For those for whom Mother's Day is not a Good Day

[Jet]

My mother was found dead of unknown causes in 2001. I think of her often.

[Kimbo]

As someone who gave a child up for adoption, Mothers day has always been a good/bad day. My son and i reunited when he was 18.

So as you move, as you fly, think of me watching
the river go by
I'm no good at saying goodbye
so hello from the river and I
You're so far away making a life of your own
I'm amazed by what you've done
You're so far away in a world I'll never know
I'm amazed by you my son
So as you move, as you fly, think of me
watching the river go by
I'm no good at saying goodbye

[Sunny]

Ruthie I want to thank you for starting this thread.
My Mother passed away on June 6th 2000. Mother's Day is hard for me because it is in your face. Everywhere you go you can cannot avoid seeing the ads to celebrate. My Mother was not perfect. She had alot of issues that she had to deal with. However, she was a good Woman. She had a great sense of humor, intelligent, caring and she never put herself first before her children. Whenever I was upset as a child, she would hug me and I would lay my head on her lap and she would stroke my hair tell me everything would be ok.
When she passed away I was at her bedside. She had a stroke and she did not come around after that. She lasted one day. I remember the nurse told me that she was passing. At my Mother's bedside, I told her to go into the light that Grandma and Grandpa were waiting for her. I told her that twice and each time she let go a little. Then I promised her I would see her in Heaven and she passed from her body. This experience I will never forget for as long as I live.
Thanks for letting me share. I honor my Mother for the gifts she gave me. Sunny

[evolveme]

Synchronistic, maybe, that I accidentally clicked the BFP thumbnail on Google Chrome and saw this thread had been started. I'd just completed an obituary and vital record search on my mother from one set of sites (something I do from time to time) and was about to try others, because I don't know where-or-if she is. (I've a feeling that she isn't.) And occasionally, like tonight, the thought of her rises up in me, and I feel an absence like a chasm. Like a space I cannot breach or bridge. That no kind of knowing will mend. It isn't that I wish to be in her life, or to have her in mine (I know that I cannot), but I suffer an ache at the idea of not knowing when she will die.

Here is something I've written about this process:

Already Haunted

I wonder when she dies
if I will know--
whether an absence will open in me,
a void shaped by her past or departing
energies--
or if anyone will know to write me.

Whether she will have left mad instructions
scrawled on a yellow legal pad
like the year of her other almost suicide:
36 hours before they found her,
naked,
unconscious,
the Comfort Inn.

How she'd signed over her car title to someone,
wanted me to have her antique pieces
and two framed and matted cross-stitched angels
(how she loved them),

but more likely now:
an angry, cursing letter,
a reminder how like my father I am--
a distortion: calling me his name, her mother's name,
someone else long dead--

or nothing at all

no phone call
no notice
no cold breath
no sense of her gone

only the still present question of her,
of whether and when
she'll finally and for the last time
just leave me.

jjordanavritt ©

[ruthie14]

(((evolveme))) May you find peace.

[cinderella]

e, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you had to live this...

Originally Posted by evolveme

Synchronistic, maybe, that I accidentally clicked the BFP thumbnail on Google Chrome and saw this thread had been started. I'd just completed an obituary and vital record search on my mother from one set of sites (something I do from time to time) and was about to try others, because I don't know where-or-if she is. (I've a feeling that she isn't.) And occasionally, like tonight, the thought of her rises up in me, and I feel an absence like a chasm. Like a space I cannot breach or bridge. That no kind of knowing will mend. It isn't that I wish to be in her life, or to have her in mine (I know that I cannot), but I suffer an ache at the idea of not knowing when she will die.

Here is something I've written about this process:

Already Haunted

I wonder when she dies
if I will know--
whether an absence will open in me,
a void shaped by her past or departing
energies--
or if anyone will know to write me.

Whether she will have left mad instructions
scrawled on a yellow legal pad
like the year of her other almost suicide:
36 hours before they found her,
naked,
unconscious,
the Comfort Inn.

How she'd signed over her car title to someone,
wanted me to have her antique pieces
and two framed and matted cross-stitched angels
(how she loved them),

but more likely now:
an angry, cursing letter,
a reminder how like my father I am--
a distortion: calling me his name, her mother's name,
someone else long dead--

or nothing at all

no phone call
no notice
no cold breath
no sense of her gone

only the still present question of her,
of whether and when
she'll finally and for the last time
just leave me.

jjordanavritt ©

[ruthie14]

I work in a daycare.. today .. lots of pregnant mommies. Difficult for me to see most days but around now, really really hard to deal with.

[chefhottie25]

Originally Posted by evolveme

Synchronistic, maybe, that I accidentally clicked the BFP thumbnail on Google Chrome and saw this thread had been started. I'd just completed an obituary and vital record search on my mother from one set of sites (something I do from time to time) and was about to try others, because I don't know where-or-if she is. (I've a feeling that she isn't.) And occasionally, like tonight, the thought of her rises up in me, and I feel an absence like a chasm. Like a space I cannot breach or bridge. That no kind of knowing will mend. It isn't that I wish to be in her life, or to have her in mine (I know that I cannot), but I suffer an ache at the idea of not knowing when she will die.

Here is something I've written about this process:

Already Haunted

I wonder when she dies
if I will know--
whether an absence will open in me,
a void shaped by her past or departing
energies--
or if anyone will know to write me.

Whether she will have left mad instructions
scrawled on a yellow legal pad
like the year of her other almost suicide:
36 hours before they found her,
naked,
unconscious,
the Comfort Inn.

How she'd signed over her car title to someone,
wanted me to have her antique pieces
and two framed and matted cross-stitched angels
(how she loved them),

but more likely now:
an angry, cursing letter,
a reminder how like my father I am--
a distortion: calling me his name, her mother's name,
someone else long dead--

or nothing at all

no phone call
no notice
no cold breath
no sense of her gone

only the still present question of her,
of whether and when
she'll finally and for the last time
just leave me.

jjordanavritt ©

Evolveme I know my words can't take away your pain...but I hope you are able to find peace. I love you strong woman.

[Miss Scarlett]

On Sunday I went over to see my stepmother. Gave her the card and a gift (scented candles - something she really likes). She acted sort of odd and I couldn't figure out why except that maybe she felt funny about me acknowledging her.

The other day I got a beautiful thank you note from her. Apparently my gesture caught her completely by surprise and touched her deeply. Hence her behaviour Sunday.

[Lillie]

I do not celebrate this day for anyone in particular. My own mother (aka egg doner) abandoned me and my 2 siblings when I was 16 months old. My father raised us and of course remarried 2 more times. I never called anyone MOTHER my entire life. I am 42. I was told by my family (after I came out) that I was a lesbian because I sought a "woman" influence!..this has infuriated me for many years. I am lesbian because it is how I was born..period end of story. I am the mother of 2 and because of them I had to recognize this day for them. When they were younger I appreciated all the handmade cards the schools assist them in making and the ones they made on their own. I am a mother because of them. I am a woman because of my father!..he was the one who was there through all my doubts..through all my troubles and held me when I cried for her..I am shaped as a woman by many of the woman I have met in my life. I had an amazing grandmother who was a strong independant stubborn woman!..I believe I am most like her. I was shaped by my older sister..who was not a strong woman and who allowed people to walk all over her because she sought the guidance of a woman who never came back for her. I side stepped alot of trouble because I watched the torment my sister went through. I am alot like my aunt barbara, she is an amazing woman who has survived (as did I) a death of a child..only not allowing it to break her spirit but allowed her to love more deeply the children god left for her!..I am like my kindergarten teacher..Ms nathan..who snuck me raisin bran cereal and oreo cookies because she always thought I was to tiny!..I am like my first RN who was an absolute bitch but told me "you will never like me, but you will always remember everything I teach you"..holy shit was she right on!..I am like my meemy..she was a woman who did everything she ever wanted to do in her life..she lived to the age of 90 and had only one regret..her and I could no longer go to saturday morning movies together!..

Soo..I have always believed I am most like the woman who have walked in and out of my life. I love woman who are strong, powerful in love, independant, stubborn, compassionate and who love themselves for it. So on sunday I celebrate THEM..all of them.


BUT on fathers day I celebrate the ONE and ONLY man other then my son who has my heart!..because without him..I would not be the woman I am today!..I love you dad!..and thank you for being you!

lillie

[Lady Pamela]

My mom transended exactly 3 years ago today...Mothers day is very beautiful because of my children and also because my motther sooo dearly cherrished it..but due to her passing so close to it it has added a sadness for sure.

Today is simply a hard day.

[ruthie14]

((((Lady Pamela))))

[Oiler41]

I don't really get too down on Mother's day anymore, but I do get reflective. I lost mom in July of 2007 after a very short bout with cancer (7 weeks diagnosis to death).

There are certainly things in my life that I wish she was here to share with me, and some that I'm glad she didn't live to see; For that first year, I felt a lot like an orphan having lost my dad in 1985 and really feeling like there was nowhere to call home.

But these days, I hear a song, see a bird, hold something of hers in my hand, or see a gift she gave me over the years and my thoughts drift back to a different time when she was still here. She wasn't perfect, but then again, none of us are. When she was dying, we talked about how she raised us. She said "Well, they don't give you a book about how to raise kids when you have them; you just have to do the best you can with what you have". I told her then that she had done well in raising us.

I do miss her still; some days more than others. She comes to visit fairly regularly,,those who know me know what I mean. My thoughts to all who struggle with the loss of their mother or the absence of her in your lives.

Glynn

[Unndunn]

This will be the first Mother's Day without my mother and it's been bothering me quite a bit. My dad died in 2007 and then my mother died Aug. 11, 2009. The thing that bothers me the most is that ads for Mother's Day are everywhere. You can't escape them by reading the news, watching tv or even driving in your car. It has made me think a lot about how difficult it all must make it for young children who have lost their mothers. I'm an adult and I'm struggling. To be quite honest, I'll be happy when Mother's Day is over.

[ruthie14]

((((unndunn))))))

[Cowboi]

My Momma died March 3, 1993. Mothers day always makes me sad.

To my Momma, The Yellow Rose of Texas!!! I miss you!
Love always, your little Tomboi!

has become just another day to me. I have not spoken to my bio-mom for almost 3.5 years. She was the best person she knew how to be as we grew up. She was 15 when she got pregnant and honestly I think she blamed me for her missing out on her teen years etc, There was always some type of issue regarding me with her. I left home at 15 and moved in with my Paternal Grandparents. That was to me my mom & dad. I have lost them both due to cancer and various other medical stuff. I miss my Grandma really bad, some days are good some days are bad - However I know she was sick and is in a far better place. This Mother's day will not be a day for me to remember a woman who simply gave birth to me (my bio-mom) But I will think back on all the wonderful things my Grandma said, did and taught me throughout our time together.
Her advice to me was always " Chin up and chest out" Gawd I used to cringe and roll my eyes at her only for us to both laugh.
She assisted my fetish with Boy George - bought me the clothes only to tell me " You know someday you are going to act like him" --- Go Figure Gram! *LOL*

When I told her I was into women, that I was gay and and not going to be the typical grand-daughter many would expect me to be.... She stood by me...hugged me and told me she loved me.... Then again as I look back she lit 2 cig's and was smoking them both she was so nervous. LOL I would go get my hair cut and she would call the hair lady and tell her " Dont let her cut her hair that short again, leave the curls" - I had to sit her down and calmly explain - Gram I am 30 - I want to cut my hair my way (which I did) but she still called....LOL

I wish I could call her and say hello or what a wonderful women I think she truly is - Then again, I wish I could call her and wish her a Happy Mother's Day on Sunday - I cant obviously but I can and will remember our times.

So Happy Mothers Day to anyone out there who is deserving of a title such as Mother.

Remember anyone can have a child - but it takes a real lady in my opinion to be a Mother.

[ruthie14]

((((Cowboi))))) (((((Toxic)))))))

[Strappie]

(((((HUGS))))) to all the people that don't have mom's to thank and love today!!

But your mom is in your heart and soul, never forget that!!

[ruthie14]

Thanks God this day is almost over. Just got back from dinner with mom. I love her, but it is difficult to go out and see all those kids with their Moms. Heard my mom talking with my sister. Then heard her talking with her Grandson. 2 things I will never have. Hard, very hard.