Making Peace with Exes

[Bad_boi]

I make peace by staying away. Sure if I run into an ex I'll say hi but I will do my best not to be friends or be near them.

[stonewalldog]

Originally Posted by Bad_boi

I make peace by staying away. Sure if I run into an ex I'll say hi but I will do my best not to be friends or be near them.

I agree. That last one tried to gut me. She forgot that I have left everybody I have ever known. And, more importantly, I had the bomb codes. It has been a long time but I still can't think back on that breakup without feeling a snarl come on. Nah...there is no being friends with that two timing bitch!

[Sachita]

I really do try but lately I've been seeing another side to an ex from long ago. Apparently this was there all along and I refused to see it. It's also hard when years later a good friend tells you something you wish you hadn't heard. I am beginning to think that ex's are ex's for a reason.

[Ginger]

Nobody talks about lost friends as "exes," but I think it hurts just as much and sometimes more, to lose a friend than to lose a lover. The awkward negotiating of how to renew a damaged friendship is just as hard as trying to be friends with an ex—once trust is lost, or certain boundaries are crossed, it's sometimes just not worth it, and it's sometimes hard to know if it's worth it.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

Nobody talks about lost friends as "exes," but I think it hurts just as much and sometimes more, to lose a friend than to lose a lover. The awkward negotiating of how to renew a damaged friendship is just as hard as trying to be friends with an ex—once trust is lost, or certain boundaries are crossed, it's sometimes just not worth it, and it's sometimes hard to know if it's worth it.

Kinda nerdy but I'm quoting myself here because I've been thinking about my ex-friends, which loom as large for me in the constellation of my life as ex-lovers.

When I first wrote I was thinking about my friend D from more than ten years ago, a gay guy I was incredibly close with, but my partner was threatened by our friendship, and was sometimes rude to him, for example, when she answered the phone and passed it to me—which was a real break in character for her, because she was, above all else, polite, and very concerned with outward appearance.

Anyway it took years for me to not feel sad about losing that friendship. I wrote him three sad letters over the years, trying to renew the connection, and he ignored them. I saw him once on the subway, and he ignored me. It was so liberating, his zany braininess, the likes of which I have encountered so rarely in my life. That kind of fun is not fun to lose.

I was also thinking about a recent loss of a friend, who came back into my life not long after he left. I'm talking about my elderly friend that I go to readings with, who cut me off because of a misunderstanding generated by his alcoholic daughter. The details don't matter, what matters is that he wrote me a few weeks later and said, "I'm sorry I banished you from life—if that's indeed what I did," and our friendship resumed.

But it doesn't feel the same. I just don't feel the trust anymore. I always knew he was a high-maintenance, difficult little snot, but it never mattered till it was directed at me. Now I realize he could cut off our friendship at any moment, and knowing that has affected how much I can invest in the friendship emotionally. I try to have a good time when we go to readings but I feel a little bit like I'm walking on egg shells.

And I'm thinking of all this because tonight, I'm having dinner with a woman who was my best friend, and moved to L.A with her new husband three years ago. It was so hard for me when she moved. I cried every time I heard her voice on the phone. And it was awkward because it wasn't as hard for her, not at all. She was swamped with people to see, including her family, every time she came back to town, and never had time to see me one-on-one—ouch. But I just went with the flow, and didn't pressure her or make an issue out of it. I figured any kind of connection with her was better than none at all.

And tonight I'm seeing her like I always do, at a big group dinner in the East Village. So I have mixed feelings, but I'll keep them to myself.

I know this thread is supposed to be about exes who were lovers, but for me, friends are just as important in the long run and sometimes, more so, and when they become an "ex," it can be just as significant a transition to negotiate.

[imperfect_cupcake]

what a mire. normally I'm pretty good with staying on friendly terms. I have even tried to stay on friendly terms with my detached wife (divorce impending) but I have now realised I'm nuts for trying to be be friends with her.

I'm also trying to be friends, and actually we are very good friends, with the person I turned to after my wife fucked off and her wife fucked off. Unfortunately, there's always a bit of sexual tension floating around; that's never happened to me before by the way, this is a first. It can confuse me.

My detached wife just sort of pulled the final straw with me. I can't cope with this anymore. I can't cope with trying to pay rent on a two bedroom house by myself and I can't get a lodger because I'm a sex worker (prodomme, just for money, not cause that's my actual role in my relationships) and I don't want a stranger in my house especially when I'm stressed.

I'm tired, I've fallen way behind in school, I haven't done any writting for my book in weeks, I don't believe or trust that anyone would want me for keeps. They all find me sexy and interesting for a few months and then when faced with a real person and not some fantasy ideal, they fuck off.

I want to dump school, dump this house, and fuck off. Go home. I'm tired of trying by myself, I'm not a citizen here, I've been here for 9 fucking years busting my ass and I have NO idea why anymore.

If I go home... I'll have lots tons of friends, I'll have failed coming over here, I'll have qwuit school, but jesus at least it will be easier. I won't have a the threat of constantaly maybe not making rent.

I have no credit rating here. My mates all live fuck off away. My wife is a fucking wankrag, I can't get laid except by crazy people. I'm supporting myself by kicking people across the living room. and I don't know why I'm here, aside from school.

[bkisbutchenuff]

Background...(not on the planet and certain she will never be) my first ex - we were each others first and stayed together for 11 yrs. Both teachers. Around yr. 10 she decides shes NOT gay and has an affair with her Principal (a married man). Now, as you can imagine...I was devastated and we broke up...but again both being teachers in the same field, throughout the yrs., we've been forced into mutual professional situations. It took me about 10 yrs. to see past the hurt and pain. The last few years, we've been able to talk and attend functions together with ease. I've always respected her professionaly...
Speed forward to now...I get a call the other day from her. She asks if I want to visit a couple from our college days -they have now been married for about 20yrs. and have 4 kids. The husband is playing a gig who is a very talented musician. Without much thought, I said yes.
So, last night, here I am, sitting with my ex, his wife, at a drag racing strip in the middle of no where, listening to him play...kind of a waste of talent on his behalf, but nonetheless - doing what he has to do to support his family.
We laughed so much...reminicisning about college and the crazy times we had....
On the way home, about a two hour ride, we touched on the past...all that has occurred - but no doubt - we are on the same page...good friends who have each others backs...no turning back...
So...I guess it is possible in some situations....

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

what a mire. normally I'm pretty good with staying on friendly terms. I have even tried to stay on friendly terms with my detached wife (divorce impending) but I have now realised I'm nuts for trying to be be friends with her.

I'm also trying to be friends, and actually we are very good friends, with the person I turned to after my wife fucked off and her wife fucked off. Unfortunately, there's always a bit of sexual tension floating around; that's never happened to me before by the way, this is a first. It can confuse me.

My detached wife just sort of pulled the final straw with me. I can't cope with this anymore. I can't cope with trying to pay rent on a two bedroom house by myself and I can't get a lodger because I'm a sex worker (prodomme, just for money, not cause that's my actual role in my relationships) and I don't want a stranger in my house especially when I'm stressed.

I'm tired, I've fallen way behind in school, I haven't done any writting for my book in weeks, I don't believe or trust that anyone would want me for keeps. They all find me sexy and interesting for a few months and then when faced with a real person and not some fantasy ideal, they fuck off.

I want to dump school, dump this house, and fuck off. Go home. I'm tired of trying by myself, I'm not a citizen here, I've been here for 9 fucking years busting my ass and I have NO idea why anymore.

If I go home... I'll have lots tons of friends, I'll have failed coming over here, I'll have qwuit school, but jesus at least it will be easier. I won't have a the threat of constantaly maybe not making rent.

I have no credit rating here. My mates all live fuck off away. My wife is a fucking wankrag, I can't get laid except by crazy people. I'm supporting myself by kicking people across the living room. and I don't know why I'm here, aside from school.

HB, you wrote, "They all find me sexy and interesting for a few months and then when faced with a real person and not some fantasy ideal, they fuck off."

Ow, that hit home. I try to start as the "real person" but it just doesn't always happen that way. The way I see it, anyone who doesn't see the "real person" in you from the get-go is maybe blinded by something that doesn't have anything to do with you. But it disqualifies them from your attention, don't you think? Their loss, not yours.

I also know what it's like to feel like a failure. I always feel that way when a relationship ends, whether ending was something I wanted or not. And I've felt that way at times, around my work. But I don't hear a failure, in your words.

Not much to say here really, just admire how straight-on you see things, and how much I appreciate that you put it out there.