Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Bit

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I love you, hon. It hurts to watch you hurt so much--and yet I know it's necessary. You have to deal with this crap--and I know it IS crap; I hate that you're saddled with it!--in order to move forward with your life.

The heavens know I have felt ridiculously silly dealing with my old pain and anger at my mother at this age of 51, so I hear you on feeling silly! I keep thinking, "WTF?? I dealt with all this years ago!" but yanno, there are buried layers and they don't come to the top until it's safe to deal with them.

I guess that means you and I are safe now, eh? Even though it doesn't feel that way at all!

About this idea that your mother gave you up out of love, you're right, it's ridiculous. She gave you up because she was forced to. In the 1950s and 60s, girls were commonly forced to.

I will say that there really are some people who give their children up out of love, and do their damnedest to make sure the kids are given to good parents, better parents than they themselves can be. Those people are the ones who grieve, who wonder for the rest of their lives if the kids are okay, who pray for them (or send energy), who never stop loving and never stop hurting. Your mom might not be one of them, there might not be many of them... but they do exist.

You know, thats a great point. Yes, you and I are safe and loved now which makes even being able to think about this stuff possible. Thanks for,pointing that out! Smile.

I do know that some people do give their children away out of love, or what they think is love. I hope that those mothers and fathers will actually pick out the new parents themselves and stay involved and make sure their offspring know their heritage.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Wow glad to see some posting on here, let me try to recoup myself from last night and collect my thoughts and get back to you

[Sam]

Jen

I joined many adoption sites through out NYS, then when i found out that my birth mother was canadian, i started the search in canada. i really almost got lucky, until the actual birth dates didnt match up. i went as far as copying the info NYS gave me ( non identifying info) and sent it to this woman in canada that had a birth mom looking.

worst thing is, how do i know i was born on the 12th day? i dont believe a word anyone says at this point about my records.

i'm sorry for your abuse. Truly i am.

I have never been abused by my parents, i had a great life growing up. the best education, the best of everything. but as it sticks out right now, my parents told me for 20 years that i was adopted through catholic charities at 11 months of age. NYS paperwork says i was adopted through the state. who do i believe? back then it was 2 very different networks. state being the fucked up state of NY and catholic charities being catholic???

Avery is beautiful soul. i wish very much that he had the chance to meet his grandparents.

My condolences on your father, i do remember kelle telling me.

Sam

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Easton

Jen

I joined many adoption sites through out NYS, then when i found out that my birth mother was canadian, i started the search in canada. i really almost got lucky, until the actual birth dates didnt match up. i went as far as copying the info NYS gave me ( non identifying info) and sent it to this woman in canada that had a birth mom looking.

worst thing is, how do i know i was born on the 12th day? i dont believe a word anyone says at this point about my records.

i'm sorry for your abuse. Truly i am.

I have never been abused by my parents, i had a great life growing up. the best education, the best of everything. but as it sticks out right now, my parents told me for 20 years that i was adopted through catholic charities at 11 months of age. NYS paperwork says i was adopted through the state. who do i believe? back then it was 2 very different networks. state being the fucked up state of NY and catholic charities being catholic???

Avery is beautiful soul. i wish very much that he had the chance to meet his grandparents.

My condolences on your father, i do remember kelle telling me.

Sam

Thank you, he was very abusive, so its been kinda weird.

He did give us good educations and travel and all that, but he was crazy.

I know what you mean about not knowing what is real. Sometimes I wonder if my birthday is when I think it is, or if the time is right. I do know where it was though, and it was Methodist charities which yes, was separate from the state.

Have you gone through all your Dad's papers? We found some things pertaining to my sister's adoption, but there is so so so much more to be gone through, and I have just not felt up to it. I guess maybe you did before he went to the assisted living place?

I would have thought that NY would be more liberal in its adoption records than Oklahoma, but I guess not. In Oklahoma, you can send a letter to the state and if your birth parents try to contact you, they will give them the letter. Problem is, so many women used an assumed name. My birth mother did.

I wish Avery could have met his grandparents too.

[Sam]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Thank you, he was very abusive, so its been kinda weird.

He did give us good educations and travel and all that, but he was crazy.

I know what you mean about not knowing what is real. Sometimes I wonder if my birthday is when I think it is, or if the time is right. I do know where it was though, and it was Methodist charities which yes, was separate from the state.

Have you gone through all your Dad's papers? We found some things pertaining to my sister's adoption, but there is so so so much more to be gone through, and I have just not felt up to it. I guess maybe you did before he went to the assisted living place?

I would have thought that NY would be more liberal in its adoption records than Oklahoma, but I guess not. In Oklahoma, you can send a letter to the state and if your birth parents try to contact you, they will give them the letter. Problem is, so many women used an assumed name. My birth mother did.

I wish Avery could have met his grandparents too.

Kelle went through all my parents paperwork, while selling the house. we sat on the floor in my old living room and didnt find anything.

Which was kind of weird, NOT a single piece of paper pertaining to the adoption.

My dad had to either get rid of it or gave it to someone for "safe" keeping.

I wrote to NYS, they will pass my information on if someone is looking for me, but i bet that will be a cold day in hell.

My birth mother would be 62 right now. After all my changes, shes looking for a "daughter" that dont exist.

I think the laws SUCK, so many groups are trying to change the laws in NYS, but i bet it will never happen. I do believe that the laws should change for health relations.

This is a great topic Jen.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I received a phone call from one of my half sister this evening, she lost her house to a fire yesterday and was letting me know everyone is accounted for and safe.

On another note she had mentioned that our mother is sick, the flu stuff, for the 2nd time in less than month, I told my sister I stopped playing phone tag with our mother months ago because the old coot never called me back.

Nor will she answer any more questions, it's frustration city with that woman

[dreadgeek]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I'm in therapy for a multitude of things, but the one thing that I have never thought about much in regard to my depression and trauma healing is my adoption.

I am reading and pondering and want to discuss closed adoptions from the point of view of the adoptee.

If you put a child up for closed adoption, or adopted someone that way, you may want to stay away from this thread. There will be things you don't want to hear. You are welcome, but know you have been warned. This thread is not here to make you feel better, but to work through some of the issues adoptees go through.

Now for a couple of questions to get us started:

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

Thank you for your participation, I know this is a rough subject.

Jen

Interesting questions.

I found out I was adopted when I was 17. I had brought home a report card with a 'C' on it. My father and I were having our normal report card conversation and at the end of it, before we went inside, he said "oh by the way, you're adopted" then turned his back on me and went inside the house.

For the next four years we played what I call 'the adoption game'. The adoption game goes like this:

Me: Mom? Am I really adopted.
Mom: You've always been our child.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: We've always loved you.

After my son was born, I pinned my parents down by saying "I need to know for genetic reasons--am I adopted. A simple yes or no question requiring a yes or no answer." My father replied "yes, never bring this up again".

He and I never spoke of it again. I did not find anything else out until twelve years later, after my father was dead and my mother told me a little more. They knew my birth mother because she was a student at the high school in Alabama where my mother was a teacher and my father a vice principal at the time. After my mother died in 2007, my sister sent me what paperwork she could find which had my original name and some pieces of correspondence with the Alabama department of child welfare regarding the fostering and then adoption.

I have never met my birth mother although I would like to, if for no other reason than to tell her that I grew up okay.

Cheers
Aj

[bigbutchmistie]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Thank you to everyone who has posted, I need to go back and read it all and will respond, but first I want to respond to this post and all the posts one at a time.



Thanks for sharing Misty, we have a lot in common actually. My
biological Father became a cop in Dallas and may still be. My biograndfather on my mother's side was the sheriff of their town, I think it was Hobart, OK. My adopted mother, whom I loved more than I can put into words, died allegedly of an aneurysm (though that is not what her death certificate says).

I am so glad that you got to meet your mother and that the meeting went well, and even more glad that you seem to have a foster family who still cares about you and accepts you for who you are.

Do you get to see your brother now? How cruel to not let you see him. My heart goes out to you both.

I saw my brother when he graduated high school. I took my biological mom with me. We were asked to leave. I stayed. I felt she should see him graduate. I didnt see him until he joined the Army and came back from Afghanistan. Then my mom and I went down to Fort Polk LA to get him and his friend a week before she died. He only got to know her for about a week. A few weeks later he shipped out for a few years to Iraq. We have had a relationship off and on. Not of my choosing. But of his. He struggles with my being gay. And my adopted parents "claim" him as their son. So he is torn. Ive let him know that my door is always open and Im just a phone call away. We got to spend Thanksgiving together this year. That was great. He is supposed to go to Center Texas and see his boys. They live with my adopted parents. But yes. I miss the closeness that he and I shared when we were little

[NotAnAverageGuy]

You know what would be great, a BFP adoptees gathering

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Easton

Kelle went through all my parents paperwork, while selling the house. we sat on the floor in my old living room and didnt find anything.

Which was kind of weird, NOT a single piece of paper pertaining to the adoption.

My dad had to either get rid of it or gave it to someone for "safe" keeping.

I wrote to NYS, they will pass my information on if someone is looking for me, but i bet that will be a cold day in hell.

My birth mother would be 62 right now. After all my changes, shes looking for a "daughter" that dont exist.

I think the laws SUCK, so many groups are trying to change the laws in NYS, but i bet it will never happen. I do believe that the laws should change for health relations.

This is a great topic Jen.

That is weird that ther was zero paperwork on the adoption, he must have gotten rid of it at some point. My Dad had letters and domuments about our adoptions.

I'm sorry you can't find out more, how maddening!

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I received a phone call from one of my half sister this evening, she lost her house to a fire yesterday and was letting me know everyone is accounted for and safe.

On another note she had mentioned that our mother is sick, the flu stuff, for the 2nd time in less than month, I told my sister I stopped playing phone tag with our mother months ago because the old coot never called me back.

Nor will she answer any more questions, it's frustration city with that woman

Oh no, I am so sorry. And at Christmas.
I did not speak to my adopted dad for 11 years before his death last January. I get how frustrating it can be.

Originally Posted by dreadgeek

Interesting questions.

I found out I was adopted when I was 17. I had brought home a report card with a 'C' on it. My father and I were having our normal report card conversation and at the end of it, before we went inside, he said "oh by the way, you're adopted" then turned his back on me and went inside the house.

For the next four years we played what I call 'the adoption game'. The adoption game goes like this:

Me: Mom? Am I really adopted.
Mom: You've always been our child.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: We've always loved you.

After my son was born, I pinned my parents down by saying "I need to know for genetic reasons--am I adopted. A simple yes or no question requiring a yes or no answer." My father replied "yes, never bring this up again".

He and I never spoke of it again. I did not find anything else out until twelve years later, after my father was dead and my mother told me a little more. They knew my birth mother because she was a student at the high school in Alabama where my mother was a teacher and my father a vice principal at the time. After my mother died in 2007, my sister sent me what paperwork she could find which had my original name and some pieces of correspondence with the Alabama department of child welfare regarding the fostering and then adoption.

I have never met my birth mother although I would like to, if for no other reason than to tell her that I grew up okay.

Cheers
Aj

Perfect, you got C's and he tells you you are adopted. What a blow, I am so very sorry. I can completely understamd the confusion you must have felt!

People still have a hard time talking about adoption, I wonder why? I guess they felt threatened?

I hope you get to meet her some day.

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

I saw my brother when he graduated high school. I took my biological mom with me. We were asked to leave. I stayed. I felt she should see him graduate. I didnt see him until he joined the Army and came back from Afghanistan. Then my mom and I went down to Fort Polk LA to get him and his friend a week before she died. He only got to know her for about a week. A few weeks later he shipped out for a few years to Iraq. We have had a relationship off and on. Not of my choosing. But of his. He struggles with my being gay. And my adopted parents "claim" him as their son. So he is torn. Ive let him know that my door is always open and Im just a phone call away. We got to spend Thanksgiving together this year. That was great. He is supposed to go to Center Texas and see his boys. They live with my adopted parents. But yes. I miss the closeness that he and I shared when we were little

So glad you got to go to his graduation and that you spent Thanksgiving!
I have 3 half brothers and a half sister I have met, but don't know. Two of my half brothers would not even look at me and blamed me for messing up their Mom's life.

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

You know what would be great, a BFP adoptees gathering

If we have a gathering, let's have an adoptee meet up That sounds great. We have so much to talk about.

[dreadgeek]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Perfect, you got C's and he tells you you are adopted. What a blow, I am so very sorry. I can completely understamd the confusion you must have felt!

Thanks hun. That's probably the most personal thing I've ever revealed in one of these public forums. You now have a real insight into why I move through the world in the way I do.

Cheers
Aj

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by dreadgeek

Thanks hun. That's probably the most personal thing I've ever revealed in one of these public forums. You now have a real insight into why I move through the world in the way I do.

Cheers
Aj

I wonder what he would have said if you got a C-.

I can't imagine what it would have been like to not know till I was 17. Did you have zero idea?

[Bit]

omg... one C.... omg. {{{{{{{{{{{{{Aj}}}}}}}}}}}}} His timing would have seemed like some kind of cruel joke to me, some kind of twisted "punishment" or something, and such a rejection!! ....omg, it boggles the brain.

I wonder if he had already decided to tell you about your being adopted since you had turned seventeen, and was just guilty of horrible timing... maybe the reason they kept playing the adoption game after that was that they were trying to reassure you? or maybe trying to expiate his guilt over his insensitivity?

For whatever it's worth, Aj, I am so sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve it; you wouldn't have deserved it even if you had been flunking. It should never have been done that way and I'm so sorry it was.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Yeah it is frustrating Apoc. but me and my real mother are not close by any means, we just talk but havent met yet, when that day comes I am not sure how I would handle myself around her.

If we ever had a meeting there would be tons to talk about and prolly lots of awesome food too hahaha!!!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Yeah it is frustrating Apoc. but me and my real mother are not close by any means, we just talk but havent met yet, when that day comes I am not sure how I would handle myself around her.

If we ever had a meeting there would be tons to talk about and prolly lots of awesome food too hahaha!!!

I have not talked to my buo parents in maybe 13 or 14 years. They had the nerve to write ma about how I not thankful enough for them.

Whatever!

Good food and good convo sounds awesome!

[dreadgeek]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I wonder what he would have said if you got a C-.

I can't imagine what it would have been like to not know till I was 17. Did you have zero idea?

None what-so-ever. My skin-tone is almost exactly what you would expect from viewing a picture of my father and my mother (my mother could, until she was in her 70's, almost pass for white and my father was the color of a cup of coffee with no cream in it). The shape of my face is close enough to other members of my family that, in the absence of any other information and based upon what felt, at the time, like the energy of a shameful family secret being kept, and given that there is a group of first cousins on my mother's side who were ALL old enough to be my biological mother, for a long time I figured that I was actually the daughter of one of my female cousins. I had two, in particular, who I thought I might be the daughter of.

As it turns out, though, the story is far more interesting (and vindicates my parents in a really amazing way so I will tell that part of it).

As I said last night, my biological mother was a student at the high school my parents were employed at. From what my mother said, she was a brilliant student. She had a full-ride scholarship to Howard University when she 'got in trouble' (as it was phrased in 1966). This was the late 60's, it was Alabama, there was functionally no such thing as an abortion and, given the morays of the time, for her to be known to be 'with child' would have been a shameful mess and resulted in her losing the scholarship. Along with being the VP my father was coach of the football, basketball and baseball teams. This was in Tuscaloosa. What this meant was that my father was *somebody*. He had won, in his career coaching, some 400 *straight* games so he had some serious juju. As I understand it what they did was 'made it go away'. They would take me on the condition that she was to go to college and never try to have contact with me. The birth certificate I grew up with showed that the people who raised me were my parents. (I did not know the name I was given at birth until late last year) My parents were part of the civil rights generation. There are newsreel pictures of them at the March on Washington and the Selma march. As such they were on a mission that we in the black community used to call 'uplift' (a term much denigrated now). This was just another bit of them doing their part to uplift the race.

All in all, given all the possible fates a black child could have faced in late 60's/early-70's Alabama, I won the adoption lottery. It doesn't make the bits of brutality that I survived better (and there was brutality, I laugh when people think that because I grew up with economic privilege that my childhood was lived in the land of milk and honey) but for all of that, I still feel like I got very, very lucky.

Oh and to answer your question--had I ever brought home a C- I would have been beat. The only reason I didn't get beat that day was because a year before, my mother had cracked a shovel handle around my ass and I had made it clear that days of my being hit with impunity were done (she hit my coccyx, missing my spine just barely. I had no stomach for being paralyzed before I hit 18 so I put a stop to the beating).

Cheers
Aj

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I have not talked to my buo parents in maybe 13 or 14 years. They had the nerve to write ma about how I not thankful enough for them.

Whatever!

Good food and good convo sounds awesome!

Oh gag that kinda trying to make you feel guilty crap is lame IMO

but how about southern food for the get together HAHAH

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by dreadgeek

None what-so-ever. My skin-tone is almost exactly what you would expect from viewing a picture of my father and my mother (my mother could, until she was in her 70's, almost pass for white and my father was the color of a cup of coffee with no cream in it). The shape of my face is close enough to other members of my family that, in the absence of any other information and based upon what felt, at the time, like the energy of a shameful family secret being kept, and given that there is a group of first cousins on my mother's side who were ALL old enough to be my biological mother, for a long time I figured that I was actually the daughter of one of my female cousins. I had two, in particular, who I thought I might be the daughter of.

As it turns out, though, the story is far more interesting (and vindicates my parents in a really amazing way so I will tell that part of it).

As I said last night, my biological mother was a student at the high school my parents were employed at. From what my mother said, she was a brilliant student. She had a full-ride scholarship to Howard University when she 'got in trouble' (as it was phrased in 1966). This was the late 60's, it was Alabama, there was functionally no such thing as an abortion and, given the morays of the time, for her to be known to be 'with child' would have been a shameful mess and resulted in her losing the scholarship. Along with being the VP my father was coach of the football, basketball and baseball teams. This was in Tuscaloosa. What this meant was that my father was *somebody*. He had won, in his career coaching, some 400 *straight* games so he had some serious juju. As I understand it what they did was 'made it go away'. They would take me on the condition that she was to go to college and never try to have contact with me. The birth certificate I grew up with showed that the people who raised me were my parents. (I did not know the name I was given at birth until late last year) My parents were part of the civil rights generation. There are newsreel pictures of them at the March on Washington and the Selma march. As such they were on a mission that we in the black community used to call 'uplift' (a term much denigrated now). This was just another bit of them doing their part to uplift the race.

All in all, given all the possible fates a black child could have faced in late 60's/early-70's Alabama, I won the adoption lottery. It doesn't make the bits of brutality that I survived better (and there was brutality, I laugh when people think that because I grew up with economic privilege that my childhood was lived in the land of milk and honey) but for all of that, I still feel like I got very, very lucky.

Oh and to answer your question--had I ever brought home a C- I would have been beat. The only reason I didn't get beat that day was because a year before, my mother had cracked a shovel handle around my ass and I had made it clear that days of my being hit with impunity were done (she hit my coccyx, missing my spine just barely. I had no stomach for being paralyzed before I hit 18 so I put a stop to the beating).

Cheers
Aj

I am so sorry that happened to you! It does sound like your adoptive parents were trying to do the right thing by adopting you, but the lies and secrets and abuse were not what you or anyone deserves.

I got in trouble for an A-, and my parents in addition to being missionaries taugh, so I totally understand that pressure...they were the first generation of their families where everyone went to college and graduate school and we were expected to do the same. If I made an A and they knew I had not studied (which I usually had not) then I was in trouble that it was not an A+.

A shovel handle? Economic priviledge be dammed! We grew up priviledged in that sense too, but does it make up for the abuse?

I don't truly know.

You have a great outlook AJ!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Oh gag that kinda trying to make you feel guilty crap is lame IMO

but how about southern food for the get together HAHAH

Yeah, I was supposed to feel guilty? I was not spending enough time with them. Hello people, you gave me away!

Southern Food sounds rockin'!

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Yeah, I was supposed to feel guilty? I was not spending enough time with them. Hello people, you gave me away!

Southern Food sounds rockin'!

Right, never feel guilty for something they did