So far

[owen4u1904]

I have not been very active the past couple of weeks on here and I do not like it all. I hardly know any of you but I feel like you are my family. Sorry if this seems like a story, but writing it in a journal style for no one to see is not going to help me. I recently came out in December and was so happy I came out. Unfortunately I live in an area where I hardly know any lesbians, butch, femme whoever. I was finally happy except I was not all the way true with myself.

I am a very open person to my friends but when it comes to my family I am not and I want to be soo badly. I have kept things bottled up that it has hurt for so long. I never take a stand for myself and I need to! When I was 6 or so my father cheated on my mom and I remember being in the house where the lady lived. All of my family knows I know but never openly discussed it. Move on to age 11 or so. I developed trichotillomania (a hair pulling disorder)--once again everyone knew but it was never discussed. Skip ahead to my freshman year in college. My favorite aunt died, started doing drugs, got pregnant when I thought for sure I was falling hard for my best friend aka my big sis in my sorority so I stayed in the "closet". The pregnancy and the death of my aunt we never talked about. Then I got pregnant again 3 months after having my 1st daughter. We did adoption but nothing was ever talked about. I started therapy that year as well as going back to school. I chose social work but I did not understand it whatsoever. I do now but its not something I see myself in to make money. Therapy sucked basically when the family started to come and I stopped. I got on birthcontrol and never slept with a single guy since then for 4-5 years. I was about ready to come out again after developing crushes on certain ladies at my workplace. Then I got depressed once my classes that I disliked started getting harder. I pulled out my hair more and slept with a guy yet again then I got even more depressed.

See a pattern yet?

It did not work but I learned ways to hide my trich and then the state funded clinic closed. I had no insurance and everything went downhill from there. I recently got hip, dropped out of college and was finally finding myself and who I wanted to be in life. I switched to nightshift at work, make more money and get to see my daughter more and I met someone wonderful who is my best friend now. Nothing will prolly ever happen between us but she is there for me no matter what. We was in a wreck one night coming back from a town close by and it totalled my car. I lost myself, I was not able to go anywhere I was stuck in this house. I also have HPV which is scary too. Threw coming out, HPV, trich, no car and other BS and it got me way down. I was down to the point where I did not care anymore. I figured everyone stomps all over me anyways especially my family I might as well just let them. Then my daughter was being threatened to be taken away by my brother. I nearly died, I attempted suicide last week which is hard to say. I am going to the same therapist I saw the 2nd time and since I have a feeling that the family therapy session is going to not work I did not go last week. It is what our family needs though and its scary.

I want to badly to be happy, dont get me wrong I am not completely depressed I dont think. I am happy but I get sad way more easily then most other people I believe. I am breaking away from my youth church I went to. I was raised Catholic and I love that but at the same time I do not agree with everything and I love going to a good Christian based church where everyone is open and the music is awesome and I do not feel judged.

After last week I do not want to see myself there ever again. I am going to call my therapist tomm and make an appt with her. I hope I will be here for alot longer and I want to see everyones posts and threads here every day. They all make me smile and it gives me something positive to show to my family that being a lesbian is not a bad thing which since coming out has never been discussed, not even once.

Thank you everyone for letting me post this. I LOVE YOU ALL!