How to be a femme ally

Medusa · 11-14-2011, 01:01 PM

Wow! How did I miss this thread?! GREAT thread topic!

Years ago, someone that I loved very much told me that there was a world where you had "Femme's Femmes" and "Butch's Femmes".

At first, I bucked that idea because it felt like reinforcing all of the negative shit that we are fed from day one about how women are supposed to hate each other (or at least mistrust each other).

But yanno? I look at the women who have access to my heart and can say without at doubt that these are women who would never put getting attention or validation from a random Butch (or mine) over our friendship or my heart.

These are women I would trust to sleep naked next to my partner and would never blink.

These are women who I know to exercise good boundaries when it comes to seeking validation from others, and specifically, Butches.

See, I think that we sometimes don't like to talk about the fact that there are Femmes among us who try to heal whatever cracks they have with the mortar of Butch attention. Because sometimes attention equals attraction. And sex equals love. And love fills the cracks within us that are formed by our Mommas and Daddies, Family, and Lovers.

I have to love those Femmes from a distance. That whole "letting go with love" thing because I have been that Femme and understand what kind of hard work it takes to work toward being enough for oneself.

My allies are going to look like Femme's Femmes - Women who are interested in cultivating deep, meaningful relationships with other Femmes even when it's a lot of work.

Those are the women who get my time and my heart.

Those are the women who I am going to call on when my partner dies and I am grieving so deeply that my marrow is cracking.

Those are the women that I will freely fuck up in front of and accept, with gratitude, the lessons they have to teach.

Some people call them "heart friends". Some call them "kindred spirits".

All I know is that I am a better Femme when surrounded by my girls.

Medusa · 11-14-2011, 02:28 PM

How about some practical stuff?!

A Femme Ally:

* is going to tell you when you've tucked your skirt into your panties or sat in ketchup while wearing a white dress!

* is going to revel in your way of being Femme while maintaining and cherishing her own!

* is going to celebrate your accomplishments!

* is going to pull you off to the side and say "What the fuck are you doing working 2 jobs to support that Butch?"

* is going to know the difference between the stuff you share with your Butch and the stuff you share with your Sisters!

princessbelle · 11-14-2011, 02:56 PM

Ohhhhhhhhhhh i love the lists!!!!!

I've gained some FABULOUS femme ally relationships this past year and i seriously don't know how i survived without them before that. They are not all necessarily femmes themselves either.

Some more "things".

A Femme Ally:

~ Will tell you "you f*cked up" and help you figure out a way to "unf*ck it".

~ Will hold your hand when you cry just cause you feel like crying.

~ Will keep reminding you how strong you are, even when you don't feel like it.

~ Will advise you when you ask but knows you will make your own decision and be happy for you when you do.

~ Will listen intently when the sound of your voice changes and she/hy/he just "knows" this is important to you even when it seems trivial.

~ Will always answer the phone when you call or at least call you back. It's something you can count on.

~ Will remind you they think you are beautiful. No matter how fat or ugly or bitchy you feel that day.

~ Will just always be there, when the rest of the world has let you down and you feel you don't have a soul who understands.....a femme ally does.

persiphone · 11-14-2011, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Medusa

Wow! How did I miss this thread?! GREAT thread topic!

Years ago, someone that I loved very much told me that there was a world where you had "Femme's Femmes" and "Butch's Femmes".

At first, I bucked that idea because it felt like reinforcing all of the negative shit that we are fed from day one about how women are supposed to hate each other (or at least mistrust each other).

But yanno? I look at the women who have access to my heart and can say without at doubt that these are women who would never put getting attention or validation from a random Butch (or mine) over our friendship or my heart.

These are women I would trust to sleep naked next to my partner and would never blink.

These are women who I know to exercise good boundaries when it comes to seeking validation from others, and specifically, Butches.

See, I think that we sometimes don't like to talk about the fact that there are Femmes among us who try to heal whatever cracks they have with the mortar of Butch attention. Because sometimes attention equals attraction. And sex equals love. And love fills the cracks within us that are formed by our Mommas and Daddies, Family, and Lovers.

I have to love those Femmes from a distance. That whole "letting go with love" thing because I have been that Femme and understand what kind of hard work it takes to work toward being enough for oneself.

My allies are going to look like Femme's Femmes - Women who are interested in cultivating deep, meaningful relationships with other Femmes even when it's a lot of work.

Those are the women who get my time and my heart.

Those are the women who I am going to call on when my partner dies and I am grieving so deeply that my marrow is cracking.

Those are the women that I will freely fuck up in front of and accept, with gratitude, the lessons they have to teach.

Some people call them "heart friends". Some call them "kindred spirits".

All I know is that I am a better Femme when surrounded by my girls.

here, here! i can't say enough about my femme friends and sisters. i crave them and they bring something to my life that i can't get anywhere else. i strive to bring as much to theirs. *cheers*

persiphone · 11-14-2011, 03:21 PM

my list is for the femme's femmes

~she knows not to get personal with your partner
~she's gracious when you fall apart
~she makes you laugh when you wanna scream
~she can tactfully guide you when you're being a little.....off
~she loves your ugly pants
~she has no hidden agendas
~she practices acceptance instead of envy
~she says nothing about the fact that you snort when you laugh
~she says just the right thing at just the right time
~she will stick up for a girl, even the ones she may not like

this describes my close femme friends whom i love dearly and would do anything for. they are not your average femme and i know this, so i cherish them with grace and i'd fight to the death for each of them. someone's got to.

pinkgeek · 11-17-2011, 04:50 PM

What persi said +

++she texts and calls on a crap day just to say hello and talk strategy
++she doesn't mind hanging out in pajamas
++she is a cheerleader
++she loans and borrows shoes, kitchen equipment, books
++she is fierce and inspiring!
++she introduces you to new and interesting things
++she isn't afraid to talk politics

My femme friends are amazing, diverse, kind and incredibly smart. In a zombie apocalypse they are who I'll team up with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by persiphone

my list is for the femme's femmes

~she knows not to get personal with your partner
~she's gracious when you fall apart
~she makes you laugh when you wanna scream
~she can tactfully guide you when you're being a little.....off
~she loves your ugly pants
~she has no hidden agendas
~she practices acceptance instead of envy
~she says nothing about the fact that you snort when you laugh
~she says just the right thing at just the right time
~she will stick up for a girl, even the ones she may not like

this describes my close femme friends whom i love dearly and would do anything for. they are not your average femme and i know this, so i cherish them with grace and i'd fight to the death for each of them. someone's got to.

persiphone · 11-17-2011, 08:18 PM

life without femme swapping of books, kitchen equipment and shoes is an empty life indeed. and presents!!!! and coffee. in super gay mugs.

<---LOL

persiphone · 12-07-2011, 02:52 PM

i'm so excited i get to bake cookies with one of the most amazing femmes i know this holiday.

Medusa · 05-14-2012, 10:51 AM

I'd like to see this thread come alive again. So many wonderful things said here and so many great examples of what it looks like to be an ally!

Soft*Silver · 11-14-2011, 03:53 PM

I love these lists! So perfectly said and sums up exactly what I expect from a femme ally. I see a pattern about partners being off limits...thats a huge one for me! But what is more important is the incredible caring of each other that I hear in these lists. Being nurtured and Present and loved. But not just easily..sometimes when its hard and difficult too.

We have some quality people on this forum!

Apocalipstic · 11-14-2011, 04:35 PM

I really never thought about this until the reunion this year. Arwen started the Femme Brigade thread and it really made me think about my Femme friends and how we can support each other.

Then being around my Femme friends at the reunion filled me with such love and support, I came home and am trying to reach out to Femme friends and aquaintances and be an ally.

Love you Nat! Great thread!

girl_dee · 11-14-2011, 09:19 PM

Femme alliances go deep.

I don't have many close femme friendships but the ones i have, are deep.

11-14-2011, 01:01 PM	#1
Medusa Mentally Delicious How Do You Identify?: Queer High Femme, thank you very much Preferred Pronoun?: Mme. Relationship Status: Married to JD. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 10,446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,995 Thanked 42,686 Times in 7,831 Posts Rep Power: 10000025	Wow! How did I miss this thread?! GREAT thread topic! Years ago, someone that I loved very much told me that there was a world where you had "Femme's Femmes" and "Butch's Femmes". At first, I bucked that idea because it felt like reinforcing all of the negative shit that we are fed from day one about how women are supposed to hate each other (or at least mistrust each other). But yanno? I look at the women who have access to my heart and can say without at doubt that these are women who would never put getting attention or validation from a random Butch (or mine) over our friendship or my heart. These are women I would trust to sleep naked next to my partner and would never blink. These are women who I know to exercise good boundaries when it comes to seeking validation from others, and specifically, Butches. See, I think that we sometimes don't like to talk about the fact that there are Femmes among us who try to heal whatever cracks they have with the mortar of Butch attention. Because sometimes attention equals attraction. And sex equals love. And love fills the cracks within us that are formed by our Mommas and Daddies, Family, and Lovers. I have to love those Femmes from a distance. That whole "letting go with love" thing because I have been that Femme and understand what kind of hard work it takes to work toward being enough for oneself. My allies are going to look like Femme's Femmes - Women who are interested in cultivating deep, meaningful relationships with other Femmes even when it's a lot of work. Those are the women who get my time and my heart. Those are the women who I am going to call on when my partner dies and I am grieving so deeply that my marrow is cracking. Those are the women that I will freely fuck up in front of and accept, with gratitude, the lessons they have to teach. Some people call them "heart friends". Some call them "kindred spirits". All I know is that I am a better Femme when surrounded by my girls. __________________ . . . Buy ButchFemmePlanet Merch Here: https://teespring.com/stores/butchfemmeplanetcom-merch

11-14-2011, 02:28 PM	#2
Medusa Mentally Delicious How Do You Identify?: Queer High Femme, thank you very much Preferred Pronoun?: Mme. Relationship Status: Married to JD. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 10,446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,995 Thanked 42,686 Times in 7,831 Posts Rep Power: 10000025	How about some practical stuff?! A Femme Ally: * is going to tell you when you've tucked your skirt into your panties or sat in ketchup while wearing a white dress! * is going to revel in your way of being Femme while maintaining and cherishing her own! * is going to celebrate your accomplishments! * is going to pull you off to the side and say "What the fuck are you doing working 2 jobs to support that Butch?" * is going to know the difference between the stuff you share with your Butch and the stuff you share with your Sisters! __________________ . . . Buy ButchFemmePlanet Merch Here: https://teespring.com/stores/butchfemmeplanetcom-merch

11-14-2011, 02:56 PM	#3
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,496 Times in 5,198 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Ohhhhhhhhhhh i love the lists!!!!! I've gained some FABULOUS femme ally relationships this past year and i seriously don't know how i survived without them before that. They are not all necessarily femmes themselves either. Some more "things". A Femme Ally: ~ Will tell you "you fcked up" and help you figure out a way to "unfck it". ~ Will hold your hand when you cry just cause you feel like crying. ~ Will keep reminding you how strong you are, even when you don't feel like it. ~ Will advise you when you ask but knows you will make your own decision and be happy for you when you do. ~ Will listen intently when the sound of your voice changes and she/hy/he just "knows" this is important to you even when it seems trivial. ~ Will always answer the phone when you call or at least call you back. It's something you can count on. ~ Will remind you they think you are beautiful. No matter how fat or ugly or bitchy you feel that day. ~ Will just always be there, when the rest of the world has let you down and you feel you don't have a soul who understands.....a femme ally does. __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou

05-14-2012, 10:51 AM	#9
Medusa Mentally Delicious How Do You Identify?: Queer High Femme, thank you very much Preferred Pronoun?: Mme. Relationship Status: Married to JD. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 10,446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,995 Thanked 42,686 Times in 7,831 Posts Rep Power: 10000025	I'd like to see this thread come alive again. So many wonderful things said here and so many great examples of what it looks like to be an ally! __________________ . . . Buy ButchFemmePlanet Merch Here: https://teespring.com/stores/butchfemmeplanetcom-merch

11-14-2011, 03:53 PM	#10
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,894 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	I love these lists! So perfectly said and sums up exactly what I expect from a femme ally. I see a pattern about partners being off limits...thats a huge one for me! But what is more important is the incredible caring of each other that I hear in these lists. Being nurtured and Present and loved. But not just easily..sometimes when its hard and difficult too. We have some quality people on this forum! __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

11-14-2011, 03:21 PM	#5
persiphone Timed Out How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: on a hedonistic hiatus Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Permanently Banned 12/28/2011 Posts: 462 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,574 Thanked 1,562 Times in 380 Posts Rep Power: 0	my list is for the femme's femmes ~she knows not to get personal with your partner ~she's gracious when you fall apart ~she makes you laugh when you wanna scream ~she can tactfully guide you when you're being a little.....off ~she loves your ugly pants ~she has no hidden agendas ~she practices acceptance instead of envy ~she says nothing about the fact that you snort when you laugh ~she says just the right thing at just the right time ~she will stick up for a girl, even the ones she may not like this describes my close femme friends whom i love dearly and would do anything for. they are not your average femme and i know this, so i cherish them with grace and i'd fight to the death for each of them. someone's got to.

11-17-2011, 08:18 PM	#7
persiphone Timed Out How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: on a hedonistic hiatus Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Permanently Banned 12/28/2011 Posts: 462 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,574 Thanked 1,562 Times in 380 Posts Rep Power: 0	life without femme swapping of books, kitchen equipment and shoes is an empty life indeed. and presents!!!! and coffee. in super gay mugs. <---LOL

12-07-2011, 02:52 PM	#8
persiphone Timed Out How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: on a hedonistic hiatus Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Permanently Banned 12/28/2011 Posts: 462 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,574 Thanked 1,562 Times in 380 Posts Rep Power: 0	i'm so excited i get to bake cookies with one of the most amazing femmes i know this holiday.

11-14-2011, 04:35 PM	#11
Apocalipstic Pink Confection How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, Ma'am Relationship Status: Dating Myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville Posts: 4,266 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,195 Thanked 11,362 Times in 2,838 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I really never thought about this until the reunion this year. Arwen started the Femme Brigade thread and it really made me think about my Femme friends and how we can support each other. Then being around my Femme friends at the reunion filled me with such love and support, I came home and am trying to reach out to Femme friends and aquaintances and be an ally. Love you Nat! Great thread! __________________

11-14-2011, 09:19 PM	#12
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,829 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	Femme alliances go deep. I don't have many close femme friendships but the ones i have, are deep.