Important things I learned from past relationships - Page 7

Sachita · 10-08-2012, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Medusa

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change.

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!

I believe people can change many things. They can change their proprieties, learn more about relationships and how they relate to the world. they learn lessons and hopefully that propels them forward.

People that are habitual when it comes to lying, deceiving, manipulation etc. there are some who I feel are even psychopathic. These people IMO do not really change.

This is what I've notice with big barkers- they come in like a tornado and fizzle out. People aren't stupid but because they have perfected their line of bullshit and collect a pity party around them until everyone finally catches on. Then all of a sudden they disappear or they float around in the background preying on any newbie who hasn't caught onto their game- yet. lol

sorry but I have no filter for this nonsense. These people don't change. They just change their username.

juliebrave · 10-08-2012, 01:53 PM

I learned:
Not everything that is asked of me is in effort to control me
I can be very mean
I can be very loving
I can love someone very powerfully
My models were horrible
I can be a better model for my children
Love does not go away when the relationship ends

~ocean · 10-08-2012, 02:00 PM

hmmm past realtionahips .. 1 very importatnt lesson , theres no right way to break up, only a way to forgive, both of urselves , u cant change what happened, learn to live w/ the respect of the love u once felt, hating only makes u bitter and makes u uglyyyyy.. I'm way to vain for that ~~

FeminineAllure · 10-08-2012, 02:17 PM

To STOP giving of my time, love, trust and money to the wrong people.
And to learn to receive graciously.

macele · 10-08-2012, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

Some things I have learned and continue to learn every single day....

#1 rule... you've gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! YOU have to be happy with you ~ no one can do that for you!

Communication... say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive or mindreading bullshit, tell me what you want/need.

Speak up when something is bothering you! Even if you think it's small or petty, those little things can add up quick in your head and you start feeling resentful.

Having hobbies outside of the relationship. Just because I don't like to golf, doesn't mean she should give it up. And I won't drag her to any jewelry making classes

We are all individuals with likes and dislikes... we should embrace that!

this post by PinkieLee pretty much says it all. a friend told me a long time ago that if it's just a box of cereal that is mine, ... let there be something in the house that belongs to only me. we do, we need our space and our things.

i am a quote addict, so i'm going to leave you all with two. now the second one, i like to think RuPaul is meaning that we should speak up ... say what is bothering us in a relationship. sometimes we have to get loud about it. since i try to never let anyone hear me say mf, ... it's being typed, you all are not hearing me say that LOL.

“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else!”
― RuPaul

“My goal is to always come from a place of love ...but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker.”
― RuPaul

StrongButch · 10-08-2012, 03:54 PM

That even if you love someone sometimes you have to walk away.

10-08-2012, 04:37 PM

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

Change is possible for anyone. Wholesale change at that. I'm reminded of it every time I attend a recovery meeting.

and in the age of the internet...

Anyone can talk a good life/love/hardluck-story game but you gotta follow them home...in a non-stalkerish, metaphorical sorta way ... to find out the real truth of how they live their life. More simply, don't take everything you're told on face value until you've seen it for yourself in on a consistent basis in real life. No matter how compatible they sound for you.

Nomad · 10-08-2012, 04:44 PM

i've learned that breaking up leaves an empty spot inside of you when it's the right thing to do and leaves you feeling empty inside when it's not

FemmeBibliophile · 10-09-2012, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StrongButch

That even if you love someone sometimes you have to walk away.

This is very true. Sometimes it's what's best for you, and sometimes it's what's best for them (even if they themselves can't see it).

Bèsame* · 10-09-2012, 08:31 AM

Things I've learned..and still learning..

I am not the fixer. I spent too many years trying to fix you, change you to be the better person you can be. What I learned about that, you are who you are. I'm not going to settle for bad habits or traits I don't like. I can only change myself. So I choose to change and not accept those things.

Trust. No matter how convincing you sound, I will always be waiting for the shoe to drop. Naive as it seems, I have trusted to much and it rips me up in the end. You will always have to earn my trust. Thus, the wall around my heart.

*Anya* · 10-09-2012, 08:45 AM

I have no words of wisdom for anyone else since I have none for myself.

Yet.

Still working on it, as well as insight not gained to date.

BoDy*ShOt · 10-09-2012, 09:06 AM

my family is just as important as hers.

Semantics · 10-09-2012, 09:13 AM

Be mindful of every precedent set early on when you're distracted by the newness, because they all become part of the relationship's foundation.

Only take responsibility for your own part in things, because once you take responsibility for the other person's piece you've then set a precedent and they'll expect you to do it forever. I hate to compare a relationship to a legal case, but there can be some sad similarities between the two, and anyone who's been on trial within their relationship knows what I mean.

Gráinne · 10-09-2012, 10:17 AM

It's fine to take up or show an interest in your partner's interests. That's how we grow and try new things. The danger is if you give up all of your interests for your partner's, if you sense she's not into yours, just to seem more compatible. Or, if you take on activities and values that aren't yours instead of standing for your own.

Don't become a clone of your partner; maintain your own friends and activities no matter how many interests you have in common.

*Anya* · 10-09-2012, 11:52 AM

Distracting yourself with someone new doesn't really make up for any loss.

It must be processed and dealt with, no matter how painful and no matter how much you might not want to.

FemmeBibliophile · 10-09-2012, 12:11 PM

That with everyone relationship you learn and you grow. You learn more about yourself, your own expectations, where you give too little, and where you give too much.

Tony · 10-09-2012, 12:30 PM

Patience really is a virtue.
Communication, communication, communication.
Rugs are for walking on, not sweeping your crap under.
Your heart can blind your brain.

FemmeBibliophile · 10-09-2012, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Rugs are for walking on, not sweeping your crap under.

Ditto. Oh and closets are for clothes, not skeletons!

~ocean · 10-09-2012, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FemmeBibliophile

Ditto. Oh and closets are for clothes, not skeletons!

lol femme & tony this is y ppl should do more housework ~~ just saying ~

girl_dee · 10-09-2012, 03:05 PM

To be realistic, if it sounds too good to be true, it is.

10-08-2012, 02:17 PM	#124
FeminineAllure Member How Do You Identify?: Female Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: My rainbow is way overdue Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: PA Posts: 1,145 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,659 Thanked 2,026 Times in 555 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	To STOP giving of my time, love, trust and money to the wrong people. And to learn to receive graciously. __________________ Remember anyone can love you when the sun is shining...In the storm is where you learn who truly cares for you

10-08-2012, 03:54 PM	#126
StrongButch Member How Do You Identify?: I see the world thru a lens Preferred Pronoun?: Yes Boss Relationship Status: Chillin out with awesome women Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: San Francisco Posts: 1,376 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,018 Thanked 4,183 Times in 1,180 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Lessons learned That even if you love someone sometimes you have to walk away.

10-08-2012, 04:37 PM	#127
Daktari Guest Tournaments Won: 1 Posts: n/a My Photo Gallery	If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. Change is possible for anyone. Wholesale change at that. I'm reminded of it every time I attend a recovery meeting. and in the age of the internet... Anyone can talk a good life/love/hardluck-story game but you gotta follow them home...in a non-stalkerish, metaphorical sorta way ... to find out the real truth of how they live their life. More simply, don't take everything you're told on face value until you've seen it for yourself in on a consistent basis in real life. No matter how compatible they sound for you.

10-09-2012, 08:31 AM	#130
Bèsame* Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femm Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: loved by many Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: Closer to the waves Posts: 15,341 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,068 Thanked 40,898 Times in 10,701 Posts Rep Power: 21474864	Things I've learned..and still learning.. I am not the fixer. I spent too many years trying to fix you, change you to be the better person you can be. What I learned about that, you are who you are. I'm not going to settle for bad habits or traits I don't like. I can only change myself. So I choose to change and not accept those things. Trust. No matter how convincing you sound, I will always be waiting for the shoe to drop. Naive as it seems, I have trusted to much and it rips me up in the end. You will always have to earn my trust. Thus, the wall around my heart. __________________ kisses A kiss is a whisper in your mouth. Can I borrow a kiss? I promise to give it back.

10-09-2012, 08:45 AM	#131
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,470 Times in 7,284 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Accepting responsibility for Me: I have no words of wisdom for anyone else since I have none for myself. Yet. Still working on it, as well as insight not gained to date. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

10-08-2012, 01:53 PM	#122
juliebrave Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Female ones Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: Atlanta Posts: 35 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 46 Thanked 105 Times in 27 Posts Rep Power: 1459744	I learned: Not everything that is asked of me is in effort to control me I can be very mean I can be very loving I can love someone very powerfully My models were horrible I can be a better model for my children Love does not go away when the relationship ends

10-08-2012, 02:00 PM	#123
~ocean Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme blows a kiss off my finger tips * Preferred Pronoun?: ~ hey girl ~ Relationship Status: ~ single & content ~ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Massachusetts ~coastal Posts: 7,905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,958 Thanked 16,044 Times in 4,728 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	hmmm past realtionahips .. 1 very importatnt lesson , theres no right way to break up, only a way to forgive, both of urselves , u cant change what happened, learn to live w/ the respect of the love u once felt, hating only makes u bitter and makes u uglyyyyy.. I'm way to vain for that ~~

10-08-2012, 04:44 PM	#128
Nomad Timed Out How Do You Identify?: stone femme Daddy's girl Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: disinterested Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: in my head Posts: 991 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,848 Thanked 3,745 Times in 734 Posts Rep Power: 0	i've learned that breaking up leaves an empty spot inside of you when it's the right thing to do and leaves you feeling empty inside when it's not

10-09-2012, 09:06 AM	#132
BoDyShOt Member How Do You Identify?: Queer. Femme. Preferred Pronoun?: girl ones Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Twin Cities Posts: 1,020 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,460 Thanked 2,096 Times in 532 Posts Rep Power*: 21474853	my family is just as important as hers. __________________ ...not your average betty.

10-09-2012, 09:13 AM	#133
Semantics Senior Member How Do You Identify?: malapropist Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: New England Posts: 2,169 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,367 Thanked 3,968 Times in 1,201 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	stare decisis Be mindful of every precedent set early on when you're distracted by the newness, because they all become part of the relationship's foundation. Only take responsibility for your own part in things, because once you take responsibility for the other person's piece you've then set a precedent and they'll expect you to do it forever. I hate to compare a relationship to a legal case, but there can be some sad similarities between the two, and anyone who's been on trial within their relationship knows what I mean.

10-09-2012, 10:17 AM	#134
Gráinne Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Neither, nada, out of the box Preferred Pronoun?: My name always works Relationship Status: Happy whatever happens Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Little Rock Posts: 1,864 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,113 Thanked 7,385 Times in 1,457 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	It's fine to take up or show an interest in your partner's interests. That's how we grow and try new things. The danger is if you give up all of your interests for your partner's, if you sense she's not into yours, just to seem more compatible. Or, if you take on activities and values that aren't yours instead of standing for your own. Don't become a clone of your partner; maintain your own friends and activities no matter how many interests you have in common. __________________ The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

10-09-2012, 11:52 AM	#135
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,470 Times in 7,284 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Distracting yourself with someone new doesn't really make up for any loss. It must be processed and dealt with, no matter how painful and no matter how much you might not want to. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

10-09-2012, 12:11 PM	#136
FemmeBibliophile Member How Do You Identify?: i no longer do Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: null and void Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: where dreams disappear Posts: 473 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 121 Thanked 1,442 Times in 337 Posts Rep Power: 11169940	That with everyone relationship you learn and you grow. You learn more about yourself, your own expectations, where you give too little, and where you give too much. __________________ The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go. ― Dr. Seuss, I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!

10-09-2012, 12:30 PM	#137
Tony Member How Do You Identify?: All Man (FTM if I must have a label) Preferred Pronoun?: Male ones Relationship Status: She's my Southern Comfort Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Midwest Posts: 412 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 569 Thanked 1,241 Times in 326 Posts Rep Power: 18460390	Patience really is a virtue. Communication, communication, communication. Rugs are for walking on, not sweeping your crap under. Your heart can blind your brain. __________________ Words are what we hear; they allow the heart to believe what it wants to believe. But actions, actions show us the real truth of what we need to believe.

10-09-2012, 03:05 PM	#140
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,845 Times in 13,915 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	To be realistic, if it sounds too good to be true, it is.