Caregivers and Stress

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

a month later and my mom has decided to move from the living facility where she is to go near her sister, 50 miles away, who lives in the middle of nowhere. There are no hospitals near and she won't know where anything is.

She has told her sister that we have all just left her. So she needs to be *saved*. i know my aunt knows better, but whatever.

i know this is the biggest mistake ever, and i am struggling to check out.

How do you check out when its your mother????

Honestly, I have struggled with it for years.

What is "it"?

In a nutshell, I try to use the Serenity Prayer when it comes to my mother and until my dad died last August, with him, too.

I can not make my mother be different. I do not have the power to make her a kind and loving person. I can not get her to be happy that she has me for a daughter. She is 89 now so there won't be some miracle intervention happening for her.

My mom is who she is and who she will always be. My father was the same.

Then, he died.

The difference is that I have come to a place of acceptance with both of them.

It still makes me sad. I wish that things had been different for all of us. I have always felt like an orphan and when I was a kid, I did used to pray that something would happen to them so I could be adopted by a loving family like some of my friends had.

It didn't and we get the parents that we get.

You can't change your mom. You know in your heart that you have done the very best that you can. You truly have to believe that there is not one more magic thing that you could try. If you don't really believe it, you will feel guilt and feel torn that somehow this or other choices that she makes, are your fault.

Guilt is not productive and it can eat you up.

I have read your posts about your mom. You know that you can't change her. We really do not have power over anyone else's bad decisions or choices.

Even when we love them.

(((Femme hug)))

[girl_dee]

Anya (((( thank you ))))))

at this point, i don't want to change her. i just want the power to be in a place where i don't feel hurt anymore.

My sister who has NEVER had to deal with my mom, has to now. i am not one bit sorry that i am not there. She is going to pack up my mom, and deal with the red tape of HUD, the movers, the utilities, the bank, the doctors, the everything.

She texted me all day yesterday and said "this is all your fault for moving away" ... then added a "lol"

Like mother like daughter.

i just don't want to have anything to do with this anymore.

AND i am going on a kinky weekend trip, and my mother will be here visiting and staying with me, when i get back.

[girl_dee]

my mom is going home after her 4 days with me. it is so hard as this is my sacred space and her negative energy is in my space.

Yesterday, her last day, she was completely miserable and difficult. Guilt trip on overload. This is how she wants to spend the little time we have together. She reminded me at least 4.5 million times that i moved and left her. How no one cares about her. She is moving in a week and can't pay the movers. She is almost 80 and still chasing contentment.

Maybe its because i came home to her being in my sacred space after 5 days of kink and fun and feel more powerful... i cannot let her ruin my mood. Maybe its because i am finally realizing that she is just going to be miserable no matter what i do, but she just isn't getting to me. At least i don't think so. okay maybe a little.


One more hour and i drop her off with the family to take her home.

SO bittersweet,

[girl_dee]

First thank you for all of the notes and support. i appreciate it. i appreciate this space as well.

Yesterday my mom moved. Turns out she isn't so helpless after all. She is now living in the middle of no where but close to her sister. i hope this works out, because i can't bail her out this time. She will be great during the honeymoon period. This is her pattern. For 50 years she moves every couple of years. Never happy with where she is.

She is REALLY angry with me. She said she just gave up on me "wanting her to be close to me". She really expected me to move her out here with me. She is SO bitter. She doesn't want to hear how happy i am, she just resents it.

We had a talk in the car last weekend. She feels i have done something TO her by living my own life. i noticed that during our talk, everything came back to her being a victim somehow, because everyone is living their lives. i was not even able to tell her what a great time i had in California, it just makes her more angry. i am so frustrated!

Now my aunt is "her person". The one who is doing for her, catering to her, is her only "one' and the rest of us are traitors. My mother has always had someone close to her to spoil her, then when it wears off she moves on and they are become the devil. i do believe she has run out of options, and this is all she can get. She has hated this sister of hers forever, now she is her best friend.

i gave her some money for the move. Its the only thing i could think of to do. i think its just a reflex to try to get her approval somehow.

Her words cut yesterday, but i am getting numb to it, i think.My reaction wasn't as bad as it has been. i just want to be able to love her without resentment and anger. i don't remember what she is like without all of that.

[Teddybear]

Ms Dee

Let by start by saying thank you for this thread. I responded when you first posted and prayed that it would be years before it ever fell to me to be a caregiver. It was but not long enough.

I have always been afraid that it would be my father I would have to care for and it turns out it is my mother.

I came home when she got sick and thought I would be here a week or two that is now going on 2.5 months.

My job lets me work from home however I am being told I am not doing my job. When I ask what am I not doing I am told you are not here. I see this as a quilt trip from work because now my coworkers r atully having to do their jobs.

I found a job in Atlanta, found an apartment and moved in. The day before I was suppose to start my mom had a break down and I postponed starting for a week.

The night before I was to start I was leaving her house to go to my apartment and I thought I was going to have to take her to the hospital. It was bad. I took her to my apartment. We stayed there 2 nights and she couldn't handle it.

So I commute 1.5 to 2 hours one way. I work the job from Dallas when I get home at night and on weekends.

I am stressed to the max. I ask for time for myself and she acts like a 2 yr old.

She refuses to let my brothers stay here unless I am here. I have found out why and I agree.

I know I need time for me and have asked for it. NOw getting my brothers, and or mother to comply is the issue.

My brothers will be here for the 4th of July next weekend and I am hoping to have some time to myself. I will update after the weekend.

I am afraid that as much time as my mom requires will ruin my relationship. My gf understands what I am going thru she went thru it with her mom.

I just wonder how it can survive when we cant have any alone time. She lets us stay here but every waking moment all 3 of us are together. By time its bed time we are so sleepy all we can do is sleep.

How do you tell your parent NO, how do you get them to hear you need time also and not just time to and from work?

I want to thank everyone for allowing me the space to say what I need to say and for any and all suggestions

[girl_dee]

Teddybear...

I was hoping to hear about how things are going.

It seems we have the same.mom.

After this round i have really checked out. I just cant keep putting myself out there.

I hope you can do the same.

Its so painful but allowing anyone to hurt you like this is just not acceptable.

[Chained Daisy]

Truly, my own heartaches for all the heartache I read of here. I went no contact with my own mother for the last year of her life {not that I knew it would be her last at the time} after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse it was the best decision I ever made. I should of done it years before. That said she has been dead 10 years now and as a middle aged woman who has survived more than my fair share of lifes troubles I am still scared of her.....still. Such are the long lasting effects of an abusive childhood. They say the best revenge {if thats what is needed} is to live a good life and thrive, I try, some days are harder and than others. Let your inner voice speak to yourself with kindness, you deserve it.

[Chad]

I am struggling to find balance these days.

My dad raised me to be a provider and handyman. Work ethic was rule number one in my dad's eyes. I can fix mom's car, fix her home, take care of her yard work but caregiver is not easy for me.

I will do the best that I can with my limited experience and ask for help when needed. Asking for help is hard but it will become necessary somtimes.

My goal is to keep mom healthy and happy.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

First thank you for all of the notes and support. i appreciate it. i appreciate this space as well.

Yesterday my mom moved. Turns out she isn't so helpless after all. She is now living in the middle of no where but close to her sister. i hope this works out, because i can't bail her out this time. She will be great during the honeymoon period. This is her pattern. For 50 years she moves every couple of years. Never happy with where she is.

She is REALLY angry with me. She said she just gave up on me "wanting her to be close to me". She really expected me to move her out here with me. She is SO bitter. She doesn't want to hear how happy i am, she just resents it.

We had a talk in the car last weekend. She feels i have done something TO her by living my own life. i noticed that during our talk, everything came back to her being a victim somehow, because everyone is living their lives. i was not even able to tell her what a great time i had in California, it just makes her more angry. i am so frustrated!

Now my aunt is "her person". The one who is doing for her, catering to her, is her only "one' and the rest of us are traitors. My mother has always had someone close to her to spoil her, then when it wears off she moves on and they are become the devil. i do believe she has run out of options, and this is all she can get. She has hated this sister of hers forever, now she is her best friend.

i gave her some money for the move. Its the only thing i could think of to do. i think its just a reflex to try to get her approval somehow.

Her words cut yesterday, but i am getting numb to it, i think.My reaction wasn't as bad as it has been. i just want to be able to love her without resentment and anger. i don't remember what she is like without all of that.

UPDATE!

My mom hasn't even slept in the new place yet. Has decided she hates it there. She is settled in to my Aunt's house, who has told my sister she needs to go to her apartment. (We warned her!)

Todays call was that she is lonely and depressed, and misses her friends. All the things i told her would happen if she moved there.

i think she wants me to *fix it*.... i can't fix this.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

UPDATE!

My mom hasn't even slept in the new place yet. Has decided she hates it there. She is settled in to my Aunt's house, who has told my sister she needs to go to her apartment. (We warned her!)

Todays call was that she is lonely and depressed, and misses her friends. All the things i told her would happen if she moved there.

i think she wants me to *fix it*.... i can't fix this.

i called my mom and she was crying when i called her. She is SO down. She still has not slept in the new apartment yet, and just wants me to fix this but not in so many words. She wants me to find her a place here which she knows she cannot afford.

i have to completely distract myself so i don't get wrapped up in her stuff.

[girl_dee]

well my mom is in deep now. This move was the biggest mistake ever. My aunt had to pretty much PUSH her out so she finally slept in the new place.... she hates it.

She is just plain mean at this point. She knows she made a huge mistake, and has no recourse.

i can't fix this , and its killing me. i always fix things when she mucks it up. Part of our dysfunction has been me bailing her out of bad situations. i have to let that go.

Everything in me says to stop contacting her, because her backlash is severe, but i just can't stop reaching out.