Corny jokes

[Mopsie]

I work in mental health. My part time job is at a group home. One of the residents loves corny jokes. Everytime I come to work she has a new one to tell me. Then I tell her a corny joke back. I have now exhausted my knowledge of corny jokes. I know I could just google corny jokes but I thought a thread would be more fun!


So what are the corny jokes you know?

[Mopsie]

Here's a joke she told me yesterday:

There are two potatoes standing on a street corner.

How do you know which one is the prostitute?

Answer: The one wearing the sign "Idaho."

:cheesy:

[Wrang1er]

You stay here. I'll go on a head. :)

[Gaige]

What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Pati-o furniture :-p

:moonstars:
http://www.statichukd.com/images/threads/426683.jpg

[Hollylane]

What does a mermaid wear to math class?

An algae-bra.

[Cin]

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

[always2late]

Two french fries were walking down the road, and one was a-salted.

[PaPa]

So, the Three Wise Men have arrived in Bethlehem, and have found the stable with Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. As the enter the stable, the 1st Wise Man ducks through the low door, turns his head and calls over his should "Heads up, low beam". The 2nd Wise Man ducks as well, but doesn't warn the Wise Man following, who walks straight into the knotty pine beam. "Jesus Christ!!" he exclaims, slapping a hand to his bruised forehead.

"You know, I like that better than Irving!" Mary says to Joseph....

[VintageFemme]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

U nique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way.

[Wrang1er]

What did the mother buffalo say when her boy went off to college?

Bison! :)

[Wrang1er]

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

[stargazingboi]

What did one toilet say to the other toilet?

~You look flushed

[Mopsie]

Q: What do you call a pig who takes karate lessons?

A: Pork chop! :)

(Said with appropriate accompanying hand gestures ... which made it cuter.)

[stargazingboi]

why did the clown go to the doctors?

~he was feeling funny

[PoeticSilence]

What has no beginning, no end, and nothing in the middle?

A doughnut.

[Mopsie]

Q: What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?

A: Sanka :)

[Heavenleahangel]

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
He was feely crumby!

[Canela]

What did one plate say to the other?

Lunch is on me!

[LeftWriteFemme]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?


7 8 9...............these are the jokes folks!

[MsTinkerbelly]

Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

Because A is too small, and D is too big.:seeingstars:

[Mopsie]

Why do so few melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe! :)

[Janstevie]

I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

[nycfem]

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[Wrang1er]

What time is it when Sir Lancelot sees his belly button?

The middle of the KNIGHT.

[Wrang1er]

Why was the tomato blushing?

It saw the salad dressing. :)

[Janstevie]

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

[Gráinne]

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

And I love shaggy dog stories (pointless jokes that go on and on...)

#1: Two big turtles and one little turtle decide to go to a soda fountain and have sarsaparillas (like root beer). While they are waiting for their drinks, it begins to rain.

One big turtle turns to the other and says, "Let's send Little Turtle back for our umbrellas!"

"No", said the little turtle. "If I leave, you will drink my sarsaparilla".

The two big turtles promise not to drink his sarsaparilla, and so the little turtle started out for the umbrellas.

A week goes by, and one big turtle says to the other, "Come on, let's drink his sarsaparilla".

A little voice from the back of the shop yells, "You do, and I won't go for the umbrellas!"

#2

A man goes to a bakery and ordered a cake in the shape of the letter "S". The baker says " Come back in a week".

When the man comes back, he looks at the cake and says, "This is all wrong. You made a print "S". I wanted a script "S"."

So the baker says "Come back in another week".

When the man comes back, the baker shows him a cake in the shape of a script "S". "It's perfect!", says the man.

"Would you like me to box it up for you?", says the baker.

"Oh that's all right. If you have a knife and fork, I'll eat it right here!", says the man.

[Heavenleahangel]

What is brown, has 8 legs and carries a suitcase? A spider going on vacation!!!

[Inked_Trinity]

What's green and sings???

Elivs Parsley of course!

[Heavenleahangel]

What time was it when the elephant sat on the fence? Time to get a new fence!!!

What's black and white and read all over? A newspaper!
What's black and what and red all over? A zebra with a sunburn!

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "got any gwapes?"
The bartender says "No! Get out of here!"
Next day the duck walks into the same bar and says "Got any gwapes?" The bartender says "No! I already told you I don't have any grapes. If you come back, I'm going to nail your duck feet to the counter!"
Third day the duck walked back into the bar and asks the bartender "Got any nails?" The bartender says "No!" "Good" says the duck! "Got any gwapes???"

[Janstevie]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

[Mopsie]

Why was the belt arrested?

It held up a pair of pants. :|

:giggle:

[Cid]

Guy and a giraffe go into a bar. The giraffe goes to sleep on the floor.
Next guy comes in and says, "who's that lyin' on the floor?"
Bartender says,"that's no lion, it's a giraffe." :jester:

[deb0670]

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Cause if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

[Mopsie]

What did one mushroom say to the other mushroom at the end of their first date?

You're a fungi! :cheesy:

[Mopsie]

Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in. :|

[Janstevie]

I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

[Blade]

what do you call a camel without any humps?

Humphrey

[VintageFemme]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say apple again?

[Mopsie]

You stay here. I'll go on a head. :)

What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Pati-o furniture :-p

:moonstars:
http://www.statichukd.com/images/threads/426683.jpg

What does a mermaid wear to math class?

An algae-bra.

I worked at my part time job last night. I told my client the first three jokes from this thread. She loved them! She laughed so hard I thought she was going to spit out her meds. :|

Thanks for all the jokes everybody - keep them coming! :)

[Wrang1er]

I worked at my part time job last night. I told my client the first three jokes from this thread. She loved them! She laughed so hard I thought she was going to spit out her meds. :|

Thanks for all the jokes everybody - keep them coming! :)




Mopsie - knowing that makes this even better. :) Thanks for sharing.

[Mopsie]

I just realized I forgot to post the one that my client told me last night...


What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no eye-deer! :cheesy:

[puddin']

blind man goes into a bar. picks up his seeing eye dog and swings it around over his head, then puts it down. barkeep says "mate, what was that all about?". blind man says "nothing, just having a look around."

[Chad]

I love this thread! It is so funny.

I am warming up some jokes to join in soon so wait right here I will be back.
:)

Chad

[Gemme]

Heard on national TV this week:

Why are dancers good pirates?

They just ARRRRRRRGH.

:giggle:

I wasn't expecting that one.

[Janstevie]

What do you call a fish with no eye's, .... a fsh.

[Chad]

Hi,

here goes...........

two atoms are sitting in the bar watching sports and drinking bear having a great time. When they leave the bar one atom says to the other "hey I think I left an electron in the bar" The other atom says "are you sure?" and the first atom says "I am positive"!

Get it? Science joke!

Chad :)

[JAGG]

This guy's wife sends him to the store and tells him to get a gallon of milk, and if they have any alvacados get 6. So he comes home from the store and his wife said, why in the world did you get 6 gallons of milk? He said, they had alvacados .

[SleepyButch]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?

Hand him a shovel.

[Janstevie]

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

[ahk]

How do you make an egg roll?
You push it!!

[Janstevie]

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Chad]

I borrowed this from some science friends......

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
Nice belt!

[Janstevie]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.

[ahk]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

[puddin']

have you heard of the new restaurant on the moon? the food is amazing, but i've heard its got no atmosphere...

[Janstevie]

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.

[ahk]

What do you call an fake noodle?

An impasta!!

[lusciouskiwi]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing." ...

[Janstevie]

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, but it begins with P something T something R..

[ahk]

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

they kept saying "bach, bach, bach"!

[Mopsie]

I worked at my part time job last night and saw my client who loves corny jokes. I read her jokes from this thread - most of the ones on page 1 and some from page 2 because we were on a roll... we were both laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes! :cheesy:


Here's the one she told me that started out our fun fest...

Q: Why did the prisoner take a shower?

A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway! :)

[Hollylane]

'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.

[Hollylane]

An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

[Janstevie]

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

[puddin']

what do you call a fake noodle?

an impasta!

[ahk]

What kind of rooms have no walls? Mushrooms.

[Janstevie]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.

[ahk]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[Mopsie]

I worked at my part time job again last night. My favorite resident and I read pages three and four of this thread. We had quite the giggle fest! :cheesy:

Thanks gang for all the funny contributions! :)


Here's the one the resident told me last night:

Q: Is chicken soup good for your health?

A: Not if you are the chicken! ;)

[Janstevie]

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

[Bells]

ok so I made paper puppets one time and my corny joke was

Daughter: did you get a hair cut
Me: no I got them all cut :)

(hey she cracked up laughing , that's all that counts)

[PoeticSilence]

Q: So why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?
A: To get a long little doggie.

[ahk]

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint.

[Janstevie]

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'. I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

[PoeticSilence]

Q: What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
A: You look a little pail.

[ahk]

What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decalfinated.

[Janstevie]

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!

[Janstevie]

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

[Janstevie]

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the kind hearted man that I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her."

So we walked past it again.

[Janstevie]

'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

[Wrang1er]

Why wouldn't the skeleton cross the street?

He didn't have any guts.

Why aren't ghost good liars?

You can see right through them.

Why are ghost good cheerleaders?

They have spirit.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite.

Why can't ghosts have babies?

They have hollow weenies!


HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL!

~W

[Wrang1er]

What do you get if you deep fry Santa?

Krisp Kringle

Why are Santa's helpers depressed?

They have low elf esteem.

What do you call people that are afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

Why doesn't Santa have any children?

He only comes once a year and that's down the chimney. ;)

~W

[Daktari]

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to dance with

Where do Santa's helpers go when they're sick?
The National Elf Service

[Wrang1er]

Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own?

It was TWO TIRED!

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?!

It made headlines!

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

What did the blonde say when she gave birth?

"Is it mine"?


ps. I have nothing against blondes, this is a joke. Only.

[puddin']

bus driver opens the door and sees a 3 eyed, armless, one legged person wanting to get on.

he says: eye, eye, eye. you look armless enough, hop on!

[Chancie]

What did the blonde say when she gave birth?

"Is it mine"?


ps. I have nothing against blondes, this is a joke. Only.

So this is what I tell my students when they make blond jokes:

I say, Tell the same joke, but replace 'blond' with 'black'.

How does it sound now?

[C0LLETTE]

guy jumps off Empire State Bldg..On each floor as he goes by, people can hear him say " So far so good."

[Wrang1er]

What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?

A birthday pheasant!

What did one candle say to the other?

Don't birthdays burn you up?


What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?

Mice cream and cake!


Happy Birthday Mopsie!

~W

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

What is black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!



To Chancie: I promise no more 'dumb blonde' jokes...:sorry:

[silkepus]

Do you know why you shouldn’t tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things- literally


;D

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other,

"Does this taste funny to you?"

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

There was a person who sent 20 different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

[Wrang1er]

What do you call a very small Valentine?

A valentiny!

What did the farmer get his wife for Valentine's Day?

Hogs and kisses.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Yes, they're very scent-imental!

[Smiling]

Nacho cheese!

http://i1306.photobucket.com/albums/s577/Bree524/image_zpsca7072cb.jpg

lmao, the joke cracked me up and when I saw the picture I died all over again! It's all just so ridiculous.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

What does a mermaid who likes math wear?

An algae-bra!

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

Someone stole the toilet from the police station.

The cops have nothing to go on.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

Why does a seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel!

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

How do you carve a big piece of wood?


wittle by wittle

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven ate nine.

[clay]

Practice having a safe lunch......use condiments!!!

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

What does a piano player dream about?

Sheet music.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

Some bacon, eggs and toast walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast"

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.literock105fm.com/upload/corny2.jpg

[Jesse]

q: what's brown and sticky?


a: a stick

https://drawception.com/pub/panels/2012/4-1/Gs755wPRDO-10.png

[Candelion]

A really hot butch asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit hys car with my car. :p


When a femme wears leather, a butch goes crazy and gets weak in the knees...she smells like a new truck! :rrose:

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/14/9e/91/149e91d06da4a86735a9b2eda4ff791d.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.bubblews.com/assets/images/news/1372794877_1377047789.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/06/f4/f9/06f4f952ff02af3755aa01cb2830463c.jpg

[mythy]

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party naked with his girlfriend on his shoulders, they get there knock on the door and the bloke who answers says "what have you come as", the guy sez " a tortoise", the first bloke sez and who's that on your shoulders"...the guy sez "thats michelle"

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://i55.tinypic.com/15npvu8.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.uniqueteachingresources.com/image-files/policeofficerkindergarten.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://img.wonderhowto.com/img/83/26/63465467461399/0/more-stupid-math-jokes.w654.jpg

[mythy]

Bad Spellers UNTIE


I have a black belt in origame.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://elastamomsexcerpts.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/corny-joke.jpg?w=500&h=750

[Candelion]

Unfortunately, putting a bow on your head does not make you gifted.

A truckload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.

The best way to get a youthful figure is to ask a woman her age.

I'm not that bright. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate!" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia. :p

[Gentle Tiger]

This thread is cracking me up. :lol2:

[mythy]

A burgler breaks into a house, after he has gone a couple of steps he hears a voice..."Jesus is watching you"
he looks round and the voice sez again "Jesus is watching you"
he looks round and sees a parrot in a cage, so he walks over, "was that you saying that". the parrot sez " yep it was"
the burglar sez " wots your name"
the parrot sez "Clarence"
the burglar sez " that a stupid name wot silly fucker called you that"
the parrot sez " the silly fucker who called the rottweiler Jesus":blink:

[mythy]

A gorilla walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender thinks a gorilla, heres a chance to make some money, so he pours the beer and asks for a stupid amount of money.
the gorilla hands it over, and then starts frowning and giving the bartender the evil eye, the bartender thinks shit he looks annoyed al go and talk to him
the bartender sez " we dont get many gorillas in hear
the gorillas sez:blink: " at these prices am not fucking surprised.

[Gemme]

How did the french fry die?

He was asaulted.

[ksrainbow]

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/Cyanide-%26-Happiness-comics-neckless-crazy-218185.png

[C0LLETTE]

Guy jumps off Empire State building and on each floor as he goes by, people can hear him say "So far, so good".

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://veronicaroth.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Joyce.jpg




it certainly qualifies for cuteness overload. Doncha think?;) The seal is behaving in a "corny" fashion. Good enough for me.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_d5sa4cYQ4kY/SpcgHnyjczI/AAAAAAAAB0U/3OsvOyU0xpE/s320/0601-MarkAnderson-d.jpg

[silkepus]

Did you know the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always a whim away?

[Gemme]

http://veronicaroth.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Joyce.jpg



Nature's photobombs are the best!



What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?

Look grandpa, no hands!




Someone said you look like an owl.

Who?



What did one toilet say to the other toilet?

You look flushed.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://aqu52.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/1488266_602257356513541_1299823966_n.jpg?w=357&h=357

[ksrainbow]

My mom asks my dad: "what's on TV?"

My dad replies: "dust"...

:thumbsup: Dad!!

[Candelion]

What did the cat say after eating two robins who were lying in the sun?

"I LOVE baskin' robins."

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/b9/08/7b/b9087b34d43d8b1a496ba5e7538ae249.jpg

[Mopsie]

Why did the midget (little person?) get kicked out of the nudist colony?

She kept sticking her nose in everybody's business!

:blink:

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.distractify.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads//2014/03//klepto.jpg

[Jesse]

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

:jester:


A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.


What goes "ha ha ha ha, *thump*"?

Someone laughing their head off.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://img.izismile.com/img/img5/20121002/640/funny_and_clever_science_jokes_640_13.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbr71n8lYz1qg8boio1_500.jpg

[Candelion]

Me: I drive like lightning.

Friend: You drive fast?

Me: No. I hit trees. :p

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://tshirtgroove.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/haikus-are-easy-but-sometimes-they-dont-make-sense-refrigerator-t-shirt.jpg

[Candelion]

I got in a fight one time with a really mean girl. She said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I told her she would be sorry. She said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well....you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

[ksrainbow]

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender, "I'll have a shot of whiskey and beer for the road."

[ksrainbow]

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://img.izismile.com/img/img5/20121002/640/funny_and_clever_science_jokes_640_15.jpg

[Candelion]

I met a French guy on holiday and he forced me to start drinking and smoking. Bloody Pierre Pressure. :|

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/c6956253-070c-432a-9cf6-0cc820256e96_zps73ae999f.png?t=1397082955

[Candelion]

My hamster died from lack of exercise. He didn't have the wheel to live. http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/270914c9-1d15-4ed0-bbf2-90010d1f046b_zps4a09248b.jpg?t=1397182158

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.wackybuttons.com/designcodes/110/1102731.jpg

[Candelion]

I surprised my girlfriend during sex the other day with a little move I like to call 'coming home early'.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a boogie in it.

http://www.ideotoylab.com/images/boogie-dance-with-your-monster.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.comicalcotton.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/funny-nun-pic.jpg


Could be a part of my unexplored side but....have always had a warm and fuzzy spot for nuns. :sparklyheart:

[Candelion]

I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, "Sorry, but I forgot what room I'm in." "No problem, ma'am. This is called the lobby."

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/7c47a137-3871-4aaa-a302-0b332281e366_zps190c4a76.png?t=1397413221

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/023/c/5/because_calling_them_bananas_just_isnt_good_enough _by_softivory-d5si2gw.jpg

[Candelion]

I went to the zoo the other day, but all I saw was a dog in a cage. It was a shih tzu. :p

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QHlj7UNONQ8/TjhSc4NAwFI/AAAAAAAAETE/UPanXR3pG6A/s1600/shapes.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7455727872/hAECE4AA0/

[Candelion]

I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on, the class was over.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/0c4c32f2-0471-4da5-845b-e88b7d779ca2_zpsf58f9e6b.jpg?t=1397569201

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on, the class was over.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/0c4c32f2-0471-4da5-845b-e88b7d779ca2_zpsf58f9e6b.jpg?t=1397569201

This jazzercise girl has such a blank look on her face, one would never realize she was experiencing wardrobe issues.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/6e/cb/d0/6ecbd021fe06a320ff1326b62e7e5a38.jpg

[Heavenleahangel]

Per my son who is almost 7:
What happened to the mouse that fell into the bath tub? He came out squeaky clean!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? He felt crumby!

[Candelion]

Old aunts used to come up to me at family weddings, poking me in the ribs and telling me, "You're next!" They stopped after I began doing the same thing to them at funerals.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/68fdc4ff-ab16-412a-a64c-75aac2e654ce_zps43372c3b.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/0a/43/50/0a4350844992300a11a501f773645e60.jpg

[C0LLETTE]

Xerox machine breaks down in office so Xerox repair called in.

Repair guy comes, looks at machine, kicks it... it works...he says : That will be $ 1 million dollars.

They say, "Are you crazy???..a million dollars to kick the machine???"
He says " No no, only one dollar to kick it, $999,999 for knowing where to kick."

[Candelion]

My girlfriend just left me because I'm so lazy. Insert your own punch line here.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/7020e171-5321-4f50-af30-4e90213d922c_zps627f30fe.png?t=1397682764

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7887431680/h71926BFF/

[Wrang1er]

Why did the Easter Bunny get a ticket?

He ran a hop sign.

What kind of stories does the Easter Bunny like?

Cottontales

[puddin']

i just realized tofu is over-rated. it's just a curd to me.

i paid $100 for 8 legs of venison. do you think that's too dear?

[Candelion]

A bikini is an outfit where 90 per cent of a femme's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that butches are so decent they only look at the 10 per cent that isn't.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/b145cc64-4c68-4e28-ba41-c967b72c4919_zpsa04bd039.png?t=1397786858

Good night, folks! :)

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://cdn.walltowatch.com/files/0/0/0/6/00061835.jpg

[Degotoga]

What’s round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle


Why did the fish get kicked out of school?

He was caught with seaweed.

[ksrainbow]

Today I gave my dead batteries away....Free of charge.

[Candelion]

I thought my girlfriend might be The One, but after finding police, nurse, maid, and firefighter uniforms in her wardrobe, I realised she can't hold a job down.


http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/41d1b5c7-6a55-4eb4-a067-131c2b87d23c_zpsaf6fa484.png?t=1397834888

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://butchontap.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/butch-wanted.jpg

[Candelion]

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/abe97bc5-70d2-4093-ab62-600b8976441a_zps0c32f546.jpg?t=1397925801

[ksrainbow]

Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://babyboomeradvisorclub.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/easter%20bunny%20shoes.jpg

[cinnamongrrl]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

unique up on it....

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

tame way....

courtesy of my dad <3

[Degotoga]

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?

He was charged with battery.


Why dont blind men skydive?

Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

[Candelion]

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/49fb2fe8-c51e-4073-9079-958cdc2a5e54_zpsda185b4e.jpg?t=1398008239

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.crazyasabagofhammers.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/aviation-humor-cartoon2.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.distractify.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads//2014/03//g-flat.jpg

[Candelion]

"Waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup!"

....."Yes, Sir. It's the heat that kills them."



http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/a0664c0b-683f-4a28-94fa-8254fc2075cd_zps88fb6a6c.jpg?t=1398102101

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/ecards-auto-242842.jpeg

[Candelion]

I told my girlfriend I think she's a virgin because we've never had sex. She was so shocked she had to pause Call of Duty.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/039d88fa-7469-41a6-9980-214732a7441c_zps74880e5f.png?t=1398126163

[MysticOceansFL]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://4.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/64/96/8b4ef41199f053ad1470d1ec5dad74e9.jpg

[Candelion]

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice....well, it really chilled her mood.


http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/2a426956-6890-4f4a-a928-cf88351da923_zps8de32956.png?t=1398189066

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/files/2013/02/unusual_sarcasm_notice2.jpg

[MysticOceansFL]

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYP*NIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."

[Laidbackgrly]

Dolly Parton and Princess Diana die both goto heaven God says I have room for just one of you at this time and best hand will win! Dolly shows hers she has the best pair of boobs ever he thought Princess mad and jealous Douches and hands it to God and says Royal Flush beats a pair any day !:hangloose:

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XCO7kY9H3Yk/UuU703gVKlI/AAAAAAAAAJY/diCNRYHRna0/s1600/funny-valentines-day-card.jpg

[Candelion]

Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/f50e0150-4942-4b7c-bec1-46144d4c4441_zpsb1a329eb.jpg?t=1398263049

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

What is the main ingredient in shepherd's pie?

A little bit of ewe.:)

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Nsd1EUTtyzM/UJXY59PHf6I/AAAAAAAABCk/Nc-T6Sxzvos/s320/house+001.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://tattooedteacherintexas.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/20140401-204520.jpg

[Candelion]

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/db76f6fe-479f-496a-9c5c-ead77460e3d8_zpsc77d3236.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/snow_women2.jpg

[ksrainbow]

What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mezpfuhxW61qjnb7n.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/cb/42/5c/cb425c3595328b27e8898114a3da0641.jpg

[Candelion]

You can have brains or you can have beauty, but you can't have all three. ;p

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/48f79346-6cff-411d-bffe-edd092108034_zpsbfbbaec9.png

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_loxwxhZOWg1qmo2k3o1_500.png

[Smiling]

http://i1306.photobucket.com/albums/s577/Bree524/imagejpg1_zpsf559ce34.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://static.toondoo.com/public/m/u/d/muddybunny//toons/cool-cartoon-1634625.png

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://2fun2fun.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/funny-pictures-28.jpg

[MysticOceansFL]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

[Candelion]

We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was kid. And then she closed her drapes. :(

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/062f22c5-9504-486e-9e17-783893f48bfb_zps415b7b12.png?t=1398778957

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://rlv.zcache.co.uk/i_support_youth_in_asia_funny_euthanasia_tshirt-r2c8e17e5107549d9914a46ad6b018c62_va6lr_512.jpg

[Candelion]

What is green and sits in the corner?
The Incredible Sulk.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/3483efbb-a326-42ff-851e-9b913cd945d9_zps00cfc6e3.jpg?t=1398864415

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/kmh/lowres/marriage-relationships-mortal-husband-sulk-sulking-dead_bodies-kmhn386l.jpg

[Candelion]

A famous expert on sex was giving a talk. He stood up and said, "It gives me great pleasure." And then he sat down.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/f6f20904-a07a-4bad-ad98-67d12c887998_zpscd0d2faa.jpg?t=1398881158

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://grammarchicblog.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/poic.jpg

[Smiling]

http://cdn.arwrath.com/2/202318.jpg


Happy Go Lucky, I always love it when they make up these outrageous sentences that highlight the importance of commas. It makes me laugh.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.distractify.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/freudthumb-318x177.jpg

Smiling -- Ditto that! ;)

[ksrainbow]

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.

:doh:

[MysticOceansFL]

Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[MysticOceansFL]

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/fool1.jpg

[Candelion]

Why do mice have such tiny balls?

Because so few of them can dance. :P

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/e2c94b9d-116c-4f10-96f0-4c241c3499c7_zps06a4f6d4.jpg?t=1399042367

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-a48181564c3551697825490e47852b49?convert_to_webp=t rue

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

Think they speak in tongues? ;)

http://www.dirtybutton.com/media/db1646-beaver-lick-church.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://37.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwv54dUFfV1qmo2k3o1_500.png

[Candelion]

Give a butch a fish and she'll eat for a day.
Teach a butch to fish and she'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day. ;)

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/aec84d97-7b81-48c0-9c84-7df7b6c42dfe_zpsd32d1d88.jpg?t=1399253477

[Gemme]

I like this thread. It's cute and gives me a chuckle, but I wonder if we could do away with the 'water cooler' types jokes.....blondes, butches, femmes, blacks, Jews, etc. One may not seem like the others but those types of jokes pick on particular groups and that doesn't seem funny to me.

[Candelion]

I like this thread. It's cute and gives me a chuckle, but I wonder if we could do away with the 'water cooler' types jokes.....blondes, butches, femmes, blacks, Jews, etc. One may not seem like the others but those types of jokes pick on particular groups and that doesn't seem funny to me.

The light-hearted teasing between butches and femmes is all part of the dynamic for me. Because we adore, understand, and appreciate each other, I know good-natured teasing when I see it. And I enjoy it. :)


Off to post about the exciting baked potato I had for dinner. :p.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/75258_372330102858826_1702060242_n.jpg



This joke is "WONDERful" :)

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

Gemme, I personally promise I will never make fun of water coolers. Criss cross apple sauce. :)

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e85/DrewtheUnquestioned/unknown_joke-1.jpg

[gotoseagrl]

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--R0xp5V1lJQ/TsmmgioWtzI/AAAAAAAAAqk/1CLvYVXX6Qo/s1600/images.jpeg

[Orema]

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

Five drinks.

[Gemme]

The light-hearted teasing between butches and femmes is all part of the dynamic for me. Because we adore, understand, and appreciate each other, I know good-natured teasing when I see it. And I enjoy it. :)


Off to post about the exciting baked potato I had for dinner. :p.

It's okay. We all have different levels of what we find acceptable and what we deem teasing. No harm done.

I will point out that not all butches are 'she', though. :)

Gemme, I personally promise I will never make fun of water coolers. Criss cross apple sauce. :)

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e85/DrewtheUnquestioned/unknown_joke-1.jpg

Happy, I applaud your efforts to make water coolers everywhere feel safe.

:cheer:

[Candelion]

Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.

Socks can eat any place they want.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/1231e42e-15fa-4e83-98f8-675be05e80a8_zps3399d14b.jpg?t=1399301943

[Kobi]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/5b/32/f6/5b32f662d31310086dc8a8f2f5f847e8.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/7a/c5/71/7ac57139f0f3fcf5202aacea0e0d8337.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://viralcircus.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/enhanced-11598-1398609558-7.jpg

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://cdn.techdragon.info/images/uploads/2012/01/402471_10150647566711209_265706356208_11131753_135 3336534_n.jpg

[Kobi]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/06/96/3f/06963f15b3aa663b0a7254fb93c934ba.jpg

Two sausages were cooking in a pan.

The first sausage said to the other sausage: is it me, or is it hot in here?

The other sausage stared in horror, then screamed: OMG! A TALKING SAUSAGE!

[Candelion]

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. ;)

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/a85e05e2-79fe-45a2-a458-647d3ba8d383_zpsf96189c9.jpg?t=1399406726

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/fe/fe/2a/fefe2a5273fec8c1247c574cea366c3d.jpg

[Kobi]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/08/65/e4/0865e4fa247305ebe053257927308c32.jpg

[Candelion]

I got a sweater for my birthday....I would have preferred a screamer or a moaner.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/505542ad-2183-4039-9638-e3d9e6627935_zps0a4e9694.png?t=1399480242

[Candelion]

Two goats are eating old movie film. The first goat says, "Pretty tasty, huh?" Says the second goat, "The book was better."

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/57f24bc0-27d0-45ca-9421-3094bb9bf5a0_zps36048875.jpg?t=1399482033

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://onlyfunnyjokes.com/bestoftheweb/photos/2009/03/who-wants-to-be-a-millionaire-2.jpg

[ksrainbow]

HONK, IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

HONK ALL YOU WANT – I’M DEAF.

IF YOU CAN READ THIS, I CAN SLAM ON MY BRAKES AND SUE YOU.

[Happy_Go_Lucky]

http://media.moddb.com/images/groups/1/3/2933/733850_451524324936391_1236469806_n.jpg

[TruTexan]

what did the french fries say to the chicken nuggets? Let's make a Happy Meal.
hahahahaha corny as they get.

[gotoseagrl]

What did the horse say when he fell? "Help, I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

[MysticOceansFL]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[MysticOceansFL]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

[Candelion]

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence beginning with "I".

Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, no! Always say "I am".

Johnny: Okay. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l194/burnishedlips/e78027c4-6e1d-4cb8-a930-04f39fe49a85_zpsa754ba09.jpg?t=1399550114


The teacher sends Johnny (yes, the very same Johnny from the above joke...he`s a bit of a keener) to the map to find North America. He finds it.

Teacher: Very good. Now, class, who discovered North America?

Class: Johnny!!!

[Kobi]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/4e/a2/5f/4ea25fa35106a59868dd9187c5603245.jpg