The Femme Continuum: The "Highs" and "Lows" of Visibility

gaea · 07-14-2011, 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Medusa

So, I'm completely out at work. Have been since day 1. ( I find it much easier to just bust it on out rather than let them find out later because I have a big mouth and don't do well keeping my business to myself).

Many folks at work have either met Jack or at least seen photos of her (on my desk). Today, someone who I have only worked with over the phone came to my office and seemed surprised that Jack is a big honkin' Butch.

Her words were: "It's not that you're a Lesbian, it's that I expected your girlfriend to look...you know...like YOU." (she meant feminine and in make-up etc.)

Anyone else had this happen where folks assume your partner must also be Femme just because you are?

yes....the worst part is when they say why not just be with a bio male....ive tried explaining this over and over some get it some dont...

Im sorry you had this experience i hope you co worker wakes up and smells the coffee

CherylNYC · 07-14-2011, 08:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaea

yes....the worst part is when they say why not just be with a bio male....ive tried explaining this over and over some get it some dont...

Whenever some ass says, "If that's who you're attracted to, why not just be with a man?", I take a deep breath, look at them pointedly, and say, "Because I'm a lesbian". I make sure to say it in my sternest voice as I stare them down. GRRRRR.

If I'm feeling particularly generous I'll add that masculinity is not the sole provenance of males any more than femininity is strictly the provenance of females.

ScandalAndy · 07-14-2011, 08:46 AM

Last night as I walked out to the parking lot there were two gorgeous butches chatting next to the security gate. As I walked by I smiled and made eye contact, and they quickly looked away. What the heck do I have to do, wear a rainbow t-shirt every day to get my point across? One of them I've seen a few times around the site but never get to talk to. *sigh* I'm sick to death of being categorized as one of the straight women who work here.

Sweet Bliss · 07-21-2011, 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

Last night as I walked out to the parking lot there were two gorgeous butches chatting next to the security gate. As I walked by I smiled and made eye contact, and they quickly looked away. What the heck do I have to do, wear a rainbow t-shirt every day to get my point across? One of them I've seen a few times around the site but never get to talk to. *sigh* I'm sick to death of being categorized as one of the straight women who work here.

As I've gotten more "mature" (read as past 50) I have amazed myself at how much I've changed and stayed the same... Most folks see me as straight, and do a double take when they find out different. Which I find delightful,

because it means at times I am completely invisible, (read ignored), which at times is extremely maddening. A friend commented to me once, "wow, men (bio) and women are both attracted to you? That must be wonderful!" And I'm thinking, not really, cause the Butch I want looks at me and treats me like his sister. So now when I see a Butch I'm interested in or other woman I'm attracted to for "whatever" (yes, i love all kinds of folks) if I were in your place approaching a "hottie" (whatever that means to you) I'd find a way to make sure that person "understands" that I'm liking what I'm seeing. So I get "ballsy" (so to speak) and make a comment, like for instance...

in the case of someone in uniform.... I might ask them to escort me to my car

or in the grocery store...... "excuse me, do you know anything about _____?"

or in other situations, a simple comment about their appearance usually breaks the ice.

Just a look from me does not do much, however if I wink, or do my "mmm, you look delicious" look + slow wicked smile, or after I pass by them, turn around for a second long look, I find it works more effectively then just eye contact. Trust me, honey, if you turn around for a better look, or stop and say something like, "Sugar, you MAKE that uniform...."... be sure and sashaye your hips, so when he/she watches you walk away, it's with interest....

Of course my favorite move is to cook something sweet for someone I have my eye on...... Like that hottie at Home Depot.... Lordie, I'm gonna faint if she ever ...... well, that's another thread....

Remember this mantra, "I am a sexy, delightful woman, (or what works for ya) and desirable, ....(you get the picture?)...." If you KNOW you are attracted to xyz, put that vibe out there, like "ya, I'm delicious!!"

Just my nickel today, do what you are comfortable with, put your personal spin on being your special self.

ArkansasPiscesGrrl · 08-18-2011, 12:34 PM

What a wonderful thread! You know, this is one of the reasons I signed on to this website!
I came out at a late age, at 49. Before that I was married twice. I always KNEW there was something about me, but for whatever reason, had to come out when I did.
I am tall, and I used to be a BBW. When I came across online boards for B/F topics, I knew I didn't FEEL like a butch, nor did I look anything like one. But then, with society's conditioning, I also didn't fir the mold or internal "picture" in my mind as to looking like a Femme. To *ME*, a femme was short, tiny, beautiful long nails and long hair, etc. At 5'11", I felt more like a bull in a china shop! I asked this friend once, she was this cute little boi, if I could be considered a femme. She just laughed and asked what ELSE I could think I was! DUH!
When I did come out, at 49 (looking totally white-bread Grandma look), I was desparate to "look the part". I cut my hair short, spiked it up, ANYTHING to "look" gay, or to be acknowledged as a lesbian.
I still get frustrated because I blend in and look "too straight", IE: I don't get acknowledged as gay. I say I don't set ANYONE'S gaydar off. Grrrr!

The_Lady_Snow · 08-18-2011, 12:38 PM

You know how straight girls different from us (Femmes)?

Soon as you have a conversation with us, our feminism, politics, acceptance of the diversity that surrounds us is spilled like paint on canvas through our words.

Straight gals not so much most of the time

MsTinkerbelly · 08-18-2011, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

You know how straight girls different from us (Femmes)?

Soon as you have a conversation with us, our feminism, politics, acceptance of the diversity that surrounds us is spilled like paint on canvas through our words.

Straight gals not so much most of the time

I could not have said it better myself Lady Snow! I am visable as a Femme only on two occasions...when I am with Kasey, and when I tell them like it is! LOL I have gotten much bolder in my old age, having been too shy for most of my life.

princessbelle · 07-14-2011, 09:08 AM

You know I really hate it, but it seems some straight people feel the b/f dynamic (broad) is so complicated.

For instance, when coming "out" to people here in my local town, including my mom, my boss, my friends, it is one thing to get them to wrap their head around the fact i'm gay. It is a whole other discussion trying to clarify i am attracted to the butch id'd people.

I've heard "you can't be gay your so girly" or "you have to be bisexual, you look like a girl" and on and on, as i'm sure you all know.

I used to believe it needed this deep explanation down to the core of how i id and education on how others id. I still have a hard time understanding why that is so hard to "get", but it truly seems to be.

There are very few femmes where i live, and most parties i've attended or adult gay bars there seems to be 90-100% more butch ID'd people. I honestly thought something was wrong with me being gay and being feminine until i found these sites.

I remember once years ago i was at a gay party here in town, and i was the only femme there. I walked up to a group of people who were talking and immediately they stopped talking and just stared at me. I will never forget that. I felt so misplaced, so invalid, and so alone. I don't know if they thought i was straight, or they just thought i was weird because of how feminine i was. All i know is it hurt me. I remember going home that night and crying my eyes out because i just didn't feel like i fit in anywhere, not in the straight world and not in the gay world.

It is hard finally coming out and then to have to determine where you fit in the gay community is another mountain....or at least it was for me.

When i found the word femme and saw pictures online on the dash site of feminine women who embraced the way they looked and stood proud of the way they ID'd it was so liberating for me. I had found my place.

Over the last couple of years, not only do i feel like i fit in, but i've made some beautiful relationships with other femmes and have opened my heart to the differences even within the term "femme".

I no longer go to bed crying and feeling alone in this world. I may still be sort of alone in this city, but now i know who i am and that i DO fit in and i am not misplaced.

I am part of a wonderful, dynamic, strong, positive group of women, and that makes me proud.

07-14-2011, 08:46 AM	#3
ScandalAndy Member How Do You Identify?: human femme spitfire Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: it's official! Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: east coast USA Posts: 1,167 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,758 Thanked 3,217 Times in 753 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Last night as I walked out to the parking lot there were two gorgeous butches chatting next to the security gate. As I walked by I smiled and made eye contact, and they quickly looked away. What the heck do I have to do, wear a rainbow t-shirt every day to get my point across? One of them I've seen a few times around the site but never get to talk to. sigh I'm sick to death of being categorized as one of the straight women who work here. __________________ The joy of discovery is certainly the liveliest that the mind of man can ever feel. - Claude Bernard (1813-78)

08-18-2011, 12:38 PM	#6
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,081 Times in 15,669 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	My POV You know how straight girls different from us (Femmes)? Soon as you have a conversation with us, our feminism, politics, acceptance of the diversity that surrounds us is spilled like paint on canvas through our words. Straight gals not so much most of the time __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

07-14-2011, 09:08 AM	#8
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,496 Times in 5,198 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	You know I really hate it, but it seems some straight people feel the b/f dynamic (broad) is so complicated. For instance, when coming "out" to people here in my local town, including my mom, my boss, my friends, it is one thing to get them to wrap their head around the fact i'm gay. It is a whole other discussion trying to clarify i am attracted to the butch id'd people. I've heard "you can't be gay your so girly" or "you have to be bisexual, you look like a girl" and on and on, as i'm sure you all know. I used to believe it needed this deep explanation down to the core of how i id and education on how others id. I still have a hard time understanding why that is so hard to "get", but it truly seems to be. There are very few femmes where i live, and most parties i've attended or adult gay bars there seems to be 90-100% more butch ID'd people. I honestly thought something was wrong with me being gay and being feminine until i found these sites. I remember once years ago i was at a gay party here in town, and i was the only femme there. I walked up to a group of people who were talking and immediately they stopped talking and just stared at me. I will never forget that. I felt so misplaced, so invalid, and so alone. I don't know if they thought i was straight, or they just thought i was weird because of how feminine i was. All i know is it hurt me. I remember going home that night and crying my eyes out because i just didn't feel like i fit in anywhere, not in the straight world and not in the gay world. It is hard finally coming out and then to have to determine where you fit in the gay community is another mountain....or at least it was for me. When i found the word femme and saw pictures online on the dash site of feminine women who embraced the way they looked and stood proud of the way they ID'd it was so liberating for me. I had found my place. Over the last couple of years, not only do i feel like i fit in, but i've made some beautiful relationships with other femmes and have opened my heart to the differences even within the term "femme". I no longer go to bed crying and feeling alone in this world. I may still be sort of alone in this city, but now i know who i am and that i DO fit in and i am not misplaced. I am part of a wonderful, dynamic, strong, positive group of women, and that makes me proud. __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou

08-18-2011, 12:34 PM	#5
ArkansasPiscesGrrl Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she, her Relationship Status: feeling pretty darned blissful right now! Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: central AR Posts: 856 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,594 Thanked 3,079 Times in 741 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	What a wonderful thread! You know, this is one of the reasons I signed on to this website! I came out at a late age, at 49. Before that I was married twice. I always KNEW there was something about me, but for whatever reason, had to come out when I did. I am tall, and I used to be a BBW. When I came across online boards for B/F topics, I knew I didn't FEEL like a butch, nor did I look anything like one. But then, with society's conditioning, I also didn't fir the mold or internal "picture" in my mind as to looking like a Femme. To ME, a femme was short, tiny, beautiful long nails and long hair, etc. At 5'11", I felt more like a bull in a china shop! I asked this friend once, she was this cute little boi, if I could be considered a femme. She just laughed and asked what ELSE I could think I was! DUH! When I did come out, at 49 (looking totally white-bread Grandma look), I was desparate to "look the part". I cut my hair short, spiked it up, ANYTHING to "look" gay, or to be acknowledged as a lesbian. I still get frustrated because I blend in and look "too straight", IE: I don't get acknowledged as gay. I say I don't set ANYONE'S gaydar off. Grrrr!