PTSD and Trauma recovery

[tuffboi29]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

I'm having the same day...hmmmmm

But in the middle of today's chaos I realized that the strong reaction I have when I make mistakes is directly connected to the abuse I experienced at the hands of my Mom when I was growing up. You learned not to mess up and make Mom mad, otherwise you were "gonna get it but good."

Example - Something happens at work, either I forget to do something or was unaware it needed to be done, and my boss says something about it. I spend the rest of the day completely on edge waiting for her to come back and say something else, repeat, repeat, repeat... When Mom would lose it she would hit until she was tired and then walk off. In a little while she would come back and do it all over again, repeat, repeat, repeat...

Have our mother's met? Maybe related?
I hear you hon. I had to move out because of that. The never ending mind game of "guess when I'm going to get you".

I am up because my sleep schedule got messed up.
I'm going to try again in just a few.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by tuffboi29

Have our mother's met? Maybe related?
I hear you hon. I had to move out because of that. The never ending mind game of "guess when I'm going to get you".

I am up because my sleep schedule got messed up.
I'm going to try again in just a few.

Makes you wonder doesn't it?

My Mom's death in 2007 was devastating. To my surprise it was oddly liberating too. The doctor monitoring my weight loss asked me to be his guinea pig and started me on a combination of 5HTP/Carbidopa back in March and finally convinced me to try counseling which I started at the end of May. (The 5HTP/Carbidopa, prescibed to combat stress eating, also treated what he and my counselor diagnosed as mild depression.) My counselor and I are working through, among other things, the abuse by my Mom.

No wonder I went away to college even when I wasn't ready or was even interested in studying what my parents decided I was to study. No wonder I put an ocean (literally) between us when I was 19 and, except for a couple of short periods of time, did not live in my parents home again. No wonder I was drawn into and stayed in some abusive relationships in my younger years. I'm now 51.

It was bad but not what I call "Sybil-bad" - on the level/type/frequency seen in that Sally Field movie. Mom suffered from pretty severe post-partum depression resulting in a couple of stays in hospital when I was about 4. She had a lot of frustration and anger that resulted in explosions of temper. She could spank or discipline the 4 of us within reason and most of the time she did. But it was the other times, when she'd lose it over something not particularly serious, that she'd turn into a monster. She'd hit and hit and hit; not caring where, how or how hard she hit you. She'd hit until she couldn't hit any more and leave the room. Then she'd come back again and again - pulling me out from under the bed, desk, from in the closet or where ever I was trying to hide/get away from her. I was in high school the last time she did this to me - at that time she also used her fists and kicked me when I was balled up on the floor in the corner of the kitchen.

My brothers were also on the receiving end of Mom's temper as was my Dad - though I only know of her trying to hit him once or twice. My brothers don't talk about it much and Dad refuses to. He wasn't there for the majority of it and I don't think he wants to know about it now.

Interestingly enough when she was able to go back to college and then on to law school her tempered evened out. We got to know each other better, became very close and she actually had respect for me. I worked for her for over 10 years and there was only one incident early on when she tried to hit me. I pulled away before she made contact; stood my ground and told her that she better not try it again or I would have her arrested and her law career would be over.

Mom's gone but her "legacy" lives on and I will conquer this.

[swagger]

LGBTQI PTSD - sometimes I think I should add those to my business card ahhh I'm so sorry to read all the sad, brave, sore stories in this thread. Me? Well there's abuse, then there's stuff I witnessed that was too much...details maybe one day, I don't know. The flashbacks have been ferking me up badly lately, but I've maintained most of my good little routines and only pounded my head once in the past rough fortnight. Sometimes I think it isn't the trauma anymore, but simply all the aftereffects and scars. Like the wound healed, but in a dirty, jagged, mismatched way.

[tuffboi29]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

Makes you wonder doesn't it?

My Mom's death in 2007 was devastating. To my surprise it was oddly liberating too. The doctor monitoring my weight loss asked me to be his guinea pig and started me on a combination of 5HTP/Carbidopa back in March and finally convinced me to try counseling which I started at the end of May. (The 5HTP/Carbidopa, prescibed to combat stress eating, also treated what he and my counselor diagnosed as mild depression.) My counselor and I are working through, among other things, the abuse by my Mom.

No wonder I went away to college even when I wasn't ready or was even interested in studying what my parents decided I was to study. No wonder I put an ocean (literally) between us when I was 19 and, except for a couple of short periods of time, did not live in my parents home again. No wonder I was drawn into and stayed in some abusive relationships in my younger years. I'm now 51.

It was bad but not what I call "Sybil-bad" - on the level/type/frequency seen in that Sally Field movie. Mom suffered from pretty severe post-partum depression resulting in a couple of stays in hospital when I was about 4. She had a lot of frustration and anger that resulted in explosions of temper. She could spank or discipline the 4 of us within reason and most of the time she did. But it was the other times, when she'd lose it over something not particularly serious, that she'd turn into a monster. She'd hit and hit and hit; not caring where, how or how hard she hit you. She'd hit until she couldn't hit any more and leave the room. Then she'd come back again and again - pulling me out from under the bed, desk, from in the closet or where ever I was trying to hide/get away from her. I was in high school the last time she did this to me - at that time she also used her fists and kicked me when I was balled up on the floor in the corner of the kitchen.

My brothers were also on the receiving end of Mom's temper as was my Dad - though I only know of her trying to hit him once or twice. My brothers don't talk about it much and Dad refuses to. He wasn't there for the majority of it and I don't think he wants to know about it now.

Interestingly enough when she was able to go back to college and then on to law school her tempered evened out. We got to know each other better, became very close and she actually had respect for me. I worked for her for over 10 years and there was only one incident early on when she tried to hit me. I pulled away before she made contact; stood my ground and told her that she better not try it again or I would have her arrested and her law career would be over.

Mom's gone but her "legacy" lives on and I will conquer this.

I have a bad habit of trying to sugar-coat the relationship between my mother and I.
It's only been recently that I have acknowledged that habit.
Well damn it..it sucked...it hurt as she wielded her weapons in her power play game.
It still hurts.

Not too much for chatting it up tonight. Rolling with flashbacks bad. It took me over 20 minutes to type this I'm rolling so bad.
Gonna try sleep

[swagger]

Hugs to you tuffboi, it's freaking horrendous when the horrors from the past batter you like that. I'm going to try to motivate myself to see the doctor next week about getting a few pills per month to deal with the worst nights. Argh....I'm so sorry you're so sore mate.

[tuffboi29]

Doing better in the daytime hours and have everyone kicked out of my kitchen.
There may or may not have been death threats involved.

So far, so good.

I have been into some very deep thoughts the last month and with that of course comes revelations. Like finding lost pieces to the puzzle that's been messing with you for forever.

Happy Thanks Giving all...

[Miss Scarlett]

I had the opportunity to spend the Thanksgiving holiday in the NC mountains. Yesterday I took a long drive along the Blue Ridge Parkway and spent a long time at the summit of Waterrock Knob (approx. elevation 6400 ft). I buried a few pages of memories up there, off to one side and away from view, under a thin layer of soil. My intention is for the elements to have their way with the paper and take the memories with it.