Gender Evolution - Your Coming of Age Stories

[Write14u]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I loved reading your story! Good for you for getting to a place where you feel comfortable--thank you for sharing!

So, are you out to your parents/family, and how did they respond being from such a religious/conservative family?

You said they "weren't so accepting", but I couldn't figure out if it was about the hair/dress or you being queer--and actually KNOWING that you are!

Thank you. *smile*

Well, on the "out to my family thing" ... we have a military relationship, my family and I. They don't ask and I don't tell. They know I'm queer. They don't like it. But I keep my life separate from them. (Mainly because I'm single, so there's nobody right there in my life for them to see.)
I think with them, they don't WANT to ask. When I was first coming out, I denied being queer. I think they know now that I wouldn't do that. And I wouldn't.

They're still not accepting of queerness in general, but the love me, you know? The reason they don't like the hair and how I dress is because it clearly identifies me as queer for all their friends to see. That's what they hate about that. I guess it was better when I was more closeted. (I just moved closer to them two years ago after living away for a long time).

[Soon]

Originally Posted by Write14u

Thank you. *smile*

Well, on the "out to my family thing" ... we have a military relationship, my family and I. They don't ask and I don't tell. They know I'm queer. They don't like it. But I keep my life separate from them. (Mainly because I'm single, so there's nobody right there in my life for them to see.)
I think with them, they don't WANT to ask. When I was first coming out, I denied being queer. I think they know now that I wouldn't do that. And I wouldn't.

They're still not accepting of queerness in general, but the love me, you know? The reason they don't like the hair and how I dress is because it clearly identifies me as queer for all their friends to see. That's what they hate about that. I guess it was better when I was more closeted. (I just moved closer to them two years ago after living away for a long time).

Thanks for your response. So, you haven't actually confirmed the fact that you are gay/queer to your family?

I ask b/c with my mother--I had to SPELL IT OUT FOR HER (she's hardcore RC). She didn't get it when I said Mich sleeps with me; she thought I meant sleepovers. I said, no, we are lovers. So, I had to COME OUT that way. (ten years ago, approx)

So, you haven't actually said the words? It was so hard for me; I thought she knew based on my closeness with Mich, but she SWEARS she thought it was all gf/gf (platonic friendship) stuff!

How do they know if you don't tell? B/c, lord knows, I had to TELL in order for her to GET IT!

I actually had to say, no, I am with her--she is my girlfriend--we sleep together--we are TOGETHER.

Well, then, that is another story!

P.S. On another note, is being queer and out only contingent on if you are with someone (for me it was--b/c I had only been in straight relationships with cisguys) ?

[Write14u]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

Thanks for your response. So, you haven't actually confirmed the fact that you are gay/queer to your family?

I ask b/c with my mother--I had to SPELL IT OUT FOR HER (she's hardcore RC). She didn't get it when I said Mich sleeps with me; she thought I meant sleepovers. I said, no, we are lovers. So, I had to COME OUT that way. (ten years ago, approx)

So, you haven't actually said the words? It was so hard for me; I thought she knew based on my closeness with Mich, but she SWEARS she thought it was all gf/gf (platonic friendship) stuff!

How do they know if you don't tell? B/c, lord knows, I had to TELL in order for her to GET IT!)

I actually had to say, no, I am with her--she is my girlfriend--we sleep together--we are TOGETHER.

Well, then, that is another story!

P.S. On another note, is being queer and out only contingent on if you are with someone (for me it was--b/c I had only been in straight relationships with cisguys) ?

Well, my mom said to me one time that I'd have more money if I didn't spend it on women. I'm PRETTY sure how she meant it. Yes, without asking, she knows, although I don't think that was the case when I first came out. My partner for six years was very beloved in my family, and I think they actually took it at face value that we were just friends and roommates. However, my mom did NOT like my second girlfriend. Her exact words to me were: "I don't like her. I don't like how she looks at you." (My then-gf looked at me like I was lunch. lol) Yeah, my mom gets it without me saying a word.

My dad? Not so sure. Not anything he'd ever say anyway. He's not that way.
My oldest sister? There's no way in hell she can read my FB every day, watch the different female friends of mine flirt with me, my responses, and not know. But she then ostriches it.
My youngest sister? She totally ostriches it.
They confronted me with it once...just a month or so after I came out. It totally freaked me out and I said no. I don't think they're ever going to ask me again. They know the truth.

No, I'm queer and out. And I think I look very queer. LOL In fact, I think I queer femmes when I'm with them. I look so damn dykey that people assume they are, as well. (Probably goes for my straight girlfriends, as well).
I just meant that being single, I'm not bringing anyone home for dinner, etc. So it makes it easy for them. They get to pretend for a while, you know?

[Soon]

Originally Posted by Write14u

Well, my mom said to me one time that I'd have more money if I didn't spend it on women. I'm PRETTY sure how she meant it. Yes, without asking, she knows, although I don't think that was the case when I first came out. My partner for six years was very beloved in my family, and I think they actually took it at face value that we were just friends and roommates. However, my mom did NOT like my second girlfriend. Her exact words to me were: "I don't like her. I don't like how she looks at you." (My then-gf looked at me like I was lunch. lol) Yeah, my mom gets it without me saying a word.

My dad? Not so sure. Not anything he'd ever say anyway. He's not that way.
My oldest sister? There's no way in hell she can read my FB every day, watch the different female friends of mine flirt with me, my responses, and not know. But she then ostriches it.
My youngest sister? She totally ostriches it.
They confronted me with it once...just a month or so after I came out. It totally freaked me out and I said no. I don't think they're ever going to ask me again. They know the truth.

No, I'm queer and out. And I think I look very queer. LOL In fact, I think I queer femmes when I'm with them. I look so damn dykey that people assume they are, as well. (Probably goes for my straight girlfriends, as well).
I just meant that being single, I'm not bringing anyone home for dinner, etc. So it makes it easy for them. They get to pretend for a while, you know?

In regards to your last question, no, I don't know about having them pretend (at least for too long) b/c I didn't have that experience of NOT telling b/c I was single--I have had relationships...and, sooner rather than later, I HAD to come out...(the first time, I thought she--my mother--knew).

The parts I underlined I am confused about. You say you came out...but I don't see it. You say "they know the truth" but I don't see where you actually told your family you were gay.

Is being OUT just letting our familes seeing us dress and act in a certain way and bringing our partners over to dinner (for years) w/o actually SAYING we are a couple? Personally, I don't think so. I could have brought my first two gfs over for years and years and my parents would have thought we were just *close* girlfriends.

I think to BE OUT to your family (at the least?) you have to say something like she is my gf or partner--we are a couple?

I don't think having others making assumptions about our appearance is verification of sexual or gender identity--there are many many people who would turn the notion of what a heterosexual or cisgendered person looks like on its head.

Looking queer doesn't mean being OUT is what I guess I am saying...esp. b/c I don't have ummm...any stereotypical *markers* (including past history) where my family may have known I was queer, I HAD to say the words.

[Write14u]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

In regards to your last question, no, I don't know about having them pretend (at least for too long) b/c I didn't have that experience of NOT telling b/c I was single--I have had relationships...and, sooner rather than later, I HAD to come out...(the first time, I thought she--my mother--knew).

The parts I underlined I am confused about. You say you came out...but I don't see it. You say "they know the truth" but I don't see where you actually told your family you were gay.

Is being OUT just letting our familes seeing us dress and act in a certain way and bringing our partners over to dinner (for years) w/o actually SAYING we are a couple? Personally, I don't think so. I could have brought my first two gfs over for years and years and my parents would have thought we were just *close* girlfriends.

I think to BE OUT to your family (at the least?) you have to say something like she is my gf or partner--we are a couple?

I don't think having others making assumptions about our appearance is verification of sexual or gender identity--there are many many people who would turn the notion of what a heterosexual person looks like on its head.

Looking queer doesn't mean being OUT is what I guess I am saying...esp. b/c I don't have ummm...any stereotypical *markers* (including past history) where my family may have known I was queer, I HAD to say the words.

Sorry, didn't mean to be confusing.
I have never actually said to my family, "Hey, I'm queer, get over it."
My family, however, is aware of it.
No, I don't think being out is about what I wear, etc. I used to keep my orientation quiet...with my first partner and all. Since then, I haven't been in a long-term relationship that required bringing it up to my family.
That's kind of what I mean about them being in pretend mode right now. And what I meant about them not wanting to ask me now. If I have a partner in my life at any time, I will proudly call them my partner and take them around my family.

[Gemme]

My family's the same way as Write's is. Very much DADT and very reserved. I know my dad knows. He picked up the phone one night when I was talking with my gf at the time. Oh, he knows. But he will NOT speak of it. It's not his way. Part of it is him being a Southern Baptist and part of it is just him. He's very limited in how he shows his emotions, if he ever does.

[Write14u]

Originally Posted by Gemme

My family's the same way as Write's is. Very much DADT and very reserved. I know my dad knows. He picked up the phone one night when I was talking with my gf at the time. Oh, he knows. But he will NOT speak of it. It's not his way. Part of it is him being a Southern Baptist and part of it is just him. He's very limited in how he shows his emotions, if he ever does.

Yes, what she said. *grin*

[Soft*Silver]

I will do more in this thread tomorrow perhaps, but I just wanted to interject that not all femmes played with babydolls as little girls. Or at least, not in the traditional way....

case in point...

I buried my baby dolls. In my mother's garden.

I am sure Freud would have a field day with that tid bit....