Open Letter: Dear Femme

Apocalipstic · 12-10-2009, 03:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Has anybody here had the experience of being taken more seriously by both other Femme's and the rest of the community once you are in a long term relationship?

I am coming up on five years with Plato, and finally others have stopped acting like I am out to steal their honey. I personally never think twice about who Plato is around. If hy chose to cheat, that would be on hym. If it was a friend of mine? Same thing. It feels to *me* like there is a tendency to treat others as predators or some such thing.

When I was single I was labeled a slut. I kept hearing about people I'd had sex with. Sigh. Wish I"D BEEN THERE.

Yes, I feel taken much more seriously since I have been in a relationship.
Wayyy more seriously.

SuperFemme · 12-10-2009, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Yes, I feel taken much more seriously since I have been in a relationship.
Wayyy more seriously.

Me too! Did you ever feel others were suspect of you when you were single? Did you feel less visible? Less valued?

Apocalipstic · 12-10-2009, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Me too! Did you ever feel others were suspect of you when you were single? Did you feel less visible? Less valued?

Totally. I went to one of the bashes by myself years ago and yes, I was extremely suspect, in fact, by the end the second day I was getting phone calls from Nashville full of news of my exploits (sexploits?). After that, I went straight back to my room and ordered room service alone each night. But there was talk anyway.

Add Cynthia to the picture and automatically I am accepted and somehow am even seen as prim and proper (as if!).

I remember when I met you, you were single and seemed lost in a sea of judgement. I so knew that feeling. I remember just hugging you at the Ball, I had no words to say to make it all better.

Anyone else experince this?

SuperFemme · 12-10-2009, 05:01 PM

Medusa! I can so totally relate.

What is it that makes others so judgmental? In my experience the people perpetuating stories had vested interest in always keeping the spotlight off of themselves and their fuckery.

When I see a Femme get together with someone I notice a lot of negativity. That person is not good for her. They won't last. Whatever the FUCK happened to support? I am thrilled when my friends are happy. I am rooting for them (unless they are with an verified abuser, in that case I will be concerned).

So I'm sorry that you went through that. It is so hard to ride out the storm and come out on the other side whole.

I'm speculating but I wonder if it helped both you and I that we got to ride out that storm with our best friends (read;partners). The difficult part for me was that I wanted/needed other friends too. Instead I was left with vultures picking the meat off my bones for the most part.

I hear you about the sexuality part. This kind of validates the conversation we are having in this thread. Sexuality is threatening when it is stand alone. It fucking scares people when Femmes own their sexuality and Butch's, Trans guys are perceived as more virile.

A Femme who does not fill the supporting role is an interloper.

What is our role as Femmes in this?

SuperFemme · 12-10-2009, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Totally. I went to one of the bashes by myself years ago and yes, I was extremely suspect, in fact, by the end the second day I was getting phone calls from Nashville full of news of my exploits (sexploits?). After that, I went straight back to my room and ordered room service alone each night. But there was talk anyway.

Add Cynthia to the picture and automatically I am accepted and somehow am even seen as prim and proper (as if!).

I remember when I met you, you were single and seemed lost in a sea of judgement. I so knew that feeling. I remember just hugging you at the Ball, I had no words to say to make it all better.

Anyone else experince this?

Your kindness to me in Vegas helped me hang on. You give GREAT first impression and sometimes words aren't needed! I'd like to note that because I chose to not take any dates to Vegas I was accused of sleeping with several people whilst there. By the time the Ball rolled around a rumor was circulating that people had *searched* my suitcase in my room and discovered that my medication bottles were filled with vitamins and I was lying about having medical issues. Ummm? Seriously? Besides the fact that my meds were in my purse that whole thing was ridiculous. People gobbled it up and regurgitated it for years though. I was SO stressed that I had a seizure in the bathroom at the Ball which my friends held me through and sang opera to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Been around???? What are we back in the 40's??????

Christ on a cracker.

I have been called a "golddigger" too. I am WAY more upset about that than pretty much anything I have ever been called. I don't think I will EVER get over that.

Yes I have been way wild, yes I have participated in way risky behavior, yes I am fat, yes I am 46, but I work really hard and always have and I am no fucking Golddigger *picture me screeching*

You cannot win for losing. It has been said that I "buy my friends like Barbie". I pay to fuck. Laughable. On the other side of the coin? So what if I did? Whose business is it anyway?

The_Lady_Snow · 12-10-2009, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bit

Snow, Isa, if I understand right, Kat is saying that we shouldn't be asking the Butches to answer questions about us in this thread.

Thanks Bit, I am hoping Kat comes in and answers though too..

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Right. So do we need to clarify that in a clearly Femme id'd space? It seems tiresome to me to have to have a disclaimer of "only femmes answer me please".

So, how does this happen, why do butches answer for us when it's about us? Are we stepping back and letting it happen? Is it expected cause we are *femme* is this correct behaviour?

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Has anybody here had the experience of being taken more seriously by both other Femme's and the rest of the community once you are in a long term relationship?

I am coming up on five years with Plato, and finally others have stopped acting like I am out to steal their honey. I personally never think twice about who Plato is around. If hy chose to cheat, that would be on hym. If it was a friend of mine? Same thing. It feels to *me* like there is a tendency to treat others as predators or some such thing.

When I was single I was labeled a slut. I kept hearing about people I'd had sex with. Sigh. Wish I"D BEEN THERE.

I am the soul sucking, will steal your butch, Lilith reincarnated why? I choose not to be in a long term relationship, *I* Snow choose to enjoy the fact I have a vagina and she loves to get fucked, *I* Snow have a big ol cock and oh yes I love to have it sucked clean.. *I* Snow do not like being tied down to one particular person, *I* Snow am sexual and have no qualms talking about how I like to fuck, wanna be fucked and will fuck. Though from the rumors you would swear I have fucked half the country.. Maybe sex scares some people, or maybe just those that are flapping their jaws are jealous? The world will never know..

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Me too! Did you ever feel others were suspect of you when you were single? Did you feel less visible? Less valued?

No... No.. No... Do I enjoy the whispers and the pointing, when I was younger I was bothered, now I just raise my martini glass and smirk

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Your kindness to me in Vegas helped me hang on. You give GREAT first impression and sometimes words aren't needed! I'd like to note that because I chose to not take any dates to Vegas I was accused of sleeping with several people whilst there. By the time the Ball rolled around a rumor was circulating that people had *searched* my suitcase in my room and discovered that my medication bottles were filled with vitamins and I was lying about having medical issues. Ummm? Seriously? Besides the fact that my meds were in my purse that whole thing was ridiculous. People gobbled it up and regurgitated it for years though. I was SO stressed that I had a seizure in the bathroom at the Ball which my friends held me through and sang opera to me.

oy vey, remember the rumor about how I was going to kill you that year?

You cannot win for losing. It has been said that I "buy my friends like Barbie". I pay to fuck. Laughable. On the other side of the coin? So what if I did? Whose business is it anyway?

Hey, you still owe me that Big Mac meal for our friendship.. Pay up damn it

SuperFemme · 12-10-2009, 05:50 PM

I won't point out what an amazing person Snow is. Nope. I thought we had a deal on our friendship? If you love me for five years you get a Big Mac AND a Coke. If you love me for ten years you get a lifetime supply of ice.

cara · 12-10-2009, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Me too! Did you ever feel others were suspect of you when you were single? Did you feel less visible? Less valued?

I have spent a large portion of my life single. Going to butch-femme events as a single femme is just plain HARD. So, now I have a love-hate relationship with the larger b-f events. It takes every fiber of my being to remain positive and not start self-hating at those events. I often do feel left out or suspect by others. I don't know that this is because I am projecting my own fears onto the situation or if people really are purposefully leaving me out. Maybe a little of both? Who knows.

On a totally unrelated note, I spend an awful lot of time responding to posts and never actually posting what I've written because I am fearful of offending someone or not sounding academic enough. So, in a way, I guess I'm silencing myself.

I'm working to overcome some of these irrational fears and reading the posts in this thread is very helpful and fills me with hope. You are all so amazing and insightful! Thank you for your support and words!!!

~cara

SuperFemme · 12-10-2009, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cara

I have spent a large portion of my life single. Going to butch-femme events as a single femme is just plain HARD. So, now I have a love-hate relationship with the larger b-f events. It takes every fiber of my being to remain positive and not start self-hating at those events. I often do feel left out or suspect by others. I don't know that this is because I am projecting my own fears onto the situation or if people really are purposefully leaving me out. Maybe a little of both? Who knows.

On a totally unrelated note, I spend an awful lot of time responding to posts and never actually posting what I've written because I am fearful of offending someone or not sounding academic enough. So, in a way, I guess I'm silencing myself.

I'm working to overcome some of these irrational fears and reading the posts in this thread is very helpful and fills me with hope. You are all so amazing and insightful! Thank you for your support and words!!!

~cara

(((Cara))) I felt left out in Vegas but I took a few good friends with me, so it wasn't so bad. I did feel disconnected though. You are probably not imagining that.

Your posts are great and do NOT need to sound academic. Promise. Just post what you feel and as long as you are not outright hating, it will be fine. I'm glad you find this thread helpful because you are amazing too!

12-10-2009, 05:01 PM	#4
SuperFemme Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Permanently Banned 10/24/2010 Preferred Pronoun?: She. Relationship Status: Married (one of 18,000) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Atascadero, CA Posts: 4,933 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,309 Thanked 7,108 Times in 2,327 Posts Rep Power: 0	Medusa! I can so totally relate. What is it that makes others so judgmental? In my experience the people perpetuating stories had vested interest in always keeping the spotlight off of themselves and their fuckery. When I see a Femme get together with someone I notice a lot of negativity. That person is not good for her. They won't last. Whatever the FUCK happened to support? I am thrilled when my friends are happy. I am rooting for them (unless they are with an verified abuser, in that case I will be concerned). So I'm sorry that you went through that. It is so hard to ride out the storm and come out on the other side whole. I'm speculating but I wonder if it helped both you and I that we got to ride out that storm with our best friends (read;partners). The difficult part for me was that I wanted/needed other friends too. Instead I was left with vultures picking the meat off my bones for the most part. I hear you about the sexuality part. This kind of validates the conversation we are having in this thread. Sexuality is threatening when it is stand alone. It fucking scares people when Femmes own their sexuality and Butch's, Trans guys are perceived as more virile. A Femme who does not fill the supporting role is an interloper. What is our role as Femmes in this?

12-10-2009, 05:50 PM	#7
SuperFemme Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Permanently Banned 10/24/2010 Preferred Pronoun?: She. Relationship Status: Married (one of 18,000) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Atascadero, CA Posts: 4,933 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,309 Thanked 7,108 Times in 2,327 Posts Rep Power: 0	I won't point out what an amazing person Snow is. Nope. I thought we had a deal on our friendship? If you love me for five years you get a Big Mac AND a Coke. If you love me for ten years you get a lifetime supply of ice.