Eating Disorders ~

[Miss Scarlett]

When i was in my 20's i found myself fighting my way back from bulimarexia...an ugly cycle of binging, purging, restricting, obsessing, smoking like a chimney, living on chewing gum - sugarless of course and black coffee, exercising constantly well into the night, sometimes all night...

At the height of this i wouldn't eat in front of anyone; was addicted to laxatives (Correctol being my fav since it was pink) taking as many as the entire card of 15 tablets any time i put food in my mouth so food would pass very quickly; was also so addicted to ipecac that my fav pharmacies finally refused to sell it to me but i found it at a grocery store and bought every bottle they had as often as possible...

i wore designer clothes and looked wonderful (according to my Mom)...but i couldn't sit in a hard chair because my tailbone was poking out and it hurt, my hair thinned, my nails became brittle - they have never really recovered and 25 years later are still thin and misshapen, the enamel on my teeth was destroyed, sleep had become a foreign concept...i was so controlled by this i could go for 2 weeks or more without food and for a while wouldn't even swallow my own saliva...

Then Karen Carpenter died...

That got my attention because until then i didn't realize this could kill you and we shared a fondness for ipecac. i was scared and sought help and stayed in therapy until the behaviours stopped but never dealt with the underlying causes until going back into counseling last year.

i've had to accept that this will never leave me...

i've had to learn to love me just the way i am...

i've had to learn to accept that i will always be wary of every bite of food that goes into my mouth...

And i've had to learn that when my whole world seems to be spinning out of control i will always find myself wanting to fall back into some of those comfortable, familiar patterns, that there will be times when i will slip back into them...and when that happens i need to forgive and nurture myself...

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

At the height of this i wouldn't eat in front of anyone; was addicted to laxatives (Correctol being my fav since it was pink) taking as many as the entire card of 15 tablets any time i put food in my mouth so food would pass very quickly; was also so addicted to ipecac that my fav pharmacies finally refused to sell it to me but i found it at a grocery store and bought every bottle they had as often as possible...

i wore designer clothes and looked wonderful (according to my Mom)...but i couldn't sit in a hard chair because my tailbone was poking out and it hurt

I was the same way about people seeing me eat- and i still have moments when i am eating and someone walks in on my and i feel like i can't finish until they leave again

I was afraid of laxative addiction b/c i had heard you could end up with a colostomy bag forever- i decided i was going to outsmart that and just have multiple daily enemas- haha guess what- long term effects the same

i got so bony that it hurt to lay on the bed and i couldn't go through doors with my hands full because opening it with my hip was too painful

the scary part is that i still think i looked great and have moments where i really resent my recovery

then i remind myself of how lonely it was- i couldn't go anywhere or do anything because there are calories in every social, family, and professional event

and there is still a little voice that whispers "there must be a way to get back to a 16 BMI and still have a life"

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I was the same way about people seeing me eat- and i still have moments when i am eating and someone walks in on my and i feel like i can't finish until they leave again

I was afraid of laxative addiction b/c i had heard you could end up with a colostomy bag forever- i decided i was going to outsmart that and just have multiple daily enemas- haha guess what- long term effects the same

i got so bony that it hurt to lay on the bed and i couldn't go through doors with my hands full because opening it with my hip was too painful

the scary part is that i still think i looked great and have moments where i really resent my recovery

then i remind myself of how lonely it was- i couldn't go anywhere or do anything because there are calories in every social, family, and professional event

and there is still a little voice that whispers "there must be a way to get back to a 16 BMI and still have a life"

Yes, we'll always have those moments...most of the time i can ignore it but when under stress or very upset...

The hardest thing for me to accept when i began my journey back was that this will be with me forever.

Breaking my use of laxatives was extremely painful. i was fortunate that the father of a good friend was a doctor and was willing to "assist" me when things became "difficult."

Fortunately i didn't have any lasting consequences from the laxatives. The ipecac addiction was of great concern for many years and i still get my heart checked annually because of the occasional funky rhythm i inherited from my grandmother. But there doesn't seem to be anything of concern there either.

Do remember how comforting that self-imposed exile felt? Whenever it crosses my mind i have to stop and ask myself "what was i thinking?"

[nycfem]

Are there any books people find helpful? I just love the book "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

Do remember how comforting that self-imposed exile felt? Whenever it crosses my mind i have to stop and ask myself "what was i thinking?"

it was very safe....infinitely predictable. now i feel like life is really chaotic and i go back and forth on whether that's a good thing

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Are there any books people find helpful? I just love the book "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher.

Portia DiRossi's book was the very best- the most honest about the aftermath of making the decision to recover. Other books either end just after the decision, or gloss over the things you desperately want to know, like "exactly how much will i gain?" Portia told all.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

it was very safe....infinitely predictable. now i feel like life is really chaotic and i go back and forth on whether that's a good thing

(((((dark_crystal))))) Going back and forth is pretty "normal" in any recovery...i do the same thing about smoking. At the moment i am pondering whether or not to start back up which is nothing new for me. It has happened several times a year since i quit back in 1988.

i don't know where you are with this or how long you've been on your recovery journey. mine began 25 years ago and over those years i had to learn to accept this is a day by day thing, at times it will be moment by moment and sometimes even bite by bite.

i confess that at the moment there are 2 bottles of recently purchased ipecac on the counter in my kitchen...also nothing new for me. From time to time (when stressed, struggling or going through some sort of dark times) i pick up a bottle or so. They will sit there until i feel that i no longer need them and then i will throw them away - unopened (well, unopened is the goal).

We are by no means weak, oh no no no! We need to learn to rechannel the tremendous strength and self control/regulation that enable us to maintain those destructive behaviours. It doesn't happen overnight and takes a lot of work but it is possible.

[nycfem]

Another favorite book of mine is Home Sick by Jenny Lauren, Ralph Lauren's niece. She developed permanent, very serious stomach problems. She used A LOT of Ipecac throughout her youth.

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

We are by no means weak, oh no no no! We need to learn to rechannel the tremendous strength and self control/regulation that enable us to maintain those destructive behaviours. It doesn't happen overnight and takes a lot of work but it is possible.

This is something i need to understand more about myself these days, and also that it doesn't happen overnight.. i'm not weak.. it's taking every bit of strength and control i have within me to do this day to day - and this IS possible. because everyday, it's such a struggle and i get frustrated and it gets so overwhelming and i just want to cry ... it feels like completely silly things to cry over, but to me i feel like i'm giving up something thats been such a source of peace to me for so many years.. (i know that's a bad way of thinking about it) but it's so difficult... i really, really commend you (all of you actually) for the strength you's have to be so strong and to share your thoughts and stories with me.. i strive for some ease with myself and strength to look at this more realistically, and really do what's best for me and taking care of me - rather than fall to old habits...

it's funny how i can build myself up for so long, and then downspiral SO quick... i can do this too -

((((dc)))), i would love to read Portia's book as well, think that will be my next book purchase, actually! thanks for suggesting that, i remember seeing it on Ellen one day...
((((Jenn)))) thank you for your book suggestions too! i soo need to action buying them, the more resources the better! and i know your read suggestions rock!
((((Miss Scarlett)))) i am so understanding when you said the hardest thing for you to understand is that this will be with you forever... i struggle with that the most, i know this will be a lifetime commitment...
And reading your words, rang true for me, the thinning hair, the enamel on your teeth, brittle nails.. i have a very hard time eating in public, even today.. i dont like people watching me eat, unless they are people in my comfort zone, like close family, a partner, etc..

what i need to work on - forgiving myself..and moving forward and trying again!

[Miss Scarlett]

While packing up things for my upcoming move i came across my old food journals. The ones i kept before i started recovery were interesting and very different from subsequent journals.

In minute detail i kept accounts of date, time, food - amount & calories, weight before eating, weight after eating, whether or not i "kept it", method of purging, exercise following the purge and weight following the purge. What i found really interesting were some of the derogatory comments i made about myself...fat, weak, ugly, worthless, etc.

Recovery journals are also a detailed account of food thoughts and behaviours but record different information. Every time i had a food thought i was to record the date & time, food under consideration, what was going on when i had the food thought, whether or not i ate it and how i felt afterwards.

My current counselor has me keeping a different journal that i call "How am i feeling and why?" That's pretty self explanatory. There are times i don't want to journal but it almost always makes me feel better when i do. i don't keep those either because i don't want to see that stuff again. Instead i give them to my counselor.

i still overthink things and struggle with perfectionism. Getting it out of my head and onto paper does help.

[sylvie]

i soo appreciate your thoughts on the journalling, it's a great idea.
i think i could really learn from that.. right now, i do journal each day, it's a must of me - but not quite that detailed.. i could use looking back on all of those details, learning, accepting, forgiving, my feelings & the changes within me, as i grow with this each day...

i am leaning towards purchasing a weight scale, it's something i've not done because i really do obsess my weight.. but wondering is it healthy to obsess it some? i noticed You said you recorded weight before and after eating & i can see how looking back on the things you recorded would help in the longrun.. including the derogatory comments - in looking back.. being completely honest about your feelings, good or bad ...

i think this is really something i could benefit from doing Miss Scarlett, thank you for sharing! i'm eager to hear advice of any kind, it's all helpful to me, because i sought help not long ago and everything is so raw and new to me in dealing with these emotions and the anger and the up & down moods..

i keep telling myself i am proud of myself for doing this hard work.. And though most people in my life do not and will not understand, what's important is that i recognize the dangers in what i was doing, and i did what i thought i would never do, ask for help.. so much to celebrate for that alone, it's one of the few things that drives me to keep at this, even after i fall.. That and the love & support of a few amazing people in my life... ♥ as well as the sharing from all of you!

Thank you, so so much! (i know i keep saying thank you, but i just cant explain how grateful i am, for the sharing as well as the reps and messages, encouragement, & understanding..

PS - Today was an easier day for me - but i was free of temptation and avoided certain things.. my father, however called me today and upset me a great deal, he's a negative force in my life, very often.. That upset caused me to get very emotional and the stinkin' thinkin' began.. But i was able to deal with that upset in a healthier way through meditation (which has become a great source of comfort for me) i did a self love meditation, which put me in a stronger, healthier frame of mind..

Not the way i would deal with emotions and stress in the past of course, but i wasn't riddled with anger over NOT turning towards food - and so for today, that felt good..The difficult thoughts were there though, wanting to binge and wanting to seek out food and put myself in unhealthy situations that would torment me, a form of self abuse i have..

not acting on those thoughts, is worth celebrating for me today!

[sylvie]

i also wanted to mention, i feel very lost without counselling these days.. (and never thought i would EVER say such a thing in my life..) i've always been such a skeptic about counselling through life due to bad experiences, but once i admitted i needed help, i went through the EAP program at my work and got 4 sessions of counselling, which helped me tremendously..

i will be starting a new therapy, once i complete the craving changes course (which i am unsure of dates) but..i recognize today that counselling is so beneficial and necessary for my recovery.. Since my sessions ended, i feel more out of control, and all over the place with my emotions...

maybe this is something i need to research and even pay for, if necessary...
right now i feel like i am helping myself, which can be rewarding when it works - but blows up in my face a lot when i lose sight of myself..

i need more help than OA meetings - it's my only tool right now, besides journalling.
Your post about Your counsellor made me feel envious some Miss Scarlett, and it was an eye opener, that i miss this and that i'm not getting the decent help i need, i'm taking too much on myself and then beat myself up for not following through..

[Nat]

I'm a compulsive overeater and I've been attending OA since March. There was also a time when purging became part of my cycle. It was when a diet began falling apart, and every time I went over-calorie, I'd just try to find an isolated bathroom and get rid of it. It was hugely satisfying and a bit addictive in itself. However, I was able to quit doing that part after a while. It wasn't a life-long habit - but it was a strangely addictive one. It was awesome to just kinda hit the undo button on what I'd eaten, and it left me feeling very physically at peace and in control. It was a pretty hard habit for me to hide though, and I think the main reason it didn't become a more permanent habit.

I listen to a lot of 12 step podcasts - most geared more toward alcohol and drug recovery. But food is a drug for me - it numbs me, it comforts me, it entertains me. I think so much of my life has revolved around thoughts about what and when I will get to eat next. Abstinence is hard, but over time I've had more "days of grace" - this is what I call the days that are relatively easy to get through without overeating. The OA groups in my area don't seem to have the same solidity to them as the AA groups - at least the members who have also spent a long time in AA seem to have a better grasp of the full experience of 12 step. It seems many alcoholics find themselves addicted to sugar/simple carbs once alcohol has been cut out. At least I run into a relatively large number who successfully got sober, but turned to food.

I know there are a lot of different kinds of abstinence, but I use an app on my iphone called "lose it." It allows me to record anything I eat. It has programs for maintenance and also for losing weight. Really, my main goal is to heal my insides. I have spent much of my life learning to embrace my weight. One of the sayings I've heard is "Come for the vanity, stay for the sanity." I'm one of very few who came for the sanity. The steps are intimidating for me, but I'm hoping I can find a workable way through them.

The first part of gaining sanity for me is keeping a record of what I eat - and the lose-it program allows me to do that relatively easily. I have not been honest with myself about how much I eat - often I'm totally unconscious of it and I tend to rationalize the times I eat enough for 3-4 people. So putting my info in the program before I can take a bite has really been helpful. I'm not so concerned about whether I go over the limit every once in a while. Right now my abstinence consists mostly of writing down everything I eat.

I have a sponsor, but she's not available a lot, and I'm beginning to think I need to switch. I would like to have a stronger support system and feel that I need one. However, I'm thankful to have the one I've got. It's been hard being what I believe to be the only non-Christian in the room at those meetings, but I do try to do some sort of prayer in the morning. Sometimes it's to the Universe, sometimes to the Tao, sometimes to specific deities, sometimes to Nature. Whatever/Whomever I pray to, I try to imagine it's benevolent. I haven't really found a sweet spot that works for me on the days when I'm feeling cynical, but whatever I'm doing, it seems to be working. More and more days where food isn't the thought of most of my moments. I want to heal as much as I can, and the more I am part of a community focused on healing compulsive food behaviors, the more helpful it is to me Our world gives us such strong mixed messages about food and physical aesthetics regarding weight. It's nice to go to a meeting or listen to OA podcasts as well as other recovery podcasts.

There was a woman recently at a meeting who was talking about how she'd had an argument with her significant other - and she left the house for the night. Before she left, she packed up her food because she knew it would be dangerous for her if she did not. She said she liked coming to the group because people in the rest of the world would never get what a triumph it was for her to take the time to make sure she had her healthy food to eat before leaving, but that when she comes to OA, there are people there "from her planet." I think that's part of it for me too. I know lots of other compulsive overeaters, but few are attempting to recover. It feels good to have community with others who share some of my weird behaviors about food - like eating before I go to dinner, eating in secret, hiding how much I eat, etc. And lying to myself even about how much I eat. It feels good to feel balanced about food. Sometimes I look into the future and think about foods I may never get to eat again, but I just try to remind myself that I'm not eating those foods today. Looking into the future and saying "never again" upsets me. So I just do that one day at a time thing. And sometimes that's just one moment at a time. I try to ask myself more and more, "what's the next right action?" when i'm tempted to do things that would sabotage me. If a day is too much to face, I just try to focus on the next right action.

Anyway, that's my ramble for the night. Thanks for starting this thread!

[Miss Scarlett]

sylvie, i totally understand about a parent being a trigger. Mom was my trigger. All my life she ragged me about my weight with statements like: "Nobody wants a fat ______" , "My friends all say 'Your daughter has such a pretty face. It's a shame she's so fat.' Do you know how embarassing that is for me? Their daughters are all thin and pretty and look at you!" and "I am so ashamed of you."

Eventually my middle brother joined that chorus and my parents did nothing about his ugly words. Is it any wonder that i came to equate my value/acceptance/self-worth with my weight?

BTW when i was growing up i wasn't severely overweight...maybe a few pounds but nothing more. i was very much into sports, especially softball and swimming. i'd like to blame my eating disorder on pressure from a coach but that's not the case. When i was swimming fulltime my body was muscular and tight - i was in the best physical shape of my life but that was not good enough. It was the same when i was running.

It wasn't until the mid-80s when i was at the height of my bulimarexia and destroying my health that she considered me pretty.

All i ever wanted was to be thin enough to please my Mom so she would love me and i would no longer make her ashamed or embarassed. Rejection by Mom or anyone was because i wasn't thin...and i still struggle with that though it's not as strong.

After my recovery from being so dangerously thin i became dangerously obese...also part of my bulimarexia. That confuses many people because there is this misconception that you cannot gain weight with that disorder.

Mom's death in 2007 was devastating for me. We'd worked together for over 10 years and had become very close. But it was also liberating for me. my motivation for losing weight had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. It is also easier to overcome the desire to binge because most of the triggers are not as strong.

Counseling has been a godsend for me. Changing jobs from one city to another has helped and next month i am moving to another city which will further my healing.

Geez, i've been rambling this morning. i gotta get ready for work...

Wishing everyone here a wonderful day!

Remember to be gentle with yourself today...

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Nat

I'm a compulsive overeater and I've been attending OA since March. There was also a time when purging became part of my cycle. It was when a diet began falling apart, and every time I went over-calorie, I'd just try to find an isolated bathroom and get rid of it. It was hugely satisfying and a bit addictive in itself. However, I was able to quit doing that part after a while. It wasn't a life-long habit - but it was a strangely addictive one. It was awesome to just kinda hit the undo button on what I'd eaten, and it left me feeling very physically at peace and in control. It was a pretty hard habit for me to hide though, and I think the main reason it didn't become a more permanent habit.

I listen to a lot of 12 step podcasts - most geared more toward alcohol and drug recovery. But food is a drug for me - it numbs me, it comforts me, it entertains me. I think so much of my life has revolved around thoughts about what and when I will get to eat next. Abstinence is hard, but over time I've had more "days of grace" - this is what I call the days that are relatively easy to get through without overeating. The OA groups in my area don't seem to have the same solidity to them as the AA groups - at least the members who have also spent a long time in AA seem to have a better grasp of the full experience of 12 step. It seems many alcoholics find themselves addicted to sugar/simple carbs once alcohol has been cut out. At least I run into a relatively large number who successfully got sober, but turned to food.

I know there are a lot of different kinds of abstinence, but I use an app on my iphone called "lose it." It allows me to record anything I eat. It has programs for maintenance and also for losing weight. Really, my main goal is to heal my insides. I have spent much of my life learning to embrace my weight. One of the sayings I've heard is "Come for the vanity, stay for the sanity." I'm one of very few who came for the sanity. The steps are intimidating for me, but I'm hoping I can find a workable way through them.

The first part of gaining sanity for me is keeping a record of what I eat - and the lose-it program allows me to do that relatively easily. I have not been honest with myself about how much I eat - often I'm totally unconscious of it and I tend to rationalize the times I eat enough for 3-4 people. So putting my info in the program before I can take a bite has really been helpful. I'm not so concerned about whether I go over the limit every once in a while. Right now my abstinence consists mostly of writing down everything I eat.

I have a sponsor, but she's not available a lot, and I'm beginning to think I need to switch. I would like to have a stronger support system and feel that I need one. However, I'm thankful to have the one I've got. It's been hard being what I believe to be the only non-Christian in the room at those meetings, but I do try to do some sort of prayer in the morning. Sometimes it's to the Universe, sometimes to the Tao, sometimes to specific deities, sometimes to Nature. Whatever/Whomever I pray to, I try to imagine it's benevolent. I haven't really found a sweet spot that works for me on the days when I'm feeling cynical, but whatever I'm doing, it seems to be working. More and more days where food isn't the thought of most of my moments. I want to heal as much as I can, and the more I am part of a community focused on healing compulsive food behaviors, the more helpful it is to me Our world gives us such strong mixed messages about food and physical aesthetics regarding weight. It's nice to go to a meeting or listen to OA podcasts as well as other recovery podcasts.

There was a woman recently at a meeting who was talking about how she'd had an argument with her significant other - and she left the house for the night. Before she left, she packed up her food because she knew it would be dangerous for her if she did not. She said she liked coming to the group because people in the rest of the world would never get what a triumph it was for her to take the time to make sure she had her healthy food to eat before leaving, but that when she comes to OA, there are people there "from her planet." I think that's part of it for me too. I know lots of other compulsive overeaters, but few are attempting to recover. It feels good to have community with others who share some of my weird behaviors about food - like eating before I go to dinner, eating in secret, hiding how much I eat, etc. And lying to myself even about how much I eat. It feels good to feel balanced about food. Sometimes I look into the future and think about foods I may never get to eat again, but I just try to remind myself that I'm not eating those foods today. Looking into the future and saying "never again" upsets me. So I just do that one day at a time thing. And sometimes that's just one moment at a time. I try to ask myself more and more, "what's the next right action?" when i'm tempted to do things that would sabotage me. If a day is too much to face, I just try to focus on the next right action.

Anyway, that's my ramble for the night. Thanks for starting this thread!

((((Nat))))
wow, can i relate with this post. thank you very much for sharing!
Purging was hard for me to hide as well, my doctor found me out one day after i had been doing it awhile and she put the fear into me, as a single mother i didn't want to be admitted into the hospital nor deal with the health problems she suggested, including death. Although it didn't stop me from purging, it did slow it way down... For the most part, i binged and binged and binged some more - even that wasn't an everyday thing in the beginning, but it eventually took over my everyday... i started to gain some serious weight - and sadly hurting my finances, in a major way. It really caused us some hardships, especially where i wasn't working for years - and i've an extreme guilt over that alone, which is something i do not forgive myself for, i struggle to but it's difficult, because it not only affected me but those around me.. How embarrassing..

OA has been such a source of a great tool for me, especially lately where i've no counselling - i can relate with being the non christian in the room.. The very first OA meeting i attended, was here in town and i struggled with getting around the spiritual part of it and focusing on what i needed for me, the part on overeating.. i was overwhelmed with how much these ladies focused on things i couldn't get my mind around, it was the one and only meeting i attended, because i was able to find a really great website that hosts online meetings every 3 hours of the day.. It isn't so focused on spirituality, but on the overeating.. There is some mention of it, but i can now wrap my head around that part in my own ways by praying or meditating in my own ways - and i really gain some perspective about the compulsive overeating and dealing with my emotions - so online works much better for me, not only because of that but because it's available every 3 hours of the day and night - whereas the one here in town was just Monday nights at 7pm and Saturday mornings at 10am... Both times, i am always working and could never make it, except on rare occasions, i need something available to me more often - and so these meetings worked great.

This may sound a bit strange too, lol.. (on my part) but.. i couldn't get over the hugs that night when i attended the OA meeting.. Everyone kept coming at me with hugs, not small quick hugs, but the long hold me forever kind of hugs that i couldn't break out of their grasp, i didn't know any of these people from a hole in a wall - and i got really overwhelmed because though i love to hug - a bunch of people i don't even know is an exception - and on that night i was feeling extremely fragile and fearful , not being sure if i fit in.. actually i didn't feel like i fit in at all - but struggled to stay there and complete that meeting.. they had me read out loud from some books, which felt okay with me but the hugs felt like too much, i could have handled quick hugs maybe and welcomes but... oy, lemme go! Maybe now i would be less overwhelmed with attending those meetings, if my work hours allowed, it was all new to me and i had a lot of anger that night because letting go of my food would be difficult, practicing abstinence? How could they expect that of me ?

Now i get it and am open to trying and working on myself more everyday...it still angers me, especially my emotions... looking at foods i LOVED and binged on and realizing i will n ever put that in my mouth again - or hope not to.. i feel cheated, i feel like it's not fair, people around me get to eat what they want but i'm not allowed - because i did this to myself.. i go on feelings of feeling pathetic and worthless and all kinds of crap feelings when my anger moments arise... i have to work on finding ways around that, and dealing with my anger.. SOmething that worked great for me was exercise.. When i felt a really angry moment coming on and knew i was going to beat myself up in a bad way, i would get out and walk or work out in some way, it helped bring me positivity... if that wasn't possible, i would journal or meditate.. But there are times i got so stuck in my anger that i couldn't motivate myself to do any of these things - it's really hard to accept that not EVERYday will be a good day.. ::

At work, this is one of my most difficult places to deal with this..Feeding a resident things "i" want to be able to eat, really throws my emotions into a spin.. They say home should be the safe zone, and for the most part it is - but when i go to work i have no control over what is being fed to the residents.. So the fact i can get my hands on as many pieces of cheesecake that are left over or apple crisp or cookies or anything else of the sort - even meals is difficult.. i need to have self control which i have very little of.. So the best thing i could do was tell my co-workers.. Not all, but some... That way, if i put my hands on a piece of cheesecake, i will feel guilty if i walk away with one for me.. it's my only hope of making it through a workday.. It was NOTHING for me to grab a few of whatever i wanted and tuck away somewhere and eat it all with no one knowing.. i could still do that if i wanted to, easily... Even if people know about my eating disorder, it would be nothing for me to do it.. When we have birthday parties for the residents, the amount of food that goes through that place and that we can feast on as well is ridiculous - it's sooo soooo hard... Have i given in to temptation? a few times i have, completely embarrassing...

As well as at home - what's difficult at home is that i have teenagers who aren't always mindful of what momma is going through.. One is 18, and one is 15.. i have sat with them and told them how difficult this is for me, that i am seeking help and all about my compulsive overeating/binging and even the occasional purging...They are very understanding and do their best most days not to tempt me - but i still hear them talk about what they're going to the store for sometimes, and i still have seen them walk in here with junkfood and go to their rooms to eat with the door shut, and i have come home from work sometimes to see half eaten potato chips or half drank sodapop... i wont touch them because they've already drank out of them, but my emotions go spinning out of control and it takes everything i have in me NOT to go to the corner store which is only a few steps away from me and buy exactly what i am craving at that moment...

It's what i would do in the past , it was nothing for me to go to the corner store and buy 20 dollars with of junkfood and come home and eat it, and i would do this EVERY night for years.. It affected me in so many different ways, i became antisocial, i gained weight, my self esteem got driven into the ground, i had no ambition to get out working or help myself in any way, and i was spending money that should have went towards bills, NOT to mention had way too much junkfood on hand that the children would eat sometimes too - and i am thankful everyday right now that it's eventually turned my children against eating so much junkfood - however, i see signs of bulemia with my daughter sadly.. i've had her to the doctor and i believe we've caught it early, as we're working with her to help her learn healthy eating habits too and she's doing wonderful - i hope, i hope with all my might that she's learning the dangers from me, the emotions and the hurt and my self destructive behaviours, i share it all with them ...

One thing you mentionned Nat, that really struck a chord with me is that you are totally unconscious about the amounts you eat - *nods* me too.. i lie to myself all the time, as well as others, that was big for me - even when i first started the OA program and was in counselling - i still wasn't being 100% truthful, so now when i am truthful via people who understand this (such as here in this thread for instance) it's extremely embarrassing, the guilt i feel is difficult, so very difficult.. it's hard to want to put it here for all to read.. Even starting this thread was hard for me, it's something i had considered doing for a long time, and i kept saying to Mtn why isn't there an Eating Disorder thread, i wish someone would start one.. He searched high and low as well and then suggested i start one.. HUH? noooo! lol.. That would mean putting my stuff out there, rather than perving a thread quietly for my own benefit... But, i did it on what felt like one of my stronger days.. Am i happy for doing it? i am in the sense that between posts here in this thread as well as rep and private messages from those who wont share publicly, it's SO helpful for me to get that support - it's an extra tool for me..

i do not have a sponsor, i wrote my name on the sponsor list that night i attended the OA meeting here in town, but nothing came of that because i never went back.. i do have the list of people i can call, but i haven't.. It's scary to me to pick up that phone and call someone i don't know, i think my low self esteem makes me feel like i'm bugging someone and maybe i'm also using that as an excuse.. So making this thread was a huge step in my recovery journey, and i'm finding it easier to put it all out here, whether good days or bad days - having this support system is a tremendous thing and thank you so much for lending your story too... i sooo appreciate it!

It really does help, to know that other people understand my 'ways'.. The things i do that most people might regard as strange, for instance going to a restaurant with some of my friends because they're choosing a restaurant that are all fried foods, i will t ell them i cant.. they say you CAN sometimes, you cant totally stop or you'll want to eat it.. i try to explain and they look at me strangely.. or get togethers, i'm not strong enough for those yet, i know it's riddled with foods i cant handle being around.. i think i could if i had someone with me who knew my struggle and who could remind me to grab at the healthy things - maybe...i know my friends just don't get it.. Or how hard it is to grocery shop, i get so crazy emotional, and i look like a crazed woman having conversations with myself, or tearing up cuz i want SO much to toss that bag of doritos in my shopping cart.. i'll walk away, i'll go back, i'll walk away again..

Something i did a week ago that i'm not proud of.. i got so bent emotionally one day after gaining the 4 lbs, i started pinching my stomache, constantly all day.. my tummy was so bruised and paining by the end of the day - that was a new behaviour for me, maybe was a way for me to feel control of something, or maybe just a way to abuse myself for giving in - the guilt of giving in that day was so overwhelming.. i was very hard on myself emotionally too.. i'm still not back up to par, i'm still not motivated to exercise again, though i'm working my way back to that and it's taking everything i have to put food in my mouth at all - it was a struggle for awhile.. (starvation is another way i would punish myself if i couldn't binge or felt guilty) one extreme to another..

sabotaging myself, setting myself up for failure and then getting stuck in the guilt and reasons to abuse myself over it - vicious circle.. but one i'm stuck in often..

Thanks for being so real with me girls, and allowing me to do the same..
having a place to do this, with understanding is a wonderful tool for me..
(((((huggggz)))))

[DressyFemme]

I was going to start a thread on mindful intuitive eating but then found this thread. *sits down comfortably*. I grew up the codependent daughter of a binge eating disorder narcissistic stepfather and a codependent mother with type 1 diabetes. She tried to manage his food ALL the time, and I swore I'd never be like that. At age 27 I was in a verbally abusive relationship with a soft butch incest survivor not in recovery and I kind of learned how to binge. I went up to 165 from 133 and spent the next 14 years failing at abstinence in OA, which really did a number on my self esteem. I was also getting sober in SLAA. By the end I was 316, unemployed, depressed, Adult ADHD, my mother had died of diabetes at age 59, and didn't know what to do. I saw Shadows of Hope on TV and researched rehabs across the country, and entered Timberline Knolls in Chicago in May 2011 when I came into an inheritance. Wow within 24 hours everything I knew about recovery was turned on its head. I learned about mindful intuitive eating and began my new journey. It (along with DBT) changed my life. I no longer diet and eat in moderation. I wish I could say I stayed on course but didn't because I had to end a four year friendship and relapsed. I got back on track in summer 2014 at a local outpatient and have stayed on course. I'm now 250 and my a1c is down to 5.8 from 12. I don't focus on numbers anymore and health is my goal. But most of my friends are either dieters or are having WLS. I respect their right to choose their own path but keep watching the results... I also live with my partner of 17 years who has BED, diabetes, and is permanently disabled from same. It's very hard to see her deteriorate but I love her for everything... she's my butch and my husband. I'm so so glad Sylvie started this topic as I need support and to be around others who "get it". Thanks for listening.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by DressyFemme

I was going to start a thread on mindful intuitive eating but then found this thread. *sits down comfortably*. I grew up the codependent daughter of a binge eating disorder narcissistic stepfather and a codependent mother with type 1 diabetes. She tried to manage his food ALL the time, and I swore I'd never be like that. At age 27 I was in a verbally abusive relationship with a soft butch incest survivor not in recovery and I kind of learned how to binge. I went up to 165 from 133 and spent the next 14 years failing at abstinence in OA, which really did a number on my self esteem. I was also getting sober in SLAA. By the end I was 316, unemployed, depressed, Adult ADHD, my mother had died of diabetes at age 59, and didn't know what to do. I saw Shadows of Hope on TV and researched rehabs across the country, and entered Timberline Knolls in Chicago in May 2011 when I came into an inheritance. Wow within 24 hours everything I knew about recovery was turned on its head. I learned about mindful intuitive eating and began my new journey. It (along with DBT) changed my life. I no longer diet and eat in moderation. I wish I could say I stayed on course but didn't because I had to end a four year friendship and relapsed. I got back on track in summer 2014 at a local outpatient and have stayed on course. I'm now 250 and my a1c is down to 5.8 from 12. I don't focus on numbers anymore and health is my goal. But most of my friends are either dieters or are having WLS. I respect their right to choose their own path but keep watching the results... I also live with my partner of 17 years who has BED, diabetes, and is permanently disabled from same. It's very hard to see her deteriorate but I love her for everything... she's my butch and my husband. I'm so so glad Sylvie started this topic as I need support and to be around others who "get it". Thanks for listening.

I am glad you found this thread!

I thought the hardest part about recovery was making the decision to seek treatment, but i was wrong! That decision was challenged every day as i tried to navigate the system: there were so many obstacles and extremely limited choices-- and waiting lists.

Finding the will to persist in seeking a solution that i only halfway wanted (at that time) was a process that started over with every phone call.

So your diligence and persistence in finding the best treatment is something to be very proud of, and coming back after relapse as well

*hugs*

[Gayandgray]

Anyone here actively involved in or considering getting involved in Overeaters Anonymous??