Friends of Bill W.

[Girl Friday]

Originally Posted by Novelafemme

Good Morning Everyone!

My Name is LeeAnn and I'm an alcoholic.

And THAT, friends, is NOT any easy sentence for me to write or say!

I stayed up late last night reading The Big Book and then stumbled into this thread and wanted to show my support...it works if you work it, right!

Girl Friday, we are smack dab in this together and please know that you are not alone! Your posts made my heart ache last night because so much of it is familiar to me. Please know that you are the farthest possible thing from weak. You are brilliant and amazing and valuable and grand.

For me, coming to the realization that I was using alcohol as a coping mechanism was the biggest and most important step in my recovery. I didn't start drinking until I was in my early 30's. Never actually touched a drop until then (save for a hellish experience in my teens) and only started at the recommendation of my midwife as a means to deal with my fragile nerves after having my youngest and feeling overwhelmed by fear when my then husband started working nights. We lived in an iffy neighborhood near a bar and I was paralyzed by anxiety over how to protect them in the event someone tried to break in. I slept with a knife under my pillow and a crowbar next to the bed...I'm not sure any "sleeping" actually happened, lol.

Ultimately, through years of talk therapy and learning to become brutally honest with myself, I am ridding myself of some pretty damaging old coping skills and replacing them with tools rooted in honesty, compassion and strength. It has been incredibly hard but I am slowly and surely getting there. Each day brings the promise of hope and a joy so deeply profound and real that sometimes I have trouble believing it is all at my fingertips, just an outstretched hand away. And for me, this is the beauty of AA and the people who attend who have become both my inspiration and allies.

I haven't chosen a sponsor yet either. I was encouraged on my very first day to take that process slowly and let my sponsor reveal his or her self in time. I do have a woman that I met that same day who I have called twice in serious moments of self doubt, who has been invaluable as a source of support. Like others here, I am more than happy to be that person for you. Anytime. Just PM me.

Today I think of my alcoholism as a mask. I used it to become someone I thought was better than the real me. I believed that the real me was too damaged, unloveable, ugly...whether it was an eating disorder, dishonesty, drinking...not dealing with my issues IN FULL became my mask. I wore it because I was afraid. Each morning I wake up sober and clear headed and ready to face life's challenges I tear away a small piece of that facade, revealing the true me. And you know what? I am learning to love that girl!

Keep holding on...even if it is by your finger tips!

Thank you for saying the part I highlighted. It mirrors something I've been feeling for years.


I read last night:

"I was never much of a drinker. My parents didn't keep it in the house and I was always too busy with sports or whatever to do that kind of partying as a kid. In college I was really busy and I thought people who were drunk all the time were just stupid.

When I was 26 I hurt my back on vacation snowboarding but I didn't want to drive all the way back into the city to go to the doctor. Someone gave me a glass of wine and it helped. After the second glass the pain was relieved enough to make the rest of the day tolerable. The next day I had a couple more glasses. The pain was gone so I stopped. It never bothered me to drink or not to drink after that so for years it wasn't an issue.

A decade later I broke up with my partner of 13 years. The pain seemed unbearable and no matter how much I drank, I could still feel it. It wouldn't go away unless I drank until I passed out. When I woke up, the pain was still there so I'd drink until I was numb again. No one understood why I was so brokenhearted because I'd been the one to break up with her, not the other way around. So I kept drinking because I'd lost the love of my life and no one understood.

About a year later my best friend told me she was disgusted with me for not getting over my ex, so I drank more because I was disgusting. Seven months after that my brother told me I was a pathetic drunk, so I drank more because I was pathetic.

I drank for 4 years because (I told myself) no one understood why I was in pain and because I was disgusting and pathetic.

One day I woke up late and I was rushing around angrily, trying to pull myself together. Out of habit I guess, iinstead of reaching for the coffee I reached for a drink. I had the bottle in my hand and suddenly I was laughing out loud because I knew that I hated myself and that I wouldn't be able to drink the hate away. That's when it really hit me. I wouldn't be able to drink the hate away.

Lots to think about today.