Breaking it down - describe the Femme that you are

l'Cie · 04-20-2016, 01:45 AM

I am a Femme. Albeit a delayed one.
I am independent. Self-sufficient. Worthy. No I don't always feel that way but in the darkest part of my soul...I just know.
I am fiercely loyal. If I care about you, then I will always care about you. Even if my back bears the scars of your betrayal. Be warned though...when you stab me, I will come at you with a machete and carry on caring afterwards.
When I hurt, I hurt deeply. But my heart is ever-forgiving nonetheless.
I'm a dork. A nerd. A geek. And awfully proud of it.
I prefer a couch and cuddles to a party and love nature and all it's wonder. Except spiders. And locusts. And frogs. The trees. I like nature's trees.
I sing when I bake. I sing when I'm sad. I sing when I sketch. I love sketching. I don't know where it comes from or how it got there. But I love it.
I still use frequent hand gestures when explaining something that excites me and still make grabby hands when I see something that excites me even more (stuffies! I'm a stuffie hoarder. And games.)
I am a Gemini. Which with me, means an idea is usually followed by an even better idea (eg Take a nap...noooo let's have a cookie or four first before that nap) and laughter at inappropriate times
Exercise calms me. So does killing a hoard of demons in Diablo 3 and writing.
I love helping others. It makes me so happy. Being nice to someone just because I've been given another day to do so.

I am a totally weird introvert who's just working hard at being me

FemmeTastic · 04-21-2016, 01:12 PM

I always knew I wasn't like the other girls when I grew up.

At age 6 I already knew I wasn't getting married ever, and never wanted to have children either, of course, at the time I believed that marrying is something I could only do with men. Things in my perception have changed since then, and I was very happy to say yes to my handsome butch love of my life last year

As a little girl, against all hopes of my mother to not raise me stereotypically female, I preferred the dolls, the glitter and the dresses over the toy train, balls and pants. She had been raised to be a girly girl and hated it, and promised herself to not do that to her own daughter one day, but I ended up being the girliest girl you could imagine, entirely voluntarily.

At age 12 I happened to watch my first movie with Butch-Femme-dynamics, (Bound - has been a favorite ever since. You might wonder, how did I get my hands on that movie at age 12, well, I grew up in Colombia and went to visit my uncle, he and I wanted to watch a movie so we went to rent one. Medellín being the criminal city it was back then, all the video rentals were closed with bars, so you had to ask for a particular movie or a genre, and they would go and find it for you and hand it to you through the bars. We asked for a mafia or thief movie hahaha, and they gave us Bound) and not even knowing of the existence of the word lesbian, at the sight of the Femme I felt admiration and a feeling of "I want to be as beautiful as her" and at the sight of the Butch, I got red glowing cheeks and for the first time felt something like arousal.

At age 17 I bravely went to lesbian parties all by myself, dolled up and wearing high heels, only to be called hetty by the other guests. Over and over again. Sometimes being refused entrance to parties with the words "Sorry this is a lesbian party". At age 18 I made the decision to never change who I am, despite the exclusion within the lesbian community; I decided to be true to myself, which is being as feminine as it gets! I proudly continued to wear my dresses amongst the feminists who would condemn me for it, accusing me of "emulating the heteronormative ideal of beauty". And despite their judgment, I continued to be an active feminist, and didn't allow my sense of beauty to be manipulated, not from straight folks and certainly not from my own ranks.

I get a lump in my throat when someone speaks disparagingly of Butches and female masculinity, when the kind of humans that happens to be one of the most beautiful to me, is under attack, I hurt. I defend Butches in their absence when that happens, although I wouldn't have to, although I get offered a bitter pill of recognition, in the form of a "compliment": "You don't look gay at all, that's really cool, I mean, not like those masculine lesbians, that's so unattractive, who wants to walk around like that."

I'm the femme who despite the looks of men which I find to be encroaching and uncomfortable, doesn't downgrade how she styles herself. My makeup, my clothes, my hair, my gestures, my movements, they are all what the masses think is some sort of act to enchant men, when it is, in fact, the absolute opposite ... I do not like men, because Femme is my identity. Woman, in the traditional sense, is to me a female that sees herself in any way in relation and contrast to man. I don't. Men as a sex don't play a role in my life. I have a few male friends, but they aren't an energy I need. My sexuality, my lifestyle, my identity, my feelings, my acts and my thinking, do not incorporate men.
Genderwise I see myself not as the counterpart to man, but to Butch.
Therefore, to me, being Femme means to remain childless. I have a different form of femininity, motherhood does not belong to me. Please understand that I'm trying to explain my gender here, I am by no means saying that a mother can't be a Femme and viceversa. Not. at. all.

I see other Femmes as my sisters, as allies rather than competitors. I can rarely have friendships with Butches because they touch/move me on a sexual, intimate level. I naturally keep a distance from Butches with whom I'm not in a relationship, affair or flirting. I can recognize a Butch with just a glance. It's the way we look at each other when we meet by chance, it is a look that says everything, and makes me feel, even if only for a moment, at home. Such moments can nourish me for years, can comfort, soothe and heal me when once again I am being marginalized on a lesbian party with words such as "what is the barbie doing here? She lost?". Or if macho lesbians grab my butt. Or grab me against my will and press their body onto mine. These moments with Butches that are marked by so much appreciation and respect, help me to remember that we exist. Although we are rare.

I am a self-sufficient, strong person. I am emotionally, financially and mentally able to provide for myself. I don't need anybody to organize my move or to screw my shelves to the wall, or to work on my tax return or to make decisions for me. Only for the cruelty free removal of spiders, that's where I take all the help I can get

My appearance is at odds with the perception people outside the B/F-community have of me. I come out in an endless loop. Again and again and again do I have to explain why I don't want to have a husband, why is my partner so masculine, why do I not at least have a girlfriend as feminine as I am...
In a world that doesn't understand any of that, I continue to follow my own heart, my own core. Undeterred by all which is thrown in my face.
Being Latina doesn't help. I have literally no Latinx community left. Being a VERY feminine woman in Colombia is expected. When I show up with my Butch partner, the looks are unbearable and make me ashamed of my community, so I want to spare my partner their bigotry.
I like my Butch to be very masculine in the way she carries herself, I love a deep voice, and a very masculine clothing style. I love the contrast between her and me. I'm very territorial when it comes to my femininity and I love how my partner doesn't show the slightest interest in any of my girly things. Not my make-up, not my perfume, not my clothes, not my jewelry.
Before coming out to myself as a Femme in relation to Butch, I used to identify as lesbian and dated lesbian women, who were sometimes only slightly less feminine than I am. It always felt wrong, it often felt like I was doing something unnatural. For ages I believed I had a severe case of internalized homophobia, until I finally understood that I wasn't feeling natural, because I just simply hadn't allowed myself to really go for the kind of person that made my knees weak and took my breath away: Butches. Ever since I stopped dating androgynous and more feminine lesbians a couple of years ago, I feel like my inside and my outside finally match. I feel like the budding flower of my soul finally bloomed.

Other than that, I'm of course packed with a thousand different qualities good and bad, but they have little to do with the Femme aspects of me, and are more about the human aspects of me. So I'll save those for another thread and another occasion, especially given the length of this post.

Thank you beautiful Femmes, for sharing your stories, your emotions and experiences here, you're such a beautiful bunch of people, reading all those entries has made me feel so proud to be a part of the Femme tribe, has made me feel honored to be amongst such gorgeous human beings.

FemmeTastic · 04-21-2016, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FemmeTastic

... I do not like men, because Femme is my identity.

Ugh, I have a typo here, and can't go back to edit my post. I meant to say:
"I do not want to make men like me, because Femme ist my identity."

I blame it on the almost full moon. Probably some sort of freudian slip...

Nat · 09-11-2017, 09:40 PM

I think maybe these days I don't feel like a femme anymore. I felt so solidly femme for a long while - even with my gender stuff which is sort of dual. But I cut my hair off a year ago and I feel weird lately if I wear something that feels too girly and I just kind of feel like that part of me has died. Every once in a while maybe I can still access that part of me, but less and less often. It's like one day I walked through a doorway and that part of me stayed behind.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to see how people identify like every 5 years. How static is identity, especially if you are lgbtq+? How often do people who identify as butch or femme find that one day they no longer are? I don't know. I only came back to post this because sometimes people like other things I have posted here and it makes me feel odd now, feeling less and less that femme is an identity I can rightly claim.

Maybe one day I will walk through some other doorway and find that part of me eagerly waiting. I do not know.

Femmewench · 09-11-2017, 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nat

I think maybe these days I don't feel like a femme anymore. I felt so solidly femme for a long while - even with my gender stuff which is sort of dual. But I cut my hair off a year ago and I feel weird lately if I wear something that feels too girly and I just kind of feel like that part of me has died. Every once in a while maybe I can still access that part of me, but less and less often. It's like one day I walked through a doorway and that part of me stayed behind.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to see how people identify like every 5 years. How static is identity, especially if you are lgbtq+? How often do people who identify as butch or femme find that one day they no longer are? I don't know. I only came back to post this because sometimes people like other things I have posted here and it makes me feel odd now, feeling less and less that femme is an Identity I can rightly claim.

Maybe one day I will walk through some other doorway and find that part of me eagerly waiting. I do not know.

A thoughtful question given the spectrum. Moving within the femme end and moving within the butch end are probably both expected to a certain degree. Moving to a different side of the spectrum may be less common, but uncommon can be a wonderful thing. As long as it feels right to you enjoy you.

Esme nha Maire · 09-12-2017, 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nat

I think maybe these days I don't feel like a femme anymore. I felt so solidly femme for a long while - even with my gender stuff which is sort of dual. But I cut my hair off a year ago and I feel weird lately if I wear something that feels too girly and I just kind of feel like that part of me has died. Every once in a while maybe I can still access that part of me, but less and less often. It's like one day I walked through a doorway and that part of me stayed behind.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to see how people identify like every 5 years. How static is identity, especially if you are lgbtq+? How often do people who identify as butch or femme find that one day they no longer are? I don't know. I only came back to post this because sometimes people like other things I have posted here and it makes me feel odd now, feeling less and less that femme is an identity I can rightly claim.

Maybe one day I will walk through some other doorway and find that part of me eagerly waiting. I do not know.

That sounds somewhat similar to my experience. Earlier today, I found my photo album, which had been AWOL for several months, which includes one of the best photos ever taken of me, nearly thirty years ago. In it, I have permed hair, gold earrings and a gold writswatch with a thin strap, and I'm wearing a simple strapless red dress that ended at the knee, and 1.5in heel court shoes, and I'm holding a maroon clutch bag. My nails back then were still extremely strong, and they were long, perfect ovals, and painted, and my face made up. I looked very much the femme, and felt perfectly happy so, although back then I was also very nervous, lacking the self confidence that I have today. Back then, at work I wore a nice grey skirt-suit from Long Tall Sally, with slightly flatter court shoes, and a white blouse. I was a size (UK) 14. 38-28-38 and 5ft 11 (175cm) tall.

Contrast today. I'm sat at my PC wearing camo leggings and a camo shirt/jacket (over a 'Strangers in Paradise' T-shirt), no makeup because I havent left the flat today, but if I do apply any makeup, it's foundation and lippy only. My most common attire is walking boots, black jeans, black tank-top and often a large, long thick grey buttonless waistcoat with deep pockets, topped off with a black brimmed hat. I do occasionally still wear skirts, but I don't do femme the way I used to partly because I haven't a good figure and it's hard to look good in form-fitting skirts or dresses if you have a bit of a pot belly (I went up to a size 22 at one point - down to an 18 now), partly because I can no longer see well enough without glasses to do more elaborate makeup, and partly because I can't be bothered to try to achieve a femme look when I can far more easily achieve a reasonable and distinctive tomboy look. (It's good enough that I still get straight guys making passes at me every few weeks. Sigh... - but hey it's still a compliment, right? :-})

I realised at some point that what matters to me most is not what my appearance is, but that I look reasonably good at whatever style I'm wearing. Also, I have lost that slight sense of otherness compared to cis-women that bedeviled me for many years, and no longer think of myself as trans-anything, my primary identity being, simply, lesbian. Being introvert, I've been a natural wallflower, but that was fiercely reinforced by a lot of personal paranoia due to life experiences. Recently, I've got over most of those, partially aided by chatting with a therapist. And I positively want to chase women and chat them up, I've just had few opportunities to do so since gaining the level of confidence I now have.

So what does that make me? Durned if I know - but I don't actually care except insofar as it's good to be both self-aware and aware of how others perceive onself. I've tried, just for the fun of it, comparing myself to lesbians on film or on YouTube. Am I more/less femme/butch than her? Who makes me swoon/melt? Would I be the butch to her femme or the femme to her butch or would we be kinda equals even if somewhat different? What I don't do is try to nail myself down with labels, because that way can lie madness if there is no label that clearly fits you well.

So yeah, I've had the startling experience of being thought to be butch when I started off as femme. But as well as my appearance having changed, so too have some of my attitudes, whilst others always were tomboyish. I'm not as pretty as I once was, but I still cry at the drop of a hat if something moves me sufficiently, and i love cats and bunnies and pretty stuff - and beautiful machinery, military history, etc. I can bake cakes and, at a pinch, fix stuff. IF I managed to regain something like a decent figure, I'd quite happily see if I could carry off a 'glamourous gran' look occasionally, just for the fun of seeing the reaction of folk who've seen me only looking tomboyish this last couple of years and a bit of a drab for several years previous. But I think the only label that approximates what I am now is tomboy.

All I know for certain is I'm being the best me I can be. If anyone doesn't like that, tough. Their problem, not mine! :-}

(added in edit - I've just remembered- the second best photo taken of me was at the end of 2016, one of only four ever taken of me on skates in my derby gear - despite which, with my hair falling forward across my shoulders, I look quite girly as well as slightly menacing!)

09-11-2017, 09:40 PM	#4
Nat Senior Member How Do You Identify?: bigender (DID System) Preferred Pronoun?: he/him or alter-specific Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Central TX Posts: 3,537 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,047 Thanked 13,971 Times in 2,591 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I think maybe these days I don't feel like a femme anymore. I felt so solidly femme for a long while - even with my gender stuff which is sort of dual. But I cut my hair off a year ago and I feel weird lately if I wear something that feels too girly and I just kind of feel like that part of me has died. Every once in a while maybe I can still access that part of me, but less and less often. It's like one day I walked through a doorway and that part of me stayed behind. Sometimes I think it would be nice to see how people identify like every 5 years. How static is identity, especially if you are lgbtq+? How often do people who identify as butch or femme find that one day they no longer are? I don't know. I only came back to post this because sometimes people like other things I have posted here and it makes me feel odd now, feeling less and less that femme is an identity I can rightly claim. Maybe one day I will walk through some other doorway and find that part of me eagerly waiting. I do not know. __________________ I'm a fountain of blood. In the shape of a girl. - Bjork What is to give light must endure burning. -Viktor Frankl

04-20-2016, 01:45 AM	#1
l'Cie Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Apr 2016 Location: South Africa Posts: 10 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11 Thanked 37 Times in 9 Posts Rep Power: 429507	I am a Femme. Albeit a delayed one. I am independent. Self-sufficient. Worthy. No I don't always feel that way but in the darkest part of my soul...I just know. I am fiercely loyal. If I care about you, then I will always care about you. Even if my back bears the scars of your betrayal. Be warned though...when you stab me, I will come at you with a machete and carry on caring afterwards. When I hurt, I hurt deeply. But my heart is ever-forgiving nonetheless. I'm a dork. A nerd. A geek. And awfully proud of it. I prefer a couch and cuddles to a party and love nature and all it's wonder. Except spiders. And locusts. And frogs. The trees. I like nature's trees. I sing when I bake. I sing when I'm sad. I sing when I sketch. I love sketching. I don't know where it comes from or how it got there. But I love it. I still use frequent hand gestures when explaining something that excites me and still make grabby hands when I see something that excites me even more (stuffies! I'm a stuffie hoarder. And games.) I am a Gemini. Which with me, means an idea is usually followed by an even better idea (eg Take a nap...noooo let's have a cookie or four first before that nap) and laughter at inappropriate times Exercise calms me. So does killing a hoard of demons in Diablo 3 and writing. I love helping others. It makes me so happy. Being nice to someone just because I've been given another day to do so. I am a totally weird introvert who's just working hard at being me

04-21-2016, 01:12 PM	#2
FemmeTastic Junior Member How Do You Identify?: femme lesbian Relationship Status: married to my handsome husbutch Join Date: Apr 2016 Location: Germany Posts: 26 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 66 Thanked 93 Times in 20 Posts Rep Power: 1403415	I always knew I wasn't like the other girls when I grew up. At age 6 I already knew I wasn't getting married ever, and never wanted to have children either, of course, at the time I believed that marrying is something I could only do with men. Things in my perception have changed since then, and I was very happy to say yes to my handsome butch love of my life last year As a little girl, against all hopes of my mother to not raise me stereotypically female, I preferred the dolls, the glitter and the dresses over the toy train, balls and pants. She had been raised to be a girly girl and hated it, and promised herself to not do that to her own daughter one day, but I ended up being the girliest girl you could imagine, entirely voluntarily. At age 12 I happened to watch my first movie with Butch-Femme-dynamics, (Bound - has been a favorite ever since. You might wonder, how did I get my hands on that movie at age 12, well, I grew up in Colombia and went to visit my uncle, he and I wanted to watch a movie so we went to rent one. Medellín being the criminal city it was back then, all the video rentals were closed with bars, so you had to ask for a particular movie or a genre, and they would go and find it for you and hand it to you through the bars. We asked for a mafia or thief movie hahaha, and they gave us Bound) and not even knowing of the existence of the word lesbian, at the sight of the Femme I felt admiration and a feeling of "I want to be as beautiful as her" and at the sight of the Butch, I got red glowing cheeks and for the first time felt something like arousal. At age 17 I bravely went to lesbian parties all by myself, dolled up and wearing high heels, only to be called hetty by the other guests. Over and over again. Sometimes being refused entrance to parties with the words "Sorry this is a lesbian party". At age 18 I made the decision to never change who I am, despite the exclusion within the lesbian community; I decided to be true to myself, which is being as feminine as it gets! I proudly continued to wear my dresses amongst the feminists who would condemn me for it, accusing me of "emulating the heteronormative ideal of beauty". And despite their judgment, I continued to be an active feminist, and didn't allow my sense of beauty to be manipulated, not from straight folks and certainly not from my own ranks. I get a lump in my throat when someone speaks disparagingly of Butches and female masculinity, when the kind of humans that happens to be one of the most beautiful to me, is under attack, I hurt. I defend Butches in their absence when that happens, although I wouldn't have to, although I get offered a bitter pill of recognition, in the form of a "compliment": "You don't look gay at all, that's really cool, I mean, not like those masculine lesbians, that's so unattractive, who wants to walk around like that." I'm the femme who despite the looks of men which I find to be encroaching and uncomfortable, doesn't downgrade how she styles herself. My makeup, my clothes, my hair, my gestures, my movements, they are all what the masses think is some sort of act to enchant men, when it is, in fact, the absolute opposite ... I do not like men, because Femme is my identity. Woman, in the traditional sense, is to me a female that sees herself in any way in relation and contrast to man. I don't. Men as a sex don't play a role in my life. I have a few male friends, but they aren't an energy I need. My sexuality, my lifestyle, my identity, my feelings, my acts and my thinking, do not incorporate men. Genderwise I see myself not as the counterpart to man, but to Butch. Therefore, to me, being Femme means to remain childless. I have a different form of femininity, motherhood does not belong to me. Please understand that I'm trying to explain my gender here, I am by no means saying that a mother can't be a Femme and viceversa. Not. at. all. I see other Femmes as my sisters, as allies rather than competitors. I can rarely have friendships with Butches because they touch/move me on a sexual, intimate level. I naturally keep a distance from Butches with whom I'm not in a relationship, affair or flirting. I can recognize a Butch with just a glance. It's the way we look at each other when we meet by chance, it is a look that says everything, and makes me feel, even if only for a moment, at home. Such moments can nourish me for years, can comfort, soothe and heal me when once again I am being marginalized on a lesbian party with words such as "what is the barbie doing here? She lost?". Or if macho lesbians grab my butt. Or grab me against my will and press their body onto mine. These moments with Butches that are marked by so much appreciation and respect, help me to remember that we exist. Although we are rare. I am a self-sufficient, strong person. I am emotionally, financially and mentally able to provide for myself. I don't need anybody to organize my move or to screw my shelves to the wall, or to work on my tax return or to make decisions for me. Only for the cruelty free removal of spiders, that's where I take all the help I can get My appearance is at odds with the perception people outside the B/F-community have of me. I come out in an endless loop. Again and again and again do I have to explain why I don't want to have a husband, why is my partner so masculine, why do I not at least have a girlfriend as feminine as I am... In a world that doesn't understand any of that, I continue to follow my own heart, my own core. Undeterred by all which is thrown in my face. Being Latina doesn't help. I have literally no Latinx community left. Being a VERY feminine woman in Colombia is expected. When I show up with my Butch partner, the looks are unbearable and make me ashamed of my community, so I want to spare my partner their bigotry. I like my Butch to be very masculine in the way she carries herself, I love a deep voice, and a very masculine clothing style. I love the contrast between her and me. I'm very territorial when it comes to my femininity and I love how my partner doesn't show the slightest interest in any of my girly things. Not my make-up, not my perfume, not my clothes, not my jewelry. Before coming out to myself as a Femme in relation to Butch, I used to identify as lesbian and dated lesbian women, who were sometimes only slightly less feminine than I am. It always felt wrong, it often felt like I was doing something unnatural. For ages I believed I had a severe case of internalized homophobia, until I finally understood that I wasn't feeling natural, because I just simply hadn't allowed myself to really go for the kind of person that made my knees weak and took my breath away: Butches. Ever since I stopped dating androgynous and more feminine lesbians a couple of years ago, I feel like my inside and my outside finally match. I feel like the budding flower of my soul finally bloomed. Other than that, I'm of course packed with a thousand different qualities good and bad, but they have little to do with the Femme aspects of me, and are more about the human aspects of me. So I'll save those for another thread and another occasion, especially given the length of this post. Thank you beautiful Femmes, for sharing your stories, your emotions and experiences here, you're such a beautiful bunch of people, reading all those entries has made me feel so proud to be a part of the Femme tribe, has made me feel honored to be amongst such gorgeous human beings.