Dating women with children, any thoughts?

[Glenn]

My wife had a beautiful 2 year old daughter when I met her. I still don't know which one I love more, or loves me more Of course you can get babysitters to go out and be alone like we did. But most of the time, our dates consisted of going on trips together,thezoo, museums, home movies and board games,trick or treating, teaching them stuff you learned, school things like sports/concerts, parent-teacher meetings, circuses, kids birthday parties, friends sleeping over, movies, eating out, malls, etc.

[J. Mason]

Originally Posted by popcorninthesofa

My wife had a beautiful 2 year old daughter when I met her. I still don't know which one I love more Of course you can get babysitters to go out and be alone like we did. But most of the time, my dates consisted of going on trips together,thezoo, museums, home movies and board games,trick or treating, teaching them stuff you learned, school things like sports/concerts, parent-teacher meetings, circuses, kids birthday parties, friends sleeping over, movies.etc.you get the picture?

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by J. Mason

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.

Funny thing with kids is they come with another set of family besides the mother and the mother's side... That's something that is between them, you're not to speak ugly of other said parent in front of child for that is speaking ill of them. Teen agers aren't a picnic, they are one boundary setting after another, remember being one? They are going to push... It's part of their journey it's up to the parental units to set clear boundaries and lines of respect amongst the family unit..... You are coming into their family and have to remember they are going to let you in or not.

Good Luck and be patient..

[J. Mason]

Yup lots of patience and if I do go meet her she already told me I am meeting them. Just no clue on how to mingle with them and what they like to do except eat LOL.

Oh lawd me as a teenger, now that's another story in itself.

[moxie]

Originally Posted by J. Mason

Yup lots of patience and if I do go meet her she already told me I am meeting them. Just no clue on how to mingle with them and what they like to do except eat LOL.

Oh lawd me as a teenger, now that's another story in itself.

Maybe I am reading too much into it, and please tell me if I am incorrect, but it sounds like the first time you meet her you will be meeting the kids too. Is this correct?

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by puregrrl

Maybe I am reading too much into it, and please tell me if I am incorrect, but it sounds like the first time you meet her you will be meeting the kids too. Is this correct?

[J. Mason]

Originally Posted by puregrrl

Maybe I am reading too much into it, and please tell me if I am incorrect, but it sounds like the first time you meet her you will be meeting the kids too. Is this correct?

Yes you are correct. I think she has spoken to the boys about me in good context and I have never given her any reason to not trust me. Ohhh and this is someone who is NOT on this site, just to clear things up.

[The_Lady_Snow]

[QUOTE=J. Mason;401197]Yes you are correct. I think she has spoken to the boys about me in good context and I have never given her any reason to not trust me. Ohhh and this is someone who is NOT on this site, just to clear things up.[/QUt


I would think you would want to hang out with Mom first without the kids being involved, you don't even know if you can hang with this relationship why expose the kids? If you aren't gonna stick around for a long time there is no sense in meeting the kids until some kind of relationship or friendship is built and has some steady foundation. I could be wrong though...

[moxie]

Originally Posted by J. Mason

Yes you are correct. I think she has spoken to the boys about me in good context and I have never given her any reason to not trust me. Ohhh and this is someone who is NOT on this site, just to clear things up.

I can tell you from personal experience of being the child of a single mother who dated a lot and men were introduced quickly and often it was VERY confusing and hurt a lot when the relationship didn't go anywhere. Children are very resilient but at the same time, it is not fair to bring people into their lives that may not be there for the long haul. Kids don't understand the complexities.

[dixie]

I have a teenage son. I am very picky about who he meets. I most definitely would not introduce him to someone the first time I was meeting them myself. Perhaps I am over-protective. Usually I have to be seriously dating the person before introductions are made to any member of my family, for that matter. I figure that I need to know the person well and have a relationship (or intention of one) before I will take the risk of my son getting involved and possibly attached.

[LaneyDoll]

As someone with kids, I have a few thoughts as they relate to me and my children...
*rather than gifts, my kids would prefer time/attention, but only if it is shared in a genuine manner; but if you must present a gift, make it one that shows you put some thought and effort into it. Do NOT buy any gift that adds to my expenses. A puppy is cute & all but I have to pay a pet deposit of $400 if you show up with one.
*ALL ages of kids have their good & bad times; my 13 year old is probably easier to be around than my 7 year old b/c my oldest can sit and have an intelligent conversation with you while my 7 year old won't have much to talk about beyond 7 year old things
*my kids come first-period. But my situation is different. My kids go to their dad's place on "his weekends" and they go visit my mom on "my weekends." So, I actually have a decent amount of alone/adult time.
*I do not expect someone to be a surrogate parent. My children have a mother and a father and both are present in the kids lives. Anyone else should be a friend, role model, confidant etc. Not that they are less important, they just have a different place in the kids lives.
*I struggle with how soon someone meets my kids. A friend once advised that I let people meet the kids early on, to establish that my kids ARE part of my life. But, on the other hand, I am pretty protective. Anyone who meets my kids early on is introduced as "my friend."

Families are well worth the investment in time/effort. But not everyone is made to date a family. I have dated women in the past who just could not handle it and things ended. And I respect them for having gotten out when they did, rather than everyone be miserable.

[Ginger]

I'm the live-in girlfriend of a single mom, and here's what I've learned. Every situation is different but here's what works in mine:

1) Avoid ever taking a parental or disciplinary role. If safety is involved, of course, step up to the plate, and quickly. Otherwise, wait and report the behavior to the mom--but only if you think she'd want to hear it! And save your silver bullets. Don't go running to her all the time with troubling shit the kid did.

What I found works best in my situation is, that even if it's something little, like setting the table, I now ask the mom to ask the kid. I made the mistake in the beginning, of assuming I would be some kind of co-parent, or step-mom, and that caused all kinds of problems. So, I took it way, way down. Result? Peace. The kid is nicer to me, and the mom isn't bent out of shape at what she sees as my interference in her parenting.


2) Never fight in front of the kid. Did your parents fight in front of you? Mine did, all the time--and it felt awful. I don't want to put another kid in that situation. Besides, even if your partner is being an asshole, if the kid sees you fight, you're the bad guy, and that feels ever worse than the fight.


3) Accept, and don't take it personally, that you will never come first with your partner. Well, maybe on a very rare basis, you'll feel like you're the priority, but if you need a lot of that, you're in for a lot of disappointment. The kid comes first, and if you can't handle that, find a partner without a kid and stop torturing her with your whining--she will only resent you for it.


4) Hold on to your sense of self; don't abandon your own hobbies and beloved "grownup" activities; don't lose touch with your friends and things that aren't "kid friendly." Gradually, in an organic way, you might gel as a "family" with your partner and her kid/s, but then again, she might not have that as a goal (mine doesn't; she tried to tell me as much, but I didn't hear it at first). Besides being clear about expectations before you move in, be flexible, and once you do move in, go with the flow. It's not a predictable process and meanwhile, it's incredibly important to make sure you have your own life, that your own identify is intact and not dependent on fitting into some fantasy you thought would happen and isn't going to.


5) I guess last of all I want to reiterate something from that last point--be clear about your expectations, before you move in.

These aren't things I learned easily, and they aren't appropriate for everyone, so please don't take offense if they aren't right for you. Honestly if they spare one person the heartache I experienced, living under some very misguided expectations, it's worth the trouble posting it.

Good luck.

IslandScout

[mariamma]

Interesting thread. I have 3 kids who are awesome! My ex seems to be more drawn to the kids than he ever was to me. Yes, they are that awesome. When I mention to women that I have young kids, they recoil a bit. After they meet them, they relax and enjoy their silly, charming nature. My kids are very much like me. I am kid at heart. But I usually am in adult mode when I am with them since they need guidance and focus.
I've had to distance myself from women who want kids and try to grasp for my kids. It just doesn't seem healthy to over emote around kids that you are meeting for the first time. It's great to like kids and want a GF who has them. But...
Every mother is different. But my kids come first, always. Period. They are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep (well, one of the last things). They spend 1/2 the week with their father so I have alone time and get to recharge my batteries. I'm single and have time to date (however, there are no local women I would like to date). I suspect that women believe 3 kids would take all my time and leave them out in the cold. Even though my kids come first, this isn't true. I've always wanted sex more than my lovers did and being present in a relationship has never been my issue.
Being a mother has opened my heart, life and spirit in unimagined ways. My patience, listening skills, compassion, nurturing, intuitive skills, etc. all have heightened and made me a better partner. Of course it isn't easy. The feminine brain sure comes in handy (E increases multi-tasking, assessment, reading body language and other skills) and it kick into overdrive when the kids are with me. Being a mother has made me even more womanly (femme).
Now if I could only find a hot butch...

[RadiantYearning]

Originally Posted by J. Mason

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.

I have three children ... they are 18, 15 and 5. I'm incredibly open with my children and I don't hide my affection for my partners from them because I refuse to give them a reason to ever feel ashamed of who their mother is or who I love. It kills me when people, especially parents, cry and complain about acceptance when they themselves aren't even proud enough of who they are to share all of their lives with their kids. I understand special circumstances and I don't pretend to always be right or understand every situation ... I only know that very often it's the parents themselves who plant the seeds of shame in their own kids.

That being said, kids, especially teenagers, can sniff out a phony faster than a bloodhound!! Everyone who said don't try to buy the kids couldn't have been more dead on. Sure, the kids will enjoy whatever it is you spoil them with but they will absolutely see right through you and the best you can hope for then will be polite manipulation. My best advice is to be genuine and take the time to get to know the kids. Spend time with them and let them know that you sincerely accept them as part of the package. Respect is indeed a two way street, especially with teenagers who are quickly approaching young adulthood. Respect that these boys are their mother's first priority in the world regardless of their age and know that the way you treat their mom will directly impact your relationship with them and thus your relationship with her! Also know that if you attempt to compete with them, you will lose so don't try ... there are so many different ways to love, strive to make the love between the two of you special while accepting that the love between a mother and her children is always paramount.

[Tcountry]

Dating 101:

• How long have you been talking and what are the current intentions?If you have been talking for a long time and the delay in the first meeting is because of distance...
  If intentions are long term
  If you have actually had a phone convo with the kids
  
• What is the event schedule for this first meeting?Are you meeting mother and kids for dinner and then getting "us time" with just the mother?
  
• How old are the kids and how out/open is the mother?The kids are teenagers, the mom could be very open with them. They could be, like Radiant indicated, the BS meters...lol
  Younger kids attach easier and faster (or the ones I have met)
  How close is mom to the kids father? How close are the kids?
  
• What is the mother's thought process as to your meeting the kids, and what would you be introduced as?Why is she wanting you to meet them first meeting?
  Will you be her "friend", someone she wants to date, etc etc...?
  
  AND these are just the questions I can think of at the moment.
  A lot of it has to do with the mother and her intentions and actions/feelings...not only about you but about dating and about her kids.
  I have been in a relationship where the father lived in the same town and we all celebrated major holidays together...
  I have talked to one lady and during one of the first phone convos talked to her teenage daughter(by daughter's request)...
  
  It is all relivant and every family is as different as every individual person here...I would advise you to keep communication honest and clear before during and after first meeting.
  
  IF you have any doubts or hesitations...please voice them BEFORE you ever meet the kids.
  
  All the living together, and parenting, and stuff like that advise would come later...lol
  
  That is all I have for now.... *tip hat* good luck!
  

[always2late]

After reading the posts, as a mom, I'd like to add my two cents. From what was written, it seems that you will be meeting the kids the first time the two of you meet. No disrespect towards you or your date, but I don't think that's such a good idea. I've never let my son meet anyone I've dated on our first date, and especially not the first time I've ever met in person. Again, this is not meant to be disrespectful, but you never REALLY know someone until you spend some actual face-time with them. I just think a first meeting is way too soon to involve the kids.

[Mtn]

I was blessed with three beautiful children out of relationships, all when they were about 5, they remain MINE to this day, (Laura RIP), They were always first, and responded to the love they felt all around. As I have gotten older and been with women with adult children, they have become mine as well, and I cherish those relationships. I have always understood my place, and respected their relationships with their Mom. Syl has a 15 and 18 yr old, and we are developing relationships. Some days are good and some days are not,lol. Be real, be PRESENT, respect everyone, and understand that no matter how old they are they will call crying and YOUR needs will not matter a hooot. Best of luck!

[jelli]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

I have three children ... they are 18, 15 and 5. I'm incredibly open with my children and I don't hide my affection for my partners from them because I refuse to give them a reason to ever feel ashamed of who their mother is or who I love. It kills me when people, especially parents, cry and complain about acceptance when they themselves aren't even proud enough of who they are to share all of their lives with their kids. I understand special circumstances and I don't pretend to always be right or understand every situation ... I only know that very often it's the parents themselves who plant the seeds of shame in their own kids.

That being said, kids, especially teenagers, can sniff out a phony faster than a bloodhound!! Everyone who said don't try to buy the kids couldn't have been more dead on. Sure, the kids will enjoy whatever it is you spoil them with but they will absolutely see right through you and the best you can hope for then will be polite manipulation. My best advice is to be genuine and take the time to get to know the kids. Spend time with them and let them know that you sincerely accept them as part of the package. Respect is indeed a two way street, especially with teenagers who are quickly approaching young adulthood. Respect that these boys are their mother's first priority in the world regardless of their age and know that the way you treat their mom will directly impact your relationship with them and thus your relationship with her! Also know that if you attempt to compete with them, you will lose so don't try ... there are so many different ways to love, strive to make the love between the two of you special while accepting that the love between a mother and her children is always paramount.

The statement about the kids being like bloodhounds... If that were true than why do we have all the issues with breakups, dating, etc?

[jelli]

I am a mother of 5, yes 5. I met my partner, Cruel, 9 years ago. Cruel had no children and was pretty sure would not date someone that had children. Boy, did I *show* her....lol Cruel knew of my kids right away, but did not meet them for a couple months. We dated, we got to know one another as best we could, but I am not sure one can ever prepare themselves enough - only as best as possible.

Cruel and I had talks about parenting skill, issues we might face that possibly could cause conflict, boundaries, money, education, employment, etc.

We found situations periodically that caused conflict or caused us to examine what was behind the way we were feeling/thinking/acting. We sought out counseling at one point and it was such a turning point. This didn't have so much to do with the issues at hand, but more in the way we were communicating ourselves.

We have had to deal with a father that was constantly surfacing in a neg. light and the feelings that brought about for our kids and in turn us.

One thing we agree that we never discussed was the age of the kids when we started our relationship and how their development(in many areas) and level of maturity may also play a role in how they accept/deny a relationship or the incoming partner.

I have the utmost respect and admiration for the task my Cruel took on and the growth that has taken place over the years. We are better individuals because of each other and because of that fact we are a better couple and better parenting unit.

I am a firm believer in getting to know the person face to face and taking your time to do so. When and if the time is right then meet the kids. Get to know the kids slowly and in doing so experience how the parent is with their child(ren). Perhaps you won't like how they interact with one another. Perhaps it will bring up some issues from your own childhood/past. Prepare yourself for the fact the parent could like you, but the kids not so much.

Then what???

No matter what you two adults choose to do please remember the kids are impacted by everything. Of course they are resilient beings, but sometimes they are unnecessarily involved in situations or decisions that could've been put off until a more appropriate time or avoided altogether.

[RadiantYearning]

Originally Posted by jelli

The statement about the kids being like bloodhounds... If that were true than why do we have all the issues with breakups, dating, etc?

My apologies, I don't have any of the issues that you speak of so I will correct my statement. My children have always been able to sniff out phonies better than bloodhounds, especially my son who is my oldest. I'm sorry if my statement didn't apply to you.