Dating women with children, any thoughts?

[J. Mason]

Originally Posted by LaneyDoll

Seems to me that the problem here is with the father, not the kids. Your s/o needs to address this issue-both with the father & the children. She may not be able to change the father's attitude but maybe she can use it in a lesson to the kids of "how people sometimes are hurt or angry and they say mean, untrue things about other people." The main thing is to not sink to that level & say mean things in return. Kids are not pawns.

Yes the father was the issue and I don't recall my ex ever saying anything, just shrugging it off. I was taught not to say anything negative back and never did, ya know kept my feelings to myself most of the time or expressed them to my parents (who never said a word thank god) and I agree children of any age are not pawns.

[The_Lady_Snow]

It doesn't help when parents talk about other parents about potential mates.. Kids need to not hear that shit period... I wish you all luck..

[J. Mason]

Ain't that the truth and TY!

[Ebon]

Originally Posted by puregrrl

I can tell you from personal experience of being the child of a single mother who dated a lot and men were introduced quickly and often it was VERY confusing and hurt a lot when the relationship didn't go anywhere. Children are very resilient but at the same time, it is not fair to bring people into their lives that may not be there for the long haul. Kids don't understand the complexities.

Yeah I grew up in this situation as well. My mom put the guys before me and my sister so I ended up taking care of my sister.

My ex used her daughter, who I became very close with, to try to hurt me. Unfortunately it worked. I wish I could have watched her grow up but I wasn't ready for what mom was ready for, I was a kid myself and I never got to see her again after we split. So I hope that doesn't happen to you or anyone else for that matter.

[RadiantYearning]

Originally Posted by jelli

The statement about the kids being like bloodhounds... If that were true than why do we have all the issues with breakups, dating, etc?

My apologies, I don't have any of the issues that you speak of so I will correct my statement. My children have always been able to sniff out phonies better than bloodhounds, especially my son who is my oldest. I'm sorry if my statement didn't apply to you.

[Strappie]

My ex had two children. We got a long for the most part. The one thing we (my ex and I) talked about before we decided to live together was that I was not going to be involved with discipline. I needed to establish that I was not their parent that I was there to help guide them if they came to me. Which the youngest she always came to me. I think she just needed someone to listen to. Her mom wasn't good at listening to her (it was a shame) because her daughter was exactly like her and my ex was exactly like her mother.

However the problem that my ex and I had was that my ex would not come out to the kids. However we slept in the same bed, yet we were unable to be affectionate outside the bedroom. After a year of living together I became some what of the disciplinary person because she would get so mad at me if I didn't handle things. It eventually made me resent her for it. We eventually broke up, it that was one reason we didn't make it.

As I look back... I'd do it all over again. However, the woman I end up with will be out to her kids and I will not be the disciplinary person. I think that is very important not to waltz right in and think you can be a parent. Depending on the age of the kid/s it's all a matter of how well they adapt to the two of you together. A young child is in my opinion different but a pre-teen or teenagers are off limits to discipline in a new relationship.

I would totally date a Mother, I find Mom's super sexy!

[Starbuck]

I'm dating a mom right now, her daughters are 7 and 12 and she is their disciplinarian; however, with that in mind she said I have her persmission to discipline them if they disrespect me in any way. I still do feel comfortable doing that so I leave it up to her. My way to deal with them is through love, which is a different approach than hers (authoritarian). They both come to me and love me very much and I absolutely adore both of them. There's my wish it could all work out for us. That is my wish that I never want to admit to.

[Lizzy]

Originally Posted by Strappie

My ex had two children. We got a long for the most part. The one thing we (my ex and I) talked about before we decided to live together was that I was not going to be involved with discipline. I needed to establish that I was not their parent that I was there to help guide them if they came to me. Which the youngest she always came to me. I think she just needed someone to listen to. Her mom wasn't good at listening to her (it was a shame) because her daughter was exactly like her and my ex was exactly like her mother.

However the problem that my ex and I had was that my ex would not come out to the kids. However we slept in the same bed, yet we were unable to be affectionate outside the bedroom. After a year of living together I became some what of the disciplinary person because she would get so mad at me if I didn't handle things. It eventually made me resent her for it. We eventually broke up, it that was one reason we didn't make it.


As I look back... I'd do it all over again. However, the woman I end up with will be out to her kids and I will not be the disciplinary person. I think that is very important not to waltz right in and think you can be a parent. Depending on the age of the kid/s it's all a matter of how well they adapt to the two of you together. A young child is in my opinion different but a pre-teen or teenagers are off limits to discipline in a new relationship.

I would totally date a Mother, I find Mom's super sexy!

Dating with children is very difficult.There is a fine line to walk.I always wanted my kids to respect my partner and listen to both of us but I found my kids began to get resentful when my partner would step in and try to discipline them.Then we tried to have only myself deal with behavior issues and that was not easy either but it seemed to work out much better.When one of the kids would act up my partner would tell me about whatever the situation was and then I would speak to the boys and determine the punishment.

I also agree that the age the children are depends on how easily the adjustment is.My kids were ten and four when my partner and I got together.My ten year old blamed my partner for the breakup of my marriage(this wasn't true but he believed it)so he already held a grudge so he was very sensative.My younger son was only four so he was much more open to my partner and listend a whole lot better.

[bigbutchmistie]

As a general rule I dont date women with kids at home. This is a personal preference. However I do admire those that can. I agree with some of the posts here that say if you arent gonna be around for the long haul dont come around the kids. Also, I think that if you are going to partner with someone with kids you should appear to the kids as a "united front". Whatever mom says goes whatever the other says goes. So on and so forth. And I cant stand it when I see someone with kids just bring whomever they are dating around their kids. Kids arent stupid they see through all of it.

Anyway, good luck to you... And all of you who have children and are partnered and or trying to partner with those that do.

[J. Mason]

Thank you for everyone who has responded I am glad to see positive discussion and am looking forward to more posts.

[Ginger]

I'm the live-in girlfriend of a single mom, and here's what I've learned. Every situation is different but here's what works in mine:

1) Avoid ever taking a parental or disciplinary role. If safety is involved, of course, step up to the plate, and quickly. Otherwise, wait and report the behavior to the mom--but only if you think she'd want to hear it! And save your silver bullets. Don't go running to her all the time with troubling shit the kid did.

What I found works best in my situation is, that even if it's something little, like setting the table, I now ask the mom to ask the kid. I made the mistake in the beginning, of assuming I would be some kind of co-parent, or step-mom, and that caused all kinds of problems. So, I took it way, way down. Result? Peace. The kid is nicer to me, and the mom isn't bent out of shape at what she sees as my interference in her parenting.


2) Never fight in front of the kid. Did your parents fight in front of you? Mine did, all the time--and it felt awful. I don't want to put another kid in that situation. Besides, even if your partner is being an asshole, if the kid sees you fight, you're the bad guy, and that feels ever worse than the fight.


3) Accept, and don't take it personally, that you will never come first with your partner. Well, maybe on a very rare basis, you'll feel like you're the priority, but if you need a lot of that, you're in for a lot of disappointment. The kid comes first, and if you can't handle that, find a partner without a kid and stop torturing her with your whining--she will only resent you for it.


4) Hold on to your sense of self; don't abandon your own hobbies and beloved "grownup" activities; don't lose touch with your friends and things that aren't "kid friendly." Gradually, in an organic way, you might gel as a "family" with your partner and her kid/s, but then again, she might not have that as a goal (mine doesn't; she tried to tell me as much, but I didn't hear it at first). Besides being clear about expectations before you move in, be flexible, and once you do move in, go with the flow. It's not a predictable process and meanwhile, it's incredibly important to make sure you have your own life, that your own identify is intact and not dependent on fitting into some fantasy you thought would happen and isn't going to.


5) I guess last of all I want to reiterate something from that last point--be clear about your expectations, before you move in.

These aren't things I learned easily, and they aren't appropriate for everyone, so please don't take offense if they aren't right for you. Honestly if they spare one person the heartache I experienced, living under some very misguided expectations, it's worth the trouble posting it.

Good luck.

IslandScout

[mariamma]

Interesting thread. I have 3 kids who are awesome! My ex seems to be more drawn to the kids than he ever was to me. Yes, they are that awesome. When I mention to women that I have young kids, they recoil a bit. After they meet them, they relax and enjoy their silly, charming nature. My kids are very much like me. I am kid at heart. But I usually am in adult mode when I am with them since they need guidance and focus.
I've had to distance myself from women who want kids and try to grasp for my kids. It just doesn't seem healthy to over emote around kids that you are meeting for the first time. It's great to like kids and want a GF who has them. But...
Every mother is different. But my kids come first, always. Period. They are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep (well, one of the last things). They spend 1/2 the week with their father so I have alone time and get to recharge my batteries. I'm single and have time to date (however, there are no local women I would like to date). I suspect that women believe 3 kids would take all my time and leave them out in the cold. Even though my kids come first, this isn't true. I've always wanted sex more than my lovers did and being present in a relationship has never been my issue.
Being a mother has opened my heart, life and spirit in unimagined ways. My patience, listening skills, compassion, nurturing, intuitive skills, etc. all have heightened and made me a better partner. Of course it isn't easy. The feminine brain sure comes in handy (E increases multi-tasking, assessment, reading body language and other skills) and it kick into overdrive when the kids are with me. Being a mother has made me even more womanly (femme).
Now if I could only find a hot butch...

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by mariamma

Being a mother has opened my heart, life and spirit in unimagined ways. My patience, listening skills, compassion, nurturing, intuitive skills, etc. all have heightened and made me a better partner. Of course it isn't easy. The feminine brain sure comes in handy (E increases multi-tasking, assessment, reading body language and other skills) and it kick into overdrive when the kids are with me. Being a mother has made me even more womanly (femme).
Now if I could only find a hot butch...

Mariamma, I don't think having kids will slow down your dating prospects; not in the least. In fact, I think butch women are somewhat mesmerized by women with children; you seem savvy to the suspect as well as genuine kinds of interest that being a mother can elicit in a single butch. I wish you all the best, moving forward. IslandScout

[Toughy]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

Mariamma, I don't think having kids will slow down your dating prospects; not in the least. In fact, I think butch women are somewhat mesmerized by women with children; you seem savvy to the suspect as well as genuine kinds of interest that being a mother can elicit in a single butch. I wish you all the best, moving forward. IslandScout

Could you explain what you mean by the part I bolded? I will withhold comment until I understand what you mean.

[DeviantDaddy]

Originally Posted by J. Mason

Anyone else out there that date women with children, teens or adult kids? Do their children accept you or have there been any problems? I ask due to finding myself possibly wanting to be with a woman who has kids, I am just asking for stories or experiences from others as opinions.

Why yes, I am dating a woman with amazing children. When I spent my first weekend with my kitten, I was a bit worried about her boys' acceptance and understanding of me. Prior to meeting me, kitten's dating history had been with cis-men. In addition to that, she hadn't brought home a man in years because her children are her most prized, cherished and protected loves in her life. So it was a very big moment for us both. We had spoken on the phone so there was some connection and interaction between us.

She arranged for the boys to spend the first night with family so that she and I may have some privacy. However, the next day we were up early and headed out to pick them up. I remember us pulling up and seeing them playing in the yard just rough housing like boys do. We stepped out of the car and as I shut my door they turned to see us. And they both came running towards me and greeted me by calling my name out and giving me huge hugs... as in running towards me and both boys jumping on me... chuckles.

It was an absolutely amazing feeling, I could not help but glance over at my kitten and smile. Which only warmed my heart further by seeing the bright smile on her face.

The boys have accepted me fully, which is amazing given the fact that they were eleven and nine years old when I came into their lives. They address me as he and "the man of the house" when I am there. The connection we have is rather wonderful and truly a gift. I have always been family oriented, I have a very good relationship with my family. Of course, this has resulted in my desire to have a family of my own, and my kitten's open invitation into her life along with the boys' open hearts has truly made me feel as though I was welcomed home. The boys are now thirteen and twelve and the connection has not wavered. As a matter of fact, the relationship with the oldest has grown stronger. I have a different relationship with each one due to their very different personalities yet I love them unconditionally. Last time I was there, kitten was preparing dinner and noticed none of us where to be found. Only to find the three of us in their bedroom playing video games... chuckles.

It is amazing to come into a family and be welcomed. However there are certain struggles and obstacles that you must consider when doing so. As Lady Snow mentioned on the first page - first and foremost you need to be certain that you like children and want them in your life. Otherwise, don't bother. Ultimately you are not only going to hurt the lady but the children as well. The second thing I feel is incredibly important is sharing the same philosophies in life and the same ideas when it comes to raising children. Otherwise, there will be times when you may ultimately feel like an outsider when you believe the children should be disciplined (or not) and their mother feels differently. Ultimately, they are her children, and that is a line I would never overstep.

And another big thing to always keep in mind is the fact that you will not come before the children, nor should you even try to. In my opinion anyway. Were I to meet a woman who put me before her children I would lose interest immediately.

Such has been my experience and my thoughts on the matter.

[Heavenleahangel]

I'd like to add my 2 cents if I may here. I totally agree with you, DD, about your post and what Lady Snow posted about her experience. Children are a blessing and can add a wealth of happiness and love to any family and I would like to show my side of the coin as being a parent.
Five years ago I was given the opportunity to adopt a newborn son, which I jumped at the chance without hesitation. As the months of the pregnancy progressed, I thought long and hard about the repercussions of having a newborn, how my life would change and what it would mean to parent all over again. (At the time, my bio daughters were 19 and almost 18!) Some of my friends warned me that I would remain single, but I never doubted my decision, thus Jacob was *mine.*
As he grew-and I talk about this like he is grown already when he isn't even 5 until June-and I started realizing I am raising him alone, I got scared, hell I was terrified, but nothing in this world could have been a better reassurance than hearing "mama" or "I wub boo" from my little man.
I never thought I would be raising him alone. I always thought I would meet someone and WE would be raising Jacob as a FAMILY, but so far, that hasn't happened. I truly believed I would marry and my partner would co-adopt. To some of the few I have contemplated a relationship with, the newness of a son and a family soon faded and the day to day life of having a child underfoot, finding a sitter to go anywhere that doesn't require an entourage of diaper bags, toys and kid-friendly food, and not being able to be spontaneous was a major down fall. And I also encountered the ones who were jealous of him and his dependance on me. I have been told by 2 people that they *love* me and want a life with *me* but they couldn't incorporate Jacob into the equation! (I'm a lady and won't tell you what I told them!)
All this being said, I am grateful everyday I have been given the gift of this precious little boy! He is a beautiful blue-eyed-blond~like ME~ and folks can't believe I didn't birth him. He is such a funny little charmer and brings immense happiness and laughter when he cracks that perfect little smile and the dimple on his chin bows out. I may not be able to teach him the things only a "Daddi" can teach him, but he is loved and so am I. If it so happens that I meet someone who can and will love the both of us and honor us by becoming a family with us, then we will be even more blessed. If not, then we will be loved by our chosen family and I'll build the best life for him that I possibly can.
Yes, it is hard sometimes. I won't lie and say it isn't a struggle and I have wondered if someone else could have provided him a better life. But at the end of the day, when I can tucking him into bed and he takes 10 minutes to tell me he loves me and give me my nite-nite kisses, I know there is NO WAY anyone else could love this boy better and *I* am the one blessed even on the days I don't feel worthy of such love!

[DaddysKitten]

Thank you, Daddy. (DeviantDaddy)

Everything he said is so very true. But I'd like to point out a few details that the 'story' can't possibly include given to the nature of the way my children were raised.

For one, my children were raised with a lesbian grandmother, in a 12 year marriage with her wife. So this is something fairly 'normal' for my children to be around, in a long term manner.

For two, despite the way I was raised by my mother, and what myself and my children have learned to accept given that situation, I have taken a very constant and active role, even before I entered into this relationship, with raising my children to accept people for who they are inside, and not outside.

Even having never been around transgenders before, I had raised my children with such morals and understanding, that they did, accept my lover with open arms, and even with full understanding of who he is, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Even to this day, to them he is 'he'. My oldest son, is always full of so much piss and vinegar, actually passes off the 'man of the house' title to Daddy. Even knowing that physically he is female. He accepts Daddy for who he is.

But the point I am getting to, is I don't want everyone to think this is the norm. Look at how children treat adults, other children, who are a bit overweight, or not as pretty, or not available to have the best clothes? This is a very rare mentality for children to possess. I am so very grateful I was able to instill it into my own.

You need to speak to her at length. How do her children feel? Do they even know or will this be a surprise? How accepting are they when they see gays or lesbians out in public? How accepting are they of other children?

A child who would point and laugh at another child, their peer, without any 'queer'ness about them, is not a child with enough understanding to handle this sort of situation, in my honest opinion.

So these things need to be addressed, for your, hers, and their well-being. And if they do come up with negative indicators, that still is not the end all be all. Hopefully she can teach them to be accepting, and it will be something they carry with them for the rest of their lives.

I wish you the very very best.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by IslandScout
Mariamma, I don't think having kids will slow down your dating prospects; not in the least. In fact, I think butch women are somewhat mesmerized by women with children; you seem savvy to the suspect as well as genuine kinds of interest that being a mother can elicit in a single butch. I wish you all the best, moving forward. IslandScout


Could you explain what you mean by the part I bolded? I will withhold comment until I understand what you mean. (Mariamma)

First, forgive me if I've spelled your name wrong; I keep going back and forth and losing the copied part to paste but now that it's there I want to keep going and not risk losing it again so I'm writing your name from memory.

I just meant, it's cute how butches idealize "mommies" but then the real "mom" is a person they get to know over time and while they might still idealize her, it's for reasons that are unique to her and their feelings are more "genuine."

I don't know why I got into that one, I don't know what the "f" I'm talking about, I do live with a mom but our dynamic is totally unrelated to what I'm alluding to.

I will now cede the floor to those who DO know what they're talking about...

Thanks,
IslandScout

[Toughy]

It was me that asked for clarification. I'm in disagreement with your assessment of butches and women who have children. What you describe has certainly never been my experience for a number of reasons.

I am not now, nor have I ever been mesmerized by mothers and motherhood. I also have never idealized motherhood. I have a very clear picture about motherhood and I made a conscious choice to not give birth.

I also don't believe any of my butch friends have had those feelings, particularly the ones who are mothers. I know plenty of butch folk who are mothers. As a matter of fact, a butch in my chosen family just gave birth in the last month.

Both the original post and your clarification just seem to trivialize how a butch may or may not interact with a potential dating partner who has children and suggests that children can be used to attract some poor unsuspecting butch who will be dazzled first by the kids and at some later point will get to know the mother and have 'genuine' feelings (all my feelings are genuine). It also reduces the mother in question to be a mother and trivializes the totality of who she is as a human being.

As to dating a femme with children. I have dated and lived with women with children (both kids and adult children). At my age I am not interested in raising a family. Grandkids however are an entirely different thing......you bet grandkids....spoil them and then send them home to mommy.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Toughy

It was me that asked for clarification. I'm in disagreement with your assessment of butches and women who have children. What you describe has certainly never been my experience for a number of reasons.

I am not now, nor have I ever been mesmerized by mothers and motherhood. I also have never idealized motherhood. I have a very clear picture about motherhood and I made a conscious choice to not give birth.

I also don't believe any of my butch friends have had those feelings, particularly the ones who are mothers. I know plenty of butch folk who are mothers. As a matter of fact, a butch in my chosen family just gave birth in the last month.

Both the original post and your clarification just seem to trivialize how a butch may or may not interact with a potential dating partner who has children and suggests that children can be used to attract some poor unsuspecting butch who will be dazzled first by the kids and at some later point will get to know the mother and have 'genuine' feelings (all my feelings are genuine). It also reduces the mother in question to be a mother and trivializes the totality of who she is as a human being.

As to dating a femme with children. I have dated and lived with women with children (both kids and adult children). At my age I am not interested in raising a family. Grandkids however are an entirely different thing......you bet grandkids....spoil them and then send them home to mommy.

Well, I've definitely seen mommie-infatuation, heard it expressed in words, but obviously that does not reflect your experience and I so sincerely apologize if I generalized on too narrow a base of evidence and didn't take into account other possible views. That wasn't well advised and I'll be more conscious in future of what I'm saying.

Thanks for sharing your point of view. When I was a femme, and single, I would have liked to have met you!