Being Friends with an Ex - How Long

[Deirdre]

Some people like to make clean breaks and call it a day. Others like to salvage what they can. I identify more with the latter, than the former. But not every post-relationship friendship works out the same, and some may take longer than others to make that transition. I have been relatively fortunate to have remained on good terms with most of my exes. It hasn't always been easy for new relationships, which I can sometimes understand, but I'm pretty adamant about not killing my past for the comfort of someone else.

My last relationship of 4 years was able to make that transition, though admittedly, it is still a little difficult and awkward. The adjustment isn't always easy to accept -- for either party -- regardless of how or who may have ended it. Old habits and such, I suppose.

I guess one of the most significant reasons I try to keep people in my life is that to me, it feels like such a waste to have shared so much with someone, only to relegate them to absence. In some cases, this is unavoidable, but where applicable, I do what I can to retain some semblance of friendship.

[girl_dee]

In my own feelings, I don't look at the good times as now being wasted because they are absent from my life, I embrace those times, try to let go of the icky times and move on. I also try (TRY) to say what could I have done differently, and learn from it.

There is only one person from my past that I have excluded from my life completely, each time she contacts me it confirms that I did the right thing in leaving her because she is still a royal mess, and I just don't need that in my life, I wish her well but I don't care to be part of the pity party, and I refuse to believe I am at fault for her reckless state.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I’m still friends with all but one of my ex.s…. I accept there were reasons the relationships didn’t work out and that is OK! I hold no malice or hatred because it’s too much energy and I only end up hurting myself more in the long run, which then stops me from living my life and being happy.

I feel we were in each others lives for a reason and I wouldn’t want to change that because we meant something to each other; we laughed, we had good times, we cried and we explored our worlds as a couple and as individuals within a relationship.

Even those I’ve dated and it’s not been anything more than a few dates, I’m still friendly with and in social gatherings I will chat too them.

I’m not by nature the type of person to deliberately ignore or hate an ex because it hurt me deeply when a long term relationship ends….I will distance myself from them for a while until I’ve healed enough to allow myself and them back into my life on a friendship level.

If an ex finds herself someone else, I AM genuinely happy for her, even if I’m still single. Although, I understand the concept of jealousy, I don’t feel the emotion and always hope it works out for them both.

[smouldering]

I think for me, i have to take each individual experience and go from there, How close we were, how the relationship played out and how it ended really determines how long it takes me to get to the point where i want to be friends or if i can even feel comfortable being friends with an ex.
I have an ex that we did maintain a friendship, but after they got involved with someone new, their new partner had issues with our friendship and so it ended.
I only have two ex's that i would never consider a friendship with and it has a lot to do with their behavior during our break up and how they act currently.

[Vlasta]

I personally believe if it's possible to be friend with my ex . it great . Which doesn't mean we are in each other live on daily bases . If we were worth it to share bed and had some feeling for each other it's worth a friend relationship for me .

I would never bring my ex into my present relationship , but exchange happy birthday , holiday cards it's really ok with me . Since I am single right now , I have more communication and support from my ex's . I do appreciate it .

Not all relations ships have to ended in bad way .

[jac]

I've always tried to maintain friendship with my exes, they were my friends before they were my lover and that in itself reassures me that I am okay with being friends to this day. However, I've noticed the one's that I was in a relationship with for short amounts of time are the ones that have faded away over time. The two that I was in long term (6yrs and 7yrs) are the two that are my best friends now. The 6yr relationship ended 12 years ago and the 7yr relationship ended 3 years ago. I can ask either of these women for anything and they are right there for me, and visa versa. I find it's a sore spot for new relationships for me to have this friendship with them but I try to reassure the new or existing relationship is that these women are my exes for a reason... I never go back to exes. But I never let go of a good friend either cause true friends are very rare in this lifetime... And as quickly as it was to get over the hurt of the breakups, both were only about two weeks before we realized we could maintain our friendships.

[kittygrrl]

I've managed it, but it's a delicate matter especially if you were the one who broke it off first. As said, depending on the circumstances but, I think if you're both mature adults and there is no betrayal (ie cheating) involved, it's very possible. A former ex (of mine) happens to be a very trusted friend and I value her wisdom and we talk often.

[imperfect_cupcake]

this is a hard question. especially now that my marriage is over due to betrayal. I miss her family, it's the only one I've got over here. I miss my boys (the cats) and I miss the house. I@m seething angry at what she did. But I also know that she is kind and generous to her friends. I married her for a very good reason. If she can ever get round to admitting she was wrong, what she did was wrong, understanding what her behaviour has done to not only me but her family, my family, our little household, our mutual friends (they are heart broken and shocked and very upset) - if she can be big enough to face up to it, own it and understand the full impact of her behaviour and apologise for it, then when she is no longer with the person she left with, I can be friends. And I would like to be. But not until those things happen. I still care for her very much but I need to know she can own her shit before a friendship can happen.

[PumaJ]

I have three exes with whom I'm still friends. One I've been good friends with for at least 35 yrs, one for 15 or 16 yrs, the last for about 9 yrs.

Even an ex I felt the betrayed by I stayed friends with, after a period of healing time, for several years until her chronic health condition got the best of her.

There are about three exes with whom I have zero contact because the relationships turned so ugly & the endings were so awful that healing was impossible.

[hopelessromantic69]

The list is not long, but I have a decent relationship with all of my ex's. My ex husband of 9 years (who is staying with me for the holidays to see our boys and is nice enough to be doing the dishes right now lol), my ex partner of 10 years and the very few after that who have enriched my life in one way or another. One was a pain in my ass but it was worth it

It really comes down to maturity. I believe two mature people can depart without getting nasty as long as each person owns their stuff and doesnt try and blame the other for all the woes of the relationship.

It takes time to heal and minimal contact might be wise if there are hard feelings.

[Rivkeh]

Sometimes I have been able to and sometimes not, it depends on the circumstances at the time and the relationship. Ideally I think it's a great option if you can, considering all the time you may have spent together, and the experiences you have been through.

[starryeyes]

I am friends with all my exs except one. It just depends on the person I guess. I undertand why it is hard though. Watching someone that you love move on and form other relationships is challenging.

[Quintease]

I initially cut all contact when my relationships end. I need the time to recover and move on. The longer it takes for my ex to accept that, the longer it'll be before we're friends again. To be honest though, none of my friendships have ever lasted after a breakup. We stay friends for a while but eventually drift apart. It probably doesn't help that I (or they) keep moving. There are two exes that I will never ever be friends with, one because she stole from me after we broke up, the other because she stole from me and lied to me while we were still together. They are both dead to me.

My longest ever relationship to end, 5 years, we really struggled to breakup and consequently it took us 3 years to be friends again. We're really only Facebook friends now.

My husbands much the same as me, so we have a relatively blissful ex-free relationship.