Same Sex Marriage and Divorce

[JDeere]

I looked and didn't see a thread for marriage and divorce in the same thread!

Why do you want to get married? What will happen if it doesn't work out, will you divorce or try to make a break amicable as possible?

With this being said since same sex marriage is now legal, all married couples who want to divorce NOW adhere to the world of what was mainly for heterosexuals, you get a lawyer, deal with paperwork, etc.

All opinions welcome!

[JDeere]

Bump bump bump.

[Angeltoes]

I've been married and it cured me of the desire to ever do it again. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a forever relationship, but it's really just a daydream. I'm okay with it not being in the cards for me. I can have a happy life without ever finding the one.

Okay, I guess I'm supposed to add something about the divorce procedure? It's was a nightmare, of course. I see nothing romantic about 'making it legal.' I do like fancy parties though. I wouldn't mind having one of those.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I got married in Holland to my Dutch wife. We are divorced. We had one solicitor for the both of us, just to do the paper work. I could have gotten seven years of alimony from my wife because of the circumstances and reasons for the divorce. I didn't take it, I said no (though occasionally when I was eating pancakes for dinner and lunch and no milk or sugar for my coffee and having to sneak onto the train because I had no train fare while I was a student I kicked myself....). It was a very, very easy divorce because as much as I hated it, as much as I wanted her to suffer (at the time) I knew that it was wrong to be venidctive.

However, one of my exes took her wife to court and because she (my ex) raised the kid at home and was a house spouse for 8 years while her partner worked, she did wind up with a large package of money because her partner was fooling around and took off for a few months to "find herself" and left her with the kid. It looked quite bad to the court, doing that. They charged abondonment.

So. Now if you do get married, and you decide to play silly buggers and fuck knuckle about, your partner will be able to rip you clean, financially. And will.

So, best to no be an arse if you sign a legal bit of paper. I *could* have had part of my exes earnings for seven years because of her behaviour. So... Play nice.

Yes, I would get married again. No I would never live with someone again. Not only can I play bagpipes at 3am if I feel like it, keeping seperate abodes makes the legal separation much easier, should it occur.

[Shystonefem]

I went through a nasty divorce well over a year ago. If I got married again (and that is a HUGE if), I would wait at least 4 or 5 years just to give it enough time for the honeymoon period to be over.

I know who I am and I know what I want. I will never settle again or be fooled by anyone.

Eight now, I am taking care of my sister, my son and his family are moving into my home, I (unintentionally) manifested a business of sorts and I just got back to the real me (I am meditating again, etc) and I am in school.

Life is weird for me right now so, as much as I would love someone to spend the weekend in PTOWN with me or visit Boston for a weekend, I cannot see myself committing right now.

So, I guess the short answer is I don't know.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Hmmmmmm

I married my daughter's father with no thought to divorce, but 8 years later I couldn't live the hetro lie anymore, and I was hurting a very nice man. We actually stayed married another 2 years after, so that he could claim 1/2 my social security amount (he made very little $) should he not remarry.

When we divorced, we had lawyers for the paperwork but there was no fight. We went together to an all day class on making children (required in California) your priority through all of the pain of divorce. I was given full legal custody, with him having unlimited visitation rights, and joint physical custody....I asked for him to provide medical insurance until she was 18, and I refused all child and spousal support.

When my daughter went to stay with her dad, I sent along bags of food, and money for activities. When she was very young she was unaware of this arrangement, but I knew how financially strapped he was. Never, in the entire time since we parted has either one of us said one nasty word about the other parent, and he is to this day a major part of her life.

That being said, unless someone is being abused I do not believe in divorce. I wake up every single day and choose to be with my wife. For better, for worse are not just words to me....I fight every day to keep my marriage strong and healthy. I had the example of my grandparents to learn from...married 60 years when he passed away. They had good times, bad times, raised 5 children together....they worked hard at having their life together.

I know there is nothing you can do when one person is an ass and just leaves...I certainly don't blame the wronged partner. What I refer to is people that just decide things are too hard and start looking for a way out...I think that is a real shame.

My wife and I have been together nearly 14 years, married since 7/3/08...there will be no divorce! There are many wonderful days, and there are some not terrific times. There has been death, financial boom and crisis, health issues, child care arguments....on and on.

Marriage is not for the weak, or wishy washy...if you are not 100% sure you are willing to give it your all, why bother?

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

Hmmmmmm

I married my daughter's father with no thought to divorce, but 8 years later I couldn't live the hetro lie anymore, and I was hurting a very nice man. We actually stayed married another 2 years after, so that he could claim 1/2 my social security amount (he made very little $) should he not remarry.

When we divorced, we had lawyers for the paperwork but there was no fight. We went together to an all day class on making children (required in California) your priority through all of the pain of divorce. I was given full legal custody, with him having unlimited visitation rights, and joint physical custody....I asked for him to provide medical insurance until she was 18, and I refused all child and spousal support.

When my daughter went to stay with her dad, I sent along bags of food, and money for activities. When she was very young she was unaware of this arrangement, but I knew how financially strapped he was. Never, in the entire time since we parted has either one of us said one nasty word about the other parent, and he is to this day a major part of her life.

That being said, unless someone is being abused I do not believe in divorce. I wake up every single day and choose to be with my wife. For better, for worse are not just words to me....I fight every day to keep my marriage strong and healthy. I had the example of my grandparents to learn from...married 60 years when he passed away. They had good times, bad times, raised 5 children together....they worked hard at having their life together.

I know there is nothing you can do when one person is an ass and just leaves...I certainly don't blame the wronged partner. What I refer to is people that just decide things are too hard and start looking for a way out...I think that is a real shame.

My wife and I have been together nearly 14 years, married since 7/3/08...there will be no divorce! There are many wonderful days, and there are some not terrific times. There has been death, financial boom and crisis, health issues, child care arguments....on and on.

Marriage is not for the weak, or wishy washy...if you are not 100% sure you are willing to give it your all, why bother?

<3 indeed.

I actually agree with all of that. Cept I just want my own private little hamster cage to play bagpipes in at 3am. I'm very greedy and stubborn about personal space now. But I totally agree. Even with her shit wit behaviour, her affair and her drinking, I was willing to forgive and work on it if she could make the bloody effort. She didn't want to. So she left. And according to the courts, that would have cost her seven years of financial support. It's really rare I talk to people who have my same value of marriage, and I always love to hear you talk about yours

[Shystonefem]

My ex sent me a few texts last night calling me a skank and nasty. That just may have changed my mind from I don't know to definitely no. LMAO

[CherylNYC]

I don't know you, so I apologise in advance if my unsolicited advice is unwelcome. Do yourself a favor and block her number! It's not OK speak to another person like that.

Originally Posted by Shystonefem

My ex sent me a few texts last night calling me a skank and nasty. That just may have changed my mind from I don't know to definitely no. LMAO

[~ocean]

Originally Posted by Shystonefem

My ex sent me a few texts last night calling me a skank and nasty. That just may have changed my mind from I don't know to definitely no. LMAO

(((((( shy ))))))) if Jesus can resurrect so can't u lol ~ move on after all these years you have more to offer than this

[JDeere]

I personally am 50 50 on the marriage deal, 50% says yes and 50% says no because I know what a divorce entails and I am not ready to deal with that.

It's bad enough when you break up but to have to mess with a judge,lawyers, etc just doesn't appeal to me in the least bit.

[TL1]

I am for it under the right circumstances. there are "if's and but's" however but it comes down to yes for me. Not something I sit around craving but with the right person I might.
Not a decision to be taken lightly by any means. I see too many people making this decision on a whim. Trying to keep someone and not using their brains. I think taking the time and really looking at things and really knowing someone..being sure this is someone you are willing to work with and fight for and it can work.
Also I think most marriages don't work... so that's why the seriousness of the situation needs to be in place by both people.

[Soon]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

So. Now if you do get married, and you decide to play silly buggers and fuck knuckle about, your partner will be able to rip you clean, financially. And will.

So, best to no be an arse if you sign a legal bit of paper. I *could* have had part of my exes earnings for seven years because of her behaviour. So... Play nice.

Regarding divorce and financial settlements due to adultery.

In many regions, infidelity has no bearing on the settlement. For example, in Ontario, adultery can be grounds for a divorce (or a one year separation or mental/physical cruelty); however, it will have absolutely no effect on the Court's decision regarding division of property or the affording of support. I know this is true in the USA as well with many States (not all for example NY is one where adultery can be taken into consideration I think) being 'no fault' divorce. Basically, a person can be cheating for an entire marriage and this will have no bearing on the court's division of assets between the couple or the awarding of support. In a judgement of alimony or support, courts take other factors into consideration including length of marriage, ability of one party to find work, lifestyle during the marriage etc. but adultery cannot be used to a a means to determine the amount granted.

I think the UK is different in this regard where adultery may afford the injured party more of a settlement.

[meridiantoo]

There was a time I was excited about getting married, wanted it very much, and looked forward to that day. It was part of a naive fairy tale that most girls grow up with. I came to realize this, re-evaluated my notions of marriage, family, level of commitment to my g/f, etc. What I came to realize is that I don't *need* marriage anymore. I don't *need* the ceremony, the rings, the nuptials, the legal binding of our relationship to make me feel committed, loved, safe, and secure. It is not the culmination of our relationship, anymore than any one thing is. It is not the dream come true into reality that will change anything from the way it is now at this moment. I would be no more committed to my g/f, no more in love, no more ready to spend the rest of my life with her if we were to marry. The only thing that would change, and this is what I fear, is if our relationship turned sour, if we grew in separate ways, and need to follow our own individual paths, not only would I have to deal with the heartbreak of losing my partner, but now I would also have to deal with legalities, red tape, financial considerations, all of the stuff that seems to bring out the worst in many people, and just like you said, JD, I'm not ready to deal with all that, and I'm not sure any of us can ever prepare for it per se, other than by anticipating that as a possible outcome. If you consider divorce as a possible outcome, then to me, I'm not sure that means you are wise as much as it means you doubt your partner and/or marriage in some way, on some level. And, if you do, then I don't know that marriage should be an option.

I have seen the most loving couples turn vile and do things no one ever considered they would. It's the pain, the hurt, the betrayal. It's dealing with a reality you never expected or wanted. It's a scary thing to possibly face.

If my relationship ended, I would try to be as amicable as possible. To negate all we have and have shared by turning into some hissing viper is not something I want, nor does she want that, I'm sure. But, I cannot control what she does. If we do ever marry, divorcing would only happen in very extreme circumstances - abuse, total loss of love to the point of almost hating, cheating.

It's important for us to know ourselves well enough to be able to make the best decisions we can for ourselves. I think so many marry for reasons that destine a relationship to fail - thinking you will be bound to that person forever, no matter what. Not wanting to be lonely. Thinking your true soul mate will never show up. We do not make the best decisions for ourselves when we operate out of fear.

[Amulette]

I was married and divorced when I was younger. With there being children involved the emotions were heightened for me. The break up was much more amiable than the divorce. We were friends for years after the break up, the divorce finished us. I think it's probably best to write up the divorce agreement with the marriage agreement while you are still friends, then stick to it. Tucked away in the "what if" file.

I'm not sure if I would marry again or not. There would have to be a good reason for it, or why do it? If you were marrying to protect one another sharing property or benefits I can see that. I'm shaking my head realizing marriage is no longer about love for me. Love is about love. Marriage is a legal document with consequences. Wow, I feel like a buzz kill ....

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Soon

Regarding divorce and financial settlements due to adultery.

In many regions, infidelity has no bearing on the settlement. For example, in Ontario, adultery can be grounds for a divorce (or a one year separation or mental/physical cruelty); however, it will have absolutely no effect on the Court's decision regarding division of property or the affording of support. I know this is true in the USA as well with many States (not all for example NY is one where adultery can be taken into consideration I think) being 'no fault' divorce. Basically, a person can be cheating for an entire marriage and this will have no bearing on the court's division of assets between the couple or the awarding of support. In a judgement of alimony or support, courts take other factors into consideration including length of marriage, ability of one party to find work, lifestyle during the marriage etc. but adultery cannot be used to a a means to determine the amount granted.

I think the UK is different in this regard where adultery may afford the injured party more of a settlement.

I guess I was thinking more in regards to my own situation and those of a fair many I know which is deemed abandonment. In those cases the person who abandons someone, it's quite often deemed they are financially responsible for the person they abandoned to at least some degree.

I have no idea about the US, but in BC and in the UK, I do know that is the case. I won't be living in the US so it's not something I'll have to worry about.

The thing is, when marriage wasn't legal there was far less worry about how ones behaviour impacted their lives in terms of legal responsibility. Frankly, I am happy that legal marriage makes people think about the type commitment people are making.

Want an out? In BC don't live together for more than two years, don't file taxes together, and don't get married.

If the person you are with refuses to do any of those things and you want a commitment, it's likely you won't be getting one.

[MsTinkerbelly]

For *me*, marriage was a way for my relationship to be protected legally...but for *me*, marriage, the piece of paper and the commitment in front of my friends/family/higher power, changed EVERYTHING.

I felt different about my relationship, I feel different about the amount of myself I will give to make it all work. There is no longer the ability to just walk away without repercussions, there is a vow to stick it out and give it your all, even when you don't want to anymore.

Everything changes...things get more real...things get uglier...things improve...things evolve. If you're really lucky, your relationship becomes a living and breathing thing that brings you comfort and great joy.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by JDeere

I personally am 50 50 on the marriage deal, 50% says yes and 50% says no because I know what a divorce entails and I am not ready to deal with that.

It's bad enough when you break up but to have to mess with a judge,lawyers, etc just doesn't appeal to me in the least bit.

I was in a relationship where it took me three years to fully understand that the other person was completely delusional, so I would say not to get married until after 3 years

In a LDR/relocation situation I wouldn't even start that clock until a year after the move.

I'm all for long engagements, though. A significant rock can go a long way towards incentivizing patience in situations where one partner may feel more ready than the other-- it worked on me for 2.5 years, and it wouldn't have taken a lawyer to undo if things had gone south

[weatherboi]

She still hasn't put a ring on it. Not sure what is holding her back.

[*Anya*]

For the longest time, I wanted to get married again. When I thought about it, it was more of the fantasy of my GF asking me to marry her (probably not on bended knee-it would be hard to get up after knee surgery), being given the engagement ring and having the wedding with a white dress and a veil, with friends and family all around.

When I was a kid, my friends and I would practice "Wedding" all the time, even if the veil was a towel.

Then I got older and got married at 18, basically to escape my parents. Marriage to him was not as fun as how I imagined it as a child.

Though he left two kids later, he refused to pay for the divorce.

California has had no-fault divorce since around 1970. I just wanted child support (which he only paid for a year- $200 per month) so eventually, I found a lawyer that would file the papers for a really low fee and we divorced.

My ideal of a fantasy wedding has faded over time. My love for her has not faded but it scares me to think of really doing it. I don't know why but I know that having any fear, irrational or not, is a red flag for marrying.

I think I will keep it as it is.

I do want to say that I was as happy as I ever have been the day the Supreme Court stated that the Constitution guaranteed the right to equal marriage.

I also still love to go to weddings.