Corny jokes

[MysticOceansFL]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[girlin2une]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9!
(Say it...lol). This joke courtesy of my 5 year old!

[cricket26]

Do you have 11 protons? Because you are sodium fine. :)

[Miami]

What's the meaning of ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/funny-bizarre-book-titles-22.jpg?w=500&h=634

[Wrang1er]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for fresh prints. :D

[MysticOceansFL]

ENGINEER'S BELIEF

Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/books_paranoia.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://images.iop.org/objects/phw/world/16/12/2/pwpov1_12-03.jpg

[BestButchBoy]

Meet me at the corner.

[Venus007]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://static.squarespace.com/static/530c7081e4b04b1011b9b23c/t/5384948ee4b01f43fc283e8c/1401197718895/

[girlin2une]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
(Another 5 year old joke - I'm sure they'll be more)

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://lowres.cartoonstock.com/business-commerce-trade_mark-trade_marking-patents-intellectual_property-copyright_law-dmc0104_low.jpg

[Sweet Bliss]

What did the blanket say when it fell on the floor?



Oh sheet!

Bwahhahaha ... :|

[Greyson]

Cashew (noun) Sound of a nut sneezing.

[ksrainbow]

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

I purchased a microwave bed recently, 8 hours sleep in 10 minutes.

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don't know the words.

What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air?, A dead centipede.

If you made a belt out of old watch straps, would it be a waist of time?.

If the chemical composition of water is 'H2O', does that mean that Holy Water should be 'H2OMG' ?

[Gráinne]

Why do people jump for joy? Because maybe joy is stuck to the ceiling.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8185211136/h228F6398/

[Heavenleahangel]

Why did the scarecrow get promoted at his job?
Because he was "outstanding in his field!"

Sorry if this is a repeat.

[TimilDeeps]

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent .

[girlin2une]

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it!

(Yes I love my 5 year olds jokes!)

[BestButchBoy]

Ten-Tickles.

[uglyboi]

How do you impress a baker when your taking his daughter on a date? You bring her flours.

[girlin2une]

Did you hear about the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media-cache-cd0.pinimg.com/236x/f6/49/56/f64956521134113cc6cc56efed33dd82.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/4a/db/4b/4adb4b3e3ca672a5db90948027b963a6.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://fb-troublemakers.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/enhanced-buzz-6451-1378229372-9.jpg

[SleepyButch]

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?


It got stuck in a crack!

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.papercards.com/store/graphics/paper-magic/cd8680-frosty-picks-nose-christmas-card.jpg

[Fancy]

We now call him Roberto

[BestButchBoy]

An impasta.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/unicorn-610568.jpeg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media-cache-cd0.pinimg.com/236x/3b/ae/32/3bae322de648a1e3003e00d61a939b6f.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://gocomics.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c5f3053ef01a51189861b970c-800wi

[BestButchBoy]

He wanted to get a long, little doggie.

[mythy]

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were out at a posh hotel having a meal, Ginger in a ball gown Fred in a morning suit, all went well until the waiter spilled treacle sponge all over Fred, am so sorry said the waiter, "so you should be " said Fred..."have pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie and pudding on my tails"

[solamite]

Ever wonder what a tap dancer tinkz when she walkz on the dancin floor?



She looks at the floor and sayz, "I juzt tapped dat!"

[Mopsie]

I posted this over in the zombie thread but it really belongs here ...

Q: What do you get when you cross a deer with a ghost?

A: Bamboo! :D

[girlin2une]

Why can't ghosts have babies?

Because they have a Halloweenie!
(This time courtesy of my 9 year old son who thrives on potty humour!)

[Kobi]

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/2a/e9/bf/2ae9bf1c9405c84f2120bc6886e3343e.jpg

[BestButchBoy]

…but I lost interest.

[A. Spectre]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/51/9f/3d/519f3d3815efd51cf28ee89934529e8e.jpg

[cricket26]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10313975_445569768924922_3430792351791395228_n.jpg ?oh=bb244fbc5697b2cc7c6ed7ae51d42dea&oe=5548BB2F&__gda__=1432234739_6fbb603cfda30475d9048df360486b5 f

[gotoseagrl]

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and Apathy?

A: I don't know and I don't care.



Q: Why are penguins socially awkward?

A: Because they can't break the ice.

[Justin]

What did the bannana say to the vibrator?



What are you shaking for the bitch is gonna eat me!!!

Hope I can say that word on here lol

[Daniela]

Everyone's prob heard this but here it is anyway... :cheesy:

What did one tampon say to the other?






Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

[A. Spectre]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/46/6f/fc/466ffc8f9c390508918248563fc0befc.jpg

[Daniela]

What did the left ball say to the right?



The guy in the middle is a real dick.

[ksrainbow]

What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we'll go places!

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
Forget-me-nuts.

What do single people call Valentine's Day?
Happy Independance Day!

Ks- :awww:

[A. Spectre]

http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Pb2ojc9u01k/hqdefault.jpg

[Daniela]

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

:o

[dark_crystal]

did you hear about the zoo that didn't have any animals except one dog?

It was a Shih Tzu

[BestButchBoy]

Meet me at the corner.

[A. Spectre]

https://lisasummerlin.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/carpenter-ants1.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.jasonebeling.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/irrelephant.jpg

[MysticOceansFL]

Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?



A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

[gotoseagrl]

Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy & z hate hanging out with the letter n?

Because n always has to be the center of attention.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

[http://www.bestfunnyjokes4u.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/great-funny-cartoon.jpeg

[anotherbutch]

2 cannibals are sitting around eating a clown.. One says to the other one... Does this taste funny to you? Heh heh

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.kappit.com/img/pics/201502_2039_hehgg_sm.jpeg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/fc/03/f2/fc03f2a6bfb8a5a588cfd986229394a3.jpg

[gotoseagrl]

Taking things literally can lead to confusion, but at the end of the day, 11:59.

[Smiling]

3 men walk into a bar. The 4th one ducked.

[gotoseagrl]

The smell of a deli can make you crave a sandwich subconsciously.

How do you impress a baker when you’re taking his daughter on a date? Bring her flours.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

Why was Leo afraid to drive on the freeway?

He had awrecknaphobia.

[Orema]

http://mngboxers.com/wp-content/gallery/far-side-dog-humor-gary-larson/far-side-cat-fud.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6t6loIFUa1r0lgd4o1_500.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

https://scontent.cdninstagram.com/hphotos-xap1/t51.2885-15/s320x320/e15/11176401_477471012406423_909031212_n.jpg

[Kobi]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/84/ba/57/84ba571c0952a6a96ee28fdb7254e48c.jpg

[TheHinduPose]

Relayed to me yesterday by an old friends' 7&3/4's (the 3/4's is crucial to a 7yr old) old daughter:
What cheese hides a small horse?
Mascapony

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.picshunger.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/funny_quotes_quotes_funny_quotes_pictures_funny_qu otes_and_sayings_funny_jokes_Favim_com_556834-s458x528-395579-580.jpg

[Kobi]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/4c/2e/ea/4c2eea8ab270c62e532d0bee887cf746.jpg

[Orema]

http://www.weeklystorybook.com/.a/6a0105369e6edf970b0192aa1b8754970d-800wi

[A. Spectre]

http://reallycorny.com/sites/default/files/flag_switzerland.jpg

[Orema]

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m78js50euZ1rtppcqo1_500.jpg

[Wrang1er]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer!

[mythy]

The sheriff told his deputy "right were looking for a cowboy in paper pants, a paper shirt and paper boots, the deputy asked "whats he wanted for? the sheriff said "rustling"

[gotoseagrl]

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

Where do books sleep?

Under their covers.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/7e/fb/94/7efb941c30fb515c00c5efddc996ba60.jpg

[Stone-Butch]

an old man in a nursing home is about to celebrate his 101 birthday so all his buddies show up to surprise him. They sneak him in a few things , have a good time talking about old times and deciede to leave. Oh says one of the guys, we have a gift for you, almost forgot. They open the door and in walks a vivacious blond wearing nothing but a smile . They turn and leave with a "have a nice time bud". She walks over to the birthday boy and says, "hey birthday boy I am here to give you super sex. The old man looks up at her and says honey, at my age, I'll take the soup............

[TruTexan]

ok ok here we go with a blonde joke......

2 blondes are driving down the highway going to go to Disneyland.
Along the way they see a sign that says Disneyland left. So both girls starting crying and turned back around and started driving home.

[Jane Bond]

What has no beginning, no end, and nothing in the middle?

A doughnut.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.
:canadian:

[gotoseagrl]

Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?

Because seven ate nine, and 10 is next.

[job]

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her ta-tas when she said, "please press one. "
So I did. I don't remember much after that.

[TheHinduPose]

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you'll rise and shine!

[ksrainbow]

Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak and got quite chilly. One lit a fire in the craft, but of course it sank.

This proves that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

It was an emotional wedding....

Even the cake was in tiers.

[gotoseagrl]

What do you feed an invisible cat?

Evaporated Milk.

[Mopsie]

Q: What does a seal get from sitting on the ice too long at the zoo?

A: Polaroids!

[Mopsie]

So the client that inspired this thread was in the state hospital for nearly two years. She recently moved back to the group home and we have restarted our tradition of trading corny jokes. Here's the one she told me this week:

Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

A: An investigator!

:cheesy:

I work in mental health. My part time job is at a group home. One of the residents loves corny jokes. Everytime I come to work she has a new one to tell me. Then I tell her a corny joke back. I have now exhausted my knowledge of corny jokes. I know I could just google corny jokes but I thought a thread would be more fun!


So what are the corny jokes you know?

[job]

A blonde lady gets pulled over by a cop who is also blonde. The cop walks to the driver's window and says, "let me see your drivers license." The lady digs in her purse and can't find it. She asks the officer, "what does it look like? I'm not sure I have it." The cop responds, "it's a little square with your picture on it." The lady says, "oh. I have that." Then she pulls out her compact with the mirror and hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it and says, "I'm sorry. Why didn't you tell me you were a cop? You can go."

Hope this one wasn't already posted. 😀

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

I tried to take some pictures of some fog.


I mist

[Wrang1er]

Q. Why doesn't the Easter Bunny make noise when he has sex?

A. Because he has cotton balls.

Q. What do you call a mischievous egg?

A. A practical yolker

Q. Why did the rabbit cross the road?

A. It was the chicken's day off.

Hoppy Easter everyone!

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra.



*Wanted to throw in some levity, the Presidential thread can be very emotional. Breathe.......

[Stone-Butch]

Two blonds were passing each other on opposite sides of the river when one calls out to the other "hey , how do I get to the other side". The other calls back "you're already there"

[Stone-Butch]

If a bag of oranges is a bunch of oranges and a bag of lemons are a bunch of lemons why aren't grapes a bunch of purples? (groan)

[storyspinner70]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[gotoseagrl]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Nobody.
Nobody who?
(Stay silent)

[Kobi]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/4e/a9/06/4ea906229913c0e5e235db95d5c89ac1.jpg

[Kobi]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/da/3b/19/da3b191c3deb7815ee3abbbf05577ba9.jpg

[Kobi]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/dd/c5/e3/ddc5e3fc8a6410c711a05cb8092e7fca.jpg

[easygoingfemme]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/14/9e/91/149e91d06da4a86735a9b2eda4ff791d.jpg

[Wrang1er]

How did the thread get to school?

The spool bus!

[Kobi]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/6e/49/4b/6e494ba93b55e5eb72934725f580e989.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

An oldie but a goodie.


https://img1.etsystatic.com/000/3/5285977/il_570xN.161998759.jpg

[Jesse]

What's green & fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree onto you?
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..........................................A pool table! Hey, the OP did ask for corny!

[Stone-Butch]

ONLY TWO BABIES ARE IN THE NURSERY AND WHEN THE NURSE GOES OUT THE ONE BABY LIFTS UP HIS HEAD AND IN BABY TALK SAYS HELLO NICE TO SEE YOU I AM A LITTLE BOY BABY. THE OTHER BABY LIFTS UP, LOOKS OVER AND SAYS, HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU TOO, I'M A LITTLE GIRL BABY. FIRST BABY SAYS EHY HOW DO I KNOW FOR SURE YOU ARE A LITTLE GIRL BABY. THE BABY LOOKS AROUND , PULLS DOWN HER BLANKET, PULLS UP HER NIGHTIE AND SAYS SEE......................... PINK BOOTIES

[Jesse]

How do trees get on the internet?......................they log in!

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://i1204.photobucket.com/albums/bb412/canterburyfails/corny%20jokes%201_zps9gw62vdw.jpg

[Wrang1er]

Where does the catcher sit for dinner?

Behind the plate!

[ksrainbow]

What do you call a grumpy cow? Moo-dy!

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock!

What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument? A Moo-sician!

Ks-

[ksrainbow]

There are these two country farmers milking their cows.

While the one farmer is milking, a fly zooms into the cows ear. The
cow starts jumping around, shaking its head and mooing. He tries to
steady the cow and suddenly it settles down. He looks down and sees the
fly swimming in the milk pail.

He turns to his friend and asks “Golly, how’d that fly get down there so
fast?”

His friend replies…

“IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE UDDER!”

Ks-

[Orema]

http://www.vitamin-ha.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Celebrity-Humor-Quotes-1.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

1. What do you call an out of control photographer? A loose Canon


2. You can tell if your gold jewelry is fake by leaving the room and listening to see if talks crap about you to the other jewelry.


3. Taking things literally can lead to confusion, but at the end of the day, 11:59.

[femmeandstrong]

here is one I made up after reading a biography about Louis XVI...

what did king Louis XVI say on busy days ?

a: "YOU JUST CAN'T GET AHEAD ( a head ) around here ! "


original corny goofy silliness from FAS

[gotoseagrl]

Why did the fish have a bad report card?

Because all his grades were under "C"


What kind of medicine did the bed take?

Pill-Os (Pillows)

[Smiling]

2. You can tell if your gold jewelry is fake by leaving the room and listening to see if talks crap about you to the other jewelry.


Hahahahahahaha@number 2.

Ahhh; reminds me of when I was a 15 year old, blinging, gold and diamond-encrusted tiara. It was a crazy time for all of us.

lol, wow; some of these jokes are really weird in here. I like that.

[ksrainbow]

On a shopping trip to the city, a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece
jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally,
the puzzle was finished.

“Look what I’ve done, Jess,” he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

“That’s surely somethin’, Willard. How long it take you?”

“Only two weeks.”

“Never done a puzzle myself,” Jess said. “Is two weeks fast?”

“Darn tootin’,” Willard said. “Look at the box. It says, ‘From two
to four years.'”

[Wrang1er]

What does a nosey pepper do?

Get jalapeno business!

[Brisa]

On a shopping trip to the city, a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece
jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally,
the puzzle was finished.

“Look what I’ve done, Jess,” he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

“That’s surely somethin’, Willard. How long it take you?”

“Only two weeks.”

“Never done a puzzle myself,” Jess said. “Is two weeks fast?”

“Darn tootin’,” Willard said. “Look at the box. It says, ‘From two
to four years.'”


Hahahaaaaa

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

*What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.


*Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.


*How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.


*I wrote a song about a tortilla, actually it was more of a wrap.

[gotoseagrl]

What's a dogs favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni

[Wrang1er]

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?
With a cow-culator.

[Talon]

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Girl: Because rollercoasters actually make me scream.






A friend has good news for you.....

So what's the news?

I'm not your friend.

That is good news.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://66.media.tumblr.com/178dea5a222f1e170cb06551f520c00d/tumblr_nyu2uxAsAF1ukrc6fo1_500.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

The illustrator had a sketchy past.


The cab had a checkered past.

[Jesse]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[Jesse]

I tried to catch fog once.

Mist.


Why did the scarecrow get a raise?

He was outstanding in his field.

[cricket26]

why didnt the skeleton go to the halloween party?



he did not have the guts!

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

What do you say when you're comforting a grammar nazi?


There, Their, They're

[deeds]

Two guys walk into a bar and one yells for the bar tender "Hey jackass get us two beers" They finished, and again- same guy yells out at the bar tender "hey jackass! Get us two more beers"
He downed his beer and left, but the other guy was perplexed as to why the bartender didn't get enraged at someone calling him a jackass..So he asked him..Don't that piss you off when people call you names? The bartender spoke up and said.."Hee Haw, hee haways talk to me that way..:)

[Stone-Butch]

Why did the chicken cross the road? For foul reasons.

[Stone-Butch]

How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card.

[Bèsame*]

Why did the elf go to school?








To learn the Elfabet..

[legally_b10nde]

Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out. :giggle:

[A. Spectre]

When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and asked, "name two pronouns."

I said, "who, me?"

[girlin2une]

What disease do you get when you put up the Christmas decorations?


Tinselitus.

[Bèsame*]

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?






He checks his calen-deer

[Bèsame*]

What did the Gingerbread man put on his bed?





Cookie sheets!

[Jesse]

What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door.

Close the door I am dressing!


Why did Mozart kill his chicken?

Because it kept saying "Bach, bach, bach.


Why does a seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel!

[Bèsame*]

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?







Nothing it was on the house!

[Bèsame*]

What do you call an old snowman?













Water..lol

[A. Spectre]

I was wondering why that football was getting larger and larger....

and then BAM!

It hit me.

[girlin2une]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger...!


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Butch, Jimmy and Joe.
Butch, Jimmy, and Joe Who?
Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a kiss, and let's Joe.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Britney Spears!
Britney Spears who?
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Oops I did it again

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Hanna
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!

[Orema]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

[deeds]

Four little birds got together one winter to discuss their flight plans

First little bird says "My instincts tell me to go north"
Second little bird says "My instincts tell me to go south"
Third little bird says" My instincts tell me to go west"
Fourth little bird says "my end stinks" :)

[Orema]

A new study has found that women who carry extra weight live longer than than the men who mention it.

[A. Spectre]

C, Eb and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors".


A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

What's orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot.

"I stand corrected." said the man in his orthopedic shoes.

[legally_b10nde]

What did one firefly say to the other?

You glow girl!

[Orema]

What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture"

[Bèsame*]

why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?



Because they're always a little short.🍀🍀🍀

[Bèsame*]

How can you tell if an Irishwoman is having fun?


She is Dublin over with laughter!

[Orema]

Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs?


From eggplants.

:bow:

[Wrang1er]

How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?

He eggercises!

Why did the Easter Egg hide?

He was a little chicken!

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off!

Why did the Easter Bunny go see a therapist?

Because he was a basketcase!

[Gayandgray]

Where do pencils go on vacation?
Pennsylvania!!!

[Kätzchen]

"What goes around the world, but stays in a corner?
A postage stamp," ~ Max, Jutta's son.

(In, All The Light We Cannot See.pp. 509: Doerr, A. 2014, Simon & Schuster, NY, NY).

[Kätzchen]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/1b/e8/d0/1be8d0003bd33e5116e038a1a1c8c30b.jpg

[gotoseagrl]

I found out I was colorblind today.

It was totally out of the purple.

[Kätzchen]

I found out I was colorblind today.

It was totally out of the purple.

that's just totally cute! *LOL* :giggle:

[Bèsame*]

Why do watermelons have big fancy weddings???





They cantaloupe.

[A. Spectre]

[B]For you.....

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender says, "Dry?" The Germans says "Nein, just one."

[Kätzchen]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/7a/6b/16/7a6b1697e67962dc36e6cb321adf0b76.jpg

[Bèsame*]

How do you fix a broken tomato?



Tomato paste.

[A. Spectre]

https://robbwolf.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/funny-picture-support-bras.jpg

[Bèsame*]

What do you get
when you cross a pair of pants
with a dictionary?





Smarty pants.

[Kätzchen]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/23/74/4c/23744c2f830edf51a337c4902f37ab79.jpg

[Kätzchen]

http://www.cecruncher.com/prodimg/chiropractic_joke.jpg

[Kätzchen]

Q: What bow can't be tied?

A; A rainbow.

:balloon:

[Wrang1er]

Q: Why is pirating so addictive?

A: Once you lose your first hand you get hooked!

[homoe]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/23/74/4c/23744c2f830edf51a337c4902f37ab79.jpg

I had a greeting card once just like this!

[homoe]

A new study has found that women who carry extra weight live longer than than the men who mention it.

LMAO.......................:happyjump:

[Wrang1er]

:pirate-steer:

Q: Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?

A: Because they'll wash up on shore later.

[Gentle Tiger]

This thread makes me :cracked::cracked::cracked:
Mrs Tiger on the other hand doesn't have the same appreciation when I read them to her. Her reaction makes them even funnier.

[homoe]

This thread makes me :cracked::cracked::cracked:
Mrs Tiger on the other hand doesn't have the same appreciation when I read them to her. Her reaction makes them even funnier.

Mrs Tiger surely had to laugh at....
"A new study has found that women who carry extra weight live longer than than the men who mention it" didn't she..:giggle:

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://cdn.humoropedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Corny-Jokes-3.jpg

[gotoseagrl]

Q:What do you call a mermaid on a roof?
A: Aerial

Q: What do you call a magic owl?
A: Hoodini!

[Kätzchen]

Q: what did the two dictator's say to each other during their latest phone battle?

A: you're my favorite "Dick-ta-phone."

:blush:

[Kätzchen]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a7/36/c4/a736c43df365f8aa1907d7b36023b4f9.jpg

[Kätzchen]

Q: Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road???

A: It got stuck in a crack.

:blush: :balloon: :giggle:

[AmazonDC]

What do you call a cow laying down?




ground beef

[AmazonDC]

What do you call a bird that just flew into a fan?



Shredded tweet

[Kätzchen]

Q: What did the magician say to the fisherman??? :giggle:

A: Pick a Cod, Pick a Cod!!!


:hk28:

[girl_dee]

Q: What did the magician say to the fisherman??? :giggle:

A: Pick a Cod, Pick a Cod!!!


:hk28:

BWaahahahahhahaha

[girl_dee]

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the Shell Station...


Why did the turtle go to the Shell Station?

to get some Turtle Wax



:cracked:

[cricket26]

why does a chicken coupe have 2 doors?



if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!

[homoe]

Q: What did the magician say to the fisherman??? :giggle:

A: Pick a Cod, Pick a Cod!!!


:hk28:

.....:rofl:.......and no doubt he said it in a New York/ New Jersey accent...

[Mopsie]

http://halloweenjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Cute-Black-Cat-Meme-Joke.jpg

[Mopsie]

http://halloweenjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Halloween-Joke-Black-cat-Meme-2-What-kind-of-cats-like-to-go-bowling_.jpg

[Mopsie]

http://halloweenjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Halloween-Joke-Black-cat-Meme-2-Why-do-black-cats-never-shave_.jpg

[Mopsie]

http://halloweenjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Cute-Black-Cat-Meme-Joke.jpg

This isn't showing up :(

It's supposed to say:

Q: What do black cats drink in the afternoon?

A: Kit-tea!

[Mopsie]

http://halloweenjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Halloween-Joke-Black-cat-Meme-2-What-kind-of-cats-like-to-go-bowling_.jpg

I'm not seeing this ... Is anyone else?

[Mopsie]

http://halloweenjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Halloween-Joke-Black-cat-Meme-2-Why-do-black-cats-never-shave_.jpg

Why aren't my photos showing??

[Gemme]

Why aren't my photos showing??

They are ghosts?

[A. Spectre]

Don't say I didn't warn you, the following jokes may make you go "uggggh"
BUT, come on! admit it! you smiled. :)


A jumper cable walks into a bar, the bartender says "Hey! Don't start anything!"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car? "Get in the car."

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

[Mopsie]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/49/1a/cb/491acbd1df20c31fd4669552c97f71a5--funny-turkey-turkey-cartoon.jpg


Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

[Mopsie]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/75/59/cd/7559cd5f034469c84260a720eb579bad--meme-maker-funny-stuff.jpg

[Orema]

Why didn’t the pilgrim want to make bread? Because it’s a crummy job.

What kind of music did the pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock

Why did the girls let the sweet potato join the band? So they could have a yam session.

[ksrainbow]

Q: Why do pilgrims’ pants keep falling down? A: Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band? A: Because he had the drumsticks

Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? A: The outside

Ks-

[ksrainbow]

Q: Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A: A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Q: Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring? A: Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where’s popcorn?

Ks-

[ksrainbow]

Do These Turkeys Get Any Bigger?

Just before Thanksgiving, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re not alive any more.”

Ks-

[Orema]

What did Santa say to Mrs. Clause when she asked “how’s the weather?”

Rain, dear.

[Bèsame*]

What do snowmen have for breakfast?


Frosted Flakes

[Bèsame*]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Yule

Yule who?

Yule never know!

[Orema]

What do you call an old snowman?

Water
____________________________

How does a Snowman get to work?

By icicle
____________________________

[ksrainbow]

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!

ks-:)

[ksrainbow]

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping!

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!

What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet.

Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
They are always dropping their needles.

What does Santa put on his toast?
“Jingle Jam”

May we all find a bit of humor!
Ks-

[A. Spectre]

Overdue Corny Pick-up Lines. Singles! Try these lines and if the person you are courting laughs .....is a keeper!


* I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.

* Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright, for me.

* Even if there wasn't gravity on this Earth, I'd still fall for you.

* Is you nickname Chapstick? Because you're the balm!

* Do you like Nintendo? Because Wii would look good together.


Okay, Okay maybe not laugh out loud laugh, but a smile. Maybe?

[ksrainbow]

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!

Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays? At a Ho-ho-tel!

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause.

ks- :clap:

[ksrainbow]

Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths.

The first mouse says, “Mouse traps, Ha! I do push ups with the bar!”

The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin, “D-Con Rat Poison.”

The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave. The first mouse says, “Where do you think you’re going?”

The third mouse replies, “Time to go home and chase the cat.”


ks-

[cricket26]

Why did the blanket get arrested?

because it looked quilty 😎

[Mopsie]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/6d/5e/0a/6d5e0a4c888b5a073303a36acae3988b.gif

[ksrainbow]

What happened to the lost cattle?
Nobody’s herd!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
Roost beef!

What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
An udder failure


https://www.hayspost.com/2018/01/19/smith-center-rancher-chairs-ks-beef-council-supports-revamped-brand-beef-its-whats-for-dinner/

Ks-

[Kätzchen]

https://asnowpastachronicles.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/544c878ee55ed57bc27e85502bc81a82.jpg?w=344&h=428

[Kätzchen]

https://a.wattpad.com/cover/4813433-288-k377206.jpg

[ksrainbow]

Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

Joe never wanted to believe that his dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when he got home, all the signs were there.

Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Guitar! Guitar who? Guitar coats, it’s cold outside!

TGIF folks :)

ks-

[Kätzchen]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/3b/35/90/3b35907c4dd163cf82057f5befef10f0--funny-school-school-pics.jpg

[Kätzchen]

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don't look! I'm going to change.

[Kätzchen]

What did the janitor say when they jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!!!

[Kätzchen]

What do you call a pig who practices karate?

Pork Chop

:flyingpig:

[ksrainbow]

A weather intern walks into a bar and asks for a Cold Draft. Suddenly the bar door swings open and gusty cool air fills up the bar. After drinking his Draft things seem to get back to normal.

The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice. Suddenly the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash and thunderous explosion rock the bar. After drinking his Thunderclap things seem to once again get back to normal.

Feeling rather good at this point he asks for a third drink- ordering a Tornado on the rocks. This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail stones but ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar violently and break every window.

Feeling extra good and cocky at this point he then orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane. The bartender after this request looks up at the guy perplexed and says, “Sorry fella, we have no Hurricanes in Kansas.”

[ksrainbow]

What do you call a grizzly with no shoes? Bear foot.

What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? A school teacher says, “spit your gum out” while a train says, “chew, chew, chew.”

How does a computer catch fish? With its internet.

Why did the fish have a bad report card? Because all of his grades were under sea.

Ks-:cheesy:

[Kätzchen]

https://img.jokeaz.com/1/1/342/did-you-hear-about-the-two-antennas-that-got-married-joke.jpg

[Orema]

What’s the Easter Bunny’s favorite kind of music?

Hip hop.

:bow:

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT1mMS4kxCJZpSoyrCyMUPF-XRZ3lvFb84WhVNNIK2VxRV9YpHY

[Gemme]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT1mMS4kxCJZpSoyrCyMUPF-XRZ3lvFb84WhVNNIK2VxRV9YpHY

You know, you're supposed to give the punch line, goofball.

Maybe, "Doggone!"?

[Gemme]

You know, you're supposed to give the punch line, goofball.

Maybe, "Doggone!"?

Maybe y'all could donate to the 'buy Gemme new glasses' fund?

Oh, geez.

[homoe]

Maybe y'all could donate to the 'buy Gemme new glasses' fund?

Oh, geez.

No worries, the print IS small.................:giggle:

[Mopsie]

Okay the client that inspired this thread shared this one with me at med time Saturday morning...

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

A: Of course because the Empire State Building can't jump!

[girl_dee]

How do you make a handkerchief dance?

Put a lil boogie in it

[Mopsie]

https://i.imgflip.com/11q8kl.jpg

[Esme nha Maire]

Anarchist dyslexics untie!

Walking into the hall of a rich friend's house, I noticed they had the heads of various animals mounted on the wall - and the rear end of a tiger. So I asked him why it wasn't the head of the tiger up there. "Incompetent taxidermist" I was told, "bit of a cat arse trophy, that one"...

We went for a drive to a local flea market later. On the way, I noticed a strange road sign - it said "Road works ahead" when it was clearly being repaired. We'd been at the market for a while when I had to make a call of nature and found another incorrect sign - the disabled toilet was working perfectly. At the end of the day, my friend asked me what I'd thought of the market. I told him I thought it was fun, but I was a little puzzled and disappointed, and kept getting funny looks from the traders. "Why's that?" he asked. "Nobody'd sell me any fleas!" I replied.

[Orema]

Why can't you trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

[Kätzchen]

https://i.pinimg.com/236x/f6/5d/98/f65d98ae8ca45ac5b0905019b48217c6.jpg

[Wrang1er]

Q: What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?

A: SUPPLIES!

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSNTDJT-bz8VqbbryzqAXEWZpkjRxiAE47a4Kvq9Ie8ponx_dMimQ

[Kätzchen]

A lizard walks into an bar pushing a baby in a stroller.

"What's your kid's name?", asked the bartender.

"Tiny," says the lizard. "Because he's my newt."



https://www.rd.com/joke/a-lizard-walks-into/

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTdED-LXCky2xmFhxGun2PeQCw-0cjBFdgo2WIAcs4UNWaBZihLoQ

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTl7qycv5mLxJ1NM-ap2oCN-HtyFwSrbx-bdR01GqqiU85KksHH

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQQTz3YLOlnbcvgmE743y_PooBUEROAv urGIjcwCjzeaRCufBNPtg

[Orema]

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

A broken pencil.

A broken pencil who?

Never mind, it’s pointless.

[Kätzchen]

http://uploads.neatorama.com/images/posts/869/62/62869/1372267345-0.jpg

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQAOWsdKyroKb39kPMFAQbysEozMy1My Pmi31TLLy937Wa6fwyw

[homoe]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/db/80/5f/db805fc385da10b6c7af67e962a2a2b0.jpg

[homoe]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ea/ec/4d/eaec4d6a50992d8d262f7e9b20383908.jpg

[A. Spectre]

Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?

It made headlines.


;)

[Kätzchen]

What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?

Clean jokes.

[Orema]

What did one fingerprint say to the other?

I'll never find another one like you.

[homoe]

https://i.chzbgr.com/full/9036881408/h77E64A50/

[homoe]

https://www.juicyquotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Funny-Corny-Joke-18-1.jpg