How to be a femme ally

Quintease · 05-14-2012, 02:59 PM

How to be a femme ally?

Don't assume we fuck men.

Don't look surprised if we get offended if you assume we fuck men.

Try to look past the hair/nails/shoes/dress/frills/whatever and realise from the outset that while she may not have the ''look'' you expect, you may still be looking at a woman who is just as (or more*) lesbian than you.

If you're a fellow femme, don't ask her to lend you her clothes if you don't intend to give them back

*'more' is a judgement to be sure, but when you've had absolute certainty about your lesbianism for 15+ years and you may even be a gold star (I'm not) it's really offensive for some 20-something lesbian (or man) to assume you're about to run off with the first bio-guy who clicks his finger at you.

~ocean · 05-14-2012, 03:06 PM

I love my femme sisters ... I am never jealous of their beauty inner or outer . I always compliament them ..and appreciate their exsistance

i cam be friends w. all ages .. even tho i do like talking w. woman my own age. helps when u have to figure out some things ur going threw. ROCK ON Ladies

)

cara · 05-14-2012, 06:17 PM

I was just talking to one of my femme allies about this over the weekend!

I think some of the most important ways to be a femme ally have already been mentioned in this thread. To me, being a femme ally is also about being willing to do the work to form a bond or connection that is both healthy and sincere. A femme ally may not be your closest friend/s, but by very definition of the word, they *are* a friend. When push comes to shove, you know they'll have your back. If there is any doubt in my head about that, it's up to me to take the initial step to cultivate that ally-ship. And if the other person turns out to be a flake/user/butch's femme/whatever than it's important for me to recognize that, acknowledge it, and move on if needed.

Here are some real-life examples of how you can fuck up a femme ally-ship (yes, these things have all happened to me):

Withholding love/concern/friendship because you're not happy with me or a decision I've made
Going after my girlfriends (has happened twice by two different "best friends"!)
Talking negatively behind my back
Purposely leaving me out because I'm not ______ enough

And because I'm not perfect and know I've got my own work to do (Always!), here are some real-life examples of how I have fucked up some femme ally-ships.

Being afraid to bring up subjects that are difficult to talk about
Burying my head in the sand/refusing to take sides in an argument when deep down I know better and should be supporting my femme ally. (Note: This still doesn't mean I'm going to involve myself in your personal drama)
Gossiping
Being too stubborn to apologize when I realize I was in the wrong

To me, femme allies are just as important as my family, if not more so. Like everything important in life the more you put into an ally-ship, the stronger it will be.

cara

deedarino · 05-14-2012, 07:07 PM

This is a BEAUTIFUL thread!!!

Femme Ally:

Tells me; You DO look fat in those pants and don't ever put them on again...
Sticks up for my partner when I am bitching and reminds me how wonderful I think they are and how lucky I am to have them...
Worries about me when I am sad over a stupid mistake and texts stupid jokes trying to make me laugh
Giggling over "damn girl....she's/he's hot" with each others partner or potential partner, KNOWING there is never any way we would hurt each other over a butch.
Listens to the most boring details of my story, just because it is important to me...
Encourages my dreams no matter how many dreams have came and went...
Tells me when she knows someone is bad for me, even if she is afraid it will hurt me...especially then.

PS: I would do everyone of these things for her...I love my sisters.

Nat · 05-14-2012, 09:21 PM

- don't tell a person she isn't a femme or isn't feminine if you know she identifies as a femme
- don't respond to a femme mentioning that she identifies as a femme by talking about high school and labels.
- don't feel pressured to identify just because she identifies
- don't compare her to straight girls OR tell her she's not queer or a lesbian
- remember some femmes do fuck/date/love men.
- if you are obviously queer, and you are out in public with her, realize it might be one of the few times in the day/week/month/year when she will be publically recognized as queer just by being in your presence (whether you are friend or lover). Let her bask in it a bit unless she doesn't like basking in it. I find it lovely to be in the company of obviously queer and/or lesbian folks because it's the only time I can be entirely authentic and STILL be read correctly. It puts my heart at ease.

aishah · 05-14-2012, 11:30 PM

i love this thread so much

these are qualities that are important to me in friendships...
fierce loving honest direct communication
being accountable when we fuck up
showing up for each other, especially when it's hard
being willing to stretch past our comfort zone for each other
listening and honoring our feelings (all of the time but especially) when we need to vent and we're just pissed off
sharing pleasure
being kind to each other
asking when we don't know, not assuming things about each others' identities, preferences, or anything else
standing up for each other

Words · 05-15-2012, 01:57 AM

Don't allow jealousy - of looks, of cleavage, of ability to do great make up, of brains (and yes, I'm guilty of all these) - get in the way of getting to know a fellow femme.

I've lost the chance to forge some great potential relationships by focusing on what 'she' has rather than what I have to offer in the way of genuine friendship and for that, I am truly sorry.

Words

05-14-2012, 02:59 PM	#1
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,817 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10560327	How to be a femme ally? Don't assume we fuck men. Don't look surprised if we get offended if you assume we fuck men. Try to look past the hair/nails/shoes/dress/frills/whatever and realise from the outset that while she may not have the ''look'' you expect, you may still be looking at a woman who is just as (or more) lesbian than you.* If you're a fellow femme, don't ask her to lend you her clothes if you don't intend to give them back *'more' is a judgement to be sure, but when you've had absolute certainty about your lesbianism for 15+ years and you may even be a gold star (I'm not) it's really offensive for some 20-something lesbian (or man) to assume you're about to run off with the first bio-guy who clicks his finger at you. __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

05-14-2012, 06:17 PM	#3
cara Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer/lesbian femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Married to my love 08.15.15 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Indianapolis, IN Posts: 3,401 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,995 Thanked 13,254 Times in 2,725 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I was just talking to one of my femme allies about this over the weekend! I think some of the most important ways to be a femme ally have already been mentioned in this thread. To me, being a femme ally is also about being willing to do the work to form a bond or connection that is both healthy and sincere. A femme ally may not be your closest friend/s, but by very definition of the word, they are a friend. When push comes to shove, you know they'll have your back. If there is any doubt in my head about that, it's up to me to take the initial step to cultivate that ally-ship. And if the other person turns out to be a flake/user/butch's femme/whatever than it's important for me to recognize that, acknowledge it, and move on if needed. Here are some real-life examples of how you can fuck up a femme ally-ship (yes, these things have all happened to me): Withholding love/concern/friendship because you're not happy with me or a decision I've made Going after my girlfriends (has happened twice by two different "best friends"!) Talking negatively behind my back Purposely leaving me out because I'm not ______ enough And because I'm not perfect and know I've got my own work to do (Always!), here are some real-life examples of how I have fucked up some femme ally-ships. Being afraid to bring up subjects that are difficult to talk about Burying my head in the sand/refusing to take sides in an argument when deep down I know better and should be supporting my femme ally. (Note: This still doesn't mean I'm going to involve myself in your personal drama) Gossiping Being too stubborn to apologize when I realize I was in the wrong To me, femme allies are just as important as my family, if not more so. Like everything important in life the more you put into an ally-ship, the stronger it will be. cara __________________ "The world in which you were born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you; they are unique manifestations of the human spirit." ~Wade Davis

05-14-2012, 07:07 PM	#4
deedarino Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Woman Relationship Status: In recovery. Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Oregon Posts: 632 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,518 Thanked 1,955 Times in 496 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	This is a BEAUTIFUL thread!!! Femme Ally: Tells me; You DO look fat in those pants and don't ever put them on again... Sticks up for my partner when I am bitching and reminds me how wonderful I think they are and how lucky I am to have them... Worries about me when I am sad over a stupid mistake and texts stupid jokes trying to make me laugh Giggling over "damn girl....she's/he's hot" with each others partner or potential partner, KNOWING there is never any way we would hurt each other over a butch. Listens to the most boring details of my story, just because it is important to me... Encourages my dreams no matter how many dreams have came and went... Tells me when she knows someone is bad for me, even if she is afraid it will hurt me...especially then. PS: I would do everyone of these things for her...I love my sisters. __________________ Squint your eyes and look closer. I'm not between you and your ambitions. I am a poster girl with no poster. I am thirty-two flavors and then some. And I'm beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head~Ani I want to think again of dangerous and noble things; I want to be light and frolicsome; I want to be improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing as if I had wings Mary Oliver

05-14-2012, 09:21 PM	#5
Nat Senior Member How Do You Identify?: bigender (DID System) Preferred Pronoun?: he/him or alter-specific Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Central TX Posts: 3,537 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,047 Thanked 13,971 Times in 2,591 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	- don't tell a person she isn't a femme or isn't feminine if you know she identifies as a femme - don't respond to a femme mentioning that she identifies as a femme by talking about high school and labels. - don't feel pressured to identify just because she identifies - don't compare her to straight girls OR tell her she's not queer or a lesbian - remember some femmes do fuck/date/love men. - if you are obviously queer, and you are out in public with her, realize it might be one of the few times in the day/week/month/year when she will be publically recognized as queer just by being in your presence (whether you are friend or lover). Let her bask in it a bit unless she doesn't like basking in it. I find it lovely to be in the company of obviously queer and/or lesbian folks because it's the only time I can be entirely authentic and STILL be read correctly. It puts my heart at ease. __________________ I'm a fountain of blood. In the shape of a girl. - Bjork What is to give light must endure burning. -Viktor Frankl

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05-14-2012, 03:06 PM	#2
~ocean Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme blows a kiss off my finger tips * Preferred Pronoun?: ~ hey girl ~ Relationship Status: ~ single & content ~ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Massachusetts ~coastal Posts: 7,905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,958 Thanked 16,025 Times in 4,727 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I love my femme sisters ... I am never jealous of their beauty inner or outer . I always compliament them ..and appreciate their exsistance i cam be friends w. all ages .. even tho i do like talking w. woman my own age. helps when u have to figure out some things ur going threw. ROCK ON Ladies )

05-14-2012, 11:30 PM	#6
aishah Member How Do You Identify?: queer stone femme shark baby girl Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, little one Relationship Status: dating myself. Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 1,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,823 Thanked 6,442 Times in 1,288 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	i love this thread so much these are qualities that are important to me in friendships... fierce loving honest direct communication being accountable when we fuck up showing up for each other, especially when it's hard being willing to stretch past our comfort zone for each other listening and honoring our feelings (all of the time but especially) when we need to vent and we're just pissed off sharing pleasure being kind to each other asking when we don't know, not assuming things about each others' identities, preferences, or anything else standing up for each other

05-15-2012, 01:57 AM	#7
Words Member How Do You Identify?: Queer femme submissive Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: UK Posts: 969 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,449 Thanked 4,258 Times in 677 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Don't allow jealousy - of looks, of cleavage, of ability to do great make up, of brains (and yes, I'm guilty of all these) - get in the way of getting to know a fellow femme. I've lost the chance to forge some great potential relationships by focusing on what 'she' has rather than what I have to offer in the way of genuine friendship and for that, I am truly sorry. Words