Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[~ocean]

Originally Posted by clementinefemme

This one is a bit intimate, but has anyone ever had a partner use sex as a manipulation tactic? I am easily... persuaded and previous partners have absolutely used that to get whatever they wanted out of me. So now I'm hyperaware of it in relationships.

lol is the sex good sex ? lol have fun then lol as long as you know !!! your smart ~ ty I needed a good laugh @ myself actually. I know exactly what you mean

[clementinefemme]

Originally Posted by ~ocean

lol is the sex good sex ? lol have fun then lol as long as you know !!! your smart ~ ty I needed a good laugh @ myself actually. I know exactly what you mean

I'm glad I gave you a good laugh! I also love your encouragement. Thank you for that. <3

But I don't necessarily mean in a good way... like someone deliberately using sex as a tool to manipulate you, you know what I mean?

[Vincent]

I wrote a letter to an ex from 25 yrs ago

the love of my life
I was dreaming of her all the time
The last time I saw her,her husband threw a major silent tantrum at the gym,it was awful,that was maybe 7 yrs ago.

I had had contact with her prior,to tell her I transitioned,I felt she should know,it was fine we talked for an hour.I cried for an hr after LOL

Anyway talking with my therapist,he thought,writing may be good,as long as it was positive.
And as I have been really sick,it was kinda like tying up loose ends.
I never included any intimate stuff,or reffered to it,nor left my contact details,mainly to make sure I was not manipulating her.

I wrote,how much her loving me changed me,how she taught me to read and now I love books and bookcases of them.
How she was so gentle and kind to me and switched on a light I never knew existed,and said good things about me,I had never heard.
And that I'm so happy and proud that she had reached the heights she had in her career,and that I know,it would not have happened with me,as I'm working class and at that time,I never really understood carrers,but I don't regret for one min having her in my life and she was the love of my life BUt I know I was not hers.

I did end 4 lines dedicated to the gym,and how he is threatened by me and how fucking fragile white heterosexual toxic men are.

I told her I don't need a response and also,that I knew she is not allowed contact with me,but left a link to my music.

I was in a band when I met her
She lived in the apartment above me and I had put a song on a cassette ,with a post it"play me".I left it at her door.LOL
I felt like a teenager,really corny syrupy.lol

the soundcloud my songs are on has had so many plays and it tells you where you are popular,she is in Sydney.So I'm popular in Sydney


I just needed to tell someone
And I will have no contact or ever see her,I know that.


I can write this here coz its kinda annonymous
And I feel fine and glad I wrote it,so our last contact was positive and he cannot destroy what we had,and therapy is healing my scars,from life,there are no scars from Jenny.
,but I do need a thearapy session.

Life is good

[Greco]

No fear here, it's all been said and done.

I will take nothing with me but the love received and the love I've given. Makes these next decades of my life grounded in the only thing in life that is important , love...really, not cliche...the LOVE, and yes for this I am grateful.

Greco

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by clementinefemme

I have a lotttt of relationship anxieties, particularly related to a previous abusive relationship. Looking back, I feel dumb for being so easily manipulated and controlled, but I still struggle to trust myself enough to trust others. What if my judgment is wrong again?

I wonder if that line of thought has to do with blaming myself for the abuse that took place, but I do still feel so stupid for not ending things earlier, especially when every single one of my family and friends expressed concern.

It's interesting that trusting oneself can be a huge issue, not only trusting others.

This. This. This. THIS.

Except no one that had suspicions came to me. I would have listened if they had.

Originally Posted by Stone-Butch

OMG Build A Bridge. Buddy you got a lot wrong there I hate to say. I myself profess to be old school and proud of it. I had a wonderful 22 yr relationship back in the day and we lived 100%-100%. My lady sure did not stay home and cook for any man or any butch LOL. We both looked after things needing to be done. (I am a pretty good cook eh). I do dishes. I do laundry (hate it). I walked the dogs. I grocery shop. All this and took time after my work day to bring home flowers to my woman. My other butch friends were about the same. Any butch who downed their ladies were given a good snarl. My old school woman was hard working, smart, funny, a damn good cook and she even let me vacuum once in a while.

I love hearing about relationships like this, Stone. I'm so glad that you had the opportunity to experience it and for such a big part of your life.

Originally Posted by clementinefemme

Oh wow, I really didn't mean to start drama with my comment lol. I actually prefer to date more old school myself, but with my being so young, it's not really possible. But old school to me maybe means something different, since I am from a different generation... I do feel that taking advantage of someone is taking advantage of them, period, regardless of roles/mores.

This whole topic of who foots the bill is interesting, though, because I was fully supporting my ex for the entire duration of our relationship. I didn't think much of it because I've always been self-sufficient, so it wasn't a huge burden to take on a dependent (although on a teacher's salary it wasn't exactly the ideal situation!). Anywho it made me think of how in the olden days femmes would typically be the breadwinners due to butches not often being able to work office jobs that necessitated gender conformity. (But in my case, the butch was just lazy lmao.)

Anyway, all in all, finances can be difficult to navigate relationship-wise and I figure open and honest communication at the get-go would resolve at least some issues - if the person isn't intentionally trying to take advantage, that is.

Sage advice.

Originally Posted by clementinefemme

This one is a bit intimate, but has anyone ever had a partner use sex as a manipulation tactic? I am easily... persuaded and previous partners have absolutely used that to get whatever they wanted out of me. So now I'm hyperaware of it in relationships.

In my younger days, I have been guilty of directing the energy to more primal avenues once in while in order to end an argument or to stave off one but I know what you mean and I've never done that. I have seen it done, though. The times that I know it's happened, it's usually the dominant person in the relationship doing it and it's...in my mind...just as bad as gaining 'consent' when someone is inebriated. It's hard to think critically when your hormones are raging like white rapids, you know? Definitely unfair tactics.

[Stone-Butch]

I have had good and bad relationships in my life and my biggest is getting involved with someone who does not take the relationship seriously. I have been involved with a few hit and miss and it really sucks. I prefer to be single than to be involved with a hit and run woman. When I get involved I take it very seriously and endeavor to make my partner happy and content and to work together to make it work for a long time, not a good time.

[JDeere]

Constant abandonment fears!

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I think I'm probably done for this lifetime. I haven't been choosing well. Each relationship, (I almost wrote 'failed relationship'), has taught me a great deal about myself, but they've done nothing to alleviate my fears about the painful reality of becoming entangled with another person. They might have serious mental illness, or die on me, or turn out to be a consummate liar, or a thousand other possible negative outcomes which I haven't yet experienced, unlike the above mentioned negative possibilities which I have experienced.

I suppose that means I'm no longer afraid of what might happen in a relationship because I'm no longer interested in involving myself in another one. Do I fear the likelihood that I will not ever be in another romantic relationship? Perhaps. And I feel slightly relieved about it, too.

I definitely share the same sentiments as you Cheryl. You’ve been missed here so I hope you’re safe and well.

Originally Posted by Gemme

I think I've already been through the big relationship fear and came out alive. Not unscathed, of course, but I'm able to live another day. Maybe even love another day, but that's not my priority or goal. I'm good with me.

I absolutely understand waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. It's the shadow on the edge that dims every moment of happiness, like you have to work extra hard to hold that memory tight before it's gone.

I have a tendency to give everything and that's not healthy for me. When I'm with someone, it's about us and the things I do work toward that but it's not always reciprocated or appreciated so I've swung back and forth on the pendulum either holding back too much for this person or giving too much and expecting too much from another.

Love is not about rainbows and fairy wings; it's science. It's pheromones and algorithmic formulas and I've never been great at science.

I like your last few lines about how “…love is not about rainbows and fairy wings, it’s about science”. So true. Loved reading your posts in this thread today.

Originally Posted by Chad

I have posted here before. I have been both verbally and physically abused by femmes. I think this is an important topic and we need to develop a safe place for BF folks in an abusive relationship.

Before it was me I was arrogant about it. I thought that "if you are in danger just leave". Now I know how hard it is to leave. There are threats against you and your family.

Femmes can be violent too.

Thanks for expressing your experience with femmes who can be violent too. I think that this is very true. I’ve seen women (femme or otherwise) with massive mean streaks and inclinations to be mean, ruthless, and violent, and as bullies. These types of people seem to be of the sort like a heat seeking missle… looking for the next person to brutalize with their sordid controlling ways. I’m sorry this happened to you, Chad. It’s happened to me too. Take heart that you were lucky enough to see them for who they are and that there is no room in your life for people who intentionally or otherwise mistreat you.

Originally Posted by Gemme

You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

I’ve been hoodwinked too. It hurts to be victimized by a predator type person. I get it, due to being victimized before.

Originally Posted by ~ocean

lovers come and go ~ a good friend and family r always there enjoy the relationships whether they last or not your inner prevails !

Thanks ocean for your timely views. Very sweet and understanding of you!! Where are you? How’s your family and you? I’m thinking of you today, my sister friend.

[Stone-Butch]

Been a few years since I have had a serious relationship and a while before I had that onle. Met in a chat room, seemed like a nice lady around my age. Her son had recently died and she was having a hard time living where he had passed and said she needed a break. SO, I had an empty bedroom and told her to come if she wanted to to get a breather. Well, she breathed for almost two years, went with me to bury my sister, things going well. Gone, yes gone with more than she came with. My things, some new, some treasures. Her name was not her name, neither was her address. Live and learn eh.
Living alone since then with a couple of dates, nothing spacific. Needing to learn to trust again. I am not looking for sweetness , I am looking for honesty and it seems hard to get these days. If I am to be alone then I will learn to live with the good past and not the evil this woman brought to my home. Yes I would like a partner that I can share with. I am old school and Stone and not all femmes care for this. So, I will wait here and if she comes into my life the better for both of us. I will treat her well and attempt to contribute to her happiness as this is within each person. I say BLAH to the pretenders.