The Psychology of Online Dating

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

do you consider long distance dating, online dating?

I think one leads to the other.

Originally Posted by Lyte

Another ... major issue... not yet mentioned is logistics. Two people feel they've hit it off and are perfect for one another! So... who's going to give up they're current life/location and move? Give up their home, if they own, give up their job, if they were working on a career there and give up friends... and family... if they still live in their home town. <-- that's a hell of a lot for one person to give up on a hell of a lot less insight/intimacy that comes from being in the person's presence.

Having been in this boat, if a couple is at that point, the one who is more flexible in terms of employment/lifestyle/etc usually is the one to move or else both will move to a neutral location together.

Most of the time, this decision isn't made lightly and there's a lot of conversation and thought put into it. It's not like someone is saying "I love you" and "I want to live with you" after only two days/dates/visits. Sure, there are some folks who click right away or others who fall into the sucker category (been there....don't recommend it!) who will move faster than others but most folks take their time with this momentous of a decision. It's going to affect the direction of their lives going forward and change everything.

Originally Posted by Lyte

You make a valid, if not startling, point.

IF someone did have a PD ... or frankly ... was just an unpleasant person... and found themselves unsuccessful in real life, (friends, lovers and such) ... the internet is a place where they can learn/practice masking their issues. Or masking them sufficiently to have some kind of social life.

This is not to suggest that a good number of people who socialize online have issues! It simply means that the the internet gives them a better cover and makes it much more difficult for others to get the best "read" on them.

Questions...

What part has missing... or, let's be honest ignoring... red flags played in anyone's online dating?

Dating is often the first step we take when we're attracted to someone and want to learn and experience more of them. But... we enter a very tricky place with someone once we "officially" start dating and/or call us getting together a date. Does the getting to know someone require a "date?" Why not get to know someone and then say, if only to yourself... I want to date this person!

First, there's a bad apple in every barrel and also, there are people with some serious psychological issues sitting right next to you at work right now and you've not a clue. That's the nature of these conditions. The people who have them are experts at hiding the things that would stick out to the rest of the population.

Both of your dating versions could work. Each couple's relationship is individual and unique. As long as people are happy and healthy and treat one another well, I say do the damn thing.

[kittygrrl]

wait a minutewhat exactly is online dating now?? When the net was much younger we were much like an extended family and people (online) seemed to truly care-femmes who were traveling to meet lovers could depend on the butch brotherhood to help with glitches, problems etc-femmes were saved in sticky circumstances...it's not like that now...maybe it's a little meaner (so to speak) and way more impersonal...it's a shame really-

[BullDog]

kittygrrl, I guess it all depends on how well connected people are. I think it still exists in some circumstances. I know several years ago when I was going to meet a femme for the first time and she was traveling to see me in my home town, a femme invited us to dinner and also let my girl know that I would be good to her but if she ever needed anything to just let her know especially since she was traveling so far from home. I thought it was a very nice gesture. It is nice to feel you are part of a wider social circle and family so to speak.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by BullDog

kittygrrl, I guess it all depends on how well connected people are. I think it still exists in some circumstances. I know several years ago when I was going to meet a femme for the first time and she was traveling to see me in my home town, a femme invited us to dinner and also let my girl know that I would be good to her but if she ever needed anything to just let her know especially since she was traveling so far from home. I thought it was a very nice gesture. It is nice to feel you are part of a wider social circle and family so to speak.

yes...there is an understanding in such relationships...you can't put your finger on it...but you know when it's there and when it isn't-------it's impossible to explain if you've never felt it--perhaps it's not possible now but isn't it strange that the more we seems to focus all our attention on electronics and social media...the meaner and more cruel it becomes? What is the answer? I just don't understand. --i'm rambling a bit but perhaps a few get my meaning---

[BullDog]

Yes, I understand. It does seem we were all more like family even 5 years ago. I guess some still are.

Yeah the meaner stuff - I mean look where it is getting us in politics!

I do think it is a huge red flag if you are dating from online and someone would want to meet in complete secret. If you are being discreet and your online community is none the wiser, that is fine. But I always have made sure when I am meeting someone that they give at least one person they personally know my contact information. If someone doesn't want that, it would be a huge red flag to me.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Lyte

Could work out ... certainly! Anything IS possible.

Work out equally as often as relationships started in real life / face to face ... nope.

There's approximately a 50% divorce rate and the majority of those are people who met in person. I think everyone has the same shot, regardless of the way they meet.

There is no guarantee for anyone and one method is as good as another. Hell, I just saw a show that had a couple from the original Love Connection that were still together after 23 years.

To each their own!

[SleepyButch]

I've been doing online dating for years and years now. It's easier for me as a shy guy when it comes to approaching women, to meet potential dates online. Also, having identified as Butch for all of those years and now Trans, it really narrows down your dating pool right? I'd rather come here and get to know someone via forums, chat, skype and then meet in person knowing that this person on the other side of my screen, gets who I am and appreciates me for being me. Yes, there are people who lie about who they are but that eventually comes out doesn't it? I've been lucky enough to not have gotten involved with anyone who has lied about something significant thankfully.

Yes, you can get to know someone online for a time and feel they are the best person in the world and then meet in person and it doesn't go so well but doesn't that happen when you meet face to face as well? You have a couple of dates, go out for months and then figure out that the other person is not for you. It happens in any time of dating medium. I also don't portray myself as something I am not and never will. I want someone to like me for me and not for some made up BS that I think they want to hear. Who does that benefit?

I tried to date locally and I get either married women who are looking for someone to experiment with or people who just don't get the butch femme dynamic or get me for that matter. i just don't have the energy at this point to try to explain who I am. Do you know how hard it is to explain to someone who doesn't get it why I want you to call me he or why when talking about sex I always use male terminology in relation to myself?

Anyway, long distance is hard, but if two people are willing to put in the work, it can be well worth it. I'm also flexible in my job and can live anywhere in the US so I keep that in mind when I'm starting a new online/long distance relationship. I know it doesn't work for everyone but there are many of us who it does work for so we keep on keeping on.

[Lyte]

To this point, I agree!

Originally Posted by Gemme

To each their own!

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by BullDog

Yes, I understand. It does seem we were all more like family even 5 years ago. I guess some still are.

Yeah the meaner stuff - I mean look where it is getting us in politics!

I do think it is a huge red flag if you are dating from online and someone would want to meet in complete secret. If you are being discreet and your online community is none the wiser, that is fine. But I always have made sure when I am meeting someone that they give at least one person they personally know my contact information. If someone doesn't want that, it would be a huge red flag to me.

I must be entirely out of the loopbut you remember that horrible incident some years hence? I totally agree a woman should be wise and make sure her whereabouts are known and that she take every precaution

[Lyte]

Could work out ... certainly! Anything IS possible.

Work out equally as often as relationships started in real life / face to face ... nope.

Originally Posted by Gemme

Both of your dating versions could work. Each couple's relationship is individual and unique. As long as people are happy and healthy and treat one another well, I say do the damn thing

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