Dating women with children, any thoughts?

[RadiantYearning]

Originally Posted by J. Mason

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.

I have three children ... they are 18, 15 and 5. I'm incredibly open with my children and I don't hide my affection for my partners from them because I refuse to give them a reason to ever feel ashamed of who their mother is or who I love. It kills me when people, especially parents, cry and complain about acceptance when they themselves aren't even proud enough of who they are to share all of their lives with their kids. I understand special circumstances and I don't pretend to always be right or understand every situation ... I only know that very often it's the parents themselves who plant the seeds of shame in their own kids.

That being said, kids, especially teenagers, can sniff out a phony faster than a bloodhound!! Everyone who said don't try to buy the kids couldn't have been more dead on. Sure, the kids will enjoy whatever it is you spoil them with but they will absolutely see right through you and the best you can hope for then will be polite manipulation. My best advice is to be genuine and take the time to get to know the kids. Spend time with them and let them know that you sincerely accept them as part of the package. Respect is indeed a two way street, especially with teenagers who are quickly approaching young adulthood. Respect that these boys are their mother's first priority in the world regardless of their age and know that the way you treat their mom will directly impact your relationship with them and thus your relationship with her! Also know that if you attempt to compete with them, you will lose so don't try ... there are so many different ways to love, strive to make the love between the two of you special while accepting that the love between a mother and her children is always paramount.

[Tcountry]

Dating 101:

• How long have you been talking and what are the current intentions?If you have been talking for a long time and the delay in the first meeting is because of distance...
  If intentions are long term
  If you have actually had a phone convo with the kids
  
• What is the event schedule for this first meeting?Are you meeting mother and kids for dinner and then getting "us time" with just the mother?
  
• How old are the kids and how out/open is the mother?The kids are teenagers, the mom could be very open with them. They could be, like Radiant indicated, the BS meters...lol
  Younger kids attach easier and faster (or the ones I have met)
  How close is mom to the kids father? How close are the kids?
  
• What is the mother's thought process as to your meeting the kids, and what would you be introduced as?Why is she wanting you to meet them first meeting?
  Will you be her "friend", someone she wants to date, etc etc...?
  
  AND these are just the questions I can think of at the moment.
  A lot of it has to do with the mother and her intentions and actions/feelings...not only about you but about dating and about her kids.
  I have been in a relationship where the father lived in the same town and we all celebrated major holidays together...
  I have talked to one lady and during one of the first phone convos talked to her teenage daughter(by daughter's request)...
  
  It is all relivant and every family is as different as every individual person here...I would advise you to keep communication honest and clear before during and after first meeting.
  
  IF you have any doubts or hesitations...please voice them BEFORE you ever meet the kids.
  
  All the living together, and parenting, and stuff like that advise would come later...lol
  
  That is all I have for now.... *tip hat* good luck!
  

[always2late]

After reading the posts, as a mom, I'd like to add my two cents. From what was written, it seems that you will be meeting the kids the first time the two of you meet. No disrespect towards you or your date, but I don't think that's such a good idea. I've never let my son meet anyone I've dated on our first date, and especially not the first time I've ever met in person. Again, this is not meant to be disrespectful, but you never REALLY know someone until you spend some actual face-time with them. I just think a first meeting is way too soon to involve the kids.

[Mtn]

I was blessed with three beautiful children out of relationships, all when they were about 5, they remain MINE to this day, (Laura RIP), They were always first, and responded to the love they felt all around. As I have gotten older and been with women with adult children, they have become mine as well, and I cherish those relationships. I have always understood my place, and respected their relationships with their Mom. Syl has a 15 and 18 yr old, and we are developing relationships. Some days are good and some days are not,lol. Be real, be PRESENT, respect everyone, and understand that no matter how old they are they will call crying and YOUR needs will not matter a hooot. Best of luck!

[jelli]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

I have three children ... they are 18, 15 and 5. I'm incredibly open with my children and I don't hide my affection for my partners from them because I refuse to give them a reason to ever feel ashamed of who their mother is or who I love. It kills me when people, especially parents, cry and complain about acceptance when they themselves aren't even proud enough of who they are to share all of their lives with their kids. I understand special circumstances and I don't pretend to always be right or understand every situation ... I only know that very often it's the parents themselves who plant the seeds of shame in their own kids.

That being said, kids, especially teenagers, can sniff out a phony faster than a bloodhound!! Everyone who said don't try to buy the kids couldn't have been more dead on. Sure, the kids will enjoy whatever it is you spoil them with but they will absolutely see right through you and the best you can hope for then will be polite manipulation. My best advice is to be genuine and take the time to get to know the kids. Spend time with them and let them know that you sincerely accept them as part of the package. Respect is indeed a two way street, especially with teenagers who are quickly approaching young adulthood. Respect that these boys are their mother's first priority in the world regardless of their age and know that the way you treat their mom will directly impact your relationship with them and thus your relationship with her! Also know that if you attempt to compete with them, you will lose so don't try ... there are so many different ways to love, strive to make the love between the two of you special while accepting that the love between a mother and her children is always paramount.

The statement about the kids being like bloodhounds... If that were true than why do we have all the issues with breakups, dating, etc?

[jelli]

I am a mother of 5, yes 5. I met my partner, Cruel, 9 years ago. Cruel had no children and was pretty sure would not date someone that had children. Boy, did I *show* her....lol Cruel knew of my kids right away, but did not meet them for a couple months. We dated, we got to know one another as best we could, but I am not sure one can ever prepare themselves enough - only as best as possible.

Cruel and I had talks about parenting skill, issues we might face that possibly could cause conflict, boundaries, money, education, employment, etc.

We found situations periodically that caused conflict or caused us to examine what was behind the way we were feeling/thinking/acting. We sought out counseling at one point and it was such a turning point. This didn't have so much to do with the issues at hand, but more in the way we were communicating ourselves.

We have had to deal with a father that was constantly surfacing in a neg. light and the feelings that brought about for our kids and in turn us.

One thing we agree that we never discussed was the age of the kids when we started our relationship and how their development(in many areas) and level of maturity may also play a role in how they accept/deny a relationship or the incoming partner.

I have the utmost respect and admiration for the task my Cruel took on and the growth that has taken place over the years. We are better individuals because of each other and because of that fact we are a better couple and better parenting unit.

I am a firm believer in getting to know the person face to face and taking your time to do so. When and if the time is right then meet the kids. Get to know the kids slowly and in doing so experience how the parent is with their child(ren). Perhaps you won't like how they interact with one another. Perhaps it will bring up some issues from your own childhood/past. Prepare yourself for the fact the parent could like you, but the kids not so much.

Then what???

No matter what you two adults choose to do please remember the kids are impacted by everything. Of course they are resilient beings, but sometimes they are unnecessarily involved in situations or decisions that could've been put off until a more appropriate time or avoided altogether.

[RadiantYearning]

Originally Posted by jelli

The statement about the kids being like bloodhounds... If that were true than why do we have all the issues with breakups, dating, etc?

My apologies, I don't have any of the issues that you speak of so I will correct my statement. My children have always been able to sniff out phonies better than bloodhounds, especially my son who is my oldest. I'm sorry if my statement didn't apply to you.

[Strappie]

My ex had two children. We got a long for the most part. The one thing we (my ex and I) talked about before we decided to live together was that I was not going to be involved with discipline. I needed to establish that I was not their parent that I was there to help guide them if they came to me. Which the youngest she always came to me. I think she just needed someone to listen to. Her mom wasn't good at listening to her (it was a shame) because her daughter was exactly like her and my ex was exactly like her mother.

However the problem that my ex and I had was that my ex would not come out to the kids. However we slept in the same bed, yet we were unable to be affectionate outside the bedroom. After a year of living together I became some what of the disciplinary person because she would get so mad at me if I didn't handle things. It eventually made me resent her for it. We eventually broke up, it that was one reason we didn't make it.

As I look back... I'd do it all over again. However, the woman I end up with will be out to her kids and I will not be the disciplinary person. I think that is very important not to waltz right in and think you can be a parent. Depending on the age of the kid/s it's all a matter of how well they adapt to the two of you together. A young child is in my opinion different but a pre-teen or teenagers are off limits to discipline in a new relationship.

I would totally date a Mother, I find Mom's super sexy!

[Starbuck]

I'm dating a mom right now, her daughters are 7 and 12 and she is their disciplinarian; however, with that in mind she said I have her persmission to discipline them if they disrespect me in any way. I still do feel comfortable doing that so I leave it up to her. My way to deal with them is through love, which is a different approach than hers (authoritarian). They both come to me and love me very much and I absolutely adore both of them. There's my wish it could all work out for us. That is my wish that I never want to admit to.

[Lizzy]

Originally Posted by Strappie

My ex had two children. We got a long for the most part. The one thing we (my ex and I) talked about before we decided to live together was that I was not going to be involved with discipline. I needed to establish that I was not their parent that I was there to help guide them if they came to me. Which the youngest she always came to me. I think she just needed someone to listen to. Her mom wasn't good at listening to her (it was a shame) because her daughter was exactly like her and my ex was exactly like her mother.

However the problem that my ex and I had was that my ex would not come out to the kids. However we slept in the same bed, yet we were unable to be affectionate outside the bedroom. After a year of living together I became some what of the disciplinary person because she would get so mad at me if I didn't handle things. It eventually made me resent her for it. We eventually broke up, it that was one reason we didn't make it.


As I look back... I'd do it all over again. However, the woman I end up with will be out to her kids and I will not be the disciplinary person. I think that is very important not to waltz right in and think you can be a parent. Depending on the age of the kid/s it's all a matter of how well they adapt to the two of you together. A young child is in my opinion different but a pre-teen or teenagers are off limits to discipline in a new relationship.

I would totally date a Mother, I find Mom's super sexy!

Dating with children is very difficult.There is a fine line to walk.I always wanted my kids to respect my partner and listen to both of us but I found my kids began to get resentful when my partner would step in and try to discipline them.Then we tried to have only myself deal with behavior issues and that was not easy either but it seemed to work out much better.When one of the kids would act up my partner would tell me about whatever the situation was and then I would speak to the boys and determine the punishment.

I also agree that the age the children are depends on how easily the adjustment is.My kids were ten and four when my partner and I got together.My ten year old blamed my partner for the breakup of my marriage(this wasn't true but he believed it)so he already held a grudge so he was very sensative.My younger son was only four so he was much more open to my partner and listend a whole lot better.

[bigbutchmistie]

As a general rule I dont date women with kids at home. This is a personal preference. However I do admire those that can. I agree with some of the posts here that say if you arent gonna be around for the long haul dont come around the kids. Also, I think that if you are going to partner with someone with kids you should appear to the kids as a "united front". Whatever mom says goes whatever the other says goes. So on and so forth. And I cant stand it when I see someone with kids just bring whomever they are dating around their kids. Kids arent stupid they see through all of it.

Anyway, good luck to you... And all of you who have children and are partnered and or trying to partner with those that do.

[J. Mason]

Thank you for everyone who has responded I am glad to see positive discussion and am looking forward to more posts.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Strappie

I would totally date a Mother, I find Mom's super sexy!

I'm wondering, what is it about moms, that you find so sexy?

[spritzerJ]

This thread has so many thoughtful responses. I am learning much by reading through it. Thank you for providing honest answers and opening to share experiences.

I am the mom of a kiddo at home, just now 6 years. I took nearly 3 years off from dating when my daughter was little (between the end of a relationship and starting to date again). It was tricky to get back into dating. The last time I had she wasn't there and this meant a whole new level of planning and changed what I was looking for.

I've made mistakes when not clear about who I was a mom dating. The biggest was accepting someone's assertion that they wanted a family without leading the discussion about what that meant practically day to day with a young child. I let the cozy dreams be enough. What I did question was not responded to thoughtfully and that should have been a clue to me. My child was intentional and thoughtfully planned. I learned to extend "our" to welcome those that can honor that.

I have made wonderful friends who for whom dating didn't work for but in their respect for my daughter and I's relationship have earned them a welcome spot at our table any day. Treasured friends for sure. In the end when I keep dating private and respectful friendships shared I know my daughter sees the place of friends in our lives. She also has learned a broader understanding of girl/boy presentations. I am grateful again to friends who are themselves, answer blunt little kid questions and let me explain further.

These days I get to be be in love for myself and let the relationship between my dear ones develop in it's own time. I've learned my relationship between myself and my gy can grow at a pace different than the getting to know that happens between my daughter and my gy. I know this seems so obvious they spend much less time together than my gy and I do. Much less time talking. In the past I was thinking we all needed to develop at the same speed. Now we let each develop in time.

Time gives me a chance to watch thoughtfully and protectively for how my daughter responds. At 6 she is a child, but her words and actions are telling. I do not dismiss them as childish I look for stress and respond. Am I thrilled in her moments of trust? Of course and those aren't the only moments I attend to. I am grateful that hy understands this isn't judging hym but being a mom.

[TimilDeeps]

I have. I would, again. or not depends on how the rest of my life goes?

[jac]

Originally Posted by jenna8987

These days I get to be be in love for myself and let the relationship between my dear ones develop in it's own time. I've learned my relationship between myself and my gy can grow at a pace different than the getting to know that happens between my daughter and my gy. I know this seems so obvious they spend much less time together than my gy and I do. Much less time talking. In the past I was thinking we all needed to develop at the same speed. Now we let each develop in time.

Time gives me a chance to watch thoughtfully and protectively for how my daughter responds. At 6 she is a child, but her words and actions are telling. I do not dismiss them as childish I look for stress and respond. Am I thrilled in her moments of trust? Of course and those aren't the only moments I attend to. I am grateful that hy understands this isn't judging hym but being a mom.

Yes, different relationships grow at different paces and with different significance. It doesn't mean the love and acceptance aren't just as deep seated in the heart. Some things can't be rushed and it isn't always up to the adult to determine the pace. Children are much wiser than given credit for. The young ones have a natural instict to determine who is safe and who isn't... allow them to make this realization in a healthy manner and in their time, in their understanding and with loving adult guidence.

I look forward to growing with both of these relationships at their own pace and in thier own way. I love to watch a mother and child bond (I have three of my own). None of them are the same... like snowflakes, all are different, unique and precious in their own way. I also enjoy creating a seperate bond with her child, one that all three of us can appreciate and feel safe in. Bring on the moments yet to come and let's cherish those we have already created...

[grenade]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I'm wondering, what is it about moms, that you find so sexy?

I will answer this from my own perspective. I never felt sexier in my life than I did with an 9 month baby belly in stretch lace. There was something to pregnancy that unleashed the woman in me and left me no longer a girl. Something changed inside. I am more confident now, stretch marks and saggy bits, than I ever was when my body was "perfect' to mainstream society.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by grenade

I will answer this from my own perspective. I never felt sexier in my life than I did with an 9 month baby belly in stretch lace. There was something to pregnancy that unleashed the woman in me and left me no longer a girl. Something changed inside. I am more confident now, stretch marks and saggy bits, than I ever was when my body was "perfect' to mainstream society.

That's so beautiful! I wonder what moment made me realize I'm "no longer a girl," as you felt, pregnant and in stretch lace. I think there have been more than a few! You've got me daydreaming about it...