PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Tuff Stuff]

I sleep,just not regular hours.I have learned to recognize the signs in me and that is when I need to be left alone and think it through.This is not going to make much sense to some,but when i'm good,i'm really good..and when i'm bad,i'm really bad.I've lived with it most of my life...doctors couldn't help,most meds did not work.I don't like stress,but if it gets too much,i'll jump in my van and drive...and how far i drive depends on how much stress is in my life.Flashbacks can be troublesome,there are some memories i don't wish to relive...i have a good productive life and i'm mostly a positive person.I know how to deal with my illness...and that is being alone.I do know that is not for everyone,being alone i mean,so i encourage others to seek help if it gets to be too much.

I should not have ended my post with now what?.

[boioboi]

Stress is a huge trigger for me. Stress, feeling out of control, and lack of sleep are often the perfect storm for PTSD triggers. It's less so about the flashbacks and more so about the emotional vomit that'll come up at the shittiest times. Today my anxiety has bee horrid. My emotional support dog got into the trash and ate a bunch of pads (gross!) and although she's still pooping, I'm terrified that she has a stomach blockage and will have to go in for surgery and will die (she's an old pup - 15 years old). I'm angry at myself for forgetting that I left the bathroom door open during our week long vacation and forgot to close it before my spouse and I went out. ...I'm terrified I've killed my baby. ....it's not a good feeling.

[Kätzchen]

I have been requested to start a thread on Trauma survival and recovery.

I looked up symptoms of PTSD as a place to start.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning
Elevated startle response
Blunted affect, psychic numbing
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way)
Interruption of memory and concentration
Depression
Generalized anxiety
Violent eruptions of rage
Substance abuse
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks
Insomnia
Suicidal ideation
Survivor guilt


Thoughts?

I just found your thread tonight, my Sister Femme Friend, and I'm going to spend some time reading it. I was recently diagnosed with a severe case of PTSD, which is scary to me because I've never had PTSD in my life, up until recently. Last fall, I began to have serious anxiety attacks. Sometimes I would be so filled with rage that it would literally leave me blind, staring into a field of stars in my vision and then turn to an expansive field of white nothingness... leaving me numb, paralyzed with fear, choking the air from my lungs. I am hypervigilant, more so now than ever. I worry for my own personal safety more than most people might. I am reduced to tears easily; but at the same time, I also have an uncanny ability to control myself by not taking the bait? If that makes sense at all. I don't sleep well. My rest cycles are impeded by panic attacks that seize me out of nowhere, but usually precipitated by an event of massive emotional upheaval, whereby my feelings and emotions might not come out but more delayed or even stranger to me, I feel affected by bluntness, an numb-like affect. My memory is not as sharp as it once was. I feel like my memory is disrupted, displaced, like it won't come back to me like it used to be; but it's not an overall memory issue. It's like it only affects particular parts of my ability to remember or short term memory disorder? I don't know, but I do see a therapist weekly now, and have been going since last fall.

I have had a rough time of it, the past few weeks, due to stressors I have no control over, right now. I'm moving, after not having moved for nearly 11 years, so I imagine the high anxiety I feel about moving amplifies my PTSD. But I also have other things going down in my life right now that is not so nice and it also amplifies and triggers my case of PTSD.

I am massively affected by survivor's guilt, too. I most likely have some form of depression too, but my therapist hasn't really said if I do or not. But I'm guessing I do.

But seeing my therapist is the best decision I ever made for myself and I'm sticking with therapy until I can better mitigate on my own behalf. I needed help, and I'm glad I reached out for it.

Thanks so much for your forum thread on PTSD, Apocalipstic. :rrose:

[dark_crystal]

I have been requested to start a thread on Trauma survival and recovery.

I looked up symptoms of PTSD as a place to start.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning Y
Elevated startle response Y
Blunted affect, psychic numbing Y
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) Y controlling, N aggressive
Interruption of memory and concentration Y
Depression N
Generalized anxiety Y
Violent eruptions of rage N
Substance abuse Y
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety Y
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks Y
Insomnia Y
Suicidal ideation N
Survivor guilt N


Thoughts?

tomorrow will be my 5th therapy session and we still have not gotten through the whole list of my traumas. I have had PTSD since the 8th grade (homophobic bullying) and since then there has been maternal bullying, mean girl bullying, paternal covert incest, 4 batterers, 2 rapists, 1 road rage assault, two gunpoint robberies, and 1 narcissist fiancee who took me for 15k.

I sought therapy this year due to reemergence of dissociative symptoms following multiple incidents of workplace bullying by a board member and one incident of closed-door illegal electoral coercion by the mayor.

We have not gotten to 3 of the batterers or the covert incest.

[candy_coated_bitch]

I have severe cPTSD and relate to pretty much all the symptoms listed. I have a laundry list of traumas in my life that I'm not comfortable listing here, but my therapist and I are just beginning to scratch the surface. I'm starting to talk about my memories specifically which I have never done before.

My therapist does EMDR, which is supposed to be really good for reintegration of traumatic memories. I've done it once with something smaller than a major trauma to test it out and I found it very helpful. I am hopeful for the first time in my life that I will be able to deal with my traumas.

I've really been struggling lately with sleep and nightmares, dissociation, anxiety attacks, and some major depression due to some family triggers. I'm trying to be gentle with myself.

Solidarity to everyone struggling with PTSD.

[Vincent]

I was Diagnosed with PTSD in Aug 2013 by a welfare worker,after a suicide attempt,a week before coming to the USA to see my GF in LA.
on my return I went to the PTSD clinic here,a specialist unit,I ticked all boxes,I felt I had lost my mind,sadaly my r'ship ended,as travel in that condition was crazy,but I had no idea,I was diagnosed with depression,bipolar or whatever for years and seeing shrinks from 2 years old.
In 2014 I started seeing a specilast in PTSD in Sydney,1 of only 3 in Syd reccomended by Westmead PTSD clinic

Sad as it is,I finally found out, what I had,turns out I have C PTSD from early childhood trauma,my mother a malignant narcissist.
But I finally had an answer on why most my life I had had some crazy behavour,drugs,drinking,fighting only ever with men,was like I couldnt feel pain,anything to escape.

Through my therapist,I learnt CBT,"Cognitive Behavoural Therapy"I also learnt that they really dont know much about CPTSD,they understand PTSD more,CPTSD is still in early discovery.

I learnt the Trauma was in the brain stem the old part of the brain,the Flight or fight and that I needed to learn, to activate the frontal lobes of my brain,through doing things I enjoy,my main thing is music and my dog Scout.

I also moved to a warmer climate and I love gardening and exercise helps as well.

BUT my BIG one,NO FAMILY they trigger me and I now see them all, as an accident of DNA.

If your CPTSD is from a narcissist in the family, usually there is not just one in a family,but several,I'm Irish catholic so theres lots of us,but ive always been an outsider,theres only one way to deal with narcs,"no contact"

Of course its horrible to have this and know it was done to me,"early childhood symptoms are bedwetting and speech impedement,I had both as a child.

But knowledge is power,I dont have r'ships no more,coz I seem to numb out and I get scared and run,I hurt people,I hurt me too,I did love my ex.
So its better to be a bit of a hermit,and be careful who I let in

Sad thing is,I say I trust people,truth is I only trust myself,its all I have ever had,is me.

thanks for this thread,its like a coming out of the closet,no not a closet a cell.

[CherylNYC]

This is an interesting discussion for me. I've had many PTSD symptoms from my earliest memories, but I never self identified as having this disorder. I used to have very obvious symptoms, but I became aware in my early 20s that I was freaking other people out with my 'thousand mile stare', for instance. And my obvious hyper vigilance, among other things. I worked super hard to control all the symptoms that another person might notice because I somehow thought that was the best way for me to move forward and function well.

I left my family early and broke off most contact, devised a plan to make my life work, and I stuck to it. I chose the seemingly most well socialized people I knew and I carefully watched what they did, and how they reacted in all life situations. Then I tried my best to mimic them. It was easy enough to train myself out of some of what I called my 'bad habits', but some behaviors were very well entrenched. Why wouldn't they be? They had saved my life at a time when I was endangered, so it felt/feels alarming to part with them. Like others here, my mother was a narcissist and my family was profoundly disfunctional. I survived several different forms of abuse. When I exploded out into the world as a teenager I had NO IDEA how to act right. Knowing that about myself was precious.

I didn't have many people in my childhood from whom I could model behaviour, so I worked like a dog to learn how to act right as a young adult. It's a LOT harder to get it right as an adult! It's like trying to learn another language. It comes naturally to us as kids, but it's rare to become fluent when you learn late. To this day I continue to look to others to model back to me whether or not I'm running off the rails. I really thought that was how to get 'er done. Even though it's supposed to be an autonomous response, I learned how to short circuit the 'thousand mile stare'. I learned how to talk myself down from anxiety spirals. I now understand that an exclusive behaviour modification approach was/is good for some things, but not so much for others.

Since I'm often making quick and accurate assessments of others in order to determine their suitability/safety for modeling behaviors, I find myself knowing things about them that they've never told me. Sometimes it's way too easy to read them. My closest friend has often found it stunning that I might know so much about people who haven't disclosed their history to me. One day that same very close friend said something to me about "Your PTSD symptoms..." Even though we were speaking on the phone at the time, I actually looked over both shoulders to see who she was talking about! And then it dawned on me that SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME!! She said it so matter-of-factly, like saying 'your calico cat'. Wow. It had never occurred to me to put myself in that category. Of course I had PTSD! How had it never crossed my mind? I can laugh at myself now, but it was an... interesting moment at the time.

I had sought therapy a few times over the years, but never found an effective one. As it happens, I was seeing a therapist when I had that revelatory conversation with my friend about PTSD. I told her about it and the therapist said that, yes, of course I had PTSD. Why had she never mentioned it? Because it was so freaking obvious that she thought it didn't need mentioning!!!

Well, now that that's all settled, I can see my own life in a clearer, more forgiving way. I'm grateful for the passage of time which really does blunt trauma. I still react strangely at times. I still get those symptoms, but everything is easier now that I'm so much further away from the experiences that traumatized me. This is going to stay with me until the end, I think. My life will never be easy the way it is for people without childhood traumas, but I'm in charge of myself and my reactions. I'm so much happier now.

[RockOn]

I really appreciate you posting this about your experiences. Glad you are able to have such a realistic view and able to describe the trama and growth so well.

Today I am able to say, "that was then, this is now" and it helps me a great deal to not get stuck.

Sometimes it is difficult for me to figure out things. I heard the "ding, ding, ding" bell several times as I read your post. Very helpful.

I have not awakened from a night terror in a great long while. I am grateful. :)

Best wishes -

Sincerely,
RockOn

[JustLovelyJenn]

I am going to add myself to the list here and hope that we can have some ongoing conversations. I am desperate for connections and support in this area at the moment.

As many of you know, I have a child with autism who has been the focus of much of my time and energy for many years. She came home last month from 17 months of inpatient psychiatric care. I didn't realize how much the last year before she left had effected me until she came back full time. Now I cant sleep. I panic over everything. I hate to be in spaces that I can not lock. Even the slightest suggestion of an argument has me retreating from an area, and ultimately from a person. It's impacted my relationship, my family life, my work and schooling. I feel like I have lost myself and I spend time every day trying not to break into tears for no apparent reason.

Sadly, the availability of resources where I am at is so limited. I tried counseling while my kiddo was gone, but it wasnt a good fit. There are only a handful of mental health services here that will be covered by my insurace, and because of the work I do, there is someone I know in every office and it makes me feel so uncomfortable going there. I am coming to terms a lot with taking space for my own feelings. I can't take care of others when I am not taking care of myself. This has had me reaching out to find more resources and I have an intake next week at the local domestic violence center.

How do we find resources for support in a rural area? Do any of you know of any online support groups that are good?

[Amulette]

I tend to be a very private person but I feel this is worthy of public discussion. I read in several posts about some of you having Narcissistic mothers. My heart goes out to you, it truly goes out to you. I share that family dynamic as well.

My mother is a Covert Cerebral Narcissist. She is highly intelligent, has psychic abilities and an impeccable facade. All of the dysfunction in our family is very insidious. It looks like one thing when in reality there is something else going on, and that something else is a taboo subject, you never bring it up. Well, being a rebel I did bring it up. I used to say there is so much BS swept under the rug that you can't see across the room. When I did, I became my Mothers enemy. I don't want to go on and on about the what's and how's of that reality. What I do want to share is how it felt.

The were some realities that were true. Meals were on time, our home was clean and pleasantly decorated, my parents worked, and our lives looked pretty much like that of every other family on our block. And then there were the ghosts of the emotional dishonesty and abuse that echoed through our lives.The ghosts were denied, yet kept whispering. Very confusing for an adult let alone for kids. It felt like standing on a tight rope balanced on one foot. You can see the ground but weather or not it is safe to try and step on it is never guaranteed.

People always say I am so calm and peaceful and I am, I'm very Scandinavian in that way. But is also surprises me because that little tight rope walker was always an underlying energy in my being. An anxious little bird. I spent many years following this and that Spiritual teacher, an honest journey but also looking for healing and to understand what was going on.

A few years ago I decided to try a new type of therapy. It's called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR (https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/)) I'm a big fan, partly because I was lucky and had a fabulous counselor. On about the third visit she asked me to go to this website. “Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers” (https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/). She said take a look at it and tell me what you think of it on our next visit.

Curious, I looked at it that night. OMG for the first time in my life the ghosts had a name. My feelings although denied were true. It was like an outline of what went on. What a freaking relief and sad reality all at once. It was a bit like seeing the sun rise for the first time.

Why I like EMDR. Say something happens to you that you are not able to feel and process, what ever that is. The way I see it the feelings become frozen and need a place to be stored. So they lodge in your body somewhere. Kind of like putting food in the freezer for later. For me talk alone does not move and resolve the energy of the event from my body. So while my mind understands what happened, I still don't feel better. EMDR actually allowed me to process, feel and release the events.

I believe that the the left and right brain stimulation produces a theta state of mind which (for me) allows me to relive painful events in an objective way, and often allows me to understand things I was unable to before. It feels safe and I feel curious even when it's intense. I feel like it helped me make real progress and even look forward to doing the work.

"Theta brainwaves correspond to a state of mind associated with dreams and waking dreams, as well as a deep meditative state. Theta brainwaves are slower than the Beta and Alpha activity we normally have in daily life. ... In a Theta state, you tap into the creative and intuitive resources of your mind."

Well, the book will follow. HAHAHAHA Sending love to all of you on this journey.

[Apocalipstic]

I have not been here in forever!

Yes, EMDR seems to really help me process. It is exhausting though, so I can only do a few minutes at a time, on days when I can go on home and don't have to go back to work. I am not sure why.

My PTSD comes and goes. I try to be careful with stress, who I am around and loud noises etc. I've been having difficulty sleeping lately. Even when I take Ambien. I hope that passes soon.

Love to all of you and hope your symptoms are not too bad right now. (f)

[candy_coated_bitch]

I also find EMDR exhausting and can only do it when I am in a more stable frame of mind. Otherwise I run the risk of completely decompensating and dissociating in my session and it's a mess. I think it's a great tool and I do find it helpful but I do not by any means do it constantly.

My heart goes out to everyone struggling right now. I'm having a hard time myself.

TRIGGER WARNING: Childhood sexual abuse, incest, seeing one's abuser

I kinda feel like even trigger warnings can be triggering so I apologize but I need to get this out. Starting as early as three years old (this is my earliest memory of this), I was sexually abused by my uncle. No one in the family knows except my sister. This is a personal decision based on the fact that I think it would cause huge drama in my family and adult life and give me no relief or benefit. So please, I do not want the advice if telling my family. Actually I'm not really here for advice at all but just support.

So, because no one knows about him I force myself to endure seeing him in certain family get togethers. I know he knows I know. I saw him this past 4th of July and had to endure two hugs and being called sweetheart by him.

I've been kind of off my rocker since then. I skipped therapy the past two weeks because I feel like I just can't deal. Not my best decisions but I'm just going day by day here. My symptoms are really bad and I've been super stressed out.

I feel really vulnerable putting this information out there for the public but I feel the folks of this thread will understand and hold space for me.

Thank you for reading.

[easygoingfemme]

t I feel the folks of this thread will understand and hold space for me.

Thank you for reading.

Absolutely holding space for you. And I'm really glad I'll see you in person soon. All the hugs and support.

[Amulette]

I agree that after some sessions of EMDR I am exhausted, out of sorts and feel like I need to sleep for a week. My counselor told me that we finish processing the event during REM sleep. If I'm not able to sleep deeply the week can be a bit of a roller coaster ride.

The exhaustion and feeling ill at ease seems to happen to me after a facing an intense incident. It is especially ruff if the session ends in the middle of processing something big and it is not cleared. It seems to take a week to fully assimilate the energy shifts for me.

Big hugs to you all!

[Kätzchen]

I like that idea of holding space, CCB. I will definitely hold space not only for you, but for myself and other survivors as well.

I've been attending therapy weekly, every Monday night, right after work, for nearly a year now. Some times sessions are super intense, other times not so much, but mostly each session has its own intensity.

I'm actually taking a few weeks off from therapy in August because my therapist is moving on in their doctoral program and her supervisor and other board certified staff have presented a compelling case for me to try EMDR. So when I return to continue therapy in September, I'll be working with a new therapist and committing another stretch of time to work within the framework of EMDR. From what my therapist said, I'll only go two to three time a month -- kind of like go weekly for three weeks, take a week to rest, then resume the same pattern of therapy: On for three weeks, off one week.

I have severe PTSD and on top of it, my introversion is very strong. Too much of any social interaction makes me "run" in the opposite direction. I also do not like being touched or hugged, which closely aligns with prior times in life where unwelcome touch has taken place in my life.

So holding space is exactly the solution that works best for me.

Sending peaceful energy to all,

K.:rrose:

[Witch]

Symptoms of PTSD can include:
Hypervigilance and scanning
Elevated startle response (check)
Blunted affect, psychic numbing (check)
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) (check)
Interruption of memory and concentration(check)
Depression (check)
Violent eruptions of rage (check)
Substance abuse (check)
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety (check)
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks (check)
Insomnia(check)
Suicidal ideation (check)
Survivor guilt
__________________

[Apocalipstic]

Holding space for all of us!

CCB, I hope he is old and dies...I mean, goes into a nursing home soon, then you won't have to see him. The good part about getting older is that for me, those people are not still around! Sending love and space and holding the high watch for you as you process. (f)

Welcome Witch, looks like you found the right place! xoxoxo

Amulette and K - I can only stand EMDR form time to time. Take care of yourselves. Baths, plenty of sleep and lots of water.

K - dearest friend. Best to you in your new EMDR endeavor. It does help blur the edges of the pain. It's difficult at the time, but I can really tell the difference over time. I have also had brain spotting, which is similar but not as difficult to process.

Its a decent week for me. I am not sleeping well, but also not hiding under my desk at loud sounds. I struggle with maybe getting a less stressful job, but think what I do is important.

Sweet calming vibes to all of you! (f):candle::candle:

[JustLovelyJenn]

I did some self care this week that really helped me. I set some boundaries for those around me and I have been working on creating a welcoming space for myself. We had to do some rearranging in our home to make sure that everyone has the spaces they need, but, its helping already... even with the stacked boxes I am trying to sort through I still feel like my space is more of what I need, and my daughter is feeling the same way in her new space.

What do you all do to create safe spaces for yourself? What things help you feel comfortable? What things do you absolutly need for that feeling of security?

[Apocalipstic]

I did some self care this week that really helped me. I set some boundaries for those around me and I have been working on creating a welcoming space for myself. We had to do some rearranging in our home to make sure that everyone has the spaces they need, but, its helping already... even with the stacked boxes I am trying to sort through I still feel like my space is more of what I need, and my daughter is feeling the same way in her new space.

What do you all do to create safe spaces for yourself? What things help you feel comfortable? What things do you absolutly need for that feeling of security?

What a great post! I have to have my own space too! Its weird too, sometimes I have to move things around till I feel safe. I recently moved and have boxes too lol. Its a studio basically 2 large rooms and I had one as living room and one as kitchen/bedroom. I did not feel right in that room...so I (with help) moved my bed into the larger living room and it feels perfect. I have huge windows with lots of trees and it calms me. It is in a huge house built in the 1920s, separated into studios. Nashville has gotten hellishly expensive. Anyway, having people in the house at night, but not in my space, is really helpful. I am not scared that way.

I'm working on getting unpacked. I organized my books last weekend and that gave me a sense of calm too.

Ohhhh, and I have always had a grocery store phobia thing where I get overwhelmed and have to leave. However, something I find is helping is that I do not have to explain to anyone what I bought, and why....and things can go in my bags how I want....and I am less stressed about it.

Even at work, I have my own office and I got floral paintings at a church festival and international gifts from clients to decorate. I had maintenance take out almost all of the overhead lighting. Too much bright light makes me anxious.

I am super glad to hear you are carving out space for you and that your daughter has a mom who understand she needs her own space.

Sending love your way!

J

[homoe]

~~

I've always had a need for my own space to be uncluttered. If things are not in their place I feel disorganized and out of sync. If my bedroom is not in pie order at bedtime, I know I won't be getting a good nights rest.

I attribute this to childhood trauma, which at this point, I'd rather not get into.

[Apocalipstic]

~~

I've always had a need for my own space to be uncluttered. If things are not in their place I feel disorganized and out of sync. If my bedroom is not in pie order at bedtime, I know I won't be getting a good nights rest.

I attribute this to childhood trauma, which at this point, I'd rather not get into.

I like my space fairly uncluttered....unless, someone else is trying to control my space...then, something inside me flips and my area is a disaster. Some sort of inner rebellion going back to childhood too probably.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Thank you all for your kindness and being willing to read my post and hold the space for me I asked for--easygoingfemme, Katzchen, Apocslipstic, Amulette, Jenn. I hope I'm not forgetting anyone!!! Welcome Witch.

Jenn, I'm so glad you're working on creating space that works for you. That's so important. I also need my own safe space that's just mine. I have my own bedroom even though I live with my girlfriend. It works for us.

Partially I do need this because of past trauma and needing to be able to have a space I can control. I use it for my tarot, witchy rituals and spells, journaling, and painting. Also meditating when I get around to it. It's soooo nice to have that space and I'm lucky to have it as well as a partner that understands my need for it and not only respects it but is not offended that I need it.

TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of an abuser

Apocslipstic: unfortunately my uncle is alive and well and will probably not kick the bucket any time soon. I wish he would. But for now I have mostly reconciled to the fact that I will see him at times. It's worth it to guarantee I get to have a relationship with my parents and cousins and their kids.

Anyway. Therapy on Tuesday. I will finally talk about seeing him and stop avoiding it.

[Apocalipstic]

CCB, I like to have my own bedroom too and totally appreciate if my partner is not threatened by this. Sometimes, I even need to sleep alone if I am having a bad night.

Ugh, so sorry your uncle is so young.

Best at therapy!

(f) all!

[dark_crystal]

I had an insight last week about why i always feel so sick with shame and dread the day after family/social/work functions that require extended interpersonal interactions with people who have not made my "safe" list.

I always spend the whole next day ruminating over my behavior and looking for shameful things that i did that might match up with the horrible feeling of having exposed myself.

In the past i have usually been able to identify some comment i made that seems thoughtless in retrospect and then i will connect all of my yucky feelings with that, and just shame myself for whatever i have identified as my own bad behavior.

Earlier this month, though, i spent a day feeling shamed about my behavior at an author event-- but, try as i might, i just could not find anything i had done that justified the shame.

Like, i had not spoken to anyone at all-- i just came in looking beautiful and sat listening respectfully, then waited in line to have my book signed and thanked the author for coming. Then i went home and i did not actually interact with anyone except the author and the lady next to me who asked my favorite of the author's titles. There was nothing at all in my own behavior that i could pin the yucky feelings to.

Last weekend the same thing happened. I had a very intense day at my dad's birthday, with four different traumatizers in the mix, and the next day i felt shame and regret and i still could not identify anything i had done that was at all problematic.

I have figured out that i am not feeling shame and regret, i am feeling exposure and vulnerability, and that these are not connected to my behavior.

Being around unsafe people makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, but i cannot function in the situation with those emotions at the surface, so i seal them up and push them down while the interaction is happening. The next day, when i am safely out of the situation, the feelings come to the surface to be felt and then i assign them a cause from my own behavior because i was raised to blame myself for everything.

[Apocalipstic]

I had an insight last week about why i always feel so sick with shame and dread the day after family/social/work functions that require extended interpersonal interactions with people who have not made my "safe" list.

I always spend the whole next day ruminating over my behavior and looking for shameful things that i did that might match up with the horrible feeling of having exposed myself.

In the past i have usually been able to identify some comment i made that seems thoughtless in retrospect and then i will connect all of my yucky feelings with that, and just shame myself for whatever i have identified as my own bad behavior.

Earlier this month, though, i spent a day feeling shamed about my behavior at an author event-- but, try as i might, i just could not find anything i had done that justified the shame.

Like, i had not spoken to anyone at all-- i just came in looking beautiful and sat listening respectfully, then waited in line to have my book signed and thanked the author for coming. Then i went home and i did not actually interact with anyone except the author and the lady next to me who asked my favorite of the author's titles. There was nothing at all in my own behavior that i could pin the yucky feelings to.

Last weekend the same thing happened. I had a very intense day at my dad's birthday, with four different traumatizers in the mix, and the next day i felt shame and regret and i still could not identify anything i had done that was at all problematic.

I have figured out that i am not feeling shame and regret, i am feeling exposure and vulnerability, and that these are not connected to my behavior.

Being around unsafe people makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, but i cannot function in the situation with those emotions at the surface, so i seal them up and push them down while the interaction is happening. The next day, when i am safely out of the situation, the feelings come to the surface to be felt and then i assign them a cause from my own behavior because i was raised to blame myself for everything.

Oh wow! Great post and processing! I might do something similar to that. I have shame and regret issues too. I know that if I am super attracted to someone, its probably fear, not attraction. Maybe my shame is tied to other things too.

I get it and am so impressed that you have been able to name your feelings. I have such a difficult time with feelings. I do know what they are now, so progress. But still.

[Kätzchen]

Tonight at my therapy counseling session, I met the new therapist who will take over in September. She's a Transgender Woman and she is simply soft-spoken and welcoming and she is able to accommodate my work schedule. So because she isn't available on a couple Saturdays a month, I'll be seeing her three times a month, on Wednesday nights, at a much later time, due to horrific traffic conditions in our metro area. The lesbian therapist I've been seeing for about a year now, was terribly happy that the Transgendered Woman and I hit it off, during our introductory meeting tonight.

Also, we are only going to do one session of EMDR once a month, then use two follow-up appts to process the one EMDR session.

Slowly guided and safe processing is the goal.

Next week is my last session with my year long placement with my therapist. So we plan to use our hour of time wisely and make plans for the transition in September to my new therapist.

I'm feeling hopeful about progress I have made so far, but look forward to expanded healing as time goes by.

[FireSignFemme]

I was dumped by my counselor last week. I'm not getting a substitute because apparently he and his supervisors have decided no further work needs to be done. Or maybe can be done or – I don't know.

[Apocalipstic]

I was dumped by my counselor last week. I'm not getting a substitute because apparently he and his supervisors have decided no further work needs to be done. Or maybe can be done or – I don't know.


Is it publicly funded? I know the President has cut a lot of funding. So angry and sorry for this setback for you. Are there other resources in your area?

[candy_coated_bitch]

I was dumped by my counselor last week. I'm not getting a substitute because apparently he and his supervisors have decided no further work needs to be done. Or maybe can be done or – I don't know.

I'm so sorry. That's really crappy they're not giving you a substitute. That's happened to me before and it sucks. Are you ok? Do you have any other local resources?

[FireSignFemme]

No I'm okay, actually doing well. I wound up in therapy because I began having exaggerated startle response experiences again. This after years and years without them. So I had to go back to see why this seemingly resolved a long time ago issue was cropping back up again, this when I wasn't experiencing any new traumatic events to account for it.

Fortunately I have coverage. However there are low cost, even some no cost options for those in our community who don't. Or do, but have coverage that's so limited, even though they're working they still wind up using some of these same services. Also there are also a lot of resources in our community for people who need support but not formal therapy -12 Step meetings, religious programs, other self help things like that.

Though I've been booted out of counseling I will continue to see a psychiatrist for med management. I can't remember now what they said, I think four times a year, but it might have been every three months. For anxiety and sleep. I never needed meds for either before but without meds I'm still somewhat anxious and sometimes have difficulty sleeping because of all the health things I've been though.

[dark_crystal]

I had an insight last week about why i always feel so sick with shame and dread the day after family/social/work functions that require extended interpersonal interactions with people who have not made my "safe" list.

I always spend the whole next day ruminating over my behavior and looking for shameful things that i did that might match up with the horrible feeling of having exposed myself.

In the past i have usually been able to identify some comment i made that seems thoughtless in retrospect and then i will connect all of my yucky feelings with that, and just shame myself for whatever i have identified as my own bad behavior.

Earlier this month, though, i spent a day feeling shamed about my behavior at an author event-- but, try as i might, i just could not find anything i had done that justified the shame.

Like, i had not spoken to anyone at all-- i just came in looking beautiful and sat listening respectfully, then waited in line to have my book signed and thanked the author for coming. Then i went home and i did not actually interact with anyone except the author and the lady next to me who asked my favorite of the author's titles. There was nothing at all in my own behavior that i could pin the yucky feelings to.

Last weekend the same thing happened. I had a very intense day at my dad's birthday, with four different traumatizers in the mix, and the next day i felt shame and regret and i still could not identify anything i had done that was at all problematic.

I have figured out that i am not feeling shame and regret, i am feeling exposure and vulnerability, and that these are not connected to my behavior.

Being around unsafe people makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, but i cannot function in the situation with those emotions at the surface, so i seal them up and push them down while the interaction is happening. The next day, when i am safely out of the situation, the feelings come to the surface to be felt and then i assign them a cause from my own behavior because i was raised to blame myself for everything.

Here's the rest of the story about my dad's birthday: I could not remember any bad behavior, but i could not remember going to bed, either.

I remembered my sister and i saying goodbye to the last of our cousins and then coming upstairs, where my mom was feeding the kids and my dad.

I remembered we sat down and ate with them and then moved to the couch.

Because i did not remember what happened after that, I convinced myself i must have then gotten blackout drunk and showed my ass, even though i had been extremely vigilant about drinking all day (bc at the last family beach house party my uncle publicly denounced my marriage over lunch and i DID get a little sideways, although not to the blackout or ass-showing level, just designated-driver level.)

I have been waiting two weeks for the lecture i was sure Mr. Jenny had been sitting on about my bad behavior, then...

Last night in the car she started laughing about the whole family falling asleep on the beach house sofa after dinner, how i barely woke up enough to move to the bedroom, and how she tried to wake me up by jiggling my boobs and my sister was like "i don't think that's going to do it."

Then the whole family went to bed!

Everything was just as innocent as could be (except the nonconsensual boob action), but i woke up before dawn the next day just sick with shame, and i laid there for three hours convinced that everyone was mad at me, i was on my way to an intervention and possibly inpatient treatment, and maybe would not be allowed to be around the kids anymore.

[Kätzchen]

PTSD, the gift that keeps in giving.

I'm looking at it as a gift because it is forcing me to take better care of the me inside, to make sure she feels safe.

We never know when it is going to kick in, blindside, trigger.

In the most unexpected moment, we can freeze, "over-react", jump, withdraw.

I can identify with this, Apocalipstic, because growing up in a day to day events of on-going abuse (emotional, physical, sexual etc) and experiencing sets of similar events over my lifetime has placed an incredible burden on me to develop the skills and language and boundaries/barriers to keep this type of abuse from having any place in my life. When I began therapy last year, it was the mass social acceptance on part of the majority of people in America that brought forth the placement of a perpetrator of epic magnitude to be elected to an executive office, that person clearly should not be in, nor should that type of culture be an acceptable culture in our American society, yet it is -- sadly. Once that perpetrator was elected to office, it sent me into massive panic attacks and spiraling into a full blown case of PTSD, which I only learned recently, is classified as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD).



:)

One of the things that most helps me is the love of pets. They never question me, or tell me I should chill or that I am being ridiculous. They love me no matter what.

They know when I am upset. They lick my tears away.

This is absolutely my experience with pets too. For years now, I always wondered by dogs would lie down on top of my feet and schlick my feet to their hearts' content or why my cat Petunia intuitively knows I am cycling through a stressful event that affects me in deep physiological ways (escalated blood pressure, racing heart beats, cold sweat, migraines that impair my eyesight and ability to think, etc). Animals are so incredibly intuitive and they know more about our own physiological events, moreso than we do, I think.



I am finding that there are people and things that trigger me, and to be able to fuction and go to work every day and do the things I need to do to take care of me, I have to avoid many of those things and people.

I want to please everyone, I do. I want everyone to know the truth, my truth, but most people can't handle it...they just look at me aghast if I am so inapropriate as to answer in truth to their prying questions...or they don't believe me, even if they were near and knew all along.

I think when they know they did nothing to help it makes it easier for them to sleep at night if they rewrite history for themselves.

Peace is fixing my vaccume cleaner on a Saturday alone with no loud noises, yelling, pressure. I never expected this.

I appreciate your personal experience which you have articulated in ways that I totally understand because it's nearly the same experience I have. Recently, about two weeks ago or so, my therapist asked why I basically had only a few close friends (of many years) that I could even talk to about such things. I explained to her that many of my close friends, outside my immediate family, never had an inkling of the type of things I have endured over my life time and that even when I gave a glimpse of the types of things I have endured, there were a couple of friends who could not even grasp the magnitude of having to live with acts of abuse or violence committed against me, by members of family or those whom I was in a relationship with in romantic type ways. I told my therapist that at appropriate times, with certain clients in my clientele (hairdressing), that there were times I could share a personal experience with them, so they'd know that I knew what it was like to be violated, abused, etc., and not have any way to extricate myself from them in immediate ways. In some cases, I could remove myself from those prior situations, but growing up, when you're the kid who is being violated, there wasn't a way or remedy to help me be removed from the on-going perpetual emotional, physical or sexual assault committed against me. But I can relate to your experience when you say that ''people look at you aghast as if I am so inappropriate as to answer in truth to their prying questions." My sister-in-law, when I first began to share about the long-held secrets of my immediate family abuses and misrepresentation of who my family is (because they do an awful lot of facework, keeping up their social face, so people won't know about their dreadful secretive, ghastly, behavioral issues which they keep well hidden from public view) could not believe my family was capable of such egregious behavior. In fact, for the longest time, I could tell she would never be able to grasp the depth of abuse I've endured by the types of comments she'd have in response to what I would share with her. The past two years she has demonstrated to me that she better understands what I've been through, but at the same time, in my own opinion, I feel that people who have never endured traumatic experiences of any magnitude have a really hard time understanding how such things can even happen. In my sister-in-laws case, her inability to grasp the level of abuse I've endured was not entirely out of sheer ignorance, but sort of like what some people do when they hear about such things -- turn a blind eye on what they hear or see? I'm grateful that my sister-in-law has the capacity to learn and accept what has happened to me, but as a survivor I can't help but think of all the emotional burdens survivors of abuse carry by not only trying to make sure these types of situations or events of abuse are not kept from public knowledge but also so we can not be held prisoner by the events themselves.

I hate it that as survivors, we end up with more emotional types of labor to endure (sharing our accounts with those in our lives) and yet for all the ways we disclose our lives in support groups or with therapists, perpetrators still never pay the price for what they've done to us.



One more thing.

My therapist told me that predators can tell if a person has a past of abuse and they are drawn to us.

Stay safe. :rrose:

I agree with this, completely, due to my own life long experiences. I recently told my therapist that I feel like there's some invisible target on my back that is some sign to perpetrators, abusers or any type, where they seek us out and are drawn toward us. In fact, I'm grateful for that 'moth to flame' type of effect because once that begins to happen, I can shore up my boundaries to keep people of that type of disturbing mentality and behavioral issues from having any place in my life.

Thanks for all your posts, Apocalipstic…. naming and sharing about experiences helps survivors in so many ways.:bunchflowers:

[FireSignFemme]

I have a difficult time and am very careful about sharing anything about the abuse I've been through with anyone outside of therapy because of the way some of the things I've shared in the past have boomeranged back around to hurt me. For example I once had someone I'd confided in about some of the abuse I experienced as a child later in anger say to me – I wish he (my abuser) had gotten you in the ass! Another time someone I was living with flew into a rage and asked why was I telling them about things that had occurred in my past did I want to provoke them, make them angry, was I trying to get her to kill my abuser? No? Then why was I telling her this shit! She went off about how she was sick and tired of being with women who'd been abused because she felt like she was constantly being punished, made to suffer for someone else's sins. Then she stomped off angry to go who knows where, to do who knows what, only to return late that evening without saying anything. She never explained her behavior and certainly never apologized for her outburst. I felt completely abandoned when she left me to just sort through it, work it out on my own. It also felt like a major mind f**k because she was the one who told me I could tell her anything about my past and she wouldn't shame me, judge me, hold it against me, use it to hurt me like that male partner of mine had. Yet she did.

[Kätzchen]

I have a difficult time and am very careful about sharing anything about the abuse I've been through with anyone outside of therapy because of the way some of the things I've shared in the past have boomeranged back around to hurt me. For example I once had someone I'd confided in about some of the abuse I experienced as a child later in anger say to me – I wish he (my abuser) had gotten you in the ass! Another time someone I was living with flew into a rage and asked why was I telling them about things that had occurred in my past did I want to provoke them, make them angry, was I trying to get her to kill my abuser? No? Then why was I telling her this shit! She went off about how she was sick and tired of being with women who'd been abused because she felt like she was constantly being punished, made to suffer for someone else's sins. Then she stomped off angry to go who knows where, to do who knows what, only to return late that evening without saying anything. She never explained her behavior and certainly never apologized for her outburst. I felt completely abandoned when she left me to just sort through it, work it out on my own. It also felt like a major mind f**k because she was the one who told me I could tell her anything about my past and she wouldn't shame me, judge me, hold it against me, use it to hurt me like that male partner of mine had. Yet she did.

My first butch lesbian partner did the exact same thing, the mind-f*ck thing you describe, where they persuade you to believe that you can tell them anything and they won't use it in controlling ways by shaming you or blame you when you're the victim, etc. I've actually seen that type of control pattern among the abusers who've had access to my life. So, now a days, when I hear someone say something like that, it's like a giant red flag about the person who makes that claim because in my own opinion, based on past experiences, to me? When someone says that? It's like they want you to believe they'd never do that, then they do exactly what they say they won't do, which to me, is like gas-lighting or as you aptly describe it -- the 'mind-f*ck'. They want you to think and believe that they own some modicum or shred of compassion. But, it's never been my experience that any abuser or perpetrator has any ounce of conviction about what they do or say (a form of narcissism, maybe?); like it's their favorite line to parrot, hoping you won't see them for who they really are or catch on to how manipulative they are or their level of secretivity, yanno?

Because to me, that's how abusers are: They are masters of control. It's like a perverse sickness, if you ask me. You mention that your abuser was male; but abusers/perpetrators in my past were both male and/or female.


It hurts, suffering through something like this, what you went through.

I read your other post, where you said you got booted from therapy. Hopefully you will find a competent therapist you can see on a regular basis, outside the quarterly visits you have with your psychiatrist. My insurance at work does not pay a cent toward mental health services at all, so the burden of paying for services to see a therapist is on me. Luckily, my primary physician referred to me a teaching clinic, which is licensed by the Board of Psychology and Practical Medicine Boards. I make a small payment every week, and I'm grateful I can afford the small payment I incur weekly. I also have to pay for parking because they don't have free parking.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you as move forward in your recovery.

--K. :rrose:

[FireSignFemme]

Thanks. I've experienced abuse at the hands of both men and women too. None of it felt good but I found the abuse handed down by women especially painful, more so than what I experienced with men, even when the abuse wasn't as intense. As much work as I've done in therapy over the years I still don't understand, fully get why that is.

[FireSignFemme]

My son and I went out and over breakfast had a good talk. He has the same concerns I do about the apartment J and I looked at but even so thinks I should move if I'm approved. As he pointed out every place has it's pros and cons but we're not talking amenities, interior design, just being picky. We're talking basic safety.

I don't know I don't feel scared being here. I mean I left home for good three days after turning fifteen and compared to the places I stayed back then, oh this is a cake walk, complete and total joy, gun fire and all. However no this is not a place I want any grandchild of mine to ever be exposed to.

I once had a therapist tell me I should ask myself - Is this something I would want for my children, anyone else I love and care about? And if the answer is no then I shouldn't find it acceptable for me either. I should be just as protective of myself as I am of others.

Fact is often times I worry more about the well being, health and safety of strangers than I worry about the well being, health and safety of me. Most of my life I've just felt young and strong and invincible. It's only now in my mid 50's I'm starting to think Hmm... maybe not so much.

And even more depressing it's only going to keep getting worse. Well unless I have much better luck than Ponce de Leon did in finding that fountain of youth. Instead I'm finding out the worst thing about getting older isn't as I thought growing uglier, it's going to be not being able to run faster.

[Apocalipstic]

So, a few weeks ago something happened which triggered my fight or flight, and PTSD symptoms have or are appearing.

Although I know its not my fault, I feel like it is. Like if I had been hyper-vigilant in the first place, I would not be feeling like this now...which, I know, makes zero sense.

I've been to therapy and am going again Wednesday. I burn Palo Santo and Sage and stretch and chill as much as possible. I'm even praying.

Today at work, I actually told a client she was lying to me (she was) and became angry so quickly, I had to walk away. I have worked here 6 years and never actually said that to anyone. I am horrified at myself...though, not in any trouble at work.

I am hyper sensitive and alert and since I am an empath on top of having PTSD, I am have even been feeling people's thoughts even more personally. Yay.....not.

I just am so frustrated. I will think my PTSD is under control, then something happens to trigger me. Do y'all experience this?

Wanted to vent a little, see how everyone is and ask if this seems normal?

Love and light to you!!!

[girl_dee]

So, a few weeks ago something happened which triggered my fight or flight, and PTSD symptoms have or are appearing.

Although I know its not my fault, I feel like it is. Like if I had been hyper-vigilant in the first place, I would not be feeling like this now...which, I know, makes zero sense.

I've been to therapy and am going again Wednesday. I burn Palo Santo and Sage and stretch and chill as much as possible. I'm even praying.

Today at work, I actually told a client she was lying to me (she was) and became angry so quickly, I had to walk away. I have worked here 6 years and never actually said that to anyone. I am horrified at myself...though, not in any trouble at work.

I am hyper sensitive and alert and since I am an empath on top of having PTSD, I am have even been feeling people's thoughts even more personally. Yay.....not.

I just am so frustrated. I will think my PTSD is under control, then something happens to trigger me. Do y'all experience this?

Wanted to vent a little, see how everyone is and ask if this seems normal?

Love and light to you!!!

Hi Doll,

Recently my therapist made a *chronic PTSD* diagnosis on me. It really shocked me because I am apparently uneducated about it. I just always called it old tapes or bad memories surfacing uninvited.

I don’t think we experience the same thing, but I can tell you my anxiety comes out of no where, for no apparent reason. I re-live a feeling that I really don’t want to re-live, but it happens.

Big hugs ((( Apoc ))))

[Apocalipstic]

Hi Doll,

Recently my therapist made a *chronic PTSD* diagnosis on me. It really shocked me because I am apparently uneducated about it. I just always called it old tapes or bad memories surfacing uninvited.

I don’t think we experience the same thing, but I can tell you my anxiety comes out of no where, for no apparent reason. I re-live a feeling that I really don’t want to re-live, but it happens.

Big hugs ((( Apoc ))))

Over and over! I was first diagnosed at 23 and its been with me since (and was before). Things have happened to add to it as well. (w)

I'm sorry that you have PTSD, but glad that you know. Its somehow comforting to know whats wrong.

This most recent episode stemmed from being groped and dismissed by someone in power at my church. It pushed so many buttons for me. I stood up. I told. I wrote and letter to read to him with church leadership and then he did not show up.

Now, he has lost his position, but is still around. I am not really OK. My nerves are just so shot and I am creeped out. I want to punch him in the throat, or run away.

Thank you for the sweet post and the support and for being my friend! xoxo

[candy_coated_bitch]

Apocalipstic, I'm so sorry you went through what you did. It's understandable that it would bring on symptoms. I would be totally off my rocker if that happened to me. That really sucks that you still have to be around him.

I'm proud of you for standing up and telling. That's a big part of healing. Also, it is NOT your fault that it happened or that you are having symptoms crop up. It's only natural.

I hate when there's a lull in symptoms and then BAM! something happens like a slap in the face to bring it all on again. The joys of PTSD--we can learn to cope as best we can but it never really goes away.

My latest is I found out an abusive ex of mine is going to a kink event I am co-hosting Friday night. I have no idea why he would go knowing it's my event other than to be a dick. I had nightmares about him all last night after I found out. I'm trying my best to be prepared and have support people ready and NOT let him ruin my fun but inside I'm still shaking.

Apocalipstic, if you ever need an ear I'm here. Much of what you write resonates with me.

dee, I'm glad you finally have a diagnosis and a name to put to what you were experiencing. That can be really helpful. I know it was for me when I was first diagnosed.

*supportive hugs all around*

[Apocalipstic]

Apocalipstic, I'm so sorry you went through what you did. It's understandable that it would bring on symptoms. I would be totally off my rocker if that happened to me. That really sucks that you still have to be around him.

I'm proud of you for standing up and telling. That's a big part of healing. Also, it is NOT your fault that it happened or that you are having symptoms crop up. It's only natural.

I hate when there's a lull in symptoms and then BAM! something happens like a slap in the face to bring it all on again. The joys of PTSD--we can learn to cope as best we can but it never really goes away.

My latest is I found out an abusive ex of mine is going to a kink event I am co-hosting Friday night. I have no idea why he would go knowing it's my event other than to be a dick. I had nightmares about him all last night after I found out. I'm trying my best to be prepared and have support people ready and NOT let him ruin my fun but inside I'm still shaking.

Apocalipstic, if you ever need an ear I'm here. Much of what you write resonates with me.

dee, I'm glad you finally have a diagnosis and a name to put to what you were experiencing. That can be really helpful. I know it was for me when I was first diagnosed.

*supportive hugs all around*

Thank you CCB! I am going to try church this Sunday and see how it goes. If I can't make myself go, then I may visit some other churches. I have therapy today to discuss more.

That is so freaking rude and over bearing of your ex to come to your kink night. OMG. I would be so freaked out too. I will be sending light and love to you. Is it tomorrow?

I will keep in mind when I need to talk CCB. I super appreciate that.

xoxoxoxox

J

[candy_coated_bitch]

Thank you CCB! I am going to try church this Sunday and see how it goes. If I can't make myself go, then I may visit some other churches. I have therapy today to discuss more.

That is so freaking rude and over bearing of your ex to come to your kink night. OMG. I would be so freaked out too. I will be sending light and love to you. Is it tomorrow?

I will keep in mind when I need to talk CCB. I super appreciate that.

xoxoxoxox

J

I'm glad you have therapy to try and sort out the church situation. I hope it goes ok, no matter which avenue you choose.

Thank you for your words regarding my ex. I think it's super rude to come to my event as well. I can't help but wonder if he has ulterior motives. But he's been told by officials of the dungeon we're holding it at, that he is not to interact with me. I wish he'd just stay away. *sigh

Yes, the event is tomorrow night.

You're welcome about the offer to talk if you need it. I figure we need to support each other!

[Apocalipstic]

I'm glad you have therapy to try and sort out the church situation. I hope it goes ok, no matter which avenue you choose.

Thank you for your words regarding my ex. I think it's super rude to come to my event as well. I can't help but wonder if he has ulterior motives. But he's been told by officials of the dungeon we're holding it at, that he is not to interact with me. I wish he'd just stay away. *sigh

Yes, the event is tomorrow night.

You're welcome about the offer to talk if you need it. I figure we need to support each other!

Thank you! CCB! My therapist thinks I might want to change churches. I'm not really religious and I go to Unity, which is a woo church which focuses on all humanity being ONE and connected, which I believe. Its been so helpful to me since Yvette died. She took me there before she died, so its a connection to her in a way. I think I will try this Sunday and see what happens. If this does not work, there is a Unitarian church close to me, or maybe I just need to go back to Adult Children of Alcoholics? Who knows.

Super creepy to be in dungeon with anyone who has been abusive to you. I would also question motives. Maybe he will behave and not interact, though I think the damage is done just saying he will be there. UGH.

Best to you tonight! Will keep you in my thoughts.

I am exhausted this week from worrying. Are you? (f)

I hope we all have a peaceful Friday! xoxoxoxoxxo

[candy_coated_bitch]

Thank you! CCB! My therapist thinks I might want to change churches. I'm not really religious and I go to Unity, which is a woo church which focuses on all humanity being ONE and connected, which I believe. Its been so helpful to me since Yvette died. She took me there before she died, so its a connection to her in a way. I think I will try this Sunday and see what happens. If this does not work, there is a Unitarian church close to me, or maybe I just need to go back to Adult Children of Alcoholics? Who knows.

Super creepy to be in dungeon with anyone who has been abusive to you. I would also question motives. Maybe he will behave and not interact, though I think the damage is done just saying he will be there. UGH.

Best to you tonight! Will keep you in my thoughts.

I am exhausted this week from worrying. Are you? (f)

I hope we all have a peaceful Friday! xoxoxoxoxxo

Good luck with church!!! I was wondering if you might think about changing. I think do whatever you need to do. Obviously. But let me know what you decide and how it goes and all that. I kinda hope you get to stay at your current church because it seems to mean a lot to you, but please don't do it at the expense of your sanity.

Yes, seeing one's abuser in a dungeon is REALLY a scary thought I can tell you from experience. I thought about not going. I'm going to go though to not him win. I don't think I'm going to do my scene as planned though. He's totally destroyed my tough, Domme energy. Which makes me feel like shit. I'm eating myself up.

I am so exhausted from this week I went back to bed and slept till one today lol.

I will keep you in my thoughts this weekend as well.

[Apocalipstic]

Good luck with church!!! I was wondering if you might think about changing. I think do whatever you need to do. Obviously. But let me know what you decide and how it goes and all that. I kinda hope you get to stay at your current church because it seems to mean a lot to you, but please don't do it at the expense of your sanity.

Yes, seeing one's abuser in a dungeon is REALLY a scary thought I can tell you from experience. I thought about not going. I'm going to go though to not him win. I don't think I'm going to do my scene as planned though. He's totally destroyed my tough, Domme energy. Which makes me feel like shit. I'm eating myself up.

I am so exhausted from this week I went back to bed and slept till one today lol.

I will keep you in my thoughts this weekend as well.


Hey CCB! Stopping by to see how it went last night. Thought about you all evening. I totally understand about eating ones self up and how exhausting it is.

I am planning on church tomorrow. A friend who has not been in a while is going to sit with me, she is nervous too. So I will be excited to see her! The church does mean a lot to me, but if I am hysterically crying when I leave, I will need to rethink.

I hope you are well and get some rest today. xoxoxoxxo (f)(f)(f)(f)(f)(f)

[candy_coated_bitch]

Hey CCB! Stopping by to see how it went last night. Thought about you all evening. I totally understand about eating ones self up and how exhausting it is.

I am planning on church tomorrow. A friend who has not been in a while is going to sit with me, she is nervous too. So I will be excited to see her! The church does mean a lot to me, but if I am hysterically crying when I leave, I will need to rethink.

I hope you are well and get some rest today. xoxoxoxxo (f)(f)(f)(f)(f)(f)

I did go to the dungeon last night. It turned out great! The way the dungeon is set up there's two separate lounges with the main play space between them. I stayed in the middle lounge and he was smart enough to stay in the back. If I needed food or drink I had a submissive fetch it for me because the kitchen is back there too.

I didn't do my scene as originally planned but I had fun just cuddling and hanging out with my new play partner, and we had a group playing kinky Jenga at one point. I just ignored him and did my own thing and it worked out. I got into a "fuck him" mindset and I felt protected by my friends.

I'm glad you have a friend to sit with you in church. I hope it goes ok!!! Yes, if you come out of church crying hysterically it is definitely not worth it. You have to feel safe even if it, sadly, means removing yourself from that church. I will be thinking of you too and sending you good energies for tomorrow!

[dark_crystal]

My eating disorder has been active the last couple of weeks. I had a couple of doctor appointments and i did not follow the protocol of turning my back to the scale while getting weighed.

(i know there is an ED thread but my ED is how my PTSD likes to manifest)

The number was far higher than i could handle. Since then i have been tempted daily to download the calorie counting app to my phone and "get the situation under control."

Also i didn't have a secretary for almost 2 months, so i was having to do my own catering orders, and the process of polling everyone for their box lunch preferences was too much, bc i hate talking about food with people. When it came time to proof the final order i came very close to just not doing it and approving it w/o looking. I forced myself to check it finally and there was an error on my boss's order.

ALSO we had a "benefits fair" at work when wellness-type vendors can come and set up booths. I could not read the sign on a table and approached too close and the vendor started trying to sell me weight-loss coaching and low-calorie snack bars, even though the dress i was wearing was showing all the bones in my decolletage. I left the building.

Anyway, yesterday morning i could not stand it and finally weighed myself and the number was my very favorite number.

Now Mr. Jenny is worried about THAT, and immediately cooked pancakes for breakfast-- and although I feel better, i still want to download the calorie counter app.

Also i am not looking forward to therapy on Thursday, as my therapist has already recommended a month in outpatient treatment-- and refusing that along with my continued refusal to take SSRIs is making me seem difficult.

Its the ED that won't let me take SSRIs. Even if they didn't cause weight gain, they cause constipation and that is super-triggering. I convinced the Dr. to just let me have Ativans instead, for rescue when situations get bad, but i won't take those either bc of the constipation. I've had the same bottle of 30 pills since April.

[candy_coated_bitch]

(((((dark_crystal/)))) What you're going through sounds really difficult. Lots of triggery things around. I can understand why things would be aggravated right now. I don't have a lot of ED experience so I don't have a lot of advice, just a sympathetic ear.

Would the outpatient program be ED specific? I've done outpatient mental health programs and have found them helpful, fwiw.

I'm sorry your therapy feels like a stressor rather than helpful.

[dark_crystal]

(((((dark_crystal/)))) What you're going through sounds really difficult. Lots of triggery things around. I can understand why things would be aggravated right now. I don't have a lot of ED experience so I don't have a lot of advice, just a sympathetic ear.

Would the outpatient program be ED specific? I've done outpatient mental health programs and have found them helpful, fwiw.

I'm sorry your therapy feels like a stressor rather than helpful.

Thanks, CCB <3

The program she recommended was not for ED, she said i would be doing intense work on boundaries?

I just...i went to inpatient when i was 17 and it was hugely disruptive and not terribly beneficial. Times have changed since 1987, and outpatient would not have quite that same level of disruption, but it would have some.

Also there is the other whole project of me trying to change jobs. That is also a strong recommendation bc I get re-traumatized every month just by attending Board Meeting.

I do have a month's worth of sick days that i could spend on outpatient, but if i don't use them i will get them back in cash if i leave. That extra cash is what is going to make it possible for me to survive the massive pay cut that is looking pretty inevitable.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Thanks, CCB <3

The program she recommended was not for ED, she said i would be doing intense work on boundaries?

I just...i went to inpatient when i was 17 and it was hugely disruptive and not terribly beneficial. Times have changed since 1987, and outpatient would not have quite that same level of disruption, but it would have some.

Also there is the other whole project of me trying to change jobs. That is also a strong recommendation bc I get re-traumatized every month just by attending Board Meeting.

I do have a month's worth of sick days that i could spend on outpatient, but if i don't use them i will get them back in cash if i leave. That extra cash is what is going to make it possible for me to survive the massive pay cut that is looking pretty inevitable.

The program your therapist recommended was probably similar to outpatient stints I've done. I've had some wonderful experiences and while I went in grumpy and skeptical, I learned a lot of good coping skills. Including boundary setting.

I do understand your reluctance to go though. It DOES disrupt your whole life for a while and is s huge commitment. Also can be hit or miss with how you vibe with the program. The money is also a for real concern.

Just make whatever decisions are right for you. I'm sorry you get re-traumatized by going into the monthly board meetings. Not a good job environment. I wish you all the success in finding something new that doesn't trigger you!!

*hugs if welcomed*

[Apocalipstic]

I did go to the dungeon last night. It turned out great! The way the dungeon is set up there's two separate lounges with the main play space between them. I stayed in the middle lounge and he was smart enough to stay in the back. If I needed food or drink I had a submissive fetch it for me because the kitchen is back there too.

I didn't do my scene as originally planned but I had fun just cuddling and hanging out with my new play partner, and we had a group playing kinky Jenga at one point. I just ignored him and did my own thing and it worked out. I got into a "fuck him" mindset and I felt protected by my friends.

I'm glad you have a friend to sit with you in church. I hope it goes ok!!! Yes, if you come out of church crying hysterically it is definitely not worth it. You have to feel safe even if it, sadly, means removing yourself from that church. I will be thinking of you too and sending you good energies for tomorrow!

I could not bring myself to go....But, good news. I think he has been asked to leave the church and has gone. I sure hope so!

So glad you are OK and Dungeon went well!

[Apocalipstic]

My eating disorder has been active the last couple of weeks. I had a couple of doctor appointments and i did not follow the protocol of turning my back to the scale while getting weighed.

(i know there is an ED thread but my ED is how my PTSD likes to manifest)

The number was far higher than i could handle. Since then i have been tempted daily to download the calorie counting app to my phone and "get the situation under control."

Also i didn't have a secretary for almost 2 months, so i was having to do my own catering orders, and the process of polling everyone for their box lunch preferences was too much, bc i hate talking about food with people. When it came time to proof the final order i came very close to just not doing it and approving it w/o looking. I forced myself to check it finally and there was an error on my boss's order.

ALSO we had a "benefits fair" at work when wellness-type vendors can come and set up booths. I could not read the sign on a table and approached too close and the vendor started trying to sell me weight-loss coaching and low-calorie snack bars, even though the dress i was wearing was showing all the bones in my decolletage. I left the building.

Anyway, yesterday morning i could not stand it and finally weighed myself and the number was my very favorite number.

Now Mr. Jenny is worried about THAT, and immediately cooked pancakes for breakfast-- and although I feel better, i still want to download the calorie counter app.

Also i am not looking forward to therapy on Thursday, as my therapist has already recommended a month in outpatient treatment-- and refusing that along with my continued refusal to take SSRIs is making me seem difficult.

Its the ED that won't let me take SSRIs. Even if they didn't cause weight gain, they cause constipation and that is super-triggering. I convinced the Dr. to just let me have Ativans instead, for rescue when situations get bad, but i won't take those either bc of the constipation. I've had the same bottle of 30 pills since April.

I am so sorry you are going through this. While my eating problems lie on the opposite end of the spectrum, I can relate. It is especially difficult when one's PTSD is continuously triggered at work.

I have tried at different times to do inpatient and outpatient, but for whatever reason, no matter how crazed I felt, including psychotic breaks, I did not give that appearance to the people in charge of who gets help. And insurance....

:rrose::rrose::rrose:Sending light and love your way, I hope things calm for you.

Sending love and light your way!!

[candy_coated_bitch]

I could not bring myself to go....But, good news. I think he has been asked to leave the church and has gone. I sure hope so!

So glad you are OK and Dungeon went well!

I will be sooooo glad if that guy leaves the church!!!! He needs to after what he did. Keep us posted. Sorry you didn't make it this week but it's totally understandable.

I am at my therapist's about to do some EMDR on a REALLY traumatic memory and I'm nervous. I feel strong today but it's still gonna be hard and draining. I will let you all k ow how it goes.

[candy_coated_bitch]

I did my EMDR yesterday. I'm feeling exhausted and a little unsteady, which is normal. My therapist said I might be up and down for a couple days before I notice some positive effects of the EMDR. I've only done it once before this and I found that to be the case.

I'm trying to ground and use visualizations if my safe place to get through. It's helping. I'm going to do some painting as well. That session was fucking INTENSE. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm still tired. But. I get to see my baby niece today and I'm staying overnight so I will get lots of soothing girl time.

[Apocalipstic]

I did my EMDR yesterday. I'm feeling exhausted and a little unsteady, which is normal. My therapist said I might be up and down for a couple days before I notice some positive effects of the EMDR. I've only done it once before this and I found that to be the case.

I'm trying to ground and use visualizations if my safe place to get through. It's helping. I'm going to do some painting as well. That session was fucking INTENSE. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm still tired. But. I get to see my baby niece today and I'm staying overnight so I will get lots of soothing girl time.

I have found EMDR very helpful, but yes, it does take everything out of me. I have to schedule it at the end of the day. Over time though, when I look back at the traumas I have had EMDR around, I can really tell that my memories are more smoothed out and blurred at the edges. Brain spotting is also very helpful. Have you had that? Its more for if you don't know what exactly is activating your PTSD. EMDR seems more event specific. I have found them both really useful.

I am glad that you went and I hope this gives you the relief you need. (f) I am so thankful for these therapies that can help us function in the world.

Therapist has something new to try next time I go. I used to have this anger inside I could call on when I needed it. and its just gone now. Then dud groped me, I froze and my throat closed up. What the Hell? I used to be tough as nails and now I freaking freeze. Where is that girl? Where is Helga the Prison Guard? (my former nickname at work by my employees) I don't know where she is. We are going to try to find her. :)

From what I have been told, groper man is not longer at church and they are supposed to have a meeting after church this Sunday to discuss changes in personnel. So I plan to go and see what happens. I have good support I can sit with. I really hope I can get back to it being a safe place for me.

OK, and on the subject of safe places...it just seems daunting and impossible to remove PTSD trigger occurrences. As well as I try to be.

Anyways, love to all of you! (f)(f)(f)(f)(f)

[Kätzchen]

Tonight, I had my first session of EMDR with my transgendered therapist. It was so intense that I was yelling and experiencing a wide range of emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, rage - in some cases). I feel safe with my new therapist, but that is largely due to working on lots of other issues with my previous therapist, over the past year.

I had a very rough day today at work, so my therapy session was timely.

I don't really have any expectations for the end result of utilizing EMDR. I just know if the few sessions we have scheduled will bring about some sort of desired result, then I will count it as success. The good news, is that we only do EMDR once a month, because it's very exhausting work.

I feel wiped out, tonight.

Thanks for holding space for me, as I continue the process of achieving some level of healing in my life.

Appreciatively, ~ K.

[Apocalipstic]

Tonight, I had my first session of EMDR with my transgendered therapist. It was so intense that I was yelling and experiencing a wide range of emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, rage - in some cases). I feel safe with my new therapist, but that is largely due to working on lots of other issues with my previous therapist, over the past year.

I had a very rough day today at work, so my therapy session was timely.

I don't really have any expectations for the end result of utilizing EMDR. I just know if the few sessions we have scheduled will bring about some sort of desired result, then I will count it as success. The good news, is that we only do EMDR once a month, because it's very exhausting work.

I feel wiped out, tonight.

Thanks for holding space for me, as I continue the process of achieving some level of healing in my life.

Appreciatively, ~ K.

I am so glad you have a therapist you trust!

Over the years I have found EMDR very helpful, but it is intense and takes everything out of you. At first, I was not sure it helped, but over time I can tell that the traumas we have worked on blur in my memory. I still know they are there, but they do not hurt me like they did.

I am so proud of you for doing this work and hope it brings the results you need.

Love to you!!!

[candy_coated_bitch]

I have found EMDR very helpful, but yes, it does take everything out of me. I have to schedule it at the end of the day. Over time though, when I look back at the traumas I have had EMDR around, I can really tell that my memories are more smoothed out and blurred at the edges. Brain spotting is also very helpful. Have you had that? Its more for if you don't know what exactly is activating your PTSD. EMDR seems more event specific. I have found them both really useful.

I am glad that you went and I hope this gives you the relief you need. (f) I am so thankful for these therapies that can help us function in the world.

Therapist has something new to try next time I go. I used to have this anger inside I could call on when I needed it. and its just gone now. Then dud groped me, I froze and my throat closed up. What the Hell? I used to be tough as nails and now I freaking freeze. Where is that girl? Where is Helga the Prison Guard? (my former nickname at work by my employees) I don't know where she is. We are going to try to find her. :)

From what I have been told, groper man is not longer at church and they are supposed to have a meeting after church this Sunday to discuss changes in personnel. So I plan to go and see what happens. I have good support I can sit with. I really hope I can get back to it being a safe place for me.

OK, and on the subject of safe places...it just seems daunting and impossible to remove PTSD trigger occurrences. As well as I try to be.

Anyways, love to all of you! (f)(f)(f)(f)(f)

Yeah, I'm still feeling beat from the EMDR. I was supposed to go to the dungeon tonight but I cancelled because I need to be in my own environment. Just quiet. I still feel like I need rest. The nights have been difficult with not a lot of sleep but my mood is generally ok. A little anxiety and the exhaustion but otherwise good.

Last time I did EMDR I did find it ultimately helpful.

I've never heard of brain spotting. I'm glad your therapist has something new that should help you get through this tough incident. I hate losing my anger and fire because of a trigger. I hope you get it back!!

And yes, thank Goddess for these therapist's that help us navigate the world. I really like and trust mine.

I'm so glad that asshole is leaving your church. And that there will be a meeting and that you have good support for it. Sounds like your church is taking this whole thing seriously which gives me heart.

Hope the meeting goes well. Love back to you!!!!

Tonight, I had my first session of EMDR with my transgendered therapist. It was so intense that I was yelling and experiencing a wide range of emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, rage - in some cases). I feel safe with my new therapist, but that is largely due to working on lots of other issues with my previous therapist, over the past year.

I had a very rough day today at work, so my therapy session was timely.

I don't really have any expectations for the end result of utilizing EMDR. I just know if the few sessions we have scheduled will bring about some sort of desired result, then I will count it as success. The good news, is that we only do EMDR once a month, because it's very exhausting work.

I feel wiped out, tonight.

Thanks for holding space for me, as I continue the process of achieving some level of healing in my life.

Appreciatively, ~ K.

Yes, I found my session of EMDR very intense as well. Lots of feelings came up for me and I'm still drained, like I said.

I'm glad you have a therapist you can trust to do this work with. I probably will not be doing EMDR every week either because it really is that intense.

Big sisterly femme hugs!

Oh! I wanted to mention I got a lot of emotions kind of "stuck," that I couldn't get out. Like, I really wanted a good crying jag but nothing would come out. So I'm working on a painting of my adult self with my child self in my safe space. It's going really well.

[Apocalipstic]

This morning I was going to church, I was happy groper man would not be there. I was getting ready and something said....don't. I don't know if I can go back. UGH. I thought I had found a supportive home. I'm sad. And while I know I had nothing to do with groper's behavior, I feel ashamed and guilty. Well, Groper is back there. I am so glad I did not go today, that I listened to my gut.
Church has always failed me, but I thought maybe this one would be good for me. I may look for another, IDK. Maybe Unitarian.
I am exhausted from being so hyper alert.
Rambling.
Kinda lost. Vaca starts Weds for long weekend. Yay.

[Apocalipstic]

Just for today, I will breathe calmly and steadily.
Just for today, I will get up and get a glass of water, when I start to feel anxious.
Just for today, I will do everything I can to make tomorrow a calm day too.

Love and :praying::praying::praying:

Jenny

[candy_coated_bitch]

This morning I was going to church, I was happy groper man would not be there. I was getting ready and something said....don't. I don't know if I can go back. UGH. I thought I had found a supportive home. I'm sad. And while I know I had nothing to do with groper's behavior, I feel ashamed and guilty. Well, Groper is back there. I am so glad I did not go today, that I listened to my gut.
Church has always failed me, but I thought maybe this one would be good for me. I may look for another, IDK. Maybe Unitarian.
I am exhausted from being so hyper alert.
Rambling.
Kinda lost. Vaca starts Weds for long weekend. Yay.

I'm soooo glad you listened to your instincts and didn't go. Sometimes we really do know what's best for us. If the Groper Man is back at your church it is not the church for you. I'm sorry church has always failed you. That's sad.

And NO you did nothing wrong. But I understand how those feelings of guilt and shame crop up. I'm so sorry you're exhausted and feeling lost, too. Glad you have a vacation coming up!!! May you have some good times to take your mind off.

Just for today, I will breathe calmly and steadily.
Just for today, I will get up and get a glass of water, when I start to feel anxious.
Just for today, I will do everything I can to make tomorrow a calm day too.

Love and :praying::praying::praying:

Jenny

I will do this too. I have been out of my anxiety meds over the weekend so I'm kinda losing my shit here. Deep breaths. I have the means to get them this afternoon. Other than that, I will do for myself what I can. Breathing and water are so basic yet we often forget them. <3

[Apocalipstic]

I will do this too. I have been out of my anxiety meds over the weekend so I'm kinda losing my shit here. Deep breaths. I have the means to get them this afternoon. Other than that, I will do for myself what I can. Breathing and water are so basic yet we often forget them. <3

I hope you get your meds this afternoon. Its so difficult to be out. I know that feeling!

I often forget to breathe too when I am upset or triggered and to drink water...

The other night I was so anxious and a friend suggested I take a bubble bath. I only have a shower, so I showered and scrubbed with salt and lavender. I felt so much better after. I think I am going to make this a part of my routine at least once a week.

May today be peaceful CCB! xoxoxo

[candy_coated_bitch]

I hope you get your meds this afternoon. Its so difficult to be out. I know that feeling!

I often forget to breathe too when I am upset or triggered and to drink water...

The other night I was so anxious and a friend suggested I take a bubble bath. I only have a shower, so I showered and scrubbed with salt and lavender. I felt so much better after. I think I am going to make this a part of my routine at least once a week.

May today be peaceful CCB! xoxoxo

I finally am home after errands and have my anxiety meds in me. I'm doing a lot better. I am remember to breathe and have some sage incense going.

I had a similar shower experience yesterday. I usually rush through them only when I need to because I find them incredibly triggering. But I recently decided to take back that space and redecorated and got some nice shower products. I took a shower for the first time I can remember in forever because I wanted the nice experience and not because I had to. I put music on and took my time with a nice exfoliating apricot soap and fancy shampoo and conditioner I treated myself to at the salon. I took my time and resisted the urge to just rush through the experience. It felt really good to take care of my body. I am definitely making a point of doing that more. :)

I hope you are having a peaceful day, too, ((((Apoc))))

[Esme nha Maire]

I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx

[Apocalipstic]

I finally am home after errands and have my anxiety meds in me. I'm doing a lot better. I am remember to breathe and have some sage incense going.

I had a similar shower experience yesterday. I usually rush through them only when I need to because I find them incredibly triggering. But I recently decided to take back that space and redecorated and got some nice shower products. I took a shower for the first time I can remember in forever because I wanted the nice experience and not because I had to. I put music on and took my time with a nice exfoliating apricot soap and fancy shampoo and conditioner I treated myself to at the salon. I took my time and resisted the urge to just rush through the experience. It felt really good to take care of my body. I am definitely making a point of doing that more. :)

I hope you are having a peaceful day, too, ((((Apoc))))

What a great plan for taking back the shower! I think I will add music next time too :)

Maybe that's the key, to sometimes take back some of the things we fear. Maybe we even take them back with cute stuff we love. Hmmmmmm. something to think on.

Glad you got anxiety meds. I get anxious if I am low on them sometimes.

[Apocalipstic]

I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx

Esme, you are a sweet darlink! Thank you so much for your support! xoxoxoxo :rrose::rrose::rrose:

[candy_coated_bitch]

I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx

Thank you for the support. ((((Esme)))))

What a great plan for taking back the shower! I think I will add music next time too :)

Maybe that's the key, to sometimes take back some of the things we fear. Maybe we even take them back with cute stuff we love. Hmmmmmm. something to think on.

Glad you got anxiety meds. I get anxious if I am low on them sometimes.

**TRIGGER WARNING** Talk of medication and reference to childhood sexual abuse.




Yes, having the meds is as important as the other stuff. Sometimes i forget they even work because I have so much residual anxiety, but then I run out and I realize.

I took another shower with music today before therapy. It wasn't quite as good as Sunday's, because I felt I "had" to shower but it also wasn't triggering the way pre-bathroom-takeback showers were.

I redid the bathroom because I realized the tile in the shower was the EXACT same color as the tile in the bathroom I was systematically abused in as a child. I found I couldn't stop staring at the tile and having intrusive memories and flashbacks. I even picked out a shower curtain that matched the tile. I don't know why it took me so long to realize...

Anyway. I threw away that damn shower curtain and ordered a beautiful mermaid one, mermaid decals for the inside of the shower, bright blue beautiful towels that perfectly match the mermaid's hair, and an over the toilet storage unit. I also want to get some nice candles when I can. It made SUCH a difference to my life to reclaim that space.

I was avoiding showers, cleaning the bathroom, even using it. Id hold it until the last possible second. It was no way to live. It hasn't been magic but it, along with my work in therapy, has made a huge difference.

I had a good therapy session today and feel like I am doing good trauma work. I didn't do EMDR but did a very successful visualization. I like the way my therapist is letting me take the lead right now but is also a really good support.

[dark_crystal]

I had a choice of an EMDR therapist or a CBT one and i went with the one i had heard of.

I like my CBT therapist and i want to keep seeing her but i need her to lay off on me changing jobs.

She feels like my acceptance of homophobia at my job is a symptom of my trauma, but i kind of feel like her viewpoint is a little straight-privileged.

Like there are not enough non-homophobic jobs for every queer person to have one, I'm sorry. Homophobic workplaces are a daily reality for tons of us. I need her to help me live with that in a damage-controlled way. I do not need the victim-blaming that says my staying at my job is part of my illness.

Like, there are only 22 jobs in my field in the entire state. Only 16 of them are local to me. Only five of those are within sight of my level of experience, and all five of those would require pay cuts of 25-30%

Like, i am looking! I look every day! But it could be years before there is an appropriate opening for which i am the best candidate.

That is not me participating in my own trauma, that is me trying not to waste the very expensive education i am still paying for while existing in fucking Texas

[Kätzchen]

I dunno. I saw my new therapist tonight; second time I've seen my therapist (she's transgendered). I felt like we were quietly crossing swords, for lack of a better description. I don't like it when I feel like I'm having to 'cross swords' with anyone. I usually shut down. And I did. I feel pretty quiet tonight, but I will go next week, then take a couple of weeks off. I'm not quite sold on the idea of EMDR. One session, plus today's follow-up session of regular therapy is not exactly enough of an idea to know it's gonna help.

But I want to follow through with the commitment I've committed to for the next 12 weeks. I'll see if I can fairly assess if it's making a difference (in a positive direction) and if not, then I will discontinue this type of therapeutic treatment.

<<<<<<<<-- terribly tired tonight, emotionally exhausted. One shouldn't have to defend their self in therapy, is what I'm mulling over. :(

[MrSunshine]

I dunno. I saw my new therapist tonight; second time I've seen my therapist (she's transgendered). I felt like we were quietly crossing swords, for lack of a better description. I don't like it when I feel like I'm having to 'cross swords' with anyone. I usually shut down. And I did. I feel pretty quiet tonight, but I will go next week, then take a couple of weeks off. I'm not quite sold on the idea of EMDR. One session, plus today's follow-up session of regular therapy is not exactly enough of an idea to know it's gonna help.

But I want to follow through with the commitment I've committed to for the next 12 weeks. I'll see if I can fairly assess if it's making a difference (in a positive direction) and if not, then I will discontinue this type of therapeutic treatment.

<<<<<<<<-- terribly tired tonight, emotionally exhausted. One shouldn't have to defend their self in therapy, is what I'm mulling over. :(

You are absolutely right Katzchen! They should be there for you and listen/direct. You most definitely should not feel like you have to defend anything in therapy. I
I hope it turns around for you and if not just keep stepping. Apologies for the lack of dots over your “a”. (Umlaut)

[Apocalipstic]

EMDR helps the parts of our minds and bodies that can't speak....that don't have words. These parts of us where hurt just as much or more than our language centers. My our minds shut out, our bodies still remember.

I feel that a therapist should be there to support and not cross swords with us. They can make suggestions, like a new job...but only we know what works for us. Do not feel intimidated to change therapists if one is not working. Something I have done is make a list of issues and handed it to therapist to read, when I am too nervous to communicate well.

It my most recent therapy we decided to get back to the EMDR to try to get to the basis of my freezing and my throat closing up when groped by freak man at church. I need to be able to protect myself when bad things happen. I used to be, but PTSD and trauma are progressive diseases.
Like I don't know where exactly this comes from.

Anyway, I will report back on how it goes.

On a positive note, vacation really helped. I got away from work, the news and church. I am much more positive and less triggered. I am dedicated to taking little vacations along to way for my mental health (and fun).

Love to all! xoxoxoxoxxo :praying:

[Apocalipstic]

I wanted to say that I am not pushing for EMDR, Brain Spotting, or anything else. Just sharing that they have worked for me.

For me, they have blurred the edges of my trauma so when I remember, the impact is not so great for me. I can certainly see where in the wrong hands it might be hurtful.

I recommend carefully researching any therapist, psychologist, Psychiatrist or even regular doctor. Its important.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :glasses:

[candy_coated_bitch]

Yeah, it's whatever works for you personally. If you're having problems with your therapist please don't hesitate to either bring it up with them or shop around. I've fired a number of therapists in my past. I now have one I love.

EMDR also works really well for me. It brings certain memories from being super intrusive and distressing to kind of digestable.

I had a very distressing week with my cPTSD. I woke up to hearing something at the front door. I immediately jumped out of bed in a panic. One of the running tapes in my mind is someone breaking into my apartment and assaulting me and/or killing me. I think about it almost every night. It's crazy. Anyway, in that moment my worst fears felt like they were coming true. I have no idea what I heard, but it doesn't matter it totally set me off. I've been barely sleeping, having to take extra Valium due to uncontrollable anxiety, and having nightmares and flashbacks. I hate how something like a sound at the front door can set me back so far.

I had therapy yesterday, which did help. I wasn't prepared to do EMDR around the traumas that brought me to that reaction, but I will get there. It was a supportive and constructive conversation though. I'm so glad I have a great therapist.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling. I appreciate the support of this thread so much. And I offer everyone my love and support and hope for better times.

[dark_crystal]

Family reunion today. I'm already triggered and on half a Xanax. Even if nobody gets around to hate speech or microaggression today, it's just excruciating being in a room containing the entire leadership of the Montgomery county Tea Party and a bunch of people who refused to attend my wedding.

One cousin, the youngest, represented my mom's family at my wedding (aside from my mom). Way back in 1997 he asked to do something inappropriate to me, though, so i am not exactly hoping he'll be there.

My therapist would say i should not go. But my mom is kind of trapped in her house unless me or my sister can help her with dad.

Dad is probably winding up a microaggression for the car ride, though, as he is unhappy about me taking Mr. Jenny's name recently. He found out about it last week and i know he has been stewing, unless his dementia ate the information, which is not something to hope for, but still.

Mr. Jenny is out of town, so i will have to drive with my dad riding shotgun. Hopefully he will nap and not talk.

[dark_crystal]

I had an insight last week about why i always feel so sick with shame and dread the day after family/social/work functions that require extended interpersonal interactions with people who have not made my "safe" list.

I always spend the whole next day ruminating over my behavior and looking for shameful things that i did that might match up with the horrible feeling of having exposed myself.

In the past i have usually been able to identify some comment i made that seems thoughtless in retrospect and then i will connect all of my yucky feelings with that, and just shame myself for whatever i have identified as my own bad behavior.

Earlier this month, though, i spent a day feeling shamed about my behavior at an author event-- but, try as i might, i just could not find anything i had done that justified the shame.

Like, i had not spoken to anyone at all-- i just came in looking beautiful and sat listening respectfully, then waited in line to have my book signed and thanked the author for coming. Then i went home and i did not actually interact with anyone except the author and the lady next to me who asked my favorite of the author's titles. There was nothing at all in my own behavior that i could pin the yucky feelings to.

Last weekend the same thing happened. I had a very intense day at my dad's birthday, with four different traumatizers in the mix, and the next day i felt shame and regret and i still could not identify anything i had done that was at all problematic.

I have figured out that i am not feeling shame and regret, i am feeling exposure and vulnerability, and that these are not connected to my behavior.

Being around unsafe people makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, but i cannot function in the situation with those emotions at the surface, so i seal them up and push them down while the interaction is happening. The next day, when i am safely out of the situation, the feelings come to the surface to be felt and then i assign them a cause from my own behavior because i was raised to blame myself for everything.

OMG YOU GUYS

i found out yesterday that this is a real thing called a "vulnerability hangover" and Brene Brown covers it in a TED talk (https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en)

i did not watch the TED Talk lol this is not a weekend for breakthroughs this is a weekend for armoring up

[candy_coated_bitch]

OMG YOU GUYS

i found out yesterday that this is a real thing called a "vulnerability hangover" and Brene Brown covers it in a TED talk (https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en)

i did not watch the TED Talk lol this is not a weekend for breakthroughs this is a weekend for armoring up

I haven't listened yet, but just that term. I totally relate!!!

I hope your family thing went as smoothly as possible. <3 *hugs*

[Apocalipstic]

How was family thing DC? I hope you are OK!

Going to listen to that TED talk this week. Thank you! (f)

[dark_crystal]

Thanks for asking, you guys. The family thing was fine-- Dad didn't mention the name thing and when i walked up on my aunt doing Tea Party voter outreach to my cousin, i interrupted it :superfunny:

Actually it was kind of fortuitous because my Aunt was ranting about illegal electioneering on the part of the school superintendent and i broke in with MY story about my Mayor trying to coerce ME into doing the same thing.

She really enjoyed that dirt (i emphasized the closed door and offer of protection ) and who knows, she might tell her friends, and one of her friends was on that same Mayor's City Council, [I]from the opposing party (and a very scary person just generally but whatevs).

SO maybe i just played two of my traumatizers against each other

:devil:

[dark_crystal]

my Aunt was ranting about illegal electioneering on the part of the school superintendent and i broke in with MY story about my Mayor trying to coerce ME into doing the same thing.

She really enjoyed that dirt (i emphasized the closed door and offer of protection [i've posted about this before, right?])

I see that i have lol. Sorry to keep harping on it but NOTHING HAPPENED TO HIM

I sought therapy this year due to reemergence of dissociative symptoms following multiple incidents of workplace bullying by a board member and one incident of closed-door illegal electoral coercion by the mayor.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Thanks for asking, you guys. The family thing was fine-- Dad didn't mention the name thing and when i walked up on my aunt doing Tea Party voter outreach to my cousin, i interrupted it :superfunny:

Actually it was kind of fortuitous because my Aunt was ranting about illegal electioneering on the part of the school superintendent and i broke in with MY story about my Mayor trying to coerce ME into doing the same thing.

She really enjoyed that dirt (i emphasized the closed door and offer of protection ) and who knows, she might tell her friends, and one of her friends was on that same Mayor's City Council, [I]from the opposing party (and a very scary person just generally but whatevs).

SO maybe i just played two of my traumatizers against each other

:devil:

I'm glad the family thing went ok. Playing two of your traumatizers against each other sounds potentially fun lol.

I'm waiting on my therapist right now. I've been having nightmares ever since I heard that noise at my front door in the middle of the night and I can't stay asleep to save my life. I am so exhausted. I did do a piece of art having to do with a little piece of the trauma related to why that was so triggering but I forgot to bring it with me today.

I might do EMDR today but I'm not 100% sold on it yet.

[dark_crystal]

i have therapy this morning for the first time in two weeks and i did not do any of my homework (log cognitive distortions, list 5 good things that happened each day)

We will have a lot to talk about though bc i applied for a job three hours out of town. SHE will be thrilled but i feel all kinds of conflicted over it.

It's good bc there will be no homophobia and it's exactly the same pay at exactly the right level for me to step into at a big system. The best possible position i could hope for, really. Most librarians would be over the moon.

I just feel it's not right to relocate with our parents as ill as they are. Except my sister is planning to. And it is only 3 hours away.

i'm like, hoping not to be called :(

[candy_coated_bitch]

I have therapy today too. I might do EMDR if I'm feeling strong enough. I'm going out with a friend after so that should be good.

d_c, I kinda hope you do get a call lol. But I understand being hesitant to relocate, especially your ill parents. But it sounds like a great opportunity. I hope you are able to sort some of this stuff in therapy.

I'll keep you guys posted about my session, especially if we do EMDR.

[Apocalipstic]

Sending love and light to you as you do EMDR and wait for job news!

I did EMDR yesterday at therapist. Melted my brain. But I was able to remember some things I think will help in my quest to get better. I was so very tired after, but I talked to friends who love me and laughed a lot, which I think really helped.

I love that we have this place to share.

[Sparkle]

Have any of you tried Somatic Therapy?

I had a therapist, ever so briefly, that specialized in Somatic technique. But she relocated back to Brooklyn and my life got too busy to find another.

I think there are similarities with EMDR (which i struggled with.)

Intellectually, somatic resonated with me because it’s about regulating and finding balance and a steady natural fluctuation between our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. That makes so much sense. The part I find harder to explain/describe is the technique they use to address individual traumatic events that have created unhealthy biofeedback loops (PTSD.) I had one truly amazing session that rewrote a day of trauma so simply and effectively - ans I can’t stop thinking about it.

[Apocalipstic]

Have any of you tried Somatic Therapy?

I had a therapist, ever so briefly, that specialized in Somatic technique. But she relocated back to Brooklyn and my life got too busy to find another.

I think there are similarities with EMDR (which i struggled with.)

Intellectually, somatic resonated with me because it’s about regulating and finding balance and a steady natural fluctuation between our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. That makes so much sense. The part I find harder to explain/describe is the technique they use to address individual traumatic events that have created unhealthy biofeedback loops (PTSD.) I had one truly amazing session that rewrote a day of trauma so simply and effectively - ans I can’t stop thinking about it.

How does it work? Is it talk therapy or are there earphones or something sensory or kinetic associated?

[dark_crystal]

I found this article (https://www.clearviewtreatment.com/somatic-experiencing-emdr/) on Somatic Therapies, which include EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. I did not vet the source so YMMV.

I get the basic principle but i am wondering how it would work with cPTSD? Like, we can't do The Rape or The Battery or The Bullying. Like, I have so many traumas that i cannot even keep track at this point.

How is the therapist going to know which one is causing the disruption? And if they all are, how will we ever get through all of them when i can't even make a complete list anymore AND new ones keep happening?

My big issue is emotional avoidance-- i see myself do it all the time, like when we are helping my dad into and out of his wheelchair from the car, etc.

It is difficult to watch, so i am busily examining the trees next to the car, or the cracks in the pavement, etc. all while my hands are holding onto his belt, etc.

I am guiding him and encouraging him but i am also dividing my focus so that i can turn my attention away from the sadness i see to the wasp nest on the garage or whatever, like "oh god oh god poor dad why why why why-- hey i wonder if those are yellowjackets or dirt daubers i should google-- oh go oh god why why-- hey that crack in the pavement looks like a slice of pizza-- oh no he had an accident he must be so humiliated-- hey look the azaleas are blooming"

Traumas that happen during that process get kind of cocooned and submerged and overlooked but they are piling up still almost weekly. Any therapy that has to do with reexperiencing memories is not going to find all of the memories, is all i am saying.

[candy_coated_bitch]

I ended up not having therapy Wednesday as Masshealth fucked up my ride. I was and am really disappointed, as I really needed that session. But I'll be back on Tuesday.

I had one therapist in the past who was big on Somatic techniques and sometimes I found it helpful and sometimes I found it even more triggering. It often caused me to dissociate, as I carry so much trauma my body does not want to experience or remember and forcing it does not help. And yes, it is also difficult with c-ptsd to untangle the threads where one trauma ends and the next begins. And there's the constant re-traumatization as d_c described. It wasn't for me. I find EMDR much more helpful though I didn't realize EMDR actually falls under Somatic Therapies, but it makes sense.

I fired that old therapist who kept triggering me and forcing me into traumas I wasn't ready for and constantly dissociating. It just didn't work out between us

[dark_crystal]

It has been a crazy week!

I work for a municipal government, so our health insurance is subject to change every new fiscal year. This year we changed from Cigna to BCBS, as of last Tuesday (October 1).

Neither my therapist nor my psychiatrist are on BCBS. I have to find a whole new treatment team.

I was in a spiral over that, then on Friday one of my assistants got me to approve something i knew would upset my other assistant, so i spent the whole weekend dreading a confrontation i was sure would be ugly (it was fine) and picked a big ugly fight with Mr. Jenny on Saturday.

I was so concinced that my other assistant was going to hate me now that i applied for a branch manager job that i normally would not have considered.

THEN yesterday, i went for the feedback on my psychological testing and found out i DO have ADHD-PI (PI= predominately inattentive) and have had it my whole life.

So a big part of my early trauma is now explained-- i was raised by a third-generation perfectionist and i had a disorder that meant i made a lot of mistakes and forgot stuff all the time and was shamed all day every day for it.

So NOW i have to find a whole new treatment team BUT i am also eligible for accommodations at my job which i am totally going to pursue.

I am going to be allowed to work at home on anything that requires sustained attention, so that way i can use my office hours exclusively for meetings and my staff's petty dramas and i won't be trying to like, put together the annual budget while people are in and out having crises all day.

Yesterday i got called for an interview for that branch manager job and now that my assistant isn't mad, i don't know why i applied. I have to call back and decline the interview, which i hope does not hurt me if i ever apply to that system again.

Anyway, big emotional roller coaster.

I guess i will go and revive the ADHD thread now

[cathexis]

I found this article (https://www.clearviewtreatment.com/somatic-experiencing-emdr/) on Somatic Therapies, which include EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. I did not vet the source so YMMV.

I get the basic principle but i am wondering how it would work with cPTSD? Like, we can't do The Rape or The Battery or The Bullying. Like, I have so many traumas that i cannot even keep track at this point.

How is the therapist going to know which one is causing the disruption? And if they all are, how will we ever get through all of them when i can't even make a complete list anymore AND new ones keep happening?

My big issue is emotional avoidance-- i see myself do it all the time, like when we are helping my dad into and out of his wheelchair from the car, etc.

It is difficult to watch, so i am busily examining the trees next to the car, or the cracks in the pavement, etc. all while my hands are holding onto his belt, etc.

I am guiding him and encouraging him but i am also dividing my focus so that i can turn my attention away from the sadness i see to the wasp nest on the garage or whatever, like "oh god oh god poor dad why why why why-- hey i wonder if those are yellowjackets or dirt daubers i should google-- oh go oh god why why-- hey that crack in the pavement looks like a slice of pizza-- oh no he had an accident he must be so humiliated-- hey look the azaleas are blooming"

Traumas that happen during that process get kind of cocooned and submerged and overlooked but they are piling up still almost weekly. Any therapy that has to do with reexperiencing memories is not going to find all of the memories, is all i am saying.

Couple of womyn I know have done a repeat scene of The Rape or Battery where they've taken control. It's pretty edgy, but if it works then more power to them. Doing that is something I have mentioned to my Partner.

[JustLovelyJenn]

I need to find a therapist. I know there is shit I am not dealing with and feel like I can't talk about. But, I have state insurance and I cant find a competent therapist in my area that takes my insurance. I am feeling frustrated and a little like I am drowning. I am not sure what to do. Do I start looking out of my area and travel an hour to therapy a couple times a month? Do I just give up and start looking shit up on my own again and hoping I can find enough motivation to walk my way through the therapies that may help...

Ugh, I know it effects so many parts of my life, and I know I am just shoving shit down, and I know that means that eventually I blow and anyone in radius gets hit with PTSD shrapnel as it flies out of me in every direction... But I am feeling stuck.

[firegal]

This topic is too near and dear as 25 years ago today at work the "pang" fire
happened.Arson fire "A" platoon my platoon,4 seattle firefighters made the ultimate sacrifice.

In the next 2 weeks were 4 days for body recovery which was us and 5 memorials to honor those taken.

It changed all of our lives and careers.Part of the job I chose I never thought about..... cause and effect.

It took me years to accept the term PTSD.

It is real and it is here for many,my life is better due to my realization and acceptance of such.

[justkim]

Trauma humor... it's alive and well within these four walls.

[dark_crystal]

I need to find a therapist. I know there is shit I am not dealing with and feel like I can't talk about. But, I have state insurance and I cant find a competent therapist in my area that takes my insurance. I am feeling frustrated and a little like I am drowning. I am not sure what to do. Do I start looking out of my area and travel an hour to therapy a couple times a month? Do I just give up and start looking shit up on my own again and hoping I can find enough motivation to walk my way through the therapies that may help...

Ugh, I know it effects so many parts of my life, and I know I am just shoving shit down, and I know that means that eventually I blow and anyone in radius gets hit with PTSD shrapnel as it flies out of me in every direction... But I am feeling stuck.

it is OUTRAGEOUSLY hard to find a therapist. I just had a 2nd session with my new one after being on wait lists all over town since October and i have "good" insurance.

My new therapist is literally an hour away from me AND the only appointment i could get lets out right at rush hour BUT she specializes in LGBT and ADHD.

I want to scream every time i see mental health PSAs that say stuff like "help is available if you only ask"

NO IT IS NOT

[JustLovelyJenn]

I am so not ok today. I just had to call 911 and have my child arrested and sent to juvie... she attacked me and threatened to hurt herself and others in my home because I told her I was taking away her tablet for non-compliant and disrespectful behavior. I had 5 officers in my home, she left in handcuffs. My arm is starting to bruise where she slammed it in her door. I was so hopeful that we wouldnt get to this place again... that her time in residential care would have given her the skills and the motivation to be at home and be in a positive and productive place with everyone in our family. Now, I dont know what to do. I dont want to do this all again. And I just cant stop crying.

[dark_crystal]

As long as you are holding space for her productive behavior to the same extent you are enforcing accountability for her dysfunctional behavior you are doing everything there is for you to do.

Hugs to you, i know it is hard

[dark_crystal]

My therapist is testing my IQ today. I'm nervous

[dark_crystal]

My therapist is testing my IQ today. I'm nervous

i remember the last time it was really easy-- like i did not even realize that was what they were testing, bc i also had a Rorschach and the old MMPI that day

She said last week that most people think it's fun

[GeorgiaMa'am]

My therapist is testing my IQ today. I'm nervous

i remember the last time it was really easy-- like i did not even realize that was what they were testing, bc i also had a Rorschach and the old MMPI that day

She said last week that most people think it's fun

It doesn't usually change much - I'm surprised they would want to do it again, unless you've had a brain injury or something. Don't sweat it!

[dark_crystal]

It doesn't usually change much - I'm surprised they would want to do it again, unless you've had a brain injury or something. Don't sweat it!

i was in the hospital when it was tested in 1987 and neither i nor my family were given the score. It has always bothered me not knowing, bc it was a pretty big deal at the time, which was why they withheld the score.

i was supposed to be allowed to know after discharge, but i discharged before they wanted me to and my parents did not follow up on it (i was a minor)

My therapist wants to know bc the Dr. who did my ADHD testing did the processing speed section of the IQ (WAIS) test and found significant deviation from the norm.

[ZoeyJayne]

I am so not ok today. I just had to call 911 and have my child arrested and sent to juvie... she attacked me and threatened to hurt herself and others in my home because I told her I was taking away her tablet for non-compliant and disrespectful behavior. I had 5 officers in my home, she left in handcuffs. My arm is starting to bruise where she slammed it in her door. I was so hopeful that we wouldnt get to this place again... that her time in residential care would have given her the skills and the motivation to be at home and be in a positive and productive place with everyone in our family. Now, I dont know what to do. I dont want to do this all again. And I just cant stop crying.


Jenn, You did exactly what you needed to do.. I dont know what is wrong wit your daughter so I cant speak as if I do.. But either way, if she is being violent and threatening to hurt herself and others , she needed to be sent out of the house..... I have worked in Human Services for years and this is what a therapist or clinician would advise you to do... The only thing that you can do is be there for your daughter, show support and love, ALOT of the people I have worked with never had anyone to show they cared or supported them... (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))..I know its hard and heartbreaking to have to do that to your own child.. But you did what was in her best interest and what was in the best interest of the other people in your household... Hang in there Jenn... I know it feels like a losing battle

[JustLovelyJenn]

Jenn, You did exactly what you needed to do.. I dont know what is wrong wit your daughter so I cant speak as if I do.. But either way, if she is being violent and threatening to hurt herself and others , she needed to be sent out of the house..... I have worked in Human Services for years and this is what a therapist or clinician would advise you to do... The only thing that you can do is be there for your daughter, show support and love, ALOT of the people I have worked with never had anyone to show they cared or supported them... (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))..I know its hard and heartbreaking to have to do that to your own child.. But you did what was in her best interest and what was in the best interest of the other people in your household... Hang in there Jenn... I know it feels like a losing battle

Thank you Zoey,

My daughter has autism, adhd, and disruptive mood disregulation disorder. This is not her first time attacking people in our home. The last time led to a 16 month stay in residential care. This is the first serious attack since she got home in June. Its having a huge impact. My oldest daughter is refuses to come out of her room unless absolutely necessary, tension between my parents (who live with me and I also take care of) is higher than ever, and haven't been able to function in my house since she left. I come straight into my room and have a panic attack every time I have to leave. I am looking for a new therapist for myself, working with my daughters mental health team to bring extra support in the house... but bringing her home this time was harder than ever. While she was in juvie she was angry and aggressive in every interaction we had, no matter who was present. And today when she spoke with the judge, she was very adamant that she feels she is not successful at home and would rather be placed in a long term facility. I am doing my best. But I am still not ok.

She spent 30 days in detention and was returned to my care today.

[dark_crystal]

Thank you Zoey,

My daughter has autism, adhd, and disruptive mood disregulation disorder. This is not her first time attacking people in our home. The last time led to a 16 month stay in residential care. This is the first serious attack since she got home in June. Its having a huge impact. My oldest daughter is refuses to come out of her room unless absolutely necessary, tension between my parents (who live with me and I also take care of) is higher than ever, and haven't been able to function in my house since she left. I come straight into my room and have a panic attack every time I have to leave. I am looking for a new therapist for myself, working with my daughters mental health team to bring extra support in the house... but bringing her home this time was harder than ever. While she was in juvie she was angry and aggressive in every interaction we had, no matter who was present. And today when she spoke with the judge, she was very adamant that she feels she is not successful at home and would rather be placed in a long term facility. I am doing my best. But I am still not ok.

She spent 30 days in detention and was returned to my care today.

Is it not possible for her to go to a long-term facility? If she believes she can succeed there and she wants to go and it is financially possible, maybe that is where she should be. As a former troubled teen inpatient, i think it is good that she wants that?

And even if there is no reason why she should be able to succeed there any better than anywhere else, the fact that she is choosing it kind of builds in some motivation and offers an opportunity to get her to commit to some accountability for her progress while she is there.

[Kelt]

Reading “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolkata, MD

Assigned reading, very difficult to accept. My life on so many pages.

Don’t know if others here have heard of it.

[tantalizingfemme]

Reading “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolkata, MD

Assigned reading, very difficult to accept. My life on so many pages.

Don’t know if others here have heard of it.

There with you. Also reading The Body Remembers by Babette Rothchild and The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz. All for my Treating Trauma class

Like you, I see myself splayed out in every chapter. Hugs to all of us for our resilience and our determination.

[dark_crystal]

Reading “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolkata, MD

Assigned reading, very difficult to accept. My life on so many pages.

Don’t know if others here have heard of it.

There with you. Also reading The Body Remembers by Babette Rothchild and The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz. All for my Treating Trauma class

Like you, I see myself splayed out in every chapter. Hugs to all of us for our resilience and our determination.

It is on my list but i have been putting it off...

[dark_crystal]

My therapist is testing my IQ today. I'm nervous

We did not finish the test last week. We will finish today i think. She said it does not have to be done all at once

[Martina]

Unusual for a therapist to give a Wechsler. I assume she's a clinical psychologist. She said most people enjoy it? Does that suggest she gives them often? Trippy for a therapist to be administering these often. I can't imagine the context. Obviously for a complete evaluation, but therapists rarely need or use those. And people who give them often are usually people whose jobs are doing psych evals, not therapy. It's none of my business, and you're smart and well-educated so I assume there's a good reason. I'm kind of like Georgia_Ma'am in thinking they usually get re-done after a brain injury for people applying for disability or something. But there's lots I don't know.

[Apocalipstic]

Hi all, so sorry I have not been here to give support! So very sorry and light and healing vibes to all who shared.

Its crazy how PTSD seems to layer in more trauma over the years. Like the oroginal trama/s get wrapped up in more traumas as they happen. Or new traumas cause us to rething and replay old traumas? I am not sure how to explain it.

I won't go into what happened. I wrote a whole thing, but don't want to trigger anyone. I just want us all to be ok. So many people are not.

Just Jenn, I hope things are getting better for you.

Sending love and light to all of you. Its a scary world.

[dark_crystal]

Hi all, so sorry I have not been here to give support! So very sorry and light and healing vibes to all who shared.

Its crazy how PTSD seems to layer in more trauma over the years. Like the oroginal trama/s get wrapped up in more traumas as they happen. Or new traumas cause us to rething and replay old traumas? I am not sure how to explain it.

I won't go into what happened. I wrote a whole thing, but don't want to trigger anyone. I just want us all to be ok. So many people are not.

Just Jenn, I hope things are getting better for you.

Sending love and light to all of you. Its a scary world.

This /\ is what i was talking about here \/

I found this article (https://www.clearviewtreatment.com/somatic-experiencing-emdr/) on Somatic Therapies, which include EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. I did not vet the source so YMMV.

I get the basic principle but i am wondering how it would work with cPTSD? Like, we can't do The Rape or The Battery or The Bullying. Like, I have so many traumas that i cannot even keep track at this point.

How is the therapist going to know which one is causing the disruption? And if they all are, how will we ever get through all of them when i can't even make a complete list anymore AND new ones keep happening?

My big issue is emotional avoidance-- i see myself do it all the time, like when we are helping my dad into and out of his wheelchair from the car, etc.

It is difficult to watch, so i am busily examining the trees next to the car, or the cracks in the pavement, etc. all while my hands are holding onto his belt, etc.

I am guiding him and encouraging him but i am also dividing my focus so that i can turn my attention away from the sadness i see to the wasp nest on the garage or whatever, like "oh god oh god poor dad why why why why-- hey i wonder if those are yellowjackets or dirt daubers i should google-- oh go oh god why why-- hey that crack in the pavement looks like a slice of pizza-- oh no he had an accident he must be so humiliated-- hey look the azaleas are blooming"

Traumas that happen during that process get kind of cocooned and submerged and overlooked but they are piling up still almost weekly. Any therapy that has to do with reexperiencing memories is not going to find all of the memories, is all i am saying.

My new therapist is really pushing EMDR
She's going to have to sell it to me

[CherylNYC]

This /\ is what i was talking about here \/



My new therapist is really pushing EMDR
She's going to have to sell it to me

I once had a therapist who wanted to try EMDR. I don't know if I was too disconnected or if she simply didn't have enough experience, or both. I got NOWHERE with it, although I thought it was an interesting exercise. So many people have had wonderful results with EMDR, but I'm not one of them.

[Apocalipstic]

This /\ is what i was talking about here \/



My new therapist is really pushing EMDR
She's going to have to sell it to me

For me, EMDR works on one thing at a time. Like if you know what the trauma is specifically that haunts you is, it helps blur the edges.

I totally get that it does not work for some people. I did not think it would work for me. The results for me were not instant, but over the years I can see it has worked.

Brain Spotting has worked to blur the edges on the trama your mind it leads to. Like body trauma we don't have words for.

Therapy gives me a safe place to just talk through layers of traumas and microtraumas and sometimes just the value in having someone actually listen to me, and over time know the me I show them, even though I am paying them to, is very validating.

[dark_crystal]

Recap: IQ was being retested at age 49 after i was tested as a minor during inpatient treatment. Those results were widely discussed, and caused my entire treatment plan to be upended, but they were ultimately withheld from me and my parents (supposedly.) My parents could have gotten them after discharge but never followed up (i wish i would have gone to get them myself, once 18, but i never could bring myself to call or visit the hospital, with which i associated very intense emotions for many years) (probably this was the case for my parents, too.)

Update: i'm not tacky enough to actually post my score, but the full-scale is like, on the doorstep of exceptional. Enough for Mensa, but when i looked it up on Quora this was the best comment: "to admit to an IQ of only ____ means you are probably not lying about how smart you are" so that is nice lol

I am neither surprised nor disappointed by the score, however, it was really, really, REALLY important for me to have it.

Having these scores withheld all those years ago ended up creating conditions within which i could be endlessly gaslit by my parents, my partners, my employers, my staff, and especially myself. I did not know the upper and lower range of appropriate expectations and this led to perfectionism and shame when i could not meet these expectations, which were basically unlimited.

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

My therapist and i talked about asynchronous development, and how this range makes it likely that growing up I was two years behind my physical age emotionally, while being several years ahead intellectually, and how this contributed to my boundary issues bc adults often overestimated the range of topics i was equipped to discuss/ideas i was equipped to process (to put it nicely.)

This is why i have often felt like i have been in sixth grade forever. i feel like that was the last year i could effortlessly fit in with my peers. After 6th grade i began to struggle, socially, and to experience bullying, anxiety, depression, and depersonalization.

ALSO, there are actually four scores. Three of my scores were closely grouped in the high range but my processing score was firmly average. This confirms the ADHD diagnosis and goes on file as the third assessment and second clinician to do so.

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

There is a weird feeling i had before where i felt guilty for considering that diagnosis for myself? Like i was too high-functioning/accomplished for that and to even consider it was disrespectful to people with real problems and anyway it would have been spotted long ago.

The one time i brought it up before was to a male psychiatrist. He literally scoffed at the idea, although i kind of suspected his dismissal was influenced by my gender and appearance.

Within that IQ range, however, mild autism becomes more believable as there is plenty of capacity for compensating for some stuff and masking other stuff while still appearing perfectly functional. It puts my achievements in a more accurate perspective.

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.

[Apocalipstic]

Recap: IQ was being retested at age 49 after i was tested as a minor during inpatient treatment. Those results were widely discussed, and caused my entire treatment plan to be upended, but they were ultimately withheld from me and my parents (supposedly.) My parents could have gotten them after discharge but never followed up (i wish i would have gone to get them myself, once 18, but i never could bring myself to call or visit the hospital, with which i associated very intense emotions for many years) (probably this was the case for my parents, too.)

Update: i'm not tacky enough to actually post my score, but the full-scale is like, on the doorstep of exceptional. Enough for Mensa, but when i looked it up on Quora this was the best comment: "to admit to an IQ of only ____ means you are probably not lying about how smart you are" so that is nice lol

I am neither surprised nor disappointed by the score, however, it was really, really, REALLY important for me to have it.

Having these scores withheld all those years ago ended up creating conditions within which i could be endlessly gaslit by my parents, my partners, my employers, my staff, and especially myself. I did not know the upper and lower range of appropriate expectations and this led to perfectionism and shame when i could not meet these expectations, which were basically unlimited.

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

My therapist and i talked about asynchronous development, and how this range makes it likely that growing up I was two years behind my physical age emotionally, while being several years ahead intellectually, and how this contributed to my boundary issues bc adults often overestimated the range of topics i was equipped to discuss/ideas i was equipped to process (to put it nicely.)

This is why i have often felt like i have been in sixth grade forever. i feel like that was the last year i could effortlessly fit in with my peers. After 6th grade i began to struggle, socially, and to experience bullying, anxiety, depression, and depersonalization.

ALSO, there are actually four scores. Three of my scores were closely grouped in the high range but my processing score was firmly average. This confirms the ADHD diagnosis and goes on file as the third assessment and second clinician to do so.

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

There is a weird feeling i had before where i felt guilty for considering that diagnosis for myself? Like i was too high-functioning/accomplished for that and to even consider it was disrespectful to people with real problems and anyway it would have been spotted long ago.

The one time i brought it up before was to a male psychiatrist. He literally scoffed at the idea, although i kind of suspected his dismissal was influenced by my gender and appearance.

Within that IQ range, however, mild autism becomes more believable as there is plenty of capacity for compensating for some stuff and masking other stuff while still appearing perfectly functional. It puts my achievements in a more accurate perspective.

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.

Wow, it sounds like you are getting a ton of good information. Its so sad that it was kept from you all these years and actually used against you.

I wish people could deal with each other's weird spaces without gaslighting them into feeling bad about themselves. I can really relate to that.

I am so glad you are getting answers!!! :praying::praying::praying::praying:

[JustLovelyJenn]

Why is it that everyone in my world seems to think I need to make allowances for their trauma and that mine should be my own problem to deal with....

[Apocalipstic]

Why is it that everyone in my world seems to think I need to make allowances for their trauma and that mine should be my own problem to deal with....

Amen Sister!!!!

News bulletin....we are human too!!!!

[dark_crystal]

Why is it that everyone in my world seems to think I need to make allowances for their trauma and that mine should be my own problem to deal with....

I don't know, really, but this question makes me think of my mom, who is looking really bad right now as she appears to center herself throughout my father's devastating illness. I have been trying to convey to her how entitled she is to her needs and how to seek to meet them without comparing herself to her mother and sister, who found themselves in this same situation and behaved like saints.

She's gaslighting herself into a martyrdom she doesn't need to support

hugs to you

[dark_crystal]

i just went and woke up Mr. Jenny to share this piece of wisdom i just thought of for her:

"when you married me it's like you bought a Jaguar-- pretty car! Capable of very high performance! LOTS of breakdowns"

She didn't say much (possibly trying to sleep, who knows) so i said, "or am i a Delorean?" but she said "no, Jaguar is right"

Last week i told my therapist that getting my IQ score was like finding out i was a ferrari driving in traffic surrounded by buses without realizing i wasn't a bus

Either way i would rather be a nice, safe, low-maintenance Lexus

idk what is up with the car metaphors, probably my recently-unmasked autism* coming out

:superfunny:

(that's sexist, actually, girls with autism often don't have the transportation thing, it's more likely to be Disney)

[dark_crystal]

[snip]

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

[snip]

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

[snip]

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.

Two follow-ups to this post

1. spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/the-invisible-link-between-autism-and-anorexia/ (The invisible link between autism and anorexia)
Some estimates hold that as much as 20 percent of people with enduring eating disorders have autism. Because girls with autism are frequently underdiagnosed, it’s often an eating disorder that first brings them to clinical attention — although men and boys with autism can and do develop eating disorders, most of the research and clinical attention has focused on girls and women. This gender bias has led some to refer to anorexia as ‘the female Asperger’s.’

Recognizing that someone has both autism and an eating disorder is only the first step. Few psychologists have expertise in helping people who have both conditions. Historically, eating disorder treatment mandates group therapy, but people with autism often have difficulties with social interactions. This treatment also requires that the individuals make dramatic changes in their eating routines, often in a short period of time. But some people with autism find it challenging to meet this demand because of their insistence on sameness. As a result, many people who have both autism and anorexia find it difficult to recover from their eating problems, and are less likely to recover than those who have anorexia alone. Louise and others like her are demonstrating that although the overlap between autism and anorexia is more common than anyone realized, there are still few effective treatments for this dual burden.
2. My therapist is really leaning in to the autism diagnosis and focusing almost all of our sessions on it. I am scheduled for formal assessment on September 22 :bigcry: i wish it could be sooner but most clinicians are geared toward kids and this is a university institute with a special program for late-life diagnosis. Also the doctor is female, and the history of autism is sexist as hell

[Apocalipstic]

Its crazy the things that trigger PTSD. Like dating for example. Work. TV, the President, a guy dying across the hall.

My doc added abilify to my drugs. Im not sure if its helping or not. I was klind of hallucinating and now I'm not. So thats good. Actually Im not sure of it was psychotic or psychic. Not that it matters I guess.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Its crazy the things that trigger PTSD. Like dating for example. Work. TV, the President, a guy dying across the hall.

My doc added abilify to my drugs. Im not sure if its helping or not. I was klind of hallucinating and now I'm not. So thats good. Actually Im not sure of it was psychotic or psychic. Not that it matters I guess.

I take Abilify, and my main anti-depressant is Zoloft. The Abilify does seem to help make the Zoloft more effective for me. I haven't noticed any bad side effects, and I've been taking it for over a year. Good luck.

[Apocalipstic]

I take Abilify, and my main anti-depressant is Zoloft. The Abilify does seem to help make the Zoloft more effective for me. I haven't noticed any bad side effects, and I've been taking it for over a year. Good luck.

THank you Ga! I take Cynbalta plus the Abilify. I have definitely gained weight and the Cymbalta makes my blood pressure go up. But it keeps me from being too crazy.

I have pneumonia a couple of months ago for 8 weeks, and the steroids they gave mme put me over the edge. I am still not right. Onve my PTSD is activated, its difficult to get back to whatever "normal" is.

I wish I could be off all meds, I think I would be healthier. But somehting always happened ot trigget my PTSD, then back on the meds I go.

Thank you for the sweet post, from your neighboring state, Tennessee!

[GeorgiaMa'am]

THank you Ga! I take Cynbalta plus the Abilify. I have definitely gained weight and the Cymbalta makes my blood pressure go up. But it keeps me from being too crazy.

I have pneumonia a couple of months ago for 8 weeks, and the steroids they gave mme put me over the edge. I am still not right. Onve my PTSD is activated, its difficult to get back to whatever "normal" is.

I wish I could be off all meds, I think I would be healthier. But somehting always happened ot trigget my PTSD, then back on the meds I go.

Thank you for the sweet post, from your neighboring state, Tennessee!

Hello from Georgia!

Sorry to hear about the pneumonia. I caught it back in October 2019, and I'm still not completely over the coughing.

I know what you mean about the steroids. I take them every time I have a gout flare-up, and I've had three lately. The people around me better beware! :seeingstars:

[JustLovelyJenn]

I had a huge panic attack a few days ago... I was talking with someone new through messenger (my new partners other partner) and they were being almost... too kind... lots of compliments, insinuations... and to me... it was just a huge red flag... no one is that nice on day one without ulterior motives...

I spent nearly 3 hours in total panic trying to figure out how to ask them to back off. In the end, I asked my partner to do it... and while they have, to some extent... not enough for me.

I really dislike that with everything I have experience, a COMPLIMENT, can make me panic...

[Apocalipstic]

I had a huge panic attack a few days ago... I was talking with someone new through messenger (my new partners other partner) and they were being almost... too kind... lots of compliments, insinuations... and to me... it was just a huge red flag... no one is that nice on day one without ulterior motives...

I spent nearly 3 hours in total panic trying to figure out how to ask them to back off. In the end, I asked my partner to do it... and while they have, to some extent... not enough for me.

I really dislike that with everything I have experience, a COMPLIMENT, can make me panic...

Sadly, we wonder about motives...we wounder why someone would help us or want to be kind to us. I undestand! (((Jenn))). I need to do better at red flags like this. If someone is too kind, I should RUN before my heart breaks.

I've been very filled with panic and anxiety lately, for no apparent reason other than Covid 45, the weather and the government and how it affects life.

I want to be able to talk about it, feel it, process it...but most people say I need to just look for the positive....WHAT positive?

Im told that if a storm is coming, I should ignore it. Not watch the news. If I know a storm is coming at me, I am watching the weather, and if the lights go out im listening on my solar powered weather radio. WE have tornadoes, I have been thru several personally.

I've been though too much. If there are riots, weather, predators (not the hockey team), anything to be aware of....I am super aware. I am ON IT. Hyper alert.

I'm told, (not by my therapist) its obsessive. Maybe so. But also, its PTSD. and PTSD lives with me every day. I wish I could talk about it more without scaring anyone.

Gah

Ps. yes I take medicine for it and have a psychiatrist and therapist,b ut thats not always enough.

[dark_crystal]

The world is very hostile to us right now. I am usually driven to high achievement, but I've put a moratorium on ALL. OF. THAT.

I am in survival mode until further notice. I am barely able to function at work and have shamelessly slashed my duties to the bare minimum.

Speaking as a manager, I am advocating to anyone employed that they get themselves on intermittent FMLA and under an ADA reasonable accommodations agreement.

You can do it under PTSD and you don't really even need to ask for any accommodations beyond "positive feedback" or "sensory-friendly environment." Most doctors are comfortable recommending those. Once you have that paperwork your ass is covered for survival mode.

My intermittent FMLA status means I can walk out or call in at any time without a doctor's note, and my reasonable accommodation agreement means i can blame the environment for all of my mistakes.

Bare minimum for the duration.

The process was exhausting and traumatic:

I emailed HR and requested FMLA paperwork "for my serious health condition." They can't refuse this. Then I sent the forms to my psychiatrist and she sent them back to HR.

After HR had a phone convo with my doctor, they emailed me a letter stating intermittent FMLA was granted for a period of 12 months beginning and ending with (dates)

Once i had that letter, I sent them another email stating that i would like to request reasonable workplace accommodations for my serious health condition. HR came and interviewed me about my needs and had another phone convo with my psychiatrist, after which i got another letter.

Even if they don't grant both requests, you are on record as having made them, and will qualify for unemployment if you get fired.

[dark_crystal]

I left work at 11 am last Tuesday and I am on LegalMatch.com looking for a personal injury lawyer. Here is the case summary i posted:

My employee took unauthorized action behind my back, took documented steps to conceal her activities, and used these unauthorized activities and withheld information to publicly humiliate me twice, first in a departmental group text and then later in our shared suite, with my entire staff as witnesses. She did this despite her knowledge of my status as a person currently being treated for PTSD, and exploited her awareness of my autism and ADHD to justify her actions. This is the second incident. The first incident occurred in January 2020 and involved the unauthorized commitment of $50,000.00 in taxpayer funds

I am so messed up over this. I don't know when i will go back to work.

[Kätzchen]

I had my final visit by phone with the therapist I've had for the past 6 months and next week, she hands me off to a newly assigned therapist (from the same clinic).

I do have a massive case of PTSD. I only learned about it after a temp admin in the clinic office's home base location, mistakenly sent case notes to me rather than to my primary doctor. Among other things I read in my case notes, made by all therapists I have seen since two years ago now, is that I have a unique IQ. It's not enough to move me into another category (standard deviation section) but the way they talk about it in my case notes leaves me with the knowledge that I'm not exactly a 'special snowflake' but a snowflake that is resilient and not exactly like other snowflakes. :eyebat:

I'm making fun of myself, in case it's not obvious. :)

In other news: I committed myself to another year of therapy with the same clinic. I feel tremendous support from the set of clinician's I have seen over the past two years. I feel like positive progress is taking place in my life and although my life right now is anything but serene (ie, monster neighbor with toddler syndrome makes it terribly hard on me right now), I know that I am developing critical skills in self advocacy and problem solving techniques and sustaining a level of resilience that marks my life as being an remarkable account of doing more than just surviving, but living life to the best of my ability. Which is pretty remarkable, to me. I feel incredible support from the clinic who provides me with more than competent clinicians.

Oh, and the next clinician I have will not be female. It will be the first time I have had a male clinician. So, not sure how the next 6 months will go, but I'm giving it a chance.

Sending wellness wishes to all,
~K. :blueheels:

[dark_crystal]

I left work at 11 am last Tuesday and I am on LegalMatch.com looking for a personal injury lawyer. Here is the case summary i posted:

My employee took unauthorized action behind my back, took documented steps to conceal her activities, and used these unauthorized activities and withheld information to publicly humiliate me twice, first in a departmental group text and then later in our shared suite, with my entire staff as witnesses. She did this despite her knowledge of my status as a person currently being treated for PTSD, and exploited her awareness of my autism and ADHD to justify her actions. This is the second incident. The first incident occurred in January 2020 and involved the unauthorized commitment of $50,000.00 in taxpayer funds

I am so messed up over this. I don't know when i will go back to work.

i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.

[dark_crystal]

i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.

My boss has appointed the bully as interim Department Head in my absence

[dark_crystal]

i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.

My boss has appointed the bully as interim Department Head in my absence

Yesterday was two weeks since the incident and I still get nausea and chills at the thought of entering the library.

I am improving in that the physical pain had ended by this past weekend. The doctor said that my hypermobility disorder causes emotional distress to trigger "somatosensory amplification," so my usual hip, neck, and shoulder pain were cranked up to an immobilizing extent in the days immediately following the incident.

BUT i can't read any books! The thought of just opening the library app on my phone gives me palpitations and clammy hands. :(

On the administrative side of things, HR has given me permission to do a written warning, IF my boss approves, but they do not feel moving her is warranted.

I typed up the corrective action form and now i am waiting for my boss to approve it. This is by no means guaranteed.

My primary doctor's recommended course of treatment following this trauma was to take a month off of work and use that time to attend therapy three times per week, and do Pilates at least two times per week.

I will be doing two virtual therapy sessions and will begin weekly in-person EMDR sessions tomorrow. I am seeing my psychiatrist next Friday. I am also seeing an autism specialist and I have committed to a three month Pilates package (expensive af but literally the only exercise allowed with hypermobility)

The Pilates is supposed to strengthen my muscles to the point where they are passively stabilizing my joints. Hypermobility plus my current state of emaciation means that my muscles are actively holding my joints together, and this increases the adrenaline in my bloodstream, which manifests as anxiety.

This anxiety is all chemical and just floating around in there, but it gets added to my PTSD-related anxieties and supposedly that is why i had such an "extreme" reaction to this particular trauma, according to my primary care doctor (my therapist does not consider my reaction extreme, and she was horrified to hear my bully had been given my job)

The thing is, I couldn't start Pilates until yesterday, due to pain, and it will be August 18 before my therapist can add the second virtual session, so I will not actually be in compliance with my treatment plan until the last two days of my month off. I am seeing her again on Friday and i will ask her if she can extend my recommended leave to September 21.

The EMDR therapist's office is near my parents' house, and the efficiency tyrant in me says to kill two birds with one stone and knock out my weekly visit with them immediately following therapy.

Am i correct in my understanding that i will come out of EMDR in a fairly raw state and not be in any condition to deal with my parents, who are implicated in my ongoing trauma?

[dark_crystal]

I had my final visit by phone with the therapist I've had for the past 6 months and next week, she hands me off to a newly assigned therapist (from the same clinic).

I do have a massive case of PTSD. I only learned about it after a temp admin in the clinic office's home base location, mistakenly sent case notes to me rather than to my primary doctor. Among other things I read in my case notes, made by all therapists I have seen since two years ago now, is that I have a unique IQ. It's not enough to move me into another category (standard deviation section) but the way they talk about it in my case notes leaves me with the knowledge that I'm not exactly a 'special snowflake' but a snowflake that is resilient and not exactly like other snowflakes. :eyebat:

I'm making fun of myself, in case it's not obvious. :)

In other news: I committed myself to another year of therapy with the same clinic. I feel tremendous support from the set of clinician's I have seen over the past two years. I feel like positive progress is taking place in my life and although my life right now is anything but serene (ie, monster neighbor with toddler syndrome makes it terribly hard on me right now), I know that I am developing critical skills in self advocacy and problem solving techniques and sustaining a level of resilience that marks my life as being an remarkable account of doing more than just surviving, but living life to the best of my ability. Which is pretty remarkable, to me. I feel incredible support from the clinic who provides me with more than competent clinicians.

Oh, and the next clinician I have will not be female. It will be the first time I have had a male clinician. So, not sure how the next 6 months will go, but I'm giving it a chance.

Sending wellness wishes to all,
~K. :blueheels:

You don't have to have a sky-high IQ to be impacted by the challenges and benefits of giftedness.

There is a theory that we can only communicate effectively with people inside a 30-point range. Whether you are in the top 2% or the top 25%, there are going to be impacts from that.

Congrats on having resilience, though. I am told i need to get some of that :superfunny:

[Kätzchen]

Yesterday, my therapist and the new therapist shared a 3-way phone call with me, so my therapist could introduce me to the new therapist and so that the new therapist could go over some things that we will continue covering in my PTSD sessions.

My biggest trigger is brought on by those who have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Both of my parents suffer narcissism (NPD) and three of my siblings have it too. Growing up in a household of competing narcissists (so crazy toxic) and separating myself from the prevailing sick winds of narcissism has been a lifelong struggle. It wasn't until T---p began to occupy the WH that it sent me into escalating panic attacks and escalated the PTSD I have suffered from, most of my life, but just never had a name for it until I had to reach out for help by my primary care physician, which led to me going for therapy for the past two years. When my abusive dad died this past February, I felt nothing except that his death marked the unraveling of the years long competition between him and my mother, but when my abusive father died, my mom has gotten worse and her constant helicoptering, secrecy about her next manipulative moves, etc., has made it hard on me because although I have put a fuck ton of distance between myself and my family, it doesn't stop them or faze them that I don't want to be a part of their sick and toxic behavioral ways that they live and communicate by, with each other (and others).

So, my new therapist asked me to chase down a copy of a book authored by Sandra Hotchkiss:
Why is it always about you? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/423271.Why_Is_It_Always_About_You_) (August 7th, 2002).


One of the things my new therapist has asked me to do is to read the book and then begin a journal of notes about things I read in the book that connect to experiences I have lived through. So that is what I will be doing, until we meet for our first session in September and then for the next six months, we will work on the things I find that parallel my life experience and what I can do to help myself. Before the pandemic broke out, the new therapist I have been partnered with used to run a small group counseling session for those of us triggered severely by the people in our lives who have NPD.

It's going to be rough, like it always has been, but I am determined to overcome and do more than just survive.

Here's an introduction to the type of book I will be reading by Hotchkiss:

In this groundbreaking book -- the first popular book on narcissism in more than a decade -- clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn into their perilous orbit, and what you can do to break free, Hotchkiss describes the "Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" and their origins. You will learn to recognize these hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism -- Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, Bad Boundaries -- and to understand the roles that parenting and culture play in their creation. Whether the narcissist in question is a coworker, spouse, parent, or child, Why Is It Always About You? provides abundant practical advice for anyone struggling to break narcissism's insidious spread to the next generation, and for anyone who encounters narcissists in everyday life.

[dark_crystal]

Yesterday, my therapist and the new therapist shared a 3-way phone call with me, so my therapist could introduce me to the new therapist and so that the new therapist could go over some things that we will continue covering in my PTSD sessions.

My biggest trigger is brought on by those who have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Both of my parents suffer narcissism (NPD) and three of my siblings have it too. Growing up in a household of competing narcissists (so crazy toxic) and separating myself from the prevailing sick winds of narcissism has been a lifelong struggle. It wasn't until T---p began to occupy the WH that it sent me into escalating panic attacks and escalated the PTSD I have suffered from, most of my life, but just never had a name for it until I had to reach out for help by my primary care physician, which led to me going for therapy for the past two years. When my abusive dad died this past February, I felt nothing except that his death marked the unraveling of the years long competition between him and my mother, but when my abusive father died, my mom has gotten worse and her constant helicoptering, secrecy about her next manipulative moves, etc., has made it hard on me because although I have put a fuck ton of distance between myself and my family, it doesn't stop them or faze them that I don't want to be a part of their sick and toxic behavioral ways that they live and communicate by, with each other (and others).

So, my new therapist asked me to chase down a copy of a book authored by Sandra Hotchkiss:
Why is it always about you? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/423271.Why_Is_It_Always_About_You_) (August 7th, 2002).


One of the things my new therapist has asked me to do is to read the book and then begin a journal of notes about things I read in the book that connect to experiences I have lived through. So that is what I will be doing, until we meet for our first session in September and then for the next six months, we will work on the things I find that parallel my life experience and what I can do to help myself. Before the pandemic broke out, the new therapist I have been partnered with used to run a small group counseling session for those of us triggered severely by the people in our lives who have NPD.

It's going to be rough, like it always has been, but I am determined to overcome and do more than just survive.

Here's an introduction to the type of book I will be reading by Hotchkiss:

I am putting that book on my list. Thanks!

[Apocalipstic]

So has Covid messed with anyone else's therapy, etc?

I have not had EMDR since this mess started and we were having such good progress before.

Now, though I have therapy, its just discussion on Zoom and while it does help, I feel like its more like just talking about what I am doing to survive...not getting ahead of things like I was before.

I just feel kind of lost and like there is no way to improve until this mess is over, if ever.

Anyone else feel this way?

[Kätzchen]

So has Covid messed with anyone else's therapy, etc?

I have not had EMDR since this mess started and we were having such good progress before.

Now, though I have therapy, its just discussion on Zoom and while it does help, I feel like its more like just talking about what I am doing to survive...not getting ahead of things like I was before.

I just feel kind of lost and like there is no way to improve until this mess is over, if ever.

Anyone else feel this way?

My next round of sessions wont start until next month, but yah. The past six months felt like my therapy was more centered around the chaos in our country, by Capt Chaos himself, and others just like him who are hell bent on subjecting others to their own brand chaos.

Not sure how the next six months will go.


Good to see your post today, Apoc. Stay safe and be as well as you can be, sister friend. (f)

Take good care,
~K.:balloon:

[Apocalipstic]

My next round of sessions wont start until next month, but yah. The past six months felt like my therapy was more centered around the chaos in our country, by Capt Chaos himself, and others just like him who are hell bent on subjecting others to their own brand chaos.

Not sure how the next six months will go.


Good to see your post today, Apoc. Stay safe and be as well as you can be, sister friend. (f)

Take good care,
~K.:balloon:

Good luck on your next 6 months. Are you still on Zoom or phone?

Ive started having really bad anxiety and panic attacks again. My therapist said no more watching the news, which stresses me out becasue then I wonder what is happening and going to happen. Like I want to know what is going on! You know?

Maybe if nothing else, so I can have everything charged up and my car full if I need to run.

My kittie died and she thinks I need to get another one soon, but what if things go bad around the election and I have to get outta the South. I can't leave a kittie behind.

I hope your therapy goes well! Have you started it yet? :tea:

[Kätzchen]

Good luck on your next 6 months. Are you still on Zoom or phone?

Ive started having really bad anxiety and panic attacks again. My therapist said no more watching the news, which stresses me out becasue then I wonder what is happening and going to happen. Like I want to know what is going on! You know?

Maybe if nothing else, so I can have everything charged up and my car full if I need to run.

My kittie died and she thinks I need to get another one soon, but what if things go bad around the election and I have to get outta the South. I can't leave a kittie behind.

I hope your therapy goes well! Have you started it yet? :tea:

My sessions begin next month. Which we conduct them via a secured network by phone.

Sorry to hear about your pet cat. Mine passed away this last spring, hard still on me -missing my cat.

Take good care now and be good to you, Apocalipstic.

:tea:

[dark_crystal]

what if things go bad around the election and I have to get outta the South. I can't leave a kittie behind.
How fast can you get to Neuvo Laredo by car? :hk4:
You and Kitty can have space in our refugee compound. :hk23:
This entire thread is invited! And even if it is not realistic for you, I will paint ya'll the picture so you can use it as a soothing bedtime story :hk36:
(I have alluded to this on multiple other threads so I apologize if it's a rerun for anyone)

Mr. Jenny has dual citizenship and owns 4 properties in Neuvo Laredo.
She is already considered a resident.
I just got a travel trailer for my birthday.
We can probably put two travel trailers on each property, for a total of eight. Four people can live in each trailer, so that is 30 more people.
Nuevo Laredo is very convenient! The neighborhoods have multiple bodegas on each block!
On the block where we have our established mailing address, you only have to walk next door to get milk, eggs, bread, toilet paper, cervezas, etc.
Our dollars buy A LOT.

Here is the problem: one of the properties is rural and does not have water service. The water is delivered each day on a truck.

When I am fretting about the political worst-case (Handmaid's Tale becoming real and/or white supremacists massacring everyone), I go over this plan in my brain, and instead of worrying about fascism, I worry about that water truck: "Could I live like that? The nice thing to do would be to tolerate that ourselves and let our friends have the compounds in town, but what about my hair?" etc.

Now all of ya'll can put yourselves in that picture, and distract yourselves from Doomsday by planning your route to Nuevo Laredo and hoping you don't get stuck on the water truck compound.

Although what if we could put eight trailers on the water truck property? It's rural and unrestricted. Hmmm

[dark_crystal]

I got the results from my autism assessment yesterday and YEP it's autism.

The psychologist said my autism is very close to fully camouflaged, and that is taking a lot of energy from me and causing physical exhaustion and extreme anxiety.

Another issue with autism is extreme naivete and gullibility. I have always fallen prey to exploiters, manipulators, and narcissists and this is extremely common with autism. We have no defense against it.

So, I have been doing all of this work to treat my anxiety and exhaustion and vulnerability BUT they are never going to change. Surviving at work is never going to get any easier for me. The toll it takes on me is never going to decrease.

My assistant was manipulating me and exploiting me for ten years. For ten years i saw her as my safe person at work. Before i started getting promoted, I would cry to her about my ex-supervisors bullying me. Her friendship was fake that entire time. She was using me to climb the ladder.

My "good" assistant told me after the incident that she goes to church with my "evil" assistant's ex-supervisor, and that lady told her that my evil assistant did this to both of her previous supervisors, too. She pretended to be their best friend until they promoted her. Both of them were also on the spectrum.

She is also in the process of divorcing her sweet, nerdy little husband. I guess he, too, has outlived his usefulness to her.

These fake friendships happen to me over and over, and autism makes it almost impossible to see while it is happening. I just do not feel there are any kind of skills i can learn that will ever protect me. It is just guaranteed to happen eventually any time i am out in the world without Mr. Jenny.

SO

I have decided not to go back to work. Not at the library, not at another library, not at Wal-mart, not anywhere. No job is ever going to be safe for me.

I told Mr. Jenny i work for her now.

She has a lot of questions about that because both of us are on my job's health insurance. I told her we have a LOT of things to figure out!

[Apocalipstic]

Yesterday was two weeks since the incident and I still get nausea and chills at the thought of entering the library.

I am improving in that the physical pain had ended by this past weekend. The doctor said that my hypermobility disorder causes emotional distress to trigger "somatosensory amplification," so my usual hip, neck, and shoulder pain were cranked up to an immobilizing extent in the days immediately following the incident.

BUT i can't read any books! The thought of just opening the library app on my phone gives me palpitations and clammy hands. :(

On the administrative side of things, HR has given me permission to do a written warning, IF my boss approves, but they do not feel moving her is warranted.

I typed up the corrective action form and now i am waiting for my boss to approve it. This is by no means guaranteed.

My primary doctor's recommended course of treatment following this trauma was to take a month off of work and use that time to attend therapy three times per week, and do Pilates at least two times per week.

I will be doing two virtual therapy sessions and will begin weekly in-person EMDR sessions tomorrow. I am seeing my psychiatrist next Friday. I am also seeing an autism specialist and I have committed to a three month Pilates package (expensive af but literally the only exercise allowed with hypermobility)

The Pilates is supposed to strengthen my muscles to the point where they are passively stabilizing my joints. Hypermobility plus my current state of emaciation means that my muscles are actively holding my joints together, and this increases the adrenaline in my bloodstream, which manifests as anxiety.

This anxiety is all chemical and just floating around in there, but it gets added to my PTSD-related anxieties and supposedly that is why i had such an "extreme" reaction to this particular trauma, according to my primary care doctor (my therapist does not consider my reaction extreme, and she was horrified to hear my bully had been given my job)

The thing is, I couldn't start Pilates until yesterday, due to pain, and it will be August 18 before my therapist can add the second virtual session, so I will not actually be in compliance with my treatment plan until the last two days of my month off. I am seeing her again on Friday and i will ask her if she can extend my recommended leave to September 21.

The EMDR therapist's office is near my parents' house, and the efficiency tyrant in me says to kill two birds with one stone and knock out my weekly visit with them immediately following therapy.

Am i correct in my understanding that i will come out of EMDR in a fairly raw state and not be in any condition to deal with my parents, who are implicated in my ongoing trauma?

I am super 100% raw when I get out of EMDR. Not a good time to visit triggers.

[easygoingfemme]

I got the results from my autism assessment yesterday and YEP it's autism.

The psychologist said my autism is very close to fully camouflaged, and that is taking a lot of energy from me and causing physical exhaustion and extreme anxiety.

Another issue with autism is extreme naivete and gullibility. I have always fallen prey to exploiters, manipulators, and narcissists and this is extremely common with autism. We have no defense against it.

So, I have been doing all of this work to treat my anxiety and exhaustion and vulnerability BUT they are never going to change. Surviving at work is never going to get any easier for me. The toll it takes on me is never going to decrease.

My assistant was manipulating me and exploiting me for ten years. For ten years i saw her as my safe person at work. Before i started getting promoted, I would cry to her about my ex-supervisors bullying me. Her friendship was fake that entire time. She was using me to climb the ladder.

My "good" assistant told me after the incident that she goes to church with my "evil" assistant's ex-supervisor, and that lady told her that my evil assistant did this to both of her previous supervisors, too. She pretended to be their best friend until they promoted her. Both of them were also on the spectrum.

She is also in the process of divorcing her sweet, nerdy little husband. I guess he, too, has outlived his usefulness to her.

These fake friendships happen to me over and over, and autism makes it almost impossible to see while it is happening. I just do not feel there are any kind of skills i can learn that will ever protect me. It is just guaranteed to happen eventually any time i am out in the world without Mr. Jenny.

SO

I have decided not to go back to work. Not at the library, not at another library, not at Wal-mart, not anywhere. No job is ever going to be safe for me.

I told Mr. Jenny i work for her now.

She has a lot of questions about that because both of us are on my job's health insurance. I told her we have a LOT of things to figure out!

Wow, that is a lot of information to receive and process- while being validating of your experiences and helping you to make choices moving forward that are safe and good for you. I'm sure it will take some figuring out but the goal is worth it.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I got the results from my autism assessment yesterday and YEP it's autism.

The psychologist said my autism is very close to fully camouflaged, and that is taking a lot of energy from me and causing physical exhaustion and extreme anxiety.

Another issue with autism is extreme naivete and gullibility. I have always fallen prey to exploiters, manipulators, and narcissists and this is extremely common with autism. We have no defense against it.

So, I have been doing all of this work to treat my anxiety and exhaustion and vulnerability BUT they are never going to change. Surviving at work is never going to get any easier for me. The toll it takes on me is never going to decrease.

My assistant was manipulating me and exploiting me for ten years. For ten years i saw her as my safe person at work. Before i started getting promoted, I would cry to her about my ex-supervisors bullying me. Her friendship was fake that entire time. She was using me to climb the ladder.

My "good" assistant told me after the incident that she goes to church with my "evil" assistant's ex-supervisor, and that lady told her that my evil assistant did this to both of her previous supervisors, too. She pretended to be their best friend until they promoted her. Both of them were also on the spectrum.

She is also in the process of divorcing her sweet, nerdy little husband. I guess he, too, has outlived his usefulness to her.

These fake friendships happen to me over and over, and autism makes it almost impossible to see while it is happening. I just do not feel there are any kind of skills i can learn that will ever protect me. It is just guaranteed to happen eventually any time i am out in the world without Mr. Jenny.

SO

I have decided not to go back to work. Not at the library, not at another library, not at Wal-mart, not anywhere. No job is ever going to be safe for me.

I told Mr. Jenny i work for her now.

She has a lot of questions about that because both of us are on my job's health insurance. I told her we have a LOT of things to figure out!

Good for you for figuring out the problem, for getting help, and addressing the problem. You are taking care of yourself - that's what is important. You are very proactive; I have confidence that you and Mr. Jenny _will_ figure things out.

[dark_crystal]

I am super 100% raw when I get out of EMDR. Not a good time to visit triggers.

Yep. I tried it and had a meltdown in the car as soon as we left my parents'

[dark_crystal]

PLOT TWIST: Snowpocalypse

Well this has been a huge setback. Anyone else?

About 48 hours after my body accepts that the cold and dark is really over i am going to fall apart.

See ya'll Saturday

[JustLovelyJenn]

It's been a year since I left a very toxic relationship.

It is by no means the longest relationship I have ever had, and yet... the 6 months I spent with this human did more damage than any one thing in the past 38 years.

He is not the only source of my PTSD, but I am still discovering new ways that his presence in my life has changed and effected me. I am scared to let people in in so many ways. I wake up panicked sometimes. I doubt every decision. Still. I know I need a therapist, but living in the boonies on a fixed income makes that hard. Maybe just putting the words out in the universe will help.

[Orema]

Take The ACE Quiz — And Learn What It Does And Doesn't Mean

March 2, 2015. 2:57 PM ET
LAURA STARECHESKI

An ACE score is a tally of different types of abuse, neglect, and other hallmarks of a rough childhood. According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for later health problems. You can take the test here (https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean).

So, you've got your score. Now what?

First, remember that the ACE score isn't a crystal ball; it's just meant as guidance. It tells you about one type of risk factor among many. It doesn't directly take into account your diet or genes, or whether you smoke or drink excessively — to name just a few of the other major influences on health.

To learn more, check the CDC's ACE Study website (https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html). You'll find, among other things, a list of studies (https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/journal.html) that explore the ways adverse childhood experiences have been linked to a variety of adult conditions, ranging from increased headaches to depression to heart disease.

Remember this, too: ACE scores don't tally the positive experiences in early life that can help build resilience and protect a child from the effects of trauma. Having a grandparent who loves you, a teacher who understands and believes in you, or a trusted friend you can confide in may mitigate the long-term effects of early trauma, psychologists say.

“There are people with high ACE scores who do remarkably well," says Jack Shonkoff, a pediatrician and director of the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University.

Resilience, he says, builds throughout life, and close relationships are key. Recent research also suggests that for adults, "trauma informed" therapy — which can center on art, yoga or mindfulness training — can help.

Three Types of ACEs

https://i.postimg.cc/cHKcMmbV/aces-1-custom.jpg
Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Credit: Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

How best to find and help kids who are experiencing abuse and neglect right now?

Child psychologist Hilit Kletter, of Stanford University's School of Medicine, says that to spot these children, she looks for visible signs of stress to understand what might have happened to them and how best to intervene. Some kids have nightmares or recurring thoughts of a stressful event, she says, or may re-enact the trauma through play. Or the child may seem distracted or withdrawn.

"This will come out at school," Kletter says. "Teachers will tell parents [their child] seems to be in a daze in the classroom, not paying attention."

ACEs Increase Health Risks

According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for various health problems later.

https://i.postimg.cc/jSdP4cWZ/aces-2-custom.jpg
Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Credit: Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

Kletter says reactions to trauma are sometimes misdiagnosed as symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, because kids dealing with adverse experiences may be impulsive — acting out with anger or other strong emotions.

"It's something that's very common in trauma: difficulty in regulating emotions and behavior," she explains. "That's why a lot of these kids get in trouble with the classroom."

Shonkoff's research center at Harvard tests interventions that can build resilience in kids (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2014/06/10/peds.2013-2475.abstract?sid=0efeb078-1ed5-41b0-ba61-8fa71ad359c1) who are growing up with adverse experiences — not just problems in the family, such as those the ACE study investigated, but also trauma stemming from poverty, for example, or from the chronic stress of racial or gender discrimination.

To bolster parents, the Harvard team is testing interventions right now that use video coaching to show moms and dads how to engage their babbling infants, using sounds and facial expressions in a style Shonkoff calls serve and return (http://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/multimedia/videos/three_core_concepts/serve_and_return/).

Shonkoff says these early interactions — a kind of conversation — have been shown to help children with later learning and literacy. Even more important, they boost kids' resilience, by helping them build secure attachments with caring adults. Research suggests that just one (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17347353) caring, safe relationship early in life gives any child a much better shot at growing up healthy.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean

[CherylNYC]

Take The ACE Quiz — And Learn What It Does And Doesn't Mean

March 2, 2015. 2:57 PM ET
LAURA STARECHESKI

An ACE score is a tally of different types of abuse, neglect, and other hallmarks of a rough childhood. According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for later health problems. You can take the test here (https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean).

So, you've got your score. Now what?

First, remember that the ACE score isn't a crystal ball; it's just meant as guidance. It tells you about one type of risk factor among many. It doesn't directly take into account your diet or genes, or whether you smoke or drink excessively — to name just a few of the other major influences on health.

To learn more, check the CDC's ACE Study website (https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html). You'll find, among other things, a list of studies (https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/journal.html) that explore the ways adverse childhood experiences have been linked to a variety of adult conditions, ranging from increased headaches to depression to heart disease.

Remember this, too: ACE scores don't tally the positive experiences in early life that can help build resilience and protect a child from the effects of trauma. Having a grandparent who loves you, a teacher who understands and believes in you, or a trusted friend you can confide in may mitigate the long-term effects of early trauma, psychologists say.

“There are people with high ACE scores who do remarkably well," says Jack Shonkoff, a pediatrician and director of the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University.

Resilience, he says, builds throughout life, and close relationships are key. Recent research also suggests that for adults, "trauma informed" therapy — which can center on art, yoga or mindfulness training — can help.

Three Types of ACEs

https://i.postimg.cc/cHKcMmbV/aces-1-custom.jpg
Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Credit: Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

How best to find and help kids who are experiencing abuse and neglect right now?

Child psychologist Hilit Kletter, of Stanford University's School of Medicine, says that to spot these children, she looks for visible signs of stress to understand what might have happened to them and how best to intervene. Some kids have nightmares or recurring thoughts of a stressful event, she says, or may re-enact the trauma through play. Or the child may seem distracted or withdrawn.

"This will come out at school," Kletter says. "Teachers will tell parents [their child] seems to be in a daze in the classroom, not paying attention."

ACEs Increase Health Risks

According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for various health problems later.

https://i.postimg.cc/jSdP4cWZ/aces-2-custom.jpg
Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Credit: Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

Kletter says reactions to trauma are sometimes misdiagnosed as symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, because kids dealing with adverse experiences may be impulsive — acting out with anger or other strong emotions.

"It's something that's very common in trauma: difficulty in regulating emotions and behavior," she explains. "That's why a lot of these kids get in trouble with the classroom."

Shonkoff's research center at Harvard tests interventions that can build resilience in kids (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2014/06/10/peds.2013-2475.abstract?sid=0efeb078-1ed5-41b0-ba61-8fa71ad359c1) who are growing up with adverse experiences — not just problems in the family, such as those the ACE study investigated, but also trauma stemming from poverty, for example, or from the chronic stress of racial or gender discrimination.

To bolster parents, the Harvard team is testing interventions right now that use video coaching to show moms and dads how to engage their babbling infants, using sounds and facial expressions in a style Shonkoff calls serve and return (http://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/multimedia/videos/three_core_concepts/serve_and_return/).

Shonkoff says these early interactions — a kind of conversation — have been shown to help children with later learning and literacy. Even more important, they boost kids' resilience, by helping them build secure attachments with caring adults. Research suggests that just one (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17347353) caring, safe relationship early in life gives any child a much better shot at growing up healthy.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean


Well, that was depressing.

[Orema]

More on the ACE Scores.

https://americanspcc.org/take-the-aces-quiz/

The quiz score is based on ten types of childhood trauma measured in the ACE Study.

Five are personal — physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect, and emotional neglect.

Five are related to other family members: a parent who’s an alcoholic, a mother who’s a victim of domestic violence, a family member in jail, a family member diagnosed with a mental illness, and the disappearance of a parent through divorce, death or abandonment.

You get one point for each type of trauma. The higher your ACE score, the higher your risk of health and social problems.

As your ACE score increases, so does the risk of disease, social and emotional problems.

With an ACE score of 4 or more, things start getting serious. The likelihood of chronic pulmonary lung disease increases 390 percent; hepatitis, 240 percent; depression 460 percent; suicide, 1,220 percent.

The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: If you experienced other types of toxic stress over months or years, then those would likely increase your risk of health consequences.
Fortunately, our brains and lives are somewhat plastic, which means our mental and physical health can improve. The appropriate integration of resilience factors born out of ACE concepts — such as asking for help, developing trusting relationships, forming a positive attitude, listening to feelings — can help people improve their lives.
____________________

And here’s a link to a Ted Talk by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris on how childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXXTLf7oouU&t

[cathexis]

The survey failed to address children whose parent put their kids in a psychiatric hospital during the formative years (puberty age 11-14). That is an experience that molds from then on.

Its an experience that can could effect every day and every activity. It effects each and every thought.

No shrink, counselor, religion, god can help get through this. Few meds give release, some street drugs, nothing liquid helps.

Anyone have a severe lack of the ability to speak or do any activity wout significant planning? Spontaneity gone?

[Kätzchen]

The last time you-know-who was in office (during Covid-19 era), I was triggered daily by the raunchy nasal voiced creep who was ‘elected’ to be the president of our country. It’s no different today but I will say I don’t know how long I can withstand the relentless BS his 2.0 version of presidency I can stand. I can’t stand by and let this A-hole rob me of my life by triggering me with his narcissism (I’ve been in a prior relationships with a narcissist — scary stuff). I still can hardly believe what his political party and co-conspirators are getting away with in our country.

Where’s the fucking outrage?
When will these law breakers become outcasts and be dethroned altogether?
Why are Americans letting him get away with this?


I’m glad our northern and southern neighboring countries are not putting up with his fucking BS.

I feel betrayed by others in our country because they’d rather have a felon and book cooker and sex predator for a president.

He’s not my president. Not now, not ever.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

The last time you-know-who was in office (during Covid-19 era), I was triggered daily by the raunchy nasal voiced creep who was ‘elected’ to be the president of our country. It’s no different today . . .

I was at a memorial on Sunday and there were lots of people there that I have known for a long time. There seemed to be a consensus that everyone is limiting the amount of time they can listen to the news daily. For most people it is under an hour a day. You-know-who is triggering everybody.

[Bèsame*]

I was at a memorial on Sunday and there were lots of people there that I have known for a long time. There seemed to be a consensus that everyone is limiting the amount of time they can listen to the news daily. For most people it is under an hour a day. You-know-who is triggering everybody.

https://quotefancy.com/media/wallpaper/thumb/7496866-Carlos-Santana-Quote-We-want-to-extend-an-invitation-to-healing.jpg