Originally Posted by Sweet&Content
Dearest Mishy, you certainly are not alone.
I won't give my long life story to describe how I relate to you...I won't turn this subject into "all about me"... but I will support you with open arms and a warm understanding heart in your soul searching and hunting for answers....
My story shortened, my childhood was filled with much the same thing and MANY times I hid in the mountains and countryside, arriving home well after dark willing to take the whipping for missing dinner rather than be at home... I am also a Rape Survivor. I came out several years ago and have, until very recently, struggled very much with my femme/lesbian identity and "how do I fit in". One of my accomplishments in life was turning my feelings as a rape victim, into becoming a Survivor (in all senses of the word, and becoming a Domestic Violence Advocate). Being a Survivor (to me) does not allow my abusers or my rapist to re-victimize me or continue to abuse me, in any form...especially my mental/physical health state. I do not intend to down play anyone who is a victim (absolutely no insult intended)...after my abuse, I HAD to see myself as a Survivor, or lose my mind...
My struggle with "am I Femme?", came from not being confident of myself, not having much of a community here or mentors, my lack of knowledge of various identities and dynamics and my misconception that "Femme" meant my outside appearances only ...how I dressed, etc. I have many hobbies that are related to masculine activities/stereotypes (including all things mechanical)... at work, I am very much a "High Power Priss" in my "kick ass femmie clothes and sexy boots" (sometimes even wearing a beautiful corset & thigh highs under my black "stuffy" business suit)... but for the longest time, I questioned "Am I Femme?, what does Femme mean to me?... I'm not Top? I'm not always submissive so I didn't consider myself entirely bottom... am I Butch because I like to fix cars and am very aggressive in the boardroom at work?... etc, etc...does Femme mean just how I dress?"
Very recently I entered into a wonderful, very promising relationship with an AMAZING StoneButch...someone I took my time getting to know and respect. Someone who has gently and patiently guided me and stood beside me during my "identity crisis" and my journey to find what Femme means to me... after reading one of her posts on "the other site" and talking with her more, I suddenly and with much delight realized that I AM FEMME because Femme is what I am inside, not my outside appearances and I am NOT a "confused straight woman" (as I had been accused of being by a heartless person, I pass for straight and to the het world, am an "invisible Femme" because I'm not recognized or accepted as a lesbian or Femme..."they just don't get me".) ... I AM Femme because I am a Survivor and I AM PROUD of Surviving my hardships and PROUD of who I am... I am Femme while in my bluejeans and baseball cap with pony tail looped out the back when I go outside to bust my knuckles on the manifold of my car... I AM a FEISTY Femme as I stand in my boardroom and tell them how it is, my way or the highway... I am Femme when I come home and take my "boss hat" off, kick my boots off and proceed to kiss and greet my partner and turn into a Sweet, Loving, Content, Gentle, Cute, Sexy, Smart, Quiet, Thoughtful, Respectful, Affectionate "Queen of my Kitchen" Femme that my partner adores. I recently joked with my partner... "I'm not Femme Top, I'm not entirely Femme Bottom... can I be Femme Middle?" lol
Hon, be yourself... turn your soul searching into a Journey to find what your identity means to you... in the process and struggle, be careful not to lose "Mishy".
We love, respect and adore you...Mishy... no matter what ID or label you feel comfortable with...
sorry I rambled, it was more than I had intended... but this subject and supporting you is very near and dear to my heart. Look me up any time... Much TLC,
S&C
ID: Queen of my Kitchen
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12-04-2009, 12:30 AM
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