Jokes and things that made you laugh.

Janstevie · 11-07-2010, 05:03 AM

A Doctor answers some hard Questions:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Janstevie · 11-07-2010, 05:05 AM

What Bra sizes really mean:

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!.....
{E} Enormous!....
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
And I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

Janstevie · 11-07-2010, 05:20 AM

>Subject: Nag! Nag! Nag!
>

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing
day,
trying to get a stay of execution for a client James Wright, who was due to
be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the
governor had apparently failed and he was feeling worn out and
depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bathroom, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally, realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs
to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear-end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP

Janstevie · 11-08-2010, 03:35 PM

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree.
"My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog.
""Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.
That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep.
When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

And that, M’lud, is the case for the defense...

Janstevie · 11-19-2010, 06:15 AM

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

asphaltcowboi · 11-19-2010, 06:36 AM

ok so someone to the sticker off my dogs new squeeky toy and stuck it on the back of my sweat shirt.. had to have been there for at least a week and i wear it all the time.. found it last night.. it says:
"squeeeze me i squeek"
not cool but hadda snicker!

asphaltcowboi · 11-19-2010, 07:11 AM

Legendryder · 11-19-2010, 07:28 AM

Bob. He makes me laugh everyday. This morning I was sitting at my desk drinking coffee trying to wake up. From behind me I hear these noises. Squeeks and whimpers. I turn my head and the lump in the covers is moving. Bob is chasing something in his sleep. Punk.

scootebaby · 11-19-2010, 08:51 AM

saw this on a facebook status---"strap on spelled backwards is no parts..oh the irony" i couldnt help but chuckle

Random · 11-19-2010, 09:22 AM

"How do you catch a unque rabbit?"

"you neek up on it..."

It makes me giggle every time I hear it....

lipstixgal · 11-19-2010, 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Legendryder

Bob. He makes me laugh everyday. This morning I was sitting at my desk drinking coffee trying to wake up. From behind me I hear these noises. Squeeks and whimpers. I turn my head and the lump in the covers is moving. Bob is chasing something in his sleep. Punk.

You're dog is so cute and funny too. My dog twirls when she's happy round and round she goes its cute and funny too. My other dog is funny but when he was younger used to do funny things now that he is older he has mellowed out. But yes the animals can do funny things.

Janstevie · 11-19-2010, 11:06 AM

An old but gold...............................

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

Miami · 11-19-2010, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Random

"How do you catch a unque rabbit?"

"you neek up on it..."

It makes me giggle every time I hear it....

You know the WHOLE joke? It goes, how do you catch a tame rabbit? U neek up on it.

And how do you catch a UNIQUE rabbit? Tame way, you neek up on it!

Random · 11-19-2010, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miami

You know the WHOLE joke? It goes, how do you catch a tame rabbit? U neek up on it.

And how do you catch a UNIQUE rabbit? Tame way, you neek up on it!

Grin...

I had forgotten the rest...

Thank you...

Someone told me that joke once up on a time when I was in a full, all out, no holds bar rage, ranting session..... It deflated and derailed me in two seconds...

I love that joke..

scootebaby · 11-19-2010, 12:00 PM

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

sharonsuburbia · 11-19-2010, 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cody

i nrealy peed - thanks!!!!

Janstevie · 11-27-2010, 02:02 PM

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

lipstixgal · 11-27-2010, 02:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scootebaby

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

That's funny did the laxative work during the night?? It really shouldn't have it usually takes about 8 hours!!

scootebaby · 11-27-2010, 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lipstixgal

That's funny did the laxative work during the night?? It really shouldn't have it usually takes about 8 hours!!

[COLOR="Black"]uh they were fast acting /COLOR]

lipstixgal · 11-27-2010, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scootebaby

[COLOR="Black"]uh they were fast acting /COLOR]

So I'm guessing that you woke up and went to the bathroom in time I hope!!

11-07-2010, 05:03 AM	#1
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Jokes and things that made you laugh. A Doctor answers some hard Questions: Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

11-19-2010, 06:36 AM	#6
asphaltcowboi Senior Member How Do You Identify?: butch Relationship Status: HAPPY Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: ..... Posts: 1,509 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,367 Thanked 3,297 Times in 1,042 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	ok so someone to the sticker off my dogs new squeeky toy and stuck it on the back of my sweat shirt.. had to have been there for at least a week and i wear it all the time.. found it last night.. it says: "squeeeze me i squeek" not cool but hadda snicker! __________________

11-19-2010, 07:11 AM	#7
asphaltcowboi Senior Member How Do You Identify?: butch Relationship Status: HAPPY Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: ..... Posts: 1,509 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,367 Thanked 3,297 Times in 1,042 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	__________________

11-19-2010, 09:22 AM	#10
Random Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: back in the land of trees and snow Posts: 2,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,017 Thanked 5,327 Times in 1,378 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	"How do you catch a unque rabbit?" "you neek up on it..." It makes me giggle every time I hear it.... __________________ ~Volunteer~ "It gets in your blood"

11-19-2010, 12:00 PM	#15
scootebaby Timed Out How Do You Identify?: yes dear Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: south florida Posts: 2,494 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,264 Thanked 6,737 Times in 1,777 Posts Rep Power: 0	words of advice Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

11-07-2010, 05:05 AM	#2
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	What Bra sizes really mean: (A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there... {C} Can't Complain!... {D} Dang!... {DD} Double dang!..... {E} Enormous!.... {F} Fake... {G} Get a Reduction... {H} Help me, I've fallen And I can't get up!... They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen

11-07-2010, 05:20 AM	#3
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	>Subject: Nag! Nag! Nag! > An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day, trying to get a stay of execution for a client James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had apparently failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bathroom, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally, realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear-end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP

11-08-2010, 03:35 PM	#4
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles." The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog. ""Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?" "Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal." "Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that." So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, M’lud, is the case for the defense...

11-19-2010, 06:15 AM	#5
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

11-19-2010, 07:28 AM	#8
Legendryder Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Queen City, MO Posts: 420 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 14 Thanked 969 Times in 261 Posts Rep Power: 7270131	Bob. He makes me laugh everyday. This morning I was sitting at my desk drinking coffee trying to wake up. From behind me I hear these noises. Squeeks and whimpers. I turn my head and the lump in the covers is moving. Bob is chasing something in his sleep. Punk.

11-19-2010, 08:51 AM	#9
scootebaby Timed Out How Do You Identify?: yes dear Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: south florida Posts: 2,494 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,264 Thanked 6,737 Times in 1,777 Posts Rep Power: 0	saw this on a facebook status---"strap on spelled backwards is no parts..oh the irony" i couldnt help but chuckle

11-19-2010, 11:06 AM	#12
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	An old but gold............................... Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial! Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire. I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling. I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Your loving Mum P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

11-27-2010, 02:02 PM	#17
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"