Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[Greco]

I've been thinking and most importantly feeling about this topic
all day today...and what I'm about to share is my decision...what
I know for myself...I've lived a good life so far, have had a twenty
year love that I will forever be grateful for...before she died she
told me to allow another love in my life. It's been many years
now and what I know for sure is that when that person and I
find each other, if that is to be...then it will be a gift indeed.
And if not, then life is still a most wondrous gift.

Do I fear betrayal? No, to each their own really...my heart and
mind have survived the darkest most painful times as many of you
here share...and when the greatest loss in your life happens...betrayal
is the least worry.

I will and do say, YES to love and friendship and know that if I'm
lucky enough to know my last day on this earth...then...well then...
I leave love and safety and caring...and a full life.

I'm not perfect G-d knows...my new wife will not be perfect...but
we are both human...and my desire is to continue living my life
as fully as I can and I KNOW that if and when she is to be with me
...then it will be good because we will allow it to be good.
I will be loved again and she will be loved fully as well.

Thank you for reading...I wish us all much love.

Greco

[JDeere]

Not having the communication I deserve.

[JDeere]

Mixed signals... Idk how to take them or decipher them.

[homoe]

~~
I don't believe I have any actual fears of another relationship, HOWEVER I'll never forget the feel of abandonment!

[JDeere]

Trust... I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them.

People switch up fast.

[Vincent]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Trust... I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them.

People switch up fast.

Can't argue with that one

[homoe]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Trust... I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them.

People switch up fast.

You got that right..........

[C0LLETTE]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Trust... I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them.

People switch up fast.

General response:

maybe mistrust is the original problem...who wants to put themselves out there for someone who has a wall of mistrust around them...you better be an incredible, desirable human being for anyone to make that major effort to get through/over that wall...and what the hell makes you think you are.

[charley]

Many many years ago, a mentor told me that trust is earned. What do you think?

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by charley

Many many years ago, a mentor told me that trust is earned. What do you think?

hi charley..i agree but also disagree...earned, means waiting for that person to score positive points, but, how can they score if they don't know what you value or your unspoken needs (besides the obvious)? Besides that nobody can
be good enough long enough to maintain your high standard..because if you've gone to the trouble of having a standard it's probably set fairly high..And, if you are so worried about someone earning trust..this means you are more worried about your needs being met..to be so focused doesn't leave much room to consider what the other person may need or want...why not enjoy each other's company and give them the benefit of the doubt?..don't go too deep too soon..find things you enjoy together and discover if you share the same concerns..etc..if you like her, build something together...just some of my thoughts

[RebelDyke]

Originally Posted by charley

Many many years ago, a mentor told me that trust is earned. What do you think?

I have known many people who adhere to this "rule of thumb". It is not for everyone though. I like to lead with trust in the beginning, because I accept a person unconditionally. However, I also follow this "rule of thumb".... actions speak louder than words...as well as, the whole golden rule: do unto others as you would have done to you. People will you show what they value...and who they value.. mainly by their actions. The golden rule also does not subscribe to one religion/faith/or belief, but followed by all. I am the kind of person who matches energy.. No two people will ever see the same side of me. Again, because i will treat them the way they treat me.

Now, if the break that trust... (where their words do not match their actions, or their stories are hard to follow... ) then it is good luck earning that trust back. Only a few people have been able to do that, and those people have been in my life for many years. For me, it weeds out those who want to be put on a pedestal and be worshiped versus those who want to talk next to me and have a mutual respect of being equals.

Please know.. this is merely my opinion and I am not saying my way is the right/only way.

I want to caveat that unconditionally part. Some people think that means unconditionally means they get an unconditional amount of times of repeating the same mistakes. That isn't true.. this is where the protection of me comes into play.. boundaries and limits.. it does not mean unconditional forgiveness.

[cathexis]

Originally Posted by charley

Many many years ago, a mentor told me that trust is earned. What do you think?

In my life before moving to where I am now, in the town that I grew up, people trusted one another until/unless that person gave a reason to withdraw trust. A little fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It's a bit like that saying, but I come from a place where people tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Quick to help a neighbor, would stay up all night if that's what it took to prime a neighbor's water pump or help get someone's furnace heating their home. We bring laundry in when it begins to rain, turn off car lights left on.

We don't allow ourselves or those we care about to be tricked or fooled, and not too many mess with our communities as they know the neighbors try to keep an eye one another knowing what's up.

Charley, if this doesn't demonstrate trust, I'm not sure what would.

[homoe]

Originally Posted by charley

Many many years ago, a mentor told me that trust is earned. What do you think?

I'm not sure Charley but the one thing I DO know, once it has been broken, it's a hell of a job giving it back!

[rustedrims]

I see trust and helping each other out come up alot. When my finances are compromised you gotta go faster than you came. Just got back to work after 9 months off from a serious surgery. Took my credit card number home with her. She timed it so withdraws were made on valentines day. Yeah hundreds of dollars. Someone in here I trusted. Had her in my home.Thought she was going to be my forever girl. Scared to take that chance again.

Thank you for reading my troubles.

s

[homoe]

Originally Posted by rustedrims

I see trust and helping each other out come up alot. When my finances are compromised you gotta go faster than you came. Just got back to work after 9 months off from a serious surgery. Took my credit card number home with her. She timed it so withdraws were made on valentines day. Yeah hundreds of dollars. Someone in here I trusted. Had her in my home.Thought she was going to be my forever girl. Scared to take that chance again.

Thank you for reading my troubles.

s

How despicable especially to take advantage of someone while they are down and recovering from a serious illness! So sorry this happened rustedrims.

[Stone-Butch]

I don't really fear but I am now much more aware. My last relationship was around two years. We decided to put things on an equal page. I had never put someone elses name on my property or vice versa except my 22 yr relat.) Anyway I woke up one morning and my "partner" was gone. Totally moved out. I was asleep in the living room. I got a note to pay up over $10,000 of bills we had accumulated as she was suppose to be paying them off with our joint account. Well, NOT. It took a good chunk of my bank account to pay it all off which I did right away as this can ruin your borrowing power. I have recouped most of that money and am back where I was but I will never ever do that again. She sent an email telling me I was an inconsiderate person and she could not stay with me. OMG. I guess I forgot to put down my coat the last time it rained and she had to cross a puddle.

[FireSignFemme]

"OMG. I guess I forgot to put down my coat the last time it rained and she had to cross a puddle."

LOL

[homoe]

"OMG. I guess I forgot to put down my coat the last time it rained and she had to cross a puddle."


..........

[Stone-Butch]

I usually do anything I can to be a gentlewoman moe but I guess for some femmes it is not enough. Some like bad boys, well hell, I can do that too. LOL

[homoe]

Originally Posted by Stone-Butch

I usually do anything I can to be a gentlewoman moe but I guess for some femmes it is not enough. Some like bad boys, well hell, I can do that too. LOL

Perhaps that old saying is right, nice guys finish last!?