Friends of Bill W.

Day 20

My word don't the days build up...just not quickly enough; although there was a time in the very recent past where I couldn't even manage one day. Who wants to run before they can even walk huh? *puts hand up*

I must have consumed over 6/7 litres of liquid yesterday

After playing the addict fear, avoidance, self-hating game (posting here mostly) for most of the day yesterday and intermittently staring at a blank Word document I got myself along to an early evening meeting which is about 400yards from my front door - how cool is that? There was only 4 of us and a rather noisy child (I was the only person who doesn't have kids and found it really hard to shut out the racket he made all through the meeting but stuck in there anyway). I shared about how many benders this particular essay has led me to indulge in and how I'm still doing the same thing but sober. It's sick, sick thinking; something to beat myself up about but then I remember that I'm only just about 3 weeks sober and the first week of that was spent flat out in bed sleeping for 20hrs a day.

One of the guys at the meeting had really thought about my essay question as I'd mentioned it on Wednesday. We had a great conversation about it and he challenged me to go home and put down some words, any relevant words, on virtual paper. Walking the 400 yrds home was enough time to have a wee chatette with God and ask for some words. No bargaining though; no if you do this for me I'll do 'that' - God doesn't make bargains. I managed 106 words! Better than nothing and I'm grateful that my Word document is no long blank.

I need to email my wonderfully supportive 'kick-yer-butt-lady' today and let her know what's going on.

I was a good lil addict again last night and switched off my computer at 12.30am and went to bed to rest even if sleep didn't come for a while. I'm rather liking making this a regular routine, it feels 'normal' - jeepers I've never aspired to be 'normal', how bizarre.

Today, I'm really grateful to be sober.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 19

LIFE IS UNFAIR




Assuring myself I will not be permitted through the gate, I walk the perimeter, assessing the fence, looking for a place to exploit, a wire slightly high. Trying to look graceful, I duck under the fence, telling myself I prefer life on the edge. The water is less dangerous here on the fringe; I wouldn’t want to be swept away. I stay clear of my peers. I stand in the baby pool and feel confident I won’t drown, brushing from my conscience that I won’t swim either.
Struggling to the top of the pile or scurrying underneath is a blatant lack of humility. Skirting the margin is the same. Facing life and finding it unfair, I take to the world of exception and hope to slip through the cracks to a life of safety. In that act I discount my talent and ability. Worst of all, I disconnect from God.


Toy with your thoughts, play with your food.
*


Jenny

Though ignorance may be bliss,
living in the shadow of someone else’s
ignorance is sheer hell.
The confusion is bad, but the lies are worse.

Want to cripple a child for life
give it to a well meaning fool
who has the rule book to the wrong board game,

That child will grow to need crutches they don’t make
and medicine they can’t brew.
Dependent on misguided insanity the child will require
a miracle cure and may lack the ability to ingest it.

Best case scenario the kid makes a brave escape
into a world she can barely comprehend,
worse case she turns the rule book upside down
and reads it backwards to her own unfortunate brood.

Ignorance is always a twilight proposition,
half agreement the other half handcuffed nightmare.
Full consent is by necessity impossible
while blameless innocents is similarly unachievable.

The only suggestion I can make
from this side of the looking glass
is to pick your poison and plan your getaway.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 20

TIME IS HERE TO STAY





I have passed my days emptying them like breadcrumbs onto a trail of rescue. Expecting them to facilitate redemption, and if not that, at least retreat, I release an audible sigh as I let each evening slip to the path behind me. The future I view as a cliff I am nearing. I hope to be ransomed before the edge. I plan carefully how to stay in sync with revision; things must be resolved and revert. But this is not the way. The past is there to be mined. Inert gold, as well as land mines, lingers beneath the surface; the days stream on. I am not nearing the limit; I am shrinking from hope. I turn my eyes from expectancy with a shudder. Deeply, I realize I must leave my fairytale life and walk away with my days in my pocket, a treasure that is mine to spend.


Tie a string around your hopes then let them go.


*

Katie’s Wish


Does G-d arrange for my parking spot,
foil the Colts opponents,
release the stains from my dry-cleaning?
Can I ask for the petty and pedantic?

All One G-d Faith,
reads the side of the soap bottle,
but really is there only one?

Like Santa? The Tooth Fairy? OZ?
Is my life better or worse for the whimsy?
How would I know? Why would I care?

As long as I live with what I get most times,
it truly is okay to ask for what I want sometimes,
I mean hell, the Superbowl is only once a year.
I’m allowed to be unreasonable and happy.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 21

THE TEAM



The dream sobriety I envision, the fantasy recovery I mentally construct, blows out to sea as so much mist in the face of actual life. Setting out sports teams, which don’t exist, is playful and entertaining. Trying to rebuild the principals of the program is a delusion I can drink over. Finessing my network, and pretending I can put together my team on a basis of specialized talents instead of ground level willingness, is like designing a plane without regard to physics, playing only to aesthetics. Anytime I am redesigning I must realize I am no longer participating. If I keep my head in the game, I can stay away from statistics and stop planning outcomes.


Shade your life from undo exposure.
*

Word Comprehension


There were scads and scores of words
that I had at my command.
I could command them that was a fact;
comprehend them that was an illusion.

My sponsor had every confidence in me
and started my word comprehension lessons
with the tough ones first:
“No,” she would ask,
“What don’t you understand the Nnnnnn part
or the OHhhhhh part?”
Took me sometime to catch on to words deep as that.

Serenity that I learned through living Braille.
Learned it like any hungry child, by taste.
Learned it like learning the ocean as you swim in it.
Serenity is my ballast and my bail,

As for peace, all I can say is:
No comprehension, no peace;
know comprehension, know peace.

Day 22

Wow! I'm loving this getting into a healthy sleeping routine thang. To be fair, I was so exhausted after 6 hours on a coach (total) to spend 3hrs in the freezing cold at Richard Arkwright's first water-powered spinning mill yesterday that I fell into deep sleep with no problems at all at around midnight, as I had the night before. What was the biggest surprise of yesterday was waking and getting up at 7am...this is not something that I'm used to at all but it was easy. I'm still in shock! I slept so well last night that I woke just before 9am feeling well rested and ready for the day...jeepers I haven't had that feeling in an awfully long time. Didn't get half so much liquid as I needed yesterday so today I shall load up.

I missed acupuncture yesterday; I was so grateful to still have the 'seed's in. I will be going for the ear needles today and then I go to visit with the Blackpool Alcohol Team, who are the 'staying sober' folks and the next step on from the 'getting sober' folks in our local addict services.

I have given myself this next week to put a lot of prayer and effort into creating a really positive self talk so that I might finally get this multi-bender essay over and done with. Wish me luck.

I'm so bloody grateful to be sober today and thankful to have somewhere to come write about it where folks 'get' it.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Originally Posted by Incubus

Day 22

Wow! I'm loving this getting into a healthy sleeping routine thang. To be fair, I was so exhausted after 6 hours on a coach (total) to spend 3hrs in the freezing cold at Richard Arkwright's first water-powered spinning mill yesterday that I fell into deep sleep with no problems at all at around midnight, as I had the night before. What was the biggest surprise of yesterday was waking and getting up at 7am...this is not something that I'm used to at all but it was easy. I'm still in shock! I slept so well last night that I woke just before 9am feeling well rested and ready for the day...jeepers I haven't had that feeling in an awfully long time. Didn't get half so much liquid as I needed yesterday so today I shall load up.

I missed acupuncture yesterday; I was so grateful to still have the 'seed's in. I will be going for the ear needles today and then I go to visit with the Blackpool Alcohol Team, who are the 'staying sober' folks and the next step on from the 'getting sober' folks in our local addict services.

I have given myself this next week to put a lot of prayer and effort into creating a really positive self talk so that I might finally get this multi-bender essay over and done with. Wish me luck.

I'm so bloody grateful to be sober today and thankful to have somewhere to come write about it where folks 'get' it.

I am so delighted!! Day 22, such a wonderful number!!!

What the hell are they having you write about Munich??? Sounds like this thing is quite a twist in the knickers for you. I wish you happy pancake day! and ease with your writing.

I had a very brave day yesterday, maybe today is your day. I made my first book digitally available, I have been stalled on this for a very long time, but yesterday it all came together and I got the notification this morning that it all worked!

Hugs,

Sherrie

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

I am so delighted!! Day 22, such a wonderful number!!!

What the hell are they having you write about Munich??? Sounds like this thing is quite a twist in the knickers for you. I wish you happy pancake day! and ease with your writing.

I had a very brave day yesterday, maybe today is your day. I made my first book digitally available, I have been stalled on this for a very long time, but yesterday it all came together and I got the notification this morning that it all worked!

Hugs,

Sherrie

Wooohoooo Sherrie, that is fantastic! *hugs* Very well done on being so brave. You're an inspiration. We're far too skilled at procrastinating about good stuffs for ourselves aren't we?

22 is a wonderful palindromic number. What do they call it at 'bingo'...Two little ducks I believe

Yup Munich, the title of which is, Who 'won' at Munich Hitler or Chamberlain? has caused serious 'knicker knotting'. The tutor who's set it studied under AJP Taylor and is Mr.Academia. I'm having serious 'performance issues' over it and as I said, have had numerous benders over it. I need to swallow the fear of judgement and just do it.

I was feeling soooooo good today even despite getting to the acupuncture venue and it being called off; hopefully it will be on again tomorrow. I'm just glad I left my 'seeds' stuck on for now.

Then I rolls up to the 'staying sober' place and was let into the group room and immediately introduced by my birth and my usual name. I was livid and said so as I'd asked the guy to use Scooby last week. I didn't deal with it particularly well but not particularly badly either. A couple of months ago I would have told him 'F*ck you mate' and left the building. Instead I found a seat and settled into the session but I was still so very angry. I'm glad to say that when I explained properly about why I was so angry I got an apology...this guy also calls all female bodied people 'ladies'

Anyhoo, I'm a happy chappy again and still stoked to be sober.

ps. I won't be doing pancakes.

Day 23

Oh my giddy aunt I feel like crap today. I went to bed at what I still consider a reasonable hour, midnight, and was asleep within half an hour. I had the weirdest dream of which I was aware during in it that it was disturbing me in a really bad way but I couldn't stop it. I don't feel rested at all this morning. I was running from bad people all night. At least I dream nowadays, as an active addict I rarely dreamt, or at least I never remembered them, my brain was so numb. Here's hoping for happy dreams tonight.

In other news; I don't know if acupuncture is going to happen again today, I hope Josie is ok and not too poorly but I will still be attending the 'staying sober' folks.

I'll probably go to the meeting tonight...it's a rotten rainy, windy day so I'll phone my class-mate for a lift - not something I often do as I like to be in control of when I arrive and leave places.

On a brighter note, I managed to find a little concentration to do a little work on Munich last night. A tiny bit of progress is better than none at all.

I'm so grateful to be sober