Lesbian bed death?

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by Kobi

Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest? I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them.

In my experience, a deteriorating sexual relationship is mirroring a failing personal relationship. Hard to feel sexual when the relationship isnt working for you the way it used to. And sometimes it is hard to know if that is a correctable problem or an uncorrectable one.

Medical/physical problems, stress, and other things can contribute to the issue.

I'm wondering what others experiences might be.

Folks, as the OP, I am asking that you review the intent of the original question. I think it is very clear.

"Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest?
I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in
relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our
willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them."


This thread was meant to be a discussion of personal experiences
with the loss of the sexual aspect of a relationship. It was posted
in the Lesbian Zone because I was interested in other lesbians experiences.

Sticking to the original intent would be greatly appreciated.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Kobi

Folks, as the OP, I am asking that you review the intent of the original question. I think it is very clear.

"Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest?
I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in
relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our
willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them."


This thread was meant to be a discussion of personal experiences
with the loss of the sexual aspect of a relationship. It was posted
in the Lesbian Zone because I was interested in other lesbians experiences.

Sticking to the original intent would be greatly appreciated.

I apologize if what I posted elicited the thread in getting off track in any way. I'll side step out of the thread, now.


P.S. to CityButch, just to clarify. #2 states gay men have more sex than lesbians. I did not say anything about men having longer lasting sexual relationships, I only spoke to what types of couplings were having the most sex.

P.S. To clarify what others may have thought I said: 1)I said nothing about gay male's relationships regarding monogamy.
2)I do not think that I was "telling lesbians what their sexuality is like". I spoke to frequency of sex in male and female couplings, based on my understanding through the course of study. The purpose was to give background to where my thought came from regarding lesbian bed death (or rather, why their may be less sex in female/female couplings than other couplings per research). It no doubt would have behooved me to seek out more academic studies to present, but honestly, did not want to take the time to do that. I would have skipped saying anything if I thought that was necessary to engage.
3)I also did not say that lesbian's relationships go sexless when they are having problems.

I would like to not return to this thread so that it may return to what Kobi wants it to be. I would like to be done with the topic, but will engage with PMs if someone really feels compelled to further discuss.

Thank you.

[waxnrope]

Kobi, thanks for restating the intent of your post. Since we are back on track, I want to say that the topic was something that I recall being discussed a lot in the late 70s/early 80s ... "Berkeley dykes" discussion groups.

Anyway, I did not experience this at the time, but individuals and couples who did, also seemed to have encountered a relationship death, too. A distancing, emotionally, between them. This is what I thought and it is only my opinion and observation.

In terms of my own experience, this situation happened once, later, and after the women's support groups, which discussed such topics, began to die down. In my/our case, this lack of sexual interest was not medically related. It was something else, something within our relationship, which became aware to me when the sex died (I was yet again in school at the time ...). Can I get a "duh"?

When I did become aware, I discussed this with my partner, we talked for days, and it did resolve, albeit, it took some time to reestablish trust and intimacy.

I post this in order to contribute a personal, and uncomfortable tidbit and am not comfortable doing so ... sometimes others misread one's posts, even from the personal perspective, so I'd appreciate if the reader understands why I do not go into great detail or find it necessary to either dismiss or criticize. I am simply offering MY experience and observation.

[Lynn]

This happened to me in my first lesbian relationship, in the first couple of years after I came out. I lost any interest in sex with her or with anyone. I felt disconnected from my own body, too. I remember bringing it up in therapy, and the therapist gave me all these things to try to re-ignite my physical reactions (involving soap, lotion, and showers...). None of it interested me at all. At the same time, I was going through a very contentious and painful coming out process with my family. So, as I've looked at it over the years, I'd say I was depressed. Depression will do that to a person--squash their sex drive.

I had a similar response when I was married to my (bio-male) husband. I could see then that I was depressed, also. I had a bit more insight and self-awareness, as well as some understanding of his feelings, so we did have sex, but it wasn't out of physical desire on my part.

Now, I view sex as a very important aspect of my relationship. If someone lost interest in me, I would want to try to figure it out and resolve it. But, there are factors such as depression, medication, health, stress...and on and on which can impact desire. I wouldn't leave someone because we weren't having sex, but I'd want to understand what was going on and try to fix it, if possible.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Lynn

This happened to me in my first lesbian relationship, in the first couple of years after I came out. I lost any interest in sex with her or with anyone. I felt disconnected from my own body, too. I remember bringing it up in therapy, and the therapist gave me all these things to try to re-ignite my physical reactions (involving soap, lotion, and showers...). None of it interested me at all. At the same time, I was going through a very contentious and painful coming out process with my family. So, as I've looked at it over the years, I'd say I was depressed. Depression will do that to a person--squash their sex drive.

I had a similar response when I was married to my (bio-male) husband. I could see then that I was depressed, also. I had a bit more insight and self-awareness, as well as some understanding of his feelings, so we did have sex, but it wasn't out of physical desire on my part.

Now, I view sex as a very important aspect of my relationship. If someone lost interest in me, I would want to try to figure it out and resolve it. But, there are factors such as depression, medication, health, stress...and on and on which can impact desire. I wouldn't leave someone because we weren't having sex, but I'd want to understand what was going on and try to fix it, if possible.

Thank you Lynn...for sharing your experience and also bringing up something for me that's been running through my head since Corkey posted.

I can completely see how depression can squash the sex drive. The twist for me is that the lack of sex can trigger depression, igniting a vicious emotional circle for me.

A bit of overshare here, perhaps, but...as a kid, I grew up with very strong messages that I was not wanted, was an inconvenience and then some, and that I was only as good as what I provided or produced. My mother delighted in telling stories of how she thought I was retarded (which can happen when you never speak to your very shy but bright child), and how she had contemplated killing us (my sister and I) and then herself on several occasions....except that she didn't really want to kill herself and didn't want to go to prison.

Fast forward through many destructive relationships with narcissists, a total hitting bottom episode in my life, and years of counseling, journaling, crying and processing...and I'm much better. I know my worth. Life is good.

Except...if I love someone, and they close down on me sexually, the spark is gone when they look at me....then I have to struggle mightily not to flip hard into those old feelings.

I totally get what you and Corkey are saying...and what citybutch said about life's pressures intervening...but for me I need to feel valued, desired and treasured for who I am...not for what I do or provide. You can tell me that I'm a wonderful mother, a good cook, a hard worker, etc. and I will thank you. I appreciate that. But I know those things about myself too. What I need from my partner is that glint in their eye that says they want me....just me...and that they want to connect in that special and intense way that sexuality provides.

If the person I love is struggling with depression or medical issues or whatever that drains their desire, then I will hang in and work with them as long as I am able, and as long as they are trying. But, again just for me, to hang in for years with someone who does not desire me and who isn't trying to fix it (speaking only from my own experience now), then I know that's an incredibly destructive emotional place for me to be and....because I now care about myself too...I need to leave.

[Lynn]

Originally Posted by JustJo

I totally get what you and Corkey are saying...and what citybutch said about life's pressures intervening...but for me I need to feel valued, desired and treasured for who I am...not for what I do or provide. You can tell me that I'm a wonderful mother, a good cook, a hard worker, etc. and I will thank you. I appreciate that. But I know those things about myself too. What I need from my partner is that glint in their eye that says they want me....just me...and that they want to connect in that special and intense way that sexuality provides.

If the person I love is struggling with depression or medical issues or whatever that drains their desire, then I will hang in and work with them as long as I am able, and as long as they are trying. But, again just for me, to hang in for years with someone who does not desire me and who isn't trying to fix it (speaking only from my own experience now), then I know that's an incredibly destructive emotional place for me to be and....because I now care about myself too...I need to leave.

I completely understand what you're saying, and I would tend to agree. After all, depression affects more than just sex drive. One could tend to give up on everything and become very intoverted. This isn't a great place from which to express intimacy and affection, even if there isn't sex. A relationship implies the involvement of more than one person. There has to be a point when one decides they did what they could and it just isn't getting better. I believe everyone has the right to decide when enough is enough.

[Corkey]

I can see if ones partner isn't trying, but that to me has more to do with communicating with one another than anything else. And yes I am married to a lesbian so I think that I can post to this issue. I think more so the title is a misnomer because it is a human condition and something that happens to some couples no matter their gender or sexual preference. Medications and physical and mental conditions do play a huge part in this issue and I think that people need to have the discussion before they get to the point of actually being in a relationship.
Thanks for letting my opinion be of some help.

[Kobi]

Thanks to those who have, are and will be sharing their experiences.
It is much easier to strut our stuff and bask in our prowess than to
discuss the less pleasant side of things.

For me, there seems to be a distinct connection between my
emotions and my sexuality. If I am not feeling good about me,
the other, or us, it will show first in the bedroom.

Medications and certain illnesses affecting sexual response have
also been my experience.

Communication is essential regardless of the cause if one expects to muddle
thru to the other side. Whether it is dealing with interpersonal stuff, dealing
with self stuff, exploring new ways to evoke response - which is kind of fun-
or gappling with the demise of a relationship, both parties have to be willing
to put forth the effort to work it out.

Feeling desired or desiring is a very powerful motivator. Sometimes we lose our
way until we see that sparkle in another eyes or feel that electricity in anothers
touch again.

[citybutch]

And my point DapperButch is that it just isn't true that gay men in long term relationships (which is presumably where Bed Death occurs.. long term relationships) have sex more frequently than lesbians... The studies show that as does my personal experience... In fact, we have friends that are gay and male and they don't have sex at all after many years together (they are the only ones we have actually HAD this discussion with but I suspect it to be true for our other long term relationship friends (and by long term I don't mean 3 years)... My wife and I do have sex in our 12th year of our life together... My point IS... that a withdrawal from sexual activity is universal.. unless there is a concentration on keeping intimacy alive. SO... if we are to have a conversation about Bed Death.. let's discuss it not in terms of a hierarchy of WHO has sex more... and quoting a study that has been debunked. Let's talk about it as the OP intended... What is it and why does it happen?...

Originally Posted by DapperButch

P.S. to CityButch, just to clarify. #2 states gay men have more sex than lesbians. I did not say anything about men having longer lasting sexual relationships, I only spoke to what types of couplings were having the most sex.

[DapperButch]

<deleted post so as not to derail>

I will PM my response to citybutch

[LaneyDoll]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

P.S. to CityButch, just to clarify.

#2 states gay men have more sex than lesbians. I did not say anything about men having longer lasting sexual relationships, I only spoke to what types of couplings were having the most sex.

P.S. To clarify what others may have thought I said:
1)I said nothing about gay male's relationships regarding monogamy.

I am kind of curious myself about the gay male's relationship re. monogamy. I hesitated posting anything because I do NOT want to look as if I am making assumptions or generalizations BUT I guess I am going to take that chance now.

I have a very dear friend who is a gay man and he has sex more than most people I know. But, he is having sex with more than one, or even two, partners at any given time. I am not sure if this is indicative or not-I only have the one friend.

However, if it does (even partially) reflect with any accuracy, then surely this would explain WHY the male/male couple is reported to have sex with greater frequency than the female/female couple.

Personally, I have an extremely high sex drive & try to date women who match that. I have dated a woman in the past who had almost zero (like less than once a month) sex drive and if her abusiveness has ended things, the sex issue may have. However, she would not see to my sexual needs and got angry if I wanted to tend to my them myself.

I like to think thought, that if my relationship was good in every way except sex, I would be ok.

Thanks for starting this thread, it has given me insight and information about a subject of which I was previously unfamiliar.

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by LaneyDoll

I have an extremely high sex drive & try to date women who match that. I have dated a woman in the past who had almost zero (like less than once a month) sex drive and if her abusiveness has ended things, the sex issue may have. However, she would not see to my sexual needs and got angry if I wanted to tend to my them myself.

I like to think thought, that if my relationship was good in every way except sex, I would be ok.

I had a very similar experience, except my ex gf's libido was originally high and then dropped to nothing. For me it was the last straw, I was unhappy AND I wasn't getting sex. I have had a good relationship end due to LBD as well, as she wouldn't talk about it, wasn't interested in fixing it and didn't seem to care about my frustration. By the time we started having sex again the damage to our relationship was irreparable.