Anger and Gender Smashing - Page 2

Cin · 10-30-2011, 08:13 PM

I think vulnerability is part of the nature of intimate relationships or at least it should be. We let our guards down. We show our weaknesses. This is where trust comes in. You have to believe the other person, the person you love, won’t intentionally hurt you or at least not badly. But hurtful words can be spoken in anger. And when it comes to our partners, we are often more aware of where their buttons are located than even they are. It is a testament of our love, how little we push them, even when we are angry. But sometimes it happens. We push the buttons of the ones we love. We strike out and hit soft underbelly.

When we feel a partner crosses a line we are outraged, we feel betrayed, we can’t believe they used information they could only have obtained through love to hurt us, to cause pain. We forget that they have buttons as well, they also expose soft underbelly. Once we are hurt we forget to wonder if we also pushed a button, maybe tore a piece of exposed flesh. Love doesn’t make people into saints. It often makes people insecure and frightened especially considering all the exposed buttons and soft underbelly being flashed about.

Sometimes a person is unable to get their needs met in a relationship. Sometimes they are incapable of figuring out how to ask for what they need. Sometimes the other person is not able to give you what you need. Sometimes nobody is getting what they need but nobody is walking away either. Only pain comes out of that in the end. Sometimes we stay too long waiting for a change that will never happen.

One of the most difficult things that can happen in a relationship is when we lose our voices. We are unable to explain why we are hurt, what the loved one did that caused the pain and instead we bare our teeth and lash out. Anger is usually the easiest emotion to identify and to share. It risks the least. But the reward matches the risk and is relatively non existent.

I guess I am trying to say there are lots of ways relationships fail. But hopefully when the dust settles we are able to understand that it wasn’t about good guys and bad guys. Sometimes things are just better off over.

However if someone is using the knowledge obtained through intimacy as a weapon to inflict pain and cause damage and/or to belittle and cause doubt in areas of self esteem and self worth then that is not love, at least no definition of love that has any meaning. Our only recourse when confronted with that kind of disturbed individual is to walk away. And make sure to take the time needed to heal before getting involved with anyone else.

DomnNC · 10-30-2011, 08:47 PM

Sorry you had to go thru that Dario. Striking at my core being is a complete deal breaker for me, whether it is someone I may be dating, involved with or just a friend with. Do it and you're history, I have no need to surround myself with such negative little people.

persiphone · 10-31-2011, 05:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corkey

Don't know, perhaps some don't fight well. My gender isn't in the hands of another. Be who you are and don't allow others to define who you are.

ETA: Butches can be just as callous to Femmes.

omg yes! that just happened to me! it's very confusing, too. because how can they possibly say something like that when they proclaim to love you? it's like a crocodile trying to convince me it's a koala. i just don't get it. and forget the pain of it....it's just not logical to me.

persiphone · 10-31-2011, 05:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smouldering

Hi Dario and welcome to the BFP!, I hope you don't mind a femme speaking up? I agree with Strappie, words can be just as hurtful and I too would have a hard time trusting or respecting anyone that every time you are in a fight or disagreement, they throw low blows such as attacking the person you are, That is emotional and verbally abusive and I am sorry to hear this is something you've had to experience.

i agree. a person that resorts to character assassination is not worth contemplation, much less anything else.

10-31-2011, 11:11 AM

i totally understand vulnerabilities, i understand anger and rage, i understnd most emotions....what i do not undertsand is the intention with which people attack. when you proclaim love whether it be a relationship, friendship or companionshp you have entered in to an 'emotional contract of trust and respect'. anger at any of its hieghts for me, has never resulted in such distainful words with intention of destruction.

in so far as how you can hurt a person, that is not in question for me we all know the answer.... but how you can one look yourself in the mirror after attemting to 'murder' someone emotionally, is the question do you see a monster? do you see pain? do you see a lack of respect?

if i say something truely horrible to someone i carefor, it takes me months to live with myself. so now, no matter how angry or enraged i am, i stay mindful of potential pains i can cause, they can last a lifetime!
i fight fairly i expect that from soemone i have allowed in my life.

Outlaw · 10-31-2011, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dario

why do some women (not all!!!) when angry and/irrate, kick you is in your gender or your cock?

Are we speaking to a literal or figurative cock kick?

Did she hurt your feelings or physically pain you?

I would like to comment, but before I do, I would like to be sure what's going on.

Thank you!

10-31-2011, 01:01 PM

outlaw;

i am not talking abuot me persé and it is figurative. because if it were physical abuse than i would have no questions.

i was in a club a few weeks ago (with some friends) and while out for a cig, we heard a couple fighting, it was pretty harsh! the femme said some rather incidious things to the butch and all i could say to my self was OUCH! (granted i have no idea what the butch had said previously nor was i present for anything other than the screaming)

hearing the femme attack her partners gender and make cockless comments reminded me of how my ex used to attack me, it snapped my brain into a spiral of question. so i was wondering how some butches & femmes cope with this type of anger adn how one heals from such emotionally 'murdering' and verbal attacks!

Corkey · 10-31-2011, 05:13 PM

Dario, if someone were that hell bent on trying to destroy my image of myself, and yes it's been tried, I am old and mature enough to just say NO. No one gets to tell me who I am. Period. If they do use that age old "cockless" I just remind them Mine are interchangeable. Usually shuts them up.
Do not allow anyone to tell you who you are! You as a Human Being have that right, no one else. Seems to me, and this is just an observation and not a condemnation, you may want to find a new set of folks to hang out with.

Forgot to say welcome to the Planet, where we really don't care how you identify as long as you are respectful to the myriad of personalities who are here. Yea for diversity!.

10-30-2011, 08:13 PM	#21
Cin Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Truly Madly Deeply Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: In My Head Posts: 2,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,333 Thanked 10,523 Times in 2,486 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I think vulnerability is part of the nature of intimate relationships or at least it should be. We let our guards down. We show our weaknesses. This is where trust comes in. You have to believe the other person, the person you love, won’t intentionally hurt you or at least not badly. But hurtful words can be spoken in anger. And when it comes to our partners, we are often more aware of where their buttons are located than even they are. It is a testament of our love, how little we push them, even when we are angry. But sometimes it happens. We push the buttons of the ones we love. We strike out and hit soft underbelly. When we feel a partner crosses a line we are outraged, we feel betrayed, we can’t believe they used information they could only have obtained through love to hurt us, to cause pain. We forget that they have buttons as well, they also expose soft underbelly. Once we are hurt we forget to wonder if we also pushed a button, maybe tore a piece of exposed flesh. Love doesn’t make people into saints. It often makes people insecure and frightened especially considering all the exposed buttons and soft underbelly being flashed about. Sometimes a person is unable to get their needs met in a relationship. Sometimes they are incapable of figuring out how to ask for what they need. Sometimes the other person is not able to give you what you need. Sometimes nobody is getting what they need but nobody is walking away either. Only pain comes out of that in the end. Sometimes we stay too long waiting for a change that will never happen. One of the most difficult things that can happen in a relationship is when we lose our voices. We are unable to explain why we are hurt, what the loved one did that caused the pain and instead we bare our teeth and lash out. Anger is usually the easiest emotion to identify and to share. It risks the least. But the reward matches the risk and is relatively non existent. I guess I am trying to say there are lots of ways relationships fail. But hopefully when the dust settles we are able to understand that it wasn’t about good guys and bad guys. Sometimes things are just better off over. However if someone is using the knowledge obtained through intimacy as a weapon to inflict pain and cause damage and/or to belittle and cause doubt in areas of self esteem and self worth then that is not love, at least no definition of love that has any meaning. Our only recourse when confronted with that kind of disturbed individual is to walk away. And make sure to take the time needed to heal before getting involved with anyone else. __________________ The reason facts don’t change most people’s opinions is because most people don’t use facts to form their opinions. They use their opinions to form their “facts.” Neil Strauss

10-31-2011, 05:13 PM	#28
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,274 Times in 6,637 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Dario, if someone were that hell bent on trying to destroy my image of myself, and yes it's been tried, I am old and mature enough to just say NO. No one gets to tell me who I am. Period. If they do use that age old "cockless" I just remind them Mine are interchangeable. Usually shuts them up. Do not allow anyone to tell you who you are! You as a Human Being have that right, no one else. Seems to me, and this is just an observation and not a condemnation, you may want to find a new set of folks to hang out with. Forgot to say welcome to the Planet, where we really don't care how you identify as long as you are respectful to the myriad of personalities who are here. Yea for diversity!. __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee)

10-30-2011, 08:47 PM	#22
DomnNC Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Male Preferred Pronoun?: He/Him Relationship Status: Widow Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Permanently Banned 11/15/2011 Posts: 1,223 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,618 Thanked 2,582 Times in 837 Posts Rep Power: 0	Sorry you had to go thru that Dario. Striking at my core being is a complete deal breaker for me, whether it is someone I may be dating, involved with or just a friend with. Do it and you're history, I have no need to surround myself with such negative little people.

10-31-2011, 11:11 AM	#25
Dario Guest Tournaments Won: 1 Posts: n/a My Photo Gallery	i totally understand vulnerabilities, i understand anger and rage, i understnd most emotions....what i do not undertsand is the intention with which people attack. when you proclaim love whether it be a relationship, friendship or companionshp you have entered in to an 'emotional contract of trust and respect'. anger at any of its hieghts for me, has never resulted in such distainful words with intention of destruction. in so far as how you can hurt a person, that is not in question for me we all know the answer.... but how you can one look yourself in the mirror after attemting to 'murder' someone emotionally, is the question do you see a monster? do you see pain? do you see a lack of respect? if i say something truely horrible to someone i carefor, it takes me months to live with myself. so now, no matter how angry or enraged i am, i stay mindful of potential pains i can cause, they can last a lifetime! i fight fairly i expect that from soemone i have allowed in my life.

10-31-2011, 01:01 PM	#27
Dario Guest Tournaments Won: 1 Posts: n/a My Photo Gallery	outlaw; i am not talking abuot me persé and it is figurative. because if it were physical abuse than i would have no questions. i was in a club a few weeks ago (with some friends) and while out for a cig, we heard a couple fighting, it was pretty harsh! the femme said some rather incidious things to the butch and all i could say to my self was OUCH! (granted i have no idea what the butch had said previously nor was i present for anything other than the screaming) hearing the femme attack her partners gender and make cockless comments reminded me of how my ex used to attack me, it snapped my brain into a spiral of question. so i was wondering how some butches & femmes cope with this type of anger adn how one heals from such emotionally 'murdering' and verbal attacks!