Lesbian bed death?

[Lynn]

This happened to me in my first lesbian relationship, in the first couple of years after I came out. I lost any interest in sex with her or with anyone. I felt disconnected from my own body, too. I remember bringing it up in therapy, and the therapist gave me all these things to try to re-ignite my physical reactions (involving soap, lotion, and showers...). None of it interested me at all. At the same time, I was going through a very contentious and painful coming out process with my family. So, as I've looked at it over the years, I'd say I was depressed. Depression will do that to a person--squash their sex drive.

I had a similar response when I was married to my (bio-male) husband. I could see then that I was depressed, also. I had a bit more insight and self-awareness, as well as some understanding of his feelings, so we did have sex, but it wasn't out of physical desire on my part.

Now, I view sex as a very important aspect of my relationship. If someone lost interest in me, I would want to try to figure it out and resolve it. But, there are factors such as depression, medication, health, stress...and on and on which can impact desire. I wouldn't leave someone because we weren't having sex, but I'd want to understand what was going on and try to fix it, if possible.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Lynn

This happened to me in my first lesbian relationship, in the first couple of years after I came out. I lost any interest in sex with her or with anyone. I felt disconnected from my own body, too. I remember bringing it up in therapy, and the therapist gave me all these things to try to re-ignite my physical reactions (involving soap, lotion, and showers...). None of it interested me at all. At the same time, I was going through a very contentious and painful coming out process with my family. So, as I've looked at it over the years, I'd say I was depressed. Depression will do that to a person--squash their sex drive.

I had a similar response when I was married to my (bio-male) husband. I could see then that I was depressed, also. I had a bit more insight and self-awareness, as well as some understanding of his feelings, so we did have sex, but it wasn't out of physical desire on my part.

Now, I view sex as a very important aspect of my relationship. If someone lost interest in me, I would want to try to figure it out and resolve it. But, there are factors such as depression, medication, health, stress...and on and on which can impact desire. I wouldn't leave someone because we weren't having sex, but I'd want to understand what was going on and try to fix it, if possible.

Thank you Lynn...for sharing your experience and also bringing up something for me that's been running through my head since Corkey posted.

I can completely see how depression can squash the sex drive. The twist for me is that the lack of sex can trigger depression, igniting a vicious emotional circle for me.

A bit of overshare here, perhaps, but...as a kid, I grew up with very strong messages that I was not wanted, was an inconvenience and then some, and that I was only as good as what I provided or produced. My mother delighted in telling stories of how she thought I was retarded (which can happen when you never speak to your very shy but bright child), and how she had contemplated killing us (my sister and I) and then herself on several occasions....except that she didn't really want to kill herself and didn't want to go to prison.

Fast forward through many destructive relationships with narcissists, a total hitting bottom episode in my life, and years of counseling, journaling, crying and processing...and I'm much better. I know my worth. Life is good.

Except...if I love someone, and they close down on me sexually, the spark is gone when they look at me....then I have to struggle mightily not to flip hard into those old feelings.

I totally get what you and Corkey are saying...and what citybutch said about life's pressures intervening...but for me I need to feel valued, desired and treasured for who I am...not for what I do or provide. You can tell me that I'm a wonderful mother, a good cook, a hard worker, etc. and I will thank you. I appreciate that. But I know those things about myself too. What I need from my partner is that glint in their eye that says they want me....just me...and that they want to connect in that special and intense way that sexuality provides.

If the person I love is struggling with depression or medical issues or whatever that drains their desire, then I will hang in and work with them as long as I am able, and as long as they are trying. But, again just for me, to hang in for years with someone who does not desire me and who isn't trying to fix it (speaking only from my own experience now), then I know that's an incredibly destructive emotional place for me to be and....because I now care about myself too...I need to leave.

[Lynn]

Originally Posted by JustJo

I totally get what you and Corkey are saying...and what citybutch said about life's pressures intervening...but for me I need to feel valued, desired and treasured for who I am...not for what I do or provide. You can tell me that I'm a wonderful mother, a good cook, a hard worker, etc. and I will thank you. I appreciate that. But I know those things about myself too. What I need from my partner is that glint in their eye that says they want me....just me...and that they want to connect in that special and intense way that sexuality provides.

If the person I love is struggling with depression or medical issues or whatever that drains their desire, then I will hang in and work with them as long as I am able, and as long as they are trying. But, again just for me, to hang in for years with someone who does not desire me and who isn't trying to fix it (speaking only from my own experience now), then I know that's an incredibly destructive emotional place for me to be and....because I now care about myself too...I need to leave.

I completely understand what you're saying, and I would tend to agree. After all, depression affects more than just sex drive. One could tend to give up on everything and become very intoverted. This isn't a great place from which to express intimacy and affection, even if there isn't sex. A relationship implies the involvement of more than one person. There has to be a point when one decides they did what they could and it just isn't getting better. I believe everyone has the right to decide when enough is enough.

[Corkey]

I can see if ones partner isn't trying, but that to me has more to do with communicating with one another than anything else. And yes I am married to a lesbian so I think that I can post to this issue. I think more so the title is a misnomer because it is a human condition and something that happens to some couples no matter their gender or sexual preference. Medications and physical and mental conditions do play a huge part in this issue and I think that people need to have the discussion before they get to the point of actually being in a relationship.
Thanks for letting my opinion be of some help.

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by Corkey

I can see if ones partner isn't trying, but that to me has more to do with communicating with one another than anything else. And yes I am married to a lesbian so I think that I can post to this issue. I think more so the title is a misnomer because it is a human condition and something that happens to some couples no matter their gender or sexual preference. Medications and physical and mental conditions do play a huge part in this issue and I think that people need to have the discussion before they get to the point of actually being in a relationship.
Thanks for letting my opinion be of some help.

I agree with you Corkey. It's a human condition that can happen to any couple. That's why I said earlier why is there no term for heterosexual bed death or gay men bed death. The whole term and that study that was widely publicized are just perpetuating myths about lesbians plain and simple.

You definitely bring up good points about things that should be discussed before seriously committing to a relationship.

I think also sometimes there are sexual incompatibilities that can become more of an issue as time goes on. Obviously the best thing to do is try and work them out, but sometimes it really isn't possible and you don't realize how much of an issue it is until some time has passed. At least this is something I have experienced.

[Chazz]

Originally Posted by BullDog

I agree with you Corkey. It's a human condition that can happen to any couple. That's why I said earlier why is there no term for heterosexual bed death or gay men bed death. The whole term and that study that was widely publicized are just perpetuating myths about lesbians plain and simple.

You definitely bring up good points about things that should be discussed before seriously committing to a relationship.

I think also sometimes there are sexual incompatibilities that can become more of an issue as time goes on. Obviously the best thing to do is try and work them out, but sometimes it really isn't possible and you don't realize how much of an issue it is until some time has passed. At least this is something I have experienced.

I also think sexual incompatibility is a big issue. It may not be recognized as such at the beginning when things are fresh and new, but as the novelty wears off it can become a deal breaker.

[Jess]

I haven't read this entire thread as I remember all too clearly the huge arguments that came up in the 80's when discussing this topic.

I ran across this video just a minute ago and thought it appropriate for a thread about Lesbian sex. I apologize if it has already been posted.

It's called Hearts Cracked Open, a film about Lesbian Tantra. Not everyone's cup of tea, but relevant none the less.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...9732300321633#

[bigbutchmistie]

Um Ive never had this issue Just sayin

But that being said. I havent been with someone for a long period. Of time. However, I do have a high sex drive and cannot be with someone who doesnt.

I believe all needs of a relationship should be met so if I was with someone and that wasnt there anymore. Im sorry to say I dont know that I could stay in that relationship... For me, it would be a friendship then...

Just my two cents and MY thoughts....

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by BullDog

why is there no term for heterosexual bed death.

There is, its called Bed Death.

The whole heterosexual-couple-losing-interest-in-sex is a well known problem, in fact around half of all couples going to see sex counsellor are doing so as one party has lost interest in sex. There are also numerous books out there aimed at heterosexual couples as to how to 'reclaim the spark' and deal with the problem. A few years ago I went to a lecture where a counsellor who specialised in sexual issues claimed that no one yet had found a sure-fire way to treat heterosexual bed death. It's not only women who are to blame, however when men lose their sex drive it's generally considered to be a medical problem.