Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

[SecretAgentMa'am]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I am reponsible for finding my own support or creating it where it does not exist. A lot of the challenge for partners in my experience does stem from transphobia. I don't like the idea that I am somehow silenced or not supported. I don't feel that way. Is it readily available? No. Are these conversations happening? Yes! I am concerned about the tone of this thread being about partners not being heard. There are a lot of factors that go in to that. No relationship is easy. I am not easy to love by any means.

There are specific issues that partners of transpeople have to deal with. The writer of that article spoke up about these. I understand her words might have upset some people. I needed to hear what she said and I hope other partners can feel empowered to talk about it too. I am not a victim of my partners transition or gender identity.

That's great that your experience has been good. It's great that you don't feel silenced or supported. That's you. A lot of people don't have good experiences and do feel silenced and not supported. Those people aren't wrong or to blame for having a different experience from yours, and they're transphobic because their experience is different.

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by SecretAgentMa'am

That's great that your experience has been good. It's great that you don't feel silenced or supported. That's you. A lot of people don't have good experiences and do feel silenced and not supported. Those people aren't wrong or to blame for having a different experience from yours, and they're transphobic because their experience is different.

I don't think I said that my experience was good. I am not saying that anyone is wrong or to blame for having a different experience. I don't feel
silenced because I speak out. I feel supported because I have worked hard to find the support I need. You're right, that's me. I don't think I need to apologize for that. I would not want someone who is just starting with a transgender partner to feel like it is all silence, no support or pain. There was not a lot of support for same sex partners in the past. We have to build those networks and support one another.

So much of the alienation and lack of support I have experienced was from the queer community. That was a bitter pill for me to swallow. I was newly out when I met my partner and all the issues we have been discussing like feeling closeted really took a toll on me in the beginning. I felt like I was not accepted as a lesbian. That hurt so much. It was not what I expected coming out but I met my partner and he is a Transman.

Bit by bit it has gotten better as I have tried to make myself more vulnerable and ask for what I need in my community. Sometimes I still feel alone and like a lesser being in the queer world. I try to be present and sit with that discomfort. Just as you said that people don't want to be judged or blamed, I don't want to either. I'm sorry if you or others interpreted me that way. I am trying to share my experiences.

[SelfMadeMan]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what the lesbian partners of transmen must go through... and reading everyone's input here. I want to preface this post by saying that I speak from some of our experiences - not suggesting this is true for everyone in every place. Certainly some places have more trans support than others. But as I was sitting here pondering this issue... it dawned on me that in many relationships with transmen, when in the company of other transmen/couples, their lesbian partners aren't really encouraged to speak out about what might be uncomfortable for them during their partner's transition. I have seen, and we have experienced, the ostracizing of a lesbian by her lesbian community for partnering with a transman. And then there are the hetero friends you make - since you're viewed as just another hetero couple by society - the friends you can't always even be open and honest with about your trans partner. So oftentimes, a lesbian who chooses to partner with, or stay with a transman has no real outlet for the very real emotions and fears she is dealing with.

So, I'm happy to see these dialogues taking place, I know my wife has dealt with these issues and felt she had to become invisible again to fully support me - and that was my fault for worrying so much about being stealth and wanting to blend in. Wanting every rainbow sticker peeled off, and put away. Our relationship has grown and been so much more comfortable for both of us with my becoming an out transman. I'm not saying everyone has to be out - there are ways to support your partner as a 'stealth' transman and let her be honest - let her be vulnerable. By remembering that she is transitioning too.

I will say though, that being out and visible sure made life easier for not only me - but for the hot queer girl I married