Making Peace with Exes

[skeeter_01]

*The women i mention have never been part of this site, i highly doubt they know that there is such a site*


I've only been in 2 serious relationships, well 3 if you count my first lover. Yeah, I guess she was a real relationship, I met her at work, (hence the rule I live by now...'ya don't shit where ya eat'!!).

I'd never been with a woman before, I'd never even allowed my mind to think about it! But damned if I didn't fall head over heels in love with her. Long story short i told her how I felt and for the next 3 months she "teased" me. It wasn't 'mean' kind of teasing..it was VERY sexual..damn!!

We FINALLY 'got together' and in a week she was gone, she couldn't deal with it. Iwas absolutely crushed. That was 28 years ago, she's been in 2 long term relationships with women and is now married to a man..
It turns out my bff is a very close friend of hers so due to this, we have become very good friends! And now it's MY turn to tease her! LoL!! Just like she did me! IF ya catch my drift!

My next relationship (about 3 years and MANY AA meetings later!) lasted for 7 years. We should have just been friends. I should have never had that kind of relationship with her. She was so loyal and generous! She was so generous that she bought me my first PC. She told me, "there's these things called 'chat rooms' and you can talk with people all over the world! You're gonna LOVE it!!"

She was right. I loved the chat rooms! I eventually found gay.com and I was off and running! I managed to meet someone and had an affair. I ended up leaving my partner for her. I'm so ashamed I did that to her!! I'll NEVER do that again!! I still haven't forgiven myself for that I'm so not sure that I ever will.

From what I understand, she has moved out of state and had twins with her partner. I've heard she is still very venomous when it comes to the subject of me.

I was with the 3rd one ("the affair"), for 14 years. We raised her 2 boys together and then karma raised it's ugly head, she is now with my ex best friend. I really thought we were "till death do us part". We had been married in our church! We were a family!

No, I'm not friends with her. I don't know if i ever will be.

I understand the venom that my second partner had! I feel the same way about the 3rd one and her current partner. I'm having a REAL hard time letting go of the anger I have towards both of them. Thinking about them everyday...being pissed.

Then a couple weeks ago, I was driving home from my mom's, she lives about 45 mins away by highway. The song "American Pie" was on and I had it turned up and was singing along when suddenly, I heard a voice..wait, I'm just gonna cut and paste what I posted about this incident on facebook..

i've been wrestling with a pretty big resentment and as the years go by...i seem to get more and more angry and resentful....today...i was driving south on 23...heading home from my moms...."american pie" by don maclean was on my ipod and i was singing along and suddenly...i had one of those..."God moments"...i actually heard myself reciting this:

...He said, in effect: "If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

seriously WHILE i was singing along with american pie!! where in the world have i heard that particular piece?

this is page 552 in the "Big Book of Alcoholics Annonymous"....

so now...i will pray....


So I did what it said, I prayed for them everyday. I asked that they have a loving, long lasting relationship. I haven't forgiven them but, I go 3 or 4 days without thinking about them! I'm begining to feel some peace...

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by skeeter_01

i've been wrestling with a pretty big resentment and as the years go by...i seem to get more and more angry and resentful....today...i was driving south on 23...heading home from my moms...."american pie" by don maclean was on my ipod and i was singing along and suddenly...i had one of those..."God moments"...i actually heard myself reciting this:

...He said, in effect: "If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

seriously WHILE i was singing along with american pie!! where in the world have i heard that particular piece?

this is page 552 in the "Big Book of Alcoholics Annonymous"....

so now...i will pray....


So I did what it said, I prayed for them everyday. I asked that they have a loving, long lasting relationship. I haven't forgiven them but, I go 3 or 4 days without thinking about them! I'm begining to feel some peace...

thanks for this. it's totally a great lesson. i'm gonna read it every day for a bunch of days.

[Bad_boi]

I make peace by staying away. Sure if I run into an ex I'll say hi but I will do my best not to be friends or be near them.

[stonewalldog]

Originally Posted by Bad_boi

I make peace by staying away. Sure if I run into an ex I'll say hi but I will do my best not to be friends or be near them.

I agree. That last one tried to gut me. She forgot that I have left everybody I have ever known. And, more importantly, I had the bomb codes. It has been a long time but I still can't think back on that breakup without feeling a snarl come on. Nah...there is no being friends with that two timing bitch!

[Sachita]

I really do try but lately I've been seeing another side to an ex from long ago. Apparently this was there all along and I refused to see it. It's also hard when years later a good friend tells you something you wish you hadn't heard. I am beginning to think that ex's are ex's for a reason.

[Ginger]

Nobody talks about lost friends as "exes," but I think it hurts just as much and sometimes more, to lose a friend than to lose a lover. The awkward negotiating of how to renew a damaged friendship is just as hard as trying to be friends with an ex—once trust is lost, or certain boundaries are crossed, it's sometimes just not worth it, and it's sometimes hard to know if it's worth it.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

Nobody talks about lost friends as "exes," but I think it hurts just as much and sometimes more, to lose a friend than to lose a lover. The awkward negotiating of how to renew a damaged friendship is just as hard as trying to be friends with an ex—once trust is lost, or certain boundaries are crossed, it's sometimes just not worth it, and it's sometimes hard to know if it's worth it.

Kinda nerdy but I'm quoting myself here because I've been thinking about my ex-friends, which loom as large for me in the constellation of my life as ex-lovers.

When I first wrote I was thinking about my friend D from more than ten years ago, a gay guy I was incredibly close with, but my partner was threatened by our friendship, and was sometimes rude to him, for example, when she answered the phone and passed it to me—which was a real break in character for her, because she was, above all else, polite, and very concerned with outward appearance.

Anyway it took years for me to not feel sad about losing that friendship. I wrote him three sad letters over the years, trying to renew the connection, and he ignored them. I saw him once on the subway, and he ignored me. It was so liberating, his zany braininess, the likes of which I have encountered so rarely in my life. That kind of fun is not fun to lose.

I was also thinking about a recent loss of a friend, who came back into my life not long after he left. I'm talking about my elderly friend that I go to readings with, who cut me off because of a misunderstanding generated by his alcoholic daughter. The details don't matter, what matters is that he wrote me a few weeks later and said, "I'm sorry I banished you from life—if that's indeed what I did," and our friendship resumed.

But it doesn't feel the same. I just don't feel the trust anymore. I always knew he was a high-maintenance, difficult little snot, but it never mattered till it was directed at me. Now I realize he could cut off our friendship at any moment, and knowing that has affected how much I can invest in the friendship emotionally. I try to have a good time when we go to readings but I feel a little bit like I'm walking on egg shells.

And I'm thinking of all this because tonight, I'm having dinner with a woman who was my best friend, and moved to L.A with her new husband three years ago. It was so hard for me when she moved. I cried every time I heard her voice on the phone. And it was awkward because it wasn't as hard for her, not at all. She was swamped with people to see, including her family, every time she came back to town, and never had time to see me one-on-one—ouch. But I just went with the flow, and didn't pressure her or make an issue out of it. I figured any kind of connection with her was better than none at all.

And tonight I'm seeing her like I always do, at a big group dinner in the East Village. So I have mixed feelings, but I'll keep them to myself.

I know this thread is supposed to be about exes who were lovers, but for me, friends are just as important in the long run and sometimes, more so, and when they become an "ex," it can be just as significant a transition to negotiate.