Gender Evolution - Your Coming of Age Stories

[WolfyOne]

Funny I should see this thread after coming from chat. I was telling someone in there that I was once asked me years ago to write about what it was like coming out in the 70's. I just looked through some old poetry pads and found the story I did, but never finished. Perhaps tomorrow I'll share what I wrote because I may never get around to finishing it.

Thanks for the thread Medusa, I'll be back to read and hopefully add something.

[Write14u]

I've discovered that it's amazing sometimes how much internalized homophobia we grow up with. As a kid in the 70s and 80s, there were no really positive queer role models (with apologies to Liberace and Elton John, everyone I knew just thought you were fruits).
The portrayal of dykes certainly made me not wanna grow up and be one.

That said ...
I distinctly remember being 9 or 10 and wishing I were a boy. I had such the crush on my sister's best friend (who is STILL amazing looking). In my 10-year-old mind, being a boy was how I got her.
I was such a huge tomboy and baby dyke growing up that I'm still amazed how I veered so far away from who I was. I'll attribute that to my very strict,, religious upbringing. Homosexuality was (and still is, in their minds) wrong. I heard it every other Sunday from the pulpit.
So tomboy that I was, I conformed to society's notions of a girl. Boy, was that horribly wrong in some ways (and I have the pictures to prove it. LMAO).

Fast forward to age 27. I was having major doubts about my sexuality. And then my best friend kissed me. Doubts over. *grin* My god, I felt more in that one kiss than I had ever felt with a guy at any time. I felt it to my toes. She used to make my freaking hands sweat. (and laugh at my ass because I was always wiping my hands on my jeans around her).

I always knew I was butch. But back to that internalized homophobia. There was a stereotype that went with stone butch back then and I didn't want to look that way or be recognized that way. My how times have changed. *grin* These days, I look like what always scared me. But I've come into who I really am and I love every second of it.

My family still isn't so accepting and god knows they hate my faux-hawked, short hair, men's clothes and attitude (and also that I'm a Democrat. LOL). But it doesn't bother me. I'm who I am and I'm loving just taking the freedom to be who I am -- inside and out. I've spent the past 13 years figuring it out and becoming comfortable in my skin. I'm no longer 10 thinking being a boy is the only way to get the girl, you know? Unlike some of my queer friends, I never felt like I was in the wrong body. I just knew I wanted the girl. *smile*

I'm a week shy of my 40th birthday and it's been a long road to get to where I am now. Long, but not as troubled a path as many tread and for that, I'm grateful. I've seen the struggles of others and I'm appreciative of what they've gone through and grateful for my road. With this comfort in myself comes great excitement for what's down the road from here, you know?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[Soon]

Originally Posted by Write14u

I've discovered that it's amazing sometimes how much internalized homophobia we grow up with. As a kid in the 70s and 80s, there were no really positive queer role models (with apologies to Liberace and Elton John, everyone I knew just thought you were fruits).
The portrayal of dykes certainly made me not wanna grow up and be one.

That said ...
I distinctly remember being 9 or 10 and wishing I were a boy. I had such the crush on my sister's best friend (who is STILL amazing looking). In my 10-year-old mind, being a boy was how I got her.
I was such a huge tomboy and baby dyke growing up that I'm still amazed how I veered so far away from who I was. I'll attribute that to my very strict,, religious upbringing. Homosexuality was (and still is, in their minds) wrong. I heard it every other Sunday from the pulpit.
So tomboy that I was, I conformed to society's notions of a girl. Boy, was that horribly wrong in some ways (and I have the pictures to prove it. LMAO).

Fast forward to age 27. I was having major doubts about my sexuality. And then my best friend kissed me. Doubts over. *grin* My god, I felt more in that one kiss than I had ever felt with a guy at any time. I felt it to my toes. She used to make my freaking hands sweat. (and laugh at my ass because I was always wiping my hands on my jeans around her).

I always knew I was butch. But back to that internalized homophobia. There was a stereotype that went with stone butch back then and I didn't want to look that way or be recognized that way. My how times have changed. *grin* These days, I look like what always scared me. But I've come into who I really am and I love every second of it.

My family still isn't so accepting and god knows they hate my faux-hawked, short hair, men's clothes and attitude (and also that I'm a Democrat. LOL). But it doesn't bother me. I'm who I am and I'm loving just taking the freedom to be who I am -- inside and out. I've spent the past 13 years figuring it out and becoming comfortable in my skin. I'm no longer 10 thinking being a boy is the only way to get the girl, you know? Unlike some of my queer friends, I never felt like I was in the wrong body. I just knew I wanted the girl. *smile*

I'm a week shy of my 40th birthday and it's been a long road to get to where I am now. Long, but not as troubled a path as many tread and for that, I'm grateful. I've seen the struggles of others and I'm appreciative of what they've gone through and grateful for my road. With this comfort in myself comes great excitement for what's down the road from here, you know?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I loved reading your story! Good for you for getting to a place where you feel comfortable--thank you for sharing!

So, are you out to your parents/family, and how did they respond being from such a religious/conservative family?

You said they "weren't so accepting", but I couldn't figure out if it was about the hair/dress or you being queer--and actually KNOWING that you are!

[Write14u]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I loved reading your story! Good for you for getting to a place where you feel comfortable--thank you for sharing!

So, are you out to your parents/family, and how did they respond being from such a religious/conservative family?

You said they "weren't so accepting", but I couldn't figure out if it was about the hair/dress or you being queer--and actually KNOWING that you are!

Thank you. *smile*

Well, on the "out to my family thing" ... we have a military relationship, my family and I. They don't ask and I don't tell. They know I'm queer. They don't like it. But I keep my life separate from them. (Mainly because I'm single, so there's nobody right there in my life for them to see.)
I think with them, they don't WANT to ask. When I was first coming out, I denied being queer. I think they know now that I wouldn't do that. And I wouldn't.

They're still not accepting of queerness in general, but the love me, you know? The reason they don't like the hair and how I dress is because it clearly identifies me as queer for all their friends to see. That's what they hate about that. I guess it was better when I was more closeted. (I just moved closer to them two years ago after living away for a long time).

[Soon]

Originally Posted by Write14u

Thank you. *smile*

Well, on the "out to my family thing" ... we have a military relationship, my family and I. They don't ask and I don't tell. They know I'm queer. They don't like it. But I keep my life separate from them. (Mainly because I'm single, so there's nobody right there in my life for them to see.)
I think with them, they don't WANT to ask. When I was first coming out, I denied being queer. I think they know now that I wouldn't do that. And I wouldn't.

They're still not accepting of queerness in general, but the love me, you know? The reason they don't like the hair and how I dress is because it clearly identifies me as queer for all their friends to see. That's what they hate about that. I guess it was better when I was more closeted. (I just moved closer to them two years ago after living away for a long time).

Thanks for your response. So, you haven't actually confirmed the fact that you are gay/queer to your family?

I ask b/c with my mother--I had to SPELL IT OUT FOR HER (she's hardcore RC). She didn't get it when I said Mich sleeps with me; she thought I meant sleepovers. I said, no, we are lovers. So, I had to COME OUT that way. (ten years ago, approx)

So, you haven't actually said the words? It was so hard for me; I thought she knew based on my closeness with Mich, but she SWEARS she thought it was all gf/gf (platonic friendship) stuff!

How do they know if you don't tell? B/c, lord knows, I had to TELL in order for her to GET IT!

I actually had to say, no, I am with her--she is my girlfriend--we sleep together--we are TOGETHER.

Well, then, that is another story!

P.S. On another note, is being queer and out only contingent on if you are with someone (for me it was--b/c I had only been in straight relationships with cisguys) ?

[Write14u]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

Thanks for your response. So, you haven't actually confirmed the fact that you are gay/queer to your family?

I ask b/c with my mother--I had to SPELL IT OUT FOR HER (she's hardcore RC). She didn't get it when I said Mich sleeps with me; she thought I meant sleepovers. I said, no, we are lovers. So, I had to COME OUT that way. (ten years ago, approx)

So, you haven't actually said the words? It was so hard for me; I thought she knew based on my closeness with Mich, but she SWEARS she thought it was all gf/gf (platonic friendship) stuff!

How do they know if you don't tell? B/c, lord knows, I had to TELL in order for her to GET IT!)

I actually had to say, no, I am with her--she is my girlfriend--we sleep together--we are TOGETHER.

Well, then, that is another story!

P.S. On another note, is being queer and out only contingent on if you are with someone (for me it was--b/c I had only been in straight relationships with cisguys) ?

Well, my mom said to me one time that I'd have more money if I didn't spend it on women. I'm PRETTY sure how she meant it. Yes, without asking, she knows, although I don't think that was the case when I first came out. My partner for six years was very beloved in my family, and I think they actually took it at face value that we were just friends and roommates. However, my mom did NOT like my second girlfriend. Her exact words to me were: "I don't like her. I don't like how she looks at you." (My then-gf looked at me like I was lunch. lol) Yeah, my mom gets it without me saying a word.

My dad? Not so sure. Not anything he'd ever say anyway. He's not that way.
My oldest sister? There's no way in hell she can read my FB every day, watch the different female friends of mine flirt with me, my responses, and not know. But she then ostriches it.
My youngest sister? She totally ostriches it.
They confronted me with it once...just a month or so after I came out. It totally freaked me out and I said no. I don't think they're ever going to ask me again. They know the truth.

No, I'm queer and out. And I think I look very queer. LOL In fact, I think I queer femmes when I'm with them. I look so damn dykey that people assume they are, as well. (Probably goes for my straight girlfriends, as well).
I just meant that being single, I'm not bringing anyone home for dinner, etc. So it makes it easy for them. They get to pretend for a while, you know?

[Soon]

Originally Posted by Write14u

Well, my mom said to me one time that I'd have more money if I didn't spend it on women. I'm PRETTY sure how she meant it. Yes, without asking, she knows, although I don't think that was the case when I first came out. My partner for six years was very beloved in my family, and I think they actually took it at face value that we were just friends and roommates. However, my mom did NOT like my second girlfriend. Her exact words to me were: "I don't like her. I don't like how she looks at you." (My then-gf looked at me like I was lunch. lol) Yeah, my mom gets it without me saying a word.

My dad? Not so sure. Not anything he'd ever say anyway. He's not that way.
My oldest sister? There's no way in hell she can read my FB every day, watch the different female friends of mine flirt with me, my responses, and not know. But she then ostriches it.
My youngest sister? She totally ostriches it.
They confronted me with it once...just a month or so after I came out. It totally freaked me out and I said no. I don't think they're ever going to ask me again. They know the truth.

No, I'm queer and out. And I think I look very queer. LOL In fact, I think I queer femmes when I'm with them. I look so damn dykey that people assume they are, as well. (Probably goes for my straight girlfriends, as well).
I just meant that being single, I'm not bringing anyone home for dinner, etc. So it makes it easy for them. They get to pretend for a while, you know?

In regards to your last question, no, I don't know about having them pretend (at least for too long) b/c I didn't have that experience of NOT telling b/c I was single--I have had relationships...and, sooner rather than later, I HAD to come out...(the first time, I thought she--my mother--knew).

The parts I underlined I am confused about. You say you came out...but I don't see it. You say "they know the truth" but I don't see where you actually told your family you were gay.

Is being OUT just letting our familes seeing us dress and act in a certain way and bringing our partners over to dinner (for years) w/o actually SAYING we are a couple? Personally, I don't think so. I could have brought my first two gfs over for years and years and my parents would have thought we were just *close* girlfriends.

I think to BE OUT to your family (at the least?) you have to say something like she is my gf or partner--we are a couple?

I don't think having others making assumptions about our appearance is verification of sexual or gender identity--there are many many people who would turn the notion of what a heterosexual or cisgendered person looks like on its head.

Looking queer doesn't mean being OUT is what I guess I am saying...esp. b/c I don't have ummm...any stereotypical *markers* (including past history) where my family may have known I was queer, I HAD to say the words.

[Soft*Silver]

I will do more in this thread tomorrow perhaps, but I just wanted to interject that not all femmes played with babydolls as little girls. Or at least, not in the traditional way....

case in point...

I buried my baby dolls. In my mother's garden.

I am sure Freud would have a field day with that tid bit....