PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Apocalipstic]

I have been requested to start a thread on Trauma survival and recovery.

I looked up symptoms of PTSD as a place to start.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning
Elevated startle response
Blunted affect, psychic numbing
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way)
Interruption of memory and concentration
Depression
Generalized anxiety
Violent eruptions of rage
Substance abuse
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks
Insomnia
Suicidal ideation
Survivor guilt


Thoughts?

[Apocalipstic]

During my life I have experienced most of the symptoms of PTSD. Some worse than others.

I will post more after I see what kind of sharing I feel comfortable with here.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yes, I suffer from PTSD. I went to counseling for this. It is from my childhood at the hands of my bio-father. He is my tormentor. I have always tried to be forgiving because I believe that there is power in forgiveness, but I am not quite there yet.

I am so horribly tortured from guilt for not protecting my sisters. They came to me for protection. I tried to stand up to my father, and in turn, I was threatened and beaten, and ...

This is a good thread. I would like to see what others say as well.

[Apocalipstic]

Yes, I suffer from PTSD. I went to counseling for this. It is from my childhood at the hands of my bio-father. He is my tormentor. I have always tried to be forgiving because I believe that there is power in forgiveness, but I am not quite there yet.

I am so horribly tortured from guilt for not protecting my sisters. They came to me for protection. I tried to stand up to my father, and in turn, I was threatened and beaten, and ...

This is a good thread. I would like to see what others say as well.

I feel lot's of guilt too, and often I am not sure for what exactly, just guilt.

[Jet]

Nice informative thread, thanks for starting it. Personally, I lost 17 years to PTSD..the "S" meaning shock not stress. My trauma occured in one night. I suffered adrenal shock and lost 18 pounds over three days from shock; the doctors couldn't believe it. It's been a long road and there was never relief and no cure other than reliving it and facing what happened. It's taken a year to do just that. i should have died, but didn't. My hair changed color in 5 minutes; I lost pigmentation due to shock in my system.

Two things: prayer (lots of prayer) and a medicine to get me through the moments. My only regret is that my mom isn't alive to see me come through. 2010 is going to be a great year because I'm reclaiming my person and my life. But the thing is, I'd just as soon leave this world having been through this. I'm not one for wanting to live and i have to because I'm Catholic. I'm not invensted in life or anything it has to offer including a relationship. I've pretty much relinquished everything. A lot was taken from me and I'm not sure I can reclaim all of it. If not, i'm okay with that..

[atomiczombie]

I have been requested to start a thread on Trauma survival and recovery.

I looked up symptoms of PTSD as a place to start.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning [check]
Elevated startle response [check]
Blunted affect, psychic numbing [check]
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) [only in the car when I feel the driver is going too fast or being dangerous and I am scared out of my mind]
Interruption of memory and concentration [check]
Depression [check]
Generalized anxiety [check]
Violent eruptions of rage [nope]
Substance abuse [recovering 24 years]
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety [check]
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks [check]
Insomnia [check]
Suicidal ideation [nope]
Survivor guilt [check]


Thoughts?

My answers are in red. I will come back and say more later.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I am more "verbal" online than I am in real time. In real time I am very quiet and shy. I just feel the need to protect myself at all times. When you come from a violent childhood, you understand. Violence can be verbal, physical, emotional, intellectual, and sexual abuse. Basic dysfunction all the way around.

I will never understand why my mother never stood up to her husband. Never helped her kids. It blows my mind. When folks talk about how wonderful their families are...I just wonder what that really means.

[Apocalipstic]

Nice informative thread, thanks for starting it. Personally, I lost 17 years to PTSD..the "S" meaning shock not stress. My trauma occured in one night. I suffered adrenal shock and lost 18 pounds over three days from shock; the doctors couldn't believe it. It's been a long road and there was never relief and no cure other than reliving it and facing what happened. It's taken a year to do just that. i should have died, but didn't. My hair changed color in 5 minutes; I lost pigmentation due to shock in my system.

Two things: prayer (lots of prayer) and a medicine to get me through the moments. My only regret is that my mom isn't alive to see me come through. 2010 is going to be a great year because I'm reclaiming my person and my life. But the thing is, I'd just as soon leave this world having been through this. I'm not one for wanting to live and i have to because I'm Catholic. I'm not invensted in life or anything it has to offer including a relationship. I've pretty much relinquished everything. A lot was taken from me and I'm not sure I can reclaim all of it. If not, i'm okay with that..

I am not familiar with adrenal shock, will have to look up. It sounds horrible and I am so sorry you still have the feelings and symptoms you do.

I do understand the being OK with not being alive any more. I feel like that so much too.


My answers are in red. I will come back and say more later.

Thank you for answering AZ, I have or have had all of the symptoms too.

I am more "verbal" online than I am in real time. In real time I am very quiet and shy. I just feel the need to protect myself at all times. When you come from a violent childhood, you understand. Violence can be verbal, physical, emotional, intellectual, and sexual abuse. Basic dysfunction all the way around.

I will never understand why my mother never stood up to her husband. Never helped her kids. It blows my mind. When folks talk about how wonderful their families are...I just wonder what that really means.

You know Andrew, we are about the same age. Things were different for women then, maybe she was as scared as you were.

In my case the biggest trauma that my father either killed or contributed heavily to the death of my mother and we moved to the United States in 4 days on the plane with her casket and never went home. My father was incredibly abusive always and we never mentioned my mother again. I lived in complete fear. Every day of every minute.

I broke ties with my father completely 11 years ago, and when he died last January had not seen him in 10 years...until after he died. I . see . him . everywhere . now. He is in my dreams, he is at the park looking at me, he is in my head.

I have a definite family phobia too. I get that completely.

Thank you all for sharing, I know its so difficult to even think about.

[Surayna]

Thanks for this thread!

I broke ties with my father at my grandmothers funeral just over 5 years ago.

I've limited the ties with my mother since her suicide attempt just over 3 years ago.

My story kind of fits between this thread and the adoption thread. While I wasn't adopted, I was placed for adoption at age 3. My parents backed out because my fathers parents wanted to be the ones to adopt me. They were the only ones who ever truly loved me unconditionally in my family.

Instead of being raised by my grandparents my contact with them was limited while I was abused - severely - by my father for many years. At age 14, I was finally placed with my grandparents after my father tried to kill me.

I still deal with a lot of anger over the whole situation, and overall on a day to day basis it doesn't affect me too much any more, but around the holidays it can be quite depressing.

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with now is having to relive a lot of it after leaving an abusive relationship. It took me some time to let go of things again after that partner threw a lot of my past abuse in my face during our breakup. It was uncalled for, and lower than low.

I spent a lot of years working with adoptee's and birth parents doing locates and reunions for people looking for their birth families. I eventually quit that line of work because it was heart breaking.

Over the years I have made a lot of progress dealing with the issues from the abuse, but these darn Holidays can still be quite difficult.

Thanks again for this thread. I think if we talk about it, put a name to it and a voice to it, it is easier to heal - at least it is for me.

Surayna

[Andrew, Jr.]

Oh my father, my tormentor, is dying. I have tried to be forgiving. It is something that I am working on. However, as I have gotten older, I still am not there yet. He has single handedly destroyed so much of life. He is always in my head. Always. However, I have a place for him. He is there. Not here. When you get to that place, it is pure joy. The inner peace is precious. Believe me.

Now you have to remember I have a horrible case of ocd. In having ocd, it is all about obsession and compulsion. That is something that I have inherited from my father. Both my father and uncle have ocd too, but not nearly as bad as mine is. It comes out worse in those further down the line. So my father is a huge obsession of mine. Huge. However, I have a place for him. Sometimes it comes out when I have contact with him. And everything goes to hell in a second.

A long story short, my father came at me one time. He had a huge chip on his shoulder, and was just mad at the world. And my father hates me. There is nothing about me that he even likes. Nothing. With that said, this behavior does not surprise me. I sort of expect it from him. Anyway, I had asked my mother for help wrapping gifts for Rosie, and my nieces & nephews. She was thrilled to do it. Well, he was furious. And he took the main bag of toys from my mother's hands (literally tearing the bag from her hands hurting her) and throwing it at me. Then he went outside after being dazed, and helping my mother who was crying, only to find out he ripped out the wiring to my car, trying to isolate me there. Well, I just called Rosie. She came and got me, and the gifts.

Or I can tell you about the time he held a knife to me. Or left out his hunting rifle and shells knowing he wants me to do what my younger brother did. See if you don't play the game, you are not rewarded. Sick isn't it? I don't play his game. I refuse too.

[atomiczombie]

Oh my father, my tormentor, is dying. I have tried to be forgiving. It is something that I am working on. However, as I have gotten older, I still am not there yet. He has single handedly destroyed so much of life. He is always in my head. Always. However, I have a place for him. He is there. Not here. When you get to that place, it is pure joy. The inner peace is precious. Believe me.

Now you have to remember I have a horrible case of ocd. In having ocd, it is all about obsession and compulsion. That is something that I have inherited from my father. Both my father and uncle have ocd too, but not nearly as bad as mine is. It comes out worse in those further down the line. So my father is a huge obsession of mine. Huge. However, I have a place for him. Sometimes it comes out when I have contact with him. And everything goes to hell in a second.

A long story short, my father came at me one time. He had a huge chip on his shoulder, and was just mad at the world. And my father hates me. There is nothing about me that he even likes. Nothing. With that said, this behavior does not surprise me. I sort of expect it from him. Anyway, I had asked my mother for help wrapping gifts for Rosie, and my nieces & nephews. She was thrilled to do it. Well, he was furious. And he took the main bag of toys from my mother's hands (literally tearing the bag from her hands hurting her) and throwing it at me. Then he went outside after being dazed, and helping my mother who was crying, only to find out he ripped out the wiring to my car, trying to isolate me there. Well, I just called Rosie. She came and got me, and the gifts.

Or I can tell you about the time he held a knife to me. Or left out his hunting rifle and shells knowing he wants me to do what my younger brother did. See if you don't play the game, you are not rewarded. Sick isn't it? I don't play his game. I refuse too.

Andrew, :gimmehug: brother. How hellacious and inexcusable of your dad to do that to you. You are a person who deserves respect. When he behaves this way the important thing to understand and keep in mind is that what he has done to you has nothing really to do with who you are. It about his being fucked up, not you. HE is the one with the problem, not YOU. It took me years of therapy to understand that about my older brother.

[Jet]

Andrew and anyone else...

Did you ever see the Twilight Zone where the guy walked through the propeller of a jet to prove it really wasn't there?

That's whats its like facing demons and memories. That's how I faced mine. I confronted the day, the night, the episode, the pain the memory to find it couldn't hurt me anymore. Sometimes it takes the help of a therapist to walk with, other times just yourself. It takes courage and stesdiness. Make it a goal and you'll overcome by chipping away at the trauma...just my experience. it was killing me and my life was spiraling out of control until I decided to face it head on. No medicine, no therapy alone helped. And remember, whether you believe in God or not...I promise He's with you.

[Gemme]

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning
Elevated startle response
Blunted affect, psychic numbing (check)
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) (check)
Interruption of memory and concentration
Depression (check) Generalized anxiety
Violent eruptions of rage (check)
Substance abuse
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks (check)
Insomnia
Suicidal ideation (check) Survivor guilt

[atomiczombie]

I grew up with an older brother who verbally, emotionally and physically abused me all though my childhood years. He beat me, humiliated me in front of other kids, called me stupid, fat, ugly, a bitch, and lots of other nasty things. I was his whipping post, a nuisance, a source of irritation, and someone to wipe his dirty feet on. My feelings didn't exist for him. All that existed for him was the delight and laughter he got from abusing me.

When I was seven, he pinned me down to the floor by sitting on my chest with his knees. I could hardly breathe and he thought it was funny and laughed. Sometimes he would pin me down and tickle me to the point of utter torture.

As we grew older, the violence became more amplified. I started to fight back. I never won any of the fights, of course. He is four years older than me and way bigger and stronger. I remember one time he had me on the floor in the kitchen and he was kicking me. I grabbed a knife from the knife block in the kitchen for self defense. He wrestled it away from me, then proceeded to try to plunge it into my face. I grabbed his wrist and pushed with every ounce of strength in my body to stop him. I remember thinking at that moment, 'maybe it would be easier if I just let go and let him do it'.

I was suicidal and hated myself throughout my childhood. My parents didn't understand what he was doing to me and downplayed it as just kids bickering. I felt abandoned by them and like nobody loved me. I was suicidal and depressed. I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain.

At 15, I went to drug rehab and the violence between my brother and I stopped. He just decided to stop the beatings for some reason. I was depressed for years after that. Part if that was my gender issue, and part was my family history. At age 25 I went into counseling. By my late 20's I started to see that I was abused, and it wasn't my fault. That changed me greatly, like a huge burden was lifted. I came out as gay, another burden lifted. I was doing a lot better.

Then I got involved with my ex-wife. She was sweet at first but once we moved in together, she changed. She started to criticize me. She hated my being butch, my weight, my job and questioned my intelligence. She told me I was fat and ugly. I felt all the pangs of pain and being silenced that I did as a kid. It took me years to finally stand up for myself and end it. I went back into counseling and got a lot stronger in myself and developed more self-regard.

On December 1, 2007, in the middle of the night, a fire broke out in my apartment. I barely got an armful of clothes, my cell phone and computer and got out alive. Had I not been awake while still in bed, reading, I would not have gotten out. The fire spread and engulfed my apartment inside of 5 minutes. I knocked on my neighbors door and got them out. It was 30 degrees outside, and I was in my pajamas. I put my shoes, socks and hooded sweater on in the driveway, and called 911 about 2 minutes after I was out of the house. The firefighters came about 6 minutes later, and the house was engulfed. I was panicked. I was stunned. I was in shock. My mood kept shifting from terror, to panic, then to shock and numbness. I stood out there in the cold for three hours while the firefighters put out the fire and cleared out my apartment. At about 5 a.m. I drove out to my parents house in Rio Vista, an hour or so away.

The next day my landlord let me go in and see the damage first hand. Nothing in the living room or kitchen survived. My bedroom had extensive heat and smoke damage. I got a few things out of there that I could salvage, and the rest I just left. All my most precious possessions were gone: my grandparents couch, dresser, coffee table, china hutch, my grandma's dishes, their lamp, everything that my kid ever made for me when she was little, pictures that were irreplaceable, things like that. My suit and tux were ruined. Most if my clothes were ruined. It was all gone.

Twelve days later my girlfriend broke up with me. I was just finishing my trade school program for Medical Assisting. After graduating, I was treated like shit by my school, which had promised to help me get a job. They ignored my requests for help. I sent out TONS of resumes and made phone calls all over the place. I never got any replies. For four months I couldn't find a job. I was in a new apartment that I hated, that didn't feel like home. The new furniture and things I had bought, I felt no emotional attachment to. I was just numb and stunned.

By the time summer came around, I started getting this crazy germ phobia. I couldn't touch any garbage, even to throw it away. I couldn't touch dirty dishes, to clean them. I resorted to buying paper plates and forks to avoid doing dishes. Then I became agoraphobic. I was afraid to leave my apartment, for any reason. I slept all day and was awake all night, being afraid to sleep at night. I stopped showering. I stayed in my pajamas all day and night. My apartment became piled with garbage that I couldn't touch. I even stopped going to the grocery store, so I was eating crackers after a while, and not much else. By October 2008, my parents insisted that I move in with them so they could care for me. I just couldn't care for myself anymore.

I isolated myself from all my friends. I was afraid to answer my phone, because I was scared it would be bad news that I just couldn't deal with. I just stopped answering it. I stopped posting on the butch-femme websites. I basically fell off the face of the earth.

I was like this for a year. For a whole year the only times I left the house were to go to see my therapist, my psychiatrist, or my step-daughter. Other than that, it was too stressful to leave the house. I would freak out and shake and cry when just thinking about going out. After a while, I started going to bed by 3 am instead of 6 am, and getting up at noon or 1 pm instead of 5 pm. I got out a little more, but only when my folks were with me. In September they took me on a trip to Oregon for a few days vacation, and I had panic attacks virtually the whole time we were there.

Finally, in October of this year, I felt better and somewhat less panicked. I had a med change that has helped I think. Now I get out a lot more, but it is still hard for me to leave the house alone. I shower every day, exercise several days a week, and I am once again interacting with the rest of the world.

I am not out of the woods yet. I still have anxiety and sometimes feel panicky. However, my impending transition and starting T is something I have to look forward to and that helps me psychologically a whole lot. Each day I am getting better and I am grateful for that.

[Rockinonahigh]

I have been requested to start a thread on Trauma survival and recovery.

I looked up symptoms of PTSD as a place to start.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning --to some degree,much less than before
Elevated startle response --yes
Blunted affect, psychic numbing --yes
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) --not to much
Interruption of memory and concentration --yep,hate it cause it messes me up in being able to finish what i was doing.
Depression --geneticaly predispositiomed for it,so far not to much,light therapy helps lots.
Generalized anxiety --depends on how u look at it
Violent eruptions of rage ...not in the lasr 20years
Substance abuse --no way
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety --nope
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks --mild for of it
Insomnia --on again,off again
Suicidal ideation ..nope thank goodness
Survivor guilt--yes.why my twin lived when she out weighed me by 3 pounds at birth


Thoughts?

thinking bout this.
Rockin

[Rockinonahigh]

AZ.
u are doing a great job of takeing it one day at the time,ive been in some of the places u have and know how hard it is to deal with or get past them.One step at the time ok..pm me if u want..anytime.
Rockin

[Andrew, Jr.]

Atomic and Ol'Jet,

Thank you for your kind words and support. I could rattle on and on telling you stories that would make the hairs on the back of your neck just stand up on end. Yes, my father is sick. I know and accept this. That is why I am at the point of forgiveness. Forgiveness is powerful in and of itself. But like I said before I am working on this every day. It is like being online here - we can agree to disagree on whatever issue is being talked about. With my father, he had to be the one who was always right. I was wrong. In the end, does it really matter? No. It isn't a matter of winning every argument. For some, it is. And that is where the disfunction is.

Nobody deserves to be abused. No person, male or female or whatever gender id'ed. Never.

Peace,
Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

I wanted to check in, and see how everyone was doing. I hope Christmas was good for everyone here. You all were in my prayers, and still are.

Be safe, be well, and be peaceful.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Christmas was stressful but thankfully is over for another year!

I have noticed that when other people act badly I feel like I need to change myself so they will maybe act better. Does anyone else do this?

[Andrew, Jr.]

No, I really don't.

When I was younger, and my father was in one of his moods and either verbally abusive and/or physically violent (like hitting me and leaving his handprint on my face, leg, arm, etc.), I wouldn't get emotional or acted out against him. Instead, I withdrew and became quiet and shy.

I too am glad Christmas is overwith. It is one less day I have to deal with it, and everything involved with my bio-family.

[friskyfemme]

I just want to let you know that I didn't forgive my father until 5yrs after he died. I think that my not forgiving him made me strong. It was my sense of power over him and what he represented to me. I had no interaction with him other than forced visits until I was 18 yrs old (my parents divorced when I was 15 yrsold. My dad died a horrible death beteen his cirrohis of his liver to kidney shutdown his heart actually burst. He died alone in his apartment. I didn't have a bit of sympathy for his demise. I did feel relief. Because for me, my dad had been dead to me for years ad finally it came to be real. I didn't cry for him. Until after he died, I never could cry. My dad always sighted crying as weakness and I wasn't about to ever show him my weakness. Now I am no longer bitter about him, but it took many years after his death for me to get there. Looking back I see I struggled to get my Bachelor's Degree because my Dad told me I was a no good 'c___t' and never would mount to anything. So, do what is good for you!:clap::clap:

[Andrew, Jr.]

FF,

My father tells anyone who cries that they are cry babies. I actually had to look it up in the dictionary to figure out what he was saying. It wasn't in there. I ended up asking my older brother what our father was telling us. My brother told me to just ignore him.

My father is dying a very slow, death. I just pity him. He is not a man, but a weak human being. He can throw anything my way, and I just catch it and throw it back to him. Let him deal with it because I am long done playing that game.

Life is for the living, and to be lived. :golf:

Andrew
:bbq::tanning::bedfuck::waterski:

[Jet]

For the past several weeks I've relived a severe trauma that pretty much destroyed my life. To be honest, there have been moments that I didn't think I was going to make it through. Events have surfaced from the sub-conscience to the conscience and it is riveting to put it mildly. Since so much of this is fear based and deeply emotional, it's daunting to move through memories and keep my head on straight. I don't feel like myself; not even the same person. Worse, I think the damage is irreparable. For a long time I believed that I could beat this thing by purging the memories and the shock associated with them from my system. I feel like I've changed on the inside and I don't think the me that I knew will ever return. That saddens me beyond words. I can't help wondering who I'll be through the course of time after enduring hell for so long.

[Dragonfly]

Christmas was stressful but thankfully is over for another year!

I have noticed that when other people act badly I feel like I need to change myself so they will maybe act better. Does anyone else do this?

Yes. I do this so much that people get angry at me if I DONT. They all expect it of me. I was the scapegoat and the peacemaker. I was the black sheep and the go-to for help person. I have struggled with PTSD since I was 11 years old. My story is a looong one meaning the traumatic things were not just happening at home in my childhood.... it really means a lot to read everyone else opening up but I dont want to share mine right now.

I will wait until I am in "that place" already in my mind. No sense in triggering myself while I am dealing with this break up and this emotional abuse I am currently getting daily. So far, with said person at work, it has been emotionally relaxed day. When you get that peace you hang onto it and avoid the "victim" feeling and panic attacks if you can.

Threads like this one are a big reason I come to online community. I am not told here that I "am gay because of these traumas" by the people here. No one tries to fix me and make me want to be hetero here. My queerness was not a result or caused by my life. I would be asexual if that were true because the traumas werent caused by one gender, or even one race...

Thank you everybody here for that acceptance and kindness.

[friskyfemme]

Yes. I do this so much that people get angry at me if I DONT. They all expect it of me. I was the scapegoat and the peacemaker. I was the black sheep and the go-to for help person... while I am dealing with this break up and this emotional abuse I am currently getting daily.

I totally relate to your state of mind. I had several abuses following my childhood and my father. I thought until I was in my mid-thirties it was my purpose in life to take on everyone's dysfunction to create 'peace' from chaos. Then I found myself. A 'me' that deserved and commanded respect from my family. I realized that I was taking on everyone else's stuff so I didn't have to deal with my own. I finally put myself first. It felt selfish and self absorbed at first, but in the end I have the respect and love of my family with all their quirks. I still deal with some of the tragedy. But I am determined I will die, in peace. :riding2::grandpiano:

[Dragonfly]

Exactly! I barely see my family because I cut those dysfunctional expectations out of my life. I am still in the feel selfish stage. I know in my head that I am doing what I need to do by avoiding them... but it takes longer to UNDO that "role" than it took for them to lock me into it. Holidays are harder even though I thought it was going to make it easier. I should have expected them to be healthier... rather than easier.

Seems less selfish to think I am doing this for their good also. An enabler I was letting them continue to harm themselves and that helps me every day to think its not just "for me". I also have two teens who have been catching on for a few years... and getting angry in my defense. I think of doing what is right as a role model for my two and my four nephews. I dont want them to be dragged into it and influenced. I dont want the cycle to infect our next generation growing up.

The buck stops here...

[HeartBreak Kid]

For the past several weeks I've relived a severe trauma that pretty much destroyed my life. To be honest, there have been moments that I didn't think I was going to make it through. Events have surfaced from the sub-conscience to the conscience and it is riveting to put it mildly. Since so much of this is fear based and deeply emotional, it's daunting to move through memories and keep my head on straight. I don't feel like myself; not even the same person. Worse, I think the damage is irreparable. For a long time I believed that I could beat this thing by purging the memories and the shock associated with them from my system. I feel like I've changed on the inside and I don't think the me that I knew will ever return. That saddens me beyond words. I can't help wondering who I'll be through the course of time after enduring hell for so long.

This touched me Jet, I know how Horrifying reliving past trauma can be especially when u thought u had forgot it, or pushed it so far down it didn't exist any more. I spend more days with my revolver than I'd like to admit because the bile being spewed from my subconscious is worse than the initial Trauma. I can't even close my eyes anymore and have since given up the prectice of sleep. I know I have changed, and I Know I'm broken, but I have Hope for you. You seem strong enough, tough enough, to come through this changed but not damaged.
I wish we are were so lucky
Peace and Love Jet Hon!

[atomiczombie]

I am starting to get worse again. New Year's Eve I was supposed to spend with my daughter, but she sent me a text asking that I not come, because she wanted to spend it alone with her boyfriend. I know its not about me. She is a teenager and just wants to spend all her time with him. First real love for her. I get it. It still hurt me a lot. Then my dad started having heart problems and went in the hospital for 5 days with an arrythmia and congestive heart failure. Now he has to have an operation to have his aortic valve replaced. I am freaked out about it.

Now it's hard to get out of the house again. I have stopped exercising. I am staying in my pajamas all day when I don't go out. When I do leave the house, I shake and stammer and stutter. I feel all jittery and want to just go home. Go home and hide from the world. I don't even want to think of transitioning anymore, its all too overwhelming and scary. This is a hard set back, because I was feeling so good before. So hopeful. Now I am just scared and overwhelmed. And very lonely.

[PearlsNLace]

Without going into the details of why I relate to this thread, I will just say YUP, know those symptoms all to well.

Therapy, and meds when necessary, have both helped. It has also helped to have periods when NOT in therapy or on meds. I go back to them if/when I get into that isolative, unable to face day to day tasks, get out of the jammies/take a shower kinds of periods. Of wich, I am happy to report, have happened with less and less frequency over the years, and even more rare now with active involvement in a 12 step program that somehow provides tools that work even with the flashbacks.

Learning to take accountability for who I am TODAY, without seeing myself as resulting soley on the horrors of my earlier years really has been freeing. Its a balance of honoring what I have been through, without secrets or shame, vs not being defined by that trauma.

Pearls

[Andrew, Jr.]

Atomic,

I also stutter. It is another thing to toss in the mix of things I have going.

Andrew

[Jet]

I am starting to get worse again. New Year's Eve I was supposed to spend with my daughter, but she sent me a text asking that I not come, because she wanted to spend it alone with her boyfriend. I know its not about me. She is a teenager and just wants to spend all her time with him. First real love for her. I get it. It still hurt me a lot. Then my dad started having heart problems and went in the hospital for 5 days with an arrythmia and congestive heart failure. Now he has to have an operation to have his aortic valve replaced. I am freaked out about it.

Now it's hard to get out of the house again. I have stopped exercising. I am staying in my pajamas all day when I don't go out. When I do leave the house, I shake and stammer and stutter. I feel all jittery and want to just go home. Go home and hide from the world. I don't even want to think of transitioning anymore, its all too overwhelming and scary. This is a hard set back, because I was feeling so good before. So hopeful. Now I am just scared and overwhelmed. And very lonely.

I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you're in a depression. Have you called your doctor to give you meds or readjust them? I wouldn't about transitioning at right now. That is life changing will require a lot of focus
and decision making. I think it may too much right now. First things first and one thing at time.

Call the doc. Get your meds and get what you need to get adjusted so that you feel better. Okay? And one more thing, you're not alone. Do you have friends you can call? And make sure you're eating right.

[Jet]

I have been requested to start a thread on Trauma survival and recovery.

I looked up symptoms of PTSD as a place to start.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning
Elevated startle response
Blunted affect, psychic numbing
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way)
Interruption of memory and concentration
Depression
Generalized anxiety
Violent eruptions of rage
Substance abuse
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks
Insomnia
Suicidal ideation
Survivor guilt


Thoughts?

Did it ever mention "body flashbacks?" Like you not only remember, but your body feels the experience?

[Selenay]

Did it ever mention "body flashbacks?" Like you not only remember, but your body feels the experience?

These are also called somatic memories.

[Semantics]

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1994, when I was seventeen years old.

My worst symptoms are hypervigilance, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, and emotional avoidance.
I also have survivor guilt, although that one is tricky because the person I survived was also the perpetrator of the trauma. Once I got over the initial relief that he could no longer hurt me, the guilt over the fact that I should have somehow prevented his death set in. It's amazing to realize how many different things can be true at one time.

I've spent a lot of time feeling embarrassed about it and I'm done with that now. I've adapted, for the most part, and I have decent coping skills.

I can't date, though. I know I've joked with some of you about why I don't date, but the real reason is I just can't function in a relationship.

Yet. I still have hope for someday I'm just not there yet. :)

[Rook]

After much thought, I suppose I could contribute here

I have been requested to start a thread on Trauma survival and recovery.

I looked up symptoms of PTSD as a place to start.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning {Check}
Elevated startle response {check, especially while Im asleep and someone wakes me abruptly}
Blunted affect, psychic numbing {Check, although this doesnt happen much unless Im very stressed}
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) {Checkcheck...i'm really familiar to lame come-backs like 'this aint burger king, u cant always have it your way'}
Interruption of memory and concentration {Check}
Depression {Check}
Generalized anxiety
Violent eruptions of rage {check}
Substance abuse
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety {Definitely check}
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks {Check}
Insomnia {Check}
Suicidal ideation {Check}
Survivor guilt {Check}


Thoughts?

w/o getting into details, I'm in therapy, and medication for a few of my "issues"..
i've already tried anger management group therapy 3 times, i failed horridly but mostly because I simply didnt attend or slept through it [ they have a strange time for it in my area, saturdays/thursdays at 9 am...], the one time i showed "promise" was when i got into a so-called lively debate with a lady who was having a bad week with her kids.I'm young, and she 'transferred' that conflict on my opinion, I wasn't too impressed with the therapy, and most of those there were court-ordered and had to attend for some certification..-shrug-
If I dont take the 3 different sleep aid pills, I can easily go 48 hrs w/o sleep, I would generally stay up and about until my body pretty much collapsed from exhaustion...
I have to continuously be careful with other prescription meds because if something's not in order, I quickly get branded as suicidal, or purposely careless...
I have a so-called swiss cheese memory..And yet sometimes, the most subtle issue, topic or scent can trigger a hellacious flashback
And yes, I have days where I'm in such a state I refuse to do anything, not even budge from my bed..
Thankfully I have people around me that care enough to keep an eye on me during those times.
Oftentimes, whether I like it or not, if the individual is contrary with me, they usually wind up on a permanent shitlist
Im currently trying to convince myself to attend anonymous survivor group...
The rest, I'll skip...for now..
:candle::puertorico::candle:

[DELSDAUGHTER]

can this cause anxiety disorder......

[Selenay]

can this cause anxiety disorder......

PTSD is one form of anxiety disorder.

So no, it cannot cause an anxiety disorder, but it can be one itself.

Trauma, however (not sure which you were referring to in your question), can certainly cause any number of anxiety disorders.

[DELSDAUGHTER]

PTSD is one form of anxiety disorder.

So no, it cannot cause an anxiety disorder, but it can be one itself.

Trauma, however (not sure which you were referring to in your question), can certainly cause any number of anxiety disorders.



the reason i ask..is my daughter had a car accident about two years ago,,and since then has developed anxiety attacks.....is there anything someone can do to help a person thru one.....

[Outlaw]

A great book on the psychological consequences of traumatic life events is Trauma and Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman (http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=judith+lewis+herman+trauma+and+recovery&oe=utf-8&hl=en&cid=9801374237475177141&sa=title#p)

[DELSDAUGHTER]

A great book on the psychological consequences of traumatic life events is Trauma and Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman (http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=judith+lewis+herman+trauma+and+recovery&oe=utf-8&hl=en&cid=9801374237475177141&sa=title#p)

thank you for the feed back on the book.....

[Apocalipstic]

Did it ever mention "body flashbacks?" Like you not only remember, but your body feels the experience?

The book did not, but I experience this.

Sometimes, when I get a massage for example, its like trauma is stored in my muscles? I know that sounds weird.

Or something stressful will trigger me, like the holidays.

I have been having this newish thing done call Brain Spotting. it seems to be helping. Something to think about.

I sort of stutter, when I was a kid, my father would threaten me or hit me when I stuttered, so now I have weird pauses to keep from stuttering.
I pretend I can't think of the right word to say.

I have been having a hard time so far this year too. Lot's of old stuff coming up.

When I get spun out electrical stuff does not work around me, stuff jumps off walls, once a sword jumped off a shelf and stabbed into the floor straight up (the day I was on the way to the hospital for my hysterectomy). I check things over and over....I am way hyper vigilant, way high startle response...zero affect.

Anyway, thank you all for sharing.

Thinking about you all and hoping things ease up.

[Gemme]

Did it ever mention "body flashbacks?" Like you not only remember, but your body feels the experience?



These are also called somatic memories.

Thank you, Selly.

The book did not, but I experience this.

Sometimes, when I get a massage for example, its like trauma is stored in my muscles? I know that sounds weird.

Or something stressful will trigger me, like the holidays.

Our brains are so complex and so adaptable that they will do whatever it is that we need them to do in order to survive whatever traumatic event is happening, whether it be shutting down, zoning out/disassociating, hyper-focusing on one tiny, specific thing, turning things inward, or a thousand other coping mechanisms.

However, I believe that....while the brain can learn to protect and forgive and, if needed, forget....the body cannot. The body cannot forget the things done to it. For example, raised hands ellicit cringes or muscle tightening at least, even years after the last time that body was struck.

I don't think it's a bad thing, as it is a learned response to keep us safe, but it definitely can mess with someone....especially when we think we've had things under control and then something happens to remind us that we're not as in control as we thought.

*sigh*

[friskyfemme]

Exactly! I barely see my family because I cut those dysfunctional expectations out of my life. I am still in the feel selfish stage. I know in my head that I am doing what I need to do by avoiding them... but it takes longer to UNDO that "role" than it took for them to lock me into it. Holidays are harder even though I thought it was going to make it easier. I should have expected them to be healthier... rather than easier.

Seems less selfish to think I am doing this for their good also. An enabler I was letting them continue to harm themselves and that helps me every day to think its not just "for me". I also have two teens who have been catching on for a few years... and getting angry in my defense. I think of doing what is right as a role model for my two and my four nephews. I dont want them to be dragged into it and influenced. I dont want the cycle to infect our next generation growing up.

The buck stops here...
You are absolutely right! You are doing more than getting yourself healhy you are 'breaking the cycle'. Although it has taken 20yrs for my siblings to 'get it', their kids have been drawn to me- 'safehaven' It used to be said of me by my sibs that my dysfunction was I am queer. But my nieces and nephews don't even see my sexuality as different. I have been told by more than one of them that I am the only sane one in the family. I do talk to the older ones about helping the parents grow up. I also stress the importance of love, compassion, and keeping oneself intack. Like you, I hope that this will help heal my family.

[friskyfemme]

Throughout my life, I have actually ached physically to be loved by someone who loved me 'unconditionally'(whatever that means!). Everytime I have 'found' love, I have tested (challenged) that the person did indeed love me. If they did meet the 'test', I felt extreme anxiety that they would soon find me out (that I wasn't the 'wonderful' person they thought I was). I 'knew' they would evenutally see for theirself and leave me. So, I 'worn' them down until they finally did leave. If they didn't meet the 'test', I would leave.
Either way this would feed into my feeling of not being worthy! It has only been recently, that I have come to realize that this is seeded in my childhood not only of my father's abuse physical and emotional; but also my mother's inability to protect me and my sibs from his abuse.
I do know consciously that blaming others for my own inadequatecy; is only destructive. I also know consciously, that fostering an hidden image of being inadequate or unworthy is self defeating. However, burying this in my subconscious has kept me from being 'present' in a relationship. I am declaring now: I am WORTHY of forever love and I am going to ALLOW my forever lover to find and stay wih me. I don't expect this to happen overnight, but at least I am stepping out of the shadow of my past into the Light of my future .
You might be asking yourself-what happened to FF to inspire this unexpected transformation. The answer is YOU! All of YOU who have shared their PSTD struggles in this thread! You have forced me to look at my own hidden pain. THANK YOU! May Spirit wrap you in love and peace!
FF

[Leigh]

While I have never been diagnosed with PTSD, I see so much of Myself in many of you (especially Andrew and Atomic) and wanted to say thank you to all of you for being brave enough to share those most traumatic parts of life ........ your all heroes in My eyes :thumbsup:

[Jet]

The core emotions of my trauma and core of the trauma itself are surfacing. This took forever to face and purge. Facing my trauma and "returning" to make a new life is happening. Because of the nature of my trauma, I wasn't I could do face it. The odds of beating it were slim considering I should have died. Facing my stuff took medicine and lots of prayer.

[friskyfemme]

This touched me Jet, I know how Horrifying reliving past trauma can be especially when u thought u had forgot it, or pushed it so far down it didn't exist any more. I spend more days with my revolver than I'd like to admit because the bile being spewed from my subconscious is worse than the initial Trauma. I can't even close my eyes anymore and have since given up the prectice of sleep. I know I have changed, and I Know I'm broken, but I have Hope for you. You seem strong enough, tough enough, to come through this changed but not damaged.
I wish we are were so lucky
Peace and Love Jet Hon!

I am sorry you are broken. I know how that feels. But even still I won't give up on you putting yourself back together! Please refuse to allow yourself to stay broke. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to PM me if you would rather. I am a pretty good listener. I don't judge you. I strongly feel that you can heal. I will help if you allow me to. You are not here alone.

[Jet]

This touched me Jet, I know how Horrifying reliving past trauma can be especially when u thought u had forgot it, or pushed it so far down it didn't exist any more. I spend more days with my revolver than I'd like to admit because the bile being spewed from my subconscious is worse than the initial Trauma. I can't even close my eyes anymore and have since given up the prectice of sleep. I know I have changed, and I Know I'm broken, but I have Hope for you. You seem strong enough, tough enough, to come through this changed but not damaged.
I wish we are were so lucky
Peace and Love Jet Hon!


I didn't see this post until today. And I'm sorry I didn't because it's obvious you are in pain.

Here is what I would like to say to you:

I was spared the night of my trauma and spared again when I wanted to end my life. Finally, when nothing — and I mean nothing—worked and I hit bottom in my life, I said, to God "Okay, it's just you and me now. Either I'm going down the pike for good, or you're going to save my ass. Now what's it gonna be? Because you're my last hope."

I knew I was dying—from the inside out.

Well, it's been a year and a few months since the miracles and strength and courage and hope began for me. I have lived through horror over and over so I could cough it up and hand it to him. It scares the hell out of me. I'd like more than anything to claim that I'm one tough son-of-a-bitch, but I can't. I could not have pulled through this without God's help. And I'm still not quite done. Or I should say "we" are not done. But I'll tell you I'm feeling like me for the first time in 17 years, and that's huge because I'll be able to live again and do all the things I want to do.

What I'm trying to say to you is this: anything is possible with him. You could be guided to people you need, to the help or hope you need, you could suddenly find you have courage you didn't know you had, and you could discover, in a new light, that you have every right to life as he intended, and that you can make it because of the gifts and attributes he gave you. Most of all, you just may realize that you are worth the Almighty's time, and that makes you really important and loved.

But none of this will happen until you turn the worst of yours nightmares, trauma, terror, horror, and your demons over to him while you're dealing with trauma on this level. I'm not pushing God on anyone, but I believe it's arrogant to think that we are alone or so completely self-reliant and assured that we don't need a certain someone who knows all things and is more powerful than all things.

To often we give up too soon before he has a chance to work in our lives.
But I promise you, he'll put your broken spirit and heart back together in the most incredible ways if you let him.

[Canela]

I didn't see this post until today. And I'm sorry I didn't because it's obvious you are in pain.

Here is what I would like to say to you:

I was spared the night of my trauma and spared again when I wanted to end my life. Finally, when nothing — and I mean nothing—worked and I hit bottom in my life, I said, to God "Okay, it's just you and me now. Either I'm going down the pike for good, or you're going to save my ass. Now what's it gonna be? Because you're my last hope."

I knew I was dying—from the inside out.

Well, it's been a year and a few months since the miracles and strength and courage and hope began for me. I have lived through horror over and over so I could cough it up and hand it to him. It scares the hell out of me. I'd like more than anything to claim that I'm one tough son-of-a-bitch, but I can't. I could not have pulled through this without God's help. And I'm still not quite done. Or I should say "we" are not done. But I'll tell you I'm feeling like me for the first time in 17 years, and that's huge because I'll be able to live again and do all the things I want to do.

What I'm trying to say to you is this: anything is possible with him. You could be guided to people you need, to the help or hope you need, you could suddenly find you have courage you didn't know you had, and you could discover, in a new light, that you have every right to life as he intended, and that you can make it because of the gifts and attributes he gave you. Most of all, you just may realize that you are worth the Almighty's time, and that makes you really important and loved.

But none of this will happen until you turn the worst of yours nightmares, trauma, terror, horror, and your demons over to him while you're dealing with trauma on this level. I'm not pushing God on anyone, but I believe it's arrogant to think that we are alone or so completely self-reliant and assured that we don't need a certain someone who knows all things and is more powerful than all things.

To often we give up too soon before he has a chance to work in our lives.
But I promise you, he'll put your broken spirit and heart back together in the most incredible ways if you let him.



Amen!

That was such a powerful word you just shared Jet, and everything you said is true. God helped me overcome so much, and finally I received so much healing, self worth, my value in Him, not in my job or my car or how much I made, or who I was with, but as a woman, a child of God, a person set on this earth with a purpose and a spirit connected directly to Him.

I am praying for all of you to receive His healing power and grace, in Jesus name! Amen.

[Dragonfly]

Throughout my life, I have actually ached physically to be loved by someone who loved me 'unconditionally'(whatever that means!). Everytime I have 'found' love, I have tested (challenged) that the person did indeed love me. If they did meet the 'test', I felt extreme anxiety that they would soon find me out (that I wasn't the 'wonderful' person they thought I was). I 'knew' they would evenutally see for theirself and leave me. So, I 'worn' them down until they finally did leave. If they didn't meet the 'test', I would leave.
Either way this would feed into my feeling of not being worthy! It has only been recently, that I have come to realize that this is seeded in my childhood not only of my father's abuse physical and emotional; but also my mother's inability to protect me and my sibs from his abuse.
I do know consciously that blaming others for my own inadequatecy; is only destructive. I also know consciously, that fostering an hidden image of being inadequate or unworthy is self defeating. However, burying this in my subconscious has kept me from being 'present' in a relationship. I am declaring now: I am WORTHY of forever love and I am going to ALLOW my forever lover to find and stay wih me. I don't expect this to happen overnight, but at least I am stepping out of the shadow of my past into the Light of my future .
You might be asking yourself-what happened to FF to inspire this unexpected transformation. The answer is YOU! All of YOU who have shared their PSTD struggles in this thread! You have forced me to look at my own hidden pain. THANK YOU! May Spirit wrap you in love and peace!
FF




:gimmehug:Frisky!!!:gimmehug:

Just remember that there's gonna be days when you feel like you took two steps forward and three back. Dont focus on the mistake beat yourself up thoughts, but make it the oops try better next time thought. Give yourself some leeway and forgiveness that nothing happened to you in the past all overnight... and so this too don't expect immediate permanent changes overnight. Realizing is awesome and the first step. Just don't forget we are all still here to be supportive on those days when you get overwhelmed or are being hard on yourself. Everyone has a day when they think screw this its too hard/painful ect....

When I think of it as changing habits I think I am more able to act/think like I want to... and not act/think like I used to before I realized I needed to change. And I allow myself to backslip when I do... and accept its just a speed bump and not a huge wall of "no hope". Less pressure for me tends to help me be more successful in recovering.

[Andrew, Jr.]

For me, I know what hell is. There were many a times when I wanted to do the unthinkable. After being beaten by my father, or when he got me fired from my job, emptied my bank account, destroyed my car's engine after I paid for it, and the list goes on and on, after a while I went numb. It was like I wasn't even a human being. So I do know the feeling of being lost and worthlessness. Add onto that being called derrogatory names in school because I was slow, and failing. It still happens today. I am used to be calling retard or schizo. I shake my head. I will never understand. I can understand kids, but not adults. Again, that is just me and my perception.

Prayers helped then and now. That was all I had. Everyone who I could depend on, was too fearful to intervene. My father was/is mentally ill. That is about where I put it at.

Andrew

[Softly]

Thought i'd finally chime in here.

I am diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and also Bipolar
I am in therapy and on medication, which are both working beautifully together. I also attend a BP support group when I can, and I have a support system in my reach, including my wonderful partner, so I am in good hands all around.

I don't want to go into too much detail other than my diagnosis comes from years of sexual abuse from my step-father and mental/physical abuse from my mother. I didn't tell anyone until a few years ago. My mother took my step-fathers side in regards to the abuse even after he admitted it and left me and my sister behind. I never spoke to her again. it's been a little over 3 years. My sister, of course, is by my side and we are family and will always stick together. she and I are the only family we have now and it's alright because my mother was/is a poisenous person and I would her rather not be in my life.

I am happy now. so happy. and I encourage therapy for anyone who has to go through the ups and downs and the emotional rollercoasters. keep yourself around GOOD positive people and influences. keep positive, as much as you can.

xoxo to all of you. I want to say I LOVE YOU because I feel connected to each of your stories, but that's a bit much, don't ya think? lol

I HEART YOU ALL xoxo



Did it ever mention "body flashbacks?" Like you not only remember, but your body feels the experience?

Yes.

[Jet]

Thought i'd finally chime in here.

I am diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and also Bipolar
I am in therapy and on medication, which are both working beautifully together. I also attend a BP support group when I can, and I have a support system in my reach, including my wonderful partner, so I am in good hands all around.

I don't want to go into too much detail other than my diagnosis comes from years of sexual abuse from my step-father and mental/physical abuse from my mother. I didn't tell anyone until a few years ago. My mother took my step-fathers side in regards to the abuse even after he admitted it and left me and my sister behind. I never spoke to her again. it's been a little over 3 years. My sister, of course, is by my side and we are family and will always stick together. she and I are the only family we have now and it's alright because my mother was/is a poisenous person and I would her rather not be in my life.

I am happy now. so happy. and I encourage therapy for anyone who has to go through the ups and downs and the emotional rollercoasters. keep yourself around GOOD positive people and influences. keep positive, as much as you can.

xoxo to all of you. I want to say I LOVE YOU because I feel connected to each of your stories, but that's a bit much, don't ya think? lol

I HEART YOU ALL xoxo

All the best in your journey to recovery and stability.

[Jet]

I am also still on my recovery journey. And the rule of thumb for me and also reiterated by one of my
best friends, who is a psychotherapist, is that I have to "feel the feelings" as I move through my trauma. In my case, I suffer
from something closer to shell shock. The worst part of this is being in what I call my emotional "shock lock." This means that I have to stay
focused on relieving shock in my sternum/heart area by remembering and purging the event in chunks and pieces as they come up.

A long, difficult process. I'm so over this, I can't tell you. This thing has ruled and damn near killed and ruined my life.
Just when I think I have done enough work, it goes deeper or something else surfaces.
I wonder how many endings this thing will have before it's over. lol

[Gemme]

:gimmehug:Frisky!!!:gimmehug:

Just remember that there's gonna be days when you feel like you took two steps forward and three back. Dont focus on the mistake beat yourself up thoughts, but make it the oops try better next time thought. Give yourself some leeway and forgiveness that nothing happened to you in the past all overnight... and so this too don't expect immediate permanent changes overnight. Realizing is awesome and the first step. Just don't forget we are all still here to be supportive on those days when you get overwhelmed or are being hard on yourself. Everyone has a day when they think screw this its too hard/painful ect....

When I think of it as changing habits I think I am more able to act/think like I want to... and not act/think like I used to before I realized I needed to change. And I allow myself to backslip when I do... and accept its just a speed bump and not a huge wall of "no hope". Less pressure for me tends to help me be more successful in recovering.

This is a very valuable truth, Amelia, and thank you for saying it.

My issues stem from years and years of abuse.....literally, a decade's worth. So, there's no way, no matter what methods I use to try to come to grips with it and to recover from it, that it's going to happen within a small span of time.

What is it that they say about relationships, when they break up? It takes twice the length of the relationship to 'get over' your ex? If it takes twice the length of time for what someone may assume is a healthy relationship (for the majority of it, before the demise began), then how long could one reasonably assume would be a good time frame to recover from a completely unhealthy (and assumingly, unwanted) relationship? What about the likelihood that there were more than just one unhealthy relationships going on simultaneously? I know my relationship with my mother wasn't particularly healthy to begin with but add in the abuse from step-daddy-dearest and now what? How much time does each additional negative relationship add on?

I began putting myself back together after I extricated myself from BOTH relationships (making a ton of mistakes along the way, since it was me, myself and I going the path) when I was 19. Double that. 38. I'm not there yet and that would not be taking the residual, rippling effects caused by a single negative and harmful relationship into consideration.

*shakes head*

I am just flabbergasted by those who think it's easy to get over this shit.

Gobsmacked, even.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Gemme,

Yes I agree with you. I am offended and insulted when the folks who say "so what" like it is no big deal. Or come back with some rude remark about my past after digging for information. I had no idea that my life was to be an open book for everyone to read and judge. I think until you have someone holding a knife at your throat you will never understand.

[Canela]

I was a major depressant (clinically depressed) for almost 25 years. I tried all types of drugs and alcohol to self medicate the pain and abuse I endured as a child, teen and adult. I learned much later, that I chose the same type of people because it was old and familiar and the abuse which I hated but knew all too well was comfortable. Made me feel like home. Crazy huh? I had to find a way out of that vicious cycle when I had my children, thinking I could change their outcome. We have had to fight those struggles together, my children and I, but I thank God everyday that we have hope. It was hard, is hard somedays more than others. But we stand and fight most days. I wish I could say that I NEVER get depressed anymore but that would be a lie. I can tell you that I don't stay depressed, and that it has been such a relief to deal with things sober. It was not hard to give up the drugs and alcohol. It was harder to give up the thought processes, habits and hurts that kept me imprisoned in my own mind with that pain. It has no hold on me anymore, Praise God! And now I try to do my part to help others have hope, too. God bless you and heal you all!

[DELSDAUGHTER]

I was a major depressant (clinically depressed) for almost 25 years. I tried all types of drugs and alcohol to self medicate the pain and abuse I endured as a child, teen and adult. I learned much later, that I chose the same type of people because it was old and familiar and the abuse which I hated but knew all too well was comfortable. Made me feel like home. Crazy huh? I had to find a way out of that vicious cycle when I had my children, thinking I could change their outcome. We have had to fight those struggles together, my children and I, but I thank God everyday that we have hope. It was hard, is hard somedays more than others. But we stand and fight most days. I wish I could say that I NEVER get depressed anymore but that would be a lie. I can tell you that I don't stay depressed, and that it has been such a relief to deal with things sober. It was not hard to give up the drugs and alcohol. It was harder to give up the thought processes, habits and hurts that kept me imprisoned in my own mind with that pain. It has no hold on me anymore, Praise God! And now I try to do my part to help others have hope, too. God bless you and heal you all!

no its not crazy at all, what you said. I have met several people in my life that repeat the same choices and gravitate to the same type of people because it felt like the "norm" I had two very special people walk out of my life because things were "too good" My therapist said it was because it was not what they were used to ,having grown up in dysfunctional households and years of abuse. They said i was too good to them....
i appreciate the insight you have given me...

[Andrew, Jr.]

This shit is not easy to get over. Not by a long shot. We can deal with it, and have a decent life. But we really never get over it. I know for me, and my perspective - I can hardly wait for my bio-father to die. All he has shown me is everything the opposite of what unconditional love it. And that my friends is not what life is about.

[Canela]

no its not crazy at all, what you said. I have met several people in my life that repeat the same choices and gravitate to the same type of people because it felt like the "norm" I had two very special people walk out of my life because things were "too good" My therapist said it was because it was not what they were used to ,having grown up in dysfunctional households and years of abuse. They said i was too good to them....
i appreciate the insight you have given me...

Thank you DELSDAUGHTER and yes, it's like being conditioned by dysfunctional upbringing or experiences, you're always looking for that dysfunction to manifest itself SOMEWHERE in ANY and/or every area of your life...life, love, work, social, everywhere....no area off limits...

For me--I learned through God and ALL HIS GOODNESS that I didn't have to STAY in that mindset. (Therapy helped too, but not like prayer and faith.) You have to want it (change) I guess, you have to make a conscious (SP) effort to change our habits, our mode of thinking, our paranoia for instance, that keeps us thinking it's ALWAYS going to be like that, with EVERYONE. I read something here along the lines of 'since they'd never had a healthy, non-dysfunctional family, it was a foreign concept to experience one in their lives, via someone else. It was the same way for ME.

Thankfully, we have ALL learned to find a way out of the pain and abuse, and are on our way to healing, praise God! I see that in the posts I have read where we share our pain and experiences and then share how we are surviving. I have a saying, "everyday I open my eyes, I have another day to do something better than I did the day before". This saying is a part of what motivates me to keep going. That and the responsibility of being a mom and having someone needing me to be there, healthy and whole...and I plan to be. One day. If not, I hold on to the hope that I will continue on a pathway to healing and surviving more and more everyday. That this goal is attainable, and that it is a lifelong commitment that this commitment-phobe (that should say something)...lol...fully intends to keep.

I'm sure it's that way with all of us here, if we look, there's always some reasoning behind the motivation [survival] that gets us to sit up, prioritize ourselves and make a plan and decide to implement it, for our own best self. I'm rooting(sp)/praying for each and everyone of us to get to a healthy space in our hearts and lives through whatever means works for each of us.

Love and blessings to you!

[DELSDAUGHTER]

This shit is not easy to get over. Not by a long shot. We can deal with it, and have a decent life. But we really never get over it. I know for me, and my perspective - I can hardly wait for my bio-father to die. All he has shown me is everything the opposite of what unconditional love it. And that my friends is not what life is about.

i know exactly how you feel.......when my abusive bio dad died it was like a weight was lifted off of me...and i only had to live with it till i was nine....

all i can say is thank god for my step dad......

[DELSDAUGHTER]

Thank you DELSDAUGHTER and yes, it's like being conditioned by dysfunctional upbringing or experiences, you're always looking for that dysfunction to manifest itself SOMEWHERE in ANY and/or every area of your life...life, love, work, social, everywhere....no area off limits...

For me--I learned through God and ALL HIS GOODNESS that I didn't have to STAY in that mindset. (Therapy helped too, but not like prayer and faith.) You have to want it (change) I guess, you have to make a conscious (SP) effort to change our habits, our mode of thinking, our paranoia for instance, that keeps us thinking it's ALWAYS going to be like that, with EVERYONE. I read something here along the lines of 'since they'd never had a healthy, non-dysfunctional family, it was a foreign concept to experience one in their lives, via someone else. It was the same way for ME.

Thankfully, we have ALL learned to find a way out of the pain and abuse, and are on our way to healing, praise God! I see that in the posts I have read where we share our pain and experiences and then share how we are surviving. I have a saying, "everyday I open my eyes, I have another day to do something better than I did the day before". This saying is a part of what motivates me to keep going. That and the responsibility of being a mom and having someone needing me to be there, healthy and whole...and I plan to be. One day. If not, I hold on to the hope that I will continue on a pathway to healing and surviving more and more everyday. That this goal is attainable, and that it is a lifelong commitment that this commitment-phobe (that should say something)...lol...fully intends to keep.

I'm sure it's that way with all of us here, if we look, there's always some reasoning behind the motivation [survival] that gets us to sit up, prioritize ourselves and make a plan and decide to implement it, for our own best self. I'm rooting(sp)/praying for each and everyone of us to get to a healthy space in our hearts and lives through whatever means works for each of us.

Love and blessings to you!

well reading how you all are growing and living goodlives...gives me hope that those people that walked away will someday find their way to this same point you all have....thanks for including me in this conversation all of you....

[Canela]

I know this probably goes in the "quotes" thread, but I read it today and thought I would share it with all of us here...


A road well begun is the battle half won.
The important thing is to make a beginning
and get under way…

Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
Danish philosopher and writer

Love and blessings to you all,

Little Shug (f)

[HeartBreak Kid]

In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........:blues:

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

[Andrew, Jr.]

Heartbreak Kid,

I have heard of that before, but can't remember where from. It is anger turned inward = depression.

That is a horrible place to be. I think at one time or another we were all there. It just took so much energy and strength to live. And in living we are beating our abuser(s). They are the ones who failed us repeatedly.

Thank you for your post. It was so well stated. :goodpost:

God bless you,
Andrew
:pipe:

[Canela]

In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........:blues:

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~


Wow.

I read this and kept seeing flashes of my life pass thru my mind...self destructive, self mutilating, self loathing, suicidal--over 25 years--that was me...It was a vicious cycle and exactly like the last line of your post, the abuser in me wanted to kill the victim in me...until I finally gave up trying to fix everything myself and handed myself over to my higher power. And then, it was over. Praise God. But this post of yours is so right on. Wow.

I'm just kinda sitting here writing this in a haze...*s...but this too shall pass...

To me, honesty and reality are the best antidotes for lingering ghosts...

Thank you for sharing this.

[Canela]

Heartbreak Kid,

I have heard of that before, but can't remember where from. It is anger turned inward = depression.

That is a horrible place to be. I think at one time or another we were all there. It just took so much energy and strength to live. And in living we are beating our abuser(s). They are the ones who failed us repeatedly.

Thank you for your post. It was so well stated. :goodpost:

God bless you,
Andrew
:pipe:

I love this too, Andrew, "and in living we are beating our abuser(s)"...amen!

[Gemme]

HB Kid, I'm not familiar with Jaramillo's work, but it's true. The truly sinister part is that a lot of us don't realize what we are doing to ourselves until it's done.

For myself, I've sabotaged relationships, good things, time, good feelings in general, but especially my self feelings...self-worth, self-esteem, self-image...as a result of this inner abuse I put onto myself when it wasn't mine to do to begin with. My cup runneth over, they say, and I know that mine did and when it did, I did turn outward. I did rage. I did strike out, but not until I had filled me completely and had nowhere else to go.

The last line..."There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me."...is true for me, to a degree, even today.

[DELSDAUGHTER]

Thank you all for these posts...it is really opening my eyes..about a lot things
about my past as well as my past relationships..or should i say lack of....and is helping me understand the people i have been involved with.

do you find as a person that has lived thru such abuse and trauma that you tend to be a rescuer in a relationship?

[Gemme]

do you find as a person that has lived thru such abuse and trauma that you tend to be a rescuer in a relationship?

In the past, yes, I have been. That's no longer a role I'm interested in playing with adults. I still haven't gotten kids out of my system and honestly probably ever won't. I would move Heaven and earth to keep a kid from being abused or hurt.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I too would move heaven and earth to help a child. Anything for a child. The same for an animal, the elderly, the disabled.

But I am not a rescuer. Not by a long shot. I can barely take care of myself.

[DELSDAUGHTER]

i have found that the people i have dated that were in abusive homes when they were growing up.....tend to be just that "rescuers" And have always ended the relationship with me either because
A) i didn't need rescuing.(always been very self sufficient)
B) the relationship was too good, calm, lack of drama
C) have left the relationship for someone that was definitely in more need of rescuing then me...but oddly enough these women were always str8 and always had kids. And a common factor was they were really crappy parents...so i am not sure whether they were rescuing the mothers or the kids.
D) have said they didn't think they were good enough for me or couldn't live up to what i deserved.

[Dragonfly]

In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........:blues:

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~




I just wanted to thank you for this post. Some days, like today, a person really just needs to hear this coming from someone else... somewhere else... just so your soul knows beyond any doubt that you are not alone in the way you feel. To see proof that you aren't the only one who has to struggle not to do this to themselves.

[HeartBreak Kid]

"THIS" is NOT a cry for help. Nor is it a call for support, acceptance, understanding, or sympathy. I am not asking for prayers, thanks, or even acknowledgment.

"THIS" is a person, a girl, a mother, an abuser and an abused woman sitting in the dark in a house with "family" that are as alien to me as I to them.

*I don't know them, they don't know me......we co-exists, each a sovereign planet orbiting around each other. Occasionally through the sheer will of ones gravitational pull.......we collide......and we speak something real....do something real.....then as predictable as the sun rising each morning........we disengage, and become alone..............
............again................

Today -
*I Feel like a star.......a tumultuous ball of gas giving all my warmth and light to everyone who seeks it...................
.......................When was the last time YOU thanked the sun?

My star.....is anxious....paranoid......confused.....but mostly tired......I have been spinning and shining and providing.........I want to rest............
....................So I wait..................

To Super Nova...........to self-destruct...........it takes so long........ I fight to pierce myself....but i cannot....the knife, the razor, the scissors are never sharp enough to bleed out.........
......................I have scars...............

I can feel the change.....The Super Nova is coming......But it tells me it needs my help............I cry out to light...............beg to learn the secret to extinguish it forever..................
...................no answer.........

Well, what is the next step......I need to burn hotter......so I may burn out......

I love harder, I hate harder, I give more, more more more....adding fuel to my fire........I cry tears.....My face is wet................
.......................I feel nothing.............

There has to be a way.....I need more....harder...rougher......dirtier.....hatefill ed....self loathing.....so i may explode.......... a brilliant, blinding blight..........
...........Removed..........

But my light, while smaller and dispersed......will shine, from afar...........
..................forever................

[HeartBreak Kid]

Someone who self-injures is caught in a whirlpool of sorts. The one thing that we depend on is something that is considered bad for us. So we have to build an elaborate web of deceit, much like someone hiding a drug addiction. This hurts us as much as it does you. In fact, it contributes to our downward spiral. We lie, feel guilty for lying, cut ourselves to alleviate the guilt, then it starts over — we have to lie again. Tomorrow will be better, we tell ourselves. Tomorrow I’ll do better; I’ll start over, a clean slate. Only every tomorrow turns to today, and we always ruin today. We spend our lives chasing that tomorrow, that tomorrow that never comes. We cut our skin, trying to carve our imperfect bodies into something pure and beautiful. We hurt ourselves physically to ease the pain that ravages our insides. We hide behind our scars because we don’t know what we are deep inside, and what we do know we are, we hate. Growing up in a world that hates us, we just never learned quite how to live. And it’s as simple as that. No sideshow freaks, no scary psychotic asylum patients… just a bunch of people who are essentially broken in some way, waiting for the day to come when they will find the strength to fix themselves. And that day will come. Eventually they will realize they’ve hit rock bottom. “And that there is, in fact, an incredible freedom in having nothing left to lose.” (Hornbacher, 279).

[Canela]

I'm here. And I'm glad you're all here, too.

Leaving you all many blessings,

Shug

[Andrew, Jr.]

Little Shug,

I am so relieved and happy you are here. You bring comfort to so many of us.

Love,
Andrew
:playingcat:

[Canela]

Little Shug,

I am so relieved and happy you are here. You bring comfort to so many of us.

Love,
Andrew
:playingcat:

Awwww, thanks Andrew--as do you!:praying:

[Selenay]

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

I love this piece, but it was not written by Canéla. Canéla transcribed an interview with Gloria Anzaldúa, so the quote belongs to her.

You Can Read The Rest Here (http://www.dustjacketpress.com/standards/V8N1/FIRST/anzaldua.html)

[Andrew, Jr.]

Does anyone still have flashbacks? :canoworms: This is how I perceive my ptsd.

Andrew

[Canela]

I love this piece, but it was not written by Canéla. Canéla transcribed an interview with Gloria Anzaldúa, so the quote belongs to her.

You Can Read The Rest Here (http://www.dustjacketpress.com/standards/V8N1/FIRST/anzaldua.html)





A powerful read...thank you for sharing this, Selly...big hugs for you.

[Apocalipstic]

Does anyone still have flashbacks? :canoworms: This is how I perceive my ptsd.

Andrew

Yep.

This last year so many of them...I think that the Brain Spotting therapy I am having is helping.

I think flashbacks pretty much describes ptsd to a t.

:)

[Andrew, Jr.]

Ohhh yes. You are right about that Apocalipstic! And it isn't a pretty picture either. I hate being on the receiving end of them too.

[Jet]

More than anything in this world, on this day in this moment at this time in life I wish I had courage for the adversity I'm about to face. The first time, I had endurance. Now I'll found out what I am made of and what I am not made of, who I am and who I am not. I'm here online busying myself, trying to grasp and process things coming to light. Past and present, light and dark, heaven and hell, cowardice and courage, strength and weakness, the seen and unseen, life and death. God help me through this. I wondered what makes a man. I asked and it cost me my life and damn near my soul. My heart is faint and there is no one but God and me and a night in Rio Rio and the reason for it. Sorry to be cryptic, but typing this allows me to process my thoughts online as a link to the outside and something that feels sane right right now in my fright. This is and was my PTSD, and there is far more than I remembered. Now, I'm facing all of it and maybe now—finally—the devil will stop laughing.



Your fellow member,
an ol' Jet in all foilbles
2/18 5:22 EST

[Apocalipstic]

More than anything in this world, on this day in this moment at this time in life I wish I had courage for the adversity I'm about to face. The first time, I had endurance. Now I'll found out what I am made of and what I am not made of, who I am and who I am not. I'm here online busying myself, trying to grasp and process things coming to light. Past and present, light and dark, heaven and hell, cowardice and courage, strength and weakness, the seen and unseen, life and death. God help me through this. I wondered what makes a man. I asked and it cost me my life and damn near my soul. My heart is faint and there is no one but God and me and a night in Rio Rio and the reason for it. Sorry to be cryptic, but typing this allows me to process my thoughts online as a link to the outside and something that feels sane right right now in my fright. This is and was my PTSD, and there is far more than I remembered. Now, I'm facing all of it and maybe now—finally—the devil will stop laughing.



Your fellow member,
an ol' Jet in all foilbles
2/18 5:22 EST


I hope things get better for you soon.

The PTSD makes us often relive things we don't even remember clearly...that don't match up right. Our minds play tricks on us.

[Princess4u]

I finally ventured to this thread. I have passed it by so many times not wanting to remember, not wanting to acknowledge, not wanting to give respect to the girl who survived a thus far a lifetime of abuse. Embarrased, I suppose, ashamed, not wanting to be reticuled and thinking who would care anyway, its just me. But then I started reading and I see that we all have things in common. There are similarities in each of our sufferings and aftermath of our events. I feel almost like I have come home to ppl who will understand me. Thank you!

[Jet]

(((((((((((((((Princess4u))))))))))))))))
we get it, honey.

[Apocalipstic]

Welcome Princess!

You mention "the girl who". Do you feel like she was a different person?

When I look back, I don't see myself as the same person I was before...I don't even know her somehow. Does that make sense?

I am searching for her and all the her's I have been and trying to put us together somehow...to feel inside that we are the same person. Is this what you are saying?

I hope all of us have a healing day and do good things for ourselves as a reward for making it this far! :)

I am at work and listening to music from movies I love. Right now its Third Man and I have Jasmine Vanilla candles burning. A reward for taking care of business, even though I want to be in my closet hitting my head on the wall.

[Liam]

Has anyone had success with "energy tapping,"?

[Apocalipstic]

Has anyone had success with "energy tapping,"?

I am undergoing Brain Spotting, which is similar. It seems to he helping. Will keep you all posted. :)

[Princess4u]

Has anyone had success with "energy tapping,"?

What is this, i havent heard of it Liam.

[Liam]

Has anyone had success with "energy tapping,"?

What is this, i havent heard of it Liam.

I have only browsed through the book, at this point. Looks like its about tapping on points of your body, and purports to offer an instant way out of negative emotions.

Energy Tapping, Fred P. Gallo, PH.D., Harry Vincenzi, ED.D; 2008; New Harbringer Publications, Inc.

[Jet]

Has anyone had success with "energy tapping,"?

No, I have not heard of it. But along those lines is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy to reach trauma.

http://www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm

[Liam]

I must say that Energy Tapping's claims to rapidly eliminate anxiety, depression, etc. seem to be valid. I just did my first treatment, and it is amazing. I encourage everyone dealing with PTSD to check their local library for this book. I will be purchasing it. Something so simple and portable, that does not require anyone else's participation—its phenomenal; I am so glad that I found this.

[Jet]

I must say that Energy Tapping's claims to rapidly eliminate anxiety, depression, etc. seem to be valid. I just did my first treatment, and it is amazing. I encourage everyone dealing with PTSD to check their local library for this book. I will be purchasing it. Something so simple and portable, that does not require anyone else's participation—its phenomenal; I am so glad that I found this.

I'm glad this is working for you, Liam.

[Jet]

I have had many things come "up and out" since my post on Thursday. This past week, I have come through the roughest part of my trauma. I have been through this purging process, so to speak, for more than a year, and I am finally reaching core memories and emotions. They are still coming up as I write this tonight, but I have a much better handle on them. As such, I'm overcoming a lot of fear in remembering and associating with the event. This has been in my system and subconscious for 17 years. It claimed everything in my life. I hope very soon now that I'll walk free—and maybe in the coming year, I'll be as unaffected as having this be nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

[Princess4u]

When, if ever do trigger words stop triggering? Has anyone ever reached this point, I would be curious to know. Thank you!

[Andrew, Jr.]

For me, I have learned new coping skills to help with my trigger words. Everyone has different ways of coping and learning. Also, when people say time is a healer...for me, I have to disagree with that now. I have recently learned that some wounds will scar deeply, and some wounds really will never heal. They will be just as they are. Bruised, bloody, infected, and painful just as they were yesterday, today, and will be tomorrow.

[PearlsNLace]

Just for today Ive decided Im not broken. I dont need to be fixed. Im not disregarding anybodys space. hell. I might be there in that broken feeling, wanting fixing, tomorrow. But for today, I am ok with all of it. All that happened. all that made me who I am at this very moment. Its nice. Its a light feeling.


:loveletter:

[Apocalipstic]

The brain spotting which seems to be similar ot the emdr seems to be helping, but it does bring up all sorts of things I have to be ready to deal with.

I don't seem as strung out and think I am a bit more centered. Will keep you all posted.

Jet, glad things seem to be getting a bit better for you!

Princess, thank you! What a powerful affirmation...just for today. Like Reiki.

Andrew, you all of us, I hope all those scars can at least become infection free :)

Liam, thank you for posting, I will read up.

May we all have a peaceful, healthy week! :lips:

[Princess4u]

Tonight, something happened to me...and to some others...the PTSD room opened...thanks so those who worked on getting it started....it is a wonderful thing...ppl shared their past, their horrors, their story of survival. What courage we all have in our own rights...for we are all survivours...but I was not able to withstand the torment in my own memories....i wasnt able to share ....for so many reasons...unworthiness, fear....the physical restraints that fear and suffering subject us all to...I feel so horrible for not being to a point I thought I could tell of my history on this planet....I feel like i owe everyone in that room tonight an appology for not being strong nor brave enough to open up...and for those who did...you are amazing ppl in every right of the word...and i am sorry!!!:blues:

[Liam]

I feel like i owe everyone in that room tonight an appology for not being strong nor brave enough to open up...and for those who did...you are amazing ppl in every right of the word...and i am sorry!!!:blues:

The reality is that there are times when we are too distressed to share or place ourselves in a vulnerable situation, and there is nothing wrong with that Princess. It sounds as if you were taking care of yourself by not doing so, and in the end, that is a good thing; that distress can be very harmful, if you subject yourself to it for too long. I would hope the people in the group would understand that. Sharing one's story can be empowering and devastating, not only for ourself, but for others as well. I trust that those facilitating the group are aware that some might be triggered, just listening to other people's stories, and they are equipped to deal with the fall-out from it, in a compassionate and responsible manner.

[Apocalipstic]

PTSD room?

[Liam]

PTSD room?

Its in the chat room.

[Apocalipstic]

Its in the chat room.

is there a specific time for it, would love to join in.

[Lady Jewel]

It wont be officially started till next week. If you want to be one of the facilitators, PM me.

[Apocalipstic]

I had no idea about it. Would like to participate if I know times and so forth.

[Lady Jewel]

Keep your eye on this thread for further details. The room wont be open until there are some committments from people willin to facilitate meetings.


I had no idea about it. Would like to participate if I know times and so forth.

[Apocalipstic]

Keep your eye on this thread for further details. The room wont be open until there are some committments from people willin to facilitate meetings.

Can you explain what that means exactly. I would like to help, am just unclear. :)

I never had been on chat and I just checked it out....it requests a password for the PTSD chat?

[Andrew, Jr.]

Include me on this. I too have never been on chat. :penguin:

Thanks.

Love,
Andrew

[Lady Jewel]

Due to the subject matter, and privacy needed, it is a password protected group. Please bear with me, a public announcement will be made with all the details.



Can you explain what that means exactly. I would like to help, am just unclear. :)

I never had been on chat and I just checked it out....it requests a password for the PTSD chat?

[Apocalipstic]

Due to the subject matter, and privacy needed, it is a password protected group. Please bear with me, a public announcement will be made with all the details.

Cool! Thank you. I thought it happened last night and I had missed it. Am in therapy for PTSD and maybe some discussion would be helpful.

Feel free to PM me if that is better, Would love to help out.

[Jet]

Maybe I'll let go of the past
Maybe I'll exhale
Maybe I'll collect myself
Maybe I'll open my heart now
Maybe I'll stretch out in confidence
Maybe this is my Shawshank Redemption

[Lady Jewel]

Just wanted to give you all an update regarding the PTSD support group. Im still working out the details as far as confidentiality issues. I will be posting all the details here in this thread ASAP. If anyone has any questions, please PM me. Also, I need one or two people who are willing to give a two hour committment each week to be one of the Co-facilitators of the group.

In unity,
Jewel

[Apocalipstic]

So tonight phone rings and it's the cemetary dude from my father's funeral.

He has called before becausee he wants to sell me a funeral plot. Like where I want to spend fucking eternity is right there next to E (my dad).

But tonight I stare at the phone ringing, then check the voice mail....

"it's Rocky, call me"

So I imediately begin the "he's not really dead, they are calling to tell me" meltdown. Visualizing dug up graves....yes, I know he was cremated. I've had my medicine now.

Poor Cynthia, she is so longsuffering!

I feel like such a freak...one phone call and I am tumbling through space.

Sigh.

[Dragonfly]

This is a great idea. Many thoughts and blessings towards this beginning of support and encouragement for all of us living with ptsd. I have recieved so much love and strength from my fellow BFers on other sites! I really cant express here what some of you have meant in my life. But you already know cause I have been there for you too. That's one of the best parts of it, being understood even in our silence.... Big love to all those who are opening up and sharing. Some of us who have shared elsewhere are coming to the table to share our experiences here too, there are more of us living with it than people realize.

[Goofy]

Just a thought for the group chats...

I attend group sessions for PTSD at the VA. One of the rules of the group is that we don't tell "war stories" that might trigger other participants. What we DO do is discuss how we are doing in our daily lives and triggers we may face and what we can do to help each other and ourselves through the rough times.

I've found that, almost more than anything else, is that there are other folks out there that are going through the same types of things. Much of what I see happening in this thread.

[Dragonfly]

Goofy,
Good point, wanting to know more about your group though...
I am curious as to the specifics of HOW your group discusses triggers and daily dealing without mentioning any of the "war story". In my experiences, my triggers come FROM what happened and that makes it very difficult to discuss without it relating to others what happened to me. Everyone's PTSD is coming from different places and not just from the same shared "war". On other sites we Title our sensitive sharing type posts with "possibly triggering" and/ or write in red. With chat that wont be possible as we are interacting without pre thought out posts and titles.

[Goofy]

Goofy,
Good point, wanting to know more about your group though...
I am curious as to the specifics of HOW your group discusses triggers and daily dealing without mentioning any of the "war story". In my experiences, my triggers come FROM what happened and that makes it very difficult to discuss without it relating to others what happened to me. Everyone's PTSD is coming from different places and not just from the same shared "war". On other sites we Title our sensitive sharing type posts with "possibly triggering" and/ or write in red. With chat that wont be possible as we are interacting without pre thought out posts and titles.

It's true that triggers come from what happened, and that's why we're there in the first place. In my group, many triggers involve anniversary dates of an event, and we bring that up as such. Like, "I have an anniversary coming up and I've realized I'm more anxious, quick to anger..." etc. Others involve situations, smells or events. We bring those up in the same sort of ways, without revealing details. It's kind of difficult to explain the exact "how's" of how we get around it, but we do.

My PTSD stems both from childhood trauma and a situation I was in while in the Army. Since it's a VA group, it's much easier to not reveal histories of situations related to the military because, to some degree, we all have a similar experience. But I've also found that those folks are pretty accepting of non-military related triggers. Once, someone brought up a subject that was a trigger from my childhood. I started to twitch, literally. I told him it was a trigger for me; that it was something that happened when I was young. That's all I needed to say. No one questioned me as to what happened or why it was a trigger. We talked instead about *now*; how it presented itself (anxiety, anger, etc) and how to deal with that.

I bring all of this up because I know that when it was suggested that I start attending the PTSD group that I'm now a part of, that I had so many reservations. I didn't want to tell my stories to a bunch of strangers, regardless of whether they had been through similar situations or not. I didn't necessarily want to hear anyone else's story, lest they trigger me. I've been in the same group for almost a year now, and most days it's a life line. I feel sane, despite the insanity.


I'm not sure if this makes as much sense to you, or anyone else, as it does in my head. But I hope it clarified a bit.

[Goofy]

And I just feel compelled to say that I don't mean in any way to dismiss the people who are sharing their experiences in this thread. I was just throwing out an idea stemming from an earlier post about someone not wanting to share their particular experience and how to navigate around that.

I know for many that sharing their experience(s) is cathartic on some level. But for others it's difficult and downright painful.

[Princess4u]

Just a thought for the group chats...

I attend group sessions for PTSD at the VA. One of the rules of the group is that we don't tell "war stories" that might trigger other participants. What we DO do is discuss how we are doing in our daily lives and triggers we may face and what we can do to help each other and ourselves through the rough times.

I've found that, almost more than anything else, is that there are other folks out there that are going through the same types of things. Much of what I see happening in this thread.

Goofy, you are soooo very right!! I think all too often it isnt about telling "war" stories but needing to compare and see who suffered worse trauma...sad thing is that nothing is won w the proverbial "pissing contest" everyone has suffered isnt that sad enough....why keep reliving it....lets help eachother to move forward not backwards and be a SUPPORT not a demon to one another....I am so glad you pointed this out and have the professional background to support it..that means a great deal....thank you

[Dragonfly]

It's true that triggers come from what happened, and that's why we're there in the first place. In my group, many triggers involve anniversary dates of an event, and we bring that up as such. Like, "I have an anniversary coming up and I've realized I'm more anxious, quick to anger..." etc. Others involve situations, smells or events. We bring those up in the same sort of ways, without revealing details. It's kind of difficult to explain the exact "how's" of how we get around it, but we do.

My PTSD stems both from childhood trauma and a situation I was in while in the Army. Since it's a VA group, it's much easier to not reveal histories of situations related to the military because, to some degree, we all have a similar experience. But I've also found that those folks are pretty accepting of non-military related triggers. Once, someone brought up a subject that was a trigger from my childhood. I started to twitch, literally. I told him it was a trigger for me; that it was something that happened when I was young. That's all I needed to say. No one questioned me as to what happened or why it was a trigger. We talked instead about *now*; how it presented itself (anxiety, anger, etc) and how to deal with that.

I bring all of this up because I know that when it was suggested that I start attending the PTSD group that I'm now a part of, that I had so many reservations. I didn't want to tell my stories to a bunch of strangers, regardless of whether they had been through similar situations or not. I didn't necessarily want to hear anyone else's story, lest they trigger me. I've been in the same group for almost a year now, and most days it's a life line. I feel sane, despite the insanity.


I'm not sure if this makes as much sense to you, or anyone else, as it does in my head. But I hope it clarified a bit.


Yes, total sense.... except the part where "a subject came up". Thats the part I meant when I asked how do you discuss triggers without triggering someone accidentally.... Not meaning telling your stories, or asking each other why what happened, but I meant like a guideline maybe for avoiding the subjects completely so as to NOT trigger someone.

And wow, I dont want to have anyone sharing personal stuff to be viewed as a 'pissing contest' to someone else, that must have been a terrible experience to feel like someone wanted to "top" how bad their experience was and compare themselves to others. Now I am really leary to join a support type group other than the one I have already participated in online.

I hope there are clear guidelines for the PTSD room. Sadly my craputer isnt as compatible with the chat here as I'd thought it was at first. It freezes and crashes. Hope there will be after thoughts that make it to the forums for us readers.

Peace and Healing thoughts for all...

[Andrew, Jr.]

It never crossed my mind that our "war stories" were pissing contests. Is this a military thing? I just don't see it at all. To me, pain is pain. No matter the origin.

[Apocalipstic]

Very respectfully,

To be honest, I feel like the tread I started has been hijacked. There is now a trauma group on chat I don't have access too, and guidelines on what we can discuss.

I know everyone means well, but I need this and I feel like it is being taken away and I am being chastised for wanting an open space.

I wanted a place we could share day to day stuff that freaks us out due to PTSD and trauma. I don't think it helps anyone for us to share in secret, I go to therapy for that.

I wanted people not to feel so alone, and now I feel incredibly alone. Nauseated in fact.

Is there something better I can name a thread that is open for us to discuss daily stuff where people who are not comfortable to actually share can at least know they are not the only one. I hate the idea of a secret password.

I need a thread for discussion and support and this one seems to have been led in a completely different direction.

Seriously, if you need this thread to be a private group chat 2 hours a week, great, but help me know what to name a thread that those of us who are past being afraid or just don't care can use.

[Butterbean]

Bellruth Naperstek has a guided mediation CD on PSTD that is amazing. An MD told me about her work. It's available at health journeys online and I'm assuming bookstores too.

[layla]

time time helps... everything fades away with time... nightmares... memories.... time heals everything....
it's a process...a slow one... but time takes care of everything...

[Liam]

Apocalipstic, I'm sorry you feel like your thread has been hijacked. The reality is that there isn't a trauma group in chat yet. Jewel is trying to organize one. I think your intention to have this thread is quite similar to a support group, with the exception that its all out there for everyone to see.

With the exception of professional facilitation, support groups generally do not focus on the events which led to/created the trauma, but focus on the current experiences of their members. They are not therapy groups, people who feel a need to tell their story, would best be served seeing a therapist. Support groups are about receiving validation and sharing coping skills, resources and information; they are about empowering each member and helping each other find the capacity to trust people once again, as well as fostering a sense that one is not alone. I think facilitating a PTSD group is a huge responsibility, and one not to be taken lightly, I would prefer to participate in such a group in real time, not online.

Andrew, you are absolutely right, pain is pain, and it is the pain that must be dealt with, not the sordid details from which it sprang. We can't change what has happened to us, we can only change how it has effected us.

[Apocalipstic]

So is it or is it not OK for us to have a thread where those of us who want to discuss or vent can do so?

I do see a therapist, BTW.

I am not trying to facilitate a support group, just have a thread where if I want to discuss symptoms, fears, meltdowns I can.

I am really bothered by the exclusive secret password thing. Who gets it, who can be private? and why on my thread?

[Selenay]

So is it or is it not OK for us to have a thread where those of us who want to discuss or vent can do so?

I do see a therapist, BTW.

I am not trying to facilitate a support group, just have a thread where if I want to discuss symptoms, fears, meltdowns I can.

I am really bothered by the exclusive secret password thing. Who gets it, who can be private? and why on my thread?


I don't think the chat is meant to be a substitute for the thread, perhaps a suppliment?

And, I think the password is meant to protect the privacy and safety of those who go--though, if you want my opinion, I think it's oppressive--why should people need permission to go, before they join? Why should it not be open?

I think that perhaps the common courtesy of asking if it was okay to advertise the chat in your thread would have been polite, but I don't think anyone is trying to take away from what the thread is, just broaden it into chat, as well.

[Liam]

So is it or is it not OK for us to have a thread where those of us who want to discuss or vent can do so?

I do see a therapist, BTW.

I am not trying to facilitate a support group, just have a thread where if I want to discuss symptoms, fears, meltdowns I can.

I am really bothered by the exclusive secret password thing. Who gets it, who can be private? and why on my thread?

Apocalipstic, I think you have a winner of a thread here, and I think folks are venting and discussing as they wish. I was not pointing my finger at you. I was not saying you were facilitating a support group, rather pointing out the similarities between this thread and a support group.

[Apocalipstic]

I don't think the chat is meant to be a substitute for the thread, perhaps a suppliment?

And, I think the password is meant to protect the privacy and safety of those who go--though, if you want my opinion, I think it's oppressive--why should people need permission to go, before they join? Why should it not be open?

I think that perhaps the common courtesy of asking if it was okay to advertise the chat in your thread would have been polite, but I don't think anyone is trying to take away from what the thread is, just broaden it into chat, as well.

Thank you! I was just not getting it. You explained it well :).

I really have thought about it and I agree that the permission to join and password thing is not what I was going for. It seems elitist.

Secrets are one of the things that fuel PTSD for me, I don't want any more secrets or permission to share.

[Apocalipstic]

Apocalipstic, I think you have a winner of a thread here, and I think folks are venting and discussing as they wish. I was not pointing my finger at you. I was not saying you were facilitating a support group, rather pointing out the similarities between this thread and a support group.

Ah :) Thank you for explaining!

I am not a mental health professional, so I would not want to be seen in any way as a facilitator...just a friend discussing with anyone who wants to. :)

[Princess4u]

Ah :) Thank you for explaining!

I am not a mental health professional, so I would not want to be seen in any way as a facilitator...just a friend discussing with anyone who wants to. :)

Apocalipstic, I think sometimes....a true friend can be better than any mental health professional...at least in my experiences. Keep on trucking sista...and thank you for this venue to see that...we arent alone (sadly) bc that means we have all been thru devestating events in our lives.... But knowing we have eachother, someone who can understand where we are without the need to explain..is what keeps us going from day to day and sometimes second to second....thank you! And if this thread get highjacked...many of us will go along with it as well...! Dont fret dear

[Kenna]

Very respectfully,

To be honest, I feel like the tread I started has been hijacked. There is now a trauma group on chat I don't have access too, and guidelines on what we can discuss.

I know everyone means well, but I need this and I feel like it is being taken away and I am being chastised for wanting an open space.

I wanted a place we could share day to day stuff that freaks us out due to PTSD and trauma. I don't think it helps anyone for us to share in secret, I go to therapy for that.

I wanted people not to feel so alone, and now I feel incredibly alone. Nauseated in fact.

Is there something better I can name a thread that is open for us to discuss daily stuff where people who are not comfortable to actually share can at least know they are not the only one. I hate the idea of a secret password.

I need a thread for discussion and support and this one seems to have been led in a completely different direction.

Seriously, if you need this thread to be a private group chat 2 hours a week, great, but help me know what to name a thread that those of us who are past being afraid or just don't care can use.

I certainly want to show my support and appreciation for you starting this thread, and for making me feel like I am not alone, that I have open space. Sadly, I'm not quite ready to share some of my experiences or causes to my PTSD... they are very extensive and painful. But because of your thread and support I have found here at BFP, I am more willing to face my fears instead of hiding them and making them worse. For right now, until I get a bit more courage, I wanted to thank you. I am sorry I didn't do so earlier, my deepest apologies.

[Princess4u]

Ah :) Thank you for explaining!

I am not a mental health professional, so I would not want to be seen in any way as a facilitator...just a friend discussing with anyone who wants to. :)


It never crossed my mind that our "war stories" were pissing contests. Is this a military thing? I just don't see it at all. To me, pain is pain. No matter the origin.


That is my point Andrew...but what I am saying is that there are those out there who feel validated for some reason...thinking they have suffered worse...there is no "worse" its all worse....!!! I suppose to me what is boils down to...is how one copes with things...and we all have coping issues...or we wouldnt be here..and we need support and friends not to feel minimized or degrated. Sorry if that wasnt stated more clearly....I guess I see us as a community who needs to sticky by one another not push us apart. If we didnt need support, again we wouldnt have reached out to this thread. Again, I thank those who started it and who post here...becase it is a horrible place to be when you feel alone, as we all have experienced.

[Apocalipstic]

Saying what actually happened to us is difficult, and in many cases, like mine...it is not one thing, it is an array of "Lifetime" movies and I doubt anyone wants to hear about it. Laugh!

Last night, when I was spinning out, it meant so much to me to have a place to post about it, ridiculous as it was.

I was torn as to where to post....Mental Illness? :|? Neurodiversity? Did I need to start a new thread, now that it seemed this one was going in a different direction?

I don't know. Now apparently because I am disgruntled the group is not going to happen?

I just want a place where we can share. I am not trying to start a war....just maintain an open space with no secrecy. Where everyone is welcome. :)

[Apocalipstic]

Sorry if I hurt feelings by feeling like the thread was hijacked. I was not pointing fingers in any one direction, just feeling at a loss as to where to discuss, if this is not a viable place to do so.

Secrets and excluding people is not what I am about right now. I have snuck around all my life and I refuse to be that person any more.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I have been always been open and honest. Others I cannot speak for. I can only speak for myself. I am not comfortable in discussing my personal pain and suffering any longer.

I never have been on the chat, and have no clue as to how to even use the chat.

I wish everyone here peace. I hope you all find your joy in life, and inner peace.

Much love,
Andrew

[Canela]

Okay, I think we are aaaalllll way off subject here...I was sooooo excited to hear of the PTSD chat room. I thought and still think, it is a good idea...however, I hope you will receive this with the respect and love it is written from.

I think--before I say this know that this is only my opinion--The chat room was a branch off this thread, another type of sharing if you will, about the things that we suffer PTSD from. Yes, there does need to be a password, because people who lurk here well, that's okay, but as we have seen, we have NO WAY of knowing what will be discussed or "touched on" and well, those aren't for just any lurker. There needs to be a "safe place" away from prying eyes and curious souls, for participant's protection.

I think the purpose you created this thread for, Apocalipstic is very appropriate for as you put it, "posting and sharing day to day things" as they happen. I know that to some, "triggers" may occur even upon reading what someone writes in this thread but how can I/you/anyone be responsible for something we share about ourselves and our experiences that hurts someone else? I don't mean I don't care, please everyone I don't mean that, what I do mean is that when this thread was created, I don't think it was ever with any intention of "triggering" anyone, but of sharing what A was feeling and going thru and then opened it up to the rest of us who wanted to participate and share, too...Correct me if I'm wrong, A, but that's how I understood some of your previous posts...(sorry if I got it wrong).

And I realize some group therapy does not speak in specifics and does or does not do certain things--but this is new to all of us. Perhaps we should not speak in specifics to avoid triggers and such...perhaps. But if we can't be honest here, in a thread or a chat where we all share commonalities regarding PTSD and its residual effects, where can we be? We just have to figure out the best course of action for those who truly are interested in participating, sharing, and shaping this new branch of support...

Again--my opinion--but in my opinion, what you have started here in this thread for yourself (Apocalipstic) and others has grown in different directions. We know as adult learners some of us learn from different sources, different methods. And I feel like that's what's happening to us now--where we are growing in our needs to discuss and share and deal.

I love everyone who has poured out their hearts and fears and love and support here, and I want you all to know that each of your input is valid and valuable, but as the outpouring of support for this chatroom says it should be a go, we should give it a go. I hope that you will all find it in your hearts to try it, like we have everything else...

I am sorry if I derailed your thread even further. I just wanted you to know (Apocalipstic) that the way I saw things was that you did an awesome thing stepping out like you did and starting this thread. Now someone else wants to take it one step further, and I like that growth too. And yes, privacy is needed in a real time chat conference or group, because there is no telling what will come up.


One last thing. This site, this thread, this chat room and all the friendships forged here are not NOT by any means meant to take the place of any therapy or healing practices anyone is involved in.

I am not a professional, unless being friends and being there for others is a profession. :rose:

Just my humble opinion...

[Apocalipstic]

I appreciate your answer! :)

When you look at chat, you can see who is in a group....then if you try to log on the the PTSD group it asks for a password. That is not safe to me. Safe is no one know I am even there. NO one seeing my name at ALL.

I do not want anyone ever to feel left out because they can't log in. They would be able to see us there, but not join in. I hate that idea.

Secrets and exclusion are triggering for many people.

Also, I do not feel like I am qualified to be a facilitator, nor have I seen anyone post who is. If there is a therapy group, then we need a therapist. I did not set this up as a therapy group.

Do whatever you want, start whatever you want, but I would like to keep posting in my own thread about things I find important and helpful. If a moderator tells me to stop then I will...but thats pretty much it at this point.

That someone else who wants to take things in a different direction towards secrecy is more than welcome to start their own thread and go from there.

I picked this website for a reason, to be open and honest. That is what I am looking for in life.

If I have to sneak around about bad things that have happened to me and be encouraged to feel shame about them and hide them for other member's safety then have not my abusers won?






Okay, I think we are aaaalllll way off subject here...I was sooooo excited to hear of the PTSD chat room. I thought and still think, it is a good idea...however, I hope you will receive this with the respect and love it is written from.

I think--before I say this know that this is only my opinion--The chat room was a branch off this thread, another type of sharing if you will, about the things that we suffer PTSD from. Yes, there does need to be a password, because people who lurk here well, that's okay, but as we have seen, we have NO WAY of knowing what will be discussed or "touched on" and well, those aren't for just any lurker. There needs to be a "safe place" away from prying eyes and curious souls, for participant's protection.

I think the purpose you created this thread for, Apocalipstic is very appropriate for as you put it, "posting and sharing day to day things" as they happen. I know that to some, "triggers" may occur even upon reading what someone writes in this thread but how can I/you/anyone be responsible for something we share about ourselves and our experiences that hurts someone else? I don't mean I don't care, please everyone I don't mean that, what I do mean is that when this thread was created, I don't think it was ever with any intention of "triggering" anyone, but of sharing what A was feeling and going thru and then opened it up to the rest of us who wanted to participate and share, too...Correct me if I'm wrong, A, but that's how I understood some of your previous posts...(sorry if I got it wrong).

And I realize some group therapy does not speak in specifics and does or does not do certain things--but this is new to all of us. Perhaps we should not speak in specifics to avoid triggers and such...perhaps. But if we can't be honest here, in a thread or a chat where we all share commonalities regarding PTSD and its residual effects, where can we be? We just have to figure out the best course of action for those who truly are interested in participating, sharing, and shaping this new branch of support...

Again--my opinion--but in my opinion, what you have started here in this thread for yourself (Apocalipstic) and others has grown in different directions. We know as adult learners some of us learn from different sources, different methods. And I feel like that's what's happening to us now--where we are growing in our needs to discuss and share and deal.

I love everyone who has poured out their hearts and fears and love and support here, and I want you all to know that each of your input is valid and valuable, but as the outpouring of support for this chatroom says it should be a go, we should give it a go. I hope that you will all find it in your hearts to try it, like we have everything else...

I am sorry if I derailed your thread even further. I just wanted you to know (Apocalipstic) that the way I saw things was that you did an awesome thing stepping out like you did and starting this thread. Now someone else wants to take it one step further, and I like that growth too. And yes, privacy is needed in a real time chat conference or group, because there is no telling what will come up.


One last thing. This site, this thread, this chat room and all the friendships forged here are not NOT by any means meant to take the place of any therapy or healing practices anyone is involved in.

I am not a professional, unless being friends and being there for others is a profession. :rose:

Just my humble opinion...

[Canela]

I appreciate your answer! :)

When you look at chat, you can see who is in a group....then if you try to log on the the PTSD group it asks for a password. That is not safe to me. Safe is no one know I am even there. NO one seeing my name at ALL.

I do not want anyone ever to feel left out because they can't log in. They would be able to see us there, but not join in. I hate that idea.

Secrets and exclusion are triggering for many people.

Also, I do not feel like I am qualified to be a facilitator, nor have I seen anyone post who is. If there is a therapy group, then we need a therapist. I did not set this up as a therapy group.

Do whatever you want, start whatever you want, but I would like to keep posting in my own thread about things I find important and helpful. If a moderator tells me to stop then I will...but thats pretty much it at this point.

That someone else who wants to take things in a different direction towards secrecy is more than welcome to start their own thread and go from there.

I picked this website for a reason, to be open and honest. That is what I am looking for in life.

If I have to sneak around about bad things that have happened to me and be encouraged to feel shame about them and hide them for other member's safety then have not my abusers won?



I wonder if secrecy and confidentiality are the same thing for you. It's really not the same thing but I can see where you see it that way.

The chat room (in theory as it still is) I understood was open to anyone who wanted to participate, and that is what I still understand. I don't know anything else, really...and being able to see who is in the room is one thing, hearing or reading what is being said is quite another.

Your thread is great, I have posted in it and I am glad it's available to all, but do you see where some posters aren't comfortable with posting any details? That's okay right, but they still post to let us know they are there. That's a start. Posting in black and white is permanent. Like maybe it locks in your words and then it can't change...but that's not true, we know it can all change...good or bad (read trigger or healing) sometimes with just a well placed word, phrase or explanation...

I don't think anyone's abusers win when we the victims seek and find help. The abusers thought we could not do anything without them and we have, even starting this thread is a giant step in that direction. What I see about abusers in my mind and heart is that they are the ones who are royally messed up and in order to deal, they hurt others/us/everyone. (Hurt people hurt people) It's horrible to feel anything but anger towards them, but I do feel pity, and it's such a shame that they didn't have what we do...therapy, healing, hope...so now THEY are the sad little things in our memories and somewhere in our lives that don't have any more power over us...NO MORE!

I wish you all the best always...

[Apocalipstic]

I wonder if secrecy and confidentiality are the same thing for you. It's really not the same thing but I can see where you see it that way.

The chat room (in theory as it still is) I understood was open to anyone who wanted to participate, and that is what I still understand. I don't know anything else, really...and being able to see who is in the room is one thing, hearing or reading what is being said is quite another.

Your thread is great, I have posted in it and I am glad it's available to all, but do you see where some posters aren't comfortable with posting any details? That's okay right, but they still post to let us know they are there. That's a start. Posting in black and white is permanent. Like maybe it locks in your words and then it can't change...but that's not true, we know it can all change...good or bad (read trigger or healing) sometimes with just a well placed word, phrase or explanation...

I don't think anyone's abusers win when we the victims seek and find help. The abusers thought we could not do anything without them and we have, even starting this thread is a giant step in that direction. What I see about abusers in my mind and heart is that they are the ones who are royally messed up and in order to deal, they hurt others/us/everyone. (Hurt people hurt people) It's horrible to feel anything but anger towards them, but I do feel pity, and it's such a shame that they didn't have what we do...therapy, healing, hope...so now THEY are the sad little things in our memories and somewhere in our lives that don't have any more power over us...NO MORE!

I wish you all the best always...

Thank you so much!

But what if someone sees we are in that chat room and wants to be a part, but is not invited? It hurts my heart to think about it.

Does that make sense?

[Andrew, Jr.]

However, you have to remember that some folks have different motives than we do. We are survivors. We are recovering each day. Thank God above!

Some folks want to take our struggles and limitations to a different level and try to silence us so they have some attention that they are lacking in life. That is how I feel.

[Apocalipstic]

However, you have to remember that some folks have different motives than we do. We are survivors. We are recovering each day. Thank God above!

Some folks want to take our struggles and limitations to a different level and try to silence us so they have some attention that they are lacking in life. That is how I feel.

I don't know really, but I just don't feel much like being silenced ;)

[Canela]

Thank you so much!

But what if someone sees we are in that chat room and wants to be a part, but is not invited? It hurts my heart to think about it.

Does that make sense?

Yes, that makes alot of sense. I don't know about being invited or wanting to join. The way I see it I think all who want to should be able to do so...as long as it is being used to help themselves. If someone should breach the confidentiality and trust well, that's not something we should allow and I think something we should figure out how to deal with. Also, there should be a designated time so that those who want to be in that room need to be in there when it starts and unless they registered (and received their password)aforehand, late ones should wait for the next session so they can participate. How 'bout that?

(I gotta stop brainstorming, my head is starting to hurt now and my sore throat and cough is rearing its ugly head, lol...gotta go)

[Apocalipstic]

Yes, that makes alot of sense. I don't know about being invited or wanting to join. The way I see it I think all who want to should be able to do so...as long as it is being used to help themselves. If someone should breach the confidentiality and trust well, that's not something we should allow and I think something we should figure out how to deal with. Also, there should be a designated time so that those who want to be in that room need to be in there when it starts and unless they registered (and received their password)aforehand, late ones should wait for the next session so they can participate. How 'bout that?

(I gotta stop brainstorming, my head is starting to hurt now and my sore throat and cough is rearing its ugly head, lol...gotta go)

Maybe the group can be worked out so no one feels bad. I hope so.

For me it is important to speak my truth when I need to and I hope that by not being ashamed of things that have happened in my life others will not feel so alone.

I hope you feel better! I've had the cough and headache for 3 weeks now. UGH.

[Apocalipstic]

So back to my triggers, laugh. :)

After pondering how to deal with Rocky the Cemetary Dude, I decided to get my sister to handle it. She quite likes telling people off in a nice way. :)

We can't just be rude because our whole family is buried there, and we will end up seeing Rocky the Cemetary Dude again soon...but not for my funeral.

:)

[Goofy]

Apocalipstic, I want to apologize if my posts hurt or offended you (or anyone else) in any way. Truly that was not my intention.

I've never posted in this thread until last night, but I read it often. I was reading last night when I saw a poster say that they were not comfortable sharing their stuff and it made me think of the group I participate in. I thought it might be a good idea to share some of that experience, since it has been such a good experience for me.

I think this is a great thread, and the support that if offers is incredible, whether someone is a sharer, or not.

[Dragonfly]

I don't think the chat is meant to be a substitute for the thread, perhaps a suppliment?

And, I think the password is meant to protect the privacy and safety of those who go--though, if you want my opinion, I think it's oppressive--why should people need permission to go, before they join? Why should it not be open?

I think that perhaps the common courtesy of asking if it was okay to advertise the chat in your thread would have been polite, but I don't think anyone is trying to take away from what the thread is, just broaden it into chat, as well.



Um I agree with the courtesy thing, especially because I was thinking Apoc was part of creating the chat room people were talking about. I am confused but reading on.

[Semantics]

Um I agree with the courtesy thing, especially because I was thinking Apoc was part of creating the chat room people were talking about. I am confused but reading on.

I am confused, as well, because it seems that courtesy would have been involving the thread creator and participants rather than coming in and announcing the wonderful PTSD chat that only certain people were invited to.

I had two people contact me today about whether or not I was invited to the chat (which I was not), one of whom was pretty upset about it.

I'm not much of a chatter, but it sucks that other people who may have benefited from such a support are upset/ confused.

I hope that it gets cleared up and everyone can feel good about it. :)

[Dragonfly]

So back to my triggers, laugh. :)

After pondering how to deal with Rocky the Cemetary Dude, I decided to get my sister to handle it. She quite likes telling people off in a nice way. :)

We can't just be rude because our whole family is buried there, and we will end up seeing Rocky the Cemetary Dude again soon...but not for my funeral.

:)

Times are probably hard for everyone, but really do you need to have a cemetary telemarket you?!? This seems really rude on so many levels.

I am really glad to hear your sister is handling it for you. I too find it hard to deal with people politely in social situations when it is DIRECTLY related to my abusers and triggers. Sometimes I end up feeling badly for reacting from that panic or rage state of mind.

[Lady Jewel]

Instead of anyone asking questions evertyone lets their imaginations run wild and start making assumtions and uninformed statemtent. The chat room willbe open to ALL PTSD surviviors that need support. If u want to join, you PM and and you get the password. Simple as that. But everyone felt the need to put their 02. cents in when they really had NO clue how the group was going to be run. It is password protected because people dont want someone who has just wanted to go and have the regular chat I.E The Planet chatroom, to come into the PTSD chatroom and hear their private stuff. Sooo ANYONE that wants to discuss PTSD can get the password. It was ALL put in place so survivors could have confidentitality if THEY needed it. The open forum is awesome for people that are comfortable putting their stuff out in an open forum, some of us are not evolved in our PTSD journey and dont want it in an open forum. There is NOTHING opressive or elitist about than when its open to all members. And as far as breaching this forum thread, its already been discussed and there was NO advertising involved. Someone asked a question and it was answered and then it go bigger. Lets get back to aopcs original thread here and when the kinks have been worked out, an announcement in ANOTHER thread will be made. enough is enough. Do we have to dissect and pick apart every single things thats made public? And no the facilitators arent PHDs. They are people that have been thru PTSD themselves and want to help others. They are just there to make sure we dont sit there and not know what to say to each other. Just to help the convo along.


I am confused, as well, because it seems that courtesy would have been involving the thread creator and participants rather than coming in and announcing the wonderful PTSD chat that only certain people were invited to.

I had two people contact me today about whether or not I was invited to the chat (which I was not), one of whom was pretty upset about it.

I'm not much of a chatter, but it sucks that other people who may have benefited from such a support are upset/ confused.

I hope that it gets cleared up and everyone can feel good about it. :)

[Kimbo]

Chat rooms and following conversations are difficult. I personally think they suck for support groups but that is my opinion. I might suggest free phone conferencing where you can actually gather a group and talk with one another. They're free...

http://www.freeconference.com/conferencecall.aspx (http://www.freeconference.com/conferencecall.aspx)

If people have phones with unlimited long distance it is a much easier process than trying to follow a chat dialogue. In support sessions hearing a voice can make it all that much more personal. Just a suggestion.

[Semantics]

Instead of anyone asking questions evertyone lets their imaginations run wild and start making assumtions and uninformed statemtent. The chat room willbe open to ALL PTSD surviviors that need support. If u want to join, you PM and and you get the password. Simple as that. But everyone felt the need to put their 02. cents in when they really had NO clue how the group was going to be run. It is password protected because people dont want someone who has just wanted to go and have the regular chat I.E The Planet chatroom, to come into the PTSD chatroom and hear their private stuff. Sooo ANYONE that wants to discuss PTSD can get the password. It was ALL put in place so survivors could have confidentitality if THEY needed it. The open forum is awesome for people that are comfortable putting their stuff out in an open forum, some of us are not evolved in our PTSD journey and dont want it in an open forum. There is NOTHING opressive or elitist about than when its open to all members. And as far as breaching this forum thread, its already been discussed and there was NO advertising involved. Someone asked a question and it was answered and then it go bigger. Lets get back to aopcs original thread here and when the kinks have been worked out, an announcement in ANOTHER thread will be made. enough is enough. Do we have to dissect and pick apart every single things thats made public? And no the facilitators arent PHDs. They are people that have been thru PTSD themselves and want to help others. They are just there to make sure we dont sit there and not know what to say to each other. Just to help the convo along.

In the future, if you again choose to quote me, I would appreciate it if you don't then vomit out all of your confusing frustration in my direction.

I directed nothing at you, I just made a general statement because I was confused and others are, as well. I didn't even mention most of those things you are complaining about in my post.

But thanks for clearing that all up. :)

[Dragonfly]

Tonight, something happened to me...and to some others...the PTSD room opened...thanks so those who worked on getting it started....it is a wonderful thing...ppl shared their past, their horrors, their story of survival. What courage we all have in our own rights...for we are all survivours...but I was not able to withstand the torment in my own memories....i wasnt able to share ....for so many reasons...unworthiness, fear....the physical restraints that fear and suffering subject us all to...I feel so horrible for not being to a point I thought I could tell of my history on this planet....I feel like i owe everyone in that room tonight an appology for not being strong nor brave enough to open up...and for those who did...you are amazing ppl in every right of the word...and i am sorry!!!:blues:


Glad to hear the room was so meaningful and helpful for you princess4u. I am more confused now hearing that it is not open and not announced yet, but open to all who know to pm for a password. Seems that its already opened to me?? Hoping someone can explain whats really going on here in this thread and support chat rooms that arent really secret. At all..?

[Princess4u]

Glad to hear the room was so meaningful and helpful for you princess4u. I am more confused now hearing that it is not open and not announced yet, but open to all who know to pm for a password. Seems that its already opened to me?? Hoping someone can explain whats really going on here in this thread and support chat rooms that arent really secret. At all..?

Amelia, sorry there seems to be such confusion. I didnt realize prior to that posting that the "chat group" hadnt been made public..i seriously doubt that there was ever any intent on making a by invite only group. I dont think that was the goal then nor now. I didnt have a positive experience that night and personally have no plans to continue with any support other than what we do here on the thread. I am not in charge of it, had nothingn to do with setting it up. I would think that whomever is taking control of this venue..will make sure that everyone is made aware of the when's and how's....I think we have a good outlet here in the thread and for those who would like open group discusson then the chat will perhaps meet their needs....We are seeming to get out of control here...and I am sorry if my post started all this....i was very upset and needed support from my PTSD community, so I reached out without knowing that it wasnt made known there was going to be a chat room for us. So please, everyone take a deep breath....we are here to love and support....when and if a chat room will be up and running will hopefully be made known once all the legistics are well thoughtout. Until then....we are still a community who needs one another. And that is why A made this thread......it is a strong foundation and forum for us to post our thoughts and feelings and cries for help. For only a PTSD sufferer can understand what another PTSD sufferer is going through. I know some ppl may feel cheated, or left out, or perhaps there is some click thing going on in the chat community...but that is not the case....just some ppl need different venues for their outlet.....thats all....plain and simple..perhaps it wasnt handled the best way.....that could be just from lack of knowledge .....we all live and learn....and most of all we are all human....lets not forget that....there was no dishonest or evil plots trying to unfold here............I love you all....I value your hearts, your pain, your friendship and kindness......lets stick together.....for some of us......this forum is all we have at this moment in time......much love and peace to all of us.....princess

[Jet]

Amelia, sorry there seems to be such confusion. I didnt realize prior to that posting that the "chat group" hadnt been made public..i seriously doubt that there was ever any intent on making a by invite only group. I dont think that was the goal then nor now. I didnt have a positive experience that night and personally have no plans to continue with any support other than what we do here on the thread. I am not in charge of it, had nothingn to do with setting it up. I would think that whomever is taking control of this venue..will make sure that everyone is made aware of the when's and how's....I think we have a good outlet here in the thread and for those who would like open group discusson then the chat will perhaps meet their needs....We are seeming to get out of control here...and I am sorry if my post started all this....i was very upset and needed support from my PTSD community, so I reached out without knowing that it wasnt made known there was going to be a chat room for us. So please, everyone take a deep breath....we are here to love and support....when and if a chat room will be up and running will hopefully be made known once all the legistics are well thoughtout. Until then....we are still a community who needs one another. And that is why A made this thread......it is a strong foundation and forum for us to post our thoughts and feelings and cries for help. For only a PTSD sufferer can understand what another PTSD sufferer is going through. I know some ppl may feel cheated, or left out, or perhaps there is some click thing going on in the chat community...but that is not the case....just some ppl need different venues for their outlet.....thats all....plain and simple..perhaps it wasnt handled the best way.....that could be just from lack of knowledge .....we all live and learn....and most of all we are all human....lets not forget that....there was no dishonest or evil plots trying to unfold here............I love you all....I value your hearts, your pain, your friendship and kindness......lets stick together.....for some of us......this forum is all we have at this moment in time......much love and peace to all of us.....princess

Good....for....you!!! And thanks for your sincerity...

[Selenay]

Instead of anyone asking questions evertyone lets their imaginations run wild and start making assumtions and uninformed statemtent. The chat room willbe open to ALL PTSD surviviors that need support. If u want to join, you PM and and you get the password. Simple as that. But everyone felt the need to put their 02. cents in when they really had NO clue how the group was going to be run. It is password protected because people dont want someone who has just wanted to go and have the regular chat I.E The Planet chatroom, to come into the PTSD chatroom and hear their private stuff. Sooo ANYONE that wants to discuss PTSD can get the password. It was ALL put in place so survivors could have confidentitality if THEY needed it. The open forum is awesome for people that are comfortable putting their stuff out in an open forum, some of us are not evolved in our PTSD journey and dont want it in an open forum. There is NOTHING opressive or elitist about than when its open to all members. And as far as breaching this forum thread, its already been discussed and there was NO advertising involved. Someone asked a question and it was answered and then it go bigger. Lets get back to aopcs original thread here and when the kinks have been worked out, an announcement in ANOTHER thread will be made. enough is enough. Do we have to dissect and pick apart every single things thats made public? And no the facilitators arent PHDs. They are people that have been thru PTSD themselves and want to help others. They are just there to make sure we dont sit there and not know what to say to each other. Just to help the convo along.

With all due respect, Jewel, you have no right to speak to me about what is "oppressive" or not.

If I feel it is oppressive, it is oppressive. Just because YOU do not feel it is oppressive, does not mean you are allowed to take away my truth.

To be perfectly blunt, I do not think the ~*average*~ chatter would be so rude as to go into a support chat room just to see what was going on out of boredom. The whole ~*password protection*~ thing is elitist, in my eyes, because--maybe? Maybe I'm not comfortable PMing you and telling you I want to go. Maybe I just want to go. Maybe I don't want to need your ~*permission*~ to have the password to go in.

And, I'm sorry if you don't like that we are discussing this in here--but it was brought forth, so I am damn well going to talk about it until I am done. This is a thread for PTSD survivors to talk in a safe zone--so I'm talking. If you don't like it, lump it.

[Jet]

I never went to this "group" thing whatever it is. I only knew of it skimming through the last couple of pages. This is a thread to share our experiences and support as victims. PTSD is bitch and a bitch to talk about as it is. That group thing is alienating to the uninvited and uninformed, and from what it sounds like, not very workable. I'm glad people are sharing opinions against the idea and/or the meeting that didn't work for them. My .02.

[Apocalipstic]

Apocalipstic, I want to apologize if my posts hurt or offended you (or anyone else) in any way. Truly that was not my intention.

I've never posted in this thread until last night, but I read it often. I was reading last night when I saw a poster say that they were not comfortable sharing their stuff and it made me think of the group I participate in. I thought it might be a good idea to share some of that experience, since it has been such a good experience for me.

I think this is a great thread, and the support that if offers is incredible, whether someone is a sharer, or not.

Thank you for your input, Im sorry the whole thing just hit me wrong after seeing the passcode and hearing that certain people would not be allowed.

I appologize if I made you feel bad. Come and discuss or read any time :)



Um I agree with the courtesy thing, especially because I was thinking Apoc was part of creating the chat room people were talking about. I am confused but reading on.

I had no idea.

Times are probably hard for everyone, but really do you need to have a cemetary telemarket you?!? This seems really rude on so many levels.

I am really glad to hear your sister is handling it for you. I too find it hard to deal with people politely in social situations when it is DIRECTLY related to my abusers and triggers. Sometimes I end up feeling badly for reacting from that panic or rage state of mind.

Stuff affects me differently than my sister, for her making the call is empowering. :)

Chat rooms and following conversations are difficult. I personally think they suck for support groups but that is my opinion. I might suggest free phone conferencing where you can actually gather a group and talk with one another. They're free...

http://www.freeconference.com/conferencecall.aspx (http://www.freeconference.com/conferencecall.aspx)

If people have phones with unlimited long distance it is a much easier process than trying to follow a chat dialogue. In support sessions hearing a voice can make it all that much more personal. Just a suggestion.


That is a great idea. Then, no one will feel left out and no one can SEE the chat room they are being excluded from! Thank you!

[Apocalipstic]

I will not be part of a group where people can see I am there and feel excluded.

On another note, my brain is raw glad I have therapy tomorrow :)

My father was one of my major abusers and as ridiculous as I get (and as funny as it may seem after), when I am spinning out it all seems so real at the time.

He died this time last year and the cemetary has been calling for weeks. I understand times are hard too and I wish I could help Rocky the Cemetary Dude, but I am going to go vacation to London instead of buying a cemetary plot....sounds so much more fun. :) I've been there for work several times, but not had enough free time to go to the museums, dungeons, parks and just enjoy being alive!

Because I'm Still Standing!

[christie]

Instead of anyone asking questions evertyone lets their imaginations run wild and start making assumtions and uninformed statemtent. The chat room willbe open to ALL PTSD surviviors that need support. If u want to join, you PM and and you get the password. Simple as that. But everyone felt the need to put their 02. cents in when they really had NO clue how the group was going to be run. It is password protected because people dont want someone who has just wanted to go and have the regular chat I.E The Planet chatroom, to come into the PTSD chatroom and hear their private stuff. Sooo ANYONE that wants to discuss PTSD can get the password. It was ALL put in place so survivors could have confidentitality if THEY needed it. The open forum is awesome for people that are comfortable putting their stuff out in an open forum, some of us are not evolved in our PTSD journey and dont want it in an open forum. There is NOTHING opressive or elitist about than when its open to all members. And as far as breaching this forum thread, its already been discussed and there was NO advertising involved. Someone asked a question and it was answered and then it go bigger. Lets get back to aopcs original thread here and when the kinks have been worked out, an announcement in ANOTHER thread will be made. enough is enough. Do we have to dissect and pick apart every single things thats made public? And no the facilitators arent PHDs. They are people that have been thru PTSD themselves and want to help others. They are just there to make sure we dont sit there and not know what to say to each other. Just to help the convo along.


Even though I have not participated on this thread, I am responding here because Jen asked on another thread if folks would take a peek at this thread to see what she was "missing."

Lady Jewel, with all respect, this feels silencing to me. It did last night when I read it and it still feels so today.

Your response here, as I interpret it, doesn't make me wanna PM you, or anyone, for a passcode for the chat room. It doesn't make me want to open up and pick apart my psyche and my past.

Jewel, you and I have spoken real time and this really took me by surprise. I found you a nice, warm person and I am sure if you read your words here, you can at least see how this might be interpreted.

I think its great that Jen created this thread and folks have found support and understanding from one another. I would hope that continues.

Christie

[Princess4u]

I will not be part of a group where people can see I am there and feel excluded.

On another note, my brain is raw glad I have therapy tomorrow :)

My father was one of my major abusers and as ridiculous as I get (and as funny as it may seem after), when I am spinning out it all seems so real at the time.

He died this time last year and the cemetary has been calling for weeks. I understand times are hard too and I wish I could help Rocky the Cemetary Dude, but I am going to go vacation to London instead of buying a cemetary plot....sounds so much more fun. :) I've been there for work several times, but not had enough free time to go to the museums, dungeons, parks and just enjoy being alive!

Because I'm Still Standing!


I hope you have a wonderful time....take lots of pics for us to see..i have always wanted to go!!!!

[Andrew, Jr.]

So from my understanding, there is a chat. What are the times, and what is the room called or whatever? I never have been in chat before. Can whoever the mods are pm me the password. I would like to submit the application to join. I don't want to be a moderator since I suffer from PTSD.

I feel even more silenced than ever before.

[Apocalipstic]

So from my understanding, there is a chat. What are the times, and what is the room called or whatever? I never have been in chat before. Can whoever the mods are pm me the password. I would like to submit the application to join. I don't want to be a moderator since I suffer from PTSD.

I feel even more silenced than ever before.

The chat thing is in no way affiliated with this thread, maybe PM the people who started it, or look for the thread Lady Jewell said she was starting about it or maybe pm the admins?. I don't think anyone who is giving out passwords is likely to read this thread anymmore.

This thread is about us sharing and healing together! :) No passwords, no secret handshake and no silencing!

I hope you are having a great day and its not as cold there as it is here. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Apocalipstic,

:givingarose: for you, and then we can both :beerfunnel: & :deal:.

How's that love?!

ox,
Andrew


:kissy:

[Apocalipstic]

Only if you grill too! :)

Except its snowing. Again.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yep, it's snowing here too. :downhillski: Anymore snow, and I am about to tell Dino he can have a fashion show on the stairs. He refuses to go outside when it is raining or snowing. Unbelieveable.

Oh, I grill rain, snow, hail, heat, really any weather. I love to grill. It just goes with me. Sort of like a pipe or cigar in my hand. :happyjump:

[Gemme]

Thank you, Kimbo, for the phone conference suggestion and link! I think that that might help some folks out.

I am not one of those who was interested in the PTSD chat room but I really, really, really don't understand why the idea of folks who are doing peer therapy (because, c'mon...that's what it is) wanting to do it as privately as possible but still want to let others know that it's available if someone wants to make use of it is such an issue for so many.

Do you all invite unknowns into your private discussions and/or therapy sessions? I know, for myself, that rehashing and exploring painful stuff makes me feel vulnerable. When I am and/or feel vulnerable, I react more aggressively....fly off the handle....faster when I feel threatened in that state of mind. There is less control in a chat room and that environment wouldn't be good for me to really delve into my issues, but for some, it could be helpful.

Who am I to get all up in arms about others trying to work through their issues? And to do it as privately as possible on a public forum? We all do what we can. Why do folks feel it necessary to step all over others in their journey to self-help? I just really don't get it.

[Apocalipstic]

Thank you, Kimbo, for the phone conference suggestion and link! I think that that might help some folks out.

I am not one of those who was interested in the PTSD chat room but I really, really, really don't understand why the idea of folks who are doing peer therapy (because, c'mon...that's what it is) wanting to do it as privately as possible but still want to let others know that it's available if someone wants to make use of it is such an issue for so many.

Do you all invite unknowns into your private discussions and/or therapy sessions? I know, for myself, that rehashing and exploring painful stuff makes me feel vulnerable. When I am and/or feel vulnerable, I react more aggressively....fly off the handle....faster when I feel threatened in that state of mind. There is less control in a chat room and that environment wouldn't be good for me to really delve into my issues, but for some, it could be helpful.

Who am I to get all up in arms about others trying to work through their issues? And to do it as privately as possible on a public forum? We all do what we can. Why do folks feel it necessary to step all over others in their journey to self-help? I just really don't get it.



It does not seem helpful to me for someone who wants to be in PTSD chat to be able to see who is in there and not be able to join. It seems mean.

I want no part of it.

I PMed you more details :)

[Gemme]

It does not seem helpful to me for someone who wants to be in PTSD chat to be able to see who is in there and not be able to join. It seems mean.

I want no part of it.

I PMed you more details :)

Why can't those who want peer counseling start their own thread and let us have this one to vent and discuss as we please with no guilt that we might "trigger" someone.

Thanks for the pm! Obviously I missed some of the finer details along the way. I still stand that it could be a good thing for folks, given some of the details and procedures change a bit. I'm all for positive personal growth, no matter the method.

Here's the thing....I think this thread and others that touch on sensitive topics ARE a form of peer counseling. After all, we speak our minds, share our experiences, support one another and, hopefully, grow from what we read and learn.

Even though this thread has gone sideways a bit, I do like it and find that I can often learn something about myself when I pop in here to see how others are doing. Many blessings to all.

[Apocalipstic]

Thanks for the pm! Obviously I missed some of the finer details along the way. I still stand that it could be a good thing for folks, given some of the details and procedures change a bit. I'm all for positive personal growth, no matter the method.

Here's the thing....I think this thread and others that touch on sensitive topics ARE a form of peer counseling. After all, we speak our minds, share our experiences, support one another and, hopefully, grow from what we read and learn.

Even though this thread has gone sideways a bit, I do like it and find that I can often learn something about myself when I pop in here to see how others are doing. Many blessings to all.

Thank you Gemme!

I just think if someone already has PTSD, not being allowed to be in the PTSD group would seem pretty triggery!

[Liam]

Okay, reality check—the PTSD group has not officially formed. Lady Jewel has backed out due to personal reasons. Admin has found someone to take over organizing the PTSD group. Last time I checked, who that person is, had not been announced.

[Spirit Dancer]

Over the past few days i've read and re read this thread, with hopes there would be an understanding a meeting of the minds so to speak. If we each stepped in the shoes of Lady Jewel while she sat and read all the things being said how would we feel? I would feel like crap, she too is a PTSD survivor and set to start a place to share our experiences, not a secret society with password protection. It was done with good intentions and the password was to protect those who felt vulnerable, and wanted anonymity.
It was and or is to be a chat area for anyone who wanted to join and needed support could find it there.
Her heart was in the right place, unless i'm missing something. It was brought up in this thread so others who suffered from ptsd would know and might want to partisipate. Funny thing is we forget about those who don't leave their homes due to ptsd and might be able to benefit from such a chat.
Just my opinion

[Apocalipstic]

Okay, reality check—the PTSD group has not officially formed. Lady Jewel has backed out due to personal reasons. Admin has found someone to take over organizing the PTSD group. Last time I checked, who that person is, had not been announced.

Gotcha, thank you!

Now maybe we can go back to the thread as originally intended.

:)

[Apocalipstic]

Have the chat. The Admins are taking over and hopefully will make the group welcome to anyone who applies. :) Glad to see it!

But I really would like to be able to have this thread to discuss in a public forum.

Please?

[Apocalipstic]

I am sorry Lady Jewel is hurt.

:bouquet:

But the people who would not have been allowed in the group would have been/have been hurt too.

[julieisafemme]

I have read this thread from the beginning and I really appreciate it. My only contribution so far has been thanking posts. This let's me participate without having to share. I am not able to. I find help and solace in reading the posts of others.

I appreciate Lady Jewel's attempts at creating other venues to share. I agree with Gemme that this thread is a sort of peer counseling. Chat would not work for me at all. Even if I could get the gumption to request a password I am not able to keep up with the speed of chat. I would also have trouble with the impermanence. I am slooooooow. I need to read and re-read things sometimes several times before I understand them.

There might be others reading who have never thanked or posted or anything. I would hope people would continue to share here for those of us who cannot particpate fully.


Thank you to all of you who have shared your stories.

[Apocalipstic]

I have read this thread from the beginning and I really appreciate it. My only contribution so far has been thanking posts. This let's me participate without having to share. I am not able to. I find help and solace in reading the posts of others.

I appreciate Lady Jewel's attempts at creating other venues to share. I agree with Gemme that this thread is a sort of peer counseling. Chat would not work for me at all. Even if I could get the gumption to request a password I am not able to keep up with the speed of chat. I would also have trouble with the impermanence. I am slooooooow. I need to read and re-read things sometimes several times before I understand them.

There might be others reading who have never thanked or posted or anything. I would hope people would continue to share here for those of us who cannot particpate fully.


Thank you to all of you who have shared your stories.


Thank you Julie! I am not much of a chatter either...It goes too fast. Or I might not feel like talking about it at the appointed time.

Like the other night, when I was spun out over the cemetery guy calling...I was crying and flipping out and needed somewhere to just vent a bit...in all my ridiculousness.

By the way, my sister was able to reach Rocky the cemetery dude and let him know that anything to do with my dad freaks me out and that I think up all sorts of idiotic scenarios. Like I am sure if bodies were digging up out of their own graves in Goodlestville, it would have been on the news.

I did not get to see his body after he died and some days I worry that he will show back up and his death will have been a happy dream.

My doctor says I have zero affect when I talk about my childhood...I talk about it like it was someone else. Like all that stuff happened to someone else.

Stuff that has happened to me as an adult that is really bad, does not even seem to touch me that much..I react like it's no big deal....

[AtLast]

Over the past few days i've read and re read this thread, with hopes there would be an understanding a meeting of the minds so to speak. If we each stepped in the shoes of Lady Jewel while she sat and read all the things being said how would we feel? I would feel like crap, she too is a PTSD survivor and set to start a place to share our experiences, not a secret society with password protection. It was done with good intentions and the password was to protect those who felt vulnerable, and wanted anonymity.
It was and or is to be a chat area for anyone who wanted to join and needed support could find it there.
Her heart was in the right place, unless i'm missing something. It was brought up in this thread so others who suffered from ptsd would know and might want to partisipate. Funny thing is we forget about those who don't leave their homes due to ptsd and might be able to benefit from such a chat.
Just my opinion

Because I am a recovering agoraphobic (a life long process) stemming from early life trauma/PTSD, I deeply hope that others understand just how valuable this could be. I often wonder if I had been able to communicate via the web in support groups/chats while my agoraphobia was active, if I could have made progress faster. Dunno. There are a lot of very good reasons for someone to seek anonymous safety, especially in this community. I'd like to think that folks here don't gossip, but this is just not true. Frankly, I don't feel safe in telling my story here at all. Not all the details anyway and I know I disclose quite a bit here (however, in the scheme of things, not much.. not the really painful stuff at all). I will disclose some things when I see others struggling to support them. But, no way would I disclose anything other than being an agoraphobic without password protection.

That being said, I feel like this open forum thread can offer a lot in banishing myths about PTSD in general.

[Apocalipstic]

Because I am a recovering agoraphobic (a life long process) stemming from early life trauma/PTSD, I deeply hope that others understand just how valuable this could be. I often wonder if I had been able to communicate via the web in support groups/chats while my agoraphobia was active, if I could have made progress faster. Dunno. There are a lot of very good reasons for someone to seek anonymous safety, especially in this community. I'd like to think that folks here don't gossip, but this is just not true. Frankly, I don't feel safe in telling my story here at all. Not all the details anyway and I know I disclose quite a bit here (however, in the scheme of things, not much.. not the really painful stuff at all). I will disclose some things when I see others struggling to support them. But, no way would I disclose anything other than being an agoraphobic without password protection.

That being said, I feel like this open forum thread can offer a lot in banishing myths about PTSD in general.

Great point At Last!

Without my medicine I can't even leave my bedroom, much less the house and sit in the closet rocking and banging my head on the wall.

I totally get the need for privacy for those who can't go to therapy.

I am glad that the Admins will be making the group available to anyone who needs it without exclusion. I can't go with the pick and choose who has PTSD bad enough or who is not liked thing.

For me, being able to talk openly helps most!

Thank you for sharing! It helped me to hear that someone else has agoraphobia.

[Princess4u]

sometimes...i watch the world spinning around me....ppl going on w their lives....live going on in general....while i sit in my existance, stuck..sometimes its a comfort...but mostly its just a reminder of all that was taken away....its seems to me the harder I try to keep the past in the past....and put distance and time between me and IT....the harder the past tries to rear its ugly head and remind me there is no place to hid....there is no one's arms safe enough for shelter (even if there was someone here) and there is nothing I can do that will allow me to forget....funny how when you think you have it all figured out....you turn around with that victory grin upon your face and guess who is waiting right there in front of you when you least expect it......THE PAST!!!.

[Dragonfly]

I will not be part of a group where people can see I am there and feel excluded.

On another note, my brain is raw glad I have therapy tomorrow :)

My father was one of my major abusers and as ridiculous as I get (and as funny as it may seem after), when I am spinning out it all seems so real at the time.

He died this time last year and the cemetary has been calling for weeks. I understand times are hard too and I wish I could help Rocky the Cemetary Dude, but I am going to go vacation to London instead of buying a cemetary plot....sounds so much more fun. :) I've been there for work several times, but not had enough free time to go to the museums, dungeons, parks and just enjoy being alive!

Because I'm Still Standing!

Heck yeaz! I say that sounds like an awesome idea. Life is already too short to let fear or pain or scars hold you back! VAcaTion<--- money better spent!

[Apocalipstic]

sometimes...i watch the world spinning around me....ppl going on w their lives....live going on in general....while i sit in my existance, stuck..sometimes its a comfort...but mostly its just a reminder of all that was taken away....its seems to me the harder I try to keep the past in the past....and put distance and time between me and IT....the harder the past tries to rear its ugly head and remind me there is no place to hid....there is no one's arms safe enough for shelter (even if there was someone here) and there is nothing I can do that will allow me to forget....funny how when you think you have it all figured out....you turn around with that victory grin upon your face and guess who is waiting right there in front of you when you least expect it......THE PAST!!!.

I have spent all my life trying to forget. In my younger days I tried every drug I could get my hands on and participated in some very risky behavior trying to forget. I've been to years of therapy, Vanderbilt Psychiatry and loads of different medicines.....

But nothing has made me forget.

Time has softened a few of the edges maybe....but I remember way too much.

I am now trying Brain Spotting to see if that will help?

My therapist says I won't forget, ever. But we can try to make things easier to remember.

I totally get what you are saying and I wish I knew how to forget too.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

[Apocalipstic]

Heck yeaz! I say that sounds like an awesome idea. Life is already too short to let fear or pain or scars hold you back! VAcaTion<--- money better spent!


Seems healthier. :)

Planning trips trying to avoid as much opportunity for stress as possible can be challenging, but I think either way it is far healthier than sitting at home looking at casket brochures.

I have had some traumatic flight related experiences, but my travel for work the past 5 years has forced me to get back out there and to learn what kinds of things to avoid and what helps make it OK.

[Apocalipstic]

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

I'm here. :)

I also agree that someone with PTSD is the moderator it could be problematic...because I (for example) never know what space I will be in. What if I am too flipped out to be on line when it's time for chat group. I totally get what you are saying on that subject.


Try and step back, take a deep breath and go back to posting here and on the threads where you feel welcome ..like this one or the neurodiversity one. Maybe you could start a grilling thread.

If anyone is making you feel unwelcome, the problem is theirs, not yours.

Do you really want to be in a group that excludes anyone? You seem too cool for that. :)

Also, not sure what was said, but according to the admins thread yesterday, they were still facilitator searching.

[AtLast]

Just saying Hi to everyone. And wishing that today is a good one for you and that ... you all RAWK!

Been thinking a lot about how so many people in our community just have guts! These types of sites are not always very user friendly and I appreciate that the speaking out about what it is like to live with PTSD. Thank you....[/FONT

[FONT="Century Gothic"]alieninjar: We all know what it is like to feel like an alien in a jar!

[Apocalipstic]

Alien in a Jar describes it well!

Hope your day is great At Last!

[Canela]

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

You are wonderfully and fearfully made Andrew...you are a son of God and no one can take that away from you. To heck with the unhappy people who try to hurt you. They can't steal your joy Andrew...that comes from within, it's your light from your higher power and it's something they can never take from you.

I'm here--and I hear you, Andrew.:gimmehug:

Sending you BIG HUGE HUGS!!!!

[Apocalipstic]

You are wonderfully and fearfully made Andrew...you are a son of God and no one can take that away from you. To heck with the unhappy people who try to hurt you. They can't steal your joy Andrew...that comes from within, it's your light from your higher power and it's something they can never take from you.

I'm here--and I hear you, Andrew.:gimmehug:

Sending you BIG HUGE HUGS!!!!

LS, what a wonderful and sweet answer!

[Jet]

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

Stop it! Andrew. What's done is done. Let's move on...you can't progress when you constantly keep yourself with crap in the past that really has nothing to do with this thread. THIS THREAD is about people who are debilitated by trauma—emotionally, physically, mentally.
How about sharing what you are doing about yours perhaps, or supporting someone who's really hurting from an episode, right now, or sharing something you've learned. I love you, bro. But please stop with the behind the scenes issues that have nothing to do with people who trying to survive their lives and are looking for like-minded connections in here...me included.

Sorry everyone, but enough with the chat thing. my .02

[Canela]

Our Deepest Fear


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson--from her book, "A Return To Love"

[Apocalipstic]

Our Deepest Fear


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson--from her book, "A Return To Love"


Thank you Shug! Powerful poem I needed to read today.

I struggle with the first 2 stanzas of the poem. Who am I?

Who am I to have an opinion?
Who am I to set boundaries?
Who am I to need boundaries?
Who am I to tell someone else how I expect to be treated?
Who am I to expect anything?
Who am I to have human reactions?
Who am I to hurt?
Who am I to have feelings?
Who am I to feel afraid?
Who am I to be horrified?
Who am I to take up space?
Who am I to scream?
Who am I to defend myself?
Who am I to have nightmares?
Who am I?

Being brought up in a full on trauma situation I was taught that to think I am brilliant, beautiful, funny, smart or talented is tooting my own horn and thinking too much of myself.

I like the last part of the poem especially where it says that if we let our light shine it gives other people permission to do the same. That is so powerful.

We are here, we are alive, we are deserving, we are stronger than we ever thought was possible. Let's shine!

I was talking to Cynthia (my G/F) about how bad things that have happened to me as an adult are kind of blips for me...yeah, it sucked but I got through it. I think those of us who have faced the worst things imaginable happening to us and survived have a different way of being. Our coping mechanisms (twisted as some of them may be) are in place to deal with crisis and we deal well.

It's the every day stuff....the noises, the knock on the door, the ring of the phone, a look, a lie.....that mess me up.

I'm rambling.....:)

[Canela]

Thank you Shug! Powerful poem I needed to read today.

I struggle with the first 2 stanzas of the poem. Who am I?

Who am I to have an opinion?
Who am I to set boundaries?
Who am I to need boundaries?
Who am I to tell someone else how I expect to be treated?
Who am I to expect anything?
Who am I to have human reactions?
Who am I to hurt?
Who am I to have feelings?
Who am I to feel afraid?
Who am I to be horrified?
Who am I to take up space?
Who am I to scream?
Who am I to defend myself?
Who am I to have nightmares?
Who am I?

Being brought up in a full on trauma situation I was taught that to think I am brilliant, beautiful, funny, smart or talented is tooting my own horn and thinking too much of myself.

I like the last part of the poem especially where it says that if we let our light shine it gives other people permission to do the same. That is so powerful.

We are here, we are alive, we are deserving, we are stronger than we ever thought was possible. Let's shine!

I was talking to Cynthia (my G/F) about how bad things that have happened to me as an adult are kind of blips for me...yeah, it sucked but I got through it. I think those of us who have faced the worst things imaginable happening to us and survived have a different way of being. Our coping mechanisms (twisted as some of them may be) are in place to deal with crisis and we deal well.

It's the every day stuff....the noises, the knock on the door, the ring of the phone, a look, a lie.....that mess me up.

I'm rambling.....:)

Not rambling, purging...go ahead, get it out of you. This is your thread for this purpose remember? If you can't ramble here, where can you?

I am glad this poem felt good for you. The first time I read it, I didn't think it meant ME too. I thought, this is for everyone else...Did you ever see (and who hasn't?) My big fat greek wedding--the part where she's a kid, walking silently around the table of pretty girls, and wanted to be as invisible as possible? That was me. I could soooo relate to her. Wanting to be invisible and allowing others to make me stay in a "lesser" role or mode...I had to learn to choose that positive words spoken to me were really for me. It took me sooo many years to learn how to accept a compliment, I just couldn't believe they meant them for me. I was somewhat intelligent but I let others make me feel stupid. Until I found that one perfect source that assured me that I was competent, valuable, special and even beautiful. I know I may not be beautiful to everyone...but I feel beautiful most days from the inside out...because I have been healed...and I didn't think it would ever happen but it did, praise God...

Abuse, gone
Anger, mostly gone...
Pain, mostly gone
Depression, mostly gone
Self worth, intact
Self esteem, intact
Competence level, average or above
Love, perfectly perfect

I have issues, problems, conflict sure...but I can't hold onto the past anymore, it just takes so much out of me and I don't want to carry any of that around anymore...it weighs heavily on my back...so I gave it to HIM.

I finally believed and accepted God's love for me.

I don't know how you feel about spirituality, I only know what works for me...

I pray you find what works for you soon too...and if sharing this poem or something else gives you a little lift then amen, I've done what I think I'm supposed to do. Be here for you and everyone who needs me--a friend.

Now I'm rambling...sharing.

[AtLast]

Just stopping in to give a warm virtual Hello to all. Hearing about everyone's trials with PTSD has been on my mind continually the past couple of days. This is a good thing because it is connecting me more with just how powerful a thread like this is with people like you can be. I was off on a hike today with my dog and thought about people here and where I have come and gone and will end up and did a little Chant-Whoop for you all as I sat near a quiet bay inlet, resting. Thought it was one way to lend support, or at least a way for me to try to. You all just plain matter!

[Princess4u]

Not rambling, purging...go ahead, get it out of you. This is your thread for this purpose remember? If you can't ramble here, where can you?

I am glad this poem felt good for you. The first time I read it, I didn't think it meant ME too. I thought, this is for everyone else...Did you ever see (and who hasn't?) My big fat greek wedding--the part where she's a kid, walking silently around the table of pretty girls, and wanted to be as invisible as possible? That was me. I could soooo relate to her. Wanting to be invisible and allowing others to make me stay in a "lesser" role or mode...I had to learn to choose that positive words spoken to me were really for me. It took me sooo many years to learn how to accept a compliment, I just couldn't believe they meant them for me. I was somewhat intelligent but I let others make me feel stupid. Until I found that one perfect source that assured me that I was competent, valuable, special and even beautiful. I know I may not be beautiful to everyone...but I feel beautiful most days from the inside out...because I have been healed...and I didn't think it would ever happen but it did, praise God...

Abuse, gone
Anger, mostly gone...
Pain, mostly gone
Depression, mostly gone
Self worth, intact
Self esteem, intact
Competence level, average or above
Love, perfectly perfect

I have issues, problems, conflict sure...but I can't hold onto the past anymore, it just takes so much out of me and I don't want to carry any of that around anymore...it weighs heavily on my back...so I gave it to HIM.

I finally believed and accepted God's love for me.

I don't know how you feel about spirituality, I only know what works for me...

I pray you find what works for you soon too...and if sharing this poem or something else gives you a little lift then amen, I've done what I think I'm supposed to do. Be here for you and everyone who needs me--a friend.

Now I'm rambling...sharing.



I know!! I know!!! I hear from here mostly..how I am not alone...but it wasnt until I read both of these posts from Shug and "A"...that it now is starting to hit home.....omg....it was like you read my thoughts, but yet they are your own thoughts....could it be....could it really be that we all share that common thread of unworthiness and invisiblness....you are so right....i always looked and the pretty girls and never thought I could be like them...and still do to this very day.....I joke w my friends about just living vicariously thru them....bc I know i will never be worthy enough, pretty enough. good enough, "clean" enough...for anything else..or for anyone to want me....they laugh....and then i ask them...."what's it like to know________?" thank you for your posts....i know now that you really do know where I am at....and I know where you are at and/or have been....much love and peace....

[Princess4u]

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

Dear Andrew.

I will not go into detail about that impromtu meeting in the PTSD chat last week......but I will tell this to you and to the other thread members.....you are all better for not having been there.....and I mean this in all kindness.....I am still suffering flashbacks and panic attacks from the events of that evening....so please my dear friends......feel blessed....you were spared and when I came and posted my message that night....I was very upset and felt violated all over again.....and I continue to have to suffer the price of being manipulated into a place I shouldnt have gone.....I would hate for any of you to have to endure anymore pain and suffering than you have already......hugs and love......Princess.

[Kimbo]

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

Andrew, I want you to know that I want to get involved. We frequent many of the same threads, I do not find you to be stupid, quite the opposite I find you to be an intelligent, kind and compassionate person.

I hear you.

[Dragonfly]

I am sorry Lady Jewel is upset. Someone who is recovering from PTSD should not be a moderator or whatever if you ask me. I even pmed Lady Jewel telling her that I could understood how she felt about the chat. Little did I know it was already going. I feel like a fool, idiot, jackass, and very much silenced. Silenced from my so-called friends who always tell me that they have my back. Right.

If anyone knows me they know I love the show "The Sopranos". I feel like if anyone here even thought of joining the chat who wasn't invited, those who were already in the chat, they conspired against me who stood in their way because of posting about getting into the chat. Hmmmmm, I wonder if it has to do with the rummors that went around about me, or the photographs that someone posted.

I just wonder about the time when my father held a knife to my throat, or when he beat me up, or when he beat me and locked me in a closet, or when xyz and I made the phone calls if my so called friends here would even pick up the phone. The same now as it was then. Nobody wants to get involved because I am not in the click. I am not worthy. I am stupid. I am this or that. I am just not...

The silence is deafening.

Andrew aka my thread mate in the abuse threads all over!

OMG you see? There is a majority of us who feel like your post here. Maybe a lot are Too embarrassed to really express it as bravely and strait forward as you did. Sometimes you voice things for some people who CANNOT.

THAT is what makes us love you so much. You have never failed to be at our sides when we have needed someone. I hope you trust me here and believe me when I say that you ARE THE CLIQUE. We have travelled these roads, some of us, for sooo many years now... over three sites and we have always been there for each other in the face of exclusion feelings. IF like 99% of us posting in support and abuse threads feel similar to you w this issue.... if 99% of us are looking at each other thinking it is "me" that "they" dont want around...

Well see that proves we the majority ARE the actual "CLIQUE" if there was one. I dont care or want to know at this point. I dont think the one or two that are hurtful to you should be given the "status" of being the cool crowd if you really feel shunned by them... Majority rules and I am always going to be here for you my friend. No matter what site I talk to you on. Our support doesn't end no matter what IS or ISN'T going on behind anyone back. I hope you understand me here friend.

I truly believe no ill intent was meant towards you. Pm me and we can compare my notes. But I dont blame you for thinking it.... from what I hear most of us thought "it's me".

*BIG HUGS!!!

Dfly

[Apocalipstic]

Huge Smile!

I will back later to post individually! But thank you each and every one for making me smile this morning! We really do walk very similar roads!

Happy Friday!

[Apocalipstic]

Not rambling, purging...go ahead, get it out of you. This is your thread for this purpose remember? If you can't ramble here, where can you?

I am glad this poem felt good for you. The first time I read it, I didn't think it meant ME too. I thought, this is for everyone else...Did you ever see (and who hasn't?) My big fat greek wedding--the part where she's a kid, walking silently around the table of pretty girls, and wanted to be as invisible as possible? That was me. I could soooo relate to her. Wanting to be invisible and allowing others to make me stay in a "lesser" role or mode...I had to learn to choose that positive words spoken to me were really for me. It took me sooo many years to learn how to accept a compliment, I just couldn't believe they meant them for me. I was somewhat intelligent but I let others make me feel stupid. Until I found that one perfect source that assured me that I was competent, valuable, special and even beautiful. I know I may not be beautiful to everyone...but I feel beautiful most days from the inside out...because I have been healed...and I didn't think it would ever happen but it did, praise God...

Abuse, gone
Anger, mostly gone...
Pain, mostly gone
Depression, mostly gone
Self worth, intact
Self esteem, intact
Competence level, average or above
Love, perfectly perfect

I have issues, problems, conflict sure...but I can't hold onto the past anymore, it just takes so much out of me and I don't want to carry any of that around anymore...it weighs heavily on my back...so I gave it to HIM.

I finally believed and accepted God's love for me.

I don't know how you feel about spirituality, I only know what works for me...

I pray you find what works for you soon too...and if sharing this poem or something else gives you a little lift then amen, I've done what I think I'm supposed to do. Be here for you and everyone who needs me--a friend.

Now I'm rambling...sharing.

Vent! I like that :)

My parents were Southern Baptist Missionaries, so I have issues with religion and God as a celestial dude...but I am working through this and finding my own type of spirituality I can handle.

I went to 14 different schools from kindergartden to 12th grade....yes I have spent a lot of time wanting to be invisible. I pretend I am a lot of the time.

I had a horrible time learning to take a compliment until my Mamaw told me to always just say "thank you" that it was good manners and thats what matters. But I don't always believe the compliments and good manners are not all that matters.

Thank you so much for sharing and being here for us!

Just stopping in to give a warm virtual Hello to all. Hearing about everyone's trials with PTSD has been on my mind continually the past couple of days. This is a good thing because it is connecting me more with just how powerful a thread like this is with people like you can be. I was off on a hike today with my dog and thought about people here and where I have come and gone and will end up and did a little Chant-Whoop for you all as I sat near a quiet bay inlet, resting. Thought it was one way to lend support, or at least a way for me to try to. You all just plain matter!

The outdoors and our dogs and cats give me peace too!

Tha k you so much for being here, sharing and telling us we matter! :)

I know!! I know!!! I hear from here mostly..how I am not alone...but it wasnt until I read both of these posts from Shug and "A"...that it now is starting to hit home.....omg....it was like you read my thoughts, but yet they are your own thoughts....could it be....could it really be that we all share that common thread of unworthiness and invisiblness....you are so right....i always looked and the pretty girls and never thought I could be like them...and still do to this very day.....I joke w my friends about just living vicariously thru them....bc I know i will never be worthy enough, pretty enough. good enough, "clean" enough...for anything else..or for anyone to want me....they laugh....and then i ask them...."what's it like to know________?" thank you for your posts....i know now that you really do know where I am at....and I know where you are at and/or have been....much love and peace....

Yes, yes and Yes! Especially clean enough.

We really do share many of the same thoughts. :)

Andrew aka my thread mate in the abuse threads all over!

OMG you see? There is a majority of us who feel like your post here. Maybe a lot are Too embarrassed to really express it as bravely and strait forward as you did. Sometimes you voice things for some people who CANNOT.

THAT is what makes us love you so much. You have never failed to be at our sides when we have needed someone. I hope you trust me here and believe me when I say that you ARE THE CLIQUE. We have travelled these roads, some of us, for sooo many years now... over three sites and we have always been there for each other in the face of exclusion feelings. IF like 99% of us posting in support and abuse threads feel similar to you w this issue.... if 99% of us are looking at each other thinking it is "me" that "they" dont want around...

Well see that proves we the majority ARE the actual "CLIQUE" if there was one. I dont care or want to know at this point. I dont think the one or two that are hurtful to you should be given the "status" of being the cool crowd if you really feel shunned by them... Majority rules and I am always going to be here for you my friend. No matter what site I talk to you on. Our support doesn't end no matter what IS or ISN'T going on behind anyone back. I hope you understand me here friend.

I truly believe no ill intent was meant towards you. Pm me and we can compare my notes. But I dont blame you for thinking it.... from what I hear most of us thought "it's me".

*BIG HUGS!!!

Dfly

I thought "it's me".

Really until I read the thread this morning! :cheer: and now I know that we all feel the same way.

So glad the thread is back on track!

[Andrew, Jr.]

My PTSD is in full swing. I am just taking some time out from sharing. I am not delusional or have multiple personalities. This is for me, and my boundaries.

Thanks everyone.

Love to all,
Andrew

:sparklyheart:

[Apocalipstic]

My PTSD is in full swing. I am just taking some time out from sharing. I am not delusional or have multiple personalities. This is for me, and my boundaries.

Thanks everyone.

Love to all,
Andrew

:sparklyheart:

It has never crossed my mind that you did!

Enjoy your time off and feel better! Spring is almost here.

[Canela]

Hello hello!!!

Just popping in to say hi and let you all know I was thinking of you! I pray that all of us here have a wonderful PTSD-free week!(f)

See ya here!

Shug

:waitinggirl:

[Apocalipstic]

Hey there Shug! Son far so good on my week, I hope yours is great too!

Hey, I was wondering if anyone would be interested in doing something for the raffle at the reunion?

What do you all think? Maybe something we find helpful for relaxing on a spun out day, that might be helpful to anyone?

[Leigh]

I know!! I know!!! I hear from here mostly..how I am not alone...but it wasnt until I read both of these posts from Shug and "A"...that it now is starting to hit home.....omg....it was like you read my thoughts, but yet they are your own thoughts....could it be....could it really be that we all share that common thread of unworthiness and invisiblness....you are so right....i always looked and the pretty girls and never thought I could be like them...and still do to this very day.....I joke w my friends about just living vicariously thru them....bc I know i will never be worthy enough, pretty enough. good enough, "clean" enough...for anything else..or for anyone to want me....they laugh....and then i ask them...."what's it like to know________?" thank you for your posts....i know now that you really do know where I am at....and I know where you are at and/or have been....much love and peace....

Oh if only I could tell everyone here how many times I've looked in the mirror and said to Myself "your ugly, your unworthy, your worthless, you don't deserve a damn thing so why would you even think that you do?" etc. I look at people in general on a daily basis and want to live vicariously through them, and with many people around Me I tend to do just that. I see friends and family with good solid careers, cars, houses, marriages, anything that a person could ever want and then I look at Myself ......... no career (not even a job), overweight, still living at home at almost 30 yrs old, nothing to My name but some material possessions, a male trapped in a female's body etc and it simply disgusts Me.

I never wanted to be visible when I was younger, but unfotunately being overweight I was always visible (and not in a good way). My peers constantly put Me down for being fat; they would call Me names (hippo, elephant etc), stomp their feet or shake lockers when I walked by like I was gonna cause an earthquake, knocked My books out of My hands, threw things at Me in class when the teachers were gone, just anything to make My life a living hell. And then there is My father, and we could be here forever discussing his negative impact on My life from age 13 until this very day ............

He constantly calls Me a lazy ass, making sure that I know he thinks I'm worthless and wont ever amount to a hill of beans. My depression/panic/anxiety attacks he figures are My excuse to sit at home and do nothing (which isn't true, since he has no idea what its like), its his way or the highway ~ don't like what he says (and because its HIS place and HE pays the bills etc) there is the door dont let it hit your ass on the way out. I'm constantly having to justify Myself to him; whatever I do he has to know about and says he wants to know about My day, but all he wants to do is criticize Me for what I have (or haven't) done.

This is My vent/rant for the day, thanks for listening and I'm glad that we all have this space here for this very purpose (and to know that we all support one another because we know what others are going through) :thumbsup:

Andrew, I want you to know that I want to get involved. We frequent many of the same threads, I do not find you to be stupid, quite the opposite I find you to be an intelligent, kind and compassionate person.

I hear you.

Andrew, if you get to read this just know that I count you as oe of My closest friends and I admire you for always speaking your mind no matter what :)

Andrew aka my thread mate in the abuse threads all over!

OMG you see? There is a majority of us who feel like your post here. Maybe a lot are Too embarrassed to really express it as bravely and strait forward as you did. Sometimes you voice things for some people who CANNOT.

THAT is what makes us love you so much. You have never failed to be at our sides when we have needed someone. I hope you trust me here and believe me when I say that you ARE THE CLIQUE. We have travelled these roads, some of us, for sooo many years now... over three sites and we have always been there for each other in the face of exclusion feelings. IF like 99% of us posting in support and abuse threads feel similar to you w this issue.... if 99% of us are looking at each other thinking it is "me" that "they" dont want around...

Dfly

I certainly speak My mind the way Andrew often does, only because I'm always so worried about what others may say or how they may react ........ I gotta work on that!!!!

Vent! I like that :)

I went to 14 different schools from kindergartden to 12th grade....yes I have spent a lot of time wanting to be invisible. I pretend I am a lot of the time.

Thank you so much for sharing and being here for us!

I remember going from school to school alot when I was younger and wanting to be invisible so no one would see Me, but with being overweight unfortunately I was seen too much and it just made My teenage years horrible ............ I still try and be invisible because its what I'm used to and its like a blanket, its My shield and I feel most comfortable being like a "ghost"

[Canela]

Hey there Shug! Son far so good on my week, I hope yours is great too!

Hey, I was wondering if anyone would be interested in doing something for the raffle at the reunion?

What do you all think? Maybe something we find helpful for relaxing on a spun out day, that might be helpful to anyone?

Yeah yeah!!!! I saw the Crafters thread had donated a basket giveaway. This is something we could do together as a group if you all would like to....I'm sure we could fill up our own basket giveaway, and I for one have the perfect items for relaxing...some spa products to pamper yourself on those days when you need a little pampering...(a pick me up, if you will)...how does that sound? This could be fun!

[Leigh]

I could make a small cross-stitch picture and maybe frame it too for someone to put up in their house :)

[Canela]

Oh if only I could tell everyone here how many times I've looked in the mirror and said to Myself "your ugly, your unworthy, your worthless, you don't deserve a damn thing so why would you even think that you do?" etc. This is My vent/rant for the day, thanks for listening and I'm glad that we all have this space here for this very purpose (and to know that we all support one another because we know what others are going through) :thumbsup:


I still try and be invisible because its what I'm used to and its like a blanket, its My shield and I feel most comfortable being like a "ghost"

:gimmehug:

[Canela]

I could make a small cross-stitch picture and maybe frame it too for someone to put up in their house :)

Alright now! That's the spirit! I know if we all pool together we can fill a fabulous basket with lots of warm and loving gifts...Thanks Braedon!

[Andrew, Jr.]

One of my most favorite & treasured item I have is a cross-stiched framed saying just the word "FAITH" that my oldest niece did. It is gorgeous.


:dogwalking:

[Leigh]

:gimmehug:

And I send one right back to you hun :gimmehug:

Alright now! That's the spirit! I know if we all pool together we can fill a fabulous basket with lots of warm and loving gifts...Thanks Braedon!

I have many ideas for this already Shug, so now I just have to pick one (or maybe make a couple or even three to go together) :)


One of my most favorite & treasured item I have is a cross-stiched framed saying just the word "FAITH" that my oldest niece did. It is gorgeous.


I have a cross-stitch book with all sorts of little sayings like that here, maybe I should look through it and see what I can find? :thumbsup:

[Apocalipstic]

Good morning fellow PTSDers. :)


Oh if only I could tell everyone here how many times I've looked in the mirror and said to Myself "your ugly, your unworthy, your worthless, you don't deserve a damn thing so why would you even think that you do?" etc. I look at people in general on a daily basis and want to live vicariously through them, and with many people around Me I tend to do just that. I see friends and family with good solid careers, cars, houses, marriages, anything that a person could ever want and then I look at Myself ......... no career (not even a job), overweight, still living at home at almost 30 yrs old, nothing to My name but some material possessions, a male trapped in a female's body etc and it simply disgusts Me.

I never wanted to be visible when I was younger, but unfotunately being overweight I was always visible (and not in a good way). My peers constantly put Me down for being fat; they would call Me names (hippo, elephant etc), stomp their feet or shake lockers when I walked by like I was gonna cause an earthquake, knocked My books out of My hands, threw things at Me in class when the teachers were gone, just anything to make My life a living hell. And then there is My father, and we could be here forever discussing his negative impact on My life from age 13 until this very day ............

He constantly calls Me a lazy ass, making sure that I know he thinks I'm worthless and wont ever amount to a hill of beans. My depression/panic/anxiety attacks he figures are My excuse to sit at home and do nothing (which isn't true, since he has no idea what its like), its his way or the highway ~ don't like what he says (and because its HIS place and HE pays the bills etc) there is the door dont let it hit your ass on the way out. I'm constantly having to justify Myself to him; whatever I do he has to know about and says he wants to know about My day, but all he wants to do is criticize Me for what I have (or haven't) done.

This is My vent/rant for the day, thanks for listening and I'm glad that we all have this space here for this very purpose (and to know that we all support one another because we know what others are going through) :thumbsup:



Andrew, if you get to read this just know that I count you as oe of My closest friends and I admire you for always speaking your mind no matter what :)



I certainly speak My mind the way Andrew often does, only because I'm always so worried about what others may say or how they may react ........ I gotta work on that!!!!



I remember going from school to school alot when I was younger and wanting to be invisible so no one would see Me, but with being overweight unfortunately I was seen too much and it just made My teenage years horrible ............ I still try and be invisible because its what I'm used to and its like a blanket, its My shield and I feel most comfortable being like a "ghost"

I totally get this. I have always been overweight too and was always the new kid being teased as a kid. I also am AS so I don't even "get" a lot of the jokes.

My father said the same things to me. That I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything.....ad nauseum.

30 was my watershed year. I hated my life and started to make teeny improvements. To this day when I feel like I have not accomplished enough in my life, I make myself decide that as long as I have made any improvement I am doing great. Even if it is making a list or a phone call I need to.

One of the best things I ever did was get away from my father. I was finally strong enough at 35. I wrote him a letter about how it made me want to die when he did not treat me with respect and that unless he could do that I was gone. I never saw him again. Before that, I kept thinking it was me somehow and that if I could act right, he would change.

I am on meds now and they do make me even more overweight than I used to be, but I have reached a certain peace with that. So damn what? I am fat. My father and grandmother would always tell me I was "bigger than a barn" or to not wear red cause I "looked like a barn", all for my own good of course...not sure what the barn fixation was about either?

I feel like a ghost sometimes too, especially if for some reason my meds are interrupted or intercepted...like right now, I spent a couple of weeks on steroids for ashtma and my mind is not right.

I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who is not positive. Not at work, not at home, not in my friendships.

I want you to know that you are not alone and that things can get better. That every day is a new fresh start. You can be who you want to be.


Yeah yeah!!!! I saw the Crafters thread had donated a basket giveaway. This is something we could do together as a group if you all would like to....I'm sure we could fill up our own basket giveaway, and I for one have the perfect items for relaxing...some spa products to pamper yourself on those days when you need a little pampering...(a pick me up, if you will)...how does that sound? This could be fun!

Yeay! I think I Will make a great relaxation CD and get some grown up coloring books and colored pencils. When I am spun out this always helps. Would you like to spearhead the project?? :)

I could make a small cross-stitch picture and maybe frame it too for someone to put up in their house :)

I think that would be wonderful! Grin!

I hope everyone has a good day and that we each do one positive thing for ourselves today.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

[Andrew, Jr.]

Braeden,

I have found that if I surround myself and my home with things that bring me comfort and joy, it will also bring the same to those who enter my home. I have only had 1 person reject my home, but I blame that on religious beliefs systems. For example, I have religious items everywhere. It brings me comfort and joy. Like my nieces "Faith" cross-stitch that I have framed. It means the world to me. But to the 1 guest who came into my home, I received a smart ass remark about it. Others just have complimented me on it.

Go for it. May it bring you comfort, joy, and peace.

Love,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Braeden,

I have found that if I surround myself and my home with things that bring me comfort and joy, it will also bring the same to those who enter my home. I have only had 1 person reject my home, but I blame that on religious beliefs systems. For example, I have religious items everywhere. It brings me comfort and joy. Like my nieces "Faith" cross-stitch that I have framed. It means the world to me. But to the 1 guest who came into my home, I received a smart ass remark about it. Others just have complimented me on it.

Go for it. May it bring you comfort, joy, and peace.

Love,
Andrew




Did you let them come back?

[Leigh]

I totally get this. I have always been overweight too and was always the new kid being teased as a kid. I also am AS so I don't even "get" a lot of the jokes.

My father said the same things to me. That I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything.....ad nauseum.

30 was my watershed year. I hated my life and started to make teeny improvements. To this day when I feel like I have not accomplished enough in my life, I make myself decide that as long as I have made any improvement I am doing great. Even if it is making a list or a phone call I need to.

One of the best things I ever did was get away from my father. I was finally strong enough at 35. I wrote him a letter about how it made me want to die when he did not treat me with respect and that unless he could do that I was gone. I never saw him again. Before that, I kept thinking it was me somehow and that if I could act right, he would change.

I feel like a ghost sometimes too, especially if for some reason my meds are interrupted or intercepted...like right now, I spent a couple of weeks on steroids for ashtma and my mind is not right.

I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who is not positive. Not at work, not at home, not in my friendships.

I want you to know that you are not alone and that things can get better. That every day is a new fresh start. You can be who you want to be.


I think that would be wonderful! Grin!

I hope everyone has a good day and that we each do one positive thing for ourselves today.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

I will be turning 30 later on this month and I have also found that this seems to be My watershed year. Coming out as being FTM has helped Me alot with really beginning to see Myself in a whole nother light. I've often started writing My dad a letter, wanting to tell him how I feel but I've always chickened out right near the beginning and it ends up getting thrown out. Maybe this will be the year, that I will finally be able to let all of My emotions go and be able to tell him how I truly feel. Maybe ..........

Most of My adult life has been filled with people who are negative in some aspect or another, and I am trying to weed through that because I can tell that its affecting Me overall. I've noticed that I have been in a happier mood lately, maybe because I feel now that with starting to come out as being a guy and with so far having a fairly positive response to it overall its just been making Me really happy about My life. I am being more of who I want to be now, and its been doing wonders for My self-esteem and My confidence :)

I looked through one cross-stitch book this morning and found three different patterns that I am going to use to make three separate projects to send down as part of our basket ~ pretty awesome I must say :dance2:


Braeden,

I have found that if I surround myself and my home with things that bring me comfort and joy, it will also bring the same to those who enter my home. I have only had 1 person reject my home, but I blame that on religious beliefs systems. For example, I have religious items everywhere. It brings me comfort and joy. Like my nieces "Faith" cross-stitch that I have framed. It means the world to me. But to the 1 guest who came into my home, I received a smart ass remark about it. Others just have complimented me on it.

Go for it. May it bring you comfort, joy, and peace.

Love,
Andrew


Thats a great idea Andrew. I know that with living at home, stuff I would normally put out to bring My comfort and joy I wouldn't here (mostly because I don't wanna have to explain Myself to My father when he gets nosy). I'm looking at possibly moving out into My own place this summer ....... I desperately need My own space, and I think that its about time I did something for Myself :)

[Jet]

Shortly after my trauma I prayed every day. I went to Mass, said the Rosary, prayed incessantly for help. I will never forget the day I sat in the St. Peter's school chapel in front of the Blessed Sacrament in a hour of Perpetual Adoration. A fire alarm went off. And the principle, who was nun, came in and quietly said to me, "you and Jesus are in a fire drill."

Well, He and I are still in a fire drill because of a raging fire. But He's bringing me through. Thanks for your prayers.

[Apocalipstic]

I will be turning 30 later on this month and I have also found that this seems to be My watershed year. Coming out as being FTM has helped Me alot with really beginning to see Myself in a whole nother light. I've often started writing My dad a letter, wanting to tell him how I feel but I've always chickened out right near the beginning and it ends up getting thrown out. Maybe this will be the year, that I will finally be able to let all of My emotions go and be able to tell him how I truly feel. Maybe ..........

Most of My adult life has been filled with people who are negative in some aspect or another, and I am trying to weed through that because I can tell that its affecting Me overall. I've noticed that I have been in a happier mood lately, maybe because I feel now that with starting to come out as being a guy and with so far having a fairly positive response to it overall its just been making Me really happy about My life. I am being more of who I want to be now, and its been doing wonders for My self-esteem and My confidence :)

I looked through one cross-stitch book this morning and found three different patterns that I am going to use to make three separate projects to send down as part of our basket ~ pretty awesome I must say :dance2:



Thats a great idea Andrew. I know that with living at home, stuff I would normally put out to bring My comfort and joy I wouldn't here (mostly because I don't wanna have to explain Myself to My father when he gets nosy). I'm looking at possibly moving out into My own place this summer ....... I desperately need My own space, and I think that its about time I did something for Myself :)

Have you thought about keeping the letters just for you. Writing the letters helps you, even if you don't ever give one to your father.

If you do give him a letter, maybe waiting till after you move would be a safe option? So you don't have to live in "his" house when he reads it. I know in my case, I could never had done it if I was dependant on my father for anything.

Yeay on the crosstitch!

Sending positive thoughts for a smooth move to your own place very soon!


Shortly after my trauma I prayed every day. I went to Mass, said the Rosary, prayed incessantly for help. I will never forget the day I sat in the St. Peter's school chapel in front of the Blessed Sacrament in a hour of Perpetual Adoration. A fire alarm went off. And the principle, who was nun, came in and quietly said to me, "you and Jesus are in a fire drill."

Well, He and I are still in a fire drill because of a raging fire. But He's bringing me through. Thanks for your prayers.

It is like a fire drill isn't it? Full alert. Fight or Flight.

Thinking about you and hoping your week is good.

[Princess4u]

Shortly after my trauma I prayed every day. I went to Mass, said the Rosary, prayed incessantly for help. I will never forget the day I sat in the St. Peter's school chapel in front of the Blessed Sacrament in a hour of Perpetual Adoration. A fire alarm went off. And the principle, who was nun, came in and quietly said to me, "you and Jesus are in a fire drill."

Well, He and I are still in a fire drill because of a raging fire. But He's bringing me through. Thanks for your prayers.

My dear Jet,

Fires do burn out eventually...hang in there my friend...when i lived in florida the summer of 1998 there were many wild fires which threatened us....my county had to evacuate and the firemen stayed to safe our town....one day 3 fire walls..merged into one and were head towards a subdivision of homes which they were already trying to protect....all they could do was take a fire blanket and cover themselves for protection...praise Jesus...they all survived...the LORD....is your fire blanket sweet Jet....use HIM to cover you from this wall of fire....

[Apocalipstic]

I'm having a symptom-y week. It's nice out which helps, but memories running around in my head, hypervigilant and in very fight or flight mode.

Earlier I hear someone calling my name, no one around...which creeps me out to no end. My therapist says as long as I know no one is there and I am just hearing voices, not believing in them its OK.....but still....Creepy.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Apocalipstic,

The person who showed up at my door unannounced (no call, emails, etc.) I kicked her out. Never to return - thank God above. The only problem is the constant gossip that continues on. Do you remember the game we used to play as kids called "telephone"? It is like that.

As for the hearing your name called - it is a part of what is called learning/auditory processing delay. Some folks actually wear hearing aids for help with this. It isn't tinnitus, it is something totally different.


:ohm:

[Apocalipstic]

Apocalipstic,

The person who showed up at my door unannounced (no call, emails, etc.) I kicked her out. Never to return - thank God above. The only problem is the constant gossip that continues on. Do you remember the game we used to play as kids called "telephone"? It is like that.

As for the hearing your name called - it is a part of what is called learning/auditory processing delay. Some folks actually wear hearing aids for help with this. It isn't tinnitus, it is something totally different.


:ohm:

On the gossip, I like to think that at least I am being talked about and not forgotten. :) People who know you know its crap..and yes, it is totally like Telephone. I am finally getting to the point I care not!

I need to look up that auditory processing delay, never heard of it. Thank you.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I have it. I would like to afford the hearing aids, but they are out of my budget. There is a book you can read on it called "What the brain can't hear" or something close to that. It is just about this disorder.

[Apocalipstic]

I have it. I would like to afford the hearing aids, but they are out of my budget. There is a book you can read on it called "What the brain can't hear" or something close to that. It is just about this disorder.


I just read about it and have for a while been thinking about getting a hearing aid, even though my hearing tests normal.

I have to ask people to repeat over and over what they are saying. I have almost every symptom listed in the articles, except I read very well and have ease with languages except spelling and typos (but that is because I go too fast and can't see the spellcheck thingie, unless I go back and edit.)

I wish people had known about this stuff when I was a kid. Seriously.
They just thought I was not applying myself. It makes me angry.

What the artcles I read did not mention is hearing voices. Is this a part of it?

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yes, that is part of it. Do you have seizures? It can be from the kind of seizures you have as well. It is called Partial Complex Seizures. I know my life would have been so different if we were treated back then instead of struggling all the time. Every thing is a struggle. I told someone once that I feel like I am on the sidelines of life while everyone else is on the playing field. They are able to keep moving up and have the options and things in life that I can only dream of.

[Canela]

Hi everyone!

So good to see you out and posting today! This is my first stop when I come in here...I look forward to it...watching us, share, learn, help, support, nurture, vent and all that we do...I feel more at home here than anywhere else...I post in others, but this has become my home thread, if you will....

As for the basket, that is so fabulous that you all are thinking about contributing...no gift too small, homemade is so special, I'm thinking of adding a jewelry set I've made as well as the pampering stuff...It sounds cool to me...

Apocalipstic, I hope you meant that comment for me about heaading up this basket donation cuz I am willing and ready and able...(I am already thinking of other things to add...)lol...

Andrew, hi brother! I missed you...Jet, glad to see you sharing again...Princess4U snaps to you, you're awesome! Braedon, I thank you for the hug back....I love hugs...Ima hug everybody when I see you (if/when) I see you at the reunion if y'all make it...

Apocalipstic, thanks for your thread and an opportunity to voice, vent, rant, encourage, respond and share here...you done good...(hope that doesn't sound condescending...)

Love, hugs and many blessings to you all--(f)
Little Shug


:aslIloveyou:

[Semantics]

I'm having a symptom-y week. It's nice out which helps, but memories running around in my head, hypervigilant and in very fight or flight mode.

Earlier I hear someone calling my name, no one around...which creeps me out to no end. My therapist says as long as I know no one is there and I am just hearing voices, not believing in them its OK.....but still....Creepy.



What the artcles I read did not mention is hearing voices. Is this a part of it?

It could be auditory hallucinations, which can be a symptom of the PTSD.
There are specific treatments for auditory hallucinations and hopefully your therapist can help you.

http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n114/Holly3257/smilies/hug.gif

[Rook]

I sympathize with the auditory hallucination issue...
However...
I can safely say, you're gonna have a helluva ride finding decent hearing aids, especially if you hear quite alright, Unless u manage to get medical clearance {your psychologist/psychiatrist, for example, could recommend or prescribe a low dB hearing aid, inner ear type}
I'm profoundly Deaf, and I have a really...fucked up dandy time getting medical/insurance approval for 1, every 4 years :readfineprint: [ they happily talk about cochlear implant, but that's a different issue, different thread ]

I do wish you good luck, if they say that'll help you.:clover:

[Leigh]

Apocalipstic,

The person who showed up at my door unannounced (no call, emails, etc.) I kicked her out. Never to return - thank God above. The only problem is the constant gossip that continues on. Do you remember the game we used to play as kids called "telephone"? It is like that.

:ohm:

I am so glad that this person has not stepped foot in your house again Andrew, you certainly dont need that kind of person in your life :thumbsup:

On the gossip, I like to think that at least I am being talked about and not forgotten. :) People who know you know its crap..and yes, it is totally like Telephone. I am finally getting to the point I care not!

I wanted to highlight that one part of your post hun because I am getting to this point as well, its taken Me awhile but better late than never :)


Yes, that is part of it. Do you have seizures? It can be from the kind of seizures you have as well. It is called Partial Complex Seizures. I know my life would have been so different if we were treated back then instead of struggling all the time. Every thing is a struggle. I told someone once that I feel like I am on the sidelines of life while everyone else is on the playing field. They are able to keep moving up and have the options and things in life that I can only dream of.


I feel this way all the time Andrew, glad to know I'm not alone!!!

Hi everyone!

So good to see you out and posting today! This is my first stop when I come in here...I look forward to it...watching us, share, learn, help, support, nurture, vent and all that we do...I feel more at home here than anywhere else...I post in others, but this has become my home thread, if you will....

Andrew, hi brother! I missed you...Jet, glad to see you sharing again...Princess4U snaps to you, you're awesome! Braedon, I thank you for the hug back....I love hugs...Ima hug everybody when I see you (if/when) I see you at the reunion if y'all make it...

Love, hugs and many blessings to you all--(f)
Little Shug

I would love to go but due to finances, I don't see that happening however if I could go I would be very disappointed if I didn't get a hug :D

[Canela]

Oh sorry, and hello to Apocalipstic and Rook--hadn't seen you around but I'm glad you're here, too...Have a great evening y'all...I'm trying to go to bed, but that inhalor they gave me makes me jittery and a little hyper :elefant: so I am just lurking and trying to get sleepy cuz I need some sleep! The inhalor raises my blood pressure a little and I get fussy, like now, my puppy is irritating me and there's nothing to watch on the tv that captures my attention...geez....what is this...I need some chamomile tea...yeah..

Braedon, I wish you could come...maybe let's pray about it...and see what's in store for you...I promise if you make it and I make it, Ima give everybody here a hug...I already told my hunny...hy's okay with it...lol...

Good night all! God bless you greatly.

Love, Shug

[Leigh]

Braedon, I wish you could come...maybe let's pray about it...and see what's in store for you...I promise if you make it and I make it, Ima give everybody here a hug...I already told my hunny...hy's okay with it...lol...

Good night all! God bless you greatly.

Love, Shug


(((((((((((((Shug)))))))))))) If we could both make it I look forward to a hug, and I'm glad your honey is okay with it :)

[Random]

FF,

My father tells anyone who cries that they are cry babies. I actually had to look it up in the dictionary to figure out what he was saying. It wasn't in there. I ended up asking my older brother what our father was telling us. My brother told me to just ignore him.

My father is dying a very slow, death. I just pity him. He is not a man, but a weak human being. He can throw anything my way, and I just catch it and throw it back to him. Let him deal with it because I am long done playing that game.

Life is for the living, and to be lived. :golf:

Andrew
:bbq::tanning::bedfuck::waterski:

Andrew.. Do you still have contact with this person?

Actually, that is a question I often wonder... Do people keep their abusers in their life.. and if so.. why?

*Not just idle curiousity... I just go the other way.. I handle things by dissociation *

[Andrew, Jr.]

The only reason my bio-father is in my life is due to my mother. I cherish her, and the the ground she walks on. I only see her once a year, and that is not nearly enough, but that is due to my father.

[Apocalipstic]

Yes, that is part of it. Do you have seizures? It can be from the kind of seizures you have as well. It is called Partial Complex Seizures. I know my life would have been so different if we were treated back then instead of struggling all the time. Every thing is a struggle. I told someone once that I feel like I am on the sidelines of life while everyone else is on the playing field. They are able to keep moving up and have the options and things in life that I can only dream of.


No seizures. Just voices. :)

Hi everyone!

So good to see you out and posting today! This is my first stop when I come in here...I look forward to it...watching us, share, learn, help, support, nurture, vent and all that we do...I feel more at home here than anywhere else...I post in others, but this has become my home thread, if you will....

As for the basket, that is so fabulous that you all are thinking about contributing...no gift too small, homemade is so special, I'm thinking of adding a jewelry set I've made as well as the pampering stuff...It sounds cool to me...

Apocalipstic, I hope you meant that comment for me about heaading up this basket donation cuz I am willing and ready and able...(I am already thinking of other things to add...)lol...

Andrew, hi brother! I missed you...Jet, glad to see you sharing again...Princess4U snaps to you, you're awesome! Braedon, I thank you for the hug back....I love hugs...Ima hug everybody when I see you (if/when) I see you at the reunion if y'all make it...

Apocalipstic, thanks for your thread and an opportunity to voice, vent, rant, encourage, respond and share here...you done good...(hope that doesn't sound condescending...)

Love, hugs and many blessings to you all--(f)
Little Shug


:aslIloveyou:

I did mean you! :lips:
and thank you!

It could be auditory hallucinations, which can be a symptom of the PTSD.
There are specific treatments for auditory hallucinations and hopefully your therapist can help you.

http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n114/Holly3257/smilies/hug.gif

We are working on it. I was having visual hallucinations too and those have mostly stopped for now.

I sympathize with the auditory hallucination issue...
However...
I can safely say, you're gonna have a helluva ride finding decent hearing aids, especially if you hear quite alright, Unless u manage to get medical clearance {your psychologist/psychiatrist, for example, could recommend or prescribe a low dB hearing aid, inner ear type}
I'm profoundly Deaf, and I have a really...fucked up dandy time getting medical/insurance approval for 1, every 4 years :readfineprint: [ they happily talk about cochlear implant, but that's a different issue, different thread ]

I do wish you good luck, if they say that'll help you.:clover:

I am hoping it is just part of my PTSD,
If it keep happening I will ask for more testing. Thank you :)

Oh sorry, and hello to Apocalipstic and Rook--hadn't seen you around but I'm glad you're here, too...Have a great evening y'all...I'm trying to go to bed, but that inhalor they gave me makes me jittery and a little hyper :elefant: so I am just lurking and trying to get sleepy cuz I need some sleep! The inhalor raises my blood pressure a little and I get fussy, like now, my puppy is irritating me and there's nothing to watch on the tv that captures my attention...geez....what is this...I need some chamomile tea...yeah..

Braedon, I wish you could come...maybe let's pray about it...and see what's in store for you...I promise if you make it and I make it, Ima give everybody here a hug...I already told my hunny...hy's okay with it...lol...

Good night all! God bless you greatly.

Love, Shug

I hate inhalers or anything speedy. I hope today you feel way better!
yeay for chamomile! :)


(((((((((((((Shug)))))))))))) If we could both make it I look forward to a hug, and I'm glad your honey is okay with it :)

I am 46 and just now learning not to care. :)

Andrew.. Do you still have contact with this person?

Actually, that is a question I often wonder... Do people keep their abusers in their life.. and if so.. why?

*Not just idle curiousity... I just go the other way.. I handle things by dissociation *

Before I did separate myself from my father, I did not understand that I was strong enough to walk away. I stayed out of fear and some weird sense of duty.

Abusers are often manipulative, so many probably do not know why they stay.


The only reason my bio-father is in my life is due to my mother. I cherish her, and the the ground she walks on. I only see her once a year, and that is not nearly enough, but that is due to my father.



Does he treat her like he does you?

[Random]

Before I did separate myself from my father, I did not understand that I was strong enough to walk away. I stayed out of fear and some weird sense of duty.

Abusers are often manipulative, so many probably do not know why they stay.



I can somewhat understand that..

For me... I shut down.. I distance myself... The more *broke* I feel, the more *fragile* I am.. The more distant and cold I become.. Instinctive self protection.. If I can't feel anything, then nothing can hurt me.. Memories have no sway, words have no meaning... nothing touches me... For me.. sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing... If I shut down too hard, too fast, it can take months for me to be able to feel anything again..

But for me... Not feeling is better than crazy time...

[Apocalipstic]

I can somewhat understand that..

For me... I shut down.. I distance myself... The more *broke* I feel, the more *fragile* I am.. The more distant and cold I become.. Instinctive self protection.. If I can't feel anything, then nothing can hurt me.. Memories have no sway, words have no meaning... nothing touches me... For me.. sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing... If I shut down too hard, too fast, it can take months for me to be able to feel anything again..

But for me... Not feeling is better than crazy time...

My experience has been pretty similar. We all develop different coping mechanisms and for me distancing works. Even as a kid, when I had no choice but to ge where I was (or kill myself ,someone else or run away) I buried myself in books and music and art. I escaped.

Today in therapy we discussed how this inertia...this inability to act has actually served me well.

I am not dead or in jail.

[Random]

*Nods*......

Alive and not in jail is a very good thing...

[Andrew, Jr.]

Oh, my father is mean, nasty, and has a razor sharp tongue. It doesn't matter if he knows you or not. He just says whatever he is thinking to whomever. It is very embarassing at times. He is very sick mentally.

[Apocalipstic]

Oh, my father is mean, nasty, and has a razor sharp tongue. It doesn't matter if he knows you or not. He just says whatever he is thinking to whomever. It is very embarassing at times. He is very sick mentally.


So he treats your mother as bad as he does you?

I often wonder why my mother stayed with my father. The church I guess?

[Princess4u]

So he treats your mother as bad as he does you?

I often wonder why my mother stayed with my father. The church I guess?

I think...that ppl stay in an abusive relationship for many reasons...including the church. Also I think when abuse is all you know...there is a comfort there that is hard to break away from. You know what to expect, you know how to behave, you know how to protect yourself and what the particular buttons are to avoid. Its comfort in knowing how to be or how to exist. It is taking me a long time of trying to believe friends when they pay me a compliment because...I feel so unworthy of kindness and good ppl. I am so used to knowing how to behave and talk , walk, dress be what was expected of me...just so i could survive. I wonder if perhaps this isnt true for your mom? If you think about it..and I dont know how old you are to begin to guess how old your mom is...but my mom was born in the 30"s and they were taught to do what the husband tells you to...that you suck it up and never complain. Family secrets are to remain as secrets and you "never aire your dirty laundry" god how many times I have heard that in my life! I was raised with the same mentality...I was told over and over again..."you dont have to know how to do (this or that) because you will have a husband and he will take care of those things." Like oh how to start and maintain a checking account. How to get a car fixed or what to ask to do so...how to budget money, how to fill a gas tank. Hummmmmm <looking around> there aint any husband here...or even a hym for that matter. My brother on the other hand was taken aside and taught all of these things ad many more....just trying to point out how parent influence us and their parents influenced them. Just a thought! hope it helps a bit

[Apocalipstic]

I think...that ppl stay in an abusive relationship for many reasons...including the church. Also I think when abuse is all you know...there is a comfort there that is hard to break away from. You know what to expect, you know how to behave, you know how to protect yourself and what the particular buttons are to avoid. Its comfort in knowing how to be or how to exist. It is taking me a long time of trying to believe friends when they pay me a compliment because...I feel so unworthy of kindness and good ppl. I am so used to knowing how to behave and talk , walk, dress be what was expected of me...just so i could survive. I wonder if perhaps this isnt true for your mom? If you think about it..and I dont know how old you are to begin to guess how old your mom is...but my mom was born in the 30"s and they were taught to do what the husband tells you to...that you suck it up and never complain. Family secrets are to remain as secrets and you "never aire your dirty laundry" god how many times I have heard that in my life! I was raised with the same mentality...I was told over and over again..."you dont have to know how to do (this or that) because you will have a husband and he will take care of those things." Like oh how to start and maintain a checking account. How to get a car fixed or what to ask to do so...how to budget money, how to fill a gas tank. Hummmmmm <looking around> there aint any husband here...or even a hym for that matter. My brother on the other hand was taken aside and taught all of these things ad many more....just trying to point out how parent influence us and their parents influenced them. Just a thought! hope it helps a bit

My mother died, but what you say makes complete sense and I grew up pretty similarly to you it sounds like. I am 46. S excited to meet you when you come to town.

[Princess4u]

My mother died, but what you say makes complete sense and I grew up pretty similarly to you it sounds like. I am 46. S excited to meet you when you come to town.

I am sorry to hear about your mom...my mother died too...and we werent very close at all..as a matter of fact she is part of my PTSD...both of us girls...were far from her faviourite and she let us know on a daily basis...!!!! I hope you didnt have the same issues w your mom!!!

[Andrew, Jr.]

I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

Life is not easy. It is a challenge. It is not for extra credit. Extending a hand is not something that a mother should have to be taught. :reader:

[Princess4u]

I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

Life is not easy. It is a challenge. It is not for extra credit. Extending a hand is not something that a mother should have to be taught. :reader:


I agree Andrew...and I could say the same out my dad not standing up to my mom over us girls....I think both parents should do what is in their power to protect their children.....my mom was not kind at all to my father either...so he was beaten down w us girls...but he did nothing to stop it even when it was right in his face literally....I think sometimes...some parents just try to keep the peace and not make things worse for anyone...including themselves. Not that its right...just saying that is what i think

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yea, I think it is much easier to keep peace than go against the waves. You're right about that one!

[PearlsNLace]

I really can understand the anger for moms not standing up for their kids.

What allows me to have any relationship with my mother, even though she did not protect me, is this: I dont think my mom saw that horror as abnormal. I think it was so normal to her, that even though on one hand, she knew it was aweful, for her it was also inevitable. I really think it was hard for her to relate to my dad because he was NOT horrible. For Mom, she kept waiting for the shoe to drop, and bad things start to happen. When it didnt, she began to unravel and be horrible just for things to feel on even keel for her messed up fragile psychotic brain to process as "safe". This will probably make no sense unless you have delt with people who have schitzophrenia and personality disorders like my momma does.

It is through this experience that I filter my anger through. In this context, I dont know what options my mom had. I really do believe that she did the best she could with the information she had at the time. I dont know if that might work for anyone else- I wish you healing and peace on your own journeys.

[Jet]

When my trauma occurred, my mother flew in from California to take care of me. She took care of my apartment, car, bills and sat in the hospital with me until my release. There was no one like her as being a terrific mother and friend to me. As I relive and reprocess my trauma, after 17 years, thinking of her being there helps with this purging and reliving process today. These days, I think of her often as I remember what happened. It helps to sooth the pain.

My father and stepmother were also there and so were my friends.

[Princess4u]

I really can understand the anger for moms not standing up for their kids.

What allows me to have any relationship with my mother, even though she did not protect me, is this: I dont think my mom saw that horror as abnormal. I think it was so normal to her, that even though on one hand, she knew it was aweful, for her it was also inevitable. I really think it was hard for her to relate to my dad because he was NOT horrible. For Mom, she kept waiting for the shoe to drop, and bad things start to happen. When it didnt, she began to unravel and be horrible just for things to feel on even keel for her messed up fragile psychotic brain to process as "safe". This will probably make no sense unless you have delt with people who have schitzophrenia and personality disorders like my momma does.

It is through this experience that I filter my anger through. In this context, I dont know what options my mom had. I really do believe that she did the best she could with the information she had at the time. I dont know if that might work for anyone else- I wish you healing and peace on your own journeys.

My sister and I talk about my mom ....my sister is 11 years older than myself...so she remembers mom when she was kinda nice...but we think she had some boarderline personality disorder...but who knows....she could flip like a pancake on sunday morning...omg...it could be a nightmare at times. I used to say that "my mom did the best with what she had." I also would say, "well she did us the way her mom did her." My grandmom was a bitch on wheels..she hated us too...and wasnt quiet about it....she love my cousins...adored them to pieces....to the point where if we were all down there for the summer together...she would feed my cousins first and IF....and i mean IF there was anything left...we could have it...we being my baby brother and myself (he's 18months younger) I dont know...maybe they both did the best they knew how....of course I am not so sure how that relates to the many times my GM almost killed me when i was a baby...and yet my mother kept taking me back there...go figure. I dont hate my mother anymore....she is dead...and that is that...sometimes...i miss a mom....my friends mothers seemed to always take me in as their own....my friends always saw her for what she was....i guess where my mom is concerned I will always feel dead inside. Perhaps its better that way.

[Leigh]

Andrew.. Do you still have contact with this person?

Actually, that is a question I often wonder... Do people keep their abusers in their life.. and if so.. why?

*Not just idle curiousity... I just go the other way.. I handle things by dissociation *

Right now My father is in My life mostly because I live at home right now, and trying to get away from him in "his" house is next to impossible. Sometimes I've wanted to just tell him to f**k off and leave us all alone (My, My sister and My mom) but I just never seem to get the courage to do so :(

I am 46 and just now learning not to care. :)

I think learning this at any age is a big step!!!!!

Oh, my father is mean, nasty, and has a razor sharp tongue. It doesn't matter if he knows you or not. He just says whatever he is thinking to whomever. It is very embarassing at times. He is very sick mentally.

Alot of this sounds WAY too familiar, as My father can be the exact same way. He will say whatever he wants to, anytime that he wants to and will not hesitate to speak his mind even if he is a complete jackass about it. He is always right and everyone else is wrong (or braind dead); he will tell you exactly what he thinks of you even if he has only just met you and will judge you based on anything (religion, looks etc). He treats My mom and both us kids like we're pieces of dirt; he has called My poor sweet 12 yr old autistic sister fat, lazy, retarded etc, he is very condescending and is all about him ........... of course I could go on, but why? I think you all get the picture :runforhills:



I think...that ppl stay in an abusive relationship for many reasons...including the church. Also I think when abuse is all you know...there is a comfort there that is hard to break away from. You know what to expect, you know how to behave, you know how to protect yourself and what the particular buttons are to avoid. Its comfort in knowing how to be or how to exist. It is taking me a long time of trying to believe friends when they pay me a compliment because...I feel so unworthy of kindness and good ppl. I am so used to knowing how to behave and talk , walk, dress be what was expected of me...just so i could survive. I wonder if perhaps this isnt true for your mom? If you think about it..and I dont know how old you are to begin to guess how old your mom is...but my mom was born in the 30"s and they were taught to do what the husband tells you to...that you suck it up and never complain. Family secrets are to remain as secrets and you "never aire your dirty laundry" god how many times I have heard that in my life! I was raised with the same mentality...I was told over and over again..."you dont have to know how to do (this or that) because you will have a husband and he will take care of those things." Like oh how to start and maintain a checking account. How to get a car fixed or what to ask to do so...how to budget money, how to fill a gas tank. Hummmmmm <looking around> there aint any husband here...or even a hym for that matter. My brother on the other hand was taken aside and taught all of these things ad many more....just trying to point out how parent influence us and their parents influenced them. Just a thought! hope it helps a bit

It is very hard to break away from an abusive relationship when its all you've ever known. My mom has been with My father for 15 yrs and has talked so many times about leaving him but never has. She says its because of My sister and while I partly believe that its true, part of Me doesn't believe that and I just know that she'll never leave him no matter how abusive he is :(

I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

I'm very lucky that My mom does stand up for My dad for herself as well as Me and My sister, but I also know that he is so good at cutting someone down that no matter how good you are at sticking up for yourself, he will knock you down everytime and I've seen My mom close to a heart attack and suicide because of his actions!!

I agree Andrew...and I could say the same out my dad not standing up to my mom over us girls....I think both parents should do what is in their power to protect their children.....my mom was not kind at all to my father either...so he was beaten down w us girls...but he did nothing to stop it even when it was right in his face literally....I think sometimes...some parents just try to keep the peace and not make things worse for anyone...including themselves. Not that its right...just saying that is what i think

My mom used to always keep the peace, until one say she just stood upto him and continues to do so to this day .......... she's pretty cool :)

I really can understand the anger for moms not standing up for their kids.

What allows me to have any relationship with my mother, even though she did not protect me, is this: I dont think my mom saw that horror as abnormal. I think it was so normal to her, that even though on one hand, she knew it was aweful, for her it was also inevitable. I really think it was hard for her to relate to my dad because he was NOT horrible. For Mom, she kept waiting for the shoe to drop, and bad things start to happen. When it didnt, she began to unravel and be horrible just for things to feel on even keel for her messed up fragile psychotic brain to process as "safe". This will probably make no sense unless you have delt with people who have schitzophrenia and personality disorders like my momma does.

I'm very sorry to hear about all that your mom has had to endure in her lifetime ~ I hope that things will improve for her :)