Relationships - What things do you want & need?

Gemme · 05-20-2015, 06:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I want to grow in love, not fall in it like dog shite.
.

This made me crack the Hell up.

It's so true. Funny, but true!

Quote:

Originally Posted by JDeere

My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

It's true that there must be equal effort from each party to maintain the relationship and to keep it happy and healthy, but I agree with cupcake about the beginning.

Every single time I have 'worked' to make myself 'fit' with someone else, it's only hurt me in the end. There's something to be said for sexy friction and conflict and all that mess but at this point in my life, if someone comes along and we mesh nicely and it feels good, then great.

Like you said; life is hard.

Your intimate relationships shouldn't be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by randrum

I've been following this thread as sort of an observer. Because my answer to what things I want and/or need in a relationship is I don't know.

And that's about the best answer I can give. Because I honestly don't know. I could guess or say what I think I'd maybe like or want. But that's about it.

Truth is I've spent a lot more time alone than I've ever been in a relationship. And most of the time my want/need is just to be IN a relationship. I'd like to feel like I'm "in the game" for a little while, not just sitting on the bench (please forgive the sports analogy).

But I do find it interesting, everyone's opinions takes on what they are looking for or how they feel on just entering a relationship or being alone verse in a relationship.

Flip it. Do you know what you DON'T want? Sometimes that is just as good, if not better, than being able to articulate what you do want or need. It makes red flags brighter and flappier.

imperfect_cupcake · 05-20-2015, 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemme

This made me crack the Hell up.

It's so true. Funny, but true!

It's true that there must be equal effort from each party to maintain the relationship and to keep it happy and healthy, but I agree with cupcake about the beginning.

Every single time I have 'worked' to make myself 'fit' with someone else, it's only hurt me in the end. There's something to be said for sexy friction and conflict and all that mess but at this point in my life, if someone comes along and we mesh nicely and it feels good, then great.

Like you said; life is hard.

Your intimate relationships shouldn't be.

Flip it. Do you know what you DON'T want? Sometimes that is just as good, if not better, than being able to articulate what you do want or need. It makes red flags brighter and flappier.

Yes, thank you, that's what I mean. Of course there will be difficulties down the road after a lot of time spent together and differences happen and there is crisis you have to deal with from the outside world.

But that should *not* be the majority of the time in the relationship. Most of the time the relationship should be enjoyable and make my life *easier*.

I know the difference between intimacy and intensity. I want the former, not the later. It took me almost 30 years to figure out that intensity is *not* intimacy.

Better late than never!

BullDog · 05-21-2015, 06:10 AM

I want to be in a relationship with a woman who is honest, kind, smart, funny, liberal/leftist politics, loves the arts and the simple things in life.

I want to be in a relationship with a woman who appreciates me as much as I appreciate her. I want to be involved with someone who will do whatever it takes for our relationship as much as I will. One way streets get lonely fast.

I also wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was a constant struggle, with a lot of conflict and work, work, work. I've never had one like that (at least not a serious one), but I see people who seem to have that and it looks exhausting. I do want to be with someone who would do whatever it takes to work out our differences when the going got tough, though. I will of course do the same.

I will probably just remain single!

A. Spectre · 05-21-2015, 08:18 PM

I'm thinkin' this is pretty hypothetical for most of you, isn't it?

JDeere · 05-24-2015, 12:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A. Spectre

I'm thinkin' this is pretty hypothetical for most of you, isn't it?

Not for me LOL

Smiling · 05-28-2015, 08:31 PM

Okay, forget all that nonsense I spouted in here before; I didn't know what I was talking about.

Love, schmove. I changed my mind and now I just want someone who is willing to take care of all the pest control and I don't care about anything else, okay? I'm going to have nightmares tonight about the family of the HUGE bug I just killed coming back to exact their vengeance upon me as I sleep.

lol, and you will totally score if, much like St. Patrick driving all the snakes out of Ireland, you remove all the bugs and arachnids and snakes and whatever else might be living here. Bonus points for their relocation in lieu of extermination.

But don't dare touch those bees! I like those.

imperfect_cupcake · 05-30-2015, 08:51 PM

Here is a great example of what I mean by intimacy and ease, rather than intensity and clash

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits

"The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable."

The difference between how couples react to each other seem to indicate how long they will last.

Read more: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/ar...#ixzz3bgFn4aRe

05-21-2015, 06:10 AM	#3
BullDog Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Dominant Stone Butch Daddy Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In A Healing Place Posts: 5,371 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,160 Thanked 22,640 Times in 4,463 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I want to be in a relationship with a woman who is honest, kind, smart, funny, liberal/leftist politics, loves the arts and the simple things in life. I want to be in a relationship with a woman who appreciates me as much as I appreciate her. I want to be involved with someone who will do whatever it takes for our relationship as much as I will. One way streets get lonely fast. I also wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was a constant struggle, with a lot of conflict and work, work, work. I've never had one like that (at least not a serious one), but I see people who seem to have that and it looks exhausting. I do want to be with someone who would do whatever it takes to work out our differences when the going got tough, though. I will of course do the same. I will probably just remain single! __________________ Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. - Rainer Maria Rilke

05-21-2015, 08:18 PM	#4
A. Spectre Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch dominant lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: She, Baby Boi Relationship Status: She is my sunrise and sunset. Join Date: Nov 2014 Location: North Shore Chicago Posts: 1,569 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,033 Thanked 11,080 Times in 1,496 Posts Rep Power: 21474848	I'm thinkin' this is pretty hypothetical for most of you, isn't it? __________________ * * *Joy and Sorrow are Inseparable

05-28-2015, 08:31 PM	#6
Smiling Senior Member How Do You Identify?: with a distinct flair Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: somewhere else Posts: 1,852 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,623 Thanked 4,388 Times in 1,009 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Okay, forget all that nonsense I spouted in here before; I didn't know what I was talking about. Love, schmove. I changed my mind and now I just want someone who is willing to take care of all the pest control and I don't care about anything else, okay? I'm going to have nightmares tonight about the family of the HUGE bug I just killed coming back to exact their vengeance upon me as I sleep. lol, and you will totally score if, much like St. Patrick driving all the snakes out of Ireland, you remove all the bugs and arachnids and snakes and whatever else might be living here. Bonus points for their relocation in lieu of extermination. But don't dare touch those bees! I like those. __________________ Beauty is truth's smile when she beholds her own face in a perfect mirror. -Rabindranath Tagore Last edited by Smiling; 05-28-2015 at 08:36 PM. Reason: I'm actually traumatized.

05-30-2015, 08:51 PM	#7
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Here is a great example of what I mean by intimacy and ease, rather than intensity and clash Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits "The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable." The difference between how couples react to each other seem to indicate how long they will last. Read more: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/ar...#ixzz3bgFn4aRe