Empathy

[Ginger]

Mariamma wrote:

Giving yourself space is vitally important to your homeostasis. Because you feel what others feel, many will like to dump with you. They feel heard (which is what we all want, to be understood). Love and respect yourself by holding space for you, setting limits when you need to.


I took in a sharp breath of air when I read this.

I'm always told what a good listener I am, and it's true—but I have a hard time not becoming like a sponge for other people's words, and sometimes I feel saturated and lose my own voice.

Likewise—and I think this comes from the same place—on the rare times when a thoughtful, focused person draws me out, I get wound up and can't stop. It's like I'm afraid it will be the last time I'm ever listened to.

A highly regulated childhood put some of the anxiety in place that has resulted in these behaviors, but I don't blame those early years; I blame myself and my reluctance to regulate my interactions in a healthier way, a reluctance based on the fear that my empathy is in large part, what keeps my interactions going.

I think it's my physical and intellectual energy that first attracts people to me, and I'm not talking about lovers, but all people. Then, it's my empathy that makes them want to stay close. It also enables me to write, in my fine arts life and in my commercial writing, in which I interview strangers and construct a story about them. It's the reason I sometimes blurt out truths about people I barely know, things they seem stunned by, observations that come from empathy and make them latch on to me—but I want to do the latching, too. I want to be noticed and heard.

That's why I love the Listening Thread. It isn't that I need so badly for others to listen to me; I need to listen to myself. If I don't listen to myself, why should anyone else?

This might sound odd but even as a poet I don't write about myself, or not often. I'm so drawn to the dynamics of the world, the texture of the world, I can't wrest my focus off that, long enough to tell my own story. Turning that much empathy inward feels overwhelming, but I've been working on that one.

Like most people who have a lot of empathy, I'm keenly aware of others and how they are feeling, and it's not that I can't converse—I love conversation. I'm not a shy or socially awkward person; in fact I consider myself a high-functioning introvert who is often mistaken as being buoyant and outgoing.

If I weren't so empathetic, I wouldn't see people so clearly—which is both good and bad. At first, they love me for seeing them in a deeper way, feeling what they're feeling. But I also see things they'd rather keep invisible, and sometimes that makes a person feel exposed. I'm learning to be more careful, more quiet about what I see, sometimes.

And I'm learning to set limits, and say, It's my turn. Like now, here I am; Me, Me, Me. Feeling what is me.

You seem to understand these things so well, Mariamma, and your biochemical take on emotions and behavior is fascinating to me.

[*Anya*]

Many people confuse empathy with sympathy.

In counseling theory, they are not synonymous.

Sympathy focuses on sharing or experiencing another person's bad news, sadness or feelings. When we are sympathetic, we are feeling sorry for another.

Empathy is sharing the good, as well as the bad. It can be good or bad news or feelings and understanding them.

It is being able to put oneself in the shoes of another to understand those but not feeling sorry for them or necessarily agreeing with them.

It is the ability to understand someone else's point of view.

In an individual with an Antisocial Personality Disorder, they lack empathy and this ability to understand someone else's internal experience.

An empath is something else entirely. The definition I found is that they are psychically able to "tune into" others. This is not an area I have either professional or personal knowlege so will leave explanations to others.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I took in a sharp breath of air when I read this.

I'm always told what a good listener I am, and it's true—but I have a hard time not becoming like a sponge for other people's words, and sometimes I feel saturated and lose my own voice.

I think it's my physical and intellectual energy that first attracts people to me, and I'm not talking about lovers, but all people. Then, it's my empathy that makes them want to stay close. It also enables me to write, in my fine arts life and in my commercial writing, in which I interview strangers and construct a story about them. It's the reason I sometimes blurt out truths about people I barely know, things they seem stunned by, observations that come from empathy and make them latch on to me—but I want to do the latching, too. I want to be noticed and heard.


This might sound odd but even as a poet I don't write about myself, or not often. I'm so drawn to the dynamics of the world, the texture of the world, I can't wrest my focus off that, long enough to tell my own story. Turning that much empathy inward feels overwhelming, but I've been working on that one.

Like most people who have a lot of empathy, I'm keenly aware of others and how they are feeling, and it's not that I can't converse—I love conversation. I'm not a shy or socially awkward person; in fact I consider myself a high-functioning introvert who is often mistaken as being buoyant and outgoing.

If I weren't so empathetic, I wouldn't see people so clearly—which is both good and bad. At first, they love me for seeing them in a deeper way, feeling what they're feeling. But I also see things they'd rather keep invisible, and sometimes that makes a person feel exposed. I'm learning to be more careful, more quiet about what I see, sometimes.

And I'm learning to set limits, and say, It's my turn. Like now, here I am; Me, Me, Me. Feeling what is me.

You seem to understand these things so well, Mariamma, and your biochemical take on emotions and behavior is fascinating to me.

There's lots of science behind why you feel the way you (we actually) do. People with naturally high oxytocin will see others with high O and instantly bond with others with high O. You start to trust instantly. If you give someone O (it's usually inhaled and absorbed thru the mucosa), they will trust others at more, be willing to share more, are more inclined to loan $$$. Autistic people when given O will have less autistic symptoms.

It does back-fire for people though. Don't lie to me if you are within my Ki-field. I will feel it and speak your truth. Lots of men hate that :P They expect me to be a loving and silent mother to them. Psych!

The highest amount you will have during life is at a birth. Mom and baby are overwhelmed with it, usually the whole room is taken with it. Men cry and hug strangers, etc. After birth comes orgasm then massage/hugs, dance/yoga, bonding with others with high O (including dogs, horses, etc. it's how animal therapy works for autistic, ADHD/ADD people) and on down the line. If you aim for O, you can simulate more, if not generate more.

It's kind of awesome. Vasopressin is molecularly similar to O and is known to turn grumpy old men into kinder, gentler, happier people who do unexpected things like forgive or apologize. It also helps with releasing anxiety when other anti-anxiety meds do not work. V and O are peptide threads, about 9 amino acids long and are 2 amino acids difference.

Thank you for your kind words. You honor me.