Full Circle

FullCircle · 04-29-2010, 08:07 PM

My first memory of being gay was when I was four and stomped on some neighbor's tulips to impress a 5 y/o girl. I got into big trouble for that. And I don't think she was all that impressed. A few years later, my mother caught a friend and I playing with legos. We were sticking them into our labia for some strange reason. LOL! Next I was caught with my cousin. We were both naked. (I honestly don't remember exactly why.) In middle school I played spin the bottle and strip monopoly with some boys in the hood. It was quite exciting. In high school I had crush after crush on teachers and girls. It was such a time of angst for me. I dated boys but didn't feel any attraction to them at all. I felt as if they were like my brothers. Interestingly, most of them turned out to be gay. I think I dated boys because it was the thing to do. I didn't know what the hell I was. I did know enough however, to not say anything to anyone about my feelings for girls. Hm, so I must have known on some level.

So at 17 off to college I went. OMG. I went absolutely wild in college and in every way. I remember going to the library at some point and looking up some books on lesbianism. Oh, that's what I am! Big aha moment for me. No wonder those two women at McDonald's were staring at me all those years ago. They knew. So why didn't I? They knew and they didn't even know me. And then my mother had the nerve to be shocked and destroyed by the revelation. She who demonstrated so very clearly how NOT to have a happy marriage. She wanted the same for me. But I digress.

In my twenties I was very angry. I was angry at men. I was angry at my parents. I was angry with the world at large. I was not butch. I was not femme. I was just me. (not particularly girly, though) In my thirties I worked a lot. As the years passed, I became more and more masculine in looks and action. I think that I took free license to pick and choose from all things male and become them. I took mostly from the more obnoxious traits though. In hindsight, I think that I thought that if I could not beat them, I'd join them. I was still angry. Why do THEY (men) get to wield all of the power? Why do they get to work and play and act like total assholes all of the time? Why do they do next to nothing at work and get paid more money? Why do their wives get to work full-time and then be full-time housekeepers, laundry doers and cooks? Etc... This reflects my thinking at the time.

By the time I was 37 I had had two long term, serial manogomy type relationships and was about to begin a third. The woman I met was pregnant. So, I was to become a partner and a parent in one fell swoop. Well, as it turns out, I was ready to be a parent. I absolutely loved it. Our daughter was our world. The sun rose and fell with her beautiful blue eyes. (as it should be) So, we decided, I should have the next child. What, what? Me? No, no that's quite alright, I'm fine with being the "father-mom." Of course I got pregnant on the first try. I miscarried at 14 weeks. Sad. So fast-forward 2 years and thousands of dollars later, I'm finally pregnant again. By this time I'm almost 40 and the baby is the result of a donor egg (my partner's) and a donor sperm.

I absolutely loved being pregnant. I never felt so good in my life. I felt healthy and with purpose. I felt like a woman for the first time in my life! A real live woman. Really. I did have many complications and a few scary moments but our son was born healthy and happy and extremely gorgeous. (He looks just like me.) When he was born I was so thankful for so many things. I got to experience the indescribably delicious feeling of growing a life inside of me. I now know the bond that is formed by doing so. I now understand from both sides the challenges that men face everyday. I know why they sometimes act as they do. I no longer hate men. I'm not even all that angry anymore. I've come full circle.

My children's other mother and I are no longer together. We broke up 4 years ago. My daughter is now 12 and my son is 9. I pay child support and see them two afternoons a week and every-other weekend. They have adjusted well. They still wish for a dad. The lure of the great unknown, I think. My son told me one afternoon that he was looking forward to some father-mom and son time together... that made me think that he does "get it" somewhat.

I am called sir more often than not these days. It doesn't bother me. I am who I am. I'm not really all that keen on labels. I believe that we all come from the same stuff. We should be allowed to express ourselves in all ways and all the time. We should allow ourselves to change and grow.

So, I wrote this little life story for a few reasons. I wanted to introduce myself. I heard about this website from a friend who was trying to explain to me what a "daddy" is... I don't know where the heck I've been but I had no idea... and the idea intrigues the heck out of me. I want to know more. I think I might even be a daddy... is it possible to be something that one did not know existed? LOL Anyway, I haven't had much time yet to read many of the threads on here so if I've offended anyone, please forgive a newbie.

Looking forward to learning and sharing with all of you wonderful people.

-ellen

Soon · 04-29-2010, 08:11 PM

Wow...thanks for sharing your story. That was interesting to read and brave for your first post.

All the best to you and welcome.

Passionaria · 04-29-2010, 08:12 PM

Welcome Ellen. Thanks for sharing your story, it's a lovely introduction......

Pashi

betenoire · 04-29-2010, 08:22 PM

welcome to bfp

UofMfan · 04-29-2010, 08:27 PM

Hello and welcome!

Outlaw · 04-29-2010, 08:31 PM

Hi, Thank you and Welcome!

Gemme · 04-29-2010, 08:38 PM

Hello and to the site!

As June said, there are many definitions of Daddy and whether you are or are not one is up to you and what you discover on your journey through life.

Many blessings.

*Magic_and_Silk* · 04-29-2010, 09:09 PM

Hello. I am new too.

You are so well written. You have done so much in your life.
I hope that your adventures here are happy, helpful and make you smile.
We all need more smiles these days.

~Magic (Beth)

Lady Pamela · 04-29-2010, 09:15 PM

Welcome to the Planet. Looking forward to seeing your posts in the threads.
Smiles!

WolfyOne · 04-29-2010, 09:23 PM

That was a great intro
Welcome to the planet
Kick back, look around and enjoy your stay here

pajama · 04-29-2010, 10:02 PM

Great post. Thank you for being so open. It sounds like you have a good understanding of who YOU are and that's what matters.

Enjoy the journey and WELCOME!

A

Duchess · 04-29-2010, 10:22 PM

Excellent intro. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading your posts.

Andrew, Jr. · 04-30-2010, 08:53 AM

Hi and Welcome! Have fun, relax, and enjoy yourself.

apretty · 04-30-2010, 09:08 AM

welcome, i think you'll enjoy it!

Diva · 04-30-2010, 09:15 AM

Hi there, Full Circle, and welcome to The Planet! It's a great place and Yours was a lovely introductory letter! We're glad You're here!

cinderella · 04-30-2010, 09:56 AM

Welcome to the Planet, Full Circle. And thanks for the wonderful post.

"Looking forward to learning and sharing with all of you wonderful people."

-ellen[/QUOTE]

JustBeingMe · 04-30-2010, 11:44 AM

Welcome to the Planet. I too have a daughter with an ex. I am no longer with. She's 6 yrs old now, and still looks like her Dada, the name she started calling me when she was old enough to start muttling words outta her mouth at the age of less than a year old. It's funny how she chose to call me that and how it's stuck all these years. She says I am her ONLY Dada and NO-ONE ELSES. LOL she's so adorable and beautiful, she truly is. She's not mine biologically but she sure does look alot like me. She's truly a blessing to my life and always has been.

FullCircle · 05-01-2010, 08:54 AM

JustBeingMe,

Too cute! dada. My daughter acts more like me but looks like her bio mom. My son acts like bio mom and looks like me... go figure. They were calling us mommy and mama, but now it's just a generic mom, mom, mom, MOM!

LOL

fever · 05-01-2010, 03:07 PM

My ex was the one in a relationship that decided to have a child. She was the "butch", but like you, enjoyed every moment of the journey. Her daughter is now 13, and I was lucky enough to share 3 yrs of her little life. When we got together, the little girl said, "I have two moms, so YOU have to be the dad". We nearly split a gut laughing, because I am sooo not masculine in any way. But, kids think things out, and come to conclusions that fit their world.

Congrats on being a "mom", and welcome to the site.

Waving from Canada,
fever

04-29-2010, 08:07 PM	#1
FullCircle Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Just a girl Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Atlanta Posts: 5 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 26 Thanked 26 Times in 5 Posts Rep Power: 0	Full Circle My first memory of being gay was when I was four and stomped on some neighbor's tulips to impress a 5 y/o girl. I got into big trouble for that. And I don't think she was all that impressed. A few years later, my mother caught a friend and I playing with legos. We were sticking them into our labia for some strange reason. LOL! Next I was caught with my cousin. We were both naked. (I honestly don't remember exactly why.) In middle school I played spin the bottle and strip monopoly with some boys in the hood. It was quite exciting. In high school I had crush after crush on teachers and girls. It was such a time of angst for me. I dated boys but didn't feel any attraction to them at all. I felt as if they were like my brothers. Interestingly, most of them turned out to be gay. I think I dated boys because it was the thing to do. I didn't know what the hell I was. I did know enough however, to not say anything to anyone about my feelings for girls. Hm, so I must have known on some level. So at 17 off to college I went. OMG. I went absolutely wild in college and in every way. I remember going to the library at some point and looking up some books on lesbianism. Oh, that's what I am! Big aha moment for me. No wonder those two women at McDonald's were staring at me all those years ago. They knew. So why didn't I? They knew and they didn't even know me. And then my mother had the nerve to be shocked and destroyed by the revelation. She who demonstrated so very clearly how NOT to have a happy marriage. She wanted the same for me. But I digress. In my twenties I was very angry. I was angry at men. I was angry at my parents. I was angry with the world at large. I was not butch. I was not femme. I was just me. (not particularly girly, though) In my thirties I worked a lot. As the years passed, I became more and more masculine in looks and action. I think that I took free license to pick and choose from all things male and become them. I took mostly from the more obnoxious traits though. In hindsight, I think that I thought that if I could not beat them, I'd join them. I was still angry. Why do THEY (men) get to wield all of the power? Why do they get to work and play and act like total assholes all of the time? Why do they do next to nothing at work and get paid more money? Why do their wives get to work full-time and then be full-time housekeepers, laundry doers and cooks? Etc... This reflects my thinking at the time. By the time I was 37 I had had two long term, serial manogomy type relationships and was about to begin a third. The woman I met was pregnant. So, I was to become a partner and a parent in one fell swoop. Well, as it turns out, I was ready to be a parent. I absolutely loved it. Our daughter was our world. The sun rose and fell with her beautiful blue eyes. (as it should be) So, we decided, I should have the next child. What, what? Me? No, no that's quite alright, I'm fine with being the "father-mom." Of course I got pregnant on the first try. I miscarried at 14 weeks. Sad. So fast-forward 2 years and thousands of dollars later, I'm finally pregnant again. By this time I'm almost 40 and the baby is the result of a donor egg (my partner's) and a donor sperm. I absolutely loved being pregnant. I never felt so good in my life. I felt healthy and with purpose. I felt like a woman for the first time in my life! A real live woman. Really. I did have many complications and a few scary moments but our son was born healthy and happy and extremely gorgeous. (He looks just like me.) When he was born I was so thankful for so many things. I got to experience the indescribably delicious feeling of growing a life inside of me. I now know the bond that is formed by doing so. I now understand from both sides the challenges that men face everyday. I know why they sometimes act as they do. I no longer hate men. I'm not even all that angry anymore. I've come full circle. My children's other mother and I are no longer together. We broke up 4 years ago. My daughter is now 12 and my son is 9. I pay child support and see them two afternoons a week and every-other weekend. They have adjusted well. They still wish for a dad. The lure of the great unknown, I think. My son told me one afternoon that he was looking forward to some father-mom and son time together... that made me think that he does "get it" somewhat. I am called sir more often than not these days. It doesn't bother me. I am who I am. I'm not really all that keen on labels. I believe that we all come from the same stuff. We should be allowed to express ourselves in all ways and all the time. We should allow ourselves to change and grow. So, I wrote this little life story for a few reasons. I wanted to introduce myself. I heard about this website from a friend who was trying to explain to me what a "daddy" is... I don't know where the heck I've been but I had no idea... and the idea intrigues the heck out of me. I want to know more. I think I might even be a daddy... is it possible to be something that one did not know existed? LOL Anyway, I haven't had much time yet to read many of the threads on here so if I've offended anyone, please forgive a newbie. Looking forward to learning and sharing with all of you wonderful people. -ellen __________________ The greatest gift that you could give to anyone you love is the gift of positive expectation.

04-29-2010, 08:12 PM	#3
Passionaria Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Urban Bohemian : http://youtu.be/IM96Ch9Gx4A Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: She ran away with with the Gypsy's ✿ Posts: 2,519 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,316 Thanked 3,737 Times in 1,248 Posts Rep Power: 16689910	Welcome Ellen. Thanks for sharing your story, it's a lovely introduction...... Pashi __________________ *Moon cat madness*

04-29-2010, 08:22 PM	#4
betenoire Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Satan in a Sunday Hat Preferred Pronoun?: Maow Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: The Chemical Valley Posts: 4,086 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,312 Thanked 8,737 Times in 2,565 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	welcome to bfp __________________ bête noire \bet-NWAHR\, noun: One that is particularly disliked or that is to be avoided.

04-29-2010, 08:31 PM	#6
Outlaw Member How Do You Identify?: Cocksure Preferred Pronoun?: Cotton Candy Swami Relationship Status: Loved and Loving Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Home Posts: 241 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 966 Thanked 497 Times in 126 Posts Rep Power: 6766757	Hi, Thank you and Welcome! __________________ All Rivers Lead To The Sea...

04-29-2010, 08:38 PM	#7
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,496 Thanked 108,178 Times in 25,669 Posts Rep Power: 21474887	Hello and to the site! As June said, there are many definitions of Daddy and whether you are or are not one is up to you and what you discover on your journey through life. Many blessings. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

04-29-2010, 08:11 PM	#2
Soon Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: attached Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 6,896 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,046 Thanked 13,095 Times in 3,386 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Wow...thanks for sharing your story. That was interesting to read and brave for your first post. All the best to you and welcome.

04-29-2010, 08:27 PM	#5
UofMfan Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: A very happy Mr. Grumpy Cat Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Neither here or there Posts: 7,987 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 27,733 Thanked 18,936 Times in 4,705 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Hello and welcome!

04-29-2010, 09:09 PM	#8
Magic_and_Silk Member How Do You Identify?: femme with a fetish for beautiful dresses. Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, Miss, girl, Red... Relationship Status: single Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Show Low, AZ Posts: 229 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 118 Thanked 242 Times in 115 Posts Rep Power: 316	Hello. I am new too. You are so well written. You have done so much in your life. I hope that your adventures here are happy, helpful and make you smile. We all need more smiles these days. ~Magic (Beth) __________________ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My joy in life comes from the Journey.

04-29-2010, 09:15 PM	#9
Lady Pamela Senior Member How Do You Identify?: A Lady..Femme..Free Spirit with a touch of survivalist woman in me. Preferred Pronoun?: Spiritual Warrior..She Ra..Baby Doll, or anything close..ha! Relationship Status: In perfect love and perfect trust I believe that will be directed..for now Just friends in my life. Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Live in Utah but take trips to Arkansas. Plan to move there eventually. Posts: 2,579 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,073 Thanked 5,940 Times in 1,609 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Welcome to the Planet. Looking forward to seeing your posts in the threads. Smiles! __________________ Believe what people show you the first time. It will keep you in balance, and will show you truth! ~~ Author unknown ~~ When negative thoughts come to mind, Let them die stillborn. Speak and do posotive in any situation, And watch your dreams grow and flurish. If you can't say anything posotive, Zip it up. Do not give birth to that which you do not want to see grow. See it, Believe it, Own it, Have it! ~~ Lady Pamela ~~

04-29-2010, 09:23 PM	#10
WolfyOne Magically Delicious How Do You Identify?: Gentle Butch Relationship Status: Single and content Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minnesota Posts: 6,558 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,052 Thanked 15,399 Times in 4,140 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	That was a great intro Welcome to the planet Kick back, look around and enjoy your stay here __________________ Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage --- Lao Tzo

04-29-2010, 10:02 PM	#11
pajama Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Klingon Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Just South of Nashvegas Baby Posts: 3,115 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,546 Thanked 7,478 Times in 1,809 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Great post. Thank you for being so open. It sounds like you have a good understanding of who YOU are and that's what matters. Enjoy the journey and WELCOME! A

04-29-2010, 10:22 PM	#12
Duchess Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Absolute Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Toe curling :-) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 2,382 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,792 Thanked 5,592 Times in 1,521 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	*Excellent intro. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading your posts.* __________________ *無料のライブ*

04-30-2010, 08:53 AM	#13
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,250 Times in 2,217 Posts Rep Power: 0	Hi and Welcome! Have fun, relax, and enjoy yourself.

04-30-2010, 09:08 AM	#14
apretty Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: sea shell Relationship Status: married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: san diego Posts: 1,687 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,927 Thanked 4,373 Times in 1,012 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	welcome, i think you'll enjoy it!

04-30-2010, 09:15 AM	#15
Diva Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Diva Preferred Pronoun?: Diva Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chez Diva Posts: 11,879 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,263 Thanked 17,174 Times in 5,239 Posts Rep Power: 0	*Hi there, Full Circle, and welcome to The Planet! It's a great place and Yours was a lovely introductory letter! We're glad You're here!*

04-30-2010, 09:56 AM	#16
cinderella Member How Do You Identify?: Pinky's mommy :) Preferred Pronoun?: Su Majestad Relationship Status: Happy with my puppy Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Pocono Mtns., Pa. Posts: 1,238 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4 Thanked 1,501 Times in 638 Posts Rep Power: 14266108	Welcome to the Planet, Full Circle. And thanks for the wonderful post. "Looking forward to learning and sharing with all of you wonderful people." -ellen[/QUOTE] __________________ Who needs reality when you have Turner Classic Movies!! The is an organ of fire.

04-30-2010, 11:44 AM	#17
JustBeingMe Senior Member How Do You Identify?: as ME Relationship Status: I don't need no stinking status. Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: somewhere you're not..... Posts: 1,808 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,961 Thanked 1,690 Times in 694 Posts Rep Power: 12813869	Welcome to the Planet. I too have a daughter with an ex. I am no longer with. She's 6 yrs old now, and still looks like her Dada, the name she started calling me when she was old enough to start muttling words outta her mouth at the age of less than a year old. It's funny how she chose to call me that and how it's stuck all these years. She says I am her ONLY Dada and NO-ONE ELSES. LOL she's so adorable and beautiful, she truly is. She's not mine biologically but she sure does look alot like me. She's truly a blessing to my life and always has been. __________________ Nothing more, Nothing less, I'm Just Being Me

05-01-2010, 08:54 AM	#18
FullCircle Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Just a girl Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Atlanta Posts: 5 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 26 Thanked 26 Times in 5 Posts Rep Power: 0	JustBeingMe, Too cute! dada. My daughter acts more like me but looks like her bio mom. My son acts like bio mom and looks like me... go figure. They were calling us mommy and mama, but now it's just a generic mom, mom, mom, MOM! LOL __________________ The greatest gift that you could give to anyone you love is the gift of positive expectation.

05-01-2010, 03:07 PM	#19
fever Member How Do You Identify?: stonefemme Relationship Status: single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: near Vancouver, B.C. Canada Posts: 592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,649 Thanked 1,279 Times in 357 Posts Rep Power: 17783436	Welcome My ex was the one in a relationship that decided to have a child. She was the "butch", but like you, enjoyed every moment of the journey. Her daughter is now 13, and I was lucky enough to share 3 yrs of her little life. When we got together, the little girl said, "I have two moms, so YOU have to be the dad". We nearly split a gut laughing, because I am sooo not masculine in any way. But, kids think things out, and come to conclusions that fit their world. Congrats on being a "mom", and welcome to the site. Waving from Canada, fever