PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

Because I am a recovering agoraphobic (a life long process) stemming from early life trauma/PTSD, I deeply hope that others understand just how valuable this could be. I often wonder if I had been able to communicate via the web in support groups/chats while my agoraphobia was active, if I could have made progress faster. Dunno. There are a lot of very good reasons for someone to seek anonymous safety, especially in this community. I'd like to think that folks here don't gossip, but this is just not true. Frankly, I don't feel safe in telling my story here at all. Not all the details anyway and I know I disclose quite a bit here (however, in the scheme of things, not much.. not the really painful stuff at all). I will disclose some things when I see others struggling to support them. But, no way would I disclose anything other than being an agoraphobic without password protection.

That being said, I feel like this open forum thread can offer a lot in banishing myths about PTSD in general.

Great point At Last!

Without my medicine I can't even leave my bedroom, much less the house and sit in the closet rocking and banging my head on the wall.

I totally get the need for privacy for those who can't go to therapy.

I am glad that the Admins will be making the group available to anyone who needs it without exclusion. I can't go with the pick and choose who has PTSD bad enough or who is not liked thing.

For me, being able to talk openly helps most!

Thank you for sharing! It helped me to hear that someone else has agoraphobia.

[Princess4u]

sometimes...i watch the world spinning around me....ppl going on w their lives....live going on in general....while i sit in my existance, stuck..sometimes its a comfort...but mostly its just a reminder of all that was taken away....its seems to me the harder I try to keep the past in the past....and put distance and time between me and IT....the harder the past tries to rear its ugly head and remind me there is no place to hid....there is no one's arms safe enough for shelter (even if there was someone here) and there is nothing I can do that will allow me to forget....funny how when you think you have it all figured out....you turn around with that victory grin upon your face and guess who is waiting right there in front of you when you least expect it......THE PAST!!!.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I will not be part of a group where people can see I am there and feel excluded.

On another note, my brain is raw glad I have therapy tomorrow

My father was one of my major abusers and as ridiculous as I get (and as funny as it may seem after), when I am spinning out it all seems so real at the time.

He died this time last year and the cemetary has been calling for weeks. I understand times are hard too and I wish I could help Rocky the Cemetary Dude, but I am going to go vacation to London instead of buying a cemetary plot....sounds so much more fun. I've been there for work several times, but not had enough free time to go to the museums, dungeons, parks and just enjoy being alive!

Because I'm Still Standing!

Heck yeaz! I say that sounds like an awesome idea. Life is already too short to let fear or pain or scars hold you back! VAcaTion<--- money better spent!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Princess4u

sometimes...i watch the world spinning around me....ppl going on w their lives....live going on in general....while i sit in my existance, stuck..sometimes its a comfort...but mostly its just a reminder of all that was taken away....its seems to me the harder I try to keep the past in the past....and put distance and time between me and IT....the harder the past tries to rear its ugly head and remind me there is no place to hid....there is no one's arms safe enough for shelter (even if there was someone here) and there is nothing I can do that will allow me to forget....funny how when you think you have it all figured out....you turn around with that victory grin upon your face and guess who is waiting right there in front of you when you least expect it......THE PAST!!!.

I have spent all my life trying to forget. In my younger days I tried every drug I could get my hands on and participated in some very risky behavior trying to forget. I've been to years of therapy, Vanderbilt Psychiatry and loads of different medicines.....

But nothing has made me forget.

Time has softened a few of the edges maybe....but I remember way too much.

I am now trying Brain Spotting to see if that will help?

My therapist says I won't forget, ever. But we can try to make things easier to remember.

I totally get what you are saying and I wish I knew how to forget too.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Amelia

Heck yeaz! I say that sounds like an awesome idea. Life is already too short to let fear or pain or scars hold you back! VAcaTion<--- money better spent!

Seems healthier.

Planning trips trying to avoid as much opportunity for stress as possible can be challenging, but I think either way it is far healthier than sitting at home looking at casket brochures.

I have had some traumatic flight related experiences, but my travel for work the past 5 years has forced me to get back out there and to learn what kinds of things to avoid and what helps make it OK.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

I'm here.

I also agree that someone with PTSD is the moderator it could be problematic...because I (for example) never know what space I will be in. What if I am too flipped out to be on line when it's time for chat group. I totally get what you are saying on that subject.


Try and step back, take a deep breath and go back to posting here and on the threads where you feel welcome ..like this one or the neurodiversity one. Maybe you could start a grilling thread.

If anyone is making you feel unwelcome, the problem is theirs, not yours.

Do you really want to be in a group that excludes anyone? You seem too cool for that.

Also, not sure what was said, but according to the admins thread yesterday, they were still facilitator searching.

[AtLast]

Just saying Hi to everyone. And wishing that today is a good one for you and that ... you all RAWK!

[FONT="Century Gothic"]Been thinking a lot about how so many people in our community just have guts! These types of sites are not always very user friendly and I appreciate that the speaking out about what it is like to live with PTSD. Thank you....[/FONT

alieninjar: We all know what it is like to feel like[I] an alien in a jar![/I]

[Apocalipstic]

Alien in a Jar describes it well!

Hope your day is great At Last!

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

You are wonderfully and fearfully made Andrew...you are a son of God and no one can take that away from you. To heck with the unhappy people who try to hurt you. They can't steal your joy Andrew...that comes from within, it's your light from your higher power and it's something they can never take from you.

I'm here--and I hear you, Andrew.

Sending you BIG HUGE HUGS!!!!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by LittleShug

You are wonderfully and fearfully made Andrew...you are a son of God and no one can take that away from you. To heck with the unhappy people who try to hurt you. They can't steal your joy Andrew...that comes from within, it's your light from your higher power and it's something they can never take from you.

I'm here--and I hear you, Andrew.

Sending you BIG HUGE HUGS!!!!

LS, what a wonderful and sweet answer!

[Jet]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

Stop it! Andrew. What's done is done. Let's move on...you can't progress when you constantly keep yourself with crap in the past that really has nothing to do with this thread. THIS THREAD is about people who are debilitated by trauma—emotionally, physically, mentally.
How about sharing what you are doing about yours perhaps, or supporting someone who's really hurting from an episode, right now, or sharing something you've learned. I love you, bro. But please stop with the behind the scenes issues that have nothing to do with people who trying to survive their lives and are looking for like-minded connections in here...me included.

Sorry everyone, but enough with the chat thing. my .02

[Canela]

Our Deepest Fear


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson--from her book, "A Return To Love"

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by LittleShug

Our Deepest Fear


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson--from her book, "A Return To Love"

Thank you Shug! Powerful poem I needed to read today.

I struggle with the first 2 stanzas of the poem. Who am I?

Who am I to have an opinion?
Who am I to set boundaries?
Who am I to need boundaries?
Who am I to tell someone else how I expect to be treated?
Who am I to expect anything?
Who am I to have human reactions?
Who am I to hurt?
Who am I to have feelings?
Who am I to feel afraid?
Who am I to be horrified?
Who am I to take up space?
Who am I to scream?
Who am I to defend myself?
Who am I to have nightmares?
Who am I?

Being brought up in a full on trauma situation I was taught that to think I am brilliant, beautiful, funny, smart or talented is tooting my own horn and thinking too much of myself.

I like the last part of the poem especially where it says that if we let our light shine it gives other people permission to do the same. That is so powerful.

We are here, we are alive, we are deserving, we are stronger than we ever thought was possible. Let's shine!

I was talking to Cynthia (my G/F) about how bad things that have happened to me as an adult are kind of blips for me...yeah, it sucked but I got through it. I think those of us who have faced the worst things imaginable happening to us and survived have a different way of being. Our coping mechanisms (twisted as some of them may be) are in place to deal with crisis and we deal well.

It's the every day stuff....the noises, the knock on the door, the ring of the phone, a look, a lie.....that mess me up.

I'm rambling.....

[Canela]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Thank you Shug! Powerful poem I needed to read today.

I struggle with the first 2 stanzas of the poem. Who am I?

Who am I to have an opinion?
Who am I to set boundaries?
Who am I to need boundaries?
Who am I to tell someone else how I expect to be treated?
Who am I to expect anything?
Who am I to have human reactions?
Who am I to hurt?
Who am I to have feelings?
Who am I to feel afraid?
Who am I to be horrified?
Who am I to take up space?
Who am I to scream?
Who am I to defend myself?
Who am I to have nightmares?
Who am I?

Being brought up in a full on trauma situation I was taught that to think I am brilliant, beautiful, funny, smart or talented is tooting my own horn and thinking too much of myself.

I like the last part of the poem especially where it says that if we let our light shine it gives other people permission to do the same. That is so powerful.

We are here, we are alive, we are deserving, we are stronger than we ever thought was possible. Let's shine!

I was talking to Cynthia (my G/F) about how bad things that have happened to me as an adult are kind of blips for me...yeah, it sucked but I got through it. I think those of us who have faced the worst things imaginable happening to us and survived have a different way of being. Our coping mechanisms (twisted as some of them may be) are in place to deal with crisis and we deal well.

It's the every day stuff....the noises, the knock on the door, the ring of the phone, a look, a lie.....that mess me up.

I'm rambling.....

Not rambling, purging...go ahead, get it out of you. This is your thread for this purpose remember? If you can't ramble here, where can you?

I am glad this poem felt good for you. The first time I read it, I didn't think it meant ME too. I thought, this is for everyone else...Did you ever see (and who hasn't?) My big fat greek wedding--the part where she's a kid, walking silently around the table of pretty girls, and wanted to be as invisible as possible? That was me. I could soooo relate to her. Wanting to be invisible and allowing others to make me stay in a "lesser" role or mode...I had to learn to choose that positive words spoken to me were really for me. It took me sooo many years to learn how to accept a compliment, I just couldn't believe they meant them for me. I was somewhat intelligent but I let others make me feel stupid. Until I found that one perfect source that assured me that I was competent, valuable, special and even beautiful. I know I may not be beautiful to everyone...but I feel beautiful most days from the inside out...because I have been healed...and I didn't think it would ever happen but it did, praise God...

Abuse, gone
Anger, mostly gone...
Pain, mostly gone
Depression, mostly gone
Self worth, intact
Self esteem, intact
Competence level, average or above
Love, perfectly perfect

I have issues, problems, conflict sure...but I can't hold onto the past anymore, it just takes so much out of me and I don't want to carry any of that around anymore...it weighs heavily on my back...so I gave it to HIM.

I finally believed and accepted God's love for me.

I don't know how you feel about spirituality, I only know what works for me...

I pray you find what works for you soon too...and if sharing this poem or something else gives you a little lift then amen, I've done what I think I'm supposed to do. Be here for you and everyone who needs me--a friend.

Now I'm rambling...sharing.

[AtLast]

Just stopping in to give a warm virtual Hello to all. Hearing about everyone's trials with PTSD has been on my mind continually the past couple of days. This is a good thing because it is connecting me more with just how powerful a thread like this is with people like you can be. I was off on a hike today with my dog and thought about people here and where I have come and gone and will end up and did a little Chant-Whoop for you all as I sat near a quiet bay inlet, resting. Thought it was one way to lend support, or at least a way for me to try to. You all just plain matter!

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by LittleShug

Not rambling, purging...go ahead, get it out of you. This is your thread for this purpose remember? If you can't ramble here, where can you?

I am glad this poem felt good for you. The first time I read it, I didn't think it meant ME too. I thought, this is for everyone else...Did you ever see (and who hasn't?) My big fat greek wedding--the part where she's a kid, walking silently around the table of pretty girls, and wanted to be as invisible as possible? That was me. I could soooo relate to her. Wanting to be invisible and allowing others to make me stay in a "lesser" role or mode...I had to learn to choose that positive words spoken to me were really for me. It took me sooo many years to learn how to accept a compliment, I just couldn't believe they meant them for me. I was somewhat intelligent but I let others make me feel stupid. Until I found that one perfect source that assured me that I was competent, valuable, special and even beautiful. I know I may not be beautiful to everyone...but I feel beautiful most days from the inside out...because I have been healed...and I didn't think it would ever happen but it did, praise God...

Abuse, gone
Anger, mostly gone...
Pain, mostly gone
Depression, mostly gone
Self worth, intact
Self esteem, intact
Competence level, average or above
Love, perfectly perfect

I have issues, problems, conflict sure...but I can't hold onto the past anymore, it just takes so much out of me and I don't want to carry any of that around anymore...it weighs heavily on my back...so I gave it to HIM.

I finally believed and accepted God's love for me.

I don't know how you feel about spirituality, I only know what works for me...

I pray you find what works for you soon too...and if sharing this poem or something else gives you a little lift then amen, I've done what I think I'm supposed to do. Be here for you and everyone who needs me--a friend.

Now I'm rambling...sharing.

I know!! I know!!! I hear from here mostly..how I am not alone...but it wasnt until I read both of these posts from Shug and "A"...that it now is starting to hit home.....omg....it was like you read my thoughts, but yet they are your own thoughts....could it be....could it really be that we all share that common thread of unworthiness and invisiblness....you are so right....i always looked and the pretty girls and never thought I could be like them...and still do to this very day.....I joke w my friends about just living vicariously thru them....bc I know i will never be worthy enough, pretty enough. good enough, "clean" enough...for anything else..or for anyone to want me....they laugh....and then i ask them...."what's it like to know________?" thank you for your posts....i know now that you really do know where I am at....and I know where you are at and/or have been....much love and peace....

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

Dear Andrew.

I will not go into detail about that impromtu meeting in the PTSD chat last week......but I will tell this to you and to the other thread members.....you are all better for not having been there.....and I mean this in all kindness.....I am still suffering flashbacks and panic attacks from the events of that evening....so please my dear friends......feel blessed....you were spared and when I came and posted my message that night....I was very upset and felt violated all over again.....and I continue to have to suffer the price of being manipulated into a place I shouldnt have gone.....I would hate for any of you to have to endure anymore pain and suffering than you have already......hugs and love......Princess.

[Kimbo]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

Andrew, I want you to know that I want to get involved. We frequent many of the same threads, I do not find you to be stupid, quite the opposite I find you to be an intelligent, kind and compassionate person.

I hear you.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

Andrew aka my thread mate in the abuse threads all over!

OMG you see? There is a majority of us who feel like your post here. Maybe a lot are Too embarrassed to really express it as bravely and strait forward as you did. Sometimes you voice things for some people who CANNOT.

THAT is what makes us love you so much. You have never failed to be at our sides when we have needed someone. I hope you trust me here and believe me when I say that you ARE THE CLIQUE. We have travelled these roads, some of us, for sooo many years now... over three sites and we have always been there for each other in the face of exclusion feelings. IF like 99% of us posting in support and abuse threads feel similar to you w this issue.... if 99% of us are looking at each other thinking it is "me" that "they" dont want around...

Well see that proves we the majority ARE the actual "CLIQUE" if there was one. I dont care or want to know at this point. I dont think the one or two that are hurtful to you should be given the "status" of being the cool crowd if you really feel shunned by them... Majority rules and I am always going to be here for you my friend. No matter what site I talk to you on. Our support doesn't end no matter what IS or ISN'T going on behind anyone back. I hope you understand me here friend.

I truly believe no ill intent was meant towards you. Pm me and we can compare my notes. But I dont blame you for thinking it.... from what I hear most of us thought "it's me".

*BIG HUGS!!!

Dfly