Does not being a "feely" person mean you are incapable of intimacy (all kinds)?

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Gráinne

Hi, all:

As usual, I don't really know how to express myself well in a post I begin, so here goes:

I have a friend who is very much in touch with her feelings and emotions, about everything. She's very good with expressing herself, and is a very sensitive person as well. She has a partner whom I haven't spoken to but who seems much the same way.

I am the opposite, and it's throwing a wrench into our friendship a bit. If she describes a situation and all her different emotions, I tend to come back with "OK, what can you do in this situation?" or "What are your options?". I am not very emotional. I think in terms of actions I can take or choices to make. It's not that I don't have emotions, but I don't express them or speak of them very often. A wall goes up, I think.

We got into a small tiff about this. She got impatient with me and said "I respect that you aren't emotional, Grainne, but I am and I finally accept that part of me. It's also what I think drew *Partner* to me". We smoothed things over, and I think I appreciate her trying to draw out how I feel, and she somewhat appreciates my Spock-like side.

But, the remark about her partner kind of stung. It's not that I dislike who I am-like her, I've come to like myself as I am and I'm not likely to become touchy-feely at this point anyway. It's just not who I am. But I've also not ever really been in love. Is that impossible for someone like me? I fervently hope not. I can see myself getting into a far more intellectual than romantic relationship, and I probably wouldn't do well with a mushy partner anyway. Or am I going to miss out?

Sorry for all this. Maybe I'm just feeling very down and not seeing a lot of good tonight.

I know you've worked this out for yourself already so I won't go on and on but to simply say, no, it's not impossible and you are not going to miss out (unless you make the choice....logical or not....to do so).

You steer the course of your destiny.

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

Edited to add: your friend might be in touch with her feelings, but she was insensitive to yours, and that's not cool.

This.

Just because someone is openly and happily 'emotional' doesn't mean they get to be a jackass to others.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I think that old saying "opposites attract" is more true than not-at least for me.

I have always been attracted to the less emotive type of woman.

I have appreciated my partner's logical, problem-solving personality in our life together.

However, when I am really upset about something that may have happened to me, outside of our relationship; what I want and need is a hug or validation that I am upset.

She, on the other hand, jumps right into problem-solving mode.

I try to tell her that I will look for logic in a bit but right at that moment, I just need a hug.

Sometimes, she looks at me as though I am speaking a foreign language and to her, I guess that I am.

Neither of us can change our core personalities but I do try to understand that she can't turn her logic on and off like a faucet.

She, in turn, works on understanding that my feelings are more on the surface than hers.

We all have feelings, it is just how we deal with them that may be different.

There is no right or wrong.

I got this!

Remind her that MANY studies have shown that physical contact, such as a hug, can reduce anxiety and promote clear headedness and logical thinking.

Problem + hug = logical solution

Done!

Damn, I'm good.



For myself, I flip flop between the two extremes. Sometimes I can see the logical light right off the bat and get to work problem solving and sometimes I need to wallow in the hurt/pain/joy/etc and really get good and dirty with it before I can progress further. It's two different paths to the same drinking pond. The end result is the same; I quench my thirst.

[Tuff Stuff]

I like that term A Spock-Like Side. I have that side of me.Of course i'm not exempt from getting hugs and giving hugs when someone needs a hug..hugs are good.

Let her cry,sometimes she needs to cry...she doesn't want a hug,just needs to be left alone to cry.

Get this one.
"I got a real problem here,I don't want a fuckin'hug".
"Well,FUCK YEAH WOMAN,I'M HERE FOR YOU!! LETS SOLVE THIS PROBLEM!"

[Nat]

There's this theory I've heard about "the tyranny of the frontal lobe." That basically neurotypical people have as part of their frontal lobe function a way to suppress all kinds of things that would be distracting and conceivably life-disrupting that come from other sections of the brain. This one guy got hit in the head just right and was suddenly able to play the piano amazingly well. This is supposedly also what makes some people with autism super-brilliant in one area. And as a person with adhd, I'm sensitive, emotional, always have a million ideas. It's not that I can't be rational and logical - it's just that impulses and ideas and thoughts and huge emotions get in the way and overwhelm me.

You probably are experiencing emotions, but you aren't letting them rule you because your frontal lobe runs a particularly tight ship.

It can be nice to be with someone less emotional. Think Spock/Kirk. Sherlock/Watson. Etc. Being less emotional can be part of what you have to offer, and it may help you make better decisions when choosing whom to pair with. And being alone is awesome too.

Some people do limerance and some don't. That may be what you are thinking of with "falling in love." I have a friend who doesn't do limerance, and I have seen her fall pretty hard a time or two. It just takes more time and familiarity and trust and fun together to get there. She described it once as: "when I meet you, you have $0 in my emotional bank, but over time the account grows up based on our interactions. But people who do limerance start out with a million dollars in their emotional bank account for a person they are interested in, and then start deducting from it each time they are disappointed."

I'm capable of limerance - I feel all the feels. I think it's probably equivalent to new relationship energy (NRE). But actual love for a person grows (I believe) over time. Actual love allows people to be seen as humans and still accepted. Limerance puts people on impossibly high pedestals that they can do nothing but fall from. If it's a good match, then ideally the love builds as the limerance fades, and it's a smooth transition. But if it's not a good match, the limerance may fade and the people involved are left with nothing. My understanding is that the quickest way to kill limerance is if something happens or is discovered that makes the person experiencing limerance stop respecting the object of their limerance, then it can end fairly suddenly and without warning.

It's like the difference between ionic and covalent bonds. Ionic bonds are formed when unbalanced molecules (ions), due to their imbalance, have a superstrong attraction that sort of locks them hard and fast together. But they will separate in water (metaphorically: life). Covalent bonds occur when molecules are (more) balanced and fine on their own to begin with, and their bond is less dramatic but more sturdy and less easily torn asunder. I'm not a chemistry person, so Don't take these for awesome explanations, but they make some sense to me.

Also, I personally am a spiritual person and believe in things like reincarnation and karmic relationships and soulmates. The people I have met that have felt spiritually connected and destined have been rare, and their beginnings have not been highly emotional but rather it has felt like a calm knowing and a little *click* going off in the brain.

It will be interesting to see how that relationship turns out long-term. Nothing makes me less emotional than being around another highly emotional person, and I feel much more free to have emotions when I'm with a more emotionally reserved person. Everybody having all of the emotions sounds like chaos.

[girl_dee]

i have been accused of being unromantic and incapable of intimacy because i am a less tactile human being.

Its not true, because once i am comfy, i am very touchy feely. If i am not comfy, you won't get me on any physical level