The Mythical *Pass* for Differently-Abled People

[adorable]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Really great points BullDog and Christie!

BD, Maybe it is white privilege that I can ignore someone who makes me feel unsafe? I am actually just learning how to to do this with help from my therapist and it is proving very beneficial to *me*.

I had not thought of this from a white privileged angle. While I usually try to stop white privileged behaviors, walking away from people I do not think respect me is something I have worked very hard to be able to do, and I think it a beneficial strategy for anyone. Life changing even. It really helps with my stress level.

Christie, great answer also. It would be great to see some homework done on how to communicate with people on the spectrum so that things do not escalate to this point, but I don't expect anyone to. Since being DA applies to *me* I don't feel I can directly ask that of anyone.

Are issues of race more important than issues of disability? Which group has suffered more in the past and deserves to be dealt with through a filter of why things are like they are? You tell me.

I think we are all worthy of compassion.

Every one of us.

Even the people we can't deal with. (really hard one for me).

I want to make something very clear here.

Snow is right.

That doesn't contradict anything I have said. BECAUSE based on the information that we have at any given time (regardless of the color of our skin btw) we make choices to protect ourselves and our family. Period.

I think there is more information and to revisit something with a different view isn't necessarily a bad thing. She may or may not agree with that. But I know that when I have more information it might change how I view a situation. It might change the level of danger that I feel. It could also make it worse for her personally. Either way, she isn't wrong. It really isn't even a matter of right or wrong - it is a matter of safety.

I also think that as women, we aren't imagining that there are people out to get us. There are. It's real. People die from online interactions. There are a couple people on this site that I keep a safe distance from based on what I have seen in posting and from experiences that have been relayed by people who know them in real time.


Having a buddy system is something that I do here with one member. I know other people try to do that too them. I don't always have the patience. Some people have jumbled thoughts and type it out because it's what they're thinking. In their mind they make sense because they are thinking it. Then they are misread. So in an effort to clarify, because now people are jumping on them for posting that, they keep saying the same thing. As a buddy, I will pm the person and say people are not understanding your post. They will say, "but what I meant was" and then say the same thing to me as they did in the post and by now 15 times over in the thread.

30 pm's later all I can do is say, "I know what you meant. It's going to be ok."
Because by then, they are so upset and frustrated that no one likes them because of their post and no one understands them even though what they meant was (insert what they orginally said here which made no real sense to begin with) - that trying to get back to the original issue which was the first post where they weren't clear is the least of it.

So again, for me it comes back to capacity. In order for even a buddy system to effectively work someone has to fully understand that just because they are thinking it, doesn't mean it makes sense. And that to keep trying to say it over and over doesn't make any MORE sense.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by adorable

I want to make something very clear here.

Snow is right.

That doesn't contradict anything I have said. BECAUSE based on the information that we have at any given time (regardless of the color of our skin btw) we make choices to protect ourselves and our family. Period.

I think there is more information and to revisit something with a different view isn't necessarily a bad thing. She may or may not agree with that. But I know that when I have more information it might change how I view a situation. It might change the level of danger that I feel. It could also make it worse for her personally. Either way, she isn't wrong. It really isn't even a matter of right or wrong - it is a matter of safety.

I also think that as women, we aren't imagining that there are people out to get us. There are. It's real. People die from online interactions. There are a couple people on this site that I keep a safe distance from based on what I have seen in posting and from experiences that have been relayed by people who know them in real time.


Having a buddy system is something that I do here with one member. I know other people try to do that too them. I don't always have the patience. Some people have jumbled thoughts and type it out because it's what they're thinking. In their mind they make sense because they are thinking it. Then they are misread. So in an effort to clarify, because now people are jumping on them for posting that, they keep saying the same thing. As a buddy, I will pm the person and say people are not understanding your post. They will say, "but what I meant was" and then say the same thing to me as they did in the post and by now 15 times over in the thread.

30 pm's later all I can do is say, "I know what you meant. It's going to be ok."
Because by then, they are so upset and frustrated that no one likes them because of their post and no one understands them even though what they meant was (insert what they orginally said here which made no real sense to begin with) - that trying to get back to the original issue which was the first post where they weren't clear is the least of it.

So again, for me it comes back to capacity. In order for even a buddy system to effectively work someone has to fully understand that just because they are thinking it, doesn't mean it makes sense. And that to keep trying to say it over and over doesn't make any MORE sense.

Snow has said many things, exactly what part are you talking about?

If someone here is threatening her or her family in real time family I am 100% in accordance that they should be kicked off the website. Hell, show me where they are and I personally will call the police and/or run over them in my car. Period.

If I appear to be saying something else, my apologies!!! I do not think anyone should put themselves in danger. I thought we were discussing maybe spending a little extra time learning about how people who are differently able communicate or avoiding people who stress us out. I am NOT saying she should place herself or her children in danger. Please!

What I am saying is that if someone with a disability bugs you, you can press the ignore button or try to understand their way of communication instead of discounting them as human.

I agree with her that rules are rules and should be followed. And if she is in danger I stand beside her in friendship to help protect her and her family.

I thought we were arguing approach. Tough Love vs. extra leeway, so I am completely lost now.

[weatherboi]

tough love vs. extra leeway???

it is all relative to the situation. i read things wrong all the time. i have terrible dyslexia. honest intent. we help and treat each other accordingly. some people manipulate and take advantage of extra leeway and cry that they can't handle tough love. so what then?? let them continue to cross boundaries and placate the behavior?? i am not in support of banning people who need this community. i am however weary of people who continue to cross boundaries all over the place. whatever the reason.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

tough love vs. extra leeway???

it is all relative to the situation. i read things wrong all the time. i have terrible dyslexia. honest intent. we help and treat each other accordingly. some people manipulate and take advantage of extra leeway and cry that they can't handle tough love. so what then?? let them continue to cross boundaries and placate the behavior?? i am not in support of banning people who need this community. i am however weary of people who continue to cross boundaries all over the place. whatever the reason.

I really think some people don't have the emotional and mental maturity to not cross boundaries no matter how many times they are told.

I think some of these same people do need our community.

I think we have decide what kind of website we are going to be. Are we going to make allowances for those people who ON LINE cross our boundaries? Are we going to try and learn to communicate with them, or choose to ignore them? Or do we need to just have a zero tolerance policy?

To be clear, I am not speaking of anyone who poses a physical threat to anyone or their family. Actual proven physical threat, ZERO tolerance!!!

[weatherboi]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I really think some people don't have the emotional and mental maturity to not cross boundaries no matter how many times they are told.
agreed because i know this from personal experience.

I think some of these same people do need our community.
yessss me too

I think we have decide what kind of website we are going to be. Are we going to make allowances for those people who ON LINE cross our boundaries? Are we going to try and learn to communicate with them, or choose to ignore them? Or do we need to just have a zero tolerance policy?
i think a zero tolerance policy is just as extreme as giving a pass to bad behavior. i think it is relative to each unique situation. i think it is very clear that this website is striving to be inclusive to all even at the expense of others sometimes. everything comes with a struggle. so how long do we continue to try?

To be clear, I am not speaking of anyone who poses a physical threat to anyone or their family. Actual proven physical threat, ZERO tolerance!!!

yessss and i think that to some degree if harassment is happening online then accountability is to be had!

just being honest

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

just being honest

I agree with all of your answers.

I think to some degree, on a case to case basis, for me, it seems morally important to make an extra effort to communicate with people who communicate differently than I do when we cross paths...(I am bad at it by nature, so it is a learning process).

And whether or not it is wanted, important to make an extra effort to understand where anger comes from and how people relate.

I think sometimes when some extra care is taken in the first place things will not escalate to the point where rules are broken or people hate each other and someone talks smack...but when that happens I am glad we have the time out thing.

Sometimes people just do not have to coping skills to be on a website and some people can function with some extra help. I am very glad I am not the one to have to make the decision who is and who is not. That's really heavy.