Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Gemme

I'm not a binger and/or purger...I'm not a good thrower upper and if I am doing so, please get me to the hospital asap as it's usually a sign of me being terribly ill...but I do have an unheathly emotional connection to food.

For me, I'm not sure it's so much about control as lack of control. When I eat, I zone out. It's like freaking happy time for my mouth and I want more, more, more.

Last year, I started a food journal and workout log and worked out and really paid attention to what I was putting in my body. I felt better and lost a good chunk of weight. Then I started at my job and I was so darn tired from the commute and work itself (I spend at least a quarter of the day outside, which is quite wearing on the body in this heat) and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was think about what I needed to eat and/or working out.

It's taken the better part of a year, but I've gained all my weight back at this point. Now, I'm in that floaty place where I know what needs to be done, know that I can do it (after all, I just did it not so long ago) but the motivation to do it is just not there. And so, I sit here idling away. No worse, no better.

Come to think of it, I take back what I said earlier. I do binge. Was it you, Sylvie, that said 'as much as my body would hold'? Well, I go beyond that sometimes. To the point that I look, honestly, like a pregnant woman in the beginning of my third trimester. It's terribly uncomfortable and just makes me feel worse once I realize just HOW much I ate.

I appreciate you starting this thread. Motivation and celebrating the good things, small and large, are definitely helpful in gaining more control over one's eating patterns. I look forward to reading more.

Ahh Gemme, the more i read this post the more i was nodding and soo knowing what you meant.. Especially with work, my work hours are a bit all over the place and when i work split shifts and 12 hour shifts, the last thing i feel like doing is taking the time to prepare something healthy AND working out.. especially after being on my feet all day - i still struggle with that today.. i do walk to and from work, which is only about a 10-15 min walk each way, but i think my body is adjusted to that now because i always walk to work.. So it's frustrating, VERY frustrating...

Yes, i did say that i would binge as much as my body would hold.. When i said that, i meant exactly what you meant cept it wasn't explaining it right, my body can hold much more than my appetite allows me, so my overeating is stuffing things inside me regardless of how full and digusting i feel, it 'is' a horrible feeling, especially when i finally shake myself out of my food coma and feel the effects of abusing my body the way i had..

My emotions of course take over, and i am SO hard on myself, and i get the negative thinking within, that im worthless and deserve to gain that weight back and it just shakes my confidence altogether that i've spent so long building up to keep myself motivated.. Then it becomes a vicious circle if i dont stop myself, now that i've binged and probably gained weight, i may as well eat that dang cookie, cuz its not going to matter.. Oh and well may as well eat junkfood for the rest of the day now and start new tomorrow.. my tomorrow really never comes, when i get in that frame of mind..

i know the bloating and feeling like a pregnant woman - i deal with that often too and it's strange when i stay on track, i notice mostly in my stomache that i lose first, so just goes to show what doing this to myself really does..

i'm so sorry about gaining your weight back Gemme, i didn't realize but you CAN do it, even when working.. We should work together and find ways to eat healthier and a workout routine around our work hours, i could really benefit from a healthier plan while working.. i do well on my days off or my short workdays, but i get myself in a real pickle when i'm working...

i also deal with emotional overeating, thats one huge stressor on my binging right there.. Monday, i got upset over the fact i had to delay the trip by two weeks to go see Mtn, i was to leave Sept 14 and now had to move it to Oct 3 due to passports - my heart was SOOO set on Sept 14.. What did i do? i lost control and overate , my portions were ridiculous and i felt SO awful for what i did, that i started again being hard on myself and again just not paying attention to what i was eating again and i really had to get myself back on track..

my weigh in today showed a 4 lb gain.. :: sad sigh ::
it's going to be a rough day, i can feel it.. i'm trying so hard not to be hard on myself, but 4 lbs in one week? takes me a friggin' week to lose 2 lbs!

thank you for sharing with me Gemme, and thank you for being happy for this thread, if any of you can use it or find benefit of having this thread here too, then that makes me happy.. i was scared to post it because a/i have a hard, hard time sharing this part of me, and b/i was scared no one else would understand or want to post in here..

i know it takes a great deal of courage to admit these things, and thought at least if i put it out there, even if people didn't post, someone might be reading and benefit from my struggle in some way to help themselves.. So, the same for any of you who post too, i really, truly thank you! Not only helps others, but me as well! ((((((((Gemme)))))))))