Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by christie0918

It really IS all about the BBQ...

I don't want to give the impression that I had the Waltons kinda childhood... quite the opposite. One of those deadon examples of how things aren't always as they appear.

Momma was undiagnosed/unmedicated till I was about 16. She once was on her way down the hallway in between our (my younger brother and I's) room and hers with my father's favorite .38 in hand, going to "go ahead and kill them so they don't have to grow up in this world." It was fortunate that my father intercepted her.

She was chronically suicidal when my father was away for military crap. My oldest brother, his wife and children lived in the basement apartment of our home and Daddy felt safe leaving us. I remember no less than 5 times before my 12th birthday that Momma had swallowed a handful of pills and had to be forced to vomit by my brother.

Mental health issues weren't talked about... they were whispered about and heaven forbid if you sought treatment.

I know that she did the best she could given the "tools" she had. I know that her issues are chemical in nature (for the most part) and for the last 24 years or so, she had led a relatively "normal" life.

I can't tell you how robbed of a childhood I have felt. I can't describe the anger, hurt and abandonment issues I felt towards my father. My sister, when we are speaking (in those closer than other times) often laugh that a judge, two attorneys, the TN Baptist Children's Home and a couple social workers thought that I would be "better off" raised by my parents.

Then I look at the pictures of my folks when I was a baby. They were SO happy... so proud... and honestly, couldn't love me more than if I had been naturally theirs.

I tried therapy to deal with some of my issues regarding being adopted in my early 20's. I quickly came to the conclusion that I could spend years and thousands of dollars and still not be "whole."

I admire those willing to delve that deep with a professional to resolve the issues. I think that for me, I have chosen to acknowledge that they are there... and find "workarounds." Several years ago, I had a time of soulsearching, analyzing and "me work". I know that a lot of folks haven't yet had that... and maybe never will.

Maybe its like putting a band-aid on a spurting artery. Maybe its that "primal wound" that will never be healed.

For me, even "less than whole", I think that I'm pretty well functional. If my adoption issues continued to cause me distress in my daily life, I would be hunting them down and killing them.

I think in a lot of ways, I'm lucky that I've evolved into the person I am today.

Ahh yes, the TN Baptist Children's home, I have had dealings with them too.

I've worked on other stuff in therapy, but it never occurred to me that some of my issues come from the lies and secrecy around my adoption.

I am pretty successful too, but the past year have been really rough with the death of my adoptive father from who I was estranged. In dealing with that, I find he was not my only issue.