Femme Invisibility?

[cricket26]

at the grocery store...i was getting my wallet from my purse...and saw barefeet with sandals...my gaze went up and i saw plaid shorts...further up i saw a butch with a dallas cowboys ski cap on her head walking by me at the check out....looking at me as if i were invisible...as the couple behind her walked by me i did not notice the husband, but the wife glared at me...i did not feel invisible to her..i managed to get my things rung up while the girls behind me watched my peculiar interactions with total strangers...and as i tried to make my way passed all of them i was invisible as all of them found a way to prevent me from passing...ugh...this happens to me every time i am at the store...sigh...

[randrum]

So I thought I'd add my two cents to this thread, because I find it interesting. Not sure what I have to say is worth that much though.

I'm completely oblivious. To everyone. It's not a matter of not knowing if a lady is femme or not. It's me being so lost in my own head and probably thinking about my own feelings of invisibility that I don't notice anyone around me in return.

And when it comes to a femme being interested in me or flirting with me? I'm definitely the butch you'll need a 2x4 with. Unless you make it 100% clear and obvious, I will not pick up on the subtly.

[thedreamerin]

I am completely invisible, as far as my status as a lesbian goes. For me it is kind of nifty. I kind of see it like this... by mistaking me for just any other heterosexual woman they are proving a point that I try to make everyday of my life.
We're all humans first.
Still, I guess it can be a bit frustrating because I have yet to get hit on by a woman in the physical.
Then again I am the type that you would have to be semi aggressive with to gain any headway because I live in my own little world.

[thedreamerin]

By semi aggressive I mean You have to come up to me and say "Hey I think you're beautiful... " that gets my attention. Or at least you could say something along that vein. Just don't grab my butt, that will get you slapped, and don't stare at my boobs..

[CherylNYC]

It feels as if the older I get, the more invisible as a femme lesbian I become. First of all, I now own a car and I no longer ride my motorcycle everywhere full time, and year 'round. I did that until I was about 48 years old. Besides the fact that riding through winters in New York makes any person look bad-ass, (bad-ass woman=lesbian is often a safe assumption), my motorcycle and my helmet are bedecked with rainbow stickers. That's been my regular cue to the world for most of my adult life.

But it's not just the motorcycle. Something else has changed. I may look softer now, and for better or worse, I think I blend in better. My closest friend who has known me since I was in my mid twenties commented on it the other day. She said, "You look more and more like a straight girl. If I were meeting you for the first time I might not guess you were queer."

I don't like it, but I don't think I'm prepared to deliberately change anything about myself. At least not yet.

[Martina]

I have always looked straight and always refused to get the alternative haircut or go performatively feminine in ways that would have gotten me a second look from other queers -- because it's not me. It has sorta sucked to get that "you are not a dyke" look from women who weren't even born yet when I came out, but there is something about my gender presentation that is pretty core. I don't plan on changing it.

[thedreamerin]

It is just beautiful that we don't have to change.

[femmeandstrong]

Invisible can be so peaceful and my friends know how to find me...

[BombsiteBoudicca]

I totally understand the peacefulness that can come with invisibility, but I guess the older I get the more I want to scream "HERE!!!! OVER HERE!!!!"
The feminist in me (well, every bit of me is feminist but anyway....) resents the fact I need another human being to publicly define me. Yet I know deep down I need my butch/daddy to feel truly me. My head may be conflicted but my heart and panties love it ; )

[Nat]

Invisibility gets on my nerves the second someone asks me if I have a husband or references gay people as though I am straight or when a straight woman expects me to drool over some male celebrity with them. I outed myself on the first day of my current job because one of my coworkers was talking about a doctor and she said, "you know he's *whisper* gay, right?" I was all "me too." Maybe it would be smarter to keep silent - but I just don't want to participate in bullshit.

[Femminator]

I find my invisibilty comforting at times, and annoying at others. I want it to be known that I am beautiful and proud to not be open for male gaze, that I am with a Butch of my choosing and I also am Queer. During dangerous times, I can pass and it's kinda nice because I can protect myself.

[Angeltoes]

I see tons of cute butches when I'm out and about, but I get really weird responses when I try to flirt. I think I must look like a church girl from the suburbs. I still remember the one time a very attractive butch tried to flirt with me and I blew it off because I was upset about something. I think that memory will haunt me for the rest of my life..lol.

[JDeere]

My poor girlfriend is "invisible" but I don't think she has an issue with it or not, I am trying to get her into the realm of the butch-femme dance and such. IDK if I will succeed but at least I can try.

I read the femme's stories in here and it sounds a bit like how my g/f is perceived outside of the comfort of her home.

[Mormegil]

Well I know im invisible , since Im 31 and not one woman ever has approached me or flirted...and im butch and theres a gay community here lol . So dont feel bad about being invisible i know what you mean. Iam so over being invisible.

[CherylNYC]

I saw Mary Gauthier perform at a little coffee house in upstate NY on Friday night. The owner supported her early on, so she usually stops there even though it's a much smaller venue than she usually plays these days. I was alone, so I was seated at a table with a nice looking lesbian couple. I introduced myself and tried to start a conversation. They outright ignored me! I have a strong feeling it was because I was wearing lipstick. I would bet you a Mary Gauthier CD that they would have been friendlier had I stomped in carrying my motorcycle helmet and wearing my leather riding gear. Hmmph.

[introverted1]

I'm sort of in the same boat as femmeandstrong. It doesn't bother me when random folks wish me a happy mother's day or assume that I'm straight. My peeps all know what/who I am.

If I wanted to be ID'ed as a lesbian, I guess I would wear some sort of rainbow/double female symbol/labyris type jewelry.

[*Anya*]

For me, as a femme lesbian, it is a process of coming out each time I meet anyone new. I have heard more times than I have fingers and toes, "I never would have guessed that you were gay".

I heard this once again Friday from our new staff person.

I was even wearing a beautiful necklace I just got from Etsy that says "femme".

Not that it will help, but I try.

[introverted1]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

For me, as a femme lesbian, it is a process of coming out each time I meet anyone new. I have heard more times than I have fingers and toes, "I never would have guessed that you were gay".

I heard this once again Friday from our new staff person.

I was even wearing a beautiful necklace I just got from Etsy that says "femme".

Not that it will help, but I try.

I hear you about coming out anew with each new acquaintance... I figured it was the same for most lesbians. Consider me newly educated on the topic...

I wonder if the "femme" necklace is perhaps too vague for most folks? Maybe something more blatantly gay would help ID you.

[Arden]

I find the continual coming out to be a bit annoying. Its not as if I ever hide it unless a safety concern is present, I don't go looking to get myself killed. One of my worst "coming outs" was going to file for divorce and having to correct the lady in the family law center who kept telling me where to put "his" name and information. I kept saying "her" and she would respond "his." We continued on this pattern until I finally said her my partner is/was a woman. "Oh" she responds and then quiet for a moment. Yeah, that was fun.

[Nat]

Retailers using the word "femme" on clothing not meant for femmes