Abuse in butch-femme relationships

[aishah]

Originally Posted by dancer611

For those of you who have not been abused, the guilt of a victim is so strong--I should have acted different, I should have made a better sandwich for her, I shouldn't have asked her to stop drinking, I shouldn't have cried and she wouldn't have done anything--that it becomes a constant cycle of beating yourself up. So to be questioned about if I was lying about whether she was drunk, or saying I was in a mutually abusive relationship, or being told that I was "painting" myself as a victim, when really my question was about why I could still feel things for this person who repeatedly abused alcohol and abused me and terrified me to the point that I did try to fight back (I honestly did not know if she was going to kill me) and if anyone had been through something similar, made me very upset, even though it's just a forum and no one here knows me. So I'm sorry if I seemed like a grouch, but I just felt misunderstood and the whole thing has very much shaken me up.

this isn't what you asked. you asked "what should i do?"

the answer to that is "you should get counseling and maintain your boundaries."

the answer to the question in your later post is, as evidenced by everyone's posts here, YES, many of us have been through the same thing and we know what it feels like.

and yes, it's possible to still feel something. i still feel love for people who have abused me. i have even stayed in a relationship with someone when they committed to getting help and working on their destructive patterns (and when the abuse was an isolated incident), and the outcome was positive. that's rare though. 99% of the time, the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is GET OUT. feel the feelings and whatever - they're going to come up. find a safe place to feel them. but get out and maintain boundaries until both of you have done some work. that is the only way to deal with the feelings of guilt and shame and put them into perspective.