PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Apocalipstic]

I am sorry to hear about your mom...my mother died too...and we werent very close at all..as a matter of fact she is part of my PTSD...both of us girls...were far from her faviourite and she let us know on a daily basis...!!!! I hope you didnt have the same issues w your mom!!!

She died when I was 13. I still miss her and in therapy we are working on trauma around her death right now. Yesterday I was so nauseated and heachy, we had to stop therapy. She was my angel, though If she would have left my father she would likely still be here now at 83.


I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

Life is not easy. It is a challenge. It is not for extra credit. Extending a hand is not something that a mother should have to be taught. :reader:


I wonder about that too. So sorry this happened to you Andrew.

When my trauma occurred, my mother flew in from California to take care of me. She took care of my apartment, car, bills and sat in the hospital with me until my release. There was no one like her as being a terrific mother and friend to me. As I relive and reprocess my trauma, after 17 years, thinking of her being there helps with this purging and reliving process today. These days, I think of her often as I remember what happened. It helps to sooth the pain.

My father and stepmother were also there and so were my friends.

I am so glad you had them all to support you and help you.

[Apocalipstic]

I am just so glad we have all made it this far. It is a miracle really.

[Andrew, Jr.]

It is a miracle. By the grace of God I know I made it thru. I was homeless. I know what it was like to be hungry, cold, fithly dirty, and needing love. I know rejection and abandonment. In fact, that is why I am so sensitive today. So those who want to belittle me, online or in real time, I say go right ahead. I have my faith. You may tire me out, but the next life will be much better than this one.

[Leigh]

I am just so glad we have all made it this far. It is a miracle really.


I absolutely agree, and this makes Me think of a saying in My cross-stitch book that I think applies to all of us in the support and love and encouragement that we get from one another ......... it goes like this:

"That you and I could live our lives at the same time on earth, how incredible God's plan" :stillheart:

[Apocalipstic]

I absolutely agree, and this makes Me think of a saying in My cross-stitch book that I think applies to all of us in the support and love and encouragement that we get from one another ......... it goes like this:

"That you and I could live our lives at the same time on earth, how incredible God's plan" :stillheart:

I think that is perfect!

I know this song is about loss in a romantic relationship, and that is not where my PTSD comes from at all....but this song has been on my mind all week.

Elton John
I'm Still Standing

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid

I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

[Leigh]

I love that song, and I'll include another one that seems fitting too:


YouTube- I Will Survive

[Princess4u]

I love that song, and I'll include another one that seems fitting too:


YouTube- I Will Survive (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I)

I find that I sing this song for many reasons throughout my life...it has kept me going at times...and has given me the courage to keep going when i just wanted to end it all....

[Apocalipstic]

That is a great one Braedon!

For those of you who listen to music to calm down, what do you like?

For me, it depends on mood, but for deep relaxation I like Kitaro best.

When I am depressed, Elton always helps.

Duke Ellington, Count Basie always put a smile on my face.

I will find myself at my desk, listening to music from the Great Depression...or Requiems and I know its time to put on Big Band. :)

[Leigh]

I find that I sing this song for many reasons throughout my life...it has kept me going at times...and has given me the courage to keep going when i just wanted to end it all....

My mom and dad began dating in 1977 and were on again/of again until she got pregnant with Me in 1979 (I was born in 1980). That song by Gloria is the one that My Nan got My mom to listen to way back then to get over their break-up, which at the time was a pretty bad one (then they got back together in 1993 and have been married since 1995) so its very special to Me :)

That is a great one Braedon!

For those of you who listen to music to calm down, what do you like?

For me, it depends on mood, but for deep relaxation I like Kitaro best.

When I am depressed, Elton always helps.

Duke Ellington, Count Basie always put a smile on my face.

I will find myself at my desk, listening to music from the Great Depression...or Requiems and I know its time to put on Big Band. :)

Alot of My music depends on My mood, but lately I've been on this big 80's kick finding and watching videos on YouTube from when I was a kid ......... its been so wonderful having these little flashbacks to a simpler time before becoming an adult and having to deal with stuff that one has to deal with as they get older. I'm listening to a song that takes Me back a long ways, one that I love singing along to sometimes and since we're on the subject of music I am enjoying sharing some with you :)

YouTube- Klymaxx - I Miss You

[Canela]

Hi Everyone!

Just thought I'd stop in real quick before I go to bed, and say hello...I have been running around all day, praise God! The pneumonia doesn't know what hit it! lol...It's been downgraded to acute bronchitis but it might as well go on now, cuz I got too many things to do this weekend!

Also, I spent the day running errands with my daughters, reconnected with an old friend, shopped and shopped some more...had dinner with the hunny and the kids...(kids, 23 and 17)...my girlie chihuahua is in heat, my daughter's miniature pinscher is also a girlie and also in heat...(Oh Lord) we have these poor lil girls taking turns humping each other and trying to do something and not really knowing what...lol...I figured I would share this with you all, since well, it's kinda funny haha and funny strange at the same time...and I'm mortified one moment and laughing and screaming the next...lol...just thought I'd get ya to laugh with me...oh my goodness...lol...

That's most of my day...will be back soon....sorry for the derail...

Love and many blessings to all!(f)

Shug

[Jet]

That is a great one Braedon!

For those of you who listen to music to calm down, what do you like?

For me, it depends on mood, but for deep relaxation I like Kitaro best.

When I am depressed, Elton always helps.

Duke Ellington, Count Basie always put a smile on my face.

I will find myself at my desk, listening to music from the Great Depression...or Requiems and I know its time to put on Big Band. :)

I'm a music collector, I have 80 years of music, Big band, swing and jazz being most of it. Music is everything. And much of the time, has got me through many hours.

[Jet]

Good morning fellow PTSDers. :)




I am on meds now and they do make me even more overweight than I used to be, but I have reached a certain peace with that. So damn what? I am fat. My father and grandmother would always tell me I was "bigger than a barn" or to not wear red cause I "looked like a barn", all for my own good of course...not sure what the barn fixation was about either?

I feel like a ghost sometimes too, especially if for some reason my meds are interrupted or intercepted...like right now, I spent a couple of weeks on steroids for ashtma and my mind is not right.

I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who is not positive. Not at work, not at home, not in my friendships.

I want you to know that you are not alone and that things can get better. That every day is a new fresh start. You can be who you want to be.



The nice messages in this post are bigger than a barn...and that's a pretty big deal... *tippin' my hat as always*

[Jason]

Thanks for posting this. It caught my attention right away. I know a lot about PTSD...not bragging that is for sure because I wish I didn't know as much as I do. I think it is highly misunderstood and possibly not treated properly. It often leaves the people that suffer with PTSD symptoms feeling isolated and alone because of the lack of understanding....just think of the people returning home from war...vietnam. There are a lot of different ways a person can experience trauma, but the symptoms of PTSD are all the same...the flashbacks and visualizations that occur are just of whatever experiences each individual had that caused the severe trauma.

[AtLast]

Thanks for posting this. It caught my attention right away. I know a lot about PTSD...not bragging that is for sure because I wish I didn't know as much as I do. I think it is highly misunderstood and possibly not treated properly. It often leaves the people that suffer with PTSD symptoms feeling isolated and alone because of the lack of understanding....just think of the people returning home from war...vietnam. There are a lot of different ways a person can experience trauma, but the symptoms of PTSD are all the same...the flashbacks and visualizations that occur are just of whatever experiences each individual had that caused the severe trauma.

And then there are the exaggerated or increased startle responses.... ARGH, never know if I am going to scare innocent people!!! Yes, soft :listening:....

[Princess4u]

And then there are the exaggerated or increased startle responses.... ARGH, never know if I am going to scare innocent people!!! Yes, soft :listening:....

OMG yes...i used to have friends who thought it was funny to see me jump when the phone rang or someone knocked on the door..or they would pretend to hit me....and watch me jump and raise my arms to defend myself..it was a big game to them...but to me it was normal...it was all i knew. I thought that everyone had that reaction to noises or fast reactions. Then when i was in the psychologists office getting tested for learning disorders...his phone rang and he noticed my reaction...that is when i was diagnosed w PTSD. That was over 20 years ago, and nothing has changed...well except i dont have those same friends anymore...:bow:

[Leigh]

Hi Everyone!

Just thought I'd stop in real quick before I go to bed, and say hello...I have been running around all day, praise God! The pneumonia doesn't know what hit it! lol...It's been downgraded to acute bronchitis but it might as well go on now, cuz I got too many things to do this weekend!

Also, I spent the day running errands with my daughters, reconnected with an old friend, shopped and shopped some more...had dinner with the hunny and the kids...(kids, 23 and 17)...my girlie chihuahua is in heat, my daughter's miniature pinscher is also a girlie and also in heat...(Oh Lord) we have these poor lil girls taking turns humping each other and trying to do something and not really knowing what...lol...I figured I would share this with you all, since well, it's kinda funny haha and funny strange at the same time...and I'm mortified one moment and laughing and screaming the next...lol...just thought I'd get ya to laugh with me...oh my goodness...lol...

That's most of my day...will be back soon....sorry for the derail...

Love and many blessings to all!(f)

Shug

Thanks for the funny moment Shug lol

I remember an ex of Mine from like 6 yrs back had a little dog named Bear, and when he was in heat he would get on top of his rolled up brown blanket and hump he hell out of it lol it was disturbing sometimes but others it as funny as hell :lol2:

I'm a music collector, I have 80 years of music, Big band, swing and jazz being most of it. Music is everything. And much of the time, has got me through many hours.

With limited funds right now, I'm not able to expand My music collection as much as I would like to but I'm glad there are sites out there like YouTube where I can find old videos and favorite songs from the past :)

I also have used music to get Me through some of the harder times in My life, and its done wonders for Me ........ thank goodness for music :thumbsup:

Thanks for posting this. It caught my attention right away. I know a lot about PTSD...not bragging that is for sure because I wish I didn't know as much as I do. I think it is highly misunderstood and possibly not treated properly. It often leaves the people that suffer with PTSD symptoms feeling isolated and alone because of the lack of understanding....just think of the people returning home from war...vietnam. There are a lot of different ways a person can experience trauma, but the symptoms of PTSD are all the same...the flashbacks and visualizations that occur are just of whatever experiences each individual had that caused the severe trauma.

Good post Jason, thanks for including it :)

[Dragonfly]

Muddy Waters can always bring a happy haze over my brain if the panic attack isn't too severe. It will Block out whatever thoughts are there and bring me back down heart rate and breathing too. I dont really hear the lyrics as words or think of the blues as depressing. It is something beyond that, it's my association with it and how his music is so tied to a Huge positive thing to me personally.

There are other artists and other genres that can do the same thing for me, so it's not just "the blues" making me feel happy in general as is usual. I think music therapy is a miracle all by itself. Finding the songs that work for you is the hardest part. Association was what I think helped me, I associate certain songs with memories or moods. Then Make the mixed cd's and keep them around to try, dont expect it to work every time... just throw it in there with the other things you already do to combat the ptsd symptoms you have.

I just rented yoga dvd's that are for beginners (or "out of shape") to use without doing the complete yoga thing. Relaxation techniques and breathing and stretches that reduce stress depression and related issues. One of them is candlelight yoga, cant wait to try em out. I got them under the guise of "for" my daughter since she is yoga newbie totally and uninterested since birth lol. But I confess I am really excited to participate in yoga structured exercises geared to help with both of our ptsd, not just as an exercise geared for fitness, and doing it together is another bonus. Just passin on the ideas...

[atomiczombie]

Quick update on me:

My Dad started having heart trouble in the beginning of January and was in the hospital for a week. He was short of breath and weak. His heart was in atrial fibrolation (or however it is spelled lol). At that time the cardiologist told him he needed a new aortic valve. He had aortic stenosis, where the valve doesn't open wide enough to let all the blood flow like it should, and he got congestive heart failure as a result.

On Feb 9th he went in to have the open heart surgery. They replaced his valve with a cow valve (moooo). He had some complications after his surgery and was in the ICU for 10 days (bleeding out, tachycardia, etc). He finally was able to go home after 12 days in the hospital. We were told before the surgery that he would be in the hospital for 5-7 days, so it was very stressful when he didn't get to leave until quite a bit later.

Since he has been home, I have been his main caregiver during the days while my mom works. I feed him and help him walk and make sure he takes his medicines, things like that. He had some lingering complications at home, which are now getting ironed out, thankfully. He is going to be ok.

All of this put a lot of stress on me and I slipped back into having panic attacks, stuttering and stammering, tics, etc. When I get like that I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. That is why I haven't been posting for a while. Everything was overwhelming, worrying about my dad and all, so I shut everyone out like I usually do. :(

I am wishing you all well and glad we have this space to come together and talk about our struggles and victories. Hang in there everyone, and thanks for the support.

Drew

[Princess4u]

Dear A,
I am sorry to hear your family has been under such stress. I hope your dad is healing well. Caridac surgery can be a long recovery depending upon the health and ability of the person. The stress it can bring to the caregiver is seemingly limitless. You want to let your dad do what he can within his limitations set by the doctor. Dont "baby" him, as some pple tend to do, and some men tend to allow their family to do for them. When in reality it lengthens the rehab time. Take a deep breath, just breath, do something good for you too. If its a walk alone or reading a book, going to the movies w friends, just something. If you have any questions please feel free to email me anytime, my speciality is post cardiac surgery. Take care my dear.....and take care of you!!!Quick update on me:

My Dad started having heart trouble in the beginning of January and was in the hospital for a week. He was short of breath and weak. His heart was in atrial fibrolation (or however it is spelled lol). At that time the cardiologist told him he needed a new aortic valve. He had aortic stenosis, where the valve doesn't open wide enough to let all the blood flow like it should, and he got congestive heart failure as a result.

On Feb 9th he went in to have the open heart surgery. They replaced his valve with a cow valve (moooo). He had some complications after his surgery and was in the ICU for 10 days (bleeding out, tachycardia, etc). He finally was able to go home after 12 days in the hospital. We were told before the surgery that he would be in the hospital for 5-7 days, so it was very stressful when he didn't get to leave until quite a bit later.

Since he has been home, I have been his main caregiver during the days while my mom works. I feed him and help him walk and make sure he takes his medicines, things like that. He had some lingering complications at home, which are now getting ironed out, thankfully. He is going to be ok.

All of this put a lot of stress on me and I slipped back into having panic attacks, stuttering and stammering, tics, etc. When I get like that I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. That is why I haven't been posting for a while. Everything was overwhelming, worrying about my dad and all, so I shut everyone out like I usually do. :(

I am wishing you all well and glad we have this space to come together and talk about our struggles and victories. Hang in there everyone, and thanks for the support.

Drew

[Jet]

It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.

[Princess4u]

It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.

No one is ever the same after confronting their PTSD, at least that is what I think and feel, but perhaps we become a better person, more compassionate, more loving, more helpful to others in distress. I think become more humble and willing to accept things that we once shunned away from ourselves. Perhaps seeing the beauty beyond the outter shell of ppl and things. Admiring the beauty GOD has granted us with each and everyday. With each new season, a thunderstorm. Because we realize how fragile life can be, we realize how precious ppl can be and that the truest of blessings are the most simplest of things inside of ourselves and around us. We may never know that person we once were, but imagine the person you can become once you are complete and whole again. Dream big and lift yourself out of the darkness to become the man you want to be!:rose:

[Gemme]

I read an article yesterday about a topic not related to PTSD, but there was a quote in there that I felt might be relevant to the discussion here.

Dr. Boyce Watkins wrote, "When someone kills your spirit and willingness to try, then they have given a death sentence to your destiny."

Every teeny, tiny thing that happens to us and around us affects us in some way. The huge stuff....the traumatic stuff....when someone does something to you that changes who you were, then they affectively killed the person you would have been.

Everything changes from that moment on and you have to work exceptionally hard to not only get back to where you were (as best as possible, anyway), but you've new obstacles to overcome. You have to find a way to gain the strength to give yourself life and to remain present in it.

[Princess4u]

I find it still very strange, how after all of the years I still feel so out of control when confronted with a trigger or a "lil red flag in the pit of my stomach". You know that feeling I am sure we all have it I think. But you would think that experience, time, age, wisdom, would help me to learn how to react during these events. But I find myself feeling so out of control, helpless, frozen stiff out of fear. I just dont understand, no matter how many times I try to rehearse in my head the proper response....when the time comes...I am transported back in time to that place and once again frozen still in terror and unable to react.

[Jet]

I find it still very strange, how after all of the years I still feel so out of control when confronted with a trigger or a "lil red flag in the pit of my stomach". You know that feeling I am sure we all have it I think. But you would think that experience, time, age, wisdom, would help me to learn how to react during these events. But I find myself feeling so out of control, helpless, frozen stiff out of fear. I just dont understand, no matter how many times I try to rehearse in my head the proper response....when the time comes...I am transported back in time to that place and once again frozen still in terror and unable to react.

I dont know if this will help, but one of my dearest friends, who is a psychologist, said we have to feel the feelings when a memory arises. You can't be afraid to feel; fear of feeling or reliving keeps us imprisoned. My goal has been to move through the feelings and the memories. It's very difficult, but try not to be afraid to feel the event.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Princess4U.

I believe you have to figure it out internally. You have to find that place of inner peace. It is a coping mechanism. Let me give you an example, every now and then I have to come in contact with my bio-father. Now remember he has a razor sharp tongue that will cut anyone down in size in a second. He finds joy in that. I am just to the point that I try with all my might to ignore him. I pity him. He has nothing really. He has no friends. The only family he has is the one he bought with a new home, cars, etc. And he throws that in my face whenever he lays eyes on me. I guess it makes him feel better for being such an ass. So when he starts using the derrogatory name calling, and berrating me head to toe, I put my hand up like a stop sign, and I leave. There is only so much I can take. When I get the phone calls of why don't you call, I tell him and my mother that I am always insulted and offended when I come by. Why should I drive three hours to be offended and insulted? I just need one reason other than my mother. It is so not worth it.

Gemme's quote by Dr. Boyce Watkins is so relevent to us. I think when folks are verbally abused like we have been, it hits home. I am not sure of anyone else, but there are times when I feel like everyone is playing the big homecoming football game, and I am the waterboy on the sidelines. I am always on the sidelines. Always. So, I get what you are saying.

ox,
Andrew

[Leigh]

Muddy Waters can always bring a happy haze over my brain if the panic attack isn't too severe. It will Block out whatever thoughts are there and bring me back down heart rate and breathing too. I dont really hear the lyrics as words or think of the blues as depressing. It is something beyond that, it's my association with it and how his music is so tied to a Huge positive thing to me personally.

There are other artists and other genres that can do the same thing for me, so it's not just "the blues" making me feel happy in general as is usual. I think music therapy is a miracle all by itself. Finding the songs that work for you is the hardest part. Association was what I think helped me, I associate certain songs with memories or moods. Then Make the mixed cd's and keep them around to try, dont expect it to work every time... just throw it in there with the other things you already do to combat the ptsd symptoms you have.

Music has gotten Me through some of the toughest of times, and I find that it helps to calm Me down when nothing else can. I can turn on the music, plug in My ear phones to turn it up as loud as I want, and just enjoy. I don't have mixed CD's but I thank goodness that I have YouTube, cuz I can find all of My current and most of My old fave songs and that helps combat being in a bad mood or feeling down :thumbsup:

Quick update on me:

My Dad started having heart trouble in the beginning of January and was in the hospital for a week. He was short of breath and weak. His heart was in atrial fibrolation (or however it is spelled lol). At that time the cardiologist told him he needed a new aortic valve. He had aortic stenosis, where the valve doesn't open wide enough to let all the blood flow like it should, and he got congestive heart failure as a result.

On Feb 9th he went in to have the open heart surgery. They replaced his valve with a cow valve (moooo). He had some complications after his surgery and was in the ICU for 10 days (bleeding out, tachycardia, etc). He finally was able to go home after 12 days in the hospital. We were told before the surgery that he would be in the hospital for 5-7 days, so it was very stressful when he didn't get to leave until quite a bit later.

Since he has been home, I have been his main caregiver during the days while my mom works. I feed him and help him walk and make sure he takes his medicines, things like that. He had some lingering complications at home, which are now getting ironed out, thankfully. He is going to be ok.

All of this put a lot of stress on me and I slipped back into having panic attacks, stuttering and stammering, tics, etc. When I get like that I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. That is why I haven't been posting for a while. Everything was overwhelming, worrying about my dad and all, so I shut everyone out like I usually do. :(

I am wishing you all well and glad we have this space to come together and talk about our struggles and victories. Hang in there everyone, and thanks for the support.

Drew

(((((((((((Drew)))))))))))

Wow man, you've gone through alot over the last say two months. I remember back when My dad had a heart attack, and how much pressure it put on Me as well as My mom to take care of him once he got home (not to mention dealing with caring for My autistic sister). The thing that made it hard on us with him is that he was always demanding things to be done for him, expecting us to do things for him because of his "heart problem". He had been through alot no doubt, but he milked it for all it was worth and that put a huge strain on us because we had to deal with that day in and day out.

I'm glad that he is going to be okay, and that your helping to take care of him while he recovers. I really do hope that things improve for you, and that you get to feeling emotionally better very soon ........ I know it's been alot for you to deal with, but I know that ultimately you will come out of this strong and capable of facing anything you have to :)

Dear A,
I am sorry to hear your family has been under such stress. I hope your dad is healing well. Caridac surgery can be a long recovery depending upon the health and ability of the person. The stress it can bring to the caregiver is seemingly limitless. You want to let your dad do what he can within his limitations set by the doctor. Dont "baby" him, as some pple tend to do, and some men tend to allow their family to do for them. When in reality it lengthens the rehab time. Take a deep breath, just breath, do something good for you too. If its a walk alone or reading a book, going to the movies w friends, just something. If you have any questions please feel free to email me anytime, my speciality is post cardiac surgery. Take care my dear.....and take care of you!!!

The stress can seriously weigh down on others, and can take away time from the caregiver because they have to give it all to the patient. Its a big deal and can take alot out of all parties involved, but thats what you do when something happens to someone you love ~ you help out as best as you can :)

It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.

Always good to see you Jet, and I hope that things with you will be well as time goes on ~ your an inspiration to Me, for working just to get past all that you've been through and still being true to yourself :)

I read an article yesterday about a topic not related to PTSD, but there was a quote in there that I felt might be relevant to the discussion here.

Dr. Boyce Watkins wrote, "When someone kills your spirit and willingness to try, then they have given a death sentence to your destiny."

Every teeny, tiny thing that happens to us and around us affects us in some way. The huge stuff....the traumatic stuff....when someone does something to you that changes who you were, then they affectively killed the person you would have been.

Wow Gemme, I'm amazed at how much that one quote hits home hard for Me. I could sit here for hours talking about how much that quote describes My entire life, but I wouldn't wanna get into all that. Thank you for sharing that with us hun, I will have to write this one down!!!!

I believe you have to figure it out internally. You have to find that place of inner peace. It is a coping mechanism. Let me give you an example, every now and then I have to come in contact with my bio-father. Now remember he has a razor sharp tongue that will cut anyone down in size in a second. He finds joy in that. I am just to the point that I try with all my might to ignore him. I pity him. He has nothing really. He has no friends. The only family he has is the one he bought with a new home, cars, etc. And he throws that in my face whenever he lays eyes on me. I guess it makes him feel better for being such an ass. So when he starts using the derrogatory name calling, and berrating me head to toe, I put my hand up like a stop sign, and I leave. There is only so much I can take. When I get the phone calls of why don't you call, I tell him and my mother that I am always insulted and offended when I come by. Why should I drive three hours to be offended and insulted? I just need one reason other than my mother. It is so not worth it.

Gemme's quote by Dr. Boyce Watkins is so relevent to us. I think when folks are verbally abused like we have been, it hits home. I am not sure of anyone else, but there are times when I feel like everyone is playing the big homecoming football game, and I am the waterboy on the sidelines. I am always on the sidelines. Always. So, I get what you are saying.

ox,
Andrew


Andrew,

Sometimes I wonder if we were brothers meant to meet after being separated before birth (hell, even before conception). I can't eve begin to say how much, in many ways, your life mimicks Mine and how things with My father are this exact same way. My whole problem right now is that I live at home with him, so there is no getting away from his condescending attitude and accusatory glances. He has no problem with telling Me whats wrong with Me, or what I don't do and how I'm a lazy ass and won't amount to anything worthwhile. My father will also throw into My face anything that he can, even if its nothing at all if its something that cane make him feel like a big man he will not hesitate to open his lips and start flapping them.

All of the years that he has spent abusing Me emotionally and verbally, I have lost so much of My life because of feeling worthless and not good enough for anyone or anything. I haven't been able to keep a job or a decent relationship for very long, I dropped out of school before finishing (but I did get My GED in 2006), I don't have a degree or any post secondary schooling, I still live at home because I have a problem being alone etc. There are so many things that his abuse has screwed up, so many times that I've wondered if I'll ever be able to have a life and separate Myself from the picture of Myself that he's painted of Me thats so engrained into My head its like thats who I am.

I'm not used to opening up like this at all, not to anyone be it online or in person so while I'm not used to being this honest with people I think its good to get things off of My chest. I'm glad that I have a space where I can come and be with others like Me, where I can be an open book and not be judged ~ I have a little family here, and I love it :)

[Andrew, Jr.]

Braedon,

It is an honor and priviledge to be your brother. It doesn't matter if we are blood brothers or not. We ARE brothers.

Love ya man,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

I hope everyone had a good weekend!


My therapist also says you have to allow yourself to have the memories, pain and anger and process them and see where they take you.

I have shut away so many memories over the years and am having to deal with them now. In a way, it's good beacsue I know I survived what all happened, but it would be nice to be well and not have all this hellish pain to process.

Bottom line is we are alive and today is a new day! :)

[friskyfemme]

Exactly! I barely see my family because I cut those dysfunctional expectations out of my life. I am still in the feel selfish stage. I know in my head that I am doing what I need to do by avoiding them... but it takes longer to UNDO that "role" than it took for them to lock me into it. Holidays are harder even though I thought it was going to make it easier. I should have expected them to be healthier... rather than easier.

Seems less selfish to think I am doing this for their good also. An enabler I was letting them continue to harm themselves and that helps me every day to think its not just "for me". I also have two teens who have been catching on for a few years... and getting angry in my defense. I think of doing what is right as a role model for my two and my four nephews. I dont want them to be dragged into it and influenced. I dont want the cycle to infect our next generation growing up.

The buck stops here...
It is a big move. I totally relate to where you're coming from. I had to let my family catch up with where I was coming from. IT took many years. But my motivation was definitely to break he cycle for my kids and nieces and nephews. I can see that healing in their children. So even though I still ride the waves of dysfunction I feel like I was able to do some good for my family. Blessings to you.

[friskyfemme]

I hope everyone had a good weekend!


My therapist also says you have to allow yourself to have the memories, pain and anger and process them and see where they take you.

I have shut away so many memories over the years and am having to deal with them now. In a way, it's good beacsue I know I survived what all happened, but it would be nice to be well and not have all this hellish pain to process.

Bottom line is we are alive and today is a new day! :)
Hugs...Hugs...Hugs
Getting through the pain ain't pretty....but it is pretty great. Keep your optimism... You're on the right track ... You're exactly right you are a survivor and you just need to shake the pain. I don't think you ever forget, but for me it more like just a memory without the emotional (at least for the most part)... evry once in a while it creeps back but it stays for shorter times now... Blessing to you on your journey.

[Jet]

but the symptoms of PTSD are all the same...

no...they...are not all the same.
and i resent my sufferings being grouped as general experiences.

[Apocalipstic]

I think we can say that some of the symptoms of PTSD are the same even if the original trauma is different.

Whether it be abuse, war, bombs, loss, a traumatic event....whatever it is, we end up learning coping skills to get us through, to keep ourselves alive...then, when the actual event (or events) is over, we still have those hyper aware coping mechanisms we had to use to survive which do not necessarily work well in every day life.

Everyone has their own hell, but many of the symptoms of that hell manifest in similar ways. It is our bodies response to abnormal situations.

Symptoms like:

Re-experiencing the traumatic event
Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)
Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma
Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)
Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma
Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
Loss of interest in activities and life in general
Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb
Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)
Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Irritability or outbursts of anger
Difficulty concentrating
Hyper vigilance (on constant “red alert”)
Feeling jumpy and easily startled
Anger and irritability
Guilt, shame, or self-blame
Substance abuse
Depression and hopelessness
Suicidal thoughts and feelings
Feeling alienated and alone
Feelings of mistrust and betrayal
Headaches, stomach problems, chest pain

I have many of these. For example, it never occurred to me I would live to be 46. Never for one second.

I am hyper vigilant and very easily startled. I have had substance issues, depression, thoughts of suicide, anger, stomach, head and chest pain, I relive some of the traumas over and over, guilt, feeling of detachment, sleep problems, muscle tension, breathing issues, nausea, self blame, guilt, guilt, guilt, flashbacks intense physical reactions and more.

The Brain Spotting (in therapy) is intense, but seems to be helping. We started walking after work. I hope I can keep it up. I need to exercise and to get out more other than work.

No ones walk is alike, agreed! But we do have enough in common to understand and be here for each other when we can.

[Apocalipstic]

I have been so jumpy.

I know it makes people feel strange around me when every little movement almost makes me scream. I am hoping that getting some exercise will help.

[Leigh]

I get that often too, where every little thing makes Me nervous or jumpy ~ hopefully that will go away sometime in the future :)

[Apocalipstic]

I am kind of worried about this weekend, lot's of social obligations. I so hope everything goes smoothly and I don't get overwhelmed.

I am especially excited that I get to meet Princess4u tomorrow evening!

[Apocalipstic]

I was just over on the "Do You Remember" thread.

It's funny how you can be the same age as someone else and they experienced childhood in such a different through rose glasses way. The world was safe, everything was happy and easy and good and bright...

The world has never been safe. There were no good ole days.

[Leigh]

I am kind of worried about this weekend, lot's of social obligations. I so hope everything goes smoothly and I don't get overwhelmed.

I am especially excited that I get to meet Princess4u tomorrow evening!

I hope that this weekend goes smoothly for you too hun!

You get to meet Princess4u? No fair, I wanna meet her too :(

I was just over on the "Do You Remember" thread.

It's funny how you can be the same age as someone else and they experienced childhood in such a different through rose glasses way. The world was safe, everything was happy and easy and good and bright...

The world has never been safe. There were no good ole days.

Its pretty amazing how everyone grows up differently, and how we all have a completely different view of how things were at any given time in life

[Jason]

WHAT DOES POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER MEAN?

Post is the Latin word for "after".

Trauma is the German word for "nightmare", but in English, it is used for any kind of injury, physical or psychological.

Stress is a force that changes the shape of things (including people).

Disorder refers to things that are a problem in a person's life now.

To understand PTSD, it is necessary to tell two stories.

Once upon a time, several blind men wanted to understand about elephants.

An elephant was brought to them, and they all approached it from different directions.

One felt the tail, and said "an elephant is like a rope"!

Another found a leg, and said, "no, an elephant is like a tree trunk".

A third walked into the side of the elephant, and said, "really, an elephant is like a wall .

Others found the ear, the trunk, a tusk, and each felt his part of the elephant was the real elephant.

Each blind man was right about his part of the elephant, but none of them really understood about elephants.
The story of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is similar.

PTSD was first recognized after the American Civil War. Doctors noticed that some soldiers who had been in heavy combat complained of having attacks of fast heartbeat, chest pain, difficulty breathing, and fear that they were dying or going crazy.

The symptoms were similar to heart attacks. Not having the scientific equipment to investigate further, they assumed the attacks were a form of heart disease. They called it "soldiers' heart".

We now know the attacks are not heart disease. They result from rushes of adrenalin, triggered by bad memories or nightmares.

A few years after the war, most people forgot about the problem, but the part of the elephant they had found was real.

World War I was the first time very large numbers of explosive shells were used in battle.

It was noticed that some combat veterans, afterward, had trouble with feeling somewhat dazed or confused, and with poor concentration and memory.

This seemed similar to what happened in many brain injuries. It was thought that the concussions of the shells caused tiny spots of bleeding in the brain. They called it "shell shock".

Eventually, a lot of autopsies were done on soldiers who had died of other causes, and no such bleeding was found. It was recognized that the symptoms resulted from extreme stress, not brain damage.

It should be remembered that many people with PTSD, especially from child abuse and domestic violence, have had damage from blows to the head. Both symptoms of brain injury and effects of overwhelming stress may be present in the same person.

A few years after the war, the matter was again dropped, but they had found another part of the elephant.

When World War II came, it took until June of 1944 to redevelop the treatment methods used in 1918.

In that war, they learned two important things. The severity of a person's symptoms was directly related to how much stress he or she had undergone, over how much time.

It was calculated that of 100 men in continuous combat, every single one would break down within 189 days. They called it "combat fatigue", or "combat exhaustion".

It also became clear that there is no such thing as a stress-proof person. Certainly some people break before others, but with enough stress and enough time, everybody breaks. They had another part of the elephant.

After World War II, it was assumed (never investigated, just assumed) that symptoms of traumatic stress went away in 6 months or a year, after the war was over. They were greatly mystified at the large number of alcoholics who came out of that war.

Only after the Vietnam War did it become clear that PTSD symptoms could appear at any time, during or after the war. The symptoms could go on, better or worse from time-to-time, all of a person's life.

The severity of the symptoms is influenced by how much emotional support a person has available during and after trauma.

Veterans of an unpopular war, such as Vietnam, were clearly affected by the fact that nobody wanted to talk about it later.

Survivors of child abuse and domestic violence are more severely affected because family or friends, who normally would provide support, are the perpetrators of the violence.

In the late 1970's feminist writers began publicizing the fact that far more child abuse, sexual abuse, and domestic violence were occurring than previously admitted.

Studies began to reveal that domestic violence is a problem in about 25% of all families, regardless of race, religion, income or education. About 16% of all girls and 8% of all boys are sexually abused before the age of 18 years. Rapes reported to the authorities may represent less than 10% of those that actually occur. About 10% of the adult population is alcoholic. Inclusion of other abusable substances may raise the figure to double that.

Very few people are directly involved in wars, but most people have a family.

Unlike in times past, the feminists and Vietnam veterans have not shut up and gone away. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is now an official diagnosis in the diagnostic and statistical manual.

Consciously or unconsciously, the brain remembers everything. Trauma really happens, and it changes who you are. You cannot seriously hurt human beings and expect them to forget it and be alright afterwards.

People who have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder often worry about whether they are "crazy".

The word "psychotic" (or crazy) usually means experiencing or believing things that are not real: being "out of touch with reality".

People with PTSD's have essentially the opposite problem. They are in too much contact with reality, and in contact with realities that most people have the privilege of not knowing about.

It is just as possible to be sick from too much contact with reality, as from not enough.


This is a great article on PTSD from the Lola Greene Baldwin Foundation. If you want to read the entire article, then go to:

http://www.prostitutionrecovery.org/ptsd.html

I have done a lot of research on PTSD and this is a good one! It does a lot of comparison to war veterans and survivors of domestic violence, child abuse, etc. as examples of some of the ways that people can have traumatic experiences, resulting in PTSD.
:aslIloveyou:

[Jet]

I'm not posting much having been traveling through my trauma. It's not over. I don't have much of an appetite or desire to do much, but I've just showered and eaten something and I wanted to touch base. I have the feeling I won't be around much; I can't say for sure how I'll feel in the coming days.

I'm going to change. I don't know how, but I feel it—as though my personality or person is going to change. I fear it more than anything and all i know, as I write this, is that I'm in the hands of God.

Take care everyone. Say prayers, for me and for all of us and I will too.


(sharing my favorite prayer)

Memorare
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone
who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence,I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come,
before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

I love you Blessed Mother. No matter what happens, remember me.

Let nothing afright me —St. Theresa of Liseux

[Canela]

I am kind of worried about this weekend, lot's of social obligations. I so hope everything goes smoothly and I don't get overwhelmed.

I am especially excited that I get to meet Princess4u tomorrow evening!

Hi Apocalipstic!

Sorry I haven't been around much lately, I pop in form time to time to keep tabs and see how everyone here is doing, and I see so much support from everyone that I KNOW you guys are functioning very well...I am so glad to read all your posts, and then the responses...so much love here...feels good doesn't it?

:happyjump:


Sounds like you have a full and exciting weekend planned...I wish you lots of love, fun, blessings and peace throughout, so that you can just let yourself go and enjoy what is coming (especially connecting r/t with Princess4U!--How exciting!)

If all else fails, do what I do sometimes when I don't know what to do...just smile and nod...pretty soon I forget what I was upset about and adopt the smile for real...you are an amazing woman, and you deserve to have a wonderful weekend....God bless you greatly!

Love and many blessings to you my friend,(f)

Shug

PS--give yourself and Princess a hug from me will ya?:gimmehug:

[Apocalipstic]

The weekend was so much fun, I did get overwhelmed a bit with noise, but we went home when I was ready, so all is well.

I not only got to meet Princess4u, but also Spirit Dancer!!! It was so cool. I think they had little time to talk to anyone else cause I monopolized them. :)

Jason, thank you so much for that post! Very informative. Some people even have both, childhood trauma and being around a war as children. Can you imagine the pain kids in Haiti, Iraq and Afghanistan will face.

Jet, sending you healing vibes!

Lil Shug, we miss you! so great to hear from you!

[Leigh]

Hi Apocalipstic!

Sorry I haven't been around much lately, I pop in form time to time to keep tabs and see how everyone here is doing, and I see so much support from everyone that I KNOW you guys are functioning very well...I am so glad to read all your posts, and then the responses...so much love here...feels good doesn't it?

:happyjump:

Glad to see your post Shug, glad all is well and hopefully you had a peaceful weekend :)

The weekend was so much fun, I did get overwhelmed a bit with noise, but we went home when I was ready, so all is well.

I not only got to meet Princess4u, but also Spirit Dancer!!! It was so cool. I think they had little time to talk to anyone else cause I monopolized them. :)

I'm still so jealous that you got to meet Princess (and Spirit for that matter) but I am so glad that things went well and that you all had such a good time :gossip:

[Princess4u]

I was just over on the "Do You Remember" thread.

It's funny how you can be the same age as someone else and they experienced childhood in such a different through rose glasses way. The world was safe, everything was happy and easy and good and bright...

The world has never been safe. There were no good ole days.

Yes, although I am glad that some ppl are blessed to not know the type of pain many of us here have had to endured. I kept looking at that thread and wanting to post...unable to find anything to say positive. I have to say that I think everyone has to endure hardships of some sort...and they affect us all in different ways. We are left with emotional scars and open wounds which may never heal. Let's hope that those folks never have to endure this type of life long pain and torture...I for one find a happiness in that possibly someone didnt have to endure the type of life I have. But I sure would like to be able to post something positive in that thread. Love ya sista!!!!

[Apocalipstic]

Yes, although I am glad that some ppl are blessed to not know the type of pain many of us here have had to endured. I kept looking at that thread and wanting to post...unable to find anything to say positive. I have to say that I think everyone has to endure hardships of some sort...and they affect us all in different ways. We are left with emotional scars and open wounds which may never heal. Let's hope that those folks never have to endure this type of life long pain and torture...I for one find a happiness in that possibly someone didnt have to endure the type of life I have. But I sure would like to be able to post something positive in that thread. Love ya sista!!!!

I keep posting the truth in there.

There has always been crime, drugs, sad hurt people, pain, PTSD, mental illness.

If they keep it up someone hold me back from posting photos of people like us getting lobotomies.

Having a badddddd loooow day, so sorry.

On a lite note, you are adorable and I hope we can hang out some more real soon :rrose:

[Andrew, Jr.]

One of my niece's got married this past weekend. It was wonderful because I had time to see and visit with my other nieces and nephews. They each hang on me like little monkeys. I love it! They are my pride and joy. :goodscore:

The one thing I have to say is that each one came to me and talked in length about their grandfather's abuse of their parent (mother or father who is my sibling). Each one told me stories about growing up with the after-effects. It really does affect each one differently. The two themes that was obvious throughout was our father's control and abuse issues if he didn't get his way. It was horrible. And the kids sensed this.

So for those who think it stops when you are out of the home, or away from the abuser, no. And all of us who have lived thru abuse, no matter what kind it was, are more in tune with reality than those who never did.

[Apocalipstic]

One of my niece's got married this past weekend. It was wonderful because I had time to see and visit with my other nieces and nephews. They each hang on me like little monkeys. I love it! They are my pride and joy. :goodscore:

The one thing I have to say is that each one came to me and talked in length about their grandfather's abuse of their parent (mother or father who is my sibling). Each one told me stories about growing up with the after-effects. It really does affect each one differently. The two themes that was obvious throughout was our father's control and abuse issues if he didn't get his way. It was horrible. And the kids sensed this.

So for those who think it stops when you are out of the home, or away from the abuser, no.


So glad you had fun my friend!

I so agree about abusers. When my little nephew was 4, he would not let my father come to his little lemonade stand, he said he did nto like him. That gave me such peace, that if a 4 year old can see he is not a good person, then I am not as crazy as I though.

TU! BTW, my nephews name is Andrew too. :)

[Andrew, Jr.]

I have a question...why do so many people say that we are not dealing with reality? I am lost. I think if anything we are more in tune with reality than most people. :fishswim:

Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

I have a question...why do so many people say that we are not dealing with reality? I am lost. I think if anything we are more in tune with reality than most people. :fishswim:

Andrew


Hey there! xoxox

Who says that and in what context?

Not knowing details all I can come up with is that it is often easier for people to discount that which they do not understand.

[Leigh]

I just wanted to come in and say hi to everyone, see how your all doing and let you know that I think about each of you every day .......... hope everyone is having a wonderful day :)

[Apocalipstic]

I just wanted to come in and say hi to everyone, see how your all doing and let you know that I think about each of you every day .......... hope everyone is having a wonderful day :)

Thank you Braeden! :)

How are you today?

I hope wonderful!

[Leigh]

Thank you Braeden! :)

How are you today?

I hope wonderful!


No complaints here, doing as good as can hope :)

[Apocalipstic]

No complaints here, doing as good as can hope :)


I always feel better in the Spring!

Is it warmer where you are yet?

[Leigh]

Its +1 here right now, gonna be in the low minuses tonight ........ not quite the kind of warm I am wanting, but its a start :D

[Apocalipstic]

Its +1 here right now, gonna be in the low minuses tonight ........ not quite the kind of warm I am wanting, but its a start :D

Wow, if that is a start, then I am glad for you! Come on Spring for Braedon!

[Leigh]

Wow, if that is a start, then I am glad for you! Come on Spring for Braedon!



LOL yup

Usually around this time of year its not only a heck of alot colder here, but there always seems to be tons of snow on the ground. Funny thing is that today there is NO snow on the ground and is actually in the pluses for temperature so thats nothing to sneeze at :beerbros:

[Jet]

hello all. i hope everyone is doing well. I'm not on much; I've been releasing a lot of fear and feelings of trepidation. I was thinking today, if this is ever overwith, I wouldn't be surprised if I wept for a month. Everything is done in steps.

take care.
j

[Dragonfly]

I think that tears are a release of energy that is needed when the soul swells up with so much emotion that the body cannot contain it... and so the body weeps in relief.

** It was better said by Nicholas Cage in the movie "City of Angels" but I cant remember enough of movie lines to quote them. No matter if they are from Happy or Hurt emotions, tears are still a natural mental and physical release.

[Jet]

I think that tears are a release of energy that is needed when the soul swells up with so much emotion that the body cannot contain it... and so the body weeps in relief.

** It was better said by Nicholas Cage in the movie "City of Angels" but I cant remember enough of movie lines to quote them. No matter if they are from Happy or Hurt emotions, tears are still a natural mental and physical release.

very nice post.

[Apocalipstic]

I hope everyone is hanging in there today, yesterdat was rough for me. I was a wreck by last night, but today is another day. :):rose:

[Andrew, Jr.]

I went to Mass today, and stayed for a while afterwards. I like to sit in silence and pray/meditate. Lately I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I am having restrictions put on my driver's license because of the glaucoma. My big toe appears normal yet it feels like I have an ingrown toenail. It is diabetic neuropathy. The medicine I take for the pain isn't helping. I have been struggling to loose weight, and am terrified that I am going to loose my big toe. Slowly I am loosing my independence. It doesn't bother me as it does my elderly parents. They are deadly afaid that I am going to ask them for money. How sad is that?! Sheesh.

Today is enough for me. I am happy to be here, and alive. :schnauzer:

[Apocalipstic]

Andrew, I am so sorry this is happening.

Are you 100% sure you don't have an ingrown toenail? My podiatrist said he cut all mine out, but it was still hurting and I found a huge ingrown shard of nail still in there. I have felt soooooo much ebtter since.

I am not religious, but I do find a cathedral one of most peaceful places to be.

Sorry your Dad is being such a jerk, he sounds singularly un-helpful. GRRRRR.

[Andrew, Jr.]

No ingrown toenail. I went to the podiatrist. He said it was from the diabetes. My toe looks normal, but hurts like heck.

I feel like for each and every step forward I make, there is something in my pathway shoving me back. It is very frustrating and depressing. I have to pull myself outta this funk.

My father is a selfish, self-centered, jackass. I have my 11 nieces and nephews hanging on me, asking me to intervene on their parents behalf. They are so very upset with their Grandfather. I really have never witnessed anything of this nature before. It brings tears to my eyes. I told one of my nephew's fiances that I wish I won the Powerball Lottery so I could just hand out cash to all of them.

[Apocalipstic]

No ingrown toenail. I went to the podiatrist. He said it was from the diabetes. My toe looks normal, but hurts like heck.

I feel like for each and every step forward I make, there is something in my pathway shoving me back. It is very frustrating and depressing. I have to pull myself outta this funk.



Same thing happened to me, podiatrist and everything. Toe looked fine but hurt sooooo bad. I hope yours is all better soon.

So sorry about all the obstacles, I agree that can be very depressing.

Try and enjoy things you can pinpoint as good, like your friends and your babies. :)

[friskyfemme]

I hope everyone is hanging in there today, yesterdat was rough for me. I was a wreck by last night, but today is another day. :):rose:
((((((apocalipstic))))))

Sending loving peace from my spirit to yours.

[friskyfemme]

No ingrown toenail. I went to the podiatrist. He said it was from the diabetes. My toe looks normal, but hurts like heck.

I feel like for each and every step forward I make, there is something in my pathway shoving me back. It is very frustrating and depressing. I have to pull myself outta this funk.

My father is a selfish, self-centered, jackass. I have my 11 nieces and nephews hanging on me, asking me to intervene on their parents behalf. They are so very upset with their Grandfather. I really have never witnessed anything of this nature before. It brings tears to my eyes. I told one of my nephew's fiances that I wish I won the Powerball Lottery so I could just hand out cash to all of them.

Andrew

I'm sorry your having a tough stretch. I think it will be better soon. There seems to be a black cloud affecting a lot of people's lives right now. I think it its because of the transition into Spring from the harder winter most have experienced. The energy is on the upswing raise your heart and raise the vibration. :)

[Andrew, Jr.]

Well, I have done a major no no. I stopped my daily blood draws, and have been skipping my Actos (diabetic med.). With the money I saved on the strips for the blood draws and my meds, I was able to save enough money to buy my niece a nice wedding present. That is why my big toe is giving me trouble. I know I know. I already got the lecture.

[Apocalipstic]

Well, I have done a major no no. I stopped my daily blood draws, and have been skipping my Actos (diabetic med.). With the money I saved on the strips for the blood draws and my meds, I was able to save enough money to buy my niece a nice wedding present. That is why my big toe is giving me trouble. I know I know. I already got the lecture.


So, are you getting back on the program today?

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yep. I am back on my meds today, and tomorrow I start the blood draws.

[Apocalipstic]

Yep. I am back on my meds today, and tomorrow I start the blood draws.



Good for you!

and you are not going to use this as a way to save money in the future, right???

:eyebrow:

Sorry, you felt like you had to do this, I hope you feel better really soon!

[Jet]

There is nothing more horrific beyond the trauma itself than facing it alone. This requires faith from every fiber of my being.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Apocalipstic,

I promise that I won't. I had a bill to pay. It came up unexpectedly.

[friskyfemme]

Apocalipstic,

I promise that I won't. I had a bill to pay. It came up unexpectedly.

'I was able to save enough money to buy my niece a nice wedding present. That is why my big toe is giving me trouble.'

__________________
Andrew,
Please see how absurd this is. You are not thinking clearly without your meds. I do understand your shifting back and forth you can not just something that your body is
use to having without consequences. Don't even think about trying this again!

[Princess4u]

Yep. I am back on my meds today, and tomorrow I start the blood draws.


I know its hard with all that PTSD causes us to endure...but try not to stray from your maintance medical routine. As mundane and frustrating as it can be...you know Andrew....that...getting off track can make things worse...I am glad you hear you are getting back on track..and a big ^5 brother...hugz comin to ya

[Princess4u]

There is nothing more horrific beyond the trauma itself than facing it alone. This requires faith from every fiber of my being.

Jet,
You are never alone. You know this dear....you are surrounded by love and healing not only from the Lord about and HIS helpers...but from those of us here...I know sometimes you feel so alone because you cant reach out and feel someone or hear their voice, but know that I am there with you and holding you keeping you calm giving you the light and the strength to keep fighting. You are strong you are a survivour you are a pillar of determiniation and a mountain of spiritulality. Keep close to HIM...listent to HIM...love HIM more everyday!

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thank you all for your love and support. I was afraid to tell my adopted sister. She can be a bit overwhelming sometimes. But I did tell her. She pretty much chewed my ass off one cheek at a time, and went back for seconds. It was not pretty. Trust me. At one point I was ready to :help: while she was :furious:. I was told to expect a call from my gay brother and his partner this afternoon. I am sure it won't be a :cheer: call.

[Apocalipstic]

You guyysss....GROUP HUG!

I'm so glad we can come here and share. I am calling and ordering my meds this morning, so I won't run out myself. :)

I watched a show the other night on lobotomies and thought about how much I wanted to have one back when I was in my teens and 20's and I am so very thankful that I was born when I was and that I have access to medicines that help me be functional instead of ending up WAY worse off.

I am so thanful we have each other.

Jet, I hope your day is peaceful!

Andrew, I am proud of you for getting back on the program!

Pretty Princess! xoxoxoxoxoxo

Spirit Dancer, have been thinking about you this week!

Frisky, you rock!

Everyone else, HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

I am sentimental and weepy today. Way better than being flipped out!

[Jet]

You guyysss....GROUP HUG!

I'm so glad we can come here and share. I am calling and ordering my meds this morning, so I won't run out myself. :)

I watched a show the other night on lobotomies and thought about how much I wanted to have one back when I was in my teens and 20's and I am so very thankful that I was born when I was and that I have access to medicines that help me be functional instead of ending up WAY worse off.

I am so thanful we have each other.

Jet, I hope your day is peaceful!

Andrew, I am proud of you for getting back on the program!

Pretty Princess! xoxoxoxoxoxo

Spirit Dancer, have been thinking about you this week!

Frisky, you rock!

Everyone else, HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

I am sentimental and weepy today. Way better than being flipped out!

It will be okay. I don't know how it will be okay, but it will be o-kay. Just as a side bar...frisky and i go back about 3 years, we had the good fortune of meeting in real time about 2 years ago in Georgia. She's been a terrific listener through all my stuff and she deserves a big hand. Her friendship is steadfast no matter how crazy my story was or is...thanks FF for being so non-judgmental.

j

[Andrew, Jr.]

TGIF! :flying:

[Apocalipstic]

TGIF indeed!

Glad to see you all!

[Jet]

After I went through my ordeal, I went into seclusion for 11 years. I rarely saw anybody except my parents; I didn't socialize and I only went to work and the store. Can you imagine? I lived a completely opposite existence from what i knew. I taught myself art those dark years—and it's all I accomplished. With all that's coming back full circle now, I feel that I may go into seclusion again, I can't say for sure. Take care.

[Jet]

One thing I would like to add is that I believe it is imperative to stay physically healthy. I'm pretty staunch about eating healthy, taking supplements and vitamins, and keeping my environment uplifting. I clean my apartment, (I'm a clean freak anyway), fix great dinners and do everything I can to feel better as I move through this. It's easy to fall into slumps or to let things slide. These things help.

[Andrew, Jr.]

My blood sugars are running high. My diet hasn't changed. And I have a call into my doc. I was stupid to play with my blood draws. I learned my lesson.

I am a practicing Buddist/Catholic. It does help me to meditate and pray. Right now my hardest burden is forgiveness. Not for me, but for Rosie and my home (nest). I have to work on this.

Thanks for listening.

Andrew

:aslIloveyou:

[Apocalipstic]

Good morning all!

Jet, I think those are great points and ones I think about.

I do go to work every day and get done what I must. I have to be able to take care of myself. Back in my 20's I had a major melt down and was out of work for 6 months and found I was too sick to handle the mental health system. It is easier to go to work every day than to make all the calls and doc appointments to get disability unless you either know how to work the system or have an advocate to do it for you.

I keep some of my vacation back in case I need to take off, but I have had my current job for 12 years. :)

I have not been as active as I should be, I have a lot of pain with other issues. I have started walking after work and slowing down or stopping for a few minutes if I am in too much pain, then starting again.

Eating right makes a huge difference in how I feet! My system is a wreck when I go near fast food.

Andrew, forgiveness is a hard one, I work on that constantly. I am not even positive I really know what forgiveness means.

Have a great week all! I am working on trying to give myself god thoughts when I start to falter and think negatively.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Apocalipstic,

I am right there with you. Everything you are doing, I am too with one exception - the work. My blood sugars today were over 200. So, I am taking double my meds, per doctor orders. We are hoping that this helps.

As for forgiveness, it is easier to type and say the word than to actually do it. The process. Sometimes the pain is just too overwhelming for me to handle mentally. It just is. No amount of talking about it does much good. Confrontation is out. I just want to be. As simple as it sounds, sometimes it is so very hard to achieve. I know that the simplier the life the better. But when it comes to the mental issues of forgiveness, I have no answers. I pray and mediatate. I hope that God helps me overcome my negativity. I want nothing more than that. But again, easier said than done.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

I am still working on the difference between thoughts and feelings, laugh. Maybe after that I can try to look at forgiveness?

Forgiving of others.

and

Forgiveness of myself for not being a stoic Buddha. For not having enough control over my emotions, thoughts and feelings to make this all go away.

I start getting better and then I read something about how our health issues are because of our own thoughts and feelings....and I know that if I were a better person I could control it all better. Must. Work. Harder.


I hope you can get your blood sugar regulated Andrew!

[Spirit Dancer]

You guyysss....GROUP HUG!

I'm so glad we can come here and share.

Spirit Dancer, have been thinking about you this week!


Everyone else, HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

I am sentimental and weepy today. Way better than being flipped out!

oh lovely one I only just saw this, thank you very much for your kindness.(f) We're still here so time will tell. Have a beautiful day

[Apocalipstic]

May today be lovely and safe and peaceful!

:linus:

[Andrew, Jr.]

Amen to that. :angel:

[Canela]

Hello my brothers and sisters!

I have been off my own schedule these last few weeks, popping in from time to time just to see how everyone is doing but crazy busy with life and family...

We had a crisis of sorts and I was called upon to tend to an elderly aunt who has diabetes, and she is a stubborn ole gal and wasn't taking care of herself like she should....messing up her sugar count and meds by eating whatever she wanted and the family giving in to her demands to keep her happy--she is 82 this year...the matriarch of our family and she was hiding what was happening to her...

Her foot got horribly infected, the home health nurse called me angry that I should take her to the dr...I did and he sent her directly to the hospital...she refused to let anyone know she was ill that way because she didn't want her foot amputated...ugly truth is it was so bad, it was almost black, and she lost her little toe some where and so they had to amputate the remaining part of it...I know gross right?

Well, I was not happy right then, because her sons should have been on the case for a long time before this and the nurse yelled at me, but I'm glad I was called because I wanted her to go to the hospital and she accepted that finally--she listened to the dr and so now we are waiting for her to get better and hopefully she won't need to have the rest of her foot gone, but dang it's been a little crazy trying to get the rest of the family to stop being enablers and quit bringing her goodies and snacks...dang do these people wanna kill her? Do they want me to kick their butts? lol...I wouldn't do that but I have had to put some people on alert...the sons,especially either they get it together or I am calling adult protective services cuz this is too much and she deserves so much better. I told them either take care of her or I will...

So yeah. With that, going back and forth to the hospital, my father off his diabetes meds too and my daughter with a new job, my youngest in a struggle with her best friends and still volunteering for fundraisers which she does NOT cook for but I have had to, twice this week, and my own job(s), not to mention my poor hunny....well, let's just say, mama is tired...

So pray for us all, as I do for you my friends and family here...I am not neglecting you, just haven't been able to do what I need to...oh did I mention the laundry and housework too??? lol...God is on my side I know this...so...I hope you all are doing well, it sounds that way and I miss you all...

:LGBTQFlag:

One more thing--don't forget the basket for the reunion raffle in Little Rock...pm me with what you (any of you) would like to add and we will go from there....ok??? I expect to hear from you soon, since we need to start putting our things together and I will ship it (on the off chance I can't make it after all)...I am trying I swear I am.

Love to all, I am going to bed soon...thank God.

Sleep well everyone...see you again soon.

Shug

[friskyfemme]

Hello all trauma survivors....Big Hugs...
Just wanna say I have included you all in my healing ceremony...It is a very powerful ceremony at the full moon. I have also added you into my Medicine Wheel. The Healing energy is right in front of you allow it to enter. Go to a quiet place when your ready. Close your eyes. Raise head up. Open your mouth and breathe in the white Light. Hold it inside for a few seconds and feel the warmth illuminating inside. Blow your breathe out. Great Spirit blesses you. Repeat as necessary.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I just got some horrible news today...one of my sister's 2 kids called me on the phone to talk. They told me that my sister is a cocaine and drug addict. It explains alot. The kids want to hold an intervention, and want me to be there. I am not sure if it would be a good idea. My sister refuses to talk to me, and even at my nieces wedding she could barely hold a conversation with me. I take her like a grain of salt. I always have. Now, I am blindsided. The kids mean the world to me. I just am caught in this.

[Jet]

Hello everyone.

I don't sleep much these days going through this process; I'm finally up and I wanted to touch base. Thanks to those of you who i have been in touch with in the course of starting this process. The most difficult part for me is going it alone due to the nature of this. Doctors and hospitals don't work, although i will be getting meds to hold down the anxiety and stress of going through this.

Life is on hold. Contract designs, full-time job hunting, trips —everything is on hold and I can tell you that nearly every hour is or will be spent on processing this through. The damage in me is far more extensive and the PTSD much more serious than I ever realized. But it has taken nearly 2 months to get the full picture in view. I was in touch with my two best friends back home yesterday who are aware of what's going on and I'm in touch with my friend in here in Georgia.

Thanks for all of your prayers and thoughts. I'm lucky to be standing quite honestly. But you know 17 years is a long time to hold something in. You forget, suppress, and internalize which is incredibly dangerous. I will be in touch here because it is a link to all of us who relate and it is an outlet for me as well. I appreciate being able to connect here at the Planet. The weather has finally nice and I want to integrate a lot of walking. I've had to quit my weightlifting because of lack of concentration and many flashbacks. Mine feel as though i will faint and often I'll keel over with severe fear or anxiety. So, my workout regimen right now is shot. If I can get balanced out enough in the coming weeks I'll try it again. This has taken my life and I'm in fight to reclaim my person and my life.

There have been hundreds of times I've asked God to take me. He said no.

With that....

Be safe and be strong everyone,
I love you.

Jet

[friskyfemme]

I just got some horrible news today...one of my sister's 2 kids called me on the phone to talk. They told me that my sister is a cocaine and drug addict. It explains alot. The kids want to hold an intervention, and want me to be there. I am not sure if it would be a good idea. My sister refuses to talk to me, and even at my nieces wedding she could barely hold a conversation with me. I take her like a grain of salt. I always have. Now, I am blindsided. The kids mean the world to me. I just am caught in this.

Of course you know best how to handle this situation. But my vote is with your first thought. Tell your niece you support her in doing the intervention. However, an intervention is usually more successfulwhen participants are people the individual has a valued relationship with. This doesn't seem to exist between you and your sister (as unfortunate as that is). If you nieces are minors and living with your sister, you can contact Children Protective Services hotline and make an animous report of your sister drug abuse. Just a thought.

[Apocalipstic]

I feel like crying today and can't concentrate.

I keep telling myself everything is OK.

[Andrew, Jr.]

FF, :princess:

Thank you for your advice. Her 2 kids are in their 20's and getting married. Both kids and their soon to be spouses want to do the intervention, and include me in this. I don't see how this will work with me at all. My sister hates me because I was not able to stop the abuse taking place. She blames me 100% for her incest. I was about 4 or 5 yo. I tried to stop it, but my father used abuse against me (physical, verbal, mental, and so on).

I carry that guilt with me to this very day. I already confronted my father on it. He is an ass. That pretty much sums it up.


Apocolipstic, :princess:

I am sorry you have these feelings today. Try to get outside and look at some beautiful flowers. I know how negativity affects me as well. :twitch:
I am praying for you.

Love to all,
Andrew

[Jet]

I feel like crying today and can't concentrate.

I keep telling myself everything is OK.

((((((((((((((apocalipstic)))))))))))))))

It will be okay. And you have support here as well.

[Apocalipstic]

Thank you all! Hugs!

I need :tanning:

[Princess4u]

I feel like crying today and can't concentrate.

I keep telling myself everything is OK.

Sometimes we tell ourselves what seems logical...but the pain is still there...its believing in ourselves and that it WILL be ok....thats the hard part...do something nice for yourself...get a pedi or mani...sometimes its when we feel the lowest that we need to cuddle ourselves and love ourselves even more...which I know is easier said than done....I love ya...I am here if you need to chat...well via phone..I am home now but thats not too far as you know. Hugs sweetie...

[Princess4u]

I am finding myself confused...scared and overwhelmed...there is someone that I have been speaking to....and I dont know when or how to even tell hym about my PTSD...I sometimes wonder why even bother...but then you know what happens...a loud noise a startle response....you cant hid that forever...does anyone have any thoughts on this. I usually just keep that part of me locked away and hope for the best....but I am wondering if that is part of the problem with my past relationships...I suppose better sooner than later...and if hy runs then hy runs....I dont know...any thoughts?????

[Princess4u]

I just got some horrible news today...one of my sister's 2 kids called me on the phone to talk. They told me that my sister is a cocaine and drug addict. It explains alot. The kids want to hold an intervention, and want me to be there. I am not sure if it would be a good idea. My sister refuses to talk to me, and even at my nieces wedding she could barely hold a conversation with me. I take her like a grain of salt. I always have. Now, I am blindsided. The kids mean the world to me. I just am caught in this.


Andrew...that is a difficult place to be in...but you have to do what you feel is right in your heart...look yourself in the mirror and say out loud what your choices are and the possible consequences of them....see if that helps...bc my friend...you will have to face yourself for the rest of your life with what ever choice you decide to go with...she may blame you bc blaming your father is way to painful for her...(just a thought, I dont know) Do what you feel in your heart...do what you know you can live with! I pray for you and your family that she will be ok!

[Apocalipstic]

I am finding myself confused...scared and overwhelmed...there is someone that I have been speaking to....and I dont know when or how to even tell hym about my PTSD...I sometimes wonder why even bother...but then you know what happens...a loud noise a startle response....you cant hid that forever...does anyone have any thoughts on this. I usually just keep that part of me locked away and hope for the best....but I am wondering if that is part of the problem with my past relationships...I suppose better sooner than later...and if hy runs then hy runs....I dont know...any thoughts?????

I think that anyone who runs at the thought of PTSD does not deserve you!

Everyone has their stuff. I think being open and honest from the begining and able to talk about anything makes for a good relationship.

Mayber suggest exchanging lists of "things you should know"? Some can be funny, some serious?

[TenderKnight]

Wow, great thread. I have not had time to really read through it, but from what little I have read, I am relating to a LOT of folks. Thank you all for sharing on here, that is always a very brave thing to do, even if it is "just" online..

Now, about me.. I am a child abuse survivor. The sexual abuse went on for the first 3 to 4 years of my life and I still have emotional issues with relationships due to it, mostly equating sex with love, and the feeling that if there isn't sex, this person doesn't REALLY love me.. That is something that I am aware of and make my partners aware of, and I talk it out. Doesn't make it go away, but it helps.

More recently, I was a first responder to someone that got stabbed. I am not an EMT or a professional, but I was there when it happened and applied pressure to his wound. There was a LOT of blood and the guy that stabbed him (turned out to be his boyfriend), was there too, with his hands over mine. I didn't realize what was going on with the two, only that the victim was very upset and kept telling the other guy to go away. This all happened a week ago, but it seems MUCH longer ago for some reason.

Since then I have been showing some reall signs of PTSD.. The insomnia and recalling the event are strongest, but the hyper awareness is there too.. It happened right outside of my place of work, so I recall it when ever I come in and late at night when I'm walking home. I have even drawn up in defensive stance when co-workers have startled me. It's weird to be on automatic like this.. But talking about it has helped a LOT. I have friends here with me that are a huge help.

Thank you all again for your responces to this thread and thanbk you for starting it in the first place.

In Light,
Tony

ps- the victim is alive now and the suspect is in jail, facing trial..

[Apocalipstic]

Wow, great thread. I have not had time to really read through it, but from what little I have read, I am relating to a LOT of folks. Thank you all for sharing on here, that is always a very brave thing to do, even if it is "just" online..

Now, about me.. I am a child abuse survivor. The sexual abuse went on for the first 3 to 4 years of my life and I still have emotional issues with relationships due to it, mostly equating sex with love, and the feeling that if there isn't sex, this person doesn't REALLY love me.. That is something that I am aware of and make my partners aware of, and I talk it out. Doesn't make it go away, but it helps.

More recently, I was a first responder to someone that got stabbed. I am not an EMT or a professional, but I was there when it happened and applied pressure to his wound. There was a LOT of blood and the guy that stabbed him (turned out to be his boyfriend), was there too, with his hands over mine. I didn't realize what was going on with the two, only that the victim was very upset and kept telling the other guy to go away. This all happened a week ago, but it seems MUCH longer ago for some reason.

Since then I have been showing some really signs of PTSD.. The insomnia and recalling the event are strongest, but the hyper awareness is there too.. It happened right outside of my place of work, so I recall it when ever I come in and late at night when I'm walking home. I have even drawn up in defensive stance when co-workers have startled me. It's weird to be on automatic like this.. But talking about it has helped a LOT. I have friends here with me that are a huge help.

Thank you all again for your responses to this thread and thank you for starting it in the first place.

In Light,
Tony

ps- the victim is alive now and the suspect is in jail, facing trial..

So glad to know that the victim is OK.

It is amazing how when we think we have done the work and are all better something can happen and send us right back into full blown PTSD or meltdown mode (as I call it). The hyper awareness, the startle response.

I don't know the answer, my therapist says that the body learns ways of keeping us safe and it kicks in when it feels threatened and overrides all our best intentions.

So sorry you are experiencing this. Know that we are here if you need to vent or share!

Hugs,

Jen

[TenderKnight]

Jen,

Thank you very much for your responce. I feel like I've kinda shut down emotionally on some levels.. It's pretty weird, but it's good to know that I have a place to go if my head is spinning at three am and I need to vent.. lol

-Tony

[Apocalipstic]

I totally get the feeling shut down emotionally thing! Right there with ya!

[Andrew, Jr.]

Tony,

I am so very sorry you endured that trauma. I will be praying for you.

PTSD is not something that just goes away, or if someone tells you to grow up or something rude along those lines - they have not a clue as to what it is to endure the trauma.

As for the shutting down experience, we all go thru that. Oh yes. We all do it. It is our body's way of giving us a "break". You will find yourself "zoning out" too. Another sign of the trauma.

I wish you peace and love, dear brother.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

I am overdone, I have been hitting myself in the head with the phone.
I need to stop that.

[TenderKnight]

Andrew, Thank you very much for your post. I have actually experienced the zoning out thing lately. I know it doesn't just "go away".. but part of me wants it to just go away, lol.

Jen, I hope your head doesn't break the phone.. lol (kidding, gallows humer here.) I hope that you get some time out time soon.. I have no idea exactly what you are going through, but if possible, a break from it might help. Even if it's just a little you time in the tub or on a walk somewhere.. My thoughts are with you.

OK, now I want to share what happened last night right outside of my apartment. I'm walking home and I'm half a block away and I see a lot of movement like right in front of my door. I of course go hyper aware and can sense some upset with them.. I get to the door and it's a couple of the homeless guys that hang out at the coffee shop down stairs and some other guy. The other guy is holding his finger. My first thought, "oh shit, i don't need this" but.. being who i am, I ask what's wrong. After a lil evasivness, it turns out, the guy tried to touch/mess with/looked at wrong, one of the homeless men, who promtly slashes his finger open with the blade he always carries.

I go upstairs, get the alcohol, bandages, and some bandage tape and come back down to let the cut guy clean up. The whole time, JC (the guy that cut the other one) is kinda circling and taunting the guy. Long story a little shorter, I think the guy will need stitches and I think JC has a little more respect for me.. lol

All during this, I'm calm, collected.. But another part of me just wanted to shut down and run. I told the cut guy that last week, I helped a guy that almost bled to death, "you may need some stitches, but you aren't going to die. (lower voice) and don't mess with crazy homeless guys with knives," he laughed and calmed down a lot.. He ended up walking away.

I just have to wonder why my Higher Power is setting these things in front of me. I wasn't able to sleep last night until i knocked myself out with nyquil. I've been clean and sober for over a year now and I'm going to pick up my program a bit.. Cause this shit is driving me to want to check out in big ways :( Talking about it helps a lot, but it is taking a toll and i can tell.

Love and Light,
Tony

[Dragonfly]

BIG (((HUGS)))) to everyone here, new additions and regulars of this thread.

If life is a rollercoaster than PTSD is my loop de loops. Disoriented for that moment you dont know what is up or down.... spinning and dizzy today.

Everyone find peace where and when you can.

[Apocalipstic]

Tony, it sounds like your neighborhood is scary. I would be terrified. I bet you tense up every time you enter your street now?

I totally get what you are saying about remaining calm though. In a crisis, I am calm and organized, then after if when I freak out and can't sleep and so forth. I have done the Nyquil thing before.

I won't go into my whole situation, I don't want to trigger anyone, but I was abused as a child while living in a country which was at war with itself including a coup and martial law and my mother died under bad circumstances and we moved to the US the same week and the abuse escalated...there have been periods of abuse or trauma since then that tend to escalate my symptoms. Feb of last year my father (abuser) died and dealing with all his stuff, selling his house all that has stressed me to the max.

One of the things I have always feared is the phone ringing....well, our receptionist has been layed off at work because of the economy and I am now responsible for answering then phone, and after idiotic call after even more idiotic all, I have started hitting myself in the head with the phone...In know it is insane. My therapist knows and wished I would get laid off work. I can't quit because I have been here 12 years and my G/F lost her job recently and is home going to school full time and my insurance and so forth.

Sorry I am rambling, I kind of feel nauseated.

[TenderKnight]

(((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))

Wow, that does sound stressful :( There is nothing I can say or do to make it "better", but just know that you are in my thoughts.

No, not really stressful to go out on the street (although, I have been making every excuse NOT to lately, except to go to work.. hmm ), and honestly, the neighborhood is pretty calm.. lol. It just seems like I am running into these events. Bah..

Again, sending you some positive energy.

Dragonfly, thank you for your welcome and ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) right back atcha :) Sending Light your way too, hon.

-Tony

[Apocalipstic]

(((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))

Wow, that does sound stressful :( There is nothing I can say or do to make it "better", but just know that you are in my thoughts.

No, not really stressful to go out on the street (although, I have been making every excuse NOT to lately, except to go to work.. hmm ), and honestly, the neighborhood is pretty calm.. lol. It just seems like I am running into these events. Bah..

Again, sending you some positive energy.

Dragonfly, thank you for your welcome and ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) right back atcha :) Sending Light your way too, hon.

-Tony

Thank you so much!

I hope we all calm down soon and get back to Peace and Harmony!

[TenderKnight]

Update to what happened last week. I have to appear as a witness next tuesday.. Gah.. STRESSED now.. lol

[Apocalipstic]

Update to what happened last week. I have to appear as a witness next tuesday.. Gah.. STRESSED now.. lol

Ohh yuck. Soooo. Sorry!

We will be thinking about you.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Tony,

I am so very sorry about having to go to court. Crap. PTSD is a rollercoaster.

I was wondering if you can go talk to someone before going to court. I think it would do you a world of good. Plus it would be of help afterwards. Do you know of any places where you can inquire about this?


Jen,

I am hoping you find your inner peace and strength right now. I think we all need it sooner than later.

Everyone here is in my thoughts and prayers.

Andrew

[Canela]

Hi Everyone;

I finally have some time to post again...I have been so busy and truly I have been blessed...so why do the depression symptoms try to rear their ugly head in my life these days?

I've been going thru some bad flashbacks lately, because my ex is trying to convince me that I should be with her/go back to her, all the while I am in love and happy with my hunny...it makes me feel weird and dirty but some tiny lil piece of me is happy that she wants me still. Why do I think that its happy? I think it's just an old and familiar. This relationship was extrememly dysfunctional, it was a TPE relationship without us even being a BDSM couple. I never knew I had given up total power to her. It was the worst 16 years of my life, being treated like a slave with no rights, no say...I don't tell this much because I don't like to revisit it. (It has taken the better part of 6 years to "deprogram" me from this control of hers.) I know its wrong, I know its not an option, going back to her is like taking 1000 steps backwards...and so, I am caught in this sort of auto pilot mode...I keep going thru my days, not always emotionally present and trying not to let this touch me...but it makes for a very difficult moment, then my days are delayed or not as filled because the depression, until I can overcome it and move, takes precedent. I am doing everything I can to push it off me, praying and trusting in God, calling on the holy spirit to inspire and motivate me, energize me and get me out of that place in my head and heart I am at in those moments.

I don't know if this makes sense, I just needed to vent, I needed to share and I needed my friends. I hope you are all overcoming, because we all deserve better. My head and heart and life knows this. But some days, nostalgia gets me and I allow it...damn those bridges of madison county! I need to remember that it's only once a year I'm allowed to do that.

My aunt is doing better, she is in a rehab facility now, my family is wonderful, and my home is all organized and clean and very comfortable. Work is taking a beating with everything I am going thru--have been doing in my personal life--but I am hoping I can get back into my stride and be productive, once again.

Love and blessings to all.

Shug

:golf:

[Apocalipstic]

I am so sorry this is happening Shug! Is there a way to distance yourself from your ex? I get being glad she still wants you, but it seems to be dragging you down? I am thinking about you and sending you happy vibes!!!!

Or maybe it's the pollen....or who knows what can set off depression. Logically things can seem so wonderful, but underneath the pain and anger simmers.

Sometimes It is hard to know what will set me off. I am considering another psychiatric visit if I don't feel better.

I love you guys and am so thankful we have this place to vent and share.

Hugs all around!

Jen

[TenderKnight]

(((((((((((Shug)))))))))))) sending you some positive thoughts and hugs.. I can relate with what you are going through, as I'm sure a lot of us on this thread can. I agree with Jen.. Is there anyway to set some bounderies or distance with the ex? I was in a simular situation a few years back.. I had an on again off again thing with this woman and it complicated my r/t relationships to no end. I loved giving my power over to this woman, even though she didn't really want it in the way I was giving it.. *shakes my head* Haven't been in contact with her for over three years and I still think about her sometimes. The head and the heart are weird things sometimes..

Wishing you the very best in this process.

Andrew, yes, I am going to ask my sponcer to come with me.. He has been part of my life for over a year and I trust him with everything.. I'm very grateful to have him. I will also be looking into some therapy soon.. I know that I need it, but part of me keeps putting it off. I think that may be some depression stuff coming up.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) To everyone on this thread.. Hope today brings you a little light and warmth.

-Tony

[Apocalipstic]

It is natural to think abusers can change. In the years I avoided my father, there were so many times I wondered if possibly I went back things could be different this time. But they never were.

Tony, so glad to hear you will have someone with at court. Just the noise and people can be stressful ion themselves.

[TenderKnight]

Yeah.. I have real issues with crowds anyway.. I get tense and start to stress out. As long as my back is to the wall and I'm near an exit, I'm fine, but if I'm stuck there.. OMG.. crazy time in my head.. Talking myself down the whole time, lol.

I want to thank you again, Jen, for creating this thread.. it has helped me and it gives me something to look forward to in the mornings.. That may sound silly, it may not.. But it's true. Thank you.

[Apocalipstic]

I am so glad to come in here and see what you all are up to too. :) It is kind of a grounding point. :) So thank you too!

I do not like crowds at all or loud noises or fussy people.....and it gets worse the older I am.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Crowds are ok. It just depends on who is there in the crowd. You know what I mean. If it is strangers, then no. For example, I am not into going clubbing like I was when I was a teenager. I would rather watch a ball game on TV. Or grill outside on my deck, smoke a cigar, and talk with my neighbors. I am at a point in my life that I no longer take things for granite. My home is my castle type of thing. I love it.

My father is my abuser. I can tell him something and he will go off on me for no reason at all. He is just a mean-spirited elderly man. His joy is ranting and raving about my mistakes in life starting when I was 5 yo. Yep. He goes back that far. When I tell people about my abuser I always say the phrase "crazy as a fox". It is the only way to describe him. He is smart, but nuts. I pity him, and pray for him. That is all that is left to do.

Tony,

I am glad you got your sponsor involved. Good for you! :hangloose:

Apocalipstic, (f)

I have no idea about switching doctors. I am not a good one to ask. You know I just have no more strength or belief in anyone in the medical community because of my past history with doctors and therapists and their betrayal of my trust.

Shug, (f)

I am happy to hear the news about your aunt. That is a positive step! :clap:

I think we all go thru the ups and downs in life. It is a rollercoaster. And finding that even keel is just hard work. Some days it is perfect, and others it is just a struggle and fight to get to Point A, and forget about Point B. Take your vitamins, and meds, say your prayers, and go for it. At least that is what I do. :knighthorse: All the glory goes to God for keeping me alive this long.

Much love and peace to everyone,
Andrew, living 1 day at a time

[JustBeingMe]

PTSD, oh yeah, I have it. I have a new reason to have it as well. It's a bitch that I gotta deal with and it ain't easy sometimes either. I hope all of you that have this are able to cope with better days ahead.

[Canela]

Thank you all for your advice, caring and well wishes...big hugs to all of you!

My fibromyalgia is acting up and with it comes a vulnerability in the depression department, but I fight it with everything I've got. And as you all know, my everything is my father God, amen.

Times like these, other symptoms crop up, but I am on it, taking a med to counteract or at least alleviate the aches and pains that comes with that and drink a lot of water and try to keep active although that is sometimes very difficult. It comes and goes, so it could last a few days, weeks or months...the last bout was 6 months ago. That lasted a few weeks. I am hoping though that now that I recognize the signs I can head this off at the pass, so to speak...

When it rains it pours huh?

After I wrote that last post of mine, I was able to let it go, you know, the grip it tried to have on me, the feelings I had and was going thru with the ex...it's insane really, and yet, it is and was a reality for me at one point in my life. It was the only longterm relationship I'd ever had, and it was so dysfunctional. I am very blessed to be rid of that. We have children together, but I try not to allow her to involve me, although I am not always successful. She has no control over me anymore like in the past, but sometimes there are triggers yet today, seeing it in print like that was a great eye opener(not to mention release) for me.

Thank you Apocalipstic for this thread. I can soooo appreciate it today as everyday. Have I told you lately how much I appreciate you? I do. As do many others...you are indeed very special and I am very happy to count you as a friend.

God bless you all--love and blessings to you all!:heartbeat:

Shug

[Jet]

Hi everyone,

Just checking in before the weekend.
My journey into exploring and facing severe trauma began
18 months ago with the situation gaining intensity
and remaining that way for the last 3 months.

I'm proud to say I'm alive; I made it through
what had to have been the most frightening,
most difficult part of remembering my ordeal.

There were continuous body flashbacks; many
times I had to hold on to something and remind
myself that what was happening wasn't real,
but a memory.

The intensity has eased up quite a bit and I'm
able to sleep. But there are residual affects such
feeling isolated and wanting to be that way;
remorse, disbelief that I went through this,
and terrible feelings of victimization for
having been blindsided.

I have a terrible time coping with the
fact that anything at all could have happened
so unforeseen and left field.

I could have been killed, and to think that I
had a brush with death is a lot to deal with.
At the same time, I think these are painful,
but normal responses.

The past few weeks have been heart stopping
to say the least and it took incessant prayer
and what faith I have to face unconscionable
fears and memories.

Mine was a case of severe shock and fear,
to the point that my heart chakra is so damaged
it feels as though a sword has gone right through
my sternum and out the back leaving and "empty
space" in that area.

But as I remembered and moved through
the shock, I felt a sort of "fusing" as though
my insides are fusing back together and that
"space" is beginning to close—normal feelings
in my chest are returning and the recovery
process has begun.

I can't speculate how long this will take.
Until then, I hope you're all doing well.

Jet

[friskyfemme]

Hi everyone,

Just checking in before the weekend.
My journey into exploring and facing severe trauma began
18 months ago with the situation gaining intensity
and remaining that way for the last 3 months.

I'm proud to say I'm alive; I made it through
what had to have been the most frightening,
most difficult part of remembering my ordeal.

There were continuous body flashbacks; many
times I had to hold on to something and remind
myself that what was happening wasn't real,
but a memory.

The intensity has eased up quite a bit and I'm
able to sleep. But there are residual affects such
feeling isolated and wanting to be that way;
remorse, disbelief that I went through this,
and terrible feelings of victimization for
having been blindsided.

I have a terrible time coping with the
fact that anything at all could have happened
so unforeseen and left field.

I could have been killed, and to think that I
had a brush with death is a lot to deal with.
At the same time, I think these are painful,
but normal responses.

The past few weeks have been heart stopping
to say the least and it took incessant prayer
and what faith I have to face unconscionable
fears and memories.

Mine was a case of severe shock and fear,
to the point that my heart chakra is so damaged
it feels as though a sword has gone right through
my sternum and out the back leaving and "empty
space" in that area.

But as I remembered and moved through
the shock, I felt a sort of "fusing" as though
my insides are fusing back together and that
"space" is beginning to close—normal feelings
in my chest are returning and the recovery
process has begun.

I can't speculate how long this will take.
Until then, I hope you're all doing well.

Jet




My dear,

I know alot of your struggle. I pray with you and for you in your healing.

God Bless You.

[Rockinonahigh]

Jet u have many friends hear,me for one,I wish u well in your journey..remember u r never alone.

[DELSDAUGHTER]

Just stopping by with a big hello and (((HUG)))
for everyone...

My daughter has moved home from colorado..and i am happy to announce she told me yesterday that her anxiety has lessened and hasnt had any chest or throat syptoms since she has been home....

thank goodness......boy a difference a feww months makes sometimes....

wishing you all well......have a good sunday.....

[Princess4u]

Yesterday I spent some time with my older sister. She mentioned running into someone from our old neighbourhood like 32 years ago old. We are TN now and we grew up in MD, so she ran into this person here in TN at a clinic she goes to for her medical care. So she mentions this name to me and it so happens that this person is the aunt of one of the boys who molested me. My heart stopped beating at the sound of this name...but I thought to myself that was a different time and place. Then she tells me where she ran into this person...now keep in mind my sister has no knowledge of my past nor do I want her to. So it took all I had just to keep my cool and not flip out. But I am glad to report.....no anxiety today or lastnight and no bad dreams...in the past when this abuse episode was triggered by something I not only had to deal with the psychological aspect of remembering...but the physical, does that make sense to anyone. Like my body remembered what was done to it and I feel it all over again. Crazy huh? But I was glad that i didnt have to endure any of that again..at least this time...maybe its all gone...wouldnt that be nice! Hugs and love and blessings to you all. May you have a beautiful week and find great joy and peace in your lives.:flowers:

[Andrew, Jr.]

Disclosing past abuse, no matter the kind (physical, sexual, mental, and so on) is very personal and private. I find it rather insulting and offensive when people want others to post their personal and intimate details online. To me it is like going to work, and having co-workers wanting to have something to talk about. You just don't do it. It is the same as talking about your sex life with everyone. You just don't do it.

Princess, you hold your head high. You a just a lovebug. Don't let anyone force you to do or say anything you don't want too! Remember we love you something terribly here, and I will stand up for anyone who tries to be ugly.

[Jet]

One of the things that I have found over the past several weeks, is that I am finally at a place where
I'm less hesitant to feel the feelings. That is a huge stumbling block, because it feels as though you relive the event.

This took weeks to get a hold of and understand. Now I think the process may be a lot quicker.
It's starting to feel good to let the feel arise and then let them go. Tonight, I thought I owe it to myself to let feel and let go.
This is a major step because the ordeal and feelings associated with it have been internalized and supressed for a long time.

[TenderKnight]

But I am glad to report.....no anxiety today or lastnight and no bad dreams...in the past when this abuse episode was triggered by something I not only had to deal with the psychological aspect of remembering...but the physical, does that make sense to anyone. Like my body remembered what was done to it and I feel it all over again. Crazy huh? But I was glad that i didnt have to endure any of that again..at least this time...maybe its all gone...wouldnt that be nice! Hugs and love and blessings to you all. May you have a beautiful week and find great joy and peace in your lives.:flowers:

Princess, I know exactly what you are talking about.. I was once told it is called "body memory".. Like your body remembers the event and it's played out again. I have it too. Thank you for your post and I'm sorry that you hit a trigger, but I am glad to hear that it went over pretty well so far. Happy Monday to you :)

-Tony

[Apocalipstic]

Hello my friends!

I have the body memory thing too. In a huge way.

Princess, I know the feeling. I am so sorry this happened. We love you and hang in there.

Jet, so glad you have made a breakthrough. We are here for you!

Andrew, you are a sweetie pie!

Sug, I wonder how many of us have Fibro or other autoimmune "opportunities" I think they come with childhood abuse, our bodies attacking.

Tender Knight and Rockin, you have such a sweet spirit! Thank you!

Dells, glad your daughter is better

Everyone who comes in to wish us well or hang out, thank you so much! :)

[Andrew, Jr.]

There were times during my abuse when I remember the prayer Jesus said. It went something like this..."Ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you." Well, I also remember saying and thinking wtf? Where in the hell are you?

Today, all these years later, someone reminded me that it is not our will but God's will that will be done.

[Apocalipstic]

My belief in God is all tied up with the crazyness of my father. His being a missionary and evangelist preacher...so many of his actions explained by "God told me to".

He said God told him to act like he did, so many times. It has always messed with me.

So Andrew, I don't know what is real and true religiously, but I do know that things happen in their own time and somehow things eventually seem to right themselves....

Except, our bodies and minds are left with the scars and the coping mechanisms we learned to deal with our individual traumas....coping mechanisms that seem all out of whack with everyday life.

I wish you and everyone who posts or reads this thread a peaceful evening and a good and refreshing night of sleep tonight.

(f)(f)

Jen

[Andrew, Jr.]

Jen, :hangloose:

Thank you. I needed that. This afternoon was very rough. Very rough.

Peace to you,
Andrew

[Princess4u]

My belief in God is all tied up with the crazyness of my father. His being a missionary and evangelist preacher...so many of his actions explained by "God told me to".

He said God told him to act like he did, so many times. It has always messed with me.

So Andrew, I don't know what is real and true religiously, but I do know that things happen in their own time and somehow things eventually seem to right themselves....

Except, our bodies and minds are left with the scars and the coping mechanisms we learned to deal with our individual traumas....coping mechanisms that seem all out of whack with everyday life.

I wish you and everyone who posts or reads this thread a peaceful evening and a good and refreshing night of sleep tonight.

(f)(f)

Jen


I didnt grow up in a religious family, I have searched in my heart for answers to my questions about God and the power of prayer. I think I do more talking to God than praying. Because in my experiences, when I have prayed, they have never been answered, when I have asked for something good, I usually was given bad, when I closed a door, I find myself alone in a black room without an exit. But yet I talk to God no asking, not praying but just talking. I have no expectations of our "conversation" other than I hope someone or something hears me because I have no one else to listen to my darkest fears and secrets. Perhaps its just my way of coping, I dont know. But I have no expectations of God or of prayer. What may be will be and I will just have to suck it up and deal with it as it comes. I dont know if that helps Andrew...its just my little way of making it minute by minute sometimes.

Love and Peace to you all...
Princess

[Kimbo]

Princess4u, I also have body memories. It is horrible to have to relive the things we do. Mine have faded much through the years and the therapy but they still happen on occasion, especially, if I feel unsafe around someone. I also can have some serious reactions to smell and a few other things. Our senses are truly amazing and powerful.

It's a good thing when you are triggered like that and you didn't have a major reactions. Things do get better, no?

[Princess4u]

Princess4u, I also have body memories. It is horrible to have to relive the things we do. Mine have faded much through the years and the therapy but they still happen on occasion, especially, if I feel unsafe around someone. I also can have some serious reactions to smell and a few other things. Our senses are truly amazing and powerful.

It's a good thing when you are triggered like that and you didn't have a major reactions. Things do get better, no?

I agree, our bodies are a great defense for our psychological protection. I just dread the physical pain it inflicts. It lasts for days even weeks. It is very painful. That is the hard part to endure, and I dont understand why it lasts so long. I really thought i was crazy...until all of you confirmed your own experiences. For decades I have thought I was a freak or something. There are triggers to it that I still havent pin pointed what they are. But endure is all I can do...it seems all I have a choice in doing. I have been to therapists in the years pasts, not very good ones...seems I was never a priority to them during my sessions. Which contibuted to my feeling like a freak and so insignificant. So none of these topics or issues where ever explained to me the way you have all described. So I thank you for that. I am not in a place to seek help, so I cope the best I can. Not that I would seek help most likely...for I dont feel anyone would want to help me. I have always just managed to survive one way or another. With a few leaps off the deep end here and there, if you know what I mean.

thank you all for you love and support and for understanding and most of all for making me feel less like an insignificant freak.

[Apocalipstic]

Jen, :hangloose:

Thank you. I needed that. This afternoon was very rough. Very rough.

Peace to you,
Andrew


So sorry your afternoon was hard, I hope today is better my friend!

I didnt grow up in a religious family, I have searched in my heart for answers to my questions about God and the power of prayer. I think I do more talking to God than praying. Because in my experiences, when I have prayed, they have never been answered, when I have asked for something good, I usually was given bad, when I closed a door, I find myself alone in a black room without an exit. But yet I talk to God no asking, not praying but just talking. I have no expectations of our "conversation" other than I hope someone or something hears me because I have no one else to listen to my darkest fears and secrets. Perhaps its just my way of coping, I dont know. But I have no expectations of God or of prayer. What may be will be and I will just have to suck it up and deal with it as it comes. I dont know if that helps Andrew...its just my little way of making it minute by minute sometimes.

Love and Peace to you all...
Princess

You are not a freak. very time I get upset about something or even really stressed or angry, I am in pain for weeks, sometimes months depending. Even my skin hurts.

I burn Virgin Mary candles (and sage) when I am freaked out. I am not sure what I think about her as she relates to Catholicism, but for me it helps. Maybe it is being in touch with the Divine Feminine and the Earth? Or maybe it reminds me of my mother. I do know when I hear Ave Maria I always cry. Always.

Prayer? I think positive thinking never hurts. No matter what form it takes. So in that sense I do think it helps. I think we have to ask for things in a "Greater Good" kind of way, and we need to be careful what we ask for.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Jen and Princess,

Yes! You have to be very careful for what you ask for. The universe, God, your higher power is so willing and able to help. Sometimes in life when you least expect it, boom it happens. I believe in Karma, life cycles, and destiny. It is what it is.

For me, I know I have no expections in others. That way I won't be disappointed in people. Growing up I was constantly told that I was a failure by both of my parents. I never expected to be told positive reinforcements. Never. So, when I heard one it was like :smokejoint: or :thinking: or :brainsucker:.

Another example, say someone wants to cross my boundaries and read my personal emails - go ahead. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. I know who has, and who has not. I also know pretty much the "why" of it. I just think of that person as sad and I pity that person. Same category as my father (who is missing a cylinder or two). Same holds true for gossip, and the mud slinging that goes on. There is no need for it. But someone wants to have the upper hand, and be "superior". Go for it. In the end, that person has a very long fall to the ground. I have seen it happen time and time again, especially when dealing with the paranormal. Big time. Never wish for something or do something that you will one day regret. It is called the boomer-rang effect of Karma. What you do to one, you do to all type of thinking.

When my father went thru my room hunting for God knows what, he never found anything. So, he thought he would "beat" it out of me. I am not sure of what this accomplished. Now, if you saw my Dad, you would see an elderly, very weak and sick man. Not someone who would be able to hurt a fly. But when you are 4-5-6-or 7 yo your father looks huge.

I hope this makes sense. I feel for some reason I needed to post this. I am not too sure of why, but I just did.

Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Oh Andrew, that totally makes sense, my father was the same way.

[DELSDAUGHTER]

i understand the body memory thing....
growing up i had a very abusive father until the age of nine....

when i was about 24 and had gotten my first apt....
i was sitting watching tv one evening and got a call from a strange woman that said she had someone on the other line that wanted to talk to me.

After a few seconds a mans voice came on the phone......it took me only a few seconds to realize it was my real father......my body/mind reacted instantly and i just fell to the ground hanging up in the same instance.....
It was like i was 8 years old all over again....fear, terror, sadness and all the feelings came rushing back......so yes i do believe that your body has the ability to react to memories....

another instance is when i was 12 i had an extremely high fever..with this fever came tunnel vision.....and to this day..when i see certain hole configurations...i get that same sick in my chest feeling as i did with that tunnel vision.

i know this is not as an instense situation as some have you have been thur but i can totally relate to the body reacxting to past situations..

[JustBeingMe]

Man, I wish I could tell you what's goin on but it's personal and this really isn't the appropriate place to vent it. It's just unbelievable that this crap is happening to me and how it's wrecking my life. I cannot understand (wrap my head around it) at all why I am having to go through this. I just know that it's caused me to have new anxiety and PTSD about it now. I wouldn't wish what I am going through on my worst enemy. Please just pray that the outcome will benefit me in a good way so that I can move on with my life, and take the steps toward making a new life for myself and get my life back on track. Thank you for making this thread available for us all.

[Jet]

Man, I wish I could tell you what's goin on but it's personal and this really isn't the appropriate place to vent it. It's just unbelievable that this crap is happening to me and how it's wrecking my life. I cannot understand (wrap my head around it) at all why I am having to go through this. I just know that it's caused me to have new anxiety and PTSD about it now. I wouldn't wish what I am going through on my worst enemy. Please just pray that the outcome will benefit me in a good way so that I can move on with my life, and take the steps toward making a new life for myself and get my life back on track. Thank you for making this thread available for us all.

Has your doctor diagnosed you as having PTSD?
How long have you suffered the psychiatric or emotional affects of PTSD?

We've listed some of them here:

Hypervigilance and scanning
Elevated startle response
Blunted affect, psychic numbing
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way)
Interruption of memory and concentration
Depression
Generalized anxiety
Violent eruptions of rage
Substance abuse
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks
Insomnia
Suicidal ideation
Survivor guilt

[Apocalipstic]

Man, I wish I could tell you what's goin on but it's personal and this really isn't the appropriate place to vent it. It's just unbelievable that this crap is happening to me and how it's wrecking my life. I cannot understand (wrap my head around it) at all why I am having to go through this. I just know that it's caused me to have new anxiety and PTSD about it now. I wouldn't wish what I am going through on my worst enemy. Please just pray that the outcome will benefit me in a good way so that I can move on with my life, and take the steps toward making a new life for myself and get my life back on track. Thank you for making this thread available for us all.


So sorry you are having such a difficult time! I hope that things will settle down for you quickly and you can get back to peace and joy.

[Apocalipstic]

Some times I am so frustrated when I can't be the kind of friend I want to be because I have to be careful of my own very fragile mental health.

I think I should give more, do more, be more. My therapist says I need to keep "should'ing" myself, but it is hard to stop.

I wish everyone a safe, peaceful weekend. We are having storms, so I plan to get the basement tornado ready (candles, weather radio) this evening and spend the rest of the weekend reading and meditating.

Peace!

Jen

[Leigh]

I just wanted to come in and say hi to everyone, wishing all of My friends a wonderful weekend :)

[JustBeingMe]

Jet, the answer to your question about being diagnosed by my doctor as having PTSD is YES. I won't go into what all the symptoms are personally for me as it's not something I wish to discuss at the moment. I am trying to limit my sharing of personal information on the internet as it has back-fired on me in the past. I do hope you and all the rest of the folks on this thread understand this. It's not a matter of embarrassment or anything as such, it's more of protection than anything for myself.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I hope everyone is doing well here. Remember it is hump day! :bluesbrothers: :rockband:

[JustBeingMe]

Thanks and same to you as well Andrew, and everyone here on this thread.

[JustBeingMe]

My stress level and anxiety crap has just been pushed over my limit. And I can feel my depression sinking my ass. I gotta go get some antianxiety meds again dammit. I am so sick of dealing with this shit its NOT EVEN FUNNY.

[Apocalipstic]

So sorry about all the anxiety, I totally understand that! I am so thankful for anti anxiety medicine. I call them my fruities :).

I have good days and I have fruitie days.

Know that things will get better and also know that there is no shame in taking medicine. It keeps us going when we just can't otherwise...no shame in that :)

I hope you day gets way better! Hugs!

Hi Andrew!!!!!!

[Andrew, Jr.]

I take medicine for anxiety. There is no shame in that. It helps me tremendously. It is like insulin for a diabetic. Who would deny that to a diabetic? Nobody. So why deny anxiety medicine to someone who is suffering?

I call it common sense. If it helps, do it. Nobody online or in real time can walk in my shoes. It is what I think of as taking care of myself. :boxers:

[Apocalipstic]

I take medicine for anxiety. There is no shame in that. It helps me tremendously. It is like insulin for a diabetic. Who would deny that to a diabetic? Nobody. So why deny anxiety medicine to someone who is suffering?

I call it common sense. If it helps, do it. Nobody online or in real time can walk in my shoes. It is what I think of as taking care of myself. :boxers:


Yet I hear people all the time say that they are afraid of what "people will think" if they take medicine they need.

There is so much stigma around mental illness!

Thank you for sharing! I think it is important that those of us who are proud of how far we have come with the help of medicines need to speak out.

:givingarose:

[Jet]

I just picked up meds today.
My doc was really angry.
I neglected 2 meds for months.
She told me I could get another doc
if I wasn't "going to behave."

RX is important, i'll affirm to stay on course.
of course.

[Andrew, Jr.]

The stigma around mental illness is shamefull. I just don't get it. I mentioned the psa's that Glenn Close did with her sister, and you would have been shocked at the emails I got. You would have thought I was going mad for even mentioning it. People disappointment me each and every day.

The name of the psa's Glenn Close and her family endorse is called BringChange2Mind.Org. Ron Howard directed them.

Psych Week starts on Discovery Health on Sunday, May 2nd.

[Apocalipstic]

Jet, sorry your doc was angry, but glad you are back on track. :)

Andrew, I have not seen them, will check them out. :)

Now a question, do any of you ever have moments when talking to a friend who is crossing your boundaries where you flash back into an earlier time of trauma. Where you get a sort of "this is familiar" rush of anger and pain at the same time?

Where you want to be there for this person, but you KNOW what they are saying is not the entire truth and that though their motives are likely not bad, they are trying to manipulate you into being on their side?

The tone of voice, the words....I have heard them all before....from someone who is dead. The catch in the voice, the tears, the anger.

The burning of my own mind as I wonder how somehow the words "I need a break for my own mental health" are somehow not enough.

Anyone had this happen? How did you handle it? I have therapy this afternoon. Just I wondered is this something that happens to all of us? Are we more susseptible to manipulators?

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yes, I have had that happen. It is strange. The only time it happens is when I am trying to hold a decent conversation with my abuser (my bio-father). He's nuts. He just only knows how to be nasty, and I ignore him. It makes him angry, and then he tries to overpower me with his ignorance. And that triggers it for me. And that is when I walk away.

I limit my time and my effort being with and around my bio-parents. It is a matter of survival for me. However, there are times when I have to be in the same room with them. It can't be avoided. So, I take someone with me for protection. It is a matter of life and death literally. My father can push me over the edge to suicide in a heartbeat, and he knows it. He uses that against me repeatedly.

I also cannot handle it when someone questions my neurological disorders. If I am this or that. UGH! I would love to have them meet me and live with me. Then see how hard life is. This just sends me over the edge into the land of pissy moodness, which I hate.

Recently, I am not sure if anyone picked up on this or not, but I received a negative finding on my mammogram/sonogram. I have to have a workup for breast cancer since both my mother and grandmother had/have the disease. It also doesn't help matters that I had cervical cancer. In filling out endless paperwork I called my bio-mother for her information concerning her breast cancer. She refused to give it to me. She told me that only her husband knows what it is. So the game begins. She refuses to call her oncologist for anything. All I can say about this is that this is just a great example of what it was to grow up in my home. Everything is about my parents, and their selfish needs, wants, and desires. They never should have had children. Never.

Andrew

[Jet]

Hi everyone,

just to let you know, something very difficult is coming up—this will happen fairly soon I think. I'm going to mel's to help her garden her backyard. Plans could change because of weather or any reason.

Both Wal-mart's are out of 2 of my RX to get me through this, but the one near Mel's says they'll get it in and have it in sometime after three tommorrow.

This is going to require some real grounding—meds, not isolating, and understanding the nature of this, and God's help. This is a nightmare, folks. Trust me. I can feel my insides starting to cave, as it did that night, but that will pass. These are old feelings. And if anything would become serious or unmanagable, mel would haul me into the hospital. I don't think that will happen because I've faced so much of this now, and I can anticipate and take medicine as needed.

I'm posting about my experiences of facing my trauma as a matter of record to those of us who suffer from PTSD, but also to let you know that i may or may not be around to post much—i just don't know yet.

Anyway,
everyone take care.
j

[Andrew, Jr.]

Parker,

Can't your doctor give you another drug that will give you some relief? Maybe not a brand name drug, but a generic of the drug you are taking?

[Jet]

Parker,

Can't your doctor give you another drug that will give you some relief? Maybe not a brand name drug, but a generic of the drug you are taking?


No. they are generic. And both Wal-Mart's are out of them, one of them is cogentin which you would think would be common and on hand. The wal-mart near mel's said they would have them ready tomorrow after three.

I don't have a choice because mel lives in a different town outside of atlanta—I told her I would help her. She's coming to get me, and i'm trying to make this easy for her—so, i'll pick them up near her house..my RX is in the nationwide pharmacy, so i can get them filled there.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Parker,

I am saying prayers for you. I hope that all will be well for you.

Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Andrew and Jet,

I am so sorry you are facing these bumps in the road. I know for me a bump is sometimes all it takes to send me to the depths of hell.

Try to do things that calm you and reward yourself for each thng you get through!

I will be thinking about both of you and sending you healing light.

[Jet]

BTW, my thanks to everyone who prays and supports me in this thread. I'm traveling through something very difficult.

As most of you know I am a catholic, (not a good one, mind you...but Catholic just the same.)

IF and when I am included in your prayers (if you wouldn't mind) I would ask you to add to your prayers to GOD, the help of these three saints:

St. Ignatius
St. Benedict
St. Anthony of Padua

There are reasons, and you don't have to be catholic to ask for their help. Just know, they have something that I need.

Thanks everyone,
I 'll be in touch,

j

[JustBeingMe]

I just got back from the mental health clinic in a nearby small town. I can't get in to see the shrink for my anti anxiety meds for about 4 to 6 weeks. I don't live in a large town and can't afford to go far on my income due to some other issues also I am paying for that has cut my throat with my disability funds. So I have to wait until I can get in to see the shrink to see if they will put me back on my ativan cause that's the ONLY drug that helps my anxiety. I thought the woman in the intake interview was gonna call an ambulance by the look on her face when she was talking to me, then she said, Jesus, "Your really stressed out and anxious that's apparent to me I can see it and hear it in your voice and body language."..... I was thinking....DUH !!!!! That's why I am here. Well, I guess I"ll be alright til I can get in, otherwise I don't know what else to do. No doc around here will prescribe me what works cause it's a controlled substance. UGH.

[Apocalipstic]

I just got back from the mental health clinic in a nearby small town. I can't get in to see the shrink for my anti anxiety meds for about 4 to 6 weeks. I don't live in a large town and can't afford to go far on my income due to some other issues also I am paying for that has cut my throat with my disability funds. So I have to wait until I can get in to see the shrink to see if they will put me back on my ativan cause that's the ONLY drug that helps my anxiety. I thought the woman in the intake interview was gonna call an ambulance by the look on her face when she was talking to me, then she said, Jesus, "Your really stressed out and anxious that's apparent to me I can see it and hear it in your voice and body language."..... I was thinking....DUH !!!!! That's why I am here. Well, I guess I"ll be alright til I can get in, otherwise I don't know what else to do. No doc around here will prescribe me what works cause it's a controlled substance. UGH.

Emergency room?

I know this is not a big help, but Benadryl has mild antianxiety properties. 4 to 6 weeks is insane. I am so thankful to live in a large city.

[Jet]

Now a question, do any of you ever have moments when talking to a friend who is crossing your boundaries where you flash back into an earlier time of trauma. Where you get a sort of "this is familiar" rush of anger and pain at the same time?

Where you want to be there for this person, but you KNOW what they are saying is not the entire truth and that though their motives are likely not bad, they are trying to manipulate you into being on their side?

The tone of voice, the words....I have heard them all before....from someone who is dead. The catch in the voice, the tears, the anger.

The burning of my own mind as I wonder how somehow the words "I need a break for my own mental health" are somehow not enough.

Anyone had this happen? How did you handle it? I have therapy this afternoon. Just I wondered is this something that happens to all of us? Are we more susseptible to manipulators?

yes, but if I may.....I'm speculating that two things need to happen, one them is some deep processing through whatever happened to you—extensive therapy, otherwise there will be constant triggers.

Honey, only you can decided on therapy and facing the events in your life, otherwise You'll enever be free and you'll live with constant discomfort and triggers.
I speak from experience—mine, as you know took 17 years, and only because the "Hound from Heaven" tracked me down and said, "no, you cannot commit suicide", yes, you can get through this," and right now, you are imprisoned by fear, dread, unconsionable hurt" and deep seeded pain, but there is hope, I can help you."

I don't want to push God, but what I do believe is that a greater power than you in conjunction with solid therapy, a regimin of self-postives daily, and medicine can help you conquer. There is catch: you HAVE to face your fear of fearing the worst and your imprisonment by the trauma if that's the case.

My prayers go to you as well, Jen

j

[Andrew, Jr.]

The one thing that I think is essential to me is my faith. I go to Church often daily or every other day. It is the time I find to just chat with those who give me comfort. As I have aged, I have found that it is my faith that has just grown stronger over the years. It isn't for everyone. And some just don't get it. That is ok. But for me, it works. I am working on forgiving my bio-parents, but that has just taken its toll on me, and all of my siblings & their respective families. So, with that said, I go and pray. I pray for those who are hurting. I pray for those who suffer from illnesses, or poverty. I also participate in a number of social programs that the Catholic Church endorses like feeding the homeless, or giving out lunches to children for when they go to school, or during the summer months.

[tuffboi29]

Hypervigilance and scanning (yup)
Elevated startle response (yup)
Blunted affect, psychic numbing (not sure what that is)
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) (alot yes)
Interruption of memory and concentration (ye...what was that????)
Depression (yup)
Generalized anxiety (all the time)
Violent eruptions of rage (yup)
Substance abuse (thank Moses not anymore)
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety (and panic and unneccesary fear,yup)
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks (so im not hallucinating??????i still see it???)
Insomnia (alot)
Suicidal ideation (not as much anymore)
Survivor guilt (constantly)



Now if i may ask? What about violent dreams?Acting out physically during those dreams?Confusion and hard to awake and realize it's not real?I was told those are night terrors....someone help please?And please note i am not intending any insult whatsoever....just tired of being terrified and consistantly on gaurd.Any response would be greatly appreciated.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Tuffboi29,

Yes, they are night terrors. I have those. I find myself kicking, hitting, screaming, and the like. Go see a sleep disorder doc. Get a study done. Then from there you will be sent to a therapist. Go. See if you can get relief.

[JustBeingMe]

Yep, those are night terrors as they call them. I have them too. I have night terrors all the time. Sometimes I remember them, sometimes I can't remember most of the event of the dream. I wake up sweating, panicky,breathing hard, chest pounding, and mostly can't get back to sleep cause it's racing in my mind.....WTF just happened is usually one of those things I ask myself .I don't sleep well as it is, insomnia alot, and when I do sleep, I crash and burn hard, and then the night terrors begin, waking me up, and I am exhausted all over again. It's PTSD, anxiety,stress, and depression that triggers a lot of this. I am going through a lot of crap right now and it's just going to take time to get this done and over with. Not knowing the outcome is the hard part as well. Being at home with family where I am not really wanted but can't afford to leave in the first place is a huge stressor on top of all the other stuff. I just wish I could move on with my life, but financially I am being strangled to death paying for something I should not have to, and I can't afford to move at this point. If I could, I would never have gone home in the first place. My family doesn't understand let alone do my siblings care, and mom breathing down my neck daily and calling me names don't help my anxiety and stress and depression and it's adding to my PTSD symptoms too.

[tuffboi29]

In the beginning i sought out this so-called 'help' and was told i had tourrettes(dont know if i spelled it right) because of facial and bodily tics that kept me out of public for years bacause of embarressment of being stared at.Also i was diagnosed a a scitzoefective(i know i didnt spell that right) because of these things i kept seeing.Now recently much to my relief i was told i have neither of those conditions and i wasnt hallucinating.I've been 're-living' all these unmentionable memories over and over while awake and while asleep.But guys...heres the kicker to it all....I did seek further help and made the damn shrink CRY!!!She said she could'nt help me and to go find a different therapist.So now i'm researching on my own and trying to find help anywhere possible.Even going to school for pschycology to study and treat myself.I can also relate to some of you when you say that family doesnt help and heightens the stress levels.Example:4 days ago I had a horrible panic attack that made me puke and had my ma standing over me at the toliet yelling at me to "stop it!!there's nothing wrong with you!!you just need to grow up and face life!!" Needless to say i should have my own apartment next week so i can panic in 'peace' so to speak.OK,so now I'm asking,will you all keep up the comments and suggestions, anything you've learned to lessen or ease these symptoms?I would so love to have a nap....


sinserly,
a confukled boi

[*Magic_and_Silk*]

Yes, I have PTSD. It came from years of horrible abuse from when my kids were young (They are both over 21 now). Last year I had a horrible episode and a person (they know who they are...no names) gave me a meditation that helped so much, I was astounded. I think it helped so much because I WANTED it to.

I have been to counseling.

I have read and cried and felt so alone. It brings tears to my eyes now to see how many other people have had to endure these things in life that were so terrible that it scarred so deeply. We are fragile souls, all of us, even in the midst of being strong.

Having PTSD is difficult, terrifying and so lonely. But, what is worse is knowing that there is no one in your immediate vicinity who will hold you while you cry. THAT is the worst. The thread is like the hug and TLC that I never got when I needed it most.

Thank you, so much, to all of you who have written here. Thank you for your courage and your honesty. When I am more comfortable (I am new here), and I know I won't cause waves, step on toes or be the target of more disdain or anger, I will tell my story.

Until then, Bless you all, EVERY ONE!

:sparklyheart:

[Andrew, Jr.]

Magic and Silk,

I am glad you are here. You are most welcome to post here about whatever you wish too. Just know that this is a public site, and people are people. I take what some say with a grain of salt. You know what is best for you. Just be yourself. You are a gift from God. A treasure. We all know that. Make sure you know that too. :bunchflowers:

My father held a knife to me, and at my throat. I know what physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual violence from a parent is, and the damage it does. I come here getting support. I am responsible to myself, and to help myself heal, and move on with my life. It is like opening up :canoworms:. I have no other way of putting it. Just go with the flow. That is what most of us do.

Best regards,
Andrew and Dino :doghead:

[*Magic_and_Silk*]

Andrew (and Dino),

Thank you for that. It was good advice.

I am always myself, on that you can depend.

[Apocalipstic]

I am amazed by how many of us have the same symptoms.

Yes, I have night terrors. I have had a sleep study and also have sleep apnea, but I was almost waking up 60 times an hour before I got my CPAP. Now as I fall asleep I jerk awake freaking out, or crying or talking to myself quite a bit. The more stressed I am, the more it happens.

I hear things and sometimes see things, but I know they are not real, so they tell me it is part of my PTSD, which mnakes sense considering what I see and hear. Also, I have ticks sometimes and I fall or things fly out of my hands or off shelves around me if I am really really freaked out.

Work has been busy and I kind of fel like my nerves are misfiring today.

I wish you all the best and a peaceful happy evening!

[Andrew, Jr.]

Apocalipstic,

I have sleep apnea too. My level was at 70. I use the nasal pillows. That works best for me. However, when I hit a period of stress I sleep walk, sleep talk, and all of pretty much the same as you.

If I have insomnia I take Ambien. However, I have been known to get in my car and drive. So, I have a dead bolt on my front door - inside out or backwards. That way I can't get outside and hurt myself or others.

I had to stop using my bypap machine because of how violent I am at night. I have been known to throw things, and move the matress off the bed (or vice versa), the sheets are always either on the ceiling fan, on the floor, or somewhere other than my bed. This happens each and every night.

I hope everyone has a good night!

Andrew

[JustBeingMe]

This past month has been horrible to deal with for me. My anxiety is Through the roof, my depression is worse, my PTSD is being triggered out the whazzooo. I can't get in to see the new shrink for 4 to 6 weeks, and I feel like I am having a melt down already. I don't know how much more of this crap I can seriously take, the stress is killing me. I just need what I am going through to be over with already. And no, the ER room around here won't prescribe the meds I need either....so that's outta the question too. I just am hanging in there by a couple of threads left over. I just hope they don't break.

[*Magic_and_Silk*]

This past month has been horrible to deal with for me. My anxiety is Through the roof, my depression is worse, my PTSD is being triggered out the whazzooo. I can't get in to see the new shrink for 4 to 6 weeks, and I feel like I am having a melt down already. I don't know how much more of this crap I can seriously take, the stress is killing me. I just need what I am going through to be over with already. And no, the ER room around here won't prescribe the meds I need either....so that's outta the question too. I just am hanging in there by a couple of threads left over. I just hope they don't break.

Hugs you hard. I know .....I really do.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I am telling you all something, we are like key lime pie. Strong tasting, and all good tasting! Everyone here is always in my thoughts and prayers.

[Apocalipstic]

So sorry yall are having a hard time, my nerves are pretty shot too with the flooding and all.

Hanging in there by a thread with yas.

[Apocalipstic]

It really is almost surreal how similar our symptoms are, and how much the same other people's reactions have been.

I fight crying, with everything I have...but sometimes it just happens, like today when I finally talked to a friend who has been missing since Saturday (in the flood).

Sometimes a kind work really helps. Thank you all for being there!

Love you guys!

[JustBeingMe]

I think my last couple of threads I've been hanging onto have finally broken today. I just can't take no more, I am no longer the resilient child I once was long ago.

[Apocalipstic]

I think my last couple of threads I've been hanging onto have finally broken today. I just can't take no more, I am no longer the resilient child I once was long ago.


Try and relax, sleep if you have to.

Things will get better, they always do.

Sending love and light!

[Andrew, Jr.]

Everyone here is in my constant thoughts and prayers. :harley:

[JustBeingMe]

:nothingtoadd:

[Apocalipstic]

Everyone here is in my constant thoughts and prayers. :harley:


Oh thank you Andrew, you too!

:nothingtoadd:

Hey, at least you are hanging in there, thank you for checking in!

My PTSD is kind of kicked up with the flood and how tense everything is and has been. In addition to helping who I can, my therapist made me promise to do soem things for me. Can't be a long bubble bath though...water is rationed since we lost one water treatment plant.

I am very weepy and feel guilty we were not affected as much as others were.

I love you guys! Have a peaceful weekend.

[PearlsNLace]

Night terrors can be bad for me. When I sleep alone.

It use to be worse, Id wake up under the kitchen table with a knife in my hand, not knowing how I got there, and having to do a body check to find where the blood was comming from.
I have not had that happen in years. It helps that with the exception of below the knees, I feel my body pretty much. Even all the way down to my toes there is significant improvement. I need to remember to be greatful for that next time Im being tickled on the bottoms of my feet. :lol2:

Usually now when I sleep alone, I just wake up all cockamamie position with an annoying mess of blankets and pillows on the floor. Exhausted.

I havent hurt a bed mate in almost a decade. In fact, I sleep better with another body in the bed. I hope to never be single again. But if I do Im getting a large dog with a propensity for hogging the bed, and snuggling.
( I have one of those NOW< but she goes with the guy Im with.> Id rather keep them both hehehe)

I did have a crap load of panic attacks, wich happens sometimes when some new memory fits into place, recently. I was relieved that the attacks pretty much receeded after I took my RN boards. I dont relish the idea of new memories to pop up. Should that happen, im plopping my round arse firmly back into therapy somewhere. And if things dont gel with that therapist, damnit I will continue to look for one that does. I have learned that if Im not showing progress in a couple of months, to change treatment, even it that means change therapists. (with appropriate closure, and communication as to why) This may not be for everybody, this is just my journey.

I have recovery and step work which really has helped me deal with a LOT of my stuff. It has been instrumental in helping me be a survivor, not a victim.
It also helps me deal with my symptoms. Cause I can be pretty hard on myself when I get really symptomatic. I loose patience with my panic attacks, and my flashbacks, and get angry that they are happening.

I dont like to spill this crap out. Im dealing with some body issues right now. And some cold hard fear. I know for a fact that when I loose weight Im scared, its directly related to my trauma. Yet I also want a baby. I need to loose a significant amount of weight to have a healthy pregnancy now that Im in my late 30s. I had a miscarriage at 12, that of course, is part of the trauma too. So, anyway, I wanted to subscribe to this thread cause I get it. Im dealing with it too. So thanks for hearing a bit of my crap. Is kind of good to remember the stuff that WORKS for me. It be great to hear other coping skills. Glad this thread is here.


kinda feeling shy now~ thanks for reading.

[Apocalipstic]

Hey there P&L and welcome!

I have some of the same issues around weight, totally understand!

So glad the achievements you have made are helping with the PTSD. Mine comes and goes depending on what is going on in my life.

Thank you for sharing, you have so much great insight into things that help!

xoxoxo

J

[DamonK]

I have several issues rleated to previous trauma.

I loathe crowds. Although I'm excited, the thought of going to the Reunion makes my blood run cold and makes me want to hide under a table or something. I know my dislike of crowds is associated with lowered self esteem due to...issues in the past, as well as my deafness.

I have horrible nightmares. I've had the same one for almost a year now. No amount of reassurance calms me for the next day afterwards, and I will hear the sounds of the dream for a week.

I used to SI. The last time I did that was a little over a year ago, and for a few hours, that time, it was thought that I'd broken my hand.

I used to be a drug addict. I was a pill popper. My favorite pill was xanax when I could get it. Ritalin was a close second. Either of those combined with pot was awesome.

I used to drink. A lot. I used to go to work drunk. One day I scared myself.


So, sometimes I wonder, with all I've faced, how I came out on the other side? I'm still marked. I'm still scarred. For me, it's the knowledge of all I've survived through. Someone once told me, "You beat impossible odds to become a responsible, caring person."

Maybe I didn't experience the physical abuse. Maybe there was never a mark on my body from what happened to me. I learned to loathe myself. For years, I wouldn't look in a mirror.

Now, I can look in a mirror. And I don't loathe myself any longer.

[Jet]

Hello all,

Just touching base with this journey in progress. The suffering and subsequent PTSD initially occurred from an ordeal that lasted less then three minutes. It was about two days before friends came over and took me to the hospital. The memory and flashbacks of those two days of being highly-traumatized have come back in "sections" so to speak. I'm glad to tell you that everything is out except for one "piece" or section, if you will. It is the piece when trauma was at its peak. When it comes front and center, I believe that 17 years of suffering and leading a "pseudo life" will be over.

I have not known what it is to feel normal or like myself for almost two decades. And that is sad and riveting because as I've aged I hadn't recognized myself. And I didn't because I had done everything to live outside myself, completely denying that what happened didn't happen. With that, I created a sort of co-life for myself as a way to survive and lived on auto pilot ignoring neurological damage, painful shock and extreme fear. Its; the most dangerous thing I could do. And trust me, when I tell you, my psuedo life ran the extremes. I spent 11 years in seclusion, for the most part, and did everything to become straight and feminine, and the person I thought God and everybody expected me to be.

It made me crazy. And the first step was to go back and search for me as I was, as I am created, and as I am innately made. I have crossed rivers and valleys and mountains of guilt, self-punishment, denial, anger and that ungodly, unceasing fear.

Fear, fear, fear.

Again, I fear what's coming next—that brief moment in time when I caved and they rushed me to the hospital. From that moment on, came unconscionable physical suffering in my sternum (shock area), fear and misery. The fear was so bad at one time, it locked my jaws and an oral surgeon has unlock them. there were days I couldn't a coffee cup because of shock not to mention the horrible dry mouth from fear trying to pour out of me a from some level or memory that I had pushed away.

And to think I tried to work at the corporate level for six years? This ordeal ruined my life and took everything from me because I spiraled; I couldn't handle anything outside of my psuedo life, and my life worsened as time went on. I resigned from one job because of the pressure mixed with this condition, and I lost a second corporate job because I fell asleep in staff meetings from being over-medicated. Medication is only about a quarter of what I'm doing do to reclaim my life and myself. I have to face, completely, everything that happened to break the chains of fear.

I ask to ask myself are you a coward? How much more do you want to lose? Is it worth the pain and the unknown you'll face? My family did all they could to help, so did my friends, now it was up to me because this can't be "medicated away". I knew all along it had to be faced, I had to grips with what happened.

So the journey continues with facing that terrible moment when I thought I had ceased to exist—and there was only that abnormal, unnatural fear. I didn't realize that facing my suffering would mean facing all of what happened. But it does in order to get it out of my system. I'm staying meds and walking with God on this. And I hope I have reason to celebrate as victorious soon.

[WingsOnFire]

I have several issues rleated to previous trauma.

I loathe crowds. Although I'm excited, the thought of going to the Reunion makes my blood run cold and makes me want to hide under a table or something. I know my dislike of crowds is associated with lowered self esteem due to...issues in the past, as well as my deafness.

I have horrible nightmares. I've had the same one for almost a year now. No amount of reassurance calms me for the next day afterwards, and I will hear the sounds of the dream for a week.

I used to SI. The last time I did that was a little over a year ago, and for a few hours, that time, it was thought that I'd broken my hand.

I used to be a drug addict. I was a pill popper. My favorite pill was xanax when I could get it. Ritalin was a close second. Either of those combined with pot was awesome.

I used to drink. A lot. I used to go to work drunk. One day I scared myself.


So, sometimes I wonder, with all I've faced, how I came out on the other side? I'm still marked. I'm still scarred. For me, it's the knowledge of all I've survived through. Someone once told me, "You beat impossible odds to become a responsible, caring person."

Maybe I didn't experience the physical abuse. Maybe there was never a mark on my body from what happened to me. I learned to loathe myself. For years, I wouldn't look in a mirror.

Now, I can look in a mirror. And I don't loathe myself any longer.

Your night terrors have become much less pro dominant in the past year. However I know you try to protect me from seeing them so sometimes I dont even know you have had one.

I am so proud of you and I know that you are working hard to work through self loathing. You have no reason to feel that way about yourself but I understand why you do.

I love you fiercely and I am so proud of the progress you have made. I am proud to know that on Monday we will celebrate our first anniversary. I am proud to be loved by such a wonderful and amazing guy.

[Andrew, Jr.]

This afternoon I received a phone call from my bio-mother. I am just shocked, horrified, and all the other words you can lump in there. For the most part I tend to ignore my bio-parents at all costs. I talk to them briefly, and see them maybe once a year (if at all). They have ignored me, and now that they are elderly...it seems that they are needy of me. No. I just cannot do that. It is like for years and years they made a point of it to ignore my birthday, holidays, and everything else going on in my life. And now that they realize that they are knocking the door to the other side - it just dawned on them that they need to fix the damage that they have caused. I say no to that, and walk away. I am just way too bitter.

Yes, I am a forgiving man. I am very forgiving. In fact, I can and have turned the cheek to help them out, drive them to doctor appointments, the grocery store, shopping, and so on. However when they cross the line of belittling me, Rosie, my healthcare issues, and insulting everything about me, no. I have to just draw the line and say no. It's abuse, and I am stopping it dead in it's tracks. That is just nuts. No doubt about it. All I can do is pray for them.

No matter what I do or say, nothing changes with my parents and their behavior. They need to get a grip on life and living honestly. I am so disappointed and let down by them. :soapbox:

[friskyfemme]

This afternoon I received a phone call from my bio-mother. I am just shocked, horrified, and all the other words you can lump in there. For the most part I tend to ignore my bio-parents at all costs. I talk to them briefly, and see them maybe once a year (if at all). They have ignored me, and now that they are elderly...it seems that they are needy of me. No. I just cannot do that. It is like for years and years they made a point of it to ignore my birthday, holidays, and everything else going on in my life. And now that they realize that they are knocking the door to the other side - it just dawned on them that they need to fix the damage that they have caused. I say no to that, and walk away. I am just way too bitter.

Yes, I am a forgiving man. I am very forgiving. In fact, I can and have turned the cheek to help them out, drive them to doctor appointments, the grocery store, shopping, and so on. However when they cross the line of belittling me, Rosie, my healthcare issues, and insulting everything about me, no. I have to just draw the line and say no. It's abuse, and I am stopping it dead in it's tracks. That is just nuts. No doubt about it. All I can do is pray for them.

No matter what I do or say, nothing changes with my parents and their behavior. They need to get a grip on life and living honestly. I am so disappointed and let down by them. :soapbox:

Andrew,
You and I have a similiar situation. As I have said, I grew up with an abusive, narsicistic, authoritarian, alcoholic dad. In his entire lifetime I avoided him and never forgave him. It was the only empowerment I had with him until he died.

Somethings we heal from; others we shield ourselves from to survive. Do that which is better for you.

[Andrew, Jr.]

FF,

I think & believe you are so right. Thank you. Today just he, my father, set me off. Big time. I haven't felt so much rage in such a long time, and it really was strange. I am very very peaceful. I practice peace. I talk of peace. And yet today...I let myself down. I just am not myself because of my father. He finds enjoyment in my rage.

[tuffboi29]

Dear PTSD...(yes i know what thread im on)

.....slowly but steadily im beating you...you WILL go away....i have a new stratigy plan and action goals...and you cant get me in my meditations which i found is a new way to rest myself w-out sleeping...HAHA!!anyways i just thought i'd let you know that im goin to get you....so there!!

sincerely
a not as tired Tuff

[atomiczombie]

Hello all,

Just touching base with this journey in progress. The suffering and subsequent PTSD initially occurred from an ordeal that lasted less then three minutes. It was about two days before friends came over and took me to the hospital. The memory and flashbacks of those two days of being highly-traumatized have come back in "sections" so to speak. I'm glad to tell you that everything is out except for one "piece" or section, if you will. It is the piece when trauma was at its peak. When it comes front and center, I believe that 17 years of suffering and leading a "pseudo life" will be over.

I have not known what it is to feel normal or like myself for almost two decades. And that is sad and riveting because as I've aged I hadn't recognized myself. And I didn't because I had done everything to live outside myself, completely denying that what happened didn't happen. With that, I created a sort of co-life for myself as a way to survive and lived on auto pilot ignoring neurological damage, painful shock and extreme fear. Its; the most dangerous thing I could do. And trust me, when I tell you, my psuedo life ran the extremes. I spent 11 years in seclusion, for the most part, and did everything to become straight and feminine, and the person I thought God and everybody expected me to be.

It made me crazy. And the first step was to go back and search for me as I was, as I am created, and as I am innately made. I have crossed rivers and valleys and mountains of guilt, self-punishment, denial, anger and that ungodly, unceasing fear.

Fear, fear, fear.

Again, I fear what's coming next—that brief moment in time when I caved and they rushed me to the hospital. From that moment on, came unconscionable physical suffering in my sternum (shock area), fear and misery. The fear was so bad at one time, it locked my jaws and an oral surgeon has unlock them. there were days I couldn't a coffee cup because of shock not to mention the horrible dry mouth from fear trying to pour out of me a from some level or memory that I had pushed away.

And to think I tried to work at the corporate level for six years? This ordeal ruined my life and took everything from me because I spiraled; I couldn't handle anything outside of my psuedo life, and my life worsened as time went on. I resigned from one job because of the pressure mixed with this condition, and I lost a second corporate job because I fell asleep in staff meetings from being over-medicated. Medication is only about a quarter of what I'm doing do to reclaim my life and myself. I have to face, completely, everything that happened to break the chains of fear.

I ask to ask myself are you a coward? How much more do you want to lose? Is it worth the pain and the unknown you'll face? My family did all they could to help, so did my friends, now it was up to me because this can't be "medicated away". I knew all along it had to be faced, I had to grips with what happened.

So the journey continues with facing that terrible moment when I thought I had ceased to exist—and there was only that abnormal, unnatural fear. I didn't realize that facing my suffering would mean facing all of what happened. But it does in order to get it out of my system. I'm staying meds and walking with God on this. And I hope I have reason to celebrate as victorious soon.


Hey bud,

I recognize in your story one fundamental fact of my own: the world just doesn't feel like a safe place anymore. My therapist said that to me recently and it hit the nail squarely on the head. How do you get that sense of safety back? That's the trick, especially when your brain is now programmed to stay in that state of hyper vigilance, fight or flight. For me, every emotion I feel turns into anxiety when the feeling is strong. That includes depression, excitement, even joy. It's like the brain is just wired for panic and anxiety.

I guess the way to dig out of that hole is to start with how you feel about yourself. That is what I am working on in therapy and it's very rough going. What is helping me at the moment is that I am starting my journey of my FTM transition. It gives me a goal, and something to look forward to. At least it's a distraction anyway.

Well, I hope anything I have said might be helpful bud, but I don't know. Keep on pluggin', don't give up. :gimmehug:

[Jet]

You have to feel the feelings, otherwise you'll be pent in for the rest of your life. Fight the fear that is associated with being victimized. Don't think about being victimized, think about fighting the fears within as you face the trauma, and chunk by chunk, it will come out.

AS you take meds/if you take meds, know that they are there to keep your head straight and your anxiety level down.. Each time there is a trigger, or something happens, let the fear come out and give it over to God. By all means don't be afraid to feel the feelings.

I had to stop my transition process because of trauma; I didn't fake feeling well with my therapist. I did not want risk agressive behavior (which some guys have) or the responsibilites which come from a life-changing challenges that transitioning would bring for me. I don't want to go through anything that would level me because of an the unstable and unpredictable lapses from PTSD.

I'm very close I think to coming out the other side—however it may even the summer or fall before I complete this process. PTSD is rough. Facing or remembering something to get rid of it is can be rougher—for one thing, I get really pissed that I suffer from trauma. I'm on meds for this, so that I can stay level without issues around PTSD. Considering that I don't how T will affect me, it's best that I stay on course and deal with trauma and the toll it took on my life.

Good luck all
—J

[Andrew, Jr.]

I was talking with a ptsd survivor. Amazing woman, but we all are. To survive and thrive. God bless us all.

[tuffboi29]

Well Ladies and Gents,...



I decided it was time to check in and also check up on ya'll too.For the first time in forever it seems i just may be winning this battle.Therapy is starting to kick in and I'm even thinking of intensifing it by going to more sessions per week.There is a new study out to help lesson the night terrors also that I am currently in the works of persuing(when i get the name of it I'll let you guys know).I still REALLY need to get more sleep but am happy to report that I've gotten my appetitie back (3 meals a day!!wowza!!) and can now sleep for a little longer that 4 hours at a time at night.Before i was only getting 1-3 hours tops and was more comfortable sleeping during the day which i just can't do with my responsibilities.I would like to end by saying this...Keep it up guys...if I can see the light at the end of my tunnel you can too.Lets keep encouraging each other.If I hadn't seen some of the post that I've read on this forum I'm not sure if my courage to combat this terrible thing would have stayed firm.YES!!...it's terrifing!!YES!!...this IS hard!!YES!!there is an end to it and a way to fight back!!...Stay strong and don't let this get the best of you because there are other things in life that deserve it much,much more.

And once again,thank you to everyone who posted even just one sentence.Know that I read it AND IT HELPED.THANK YOU ALL.

[JustBeingMe]

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I won't go into it here because it's deeply personal, but just know it was a HIGHLY TOXIC day, and it's been hugely difficult to go through when this happens, and it's happening alot for me. I can't control anyone elses behaviour but when it affects me like it does, it brings out a part of me that I hate. There are times when I can handle not engaging in it, but there are times when I feel so overwhelmed by all the yelling going on, which sets off my PTSD and Anxiety and Depression, and I just can't take anymore. I know it's situational thing but damn it's totally screwed up havin to deal with it. I just wish my other stuff was overwith so I can move on with my life. Lord help me to be stronger and help me to NOT engage with the Toxic stuff, and help me to remain calm in my times of need.
I went to the clinic yesterday to do blood work and other testing, and finally have an appt to see the new doc on June 1st. I just wish it were sooner so I could be put back on my anxiety meds, cause it works for me well.
Take care everyone, and I hope you all have a wonderful week.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I am in a bad place right now. I am fighting my depression. Sometimes others, for whatever reason, find enjoyment out of edging me on. Do you guys and gals find that to be true?

Today I listed my smilie as this one = :blues: It just describes me best for now.

[Liam]

I am in a bad place right now. I am fighting my depression. Sometimes others, for whatever reason, find enjoyment out of edging me on. Do you guys and gals find that to be true?

Today I listed my smilie as this one = :blues: It just describes me best for now.



I don't know that I would call it edging me on, I do think there are some people, who enjoy being antagonistic toward me.

I'm sorry you are in a bad place right now, Andrew. I hope that changes for you, soon.

[JustBeingMe]

I am in a bad place right now. I am fighting my depression. Sometimes others, for whatever reason, find enjoyment out of edging me on. Do you guys and gals find that to be true?

Today I listed my smilie as this one = :blues: It just describes me best for now.



Unfortunately yes, I have someone in my life that edges me on in a bad way. I am not sure they get actual enjoyment out of it, I think it's just part of the way they are now and how they live life, yelling and screaming, blaming, all that drama stuff that adds to my own depression. It's hurtful but,I cannot control how they behave, I can only try my damndest not to engage; but it happens at times that I get caught up in it so much that it makes my depression much harder to deal with and the thoughts I have that derail my thinking and they go very deeply negative. So if you see me post highly negative, it's because I am having to deal with someone that is toxic to me.
I am sorry your going through that Andrew. Is there anyway you can not include those people in your life? Me, unfortunately right now I can't do that, but hopefully I will be able to do so, soon, and love them from a very far distance.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Liam,

I am talking about in real time, not online. Online I can handle. Does this make sense?

I need to find coping skills for this, Justbeingme. The person is my adopted sister. She has a huge heart of gold, but she can be just a major pain in the ass. Everything revolves around her. Everything. I love her, but she is a princess by all definitions of the word. And she pushes all of my buttons.

Andrew

[Liam]

Liam,

I am talking about in real time, not online. Online I can handle. Does this make sense?

I need to find coping skills for this, Justbeingme. The person is my adopted sister. She has a huge heart of gold, but she can be just a major pain in the ass. Everything revolves around her. Everything. I love her, but she is a princess by all definitions of the word. And she pushes all of my buttons.

Andrew


Sure, Andrew.

[JustBeingMe]

Sorry Andrew. I understand.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I hope everyone is doing ok. Remember it's TGIF!

[PearlsNLace]

I learned this through sobriety, but it really has had a postive impact with dealing with my flashbacks.

I notice that when I get HUNGRY
ANGRY
LONELY
TIRED
I am more susceptable to flashbacks. And panic attacks.

Recently I learned that when Im excited even about GOOD THINGS, I often cannot differentiate between early panic attack vs happy excitement. Crazy? dunno. Its been really oddly helpful to tell my brain - hey things are ok, this is good stuff! and focus on breathing, and then I DONT go spiraling. Cause, well, for me today, life IS good. and I certainly dont want to ruin another moment in my life over :nailbitin: yanno?

[Apocalipstic]

Just checking in to say hi!

It's been a rough time lately, all the flooding here has brought up one of my traumas, which was a flash flood that we were caught in when I was a kid. Our whole city is traumatized. Several members here weer trapped in their homes or ended up in shelters.

I totally get not feeling safe, ever. The hypervigilance.

I take my medicine, go to therapy and a psychiatrist and still it is a long road and I worry my friends, family and co-workers will just give up on me. I feel too empty to add the stress of worrying about other people's stress if that makes sense. Like an empty tube of toothpaste. still trying to make sure all are settled and have places to live after the flood.

Vacation starts tomorrow, I will try to check in, but plan to spend as much time as possible just relaxing!

xoxoxoxoxox

[JustBeingMe]

Have a Great Vacation and yes, relax as much as you can and are able to.

[JustBeingMe]

Yipppieeeeeeeee i got to see the new doc and got some anxiety meds again. Thank God/dess for doctors that don't hesitate writing Rx's for PTSD and anxiety issues. And thank God/dess for the meds too.

[Jet]

The effects of my trauma are nearly over—it came with remembering everything. I went through some very difficult days. I'm still a little skittish with certain things, but I feel I'm about 80% better than I was. Here's wishing everyone better health.

j

[Canela]

I am a total mess right now...the depression is at its peak, I don't want to talk to anyone, much less do any business or work...I want to sleep as much as possible and eating too much ice cream or whatever I can get ahold of...crying has started and I am trying so hard not to let myself be swept away into this but its so hard right now...all I want to do is hide in my bedroom and not see anyone, not my honey especially because I feel I am disappointing hym...my children don't understand they just say, "get over it mom"...and my pets, my babies they are confused...mama usually has it all under control...the trigger? So many things, one after the other after the other as if I had a ball machine just spitting balls at me with no bat to swing at 'em with...

I am praying that this will pass quickly...

Please God help.

[atomiczombie]

The effects of my trauma are nearly over—it came with remembering everything. I went through some very difficult days. I'm still a little skittish with certain things, but I feel I'm about 80% better than I was. Here's wishing everyone better health.

j

AWESOME!!! WOOHOO!!

[atomiczombie]

I am a total mess right now...the depression is at its peak, I don't want to talk to anyone, much less do any business or work...I want to sleep as much as possible and eating too much ice cream or whatever I can get ahold of...crying has started and I am trying so hard not to let myself be swept away into this but its so hard right now...all I want to do is hide in my bedroom and not see anyone, not my honey especially because I feel I am disappointing hym...my children don't understand they just say, "get over it mom"...and my pets, my babies they are confused...mama usually has it all under control...the trigger? So many things, one after the other after the other as if I had a ball machine just spitting balls at me with no bat to swing at 'em with...

I am praying that this will pass quickly...

Please God help.

HUGS to you. LS. Remember you are not alone.

[tuffboi29]

Tuffboi29,

Yes, they are night terrors. I have those. I find myself kicking, hitting, screaming, and the like. Go see a sleep disorder doc. Get a study done. Then from there you will be sent to a therapist. Go. See if you can get relief.




I took your advice and ran with it wholeheardedly.Ive been hacking at this for a little while now and have been properly diagnosed which led to proper treatment.The nights are still rough but I'm sleeping longer.My therapist is pleased with what progress I've made in this seemingly short amount of time.All in all I have a renewed sense of hope.The misdiagnosis I had lived with for years is almost a distant memory and I find myself grateful that I no longer have to live with the shame and fear it brought to my life.For with the label that was tacked so carelessly on me there was no hope or cure.At least now I am learning new coping skills and have hope for the future for if I keep at it...I WILL get better,because now there is the option to.Don't get me wrong I know that this will never fully leave me...but there is a better way to live with it and overcome the fear and 'fight or flight' that plauges me everyday.

Lastly I would like to give my thanks for this thread.I am no longer alone.I have a place to ask for help or simply leave my fears.I find myself coming back in here often just to reread everyones words.I find them a comfort when I can't sleep knowing one of you may be reading the same thing and are...in some way sitting up with me.

[Canela]

Praise God...I feel soooo much better today! Thank you all of you who prayed and who wished me well...I feel like my old self again...the battle is over! Amen!

Here's wishing all of you here a better day too!

[Canela]

HUGS to you. LS. Remember you are not alone.

Thank you so much, Zombie I appreciate your support! You're a sweetheart! God bless you

[Leigh]

(((((((((((((((Shug)))))))))))))))))))) Glad to see your feeling better hun :)

[tuffboi29]

Im having a :blues: kind of moment...


I tried to sleep...Im sure you know how that goes...and now Im here...


I want to sleep but Im :worried: one of those dreams will come back.


I'll try again in 15 minutes.

[JustBeingMe]

:vigil::praying:

[Apocalipstic]

Back from Vacation to lots of drama and sad stuff, but I am OK so far.

I have missed you all and am glad you seem to eb doing better!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

[Canela]

Hello my PTSD brothers and sisters!

Here's wishing you a ton of happiness, smiles, peace, comfort and love. I pray we have an amazing week with little to no trauma, amen?

Love to all!

Shug

:rrose:

[JustBeingMe]

My Ptsd, depression and anxiety are being set off more and more each day. My night terrors are just that, full of bad crap in them. It makes it hard to fall asleep knowing they are more frequent these days. I just wish I could get throught this shit I am going through with support from my friends. I wish I had more friends to talk to on the phone, but sadly I don't. I am very greatful for the short list of 2 that I speak to when I can. I wish I could move on with my life and this shit was done and over with so all my sypmtoms would calm down a bit and leave me to a more peaceful life. Hopefully whatever will happen will be soon, but it's Not going to be soon enough. It's not easy walking in my shoes as of the last few months. I hate what's happening but there isn't much I can do about it except go through the process of the shit that's being done. I can't wait for it to be over with, done, Finito !!
signed,
one stressed out planeteer.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Justbeme,

I wish I could give you some inner peace. I feel your pain. It brings me tears, as it does you. From what you have written, I sense that you and I are quite a like than different. Have you talked to a therapist about your PTSD and anxiety?

The one thing that has helped me tremendously over time is meditation and prayer. It was a gradual process of learning for me. It is about refocusing my energy onto the good. Let me give you an example. I have a sheet of paper that I write down who is sick, who needs what, who is mad at who, and of course wildlife, my pets, and world events. One day I will meditate and find my center of being and be silent. And all of my energy goes into reflecting on that topic. I use white candles to burn, as well as incense. It is cleansing for me.

Another example, I have found that being a caretaker for my dying sister was a wonderful gift. I was first devistated over her death, and still am to a certain degree. But now I am able to really put her life in a place and go on living. Her 2 sons are a tribute to her mothering. And I see that now. Before I never did. Today her husband and 2 sons and I have a different relationship. We are closer, but more understanding and loving towards each other. Make sense?

Life is like waves coming and crashing on a beach. It never stops. It is constantly there. For some it is relaxing. For others it is devistation. Again it's perception. Everyone has a different take on 1 thing. That is why I think prayer and meditation work wonders for me. I highly recommend it.

I wish you peace.

Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

Hi Everyone,

I hope that everyone here is doing well, and staying cool in this heat. :hangloose:

[Jet]

There is an event related to my trauma trapped in my psyche. Feelings of a jolt coming on are getting severe. I guess because it's going to surface soon. It's unavoidable and I'm way passed deep breaths.
My prayer today:
Dear God, thanks so much for so much.

[ravfem]

hey y'all :)

i've read this thread from the beginning, and i have so much to say, i can't stand it! As i was reading i finally started jotting down notes for myself because otherwise i'd have forgotten 90% of what i wanted to say (with the notes, i'll only forget about 30% :cheesy: )

i was told i had PTSD about a year ago. The dr who told me this said so in passing, and nothing else was said about it, so of course i went to my trusted online ally - google. For months, i argued with google results, there was *no* way i could have PTSD! But....i eventually stopped fighting and started just reading and learning and.... ok...i am at a point where i can admit that i may indeed have it. Maybe. ;)

OK...time for the disclaimer, people! What i'm posting are only my opinions, thoughts and ideas. i am just venting, i guess....i've never talked to anyone else who has gone through similar stuff, so i'm all newbie-green with enthusiasm! Please bear with me, this is gonna be a book!

i can so relate to many of you and what you've had to say. i also have lots of the issues on that original checklist posted. Who knows if they come from the PTSD? Maybe some do & some don't, maybe the underlying reasons overlap? For me, one of the ones that stood out most was the blunted affect thing. i've often been told i don't get excited, nothing makes me happy, etc. my therapist told me that when i first started talking about the issues (that i think started the whole PTSD thing) i was very distant and non-emotional about it...very cold in my retelling.

When i was in my mid-twenties (i'm 43 now), i entered therapy for the first time. i knew i was really screwed up and i had a toddler that i desperately did NOT want to screw up, so i decided to get help and learn how not to pass on the generational screwed-upness that has been in my family for gawd only knows how long. (i ended up screwing him up anyway, but that's beside this point)

Through therapy, i learned lots about myself and why i am the way i am. It was the most exhausting, intensely painful thing i've even done and i wouldn't change a thing about the process even if i could (except to maybe have done it earlier). There were sessions that i would leave from feeling as if i'd done 12 hours of manual labor, i was so completely worn out.

Anyway, after ending that therapy, i figured my world was set. i'm sitting here shaking my head at how ignorant i was about myself and life back then. i had no idea that i would still be fighting some of the same battles today.

One of the things i've learned is that for me, this crap is an on-going thing that i will have to deal with for the rest of my life. i can forgive, i can work through things and move on from them, i can confront and put aside stuff. But i will still have to continue facing myself and my issues.

Unfortunately, it is not a case of, "ok, i've dealt with it. i've done all the steps, faced everything and accepted or let go of what i needed to. i feel ok with it, so now it's done. Never have to deal with that again. Yay!" Nope....i may have dealt with a situation or a crisis, but tomorrow is a new day with new stuff.

i lost respect for my mama when i was 13. i discovered that she would not protect me from evil like i assumed she would. In my mid-thirties, i accepted that she was mentally ill. A few years later, i decided i could no longer handle her being a part of my life. It has taken me from that time til about a year ago to make it stick.

The thing that i was hung up on was that this was my mama. She was supposed to love me, protect me, be there for me. And as her child, i was supposed to do the same for her. No matter what. Society says we have an obligation to our parents. That we should respect them, honor them and never turn our backs on them. i have decided, for me, that society is wrong (not only on this matter, but again...beside the point).

What society doesn't account for is when these people...these mere human beings, have their own issues & demons. How can one be a healthy parent if one is not a healthy person? i resented my mama for years for hurting me emotionally. How could she?? Why did she?? What the heck was she thinking???? The answer is....she is/was mentally ill. She was trying desperately and failing wonderfully at trying to deny & ignore her own demons while raising 2 kids, doing what society said she had to do. She was/is miserable, deep down in her soul.

my mama has always been a negative emotional influence on me. i have tried talking to her, going to therapy with her. She has acknowledged her issues. But, she cannot and/or will not do anything about them. So....i had to decide: do i continue to allow myself to be a part of her hell? If so, i had to accept that that would mean i would be making myself miserable and depressed too. If not, then i had to accept that society would shun me.

Which could i more easily live with? Inner hell and torment, or inner peace and safety? Honestly, the decision was not easy. i fought with myself for a long time, waffling back & forth, trying to compromise, setting boundaries with her. But finally i had to face the fact that my emotional and physical well-being suffered immeasurably while she was a part of my life. And so, i did it. The easy way...i wrote her a letter. i justified the letter by telling myself i had had many face-to-face talks with her about this very thing. And that by writing a letter, i could take time to organize my thoughts and feelings, and be sure i didn't forget something. And it would give her something tangible to hold on to, so that she could go back & read it over & over as she asked herself why and processed what was happening. And, well....i really just didn't want yet another, "rhonda, stop being so silly." conversation with her.

It was a great decision, i must say. my quality of life has improved, because now i don't worry about middle of the night phone calls or running to the hospital or her house every time she or a family member called with the latest emergency. i don't have to hear her criticism, her hate, her sob stories.

One of the many questions i kept asking myself during this process was if i could be consistent with my decision? Whatever i decided, i had to be sure i could stick to it....no matter what. i didn't want it to be another situation of, "one more time, mama, and that's it! i can't handle this anymore!" only to be right back in the same place the next time. So, yes, this is a life-long decision. i will not go back. People have asked what if...what if she really does change? what if she gets sick? what if she's at death's door? my answer is: first, i can only say what i hope i'll do, because i haven't been faced with that situation yet. But what i hope i'll do is stick to my decision. Nothing that possibly might happen is worth my emotional health. Nothing. Not even death.

i stopped hating and blaming my mama a long time ago. It did nothing to help me....in fact, it was eating away at my soul. What happened, happened, and it was made far worse because of her decisions. But i finally figured out that it was me who was gonna have to try and fix me, not mama. She can't do a dang thing about it now. So, i chose to accept that it happened and she was a huge part of it, but that was then and this is now. As long as i was holding onto my hate and anger for her and the hurt because of her, i would always be living in it. i would always be having flashbacks and moments full of fear and intense depression because of it.

Today, i practice One Day at a Time. i say practice because it is soooooo something i have to work on. When i can do it successfully, it helps in so many ways, but mostly it helps me maintain some semblance of inner peace.

Inner peace.....utopia. It's what we all want.. it's what we all need. And it's so hard to find, to reach, to hold on to. That is what i want for me and for everyone else...inner peace. One day at a time.

rhonda

[JustBeingMe]

Today, I ask that all of you in this thread continue to pray for me until I get through this stuff I am having to go through. I need a prayer chain started for me. Some of you know what it's about, some of you don't. I honestly just need everyone praying for me to God/Universe/Higher Power, that I get through this and it's over with soon, and that I am vindicated in the end.
My Ptsd, anxiety, and depression are undergoing severe stress right now, and I am being seen by my doctor, but the situation I am dealing with has added to all my symptoms more each day. Until this situation is over with, the doc says I will remain overwhelmed, more depressed (already on meds), and full of anxiety (for which I take meds for now), and the night terrors are more pronounce than ever now.
Thank you all for this thread and for your understanding and love and compassion. I greatly appreciate each and every one of you here.
B.

[friskyfemme]

Today, I ask that all of you in this thread continue to pray for me until I get through this stuff I am having to go through. I need a prayer chain started for me. Some of you know what it's about, some of you don't. I honestly just need everyone praying for me to God/Universe/Higher Power, that I get through this and it's over with soon, and that I am vindicated in the end.
My Ptsd, anxiety, and depression are undergoing severe stress right now, and I am being seen by my doctor, but the situation I am dealing with has added to all my symptoms more each day. Until this situation is over with, the doc says I will remain overwhelmed, more depressed (already on meds), and full of anxiety (for which I take meds for now), and the night terrors are more pronounce than ever now.
Thank you all for this thread and for your understanding and love and compassion. I greatly appreciate each and every one of you here.
B.
Dear JBM,

May Great Spirit wrap you in warm healing energy to strengthen your soul and calm your heart. Remember that breathe is life. When you ar in your terror, remind yourself to breathe. Close your eyes and follow your breathe in then follow it as you exhale. With each breathe let it grow and begin to slow down. My prayers are with you.

[Canela]

hey y'all :)





i stopped hating and blaming my mama a long time ago. It did nothing to help me....in fact, it was eating away at my soul. What happened, happened, and it was made far worse because of her decisions. But i finally figured out that it was me who was gonna have to try and fix me, not mama. She can't do a dang thing about it now. So, i chose to accept that it happened and she was a huge part of it, but that was then and this is now. As long as i was holding onto my hate and anger for her and the hurt because of her, i would always be living in it. i would always be having flashbacks and moments full of fear and intense depression because of it.

Today, i practice One Day at a Time. i say practice because it is soooooo something i have to work on. When i can do it successfully, it helps in so many ways, but mostly it helps me maintain some semblance of inner peace.

Inner peace.....utopia. It's what we all want.. it's what we all need. And it's so hard to find, to reach, to hold on to. That is what i want for me and for everyone else...inner peace. One day at a time.

rhonda

Ravfem;

This is one of the most amazing sharing/testimonies I have ever heard. You are very brave Rav and I would applaud you only when I stop hugging you, my dear.

I had a mama like that too...best thing she ever did for me was leave me with my grandma...I was 4. Now, after all these years, we have finally found a good place where we can be family again, but it was a very long, tiring, trying process...She had to accept her own failings in order to deal with them...some people will live in denial their entire lives. Very sad actually, but I do hope one day your mother is struck with an epiphany and is able to deal with and take responsibility for the things that are hers to own. She is missing out on an amazing woman, daughter and friend in you. That's her loss though.

One day at a time is the best...although there are days when its one minute at a time, one hour at a time, and thankfully one day at a time...

Blessings to you, brave one. We all have to find a way to deal, and it sounds like you're doing it all by yourself just fine. Amen.

Shug

[Jet]

hey y'all :)

i've read this thread from the beginning, and i have so much to say, i can't stand it! As i was reading i finally started jotting down notes for myself because otherwise i'd have forgotten 90% of what i wanted to say (with the notes, i'll only forget about 30% :cheesy: )

i was told i had PTSD about a year ago. The dr who told me this said so in passing, and nothing else was said about it, so of course i went to my trusted online ally - google. For months, i argued with google results, there was *no* way i could have PTSD! But....i eventually stopped fighting and started just reading and learning and.... ok...i am at a point where i can admit that i may indeed have it. Maybe. ;)

OK...time for the disclaimer, people! What i'm posting are only my opinions, thoughts and ideas. i am just venting, i guess....i've never talked to anyone else who has gone through similar stuff, so i'm all newbie-green with enthusiasm! Please bear with me, this is gonna be a book!

i can so relate to many of you and what you've had to say. i also have lots of the issues on that original checklist posted. Who knows if they come from the PTSD? Maybe some do & some don't, maybe the underlying reasons overlap? For me, one of the ones that stood out most was the blunted affect thing. i've often been told i don't get excited, nothing makes me happy, etc. my therapist told me that when i first started talking about the issues (that i think started the whole PTSD thing) i was very distant and non-emotional about it...very cold in my retelling.

When i was in my mid-twenties (i'm 43 now), i entered therapy for the first time. i knew i was really screwed up and i had a toddler that i desperately did NOT want to screw up, so i decided to get help and learn how not to pass on the generational screwed-upness that has been in my family for gawd only knows how long. (i ended up screwing him up anyway, but that's beside this point)

Through therapy, i learned lots about myself and why i am the way i am. It was the most exhausting, intensely painful thing i've even done and i wouldn't change a thing about the process even if i could (except to maybe have done it earlier). There were sessions that i would leave from feeling as if i'd done 12 hours of manual labor, i was so completely worn out.

Anyway, after ending that therapy, i figured my world was set. i'm sitting here shaking my head at how ignorant i was about myself and life back then. i had no idea that i would still be fighting some of the same battles today.

One of the things i've learned is that for me, this crap is an on-going thing that i will have to deal with for the rest of my life. i can forgive, i can work through things and move on from them, i can confront and put aside stuff. But i will still have to continue facing myself and my issues.

Unfortunately, it is not a case of, "ok, i've dealt with it. i've done all the steps, faced everything and accepted or let go of what i needed to. i feel ok with it, so now it's done. Never have to deal with that again. Yay!" Nope....i may have dealt with a situation or a crisis, but tomorrow is a new day with new stuff.

i lost respect for my mama when i was 13. i discovered that she would not protect me from evil like i assumed she would. In my mid-thirties, i accepted that she was mentally ill. A few years later, i decided i could no longer handle her being a part of my life. It has taken me from that time til about a year ago to make it stick.

The thing that i was hung up on was that this was my mama. She was supposed to love me, protect me, be there for me. And as her child, i was supposed to do the same for her. No matter what. Society says we have an obligation to our parents. That we should respect them, honor them and never turn our backs on them. i have decided, for me, that society is wrong (not only on this matter, but again...beside the point).

What society doesn't account for is when these people...these mere human beings, have their own issues & demons. How can one be a healthy parent if one is not a healthy person? i resented my mama for years for hurting me emotionally. How could she?? Why did she?? What the heck was she thinking???? The answer is....she is/was mentally ill. She was trying desperately and failing wonderfully at trying to deny & ignore her own demons while raising 2 kids, doing what society said she had to do. She was/is miserable, deep down in her soul.

my mama has always been a negative emotional influence on me. i have tried talking to her, going to therapy with her. She has acknowledged her issues. But, she cannot and/or will not do anything about them. So....i had to decide: do i continue to allow myself to be a part of her hell? If so, i had to accept that that would mean i would be making myself miserable and depressed too. If not, then i had to accept that society would shun me.

Which could i more easily live with? Inner hell and torment, or inner peace and safety? Honestly, the decision was not easy. i fought with myself for a long time, waffling back & forth, trying to compromise, setting boundaries with her. But finally i had to face the fact that my emotional and physical well-being suffered immeasurably while she was a part of my life. And so, i did it. The easy way...i wrote her a letter. i justified the letter by telling myself i had had many face-to-face talks with her about this very thing. And that by writing a letter, i could take time to organize my thoughts and feelings, and be sure i didn't forget something. And it would give her something tangible to hold on to, so that she could go back & read it over & over as she asked herself why and processed what was happening. And, well....i really just didn't want yet another, "rhonda, stop being so silly." conversation with her.

It was a great decision, i must say. my quality of life has improved, because now i don't worry about middle of the night phone calls or running to the hospital or her house every time she or a family member called with the latest emergency. i don't have to hear her criticism, her hate, her sob stories.

One of the many questions i kept asking myself during this process was if i could be consistent with my decision? Whatever i decided, i had to be sure i could stick to it....no matter what. i didn't want it to be another situation of, "one more time, mama, and that's it! i can't handle this anymore!" only to be right back in the same place the next time. So, yes, this is a life-long decision. i will not go back. People have asked what if...what if she really does change? what if she gets sick? what if she's at death's door? my answer is: first, i can only say what i hope i'll do, because i haven't been faced with that situation yet. But what i hope i'll do is stick to my decision. Nothing that possibly might happen is worth my emotional health. Nothing. Not even death.

i stopped hating and blaming my mama a long time ago. It did nothing to help me....in fact, it was eating away at my soul. What happened, happened, and it was made far worse because of her decisions. But i finally figured out that it was me who was gonna have to try and fix me, not mama. She can't do a dang thing about it now. So, i chose to accept that it happened and she was a huge part of it, but that was then and this is now. As long as i was holding onto my hate and anger for her and the hurt because of her, i would always be living in it. i would always be having flashbacks and moments full of fear and intense depression because of it.

Today, i practice One Day at a Time. i say practice because it is soooooo something i have to work on. When i can do it successfully, it helps in so many ways, but mostly it helps me maintain some semblance of inner peace.

Inner peace.....utopia. It's what we all want.. it's what we all need. And it's so hard to find, to reach, to hold on to. That is what i want for me and for everyone else...inner peace. One day at a time.

rhonda

good luck and peace to you on your journey.
j

[JustBeingMe]

Triggered early this morning !! I am just a mind boggled mess right now. Can't even think right till my mind finds the calm and some peace today. UGH.

[Jesse]

Hi Everyone,

I too have some PTSD issues. I was raised in an extremely abusive environment. The abuser was my mother. She was terribly abusive emotionally, mentally and physically. I left home at 15 and went on my own which was traumatic for me on it's own accord but still felt safer than being at home.

Still I tried for 35 years to "forgive & forget." The forgiveness came, but I'll never forget...and the forgiveness left very quickly because she is still an abuser to this day, mostly emotionally and verbally now. So about 3 months ago, one of my brothers died suddenly and quite unexpectedly and my dear mother once again made everything about her even to the point of verbally bashing my brother to me. That was the final straw for me, and I basically have removed her from my life...period. I changed my phone number, blocked her emails and I am just done with her and her sickness.

I have a counselor that I see a couple of times a month and this ensures that I keep on my path and remember to take good care of me which helps tremendously.

Over the years I have done a lot of inner work and the symptoms of PTSD, though still there, do not run my life anymore. Like someone here mentioned, I still have a hard time in a large crowd like at a concert or something like that, so I simply do not put myself into that situation and stick to smaller groups of people where I can feel safe.

You all have much courage and are encouraging others to take care of themselves, which will enable you as well. Cheers to you all!

Jesse

[Andrew, Jr.]

Hi Tranzman,

Glad you are here with us!

I understand forgiving, but nobody forgets. Nobody. It is apart of your being as it is mine, and everyone's here. It is apart of who we are - like DNA. And it is ok. Really.

I wish you much peace,
Drew

[Jet]

I had a major body flashback that lasted about an hour. Very frightening bacause I felt debilitated and helpless to control it. I've had these twice before. I took a med and just laid quietly until it passed. This happened before more intensely while I was at work one day. This kind of thing is what ruined my life.
I went into the flashback if that makes sense instead of running from it on the inside. Something tells me it won't happen again.

[friskyfemme]

Hi ravfem,
I have snipped some of your post than I personally relate to.
<snip>
My mama has always been a negative emotional influence on me. i have tried talking to her, going to therapy with her. She has acknowledged her issues. But, she cannot and/or will not do anything about them. So....i had to decide: do i continue to allow myself to be a part of her hell? If so, i had to accept that that would mean i would be making myself miserable and depressed too. If not, then i had to accept that society would shun me. <snip>

My Dad was my obvious abuser. He was diagnosed with 'paranoid schizophrenia'. Unfortunately, he never sought help. I came to believe that he used his mental illness and his alcoholism as an excuse to continue to abuse his children and my mom. My Mom on the other hand used her religious beliefs to remain with him. I hated both parents for many years for obviously different reasons-Dad for the physical and emotional abuse and Mom for defending him because he was ill, while we lived in hell. Finally, the Law intervened and they divorced. I totally separated myself from him with my hatred. My Mom did seek help and got somewhat better. I moved out of the house at 18. I had guilt that I left my siblings to fend for themselves. My Dad died in '92 but he was dead to me 20yrs prior. I didn't forgive him for years after his death. I do now have a strong relationship with Mom but that happened very slowly. She is now 82.

What I came to accept...I am only responsible for me. I am at peace with myself and can be there for my family in their crisis without becoming part of it.

Am I 100% nah but I hang in the 90% most of the time. Still I have some unexpected bouts with my past, but I rebound quicker now.

My advice: Love yourself completely...YOU are WORTH IT!

Thank you for sharing here and working on yourself to gain and maintain your peace.

[friskyfemme]

Triggered early this morning !! I am just a mind boggled mess right now. Can't even think right till my mind finds the calm and some peace today. UGH.
Wrapping your in peace and sending you love.

[friskyfemme]

I had a major body flashback that lasted about an hour. Very frightening bacause I felt debilitated and helpless to control it. I've had these twice before. I took a med and just laid quietly until it passed. This happened before more intensely while I was at work one day. This kind of thing is what ruined my life.
I went into the flashback if that makes sense instead of running from it on the inside. Something tells me it won't happen again.
I am indeed happy for you my friend. Sending you love.

[ravfem]

....

What I came to accept...I am only responsible for me. I am at peace with myself and can be there for my family in their crisis without becoming part of it.

.....

hi FF :)

i love when we figure out that we're only responsible for ourselves, i do think it goes a long way towards finding that inner peace.

It's always been hard for me to separate myself emotionally from loved ones issues. my therapist taught me about "not making their problems yours" which i found to be greatly helpful, but it's something i still struggle with. i think it's because of that part of me that wants to "fix" everything for people i care about. i hate seeing someone hurt or angry about something, it always makes me so uncomfortable and so i immediately start trying to figure out ways to fix it for them.

i've found that when, instead of doing that, i am able to just listen and be supportive, i am much better off emotionally.

:nixon:

[AtLast]

JeepSakes..... I am still amazed 54 years later with the depth of my increased startle response from PTSD. Sometimes, when it goes into full-on mode, I feel embarrassed. Done what I can to decrease it, but, such a stubborn buggar it is! I have decided to just accept this part of me as it is. I just explain it to people that matter to me. This does cut my anxiety some.At least now, I do know I won't haul off and smack someone when startled.

[Rockinonahigh]

I often wonder if I have pts...Many things have happend in my life that I had to either take it on the chin or let it eat me alive,usely I stood and met it head on.U would think in meeting a prob head on wount be a prob but in some ways its a diffrent emotional hit than running from it or steping away.I dont have this fight or flight thing hit me so much any more but when I do its usely in the form of needing to get up and do something really physicaly hard to burn the feening away or I have restless days and nights of little to no sleep then some awfull night mares that I would rather not have.I have woken up gasping for air and feeling like I have had something trying to chase,smother and or shut me away in a dark place where there is light around every where but where I am...crazy cause all the ppl/situations who cause these things are no longer hear in any way.Funny thing is when this happends the bed is as neat as can be except for the spot where I sleep.I know dreams are a figmant of mind flashes and arent real but they shure get my attention.

[Apocalipstic]

I think many more people have PTSD than know it, and with two wars going on the numbers will increase every day, no to mention on going abuse, etc.

Sorry I have not been back here in a while, so much going on in my head, it's difficult to sort it all.

AtLast, my startle response is on a hair trigger too, probably always will be. UGH.

Rocking, so sorry you are experiencing this, I have been having sleeping difficulties and crazy dreams too...waking up in a full sweat.

Still working on forgiving myself for my own weakness and working with a therapist with brain spotting getting past some of the traumas that are more body reactions than brain ones...though I know its all connected.

Still finding out more about my childhood and why and how it all happened.

Great posts here, thank you all for sharing!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Love and light!

Jet, congratulations on your breakthrough!

[Jet]

I've had some breakthroughs seeing and remembering what happened. It's like getting it out of my system. What bother me though, is constantly being tired and sleeping a lot. I wonder if this is normal after holding it in so many years.

[Liam]

I've had some breakthroughs seeing and remembering what happened. It's like getting it out of my system. What bother me though, is constantly being tired and sleeping a lot. I wonder if this is normal after holding it in so many years.

I don't think its unusual, to need more rest, when we have been subjected to stress.

[Apocalipstic]

I totally get the needing more rest thing. These traumas are in our bodies as well as in our minds and as they exit our bodies need extra rest to heal.

I could use a nap right now in fact!

[Jet]

I don't know if you have ever experienced this, but since I have started releasing of shock in my system, I'm fatigued. I'm constantly tired and this is the second day that I have gone back to bed about 5 times. it's like I can't keep my eyes open.

I am feeling better and not nearly as affected with trauma (shock) in my system. I just wish i could wake up and not feel so tired. Maybe this makes up for months—years I couldn't sleep.

[Apocalipstic]

I don't know if you have ever experienced this, but since I have started releasing of shock in my system, I'm fatigued. I'm constantly tired and this is the second day that I have gone back to bed about 5 times. it's like I can't keep my eyes open.

I am feeling better and not nearly as affected with trauma (shock) in my system. I just wish i could wake up and not feel so tired. Maybe this makes up for months—years I couldn't sleep.

I totally understand!

Sometimes it helps me to be in the sun, the vitamin D maybe?

You deserve the rest, try an embrace it as somehting you need and deserve! :)