Caregivers and Stress

EmJay · 06-11-2015, 02:36 PM

I don't like the term "caregiver" when it comes to me and my dad. So I prefer to just say were hanging out. We've been hanging out for 4.5 years now. He has ALS and for the last 2-3 years he's been fully paralyzed and requires 24/7 "hangouts." I spend days with him while my moms at work and she spends nights. It's never a guarantee when my mom will be home as she is a manager of a bank so some nights she doesn't get home till late. His breathing isn't great or even really good so we always make sure 1 of us is with him, it's too scary to leave someone else who doesn't know the breathing/eating routines he has. All of this kinda makes it so I am not really capable of being in a relationship. Most plans I make get cancelled because I am needed here when my mom may work late or simply because I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I don't have a whole lot to offer anyone because he is my number 1 priority and will be for the rest of his life. And when I think of dating later I can't help but think I will be so broken when he's gone that I will be so much more than a hot mess. Similar to dead inside maybe? My thoughts right now are.. If I'm lonely right now... What is it going to be like when he's gone. That scares me.

Tommi · 06-11-2015, 04:59 PM

Late stage Alzheimer's has taken her memory.

Now, it is taking her smile, her legs, her light is dimming. Her life is day to day.
My wife watches as her mother sleeps, expecting to see her chest rise and fall for the last time, her breathing stop, as she slips away in her sleep.

The last year has been a quiet decline for both her parents, after caring for them at home for 10 years. Her Dad is hanging on, loving his wife of 62 years, as they toddle to bed together every night.

It is life ebbing away, and taking it's toll on my love. Finally, two of her six siblings are offering her support. all out of state, Saying they will help. They will help find a place for them.

Will they step up to the plate, after 10 years, as their parents must move on and all want them to be together. Can we fly them from California to Michigan, both on oxygen, and relocate these febrile folks where the big family says they will care for them, visit them, and know it won't be for long.

The hourglass is running out.

Kelt · 07-24-2015, 06:18 PM

I'd think that 3 months after my father died and a month after moving my mother things would be getting easier. A couple of days ago I got a packet from the attorneys, I have four tax returns to do.

One joint for when father was alive, one individual for my mother, one for the estate, and one for the trust. Then of course I have to do my own which is every kind of messed up from a cross country move in 2014 (CA thinks I still live there?) and three "event" changes in health insurance over the last year. Sure I'd be happy to do full asset and inventories from the date of death which I didn't do at the time because I didn't know it was needed (What? I've never been an executor before!) and all the companies I need to get info from have to use third parties to get access to their own information on an "as of" date.

Which means power of attorney.

I got a corporate POA a couple of months ago to take care of mothers pensions and medical needs. Of course they spelled my name wrong and that took a month to fix. Now I have a full POA for everything and have been sending that out since most places have a legal departments that take 6-8 weeks to process. Naturally, I didn't notice that this POA also has a spelling problem in that it adds a middle initial, one that's not mine. I missed it and only found out when the first brokerage called me to tell me my information request was denied from the mismatch. Seriously? Spelling errors are costing me weeks/now months of lost work. It's only a 14 hour drive to fix this.

But that's okay, I only sent out 12 of them.

Kelt · 07-28-2015, 08:48 PM

I just got an email from one of the people I have working at my folks house. The estate sale begins tomorrow morning. I don't have any attachment to the house, I'd only seen it twice before my father's stroke. They only had it 8 years.

But, the stuff inside, I really didn't go through it much, what would I keep? Furniture? Full up. Art? Most of it paintings done by my grandmother who died when I was 4, her life in Hawaii, I only remember (vaguely) one visit even though I gather she travelled with us quite a bit. Knick knacks from the global travels I wasn't a part of, cool stuff, but not my memories.

Most of the things from my childhood were the regular things, the good china and silver from holidays, they were posh at the time but nowadays so many people in their 80's are dying and there isn't much value to them on the market and nobody entertains like that anymore. Certainly not me, and my folks hadn't used those things for 30 years or more. It's just a little weird to know all those things won't be somewhere in a cupboard anymore. If it's this strange having only the early part of my life erased in a distant sale, how weird is it going to be for my mom?

It's 60 years of her life and maybe all of her memories. She's having a hard time remembering much without the visual queues around her. She has some things, it was hard to convince her to take anything, in the midst of her grief. She got so mixed up when it was time to pack, I gave her two weeks, she kept sorting things for the sale (something I'd told her not to since others would) and not thinking about the things she would want for herself. In the end I had to figure out what one little old lady in a one bedroom apartment would need and pack it in two days. I feel badly that I couldn't let her have longer to cull through her life and pick through the small things. But she wouldn't, and now it's really too late.

I'm driving the 400 miles back over on the 9th for a week of meetings with guys in suits, signing off the papers to list the house for sale, and taking my mother up on Mount Rainier (where her parents met) for a day trip and spreading my fathers ashes. Illegally.

There is no family, my mother doesn't know anyone anywhere.

I feel like some kind of monster for doing this to her.

06-11-2015, 04:59 PM	#2
Tommi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Usually "Hello" Relationship Status: Married and Bound to Tommi's kaijira (Ts_kaijira ) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Suthun.... California that is. Across the ridge from Laguna Beach. Posts: 8,151 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,621 Thanked 21,337 Times in 5,970 Posts Rep Power: 21474860	Sleep sweet Maggie Late stage Alzheimer's has taken her memory. Now, it is taking her smile, her legs, her light is dimming. Her life is day to day. My wife watches as her mother sleeps, expecting to see her chest rise and fall for the last time, her breathing stop, as she slips away in her sleep. The last year has been a quiet decline for both her parents, after caring for them at home for 10 years. Her Dad is hanging on, loving his wife of 62 years, as they toddle to bed together every night. It is life ebbing away, and taking it's toll on my love. Finally, two of her six siblings are offering her support. all out of state, Saying they will help. They will help find a place for them. Will they step up to the plate, after 10 years, as their parents must move on and all want them to be together. Can we fly them from California to Michigan, both on oxygen, and relocate these febrile folks where the big family says they will care for them, visit them, and know it won't be for long. The hourglass is running out.

06-11-2015, 02:36 PM	#1
EmJay Member How Do You Identify?: femme Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Canada Posts: 124 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 338 Thanked 447 Times in 96 Posts Rep Power: 3970856	I don't like the term "caregiver" when it comes to me and my dad. So I prefer to just say were hanging out. We've been hanging out for 4.5 years now. He has ALS and for the last 2-3 years he's been fully paralyzed and requires 24/7 "hangouts." I spend days with him while my moms at work and she spends nights. It's never a guarantee when my mom will be home as she is a manager of a bank so some nights she doesn't get home till late. His breathing isn't great or even really good so we always make sure 1 of us is with him, it's too scary to leave someone else who doesn't know the breathing/eating routines he has. All of this kinda makes it so I am not really capable of being in a relationship. Most plans I make get cancelled because I am needed here when my mom may work late or simply because I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I don't have a whole lot to offer anyone because he is my number 1 priority and will be for the rest of his life. And when I think of dating later I can't help but think I will be so broken when he's gone that I will be so much more than a hot mess. Similar to dead inside maybe? My thoughts right now are.. If I'm lonely right now... What is it going to be like when he's gone. That scares me.

07-24-2015, 06:18 PM	#3
Kelt Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Beach Butch Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: SoCal Posts: 2,751 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 19,765 Thanked 15,284 Times in 2,538 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I'd think that 3 months after my father died and a month after moving my mother things would be getting easier. A couple of days ago I got a packet from the attorneys, I have four tax returns to do. One joint for when father was alive, one individual for my mother, one for the estate, and one for the trust. Then of course I have to do my own which is every kind of messed up from a cross country move in 2014 (CA thinks I still live there?) and three "event" changes in health insurance over the last year. Sure I'd be happy to do full asset and inventories from the date of death which I didn't do at the time because I didn't know it was needed (What? I've never been an executor before!) and all the companies I need to get info from have to use third parties to get access to their own information on an "as of" date. Which means power of attorney. I got a corporate POA a couple of months ago to take care of mothers pensions and medical needs. Of course they spelled my name wrong and that took a month to fix. Now I have a full POA for everything and have been sending that out since most places have a legal departments that take 6-8 weeks to process. Naturally, I didn't notice that this POA also has a spelling problem in that it adds a middle initial, one that's not mine. I missed it and only found out when the first brokerage called me to tell me my information request was denied from the mismatch. Seriously? Spelling errors are costing me weeks/now months of lost work. It's only a 14 hour drive to fix this. But that's okay, I only sent out 12 of them.

07-28-2015, 08:48 PM	#4
Kelt Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Beach Butch Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: SoCal Posts: 2,751 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 19,765 Thanked 15,284 Times in 2,538 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I just got an email from one of the people I have working at my folks house. The estate sale begins tomorrow morning. I don't have any attachment to the house, I'd only seen it twice before my father's stroke. They only had it 8 years. But, the stuff inside, I really didn't go through it much, what would I keep? Furniture? Full up. Art? Most of it paintings done by my grandmother who died when I was 4, her life in Hawaii, I only remember (vaguely) one visit even though I gather she travelled with us quite a bit. Knick knacks from the global travels I wasn't a part of, cool stuff, but not my memories. Most of the things from my childhood were the regular things, the good china and silver from holidays, they were posh at the time but nowadays so many people in their 80's are dying and there isn't much value to them on the market and nobody entertains like that anymore. Certainly not me, and my folks hadn't used those things for 30 years or more. It's just a little weird to know all those things won't be somewhere in a cupboard anymore. If it's this strange having only the early part of my life erased in a distant sale, how weird is it going to be for my mom? It's 60 years of her life and maybe all of her memories. She's having a hard time remembering much without the visual queues around her. She has some things, it was hard to convince her to take anything, in the midst of her grief. She got so mixed up when it was time to pack, I gave her two weeks, she kept sorting things for the sale (something I'd told her not to since others would) and not thinking about the things she would want for herself. In the end I had to figure out what one little old lady in a one bedroom apartment would need and pack it in two days. I feel badly that I couldn't let her have longer to cull through her life and pick through the small things. But she wouldn't, and now it's really too late. I'm driving the 400 miles back over on the 9th for a week of meetings with guys in suits, signing off the papers to list the house for sale, and taking my mother up on Mount Rainier (where her parents met) for a day trip and spreading my fathers ashes. Illegally. There is no family, my mother doesn't know anyone anywhere. I feel like some kind of monster for doing this to her.