Eating Disorders ~

[Gemme]

Good point. For a while, I did obsess about weigh ins. I was also trying to learn better how certain foods/meals/etc affected my weight, though, so I'd weigh myself before and after working out to see how much I'd sweated out and after each meal and I can honestly say that I did learn some valuable things. But you are right...it is very easy to become obsessed with the numbers on the scale.

[Miss Scarlett]

When i was in my 20's i found myself fighting my way back from bulimarexia...an ugly cycle of binging, purging, restricting, obsessing, smoking like a chimney, living on chewing gum - sugarless of course and black coffee, exercising constantly well into the night, sometimes all night...

At the height of this i wouldn't eat in front of anyone; was addicted to laxatives (Correctol being my fav since it was pink) taking as many as the entire card of 15 tablets any time i put food in my mouth so food would pass very quickly; was also so addicted to ipecac that my fav pharmacies finally refused to sell it to me but i found it at a grocery store and bought every bottle they had as often as possible...

i wore designer clothes and looked wonderful (according to my Mom)...but i couldn't sit in a hard chair because my tailbone was poking out and it hurt, my hair thinned, my nails became brittle - they have never really recovered and 25 years later are still thin and misshapen, the enamel on my teeth was destroyed, sleep had become a foreign concept...i was so controlled by this i could go for 2 weeks or more without food and for a while wouldn't even swallow my own saliva...

Then Karen Carpenter died...

That got my attention because until then i didn't realize this could kill you and we shared a fondness for ipecac. i was scared and sought help and stayed in therapy until the behaviours stopped but never dealt with the underlying causes until going back into counseling last year.

i've had to accept that this will never leave me...

i've had to learn to love me just the way i am...

i've had to learn to accept that i will always be wary of every bite of food that goes into my mouth...

And i've had to learn that when my whole world seems to be spinning out of control i will always find myself wanting to fall back into some of those comfortable, familiar patterns, that there will be times when i will slip back into them...and when that happens i need to forgive and nurture myself...

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

At the height of this i wouldn't eat in front of anyone; was addicted to laxatives (Correctol being my fav since it was pink) taking as many as the entire card of 15 tablets any time i put food in my mouth so food would pass very quickly; was also so addicted to ipecac that my fav pharmacies finally refused to sell it to me but i found it at a grocery store and bought every bottle they had as often as possible...

i wore designer clothes and looked wonderful (according to my Mom)...but i couldn't sit in a hard chair because my tailbone was poking out and it hurt

I was the same way about people seeing me eat- and i still have moments when i am eating and someone walks in on my and i feel like i can't finish until they leave again

I was afraid of laxative addiction b/c i had heard you could end up with a colostomy bag forever- i decided i was going to outsmart that and just have multiple daily enemas- haha guess what- long term effects the same

i got so bony that it hurt to lay on the bed and i couldn't go through doors with my hands full because opening it with my hip was too painful

the scary part is that i still think i looked great and have moments where i really resent my recovery

then i remind myself of how lonely it was- i couldn't go anywhere or do anything because there are calories in every social, family, and professional event

and there is still a little voice that whispers "there must be a way to get back to a 16 BMI and still have a life"

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I was the same way about people seeing me eat- and i still have moments when i am eating and someone walks in on my and i feel like i can't finish until they leave again

I was afraid of laxative addiction b/c i had heard you could end up with a colostomy bag forever- i decided i was going to outsmart that and just have multiple daily enemas- haha guess what- long term effects the same

i got so bony that it hurt to lay on the bed and i couldn't go through doors with my hands full because opening it with my hip was too painful

the scary part is that i still think i looked great and have moments where i really resent my recovery

then i remind myself of how lonely it was- i couldn't go anywhere or do anything because there are calories in every social, family, and professional event

and there is still a little voice that whispers "there must be a way to get back to a 16 BMI and still have a life"

Yes, we'll always have those moments...most of the time i can ignore it but when under stress or very upset...

The hardest thing for me to accept when i began my journey back was that this will be with me forever.

Breaking my use of laxatives was extremely painful. i was fortunate that the father of a good friend was a doctor and was willing to "assist" me when things became "difficult."

Fortunately i didn't have any lasting consequences from the laxatives. The ipecac addiction was of great concern for many years and i still get my heart checked annually because of the occasional funky rhythm i inherited from my grandmother. But there doesn't seem to be anything of concern there either.

Do remember how comforting that self-imposed exile felt? Whenever it crosses my mind i have to stop and ask myself "what was i thinking?"

[nycfem]

Are there any books people find helpful? I just love the book "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

Do remember how comforting that self-imposed exile felt? Whenever it crosses my mind i have to stop and ask myself "what was i thinking?"

it was very safe....infinitely predictable. now i feel like life is really chaotic and i go back and forth on whether that's a good thing

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Are there any books people find helpful? I just love the book "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher.

Portia DiRossi's book was the very best- the most honest about the aftermath of making the decision to recover. Other books either end just after the decision, or gloss over the things you desperately want to know, like "exactly how much will i gain?" Portia told all.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

it was very safe....infinitely predictable. now i feel like life is really chaotic and i go back and forth on whether that's a good thing

(((((dark_crystal))))) Going back and forth is pretty "normal" in any recovery...i do the same thing about smoking. At the moment i am pondering whether or not to start back up which is nothing new for me. It has happened several times a year since i quit back in 1988.

i don't know where you are with this or how long you've been on your recovery journey. mine began 25 years ago and over those years i had to learn to accept this is a day by day thing, at times it will be moment by moment and sometimes even bite by bite.

i confess that at the moment there are 2 bottles of recently purchased ipecac on the counter in my kitchen...also nothing new for me. From time to time (when stressed, struggling or going through some sort of dark times) i pick up a bottle or so. They will sit there until i feel that i no longer need them and then i will throw them away - unopened (well, unopened is the goal).

We are by no means weak, oh no no no! We need to learn to rechannel the tremendous strength and self control/regulation that enable us to maintain those destructive behaviours. It doesn't happen overnight and takes a lot of work but it is possible.

[Miss Scarlett]

While packing up things for my upcoming move i came across my old food journals. The ones i kept before i started recovery were interesting and very different from subsequent journals.

In minute detail i kept accounts of date, time, food - amount & calories, weight before eating, weight after eating, whether or not i "kept it", method of purging, exercise following the purge and weight following the purge. What i found really interesting were some of the derogatory comments i made about myself...fat, weak, ugly, worthless, etc.

Recovery journals are also a detailed account of food thoughts and behaviours but record different information. Every time i had a food thought i was to record the date & time, food under consideration, what was going on when i had the food thought, whether or not i ate it and how i felt afterwards.

My current counselor has me keeping a different journal that i call "How am i feeling and why?" That's pretty self explanatory. There are times i don't want to journal but it almost always makes me feel better when i do. i don't keep those either because i don't want to see that stuff again. Instead i give them to my counselor.

i still overthink things and struggle with perfectionism. Getting it out of my head and onto paper does help.

[sylvie]

i soo appreciate your thoughts on the journalling, it's a great idea.
i think i could really learn from that.. right now, i do journal each day, it's a must of me - but not quite that detailed.. i could use looking back on all of those details, learning, accepting, forgiving, my feelings & the changes within me, as i grow with this each day...

i am leaning towards purchasing a weight scale, it's something i've not done because i really do obsess my weight.. but wondering is it healthy to obsess it some? i noticed You said you recorded weight before and after eating & i can see how looking back on the things you recorded would help in the longrun.. including the derogatory comments - in looking back.. being completely honest about your feelings, good or bad ...

i think this is really something i could benefit from doing Miss Scarlett, thank you for sharing! i'm eager to hear advice of any kind, it's all helpful to me, because i sought help not long ago and everything is so raw and new to me in dealing with these emotions and the anger and the up & down moods..

i keep telling myself i am proud of myself for doing this hard work.. And though most people in my life do not and will not understand, what's important is that i recognize the dangers in what i was doing, and i did what i thought i would never do, ask for help.. so much to celebrate for that alone, it's one of the few things that drives me to keep at this, even after i fall.. That and the love & support of a few amazing people in my life... ♥ as well as the sharing from all of you!

Thank you, so so much! (i know i keep saying thank you, but i just cant explain how grateful i am, for the sharing as well as the reps and messages, encouragement, & understanding..

PS - Today was an easier day for me - but i was free of temptation and avoided certain things.. my father, however called me today and upset me a great deal, he's a negative force in my life, very often.. That upset caused me to get very emotional and the stinkin' thinkin' began.. But i was able to deal with that upset in a healthier way through meditation (which has become a great source of comfort for me) i did a self love meditation, which put me in a stronger, healthier frame of mind..

Not the way i would deal with emotions and stress in the past of course, but i wasn't riddled with anger over NOT turning towards food - and so for today, that felt good..The difficult thoughts were there though, wanting to binge and wanting to seek out food and put myself in unhealthy situations that would torment me, a form of self abuse i have..

not acting on those thoughts, is worth celebrating for me today!

[sylvie]

i also wanted to mention, i feel very lost without counselling these days.. (and never thought i would EVER say such a thing in my life..) i've always been such a skeptic about counselling through life due to bad experiences, but once i admitted i needed help, i went through the EAP program at my work and got 4 sessions of counselling, which helped me tremendously..

i will be starting a new therapy, once i complete the craving changes course (which i am unsure of dates) but..i recognize today that counselling is so beneficial and necessary for my recovery.. Since my sessions ended, i feel more out of control, and all over the place with my emotions...

maybe this is something i need to research and even pay for, if necessary...
right now i feel like i am helping myself, which can be rewarding when it works - but blows up in my face a lot when i lose sight of myself..

i need more help than OA meetings - it's my only tool right now, besides journalling.
Your post about Your counsellor made me feel envious some Miss Scarlett, and it was an eye opener, that i miss this and that i'm not getting the decent help i need, i'm taking too much on myself and then beat myself up for not following through..

[Nat]

I'm a compulsive overeater and I've been attending OA since March. There was also a time when purging became part of my cycle. It was when a diet began falling apart, and every time I went over-calorie, I'd just try to find an isolated bathroom and get rid of it. It was hugely satisfying and a bit addictive in itself. However, I was able to quit doing that part after a while. It wasn't a life-long habit - but it was a strangely addictive one. It was awesome to just kinda hit the undo button on what I'd eaten, and it left me feeling very physically at peace and in control. It was a pretty hard habit for me to hide though, and I think the main reason it didn't become a more permanent habit.

I listen to a lot of 12 step podcasts - most geared more toward alcohol and drug recovery. But food is a drug for me - it numbs me, it comforts me, it entertains me. I think so much of my life has revolved around thoughts about what and when I will get to eat next. Abstinence is hard, but over time I've had more "days of grace" - this is what I call the days that are relatively easy to get through without overeating. The OA groups in my area don't seem to have the same solidity to them as the AA groups - at least the members who have also spent a long time in AA seem to have a better grasp of the full experience of 12 step. It seems many alcoholics find themselves addicted to sugar/simple carbs once alcohol has been cut out. At least I run into a relatively large number who successfully got sober, but turned to food.

I know there are a lot of different kinds of abstinence, but I use an app on my iphone called "lose it." It allows me to record anything I eat. It has programs for maintenance and also for losing weight. Really, my main goal is to heal my insides. I have spent much of my life learning to embrace my weight. One of the sayings I've heard is "Come for the vanity, stay for the sanity." I'm one of very few who came for the sanity. The steps are intimidating for me, but I'm hoping I can find a workable way through them.

The first part of gaining sanity for me is keeping a record of what I eat - and the lose-it program allows me to do that relatively easily. I have not been honest with myself about how much I eat - often I'm totally unconscious of it and I tend to rationalize the times I eat enough for 3-4 people. So putting my info in the program before I can take a bite has really been helpful. I'm not so concerned about whether I go over the limit every once in a while. Right now my abstinence consists mostly of writing down everything I eat.

I have a sponsor, but she's not available a lot, and I'm beginning to think I need to switch. I would like to have a stronger support system and feel that I need one. However, I'm thankful to have the one I've got. It's been hard being what I believe to be the only non-Christian in the room at those meetings, but I do try to do some sort of prayer in the morning. Sometimes it's to the Universe, sometimes to the Tao, sometimes to specific deities, sometimes to Nature. Whatever/Whomever I pray to, I try to imagine it's benevolent. I haven't really found a sweet spot that works for me on the days when I'm feeling cynical, but whatever I'm doing, it seems to be working. More and more days where food isn't the thought of most of my moments. I want to heal as much as I can, and the more I am part of a community focused on healing compulsive food behaviors, the more helpful it is to me Our world gives us such strong mixed messages about food and physical aesthetics regarding weight. It's nice to go to a meeting or listen to OA podcasts as well as other recovery podcasts.

There was a woman recently at a meeting who was talking about how she'd had an argument with her significant other - and she left the house for the night. Before she left, she packed up her food because she knew it would be dangerous for her if she did not. She said she liked coming to the group because people in the rest of the world would never get what a triumph it was for her to take the time to make sure she had her healthy food to eat before leaving, but that when she comes to OA, there are people there "from her planet." I think that's part of it for me too. I know lots of other compulsive overeaters, but few are attempting to recover. It feels good to have community with others who share some of my weird behaviors about food - like eating before I go to dinner, eating in secret, hiding how much I eat, etc. And lying to myself even about how much I eat. It feels good to feel balanced about food. Sometimes I look into the future and think about foods I may never get to eat again, but I just try to remind myself that I'm not eating those foods today. Looking into the future and saying "never again" upsets me. So I just do that one day at a time thing. And sometimes that's just one moment at a time. I try to ask myself more and more, "what's the next right action?" when i'm tempted to do things that would sabotage me. If a day is too much to face, I just try to focus on the next right action.

Anyway, that's my ramble for the night. Thanks for starting this thread!

[DressyFemme]

I was going to start a thread on mindful intuitive eating but then found this thread. *sits down comfortably*. I grew up the codependent daughter of a binge eating disorder narcissistic stepfather and a codependent mother with type 1 diabetes. She tried to manage his food ALL the time, and I swore I'd never be like that. At age 27 I was in a verbally abusive relationship with a soft butch incest survivor not in recovery and I kind of learned how to binge. I went up to 165 from 133 and spent the next 14 years failing at abstinence in OA, which really did a number on my self esteem. I was also getting sober in SLAA. By the end I was 316, unemployed, depressed, Adult ADHD, my mother had died of diabetes at age 59, and didn't know what to do. I saw Shadows of Hope on TV and researched rehabs across the country, and entered Timberline Knolls in Chicago in May 2011 when I came into an inheritance. Wow within 24 hours everything I knew about recovery was turned on its head. I learned about mindful intuitive eating and began my new journey. It (along with DBT) changed my life. I no longer diet and eat in moderation. I wish I could say I stayed on course but didn't because I had to end a four year friendship and relapsed. I got back on track in summer 2014 at a local outpatient and have stayed on course. I'm now 250 and my a1c is down to 5.8 from 12. I don't focus on numbers anymore and health is my goal. But most of my friends are either dieters or are having WLS. I respect their right to choose their own path but keep watching the results... I also live with my partner of 17 years who has BED, diabetes, and is permanently disabled from same. It's very hard to see her deteriorate but I love her for everything... she's my butch and my husband. I'm so so glad Sylvie started this topic as I need support and to be around others who "get it". Thanks for listening.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by DressyFemme

I was going to start a thread on mindful intuitive eating but then found this thread. *sits down comfortably*. I grew up the codependent daughter of a binge eating disorder narcissistic stepfather and a codependent mother with type 1 diabetes. She tried to manage his food ALL the time, and I swore I'd never be like that. At age 27 I was in a verbally abusive relationship with a soft butch incest survivor not in recovery and I kind of learned how to binge. I went up to 165 from 133 and spent the next 14 years failing at abstinence in OA, which really did a number on my self esteem. I was also getting sober in SLAA. By the end I was 316, unemployed, depressed, Adult ADHD, my mother had died of diabetes at age 59, and didn't know what to do. I saw Shadows of Hope on TV and researched rehabs across the country, and entered Timberline Knolls in Chicago in May 2011 when I came into an inheritance. Wow within 24 hours everything I knew about recovery was turned on its head. I learned about mindful intuitive eating and began my new journey. It (along with DBT) changed my life. I no longer diet and eat in moderation. I wish I could say I stayed on course but didn't because I had to end a four year friendship and relapsed. I got back on track in summer 2014 at a local outpatient and have stayed on course. I'm now 250 and my a1c is down to 5.8 from 12. I don't focus on numbers anymore and health is my goal. But most of my friends are either dieters or are having WLS. I respect their right to choose their own path but keep watching the results... I also live with my partner of 17 years who has BED, diabetes, and is permanently disabled from same. It's very hard to see her deteriorate but I love her for everything... she's my butch and my husband. I'm so so glad Sylvie started this topic as I need support and to be around others who "get it". Thanks for listening.

I am glad you found this thread!

I thought the hardest part about recovery was making the decision to seek treatment, but i was wrong! That decision was challenged every day as i tried to navigate the system: there were so many obstacles and extremely limited choices-- and waiting lists.

Finding the will to persist in seeking a solution that i only halfway wanted (at that time) was a process that started over with every phone call.

So your diligence and persistence in finding the best treatment is something to be very proud of, and coming back after relapse as well

*hugs*

[Gayandgray]

Anyone here actively involved in or considering getting involved in Overeaters Anonymous??