Anger and Gender Smashing

always2late · 10-30-2011, 04:00 PM

In my opinion, there is never a reason to so completely lose control that you verbally strike at the person where you know it will hurt the most. There is no excuse for it. And when that person is your partner, the one you trusted, let in, shared yourself with...and they use that knowledge and sharing to hurt you in fit of anger...that is particularly disgusting and very wrong.

ArkansasPiscesGrrl · 10-30-2011, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by always2late

In my opinion, there is never a reason to so completely lose control that you verbally strike at the person where you know it will hurt the most. There is no excuse for it. And when that person is your partner, the one you trusted, let in, shared yourself with...and they use that knowledge and sharing to hurt you in fit of anger...that is particularly disgusting and very wrong.

Been there, had it done to me. You are right, there is NO excuse for this type of behavior.
I always thought I could trust my inner instinct, my gut, as to whether someone was "safe" or not. I operated for alot of my life like that. Then I seemed to get into a series of relationships that started out all wonderful, then became inexplicitely abusive, mentally, verbally and emotionally.
I am gun-shy now? Yeah, kinda. Will I keep at least a part of me either behind that wall, or at the very least have my "bricks and mortar" ready to throw up fast? Yeah, probably.

Do I hate hate hate being like this? Yes! I am not a Pollyanna in any way, but I AM a believer in the good of most people, and I certainly am a believer in love, and want that again in my life.

Apocalipstic · 10-30-2011, 06:06 PM

Sorry that happened to you. Sometimes when people are hurt and angry they strike out blindly at your most vulnerable places. I dont know if they mean it or not or if you should forgive....but I think you have to look at the whole situation and make sure you were not doing any button pushing and escalating the situation.

Cin · 10-30-2011, 08:13 PM

I think vulnerability is part of the nature of intimate relationships or at least it should be. We let our guards down. We show our weaknesses. This is where trust comes in. You have to believe the other person, the person you love, won’t intentionally hurt you or at least not badly. But hurtful words can be spoken in anger. And when it comes to our partners, we are often more aware of where their buttons are located than even they are. It is a testament of our love, how little we push them, even when we are angry. But sometimes it happens. We push the buttons of the ones we love. We strike out and hit soft underbelly.

When we feel a partner crosses a line we are outraged, we feel betrayed, we can’t believe they used information they could only have obtained through love to hurt us, to cause pain. We forget that they have buttons as well, they also expose soft underbelly. Once we are hurt we forget to wonder if we also pushed a button, maybe tore a piece of exposed flesh. Love doesn’t make people into saints. It often makes people insecure and frightened especially considering all the exposed buttons and soft underbelly being flashed about.

Sometimes a person is unable to get their needs met in a relationship. Sometimes they are incapable of figuring out how to ask for what they need. Sometimes the other person is not able to give you what you need. Sometimes nobody is getting what they need but nobody is walking away either. Only pain comes out of that in the end. Sometimes we stay too long waiting for a change that will never happen.

One of the most difficult things that can happen in a relationship is when we lose our voices. We are unable to explain why we are hurt, what the loved one did that caused the pain and instead we bare our teeth and lash out. Anger is usually the easiest emotion to identify and to share. It risks the least. But the reward matches the risk and is relatively non existent.

I guess I am trying to say there are lots of ways relationships fail. But hopefully when the dust settles we are able to understand that it wasn’t about good guys and bad guys. Sometimes things are just better off over.

However if someone is using the knowledge obtained through intimacy as a weapon to inflict pain and cause damage and/or to belittle and cause doubt in areas of self esteem and self worth then that is not love, at least no definition of love that has any meaning. Our only recourse when confronted with that kind of disturbed individual is to walk away. And make sure to take the time needed to heal before getting involved with anyone else.

DomnNC · 10-30-2011, 08:47 PM

Sorry you had to go thru that Dario. Striking at my core being is a complete deal breaker for me, whether it is someone I may be dating, involved with or just a friend with. Do it and you're history, I have no need to surround myself with such negative little people.

10-30-2011, 04:00 PM	#1
always2late Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: m'lady Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NJ Posts: 2,000 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,834 Thanked 6,231 Times in 1,462 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	In my opinion, there is never a reason to so completely lose control that you verbally strike at the person where you know it will hurt the most. There is no excuse for it. And when that person is your partner, the one you trusted, let in, shared yourself with...and they use that knowledge and sharing to hurt you in fit of anger...that is particularly disgusting and very wrong. __________________ Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there ~ Rumi

10-30-2011, 06:06 PM	#3
Apocalipstic Pink Confection How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, Ma'am Relationship Status: Dating Myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville Posts: 4,266 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,195 Thanked 11,362 Times in 2,838 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Sorry that happened to you. Sometimes when people are hurt and angry they strike out blindly at your most vulnerable places. I dont know if they mean it or not or if you should forgive....but I think you have to look at the whole situation and make sure you were not doing any button pushing and escalating the situation. __________________

10-30-2011, 08:13 PM	#4
Cin Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Truly Madly Deeply Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: In My Head Posts: 2,815 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,333 Thanked 10,401 Times in 2,477 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I think vulnerability is part of the nature of intimate relationships or at least it should be. We let our guards down. We show our weaknesses. This is where trust comes in. You have to believe the other person, the person you love, won’t intentionally hurt you or at least not badly. But hurtful words can be spoken in anger. And when it comes to our partners, we are often more aware of where their buttons are located than even they are. It is a testament of our love, how little we push them, even when we are angry. But sometimes it happens. We push the buttons of the ones we love. We strike out and hit soft underbelly. When we feel a partner crosses a line we are outraged, we feel betrayed, we can’t believe they used information they could only have obtained through love to hurt us, to cause pain. We forget that they have buttons as well, they also expose soft underbelly. Once we are hurt we forget to wonder if we also pushed a button, maybe tore a piece of exposed flesh. Love doesn’t make people into saints. It often makes people insecure and frightened especially considering all the exposed buttons and soft underbelly being flashed about. Sometimes a person is unable to get their needs met in a relationship. Sometimes they are incapable of figuring out how to ask for what they need. Sometimes the other person is not able to give you what you need. Sometimes nobody is getting what they need but nobody is walking away either. Only pain comes out of that in the end. Sometimes we stay too long waiting for a change that will never happen. One of the most difficult things that can happen in a relationship is when we lose our voices. We are unable to explain why we are hurt, what the loved one did that caused the pain and instead we bare our teeth and lash out. Anger is usually the easiest emotion to identify and to share. It risks the least. But the reward matches the risk and is relatively non existent. I guess I am trying to say there are lots of ways relationships fail. But hopefully when the dust settles we are able to understand that it wasn’t about good guys and bad guys. Sometimes things are just better off over. However if someone is using the knowledge obtained through intimacy as a weapon to inflict pain and cause damage and/or to belittle and cause doubt in areas of self esteem and self worth then that is not love, at least no definition of love that has any meaning. Our only recourse when confronted with that kind of disturbed individual is to walk away. And make sure to take the time needed to heal before getting involved with anyone else. __________________ The reason facts don’t change most people’s opinions is because most people don’t use facts to form their opinions. They use their opinions to form their “facts.” Neil Strauss

10-30-2011, 08:47 PM	#5
DomnNC Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Male Preferred Pronoun?: He/Him Relationship Status: Widow Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Permanently Banned 11/15/2011 Posts: 1,223 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,618 Thanked 2,582 Times in 837 Posts Rep Power: 0	Sorry you had to go thru that Dario. Striking at my core being is a complete deal breaker for me, whether it is someone I may be dating, involved with or just a friend with. Do it and you're history, I have no need to surround myself with such negative little people.